Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e14 Episode Script

1 I gotta say, this is pretty nice.
It really is, you know? And you know what we should next Saturday is batting cages.
- Oh, I like that.
- I don't play baseball.
You don't have to.
They got mini golf.
They got go-karts.
You're gonna You're gonna find something.
I promise.
All right.
Here we go.
We got "Danger Mountain Two" on Netflix.
Let's make it happen, all right? We never saw part one.
Oh, no problem.
I'll fill ya in.
Oh! He is so good at this.
Here it goes.
Ready? [CLEARS THROAT.]
A guy comes into town looking for a girl.
Another guy says, "You talking about Mojita?" He's like, "I am.
" He's like, "You'll never find her.
" He finds her.
Right? He goes out there.
He's like, "I love you", but I can't take this," and she's like, "What?" She takes out a gun.
He's like "No!" She's like, "Yes!" He's like "No!" She's like, "Yes!" Boom! She shoots him.
- Oh! - Right there bang! He goes down like a Like that, right? But he doesn't die.
And here's the twist He's her brother.
But that's not the big twist! They're both clones! Then they go on a journey of revenge.
Everybody dies.
The end.
- [SIGHS.]
- Here we go.
Wow! - I feel like I just saw that movie.
- Yeah, it's good.
Why do they call it "Danger Mountain"? I'm not sure.
I feel asleep during the mountain part.
You know what? I'll get us some drinks for this one.
- What do you want? - Anything flammable.
This is the third Saturday in a row that we've been out with him.
When are you gonna tell him it's weird? I can't.
Do you see how happy he is? Oh, he's not the one who's happy.
- You are.
- Yeah, I know, and it's killing you, isn't it? Fine.
Hey, Kev.
KEVIN: Yeah? We might pass on the movie.
I know what you mean.
Look what I got in the mail.
"Motocross Mamba: Dirt Bikes and Desert Snakes.
" - Oh, I heard that's great! - It's unbelievable! I am not your ordinary guy - Hi.
- Hi.
I have a 1:00 appointment.
Yes, hello.
You must be Rebecca.
- I am.
- I'm Vanessa Cellucci.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
Oh, crap on a cracker.
Is that a Marchetti? [SIGHS.]
Yeah, actually it is.
Oh, my God.
I love them.
Like, love them more than I would love a child.
[LAUGHS.]
Pr I mean, prob I'm just guessing.
Actually, I'm not guessing.
I would lo I would! [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I work for the company.
I handle their East Coast sales, so So you get, like, a crazy discount, right? Yeah, well, they actually just kind of gave me one.
- They gave you that one? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Uh, you mentioned something on the phone about an ex-boyfriend? Yeah.
Uh, it was a bad break up.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, restraining order.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, I need someone to serve him these legal documents - as soon as possible.
- Okay.
And obviously, I can't do it myself - because I've got this - Hi.
How you doing? Uh, listen do we have one of those Tide pen things? Me and Rootger went to Arby's and Look, you know the rest, so just Okay.
Uh, Kevin, this is Rebecca Romero.
- Nice to see you.
- Rebecca, this is Kevin Gable, my partner, and he was just about to apologize for interrupting.
Actually, you should try seltzer water.
Really? Does it work on barbecue sauce? Yeah.
Probably, yeah.
That's great 'cause I got a separate pants situation at home.
[LAUGHS.]
Last week, I almost lost a plate of ribs, but I saved them with my thighs! [LAUGHS.]
All right, I'll try the seltzer.
- Thanks for the tip.
- Okay.
How do you not crack up working with him all day? Oh, I find a way.
[LAUGHS.]
- Wow! [SIGHS.]
- Yep! I know.
He's a lot coming at you all at once, right? I like it.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's He's funny, confident.
I-I hope I'm not out of line for asking, but but wh-what's his situation? Wait.
Are you Are you guys to Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no.
No.
So, what what What's what's his type? Do you think he'd be interested? Okay, w-we're we are talking about the same guy, right? The one that was just in here with the stains - and the whole thing? - Yeah! Yeah, I just I feel like he has this warmth to him like a big blanket that makes you feel safe, you know? You see, I get more of a beanbag chair on wheels.
You know what I mean? How it moves around a lot.
You what I mean? No? Listen, if you like him, why don't you go talk to him? Maybe you could You could, you know, put in a good word for me? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just I was just looking at the bag.
Mm-hmm.
I just [CHUCKLES.]
Do you know if it comes with the matching makeup case? - It does.
It does.
- It does.
- And you got that one for free? - I did.
And I might just have an extra one in my car.
Then, yes, I can talk to him.
I can talk to him.
- You're supposed to blot.
- I am blotting.
- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you so much for coming in.
It was so good to meet you.
- You too.
- All right.
Bye, Kevin.
Be good.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you even know what "blotting" means? Do you know what it means? Honestly.
Well, yes, I do know what it means.
Do they have blotting where you're from? Okay.
All right.
Hate to break up the Mensa meeting, but can I can I, uh, - can I talk to you for a second? - What's up? Well, just wanted to get your thoughts on Rebecca.
- My thoughts? She's a client.
- Yeah.
If the check clears, I'm happy.
Those are my thoughts.
Well, the thing is, is that we were talking, and she thinks you're cute.
ROOTGER: What?! Well, I'm baffled! Think about it Your level is right here.
If you look at her Boom! - Right there, maybe even there.
- Okay, I get it.
I got it.
- Big space.
- I get where you're going.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- I understand.
- I will handle I will handle this! - Thank you! - You don't have to handle anything.
Thank you, okay? I'm not Look, I'm I'm not ready to do this yet.
I don't want to go out with her.
Why? You got to get out there.
- What are you talking - Why not just jump in there, go on a date with her? She's beautiful, and, by the way, - such a sweet girl.
- I'll tell you why I can't 'cause I would need six months to get back into dating shape, minimum.
And that's every day on my Ab Blaster.
Every day! She likes you just the way you are.
Don't be selfish.
We need this.
- "We"? - I mean you.
You need it.
You got to start dating! Just the other night, he had a double date with Mott and his wife.
By himself? That's not a double date.
That's a third wheel! Oh, hey, they penciled me in for a re-date, so somebody's doing something right, okay? Look, even if I were to go out with her and say I wanted to, I'd have to I'd have to run it by the kids, and I'm gonna tell you right now, they would not be okay with it.
- Totally okay with it! - Yeah.
Yeah, it'd be weird if you didn't go.
You see? They want you to go.
They're just putting on a brave face.
No, these are our faces.
Look, we've been telling you you should go.
I understand that, but I-I Tonight, it just doesn't feel like the right time.
Okay.
Maybe we'll do it another night.
No, no.
Kevin, you're getting nervous! Now, it's the first time that you're You're dipping your toe in the dating pool.
It's gonna be fine.
I promise you, okay? Just no cellphones 'cause that's rude.
Oh, and make sure to make eye contact.
Uh-huh.
And compliment her shoes.
Tip 20%.
Let 'em know you're a player, player.
You know what? Now you're making too big a deal of this.
- It's okay.
- All right.
- Hey! - Oh-ho-ho! You got to be kidding me! So, what are you wearing? Give us a spin! Sorry, guy.
I didn't want to come.
She made me.
You look great, Dad.
Thanks, but why is everybody here? It's your first date in 25 years.
I mean, that's exciting.
Yes, I harken back to when Kendra and I first went out, uh, and I will never forget you leaned across the table and said to me Holy crap.
Is that a Marchetti? Uh, no, she complimented me on my bolo tie and said that I looked like I could be in Rascal Flatts.
So, did you, uh, do the cologne sandwich? - What? - My move, you know? Put some cologne on, you hop on the elliptical for 20 minutes, slap some more cologne on.
Works every time.
Then why are you here alone on a Saturday night? Because my elliptical is broken.
Take me aside next time, guy.
So, where are you guys going? Just a restaurant.
Gonna take her for dinner and then I'm coming home.
That's it.
Wait.
No! You gotta go out after.
You have to make a night out of it.
Hey! [GASPS.]
You should take her to an escape room! A what? It is a thrilling, high-intensity challenge where you're locked inside a room, and you have to solve a-a series of intricate puzzles just to escape! Wish me luck, everybody! - Bye! - Good luck.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You look nice.
I, uh I like your hair.
- Oh.
- It's got, uh good sheen.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm not really sure what that means.
I saw it in a commercial once, but it's good.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Uh, you You look really nice, too.
Thank you.
I just, uh Just threw it on last minute, you know? I, uh I'm lying.
I am lying.
[LAUGHS.]
I w I went through like five changes.
- It was weird.
Yeah.
- Huh.
Only five? Oh, well, if we're being completely honest, I think I tried on everything in my closet.
Okay, well, if I'm being honest, I-I sat down really slowly tonight because I was super nervous, and I put on a bunch of baby powder - 'cause I sweat a lot - Oh.
And and I was worried if I sat down too quick, it might look like Mount St.
Helens.
Oh! Well, honestly, I did see a little poof, but I just thought your chair was dusty, so don't worry about it.
- No.
That was all me.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
But I'm dry as an infant.
All right, let's get some calamari.
- What do you say? - Okay, yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is Jim here? Yeah, he's in your office, but, uh, I'm confused.
Why are we working at night? We had to lure Rebecca's ex-boyfriend here so we can serve him the papers.
It's a sting.
Okay, but, uh, he says he's here to pick up concert tickets he won on the radio.
That's the sting.
- Okay.
- It's a cop trick.
You know, you tell someone they won something, they show up to collect, and that's when you put the hook in.
Sorry.
Am I in the right place? I was supposed to be picking up Brooks & Dunn tickets.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, Jim.
The concert's been cancelled, but you did win these Some legal papers from Rebecca Romero.
- Rebecca? - Yeah.
Okay.
She's not here, is she? Why? I'm sorry.
Are you scared of violating your restraining order? No, I have a restraining order against her.
Okay, like you expect us to believe that.
- We weren't born tomorrow, my friend.
- Okay.
Here.
See for yourself.
Oh.
Okay.
This looks kind of legit.
Does she even work for the Marchetti handbag company? No, but she has been arrested for stealing them.
I have the receipt for this.
I'm telling you She is psychotic.
Once she latches on, she doesn't let go.
Four out of her last five exes have restraining orders against her.
What happened to the fifth? "Fell off a cruise ship.
" We probably could've used this info a few hours ago.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Hey, I-I think your phone's buzzing again.
Oh.
It's Vanessa.
It's like the fifth time she's called.
Oh, well, maybe you should just get it.
Nah.
No, she said I should be a gentleman and not be on my phone.
She's right.
She's probably just testing me.
Well, guess what Mm! Just passed.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Hey, can I be honest with you? Yeah, that That's our thing.
This place is a little too fancy for me.
- I'm kind of a simple girl.
- Me too! I mean, not the "girl" part, but, yeah, I'm simple as well.
It's like like I don't like It's too much going on in here.
The flowers, the the double Who double plates? W-Whatever you were gonna put in this, just put it in this.
Get rid of it.
Do you want to get out of here? H-H-Have you ever been to, uh, All American Burger? No, but I'm listening.
Okay.
First of all, they have the greatest burgers, but they also have fried shrimp, which is odd, but it works.
- I'm telling you! - Let's do it! Let's do it.
Okay.
"Mom, I think I found my soul mate.
" - [CHUCKLES.]
That's funny.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
And send.
Okay, now, the waiter said they just left, but he overheard them talking about going to a burger place.
That could be anywhere on the island.
[SIGHS.]
No, he's with a girl, so he's gonna try to show off.
- All American Burger.
- All American Burger.
Got it.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- I can't believe this.
Wow! You called it.
- Mm.
This is pretty incredible.
- Yep.
You know what it is? It's It's the meat-to-bun ratio.
It's on point.
And the fact that they don't use lettuce and tomato, it's a celebration of what isn't.
- Wow! - Mm-hmm.
- You've really thought about this.
- Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
That's what I love about you.
You know what it is? Most people just They just eat their food, you know, but I like to to know how things work, you know? Mm.
That's why if you have some time one day, I'd love to tell you about why Taco Bell's Cheesy Gordita Crunch is the perfect food.
Awesome! We can grab a bunch for the ride when we head upstate for Thanksgiving.
Mm-hmm.
What's that now? Thanksgiving.
It's huge in my family.
Yeah, it's huge in a In a lot lot of families.
Um y-you think we're kind of getting ahead of ourselves on this one? If this is gonna work, you know, we we need to plan things.
And And I know.
It's just that, um It's like, uh, 10 months away still, so Yeah! Planning! And this year, my brother gets out of jail, so it's gonna be a big one.
I can't believe this.
Kevin's on his first date in 25 years, and the girl's a nut job! This is all my fault.
Oh, come on now.
It's not your fault.
Although you did push him quite a bit.
By the way, would you mind picking up the pace, Grandma? Hey, I'm not gonna get pulled over.
I don't even have a license.
Mm! Man, I'm full.
[YAWNS LOUDLY.]
Tired.
Should probably get going, huh? Oh.
Get you home.
I ruined the night, didn't I? [SIGHS.]
I was too pushy.
I-I do that all the time.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not at all.
Not at all.
I finally meet a great guy, and then And then I ruin it.
Trust me, I'm I'm not that great.
Can I be honest? I am not well liked in my community.
I'm not, and I know we joked about the baby powder before, but truth is, I do need it.
It's a medical condition.
They don't even know what's going on down there.
[SIGHS.]
You're so sweet and honest.
Can Can we just start fresh and and and have fun for the rest of the night? I really can be fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Um, you know, my son-in-law, he he He brought up about going to, like, an escape room.
I don't know if you've ever gone to one of those Oh, that's that's one of those things where they lock you up in a room, and you have to solve all these puzzles to get out? Yeah.
I mean, we could do that or then we can go to, like, batting cages.
- You want to go to batting cages? - No, no, no.
No, let's let's go to the one where you get locked in the room.
Sure.
Let's do it.
Okay, so they went to All American Burger and left.
Now we just have to figure out where they're going.
- I'm afraid it's too late.
- What? I have a sixth sense about these things.
Kevin is dead.
What? He's not dead.
He is.
A-A-A strange chill came over my body.
That's 'cause you're drinking a milkshake.
Oh.
Yeah, that's probably it.
And the clues to the puzzle will give you the key to open the door.
The fastest escape from this room has been 52 minutes, and the longest, 5 hours and 34 minutes.
Would you like to come up with a safe word in the event that you're too scared? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Been on the police force for 20 years.
I think I'll be okay.
Ooh, plastic axe! Ooh, that's real, actually.
Okay.
Have fun.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Vanessa.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, what is so important? Listen to me, do not interrupt.
I want you to listen to everything that I am saying.
Are you with Rebecca?! Are you with Rebecca?! You said don't interrupt.
Where are you? I g I'm in a dungeon.
Um, okay.
Well, get out.
Rebecca is crazy.
Yeah, believe me.
I'm starting to realize that.
No, no, no.
Like, really insane.
Every ex-boyfriend has a restraining order against her.
Get out now! [DOOR CLOSES, LOCK ENGAGES.]
Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
[GRUNTS.]
That is sealed shut.
All right, you know what? I think we should, uh, probably come up with a safe word.
I-I like "anaconda.
" Let's do that.
You know what? We're gonna We're gonna change.
We're gonna go with a safe word.
We're gonna go with "anaconda.
" By the way [QUIETLY.]
anaconda! So I'm crazy, huh? - What's that now? - Yeah.
I overheard your conversation.
Vanessa thinks I'm insane and that you should get away from me? No, no.
First of all, she meant "insane" like a good Like, "She's insane!" What? She's insane!" She was complimenting you, all right? I really think we should focus on getting out of here.
That's what we should do.
Oh, there there's a key.
I think we're great together! I don't understand why you'd want to leave me! I don't want to leave you.
I'm trying to leave the room.
That's the idea of an escape room is to To leave the room, you know? Look, that key must mean something.
And there's a pegboard.
You just go up the pegboard.
I'll go up Boom, boom, boom, boom Grab the key, and we'll get out of here, okay? Let's do this.
Wow.
It's just like one thing goes wrong, and you just want to give up.
I think that's just a decoy.
I'm not stupid.
You don't like me, and it's obvious.
I didn't say I didn't like you.
Really? You like me? Absolutely, I Hey, buddy! How about a hint on how to get out of here? JOSH: No clues for the first hour.
[LAUGHING.]
Of course there's not.
You know what? Chale mentioned something about an escape room.
I'm gonna see if there's any in the area.
Okay.
There's two.
One in, uh, Massapequa, and a discount one in Lindenhurst.
- Lindenhurst.
- Lindenhurst.
I'm just clinging to any hope he's still alive.
What are you talking about? He's alive! I just talked to him! You just You were in the ca You hear Okay.
Oh, come on.
All I did was invite you to my family's for Thanksgiving.
Out of the kindness of my heart.
And I thought that was That was super sweet.
I'm very happy your brother's getting parole, too.
I'm very big on second chances.
Oh! You think this is funny? You think I'm crazy? Well, I'm gonna show you crazy.
Why don't you Google me? Google me right now! - Where's your phone? Google me! - Yeah.
I-I-I don't I don't need to Google you.
I'll take your word for it.
Okay, Josh, are you getting any of this? Josh? Yeah, and if you are listening, you would know that he's the one that's emotionally unavailable Aah! Oh, thank God.
Hey, not so scary now, are you, behind a wall, Lady Cray Cray? - Unbelievable.
- Aah! What's up, girl? We're meant to be together.
Aah! Josh, if you don't get me out here in three seconds, I promise you, I will go full-on Wreck-It Ralph! I'm guessing this is your guy? Yeah, that's him.
- Want me to get him out of there? - Hang on.
I just want to - see what he does.
- Three, two, one! [CLATTERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[CLATTERING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's time to get him out of there.
Yeah.
Hang on.
Why are we watching "Danger Mountain Two"? 'Cause Dad ruined "Danger Mountain One.
" Well, it's basically the same plot except the mountain explodes at the end.
Hey! Dad, how was it? It sucked.
Did you go to the escape room? Yep.
Almost died.
Well, how was Rebecca? She's psychotic.
Feel sorry for the next idiot that gets stuck with her.
Is this seat taken? It is now.
Mm.
You smell good.
Ah, cologne sandwich.
[LAUGHS.]
You're funny.
[BOTH LAUGH.]