In Living Color (1990) s02e14 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody here is equally kind Everybody here is equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[Applause.]
[Cheering And Whistling.]
Thank you.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
Welcome to the show.
I came out here tonight because.
.
.
I know you're sitting and you're watching at home.
.
.
and somebody introduced me and you were goin', "Who is that?" So I'm going to introduce.
.
.
First I'll reintroduce you.
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to all the other Fly Girls, if you don't know 'em by now.
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.
and then I'll introduce you to our newest Fly Girl.
- Starting here with Deidre, Cari, Michelle.
- [Applause.]
This is our newest Fly Girl, Carla Garrido.
[Cheering.]
That's Carrie Ann and Lisa.
And of course you gotta say hello to the one and only.
.
.
- SW1.
- [Cheering.]
[Laughing.]
Sit tight.
We'll be right back.
Lots of fun.
Guaranteed.
You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon Bob, you think you could try to clean the windshield? It's filthy.
- [Scratching.]
- Oh, heck! I just cleaned these wipers last week.
There's got to be a better way to clean a windshield.
[Thump.]
What was that? How y'all doin'? Havin' a nice day? [Man.]
Yes, forget about lousy wiper blades.
In fact, forget aboutwindshield wipers entirely.
Introducing Mr.
Squeegee.
Your windshield will sparkleforjust pennies a day.
[Tires Screeching.]
He sticks to your car like glue, even underthe most extreme driving conditions.
And he's guaranteednot to shake loose.
- [Scream.]
- [Thud.]
[Horn Honks.]
[Yelps.]
Look here, man.
I'm just trying to make an honest dollar.
Help a brother out, homey.
Help me get something to eat, man.
- How about you, Miss Lady? - [Coin Drops.]
All right.
Have a nice day.
Wipers never workwhen you need them.
Mr.
Squeegee workswhether you need him or not.
Not only are we cleaning our windows.
.
.
But we feel really good about it too.
Hey, look here, man, let me get a "sammich," man.
Gentlemen, we are the only studio in town.
.
.
without a single black filmmaker.
This is a a key market that we simply have to tap.
.
.
so today I have lined up meetings.
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.
with some of the hottest young black filmmakers in Hollywood.
This must be the place! Now, wake up the dotted line 'cause the Funkateers are here to sign.
On the good foot, you know? Gentlemen, you're early.
And you look sweet enough to eat, honey.
Oh, I get a cavity just lookin' at you, sweet thing! Look here, home skillet, save some for dessert, ya know? - Now, you must be.
.
.
- Funky Finger Producciones.
- I'm Clavell.
- I'm sorry.
I don't see your name here.
- And I'm Howard Tibbs III.
- Let me give you one of my business cards.
You know, I'm fresh out.
Howard? Bam! All right, the number's here, but you're gonna have to read real quick.
.
.
'cause it's growing back fast.
- I'm gettin' ready to buy one of them blow out kits.
- Basketball Afro for days! Well, it is certainly a pleasure to meet you both.
Let me start by introducing you to our vice president of publicity, Lee Dagget.
- Say what? - Bam! You're just the man I wanted to see.
- You all right, homeboy? - All right.
- Look here.
- Don't push him out the car.
Interesting title.
Oh Knats.
No, no, no.
You got that backwards.
Let me see this here.
That's Stank Ho.
See, it's a love story.
It picks up where Pretty Woman left off.
.
.
only this time, she does all her shopping at Fatburger, ya know? Did I mention I had a doctor's appointment? Block 'em at the door, homey! [Laughs.]
Gentlemen, it has just been a real pleasure meeting you.
We ain't done yet, big legs! You know, it's a two-picture deal.
Howard, show 'em the trailer.
I really don't think we have time for this.
Whoo! Bam! Now, you see, this is a little ditty we like to call.
.
.
Dirty Dancing With Wolves.
Ain't no function at this junction.
- I had the time of my life.
- I'm just kiddin', y'all.
But I never met this wolf before.
- Let's take it downtown, home skillet.
- Break it down.
Look here, homey, I hate to interrupt this thing.
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but the costume got to be back in just about 15.
- And the bus.
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.
- And here comes my bus.
- There go the bus.
- You got change for a dollar? I got it.
Leroy, bring my camera by later, could you? Now how does that grab you, matzo grip? - Ahh! - Well, you know, I think I've seen just about enough.
Your 12:00 is here, Lisa.
Do you two know you left your sandwich cart outside? Well, ain't that a chocolate chip cookie? You know, I knew we forgot something! Hey, look, y'all! Who's hungry? - Please show these gentlemen out.
- Did I mention we also produced.
.
.
My Afro's Too Highto Box with God? Right, and Teenage Mutant Negro Turtles.
Say, say, say, brother! - Isn't that Wes Unseld? - Love your work, man! Carla, the coast is clear.
Can I borrow, uh, you know, a feminine product? - Oh, you mean a tampon? - Shh.
Yes.
Hurry.
Thanks.
That time of the month, huh, Joyce? That's not cleavage.
It's swelling.
Suffering from P.
M.
S.
, Joyce? [Laughs.]
See? I told you she looked bloated.
Can't seem to disguise the fact that it's your time of the month? Well, now Femco brings you Fashion Tampons.
Stylish, comfortable and fun.
They come in assorted colors and go with any outfit.
Ooh, Joyce, I love those earrings! Thanks, Carla.
Actually, they're tampons.
.
.
conveniently packaged in boxes of 12, 24 and 186.
And they're super absorbent.
Something you just can't find in other fashion wear.
Fashion Tampons.
Well, honey, I'm just gonna go on down and get me some.
Gee, Joyce, you look great today.
I like a woman who can accessorize.
Really turns me on.
Nice dress, Joyce.
This old rag? Fashion Tampons.
Because at that time of the month, you want to look good.
[Woman.]
And there's alsoFashion Maxi and Mini Pads.
.
.
for the woman on the go.
Fashion Tampons from Femco.
[Hip-hop.]
[TV Reporter.]
Fighting broke out overnight between rival factions.
.
.
Honey, how's that roast coming along? It's almost ready, dear.
- [Siren Wailing.]
- Gee, Dad, that sounds close.
- Dad, it stopped right in front of the house! - What's going on? All right, everybody, let's all just calm down.
- I'll take care of this.
- [Knocking.]
Nice to meet ya, folks.
Fire Marshal Bill here.
- Won't you come in? - Don't mind if I do.
- Wow! A real fireman! - That's right, princess.
Say, you sure have a beautiful family here.
Why, thank you, Fire Marshal Bill.
How can we help you? Well, it's National Fire Safety Week.
I've been going door to door lookin' for fire hazards.
Mind if I give your place a little inspection? It's free.
Please do.
Son, does your father always smoke a pipe? Yes, sir.
Pipes, cigarettes.
.
.
number one cause of domestic fires.
- Let me show you something.
- Certainly.
Now, say one night you're driftin' off to sleep on the couch.
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.
and the pipe falls out of your hand like that.
Now you start dreaming that you're havin' a little barbecue.
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.
you pull out a can of lighter fluid.
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.
Boom! You're off to the races.
- Fire! - What, that? Hey, Fire Marshal Bill, your finger's on fire! That's nothin'.
I've caught fire so many times, I can't even feel it anymore.
The trick is not to panic.
Fire.
.
.
is.
.
.
your friend.
Uh-oh! Look what I found.
[Family Coughing.]
Down at the station, we like to call this an octopus.
Let me show you something.
Pull these out, it becomes an exposed electrical outlet.
Let's just say it's after dinner.
You've got a fork in your hand.
Somebody says, "Hey, a gaggle of geese!" Where? Where? [Screaming.]
Fire Marshal Bill, are you okay? Are you jokin'? I've been hit by lightning 19 times.
That's horrible! Not really.
I'm startin' to enjoy it.
Okay, everybody.
.
.
out to the kitchen! Now your kitchen area is an all too common locale.
.
.
for fires.
First time I spontaneously combusted was in a kitchen not unlike this one.
It was one of those hot nights.
I opened the fridge, and boom! Went up like a powder keg! [Laughs.]
Good thing I knew how to drop and roll.
- Your hand's on fire! - So it is.
That's a sure sign that your gas flow hasn't been calibrated properly.
- [Water Hissing.]
- Ahh! Now.
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.
Say you got yourself a bit of a virus.
You're lookin' for a box of tissues.
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.
but it's not there and it's too late.
[Sneezes.]
Next thing you know, your gas light goes out on your new gas range.
Suddenly, your house is hit by a giant meteor storm that's totally unexpected.
One of those hot little babies comes right through the kitchen window.
.
.
you just happen to be holding a match.
- Hey! - You're not gonna light that, are you? Don't worry, folks.
I'm a fire marshal.
[Explosion.]
- [Crying.]
- It's all gone, Mommy.
It'll be okay, sweetheart.
Everything we had was in there.
Come on, folks.
Let's move along.
You'll be all right.
[Coughing.]
They just keep building 'em higher, don't they? Hey! Neighbor! [Blows Whistle.]
Is that a wood shingle roof you got there? Let me show you somethin'! [Hip-hop.]
[Recorded Voices,Indistinct.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Explosion.]
[Rapping Continues.]
[Ends.]
Company, halt! Okay, Woodpeckers, here we are.
At ease.
[Audience Cheering.]
[Honking.]
Welcome, all.
Welcome to Home E.
Cheese, where a kid can be a kid.
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.
unless he get on my damn nerves.
Have a seat, little childrens.
- Yeah! - Yeah! That's, uh.
.
.
"Woodpecker," Mr.
Cheese.
That's, uh, "Clown," Mr.
Peckerwood.
Do you mind if I, uh.
.
.
if I use a check for this? - Oh, you want to pay me with a check, huh? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
And have me stand in line in some damn bank in a clown outfit.
.
.
degrading and shaming myself to cash your little peanuts, huh? I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
[Laughing.]
See? The little chickadees is having fun already.
I suppose you're right.
Okay! Woodpeckers! We rendezvous here at 1400 hours.
[Imitating Woody Woodpecker.]
What the hell was that? - Woodpecker call, sir.
- Yeah, all right.
Well, now that Mr.
Uptight-and-white is gone, let's have some fun.
- Yeah! - Who's the little birthday child? I am, Homey! I am! Okay.
Then you get to wear this.
- Oh! - [All.]
Ooh! - The birthday hat.
- Thank you.
- So what do you wanna do first? - Open my presents! Oh, yeah, right.
Open up all your presents.
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.
while the rest of us stand here empty-handed, watching you have fun, huh? Yeah! I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
You open that crap when you get home, Goldilocks.
- Okay, what's next? - Oh, let's play some games, Homey.
Yeah! Let's play some games! Ooh! You want to play some games, huh? - Yeah! - Yeah.
! Okay, let's play "Homey Says.
" - Yeah! - Yeah! Okay, Homey says do like this.
And then Homey says put your hands like this.
And then Homey says close your eyes like this.
The end! Wasn't that fun, childrens? How about another game? - Let's play a game of cards.
Any volunteers? - Me, me, me.
! Okay, come with me, son.
What kind of cards are these? It's called solitaire.
.
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confinement.
That's what you get for volunteering, stupid.
- Okay, y'all want birthday cake? - Yeah! We ain't got none.
We got cheese.
Government cheese.
Fresh baked this morning.
Let's sing the "Happy Birthday" song.
[Singing.]
Okay, that's enough! Who wants to cut the cheese? All right.
I'll just save it for my 2:00 party.
Okay, childrens, line up.
It's time to sing the Home E.
Cheese Wiz Kids song.
Come on out of jail, silly boy.
I'll hit you when I wanna hit you.
Come on.
Line up.
Let's keep it fun, childrens.
Yeah! Okay, now, sing after me.
I'm a Homey Wiz Kid Look at me I'm a Homey Wiz Kid Look at me I run and jump and play all day because I'm free I run and jump and play all day because I'm free I wish everybody I wish everybody I wish everybody could be like me I wish everybody I wish everybody I wish everybody could be like me Instead of downtrodden people in Mr.
Establishment's society Living like dogs while they try to keep you down With oppression and aggression and cable TV With prison and lovin' it for justice for all I said sing the damn song! [Haphazard Singing.]
Okay, that's enough, that's enough, that's enough.
- Oh! - Pass those out.
- Thanks, Homey! - I dub thee Home E.
Cheese Wiz Kids.
- I can't breathe.
- Thanks, Homey.
Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! My God! What have you done to the children? I've showed them the light.
Okay, kids, let's go.
Fun's over.
Arm yourselves, Homettes! As your Woodpecker leader, I am warning you.
I'm telling you to take those socks, put them away.
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.
and come with me to headquarters N-O-W.
Oh, yeah? Go back to headquarters? Yeah, so you can inspect our bunks? - Yeah, and take away our candy? - Yeah, and make us eat lima beans? [Kids.]
We don't think so.
Home E.
Cheese Wiz Kids don't play that! [Imitating Woody Woodpecker.]
Hey, uh, Homey, can I get my presents back? - Oh, you want all your gifts back? - Yes, please.
I don't think so.
Hmm.
I wonder where that 2:00 group of children is.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Before we go, I'd just like to introduce you to our newest Fly Girl, Carla Garrido.
[Cheering.]
All right! All right! - Say good night, Carla.
- Good night! - Say, "See you next week.
" - See you next week.
She's gonna work out fine.
See you later.
You can do what you wanna do