I Love Lucy (1951) s02e14 Episode Script

(I Love Lucy theme music plays) Lucy? Oh, hi, Ethel.
Lucy isn't here.
She took the baby down to Mrs.
Jenkins.
What's going on around here? Oh, Lucy rearranged the furniture again.
But she just rearranged it last week.
No! Oh, well, she'll rearrange it back again in a couple of days.
I just hope that she gets my favorite chair over there where there's some light so I can see.
What makes Lucy change her mind like this? Ask Lucy, Ethel.
Yeah.
This is nothing.
You remember the time that we went to the roof garden to have dinner? Oh, yeah.
What a night.
The whole evening started off wrong.
I was just sitting here, waiting for Lucy to get ready.
Lucy! I'll be ready in a minute, dear.
"I'll be ready in a minute, dear.
" Hi, Ricky.
Hi, Ethel.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Fred.
Well, we're all set.
Is Lucy ready? Oh, sure.
Isn't she ready yet? I thought you were going to get her started earlier tonight so we can have dinner and then go to a movie.
I started her at 2:00 this afternoon.
That early enough? What's she doing? Well, she's trying to make up her mind.
First she couldn't decide what movie she wanted to go to.
That took until 5:00.
Then she couldn't decide what dress she was gonna wear.
She's changed clothes half a dozen times.
I guess she's just a woman.
No, no, son, that's your fault.
You've trained her wrong.
You mean that doesn't happen at your house? I should say not.
The first dress Ethel puts on is the dress she wears.
Oh, how do you manage that? That's easy.
I've only got one dress.
Very funny.
Go on, Rick, will you? Do something.
LUCY: I'll be ready in a minute, dear! I swear that she can see through the walls.
Boy, I'm starved.
Oh, you can live off your fat for a few more minutes.
You might as well get comfortable.
Sit down, will you? Well, come on.
What are you waiting for? Where are you going to dinner? I don't know.
How about some good Italian food? Oh, you know, I kind of felt like Chinese food tonight.
Well, that's okay with me as long as we eat.
Yeah, me, too.
How about you, Lucy? Gee, they both sound so good.
I like Chinese food, but I'm crazy about Italian food, too.
Well, maybe we can find a place that serves ravioli foo yong.
Or chicken chow pizza.
Uh, Italian food sounds okay by me.
All right.
Okay.
Let's go.
Oh, darn it! As you were, diners.
I just happened to think, we ate Italian food a couple of nights ago.
All right, then, we'll have Chinese food.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, wait a minute! Don't tell me.
You want a steak.
No, smartie, but I just happened to remember that Chinese restaurant we like so much isn't open on Monday nights.
Well, honey, there's a lot of Chinese restaurants in town.
We'll go to another Chinese restaurant.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't want to go to a strange Do you want a steak? Oh No, I don't want a steak.
No.
I just want to go anyplace- anyplace that I can eat- anything at all, I don't care where we go.
Well, let's go someplace that's new and exciting.
There's a lot of ads in the paper.
Lucy.
Yeah, look, here's one right here.
Come here.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi This looks wonderful.
Look at this.
See? (mutters) Fred.
What do you think you're doing? Well, this may take some time, and I thought I'd better fortify myself.
It's a nice restaurant.
Yes, it is, Lucy.
Thank you.
(Fred whistling a happy tune) (continues whistling tune) Thank you.
(still whistling tune) Stop whistling.
(whistling stops) Well, I know what I want.
Let's get a waiter and order.
Oh, uh, waiter.
Waiter, we know what we want.
Waiter? He didn't see me.
Uh, waiter.
Waiter, we're ready to Waiter? I'll get him when he comes back.
I'll lay you three to one.
Oh, uh, waiter.
Waiter, dear! Nice try.
He gets by me again over my dead body.
Well, are we ready to order now? Yes, we're ready to order.
I'd like roast beef, please.
Yeah, one roast beef.
MAN: Henry? Uh, yes, pardon me just a second.
I'll be back in a moment.
Honey, that's the first time that I heard you make up your mind and order just like that.
Well, I happened to know what I wanted.
Look, honey, there's an empty table back there by the window.
Let's move back there.
Honey, what's wrong with this table? Oh, but look, we have that nice view while we're eating.
Come on! Oh, now, Lucy! Honey, now, wait a minute.
We got the silverware, the water, everyth Oh, take the silverware with us.
Come on.
It's chilly.
Oh, come on.
Oh, this table is taken.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Come on.
Okay.
There we are.
See how much nicer it is over here? (silverware clattering) (silverware clattering) There.
Now, has everybody got everything they need? I've got three knives.
I beat you, I got a full house- three forks and a pair of spoons.
Give me a fork, Fred.
I'll give you a knife.
I got nothing.
And a spoon, Fred.
Okay, okay, I got it.
How's that? Is that it? Fine, fine.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Fine.
Psst! Psst! Psst! Henry.
Oh, there you are! Yes, now, uh, where were we? We were over there.
Never mind.
I ordered roast beef.
Eh, one roast beef.
And what would you like, Ethel? I think I'll have the lamb chops.
One lamb chops.
FRED: What looks good to you, Rick? RICKY: Well Lamb chops, huh? See, that sounds good.
They're not fattening either.
Would you mind changing my order to lamb chops? Two lamb chops.
That's two for each of us.
Yes.
Oh, an-and, uh, I don't want too much fat on mine, but I would like them extra thick.
Maybe you'd like to have me trot the lamb by, and you can pick out the chops you want.
Well! Lucy, please? Go ahead, Rick, order somethin'.
Sirloin steak.
Uh, yes, sir.
How would you like it? Rare.
Thick and juicy.
Yes, sir.
And you, sir? FRED: Well, uh, let me see.
I believe I'm going to try the, uh Sirloin steak, huh? How would you like it, madam? Well, medium or rare? Rare.
Pork chops.
Yes, sir.
Now, what would you like to drink? Well, I You order last.
Um, coffee for me.
I'll have coffee, too.
Two coffees.
Milk.
Milk.
Now, madam, what would you like? Pork chops, huh? Would it be too much bother to change my order to pork chops? Why, no, madam.
Whatever gave you that idea? I'd like two pork chops, please.
Very well.
Why don't you write it down? I already did when he ordered it.
Now, let's see if I've got this straight.
Lamb chops for you, sirloin steak for you, uh, pork chops for you, pork chops for you, and a new eraser for me.
You know, with all this talk about pork chops, I Yeesh! I guess I'll stick to lamb chops.
Now, how about shrimp cocktails all around? Uh That'd be fine.
Thank you very much.
WAITER: Thank you, sir.
What did you do that for? Honey, I'm sick and tired of hearing you change your mind every two seconds.
Well, I couldn't help it.
Everything everybody ordered sounded so wonderful.
Fine thing, you come to a restaurant and you can't even order what you (sneezes) Bless you! You catching a cold, honey? Well, there's a horrible draft in here.
You want to change places with me? Oh, no, that wouldn't do any good.
Oh, look, there's an empty table over there.
Let's go over there.
Stand by for another troop movement.
Honey, we're going to stay right here.
No, now, come on.
It's nice over th Sit down! What do you want me to do? Catch my death of cold? No, but we came from there Well, then come on.
Come on over here.
There's no reason why we can't move over here.
ETHEL: Why fight it? RICKY: Okay, here we go again.
See how much better it is over here? Mm-mm-hmm.
I hate to sit in a draft.
All right, hon.
Oh, uh, we're over here now.
You see, we were over there, but there was such a draft, I couldn't (music) Good morning, Lucy.
Hi.
What are you doing? Oh, I've been cleaning out that closet.
Oh.
I'm on a new regime.
I'm gonna finish everything I start.
I started cleaning out that closet 11 years ago.
Yeah, right after we were married.
You should see the stuff I found in there.
I've just been reading some of my old mementos.
Uh, Lucy, tell me something.
How did you happen to start on this new regime? Oh, I just thought it was the thing to do.
Lucy, does anybody else on this floor speak with an accent? What do you mean by that? Well, last night when I was out in the hall changing a lightbulb, and I heard some Cuban yelling at his wife and saying that from now on, she had to finish everything she starts.
Ethel, do you sleep with your ears under or over the covers? Well, the walls of this apartment are pretty thin.
(laughs) He really was upset, wasn't he? Wasn't he? (both laugh) Why, his face turned absolutely purple.
These walls are a lot thinner than I thought.
Uh I mean, he sounded like it was purple.
Oh.
Hey, listen to this.
I wrote this 15 years ago.
"Dearest, darling Tom, As long as I live, I can never forget you.
" Tom who? I don't remember.
Oh, fine.
"Being with you the other night was pure heaven.
Remember how we " Well, don't stop now.
Go on.
That's all there is.
Oh.
Oh, I remember now.
It was Tom Henderson.
And just as I was writing this letter, he called on the phone, we had a big fight, and I never finished it.
Oh.
Oh, I should never have fought with him.
He now owns a swanky fur salon downtown.
Oh, you fool.
Yeah.
Oh, well, so much for Tom Henderson.
Hey I'm supposed to finish everything I start, aren't I? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Lucy, are you gonna finish that letter? Uh-huh.
Are you gonna mail it? No.
Well, what's the use? Who'll see it? A certain purple-faced Cuban we both know.
(laughs) As long as he's so insistent that I finish everything, I'm going to have a little fun with him.
Let's see now.
"Being with you the other night was pure heaven.
"Remember how we "Remember how we laughed and what fun we had?" (giggling) (wicked laugh) Hee, hee.
Uh, "See you for lunch tomorrow.
Love, Lucy.
" (giggling) Now, I'll just be finishing this when Ricky comes in, and I'll get all flustered when he catches me, see? Oh, Lucy, I wish you had a window in your forehead so I could peek in and watch those wheels go 'round.
You'd better go now.
Ricky's gonna home for lunch any minute.
Okay.
Good luck.
Okay.
(doorknob turning) Well oh, I I Oh, Ethel! Oh, I'm sorry, but I just got to thinking it over.
Do you think this is safe, what with Ricky's temper and all? Oh, sure.
Well, good luck.
Okay.
(sighs) FRED: Psst! Psst! Hey, Rick.
Hiya, Fred.
I've been waiting for ya.
Yeah? What happened? We men have to stick together.
What do you mean? Ethel couldn't keep her big blabbermouth closed, so she told me a secret.
What's that? Lucy found an old, unfinished love letter.
Oh? Yeah, but she finished it this afternoon, and now she's waiting to have a little fun with you.
(chuckling) Is that so? Yeah.
All right, Fred, thanks for telling me.
I'll see you later.
All right.
Ha, ha, ha! A little fun, eh? Oh! Hi, honey.
Hi, honey.
Oh! Uh Uh oh.
Uh, what you got there? Where? In back of you there.
Oh, nothing.
It-it's not for you to see.
Oh.
Oh, it's a surprise for me, eh? Uh, yeah.
Well, I can wait.
All right, all right.
You want me to see the letter, let me have it.
No, no.
I don't want you to see it! Honey, you've been waving it around like a flag.
Now, come on.
What is it? Is it a bill? No.
(laughing loudly) (laughing harder) What are you laughing at? Oh, this is very funny, this letter.
(chuckles) What's the gag? It's no gag.
I guess I had to expect that sooner or later, you'd find out.
Now, Lucy we've been married for 11 years.
I know you like a book, and every time you act like this, you must have an interior motive.
"Ulterior," and I have not.
Come, come, now.
Are you by any chance trying to get back at me for that scolding that I gave you the other night? No, and you think you're so smart.
Lucy? Well, I'm not! That's just what it looks like.
It's, it's a letter to Tom Henderson.
Oh, Tom Henderson? Yes.
He's a big fur man downtown and-and Tom and I used to go to college together and-and we used to go around a lot together and we've been seeing each other since, that's all.
Oh, well, if that's all (dismissive chuckle) You don't believe me, do you? Sure, honey, sure, I believe you, yeah.
It's the truth! Well, then, uh, you don't mind if I mail the letter? No.
I-I wrote it to be mailed.
All right.
I'll mail it on my way to the club tonight.
Go ahead and see if I care.
See if I care about anything that you do! (laughing) I heard the voices being raised.
(chortling) Oh, boy, is she mad.
What did you do? I told her I was going to mail the letter.
That's not cricket, old boy.
(both laugh) Are you really gonna mail it? No.
I'm just gonna to let her stew in her own goose for a while.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I know what you mean all right, but I just never heard it put that way before.
I don't know why you wanted to come down here anyway.
Because Ricky mailed the letter.
I have to explain to Tom.
Okay.
Come on.
Now, wait a minute.
I have to think what I'm going to say.
I haven't seen Tom Henderson in 15 years.
He'll think I'm crazy.
Oh, he'll understand.
Well, I hope you're right.
Gee, Ethel, do you think I've changed any in 15 years? I got a little older, huh? Don't be silly.
Women don't get older.
They just mature a little.
Men get older.
Yeah.
Well, of course, in Tom's case, it won't make any difference.
He was so handsome to start with.
He was certainly a gorgeous hunk of man.
Well, come on.
Hey, wait a minute.
You don't suppose that's Tom, do you? Oh, he couldn't have changed that much.
I'll have it for you Tuesday.
Good-bye, Mrs.
Corner.
Good-bye, Mr.
Henderson.
Mr.
Henderson.
That must be Tom.
That's a gorgeous hunk of man?! Looks like my hunk has shrunk.
Come on, let's forget the whole thing.
(gasps): Look! Ricky and Fred! Yeah.
They must have followed us.
Well, let's make a run for it, huh? No, honey, they've seen us.
It's too late.
Listen, you-you go in there and pretend to buy a coat or something get Tom out of the way.
What good will that do? Go on.
I'll think of something.
Okay.
I have just what you want, Mrs.
Mertz.
I've got one on display in the window.
Uh, silver fox? You know, Fred, I think this time she's really jumped her trolley.
Looks like.
Oh, hi, Ricky.
How nice to see you, dear.
And don't bother turning around, Tom.
It's just my husband.
(laughing giddily) What's going on here? Oh, uh, Tom was just going to teach me a new dance step, Weren't you, dear? How's that go again now? One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two (laughing) (Ricky laughing uncontrollably) (laughter continues) (still laughing) Is this your old boyfriend? He isn't half the man he used to be.
Where, uh where is Tom Henderson? Oh, Ricky, that letter was just a gag.
You were so darn smart about it, you made me mad, that's all.
(chuckling): Well, what what about this dummy routine? Didn't you know this guy at all? Sure I did, but when I knew Tom, he was tall, dark and handsome.
I saw him today and he's short, bald and dumpy.
You never would have stopped kidding me about that.
Well, honey, I guess I was a little cruel.
Listen, you'll have lunch with a tall, dark and handsome man anyway.
Come on.
I'll take you.
Okay.
You know, it's a good thing he was a funny-looking guy, otherwise you'd be plenty worried by now, 'cause I was gonna go through with it.
Yeah, I don't have the slightest doubt.
(chuckling) ETHEL: Oh, Lucy? Yeah? Lucy, we made an awful mistake.
This isn't Tom Henderson.
It's his brother, Harry.
LUCY: Oh! Tom! Why, Lucy! (I Love Lucy theme music plays) ANNOUNCER: The waiter was played by Frank Nelson.
Tom Henderson was played by Johnny Hart.
The woman in the fur salon was Sally Corner and the fur salesman was Phil Arnold.
ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.
ANNOUNCER 2: Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
This is the CBS Television Network.