Hot In Cleveland s02e14 Episode Script

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
What can I get you, ladies? Hmm, I'm kind of in the mood for tomato soup.
Um, can I get that cold with a little stalk of celery, some worcestershire, horseradish, and just a hint of two shots of vodka? Mm, that does sound good.
I'll have that soup, too.
Maybe a pitcher of soup for the table? Oh, this is exciting.
It's a text from my book agent.
Woman's Day magazine wants to do a monthly column based on my book, 200 things every woman should do before she dies.
- That's fantastic.
- Oh, Mel, that's great.
- That sounds like a sad book.
- You haven't read it? It takes like 20 minutes.
You know, I really, really pushed hard to get a shot at this.
Oh, my God, what am I gonna write about? I told them I had a million ideas.
I got nothing.
I'm a fraud.
I'm never gonna come up with another- Ooh, hey, this might work.
They're having a battle of the bands here.
And one thing I've always wanted to do before I die is be in a band.
Really? It was my dream, too.
You know, I always wanted to be in a band like the Bangles.
- Or the Go-Go's.
- I wanted to be in Hole.
The Grunge Band Hole? I live in the rock and roll capital of the world.
What do you expect me to say, some lilith fair BS? You know, I was the lead singer in a band when I was a teenager.
I actually thought that's what I was gonna do with my life.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Well, this is great.
We'll form a band.
You can be the lead singer, Joy.
And I, of course, would play the bass, since I played a bass-playing angel in the Lifetime Original Movie Rock and Roll Heaven.
Was that the one where you were sent to earth to teach death-row inmates about love and harmony? No, that was Dead Man Rocking.
Well, I can play guitar in our band.
I guess I'll have to break out the ol' skins.
Older than what you're in right now? That's a rimshot, a little taste.
Well, my baby, he's all right well, my baby, he's clean out of sight don't you know that he's he's some kind of wonderful yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - That was so much fun! - That so was.
I can't believe how much I've missed this.
You have a great voice.
I had no idea you could sing like that.
Well, thank you very much.
It feels so great to be doing this.
It makes me feel like a teenager again.
You know, I really think that we have a shot of winning this contest.
And even if we don't, it's an honor just to be entered.
That's what Joy said during fleet week.
Okay, okay, we're sounding better, but we're still a little all over the place.
Mel, that progression in the chorus goes one, four, one, four.
Oh, and Victoria, you're playing the bass line a bit straight.
You need to lock into the groove more.
Hello, angels.
Oh, hello, Rick.
Oh, Rick, so sorry.
Were we playing too loud? We were just practicing for the bar's battle of the bands.
Yes, I couldn't help but overhear that you suck.
Oh, really? And what do you know about anything? I'll tell you what I know, my little sass factory.
My band, the Garden Weasels, have won the battle of the bands three years in a row.
- Is that so? - Indeed.
Our skills have been honed to the bleeding edge of samurai sharpness.
Our rock will wound you.
Wow, you sound really good.
I mean, so far, the only song we know is Some Kind of Wonderful.
What about the one you were just playing now? Thank you.
Well, you must have been a bit threatened to come over here and check out our girl band.
Afraid of girls? Yes.
Afraid of a girl band? Never! I mock your feeble female attempt to rock hard.
Ha! You know something? I don't like your attitude.
Our band is gonna crush your measly weasels into a pile of rock 'n' roll rubble.
We are gonna rock your socks off.
- Yeah, right on.
- What she said.
I'm not wearing socks right now, small fungal issue.
But I am a little turned on.
Would any of you care to join me in the back of my tour bus? Tour bus? You drive a Ford Fiesta.
Spanish for "party.
" All right, ladies, it is on.
We are gonna practice till our fingers blister and our voices shred.
We have sold our souls to rock 'n' roll.
Again, from the top.
A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four.
he's some kind of wonderful yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, whatever.
Guys, again, from the top, but this time, Melanie, don't anticipate the downbeat of every bar.
You're turning the song into a runaway train.
- I don't want to- - Oh, and, Victoria, background vocals are called background for a reason.
- You know, I'm not accustomed- - Oh, and, Elka, after the breakdown, careful how you toss your sticks in the air.
- That time, you almost hit me.
- I'll try harder next time.
- I'm going to bed.
- What? No, wait.
Oh, ladies and ladies, Elka has left the building.
No, no.
Hang on.
Why don't you guys take five? I'll put on a giant pot of coffee, and we'll rehearse for a few more hours, all right? All right, rock 'n' roll! Up your rock 'n' roll.
You know, I know she's the lead singer, but does she have to be so bossy? I hear those nice Aerosmith boys can't stand Steven Tyler.
And those cute Van Halen boys, they were "Hot for Teacher," but they hated Sammy Hagar.
Your takeout order will be ready in a minute.
Meanwhile, a secret admirer sent you a drink.
Oh, really? Who is he? What does he look like? Hello, Joy.
Alone, I see.
No, I'm waiting for a secret admirer.
- You're waiting for me.
- No, he just sent me a drink.
- Yes, that was me.
- Can't you understand? - I don't want it to be you.
- But you mistake my intentions.
I'm not seeking a romantic liaison, merely a creative one.
There's a new group competing in this year's battle of the bands.
They're young, and they're fun.
Damn that Glee show! So what does this have to do with me? The Weasels need to kick it up a notch.
We need a smokin' hot chick singer.
You could be our Fergie.
And I could be our Rick.
I.
Am.
Well, that's very flattering, but I already have a band.
But you're so much better than they are.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
What makes you say that? I've been listening at the window, monitoring your rehearsals.
- You've been spying on us? - Since you moved in.
But in this case, I can admit it.
Joy, I feel your frustration.
Melanie and Victoria don't want to work as hard as you do.
Well, I can't say you're wrong.
Nothing matters but the music, Joy.
I make the Garden Weasels work their tails off.
We rehearse seven days a week, late into the night.
We don't break for fiddle-faddle.
Well, actually, we do break for fiddle-faddle.
Have you tried the toffee flavor? Amazing! Look, I appreciate the offer, but I can't abandon my friends.
They don't have the hunger you have.
The eye of the weasel, if you will.
Your band is going nowhere.
Nowhere, I tell you! - Joy, is that you? - Yeah.
Okay, don't move.
We want to show you our new outfits.
Simple, graceful, evocative of the Beatles in Hamburg.
We look like an Ellen Degeneres convention.
Guys, the deal was I would go get lunch, if you would practice.
We're not gonna beat the Garden Weasels by dressing up like the Blues Brothers.
You know what would beat them? Lingerie.
I could have a bed jacket malfunction onstage.
It doesn't matter what we wear.
The Weasels are practicing right now, not deciding what boxer shorts to preen around in.
They practice seven days a week.
They have real gigs lined up.
And they only break for fiddle-faddle.
You seem to know an awful lot about the Weasels.
Well, I wasn't gonna say anything, but Rick asked me to leave our band and join his.
- What? - Seriously? Well, he thinks I'm really good, - and he admires my commitment.
- So that sneaky little rat thinks that he can divide and conquer, and by the way, I have thong that can do that, in case we want to go with the lingerie route.
Well, what did you say to him? Well, I turned him down, of course.
Obviously, you can't win without me.
I'm only mentioning it so you'll start taking the contest seriously.
Who says we can't win without you? Yeah, you know what? That's a little cocky.
Well, let's be honest, you have your Woman's Day column, and they have their outfit ideas.
I'm the only one showing any real passion for the music.
Diva speak for "I'm great and the rest of you suck.
" - No, it isn't.
- Oh, please.
I've been speaking diva since I tearfully informed my preschool teacher that not all the little teapots are short and stout.
If you're just staying with us out of guilt, forget it.
Go ahead and be a weasel.
You'll be happier among your own kind.
I didn't say I wanted to be a Weasel.
There's no reason to get snarky.
- No one's getting snarky.
- I was.
Look, if you want out, we don't want to hold you back.
Or put up with your patronizing attitude that is stifling our creativity and, quite frankly, taking all of the fun out of this whole damn thing.
Or, you know, that nicer thing that Melanie just said.
Well, if I'm ruining your fun, maybe I should be a Weasel.
Don't let the door hit your tail on the way out.
Fine.
May the best band win.
Oh, don't worry, we will.
Hmph! Some diva she is.
She didn't even slam the door.
Well, who needs her? Right, who needs her? Thinking she's all hootie, and we're just the blowfish.
Well, technically, she's the lead singer, so she would be Hootie, and without her, we do kind of blow.
We do not.
Now come on, we're gonna be great without her.
You know what? You're right.
You're right.
I may not have Joy's vibrato, but I-I think I can imitate her phrasing.
W-w-wait, wait, wait.
You think you're gonna be the lead singer? Well, yeah, 'cause the next-best singer should step up.
Yes, which is why I am stepping.
You mean tripping.
Lead singer out, drummer moves up.
Look, look, I have slept with a lot of rock stars.
Unless talent can be passed along like Hep-C, who cares? All I'm saying is that I have the most lead singer experience.
Yeah, what is it with you and rock stars? I know.
If my private parts could talk, huh? Forget talk.
Can they sing? he's some kind of wonderful he's some- he's some kind of wonderful, he's- he's some some Hmm, still thinking you can sing lead? Your belief in yourself, while touching- Can we please stop fighting about this? Of course.
Let me sing, and we won't fight.
I mean, it only makes sense.
Why else would we name the band Victoria and the Chasers? We didn't name the band that.
Joy's coming.
- Oh, unified front.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that is such a great idea.
- Rock 'n' roll.
- Rock 'n' roll.
Hello.
Well, if it isn't our former bandmate.
Joni Bitchell.
So you off to, uh, join your fellow weasels? I'm off to band practice, yes.
Oh, well, you better hurry, 'cause we heard that the last weasel to arrive has to clean the spit valve - on Rick's saxophone.
- That's ridiculous.
Later! Aw, look at her run.
Yeah, well, she knew the risks.
It'll just make our triumph that much sweeter.
Oh, imagine the look on her face when she sees me belting our her vocals.
Yeah, I can't imagine it, because I'll be singing lead.
- No, I'm singing lead.
- But you stink.
- But you stink much worse.
- We all stink! But this will make us all sound good Oh, that's so cool! That's cool.
this coffee is delicious is there anything better in the morning orange juice we've been doing this for hours but I can't stop I wish I had this thing when I broke up with my husband.
get out of my life, you cheating bastard Oh, watch out, the enemy approacheth.
tonight, we will have the last laugh ha ha ha ha ha Oh, it's you two making that terrible noise.
I thought T-Pain and Stephen Hawking had broken in.
Your boyfriend's here.
Hello, ladies.
Joy.
I address you separately, because during your weaselhood, I pay you the respect of not thinking of you as a woman.
Shall we? Wait, the-the contest isn't for hours.
We have a pre-gig meal that builds unit cohesion.
Let's go, bro.
I hope they remembered my salad.
- You know the weasel rule.
- Salads are for chicks.
- But I am a chick! - Were you not listening when I when I just gave you honorary man status? Dude, grow a pair.
Well, rock 'n' roll.
Rock 'n' roll.
See you in a bit.
I'll just grab my purse.
Whoo! Look at their fresh, happy faces and young-people hair.
It sickens me.
Your, uh, former friends are next.
There must be some part of you that's still rooting for them.
- Well, I can't deny- - Kill that part of yourself.
Better get a welder's mask, because we're gonna melt your faces off.
It's a good thing you're wearing those funeral suits, because we're gonna bury you.
- As if.
- Nuh-unh.
- Uh-huh.
- This is so hot.
And it's against every instinct in my body to stop a girl fight that might result in torn clothes or a glimpse of side boobage But I have a boom that must be lowered.
Auto-tuning is against the rules, as I've just reminded the judges.
Boom lowered.
Now what are we gonna do? Without auto-tune, we're nothing but fantastic drumming.
Without those things, we can never win.
- Maybe we should just quit.
- No, no, we can't.
My entire column is about doing this.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please keep in mind that auto-tuning is against our rules, as we put our hands together for the auto tuners.
So you ratted them out? These are people I care about.
They're gonna be humiliated.
You are such a heartless- Winner? Legend? Rock bad boy? You don't know whether to slap my face or kiss me.
I guess you do know.
- Okay, you sing.
- You sing.
- No, you do it.
- I can't.
- You were right.
I stink.
- I stink more.
Somebody better start singing.
I don't need a whole lot of money I don't need a big, fine car What they need is a singer.
No, that's what you need.
I got everything that a woman could want I got more than I could ask for well, my baby, he's all right well, my baby, he's clean out of sight don't you know that we're we're some kind of wonderful yes, we are we're some kind of wonderful yeah, yeah, yeah we're some kind of wonderful yes, we are we're some kind of wonderful yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah oh, yeah Boo! It looks like something Stuart little would win.
Well, I'm proud of us and our tiny trophy.
I mean, coming in third wasn't so bad.
Nah, those young & fun kids deserved to win.
They were so vibrant and energetic, but I know bone structure, and they will not age well.
At least we finished ahead of the Weasels.
And we got to see Rick doing all my Fergie moves while singing about his lovely lady lumps.
Oh, Joy, I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you'd hoped.
Oh, it's not your fault.
I was trying to get something back that you can't get back.
The reason I dropped out of the band when I was a teenager was because I got pregnant, and I guess there's a part of me that's always wondered what if.
What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry that I got so crazy Well, if you had just told us that story earlier, we wouldn't have thought you were such a bitch speak for yourself Good night, everyone Goodnight, Melanie Good night, Joy Good night, Victoria Good night, Melanie Good night, ladies.
Oh, good Lord! How did you even get up that swing? Oh, no! Good night.