Mad About You s02e14 Episode Script

- H-l-N-G, that's your word? - Yes, it is.
What is it? Hing.
Thank you very much.
What does it mean? - It's hard to explain.
- Yeah.
Use it in a sentence.
Hing? I won the game of Scrabble using the word "hing.
" Yeah.
Well, I challenge "hing.
" You're such a baby.
I didn't challenge you when you said "quizjax.
" - Oh, hing.
Sure.
- Hing.
- You getting ready or not? - Yes, I am.
- Well, put down the catalog.
- No, I am.
What is it with these people? They're standing in the ocean with a sweater and a cup of coffee.
Who does that? - Would you get ready.
- I really don't want to go to this thing.
- It's entertainment.
- There will be singers and dancers? Yes, something.
I don't know, political satire or something.
- What did you say? - Political satire, okay? Did she say political satire? You knew this? You didn't tell me? - I was afraid you wouldn't wanna go.
- I don't wanna go.
I don't wanna go either, but it's a benefit for Fran's kid's school.
It's so dumb.
You're going for Fran.
I'm going for you.
Ira's going for me.
It's a whole trickle-down theory.
There's your political satire right there, the trickle-down analogy I just made.
Why don't we just stay home? - Put on your shoes.
- I'm putting on my shoes.
Coming.
If I could do that, why would I be going out tonight? - Pauly, am I late? - No, come on in.
- Pretty sharp, huh? - You're a beautiful man.
- So tell me something.
- What? - Why am I going to this thing? - I don't know.
When I know why I'm going, I'll tell you why you're going.
- Hey, James.
- Hi, Ira.
Put a tie on.
- Why? - He has one.
- Are you proud of yourself now? - Put on a tie.
- The navy one.
- I don't own a navy tie.
Yes, you do.
It's the one you think is dark green.
It is dark green.
I got it.
- Hi.
- Hey, Frannie.
- Where are they? - In the bedroom.
- Ira, I think I'm late.
- It's okay.
I thought I was late too.
- No.
I mean, I think I'm "late" late.
- What? Okay.
Hi, Fran.
What color is this? - Navy.
- Navy.
You see that? They both said dark green.
How could you be late? It was one time.
It wasn't even in town.
What does that have to do with anything? - I'm just saying it was in Atlantic City.
- Well, we might have hit the jackpot.
- You didn't tell them about us, did you? - No way.
- Well, that's good.
- Frannie, I'm sorry.
- Let's get this show on the road.
- We don't want to be late.
- What's wrong? - I'm nauseous.
- From what, the entertainment? - No.
I may be pregnant.
What? How could you be pregnant? What, are you afraid a teacher's gonna walk in? Bad enough this guy writes these songs.
Why sing them in front of people? Makes you think.
What does this guy make you think about? That I might have gotten a girl pregnant.
I don't see how you can get that at all.
No, Pauly, what I'm saying is that I might have gotten a girl pregnant.
What, are you kidding me? You don't use anything? - Of course I do.
- So, what happened? So one of my troops may have broken through to the other side.
- Who is she? - You don't know her.
She's just a girl.
We met on a bus, okay? It was one of those cross-town, in-the-night things.
- Hey, who you talking to? - All right.
It was - It was a waitress.
- All right, that's better.
What waitress? - From Riff's? What's her name? Ursula? - Yeah.
- How did that happen? - I don't know.
I'm in there one night.
I'm nursing a beer, and she's closing up the joint.
So she's in there by herself? Yeah, I helped her with this big tray.
Carried it into the back.
- In the back of the restaurant there? - Yeah, the kitchen.
- So it's, like, hot and steamy? - Very.
- So who started it? - Well, I started unbuttoning her shirt.
- And she does what? - She's unbuttoning my shirt.
- You both have no shirts on? - That's right.
- She's standing there with no shirt? - That's correct.
- What happens now? - One thing leads to another and, you know, boom.
How is it in the kitchen? Is it clean? - Doorman? - Yes.
- Which one? - Sergio.
- The swarthy one in the morning? - Yeah, that's him.
- How did it happen? - Well, he was helping me with my groceries, and one thing led to another.
- And, well, you know me and uniforms.
- Wow, Fran! - I'm probably not.
- We'll get you one of those tests.
- Oh, God! - I'm sure you're not.
- Promise me you won't tell Paul.
- No, I won't.
- I mean you really can't tell him.
- I won't tell him.
Okay.
Let's go.
Paul.
Do me a favor.
Don't tell your wife.
- I'd change the names.
- Pauly! All right, I won't.
I won't say anything.
- Hello.
Hi.
Are you okay? - That might be for me.
No, not really.
- Who's that? - Fran.
- You just saw her.
- Do you mind? No.
Of course I didn't tell him.
Did you buy it? Well, did you use it? Well, do it in the morning and call me.
- Do what in the morning? - Make oatmeal cookies.
- Why in the morning? - They rise better.
- They rise? - Yes.
Hold on a sec.
I have another call.
Hello.
Hi.
Hold on.
It's Ira.
Can he call you right back? - You know what? That may be important.
- You just saw him.
- You're talking about cookies.
- I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Paul's cranky.
- I'm not cranky.
- Call me when they're out of the oven.
Hi.
No, it's a good time.
It's good.
- So you're seeing her tomorrow? - Seeing whom? - What? - Whom is he seeing? - Did you say "whom"? - Yes.
That's correct.
Yeah, but, still, you don't say it in a regular sentence like that.
- His bookie.
- His bookie? - Yeah.
Do you mind? - He has a woman bookie? It was her father's business, and now she's running the operation, basically.
No, I didn't tell her.
I did not.
Good.
That's the right thing to do.
All right, so call me tomorrow when you know.
All right.
- What's the right thing to do? - What? You said something was the right thing to do.
You bet.
I told him to bet against the Patriots.
- What's the spread? - The what? - How many points are they getting? - A lot.
Honey, maybe he should take the points.
He can't.
They've been all taken.
We can see that thing we didn't see.
No.
Why don't we wait, and then we can not rent it.
Why don't you have a seat, and I'll be right with you, okay? She look a little heavy to you? - Who? - The waitress.
Ursula.
She's a stick.
Looks like she's carrying a little bloat.
I just don't want Fran to see anything too sad.
- Fran's coming with us? - Can't we stop by and invite her? I know what will happen.
You guys will drag me to a shoe store.
She's had a hard week.
- She's had a hard week since Mark left.
- She's had a hard week.
All right, I get it.
So we'll make it a Fran thing.
- What's a "Fran thing"? - It's like a Lisa thing, only with Fran.
Okay.
Now, I don't recommend the clam chowder.
- Why? - Yeah.
We're out of it.
- How you been doing, Ursula? - Good.
- But, like, how you doing? - Good.
Yeah? Okay.
- Really? - Well, except I can't remember who I lent my mittens to.
Okay.
As long as you're okay.
Because I want you to know you can always talk to us about anything.
I like to think of us as more than just customers, you know? Okay.
Do you want to order? - I'll have a chef's salad.
- Make it two.
- Okay.
- Sure.
We're more than just customers? Just trying to be nice.
All right.
She has to have thumb surgery.
Thumb surgery? That's why the mittens are so important.
But you don't know, okay? I didn't tell anyone.
Her boss doesn't know yet.
- Let me help you with that.
- Thanks.
Sure.
- Where does this go? - I don't know.
- Hey, Frannie.
- Hey.
- Wow.
Nice place.
- Yeah, I just had it painted.
- So? - I don't know yet.
I thought you bought one of those pregnancy tests.
- I did.
But, you know - Okay.
Look, I'll be right here.
Why don't you go take the test.
- Okay.
Want a beer or something? - No, I'm fine.
I'll get it.
I hope it's not Mark.
Did you notice the doorman? Yeah, sort of.
Did he look tender to you? What is the matter with you? - Fran, you cut your hair.
- Pauly.
James.
- What are you doing here? - Frannie asked me to come over.
- What for? - To help her.
- With what? - To paint her apartment.
She asked me to paint her apartment.
So I said that I would.
- Hi.
What are you guys doing here? - We came by to take you to a movie.
Frannie, you go ahead.
I can start painting without you.
- What? - Sure.
You go, I'll paint.
- That's why I'm here.
- Right.
Right on.
Ira's gonna help me paint the apartment.
- Didn't you just have it painted? - Yes, but I hated the way it came out.
- You told me you loved it.
- But in the morning, you can see streaks.
You definitely do not want to see streaks unless, of course, you're going for that textured finish thing.
- For a textured finish? - Yeah, a textured finish.
- It does look a little streaky.
- Where? Do you want us to help? - She doesn't want our help.
- We don't mind.
- Let's start in the dining room.
- Ira, help me get the paint.
Anything you say, boss.
- What, are you kidding me? - Come on.
It'll be fun.
Where do you get that painting somebody's house is fun? What are you, Amish? Painting? That's what you came up with? Should I say I dropped by to see if I should keep Father's Day open? - I didn't take the test.
- Frannie, what? - I can't pee under pressure! - Okay.
I don't want my apartment painted.
- You wanna tell them? - No! - You got it? - Still looking.
- We should move the furniture.
- I got it.
- How are you doing? - I'm great.
- So you're not? - I don't know yet.
I'm just great, okay? This is just like when you were pregnant with Ryan.
- What is? - You're all moody.
Yeah, that's it.
- I'm having mood swings.
Know what? - What? I don't want my apartment painted anymore.
It's a whim.
I'm over it.
No.
You were right.
This will be good having the place painted, starting fresh.
You'll see.
- Since when do you paint apartments? - Since when don't I? My whole life, you never painted an apartment.
- I've never been asked.
- Please.
Look, Pauly Come here.
Come here.
I mentioned to Fran that I may need to pick up a few extra bucks.
That's all.
- For what? - I may have responsibilities now.
A kid on the way, maybe twins.
Ursula is having twins? You never know.
It runs in her family.
Her uncle did.
She was a little out of it today.
More than usual.
- Wait.
You saw her? - Yeah, we were in the restaurant.
- Pauly, did you say anything? - What am I, stupid? - We'll need sheets to cover this stuff.
- I got it.
Since when does Ira paint apartments? What do you mean? Since when doesn't he? You've known him your whole life.
Has he ever painted an apartment? Who knows.
Maybe he's never been asked.
- What do you mean? - He Come here.
- He needs the money.
- He has a job.
Yeah, well, he needs more money than that.
- For what? - Well, he's got debts.
- What kind of debts? - Gambling debts.
- He bet on the Patriots? - Exactly.
Right.
I tell him no.
What does he do? So now you know, okay? So just, shh.
You don't know.
- How much does he owe? - What? - How much? - A lot.
Too much.
Whatever.
With these guys, you need the money.
If you don't pay these guys your whole life you're looking over your shoulder for some guy in a trench coat.
They have guys with a trench coat carrying a chisel.
Oh, my God.
Poor Ira.
All right.
Now you know.
I told you.
You know everything.
You don't know, okay? Meanwhile, I don't see any streaks.
- I do.
- Show me streaks.
If Fran wants to have her apartment painted, let it be painted.
- I don't get it.
She's so moody.
- No, she's not moody.
- Then what is it? - Come here.
Come here.
What? She has to fix the place up.
- For what? - She's going to sell it.
You're kidding.
Wait a second.
She rents this place.
Right.
She's going to buy it.
- You just said she's going to sell it.
- She's going to buy it so she can sell it.
- Why? - For profit.
She's strapped for cash.
- Fran? - She's not working she's raising a kid, she hasn't seen Mark since filing for divorce.
Wow.
Poor Frannie.
- Don't say anything, okay? - You don't say anything to Ira.
Turns out I don't have that much paint left over.
- We should use a new color anyway.
- What's wrong with this color? You guys go buy paint, and we'll cover the furniture.
- You know what? I'm a little low on cash.
- So why don't we wait until next week.
- Great.
- You know what? Our treat.
- You're treating me to paint? - We'll treat, yeah.
Because you picked up lunch that time.
- What time? - Next time.
Whatever it is.
Come on.
Pauly, this is really my job.
- Why don't you guys hit the movies? - No, I want to help.
In fact - What is this? - For you.
I'll never mention it to anybody.
- Pauly.
- You need it.
- It would make me feel better, all right? - But l Well, if it would make you feel better, what the hell? Good.
Now I don't have to paint the apartment.
Well, we promised Fran.
No, she doesn't really need it.
She was just being nice to me.
Trust me, she needs it.
- Really? Why? - Just All right, look.
Don't tell my wife I told you but she has to sell the place quick.
- She does? - Yes.
Mark spent every dime left her with nothing.
- Jeez, this on top of everything else? - All right? - What do you mean? What else? - Nothing.
What you said.
Yeah.
You know.
- We're gonna need a ladder.
- I'll call downstairs.
- You mean him? - Him who? - Sergio.
- Oh, yeah, him.
I gather he's taking no responsibility for this.
None.
Want me to do it, or would it be awkward? I'll tell him what I think.
Yes, that would be too awkward.
You know what, James? I don't need to paint my apartment.
- Yes, you do.
- Why do that to Ira? - Why waste his time? - You're not wasting his time.
- He really wants to do this.
- Come on.
Why would Ira want to paint my apartment? All right, listen.
Don't tell Paul I told you, but Ira really needs the money right now.
For what? He's in a little bit of trouble with the Mob.
- How deep? - Deep.
- Deep, deep? - He owes money to bookies and loan sharks.
- Oh, my God! Poor Ira.
I know.
He's like a walking target.
Whoops.
I think I spilled some paint on one of your shirts.
Don't worry about it.
It's Mark's.
- Should we have used a primer? - By the time it bleeds through the place will be sold.
- Hey, you don't know that.
- What are you looking at? - That guy in the black coat.
See? He hasn't moved in about 10 minutes.
You don't think he's waiting for Ira, do you? I hear they do that.
Come away from the window.
Honey? There's a guy in a trench coat.
He might be carrying a chisel.
You're not supposed to know about that.
- Did you pee yet? - I'm trying.
I'll go run the faucet.
Maybe that will help.
Ira, listen - What? - Man, I don't even know anymore.
- Hi, is Mrs.
Devanow in? - I'll take it.
Thanks.
Listen, if you need something else I think you've done quite enough.
- Get away from the window! - I'm going.
I'm going.
Because you're blocking the view.
What is wrong with you? Did you say anything to her? - No.
Did you say anything to him? - No.
Man, they are acting really strange.
- Did you say anything? - No.
Did you? - No.
- Good.
I don't want you to worry.
You got enough on your mind.
- So do you.
- No, I'm fine.
- Let me write you a check.
- What for? - For painting.
- Don't be silly.
I'm enjoying myself.
- In fact, let me give you some cash.
- Stop it! - Oh, God.
- What's wrong? Nothing.
Cramps.
- I'm getting cramps! - Yes! Excuse me.
What was that? I don't know.
I'm never that excited when you get cramps.
Neither am I.
Oh, my God! - It was Fran? - Ira? - You knew? - You knew? - I can't believe you lied to me.
- You lied to me.
I lied to you? Good.
So we're even now.
- Oh, my God.
- What? I was so rude to Sergio.
Forget Sergio.
I gave Ira 200 bucks.
- For what? - Apparently for shtuping Fran.
- How stupid are we? - This stupid.
Hand me a roller.
- She doesn't want the place painted.
- You're not supposed to know that.
You guys told me we weren't doing the show this week.
We're not.
We're just painting the set.
- What for? - Because we're selling it.
- Why? - We need the money.
- What for? - Paul owes money to the Mob.
- Really? - Yep.
You want to help us? I'd like to, but I just had thumb surgery.