Parks and Recreation s02e14 Episode Script

And it's because of you, our teachers, that every one of these recreation classes in this catalog shines like a jewel in Pawnee's beautiful crown.
Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, this year we will have to remove five jewels from that crown.
Excuse me? Are you cutting our classes? Yeah.
The city took away $1,000 from our budget.
So, I'm very sorry.
How will you decide which classes to cut? By attendance and student evaluations.
So, just make sure your students leave with a smile.
My class is called "Coping with Terminal Illness.
" Hopefully your attendance is good! Actually, no, hopefully it's bad.
Nobody's more upset about this than me.
I've been taking these rec center classes since I was in high school.
It's where I learned hair braiding, and how to make biscuits, and French kissing.
The French kissing was just from a boy in my biscuits class, but either way, lesson learned.
Oh, my God! You have never been to Carnival? I want to go! We have to get tickets in February to go to Rio de Janeiro, Leslie Knope.
Okay.
I am on a date with Justin in Indianapolis.
We've only been out a few times, but every one of them has been amazing.
Cheers.
Last time, we had a private tour and cocktails at the Indianapolis Aquarium.
That fish over there kind of reminds me of my mom.
Why? It's just being really withholding.
Justin is definitely the most interesting guy I've ever dated.
All I did was a little paperwork.
He's being modest, it is thanks to him my family remains in this country.
And it was all pro bono.
Oh, Justin.
You've got to try this.
Oh, that's really good! Isn't it great? It's camel stomach.
Is it? I'm teasing, I'm teasing.
It's chicken.
Would you like to try the camel stomach? No.
This is me.
So, when am I gonna see you again? Oh! You know what, I'm gonna be near Pawnee on Tuesday.
Excellent, yeah.
I'll plan something exciting.
In fact, our date in Pawnee is gonna blow Indianapolis out of the water.
All right.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
Good! You better.
I will! I've racked my brain and I can't come up with one exciting idea.
I mean, he once ate fried cockatoo with a member of the Thai Royal Family.
Well, maybe just have him over and cook him some chicken and tell him it's Pawnee cockatoo.
A dinner party! That's genius.
I'll invite all my most interesting friends over, we'll have this big rambling party.
No, I actually meant more like a one-on-one thing.
I know what you meant, but I took your idea and I made it better.
It's called a think tank, Ann.
What is? Our lunches.
Our lunches are like think tanks.
Okay, I want you to come over to my house at 2:00 and help me get ready.
And make sure that Mark is coming.
So much work to do! You're my best friend.
Now, get out of here! How many courses will there be? Three.
Hmm Four.
Not including dessert.
So, five courses.
Yes.
Now, it will be five courses.
If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space? Just be there at 8:00.
Oh, hey, Tom! I'm having an A- list dinner party for Justin.
And you, out of all my friends, come from the most distant and exotic land.
South Carolina? Save it for the party.
Can you make it? For Justin? Are you kidding? I'm there.
Just don't invite any boring people like Jerry.
What are you guys talking about? Nothing.
Don't worry about it.
What? Leslie.
Hey! Hey! Check it out.
Just practicing.
Isn't that polish gonna get on people's butts when they sit down? No.
Okay, listen.
I'm having a party Mmm-hmm.
And I thought maybe you could help me with serving and taking people's coats.
I'd pay you, like, 10 bucks an hour.
My guardian angel! I would love to! Who's going to be there? Really fun people.
Ron, Tom, Mark and Ann.
That's great.
What's the occasion? Justin is coming into town.
Hey, it's me, Justin.
Take my coat.
But please, be careful.
I got it from the king of Africa when we were walking on the Berlin Wall together.
Really, Justin? What instruments do you play? Actually, he's a pretty sick keyboardist.
Good.
I'm good to go.
That sounds great.
Great.
All right.
I'll see you there.
Afternoon, Andy.
Hi, Kyle.
You know, right before you sat down, I noticed, did you have some kind of stain on your ass, or something? What was that? What? No, no, no.
You're good.
Hey, Ann.
Hey! Welcome to my house, for the very first time.
I know! I can't believe you've never had me over.
Now, I can believe it.
I know, I know.
It's a little messy.
But I have a system.
So, I just need you to help me put the finishing touches on everything.
This newspaper's from November, 1986.
Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out! I think I need to call Child Services and have Leslie taken away from herself.
Leslie, don't take this the wrong way, but your house is like a crazy person's garage.
What do you need this birdhouse for? Can we get rid of it? I might need it.
What about this one? Well, if two birds come along? Leslie.
Andy's gonna come over soon, he can help us with all this stuff.
Andy? No.
No, no, no.
You need a team of professionals to help.
I have an idea.
Hi, is this Maria Portlesman from "Organize Your Life, with Maria Portlesman"? April, come here.
What? Shake my hand.
Why? I can't tell if I've exfoliated too much.
I don't want to creep Justin out.
I want him to respect my handshake.
Why do you care about him? Justin is hip.
Pawnee is the opposite of hip.
People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana.
I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.
Hey, Justin.
Ew! It's like touching raw chicken.
Damn it.
Gonna have to re-foliate them.
I'll need some help moving the boxes, but it's doable.
Oh, thank God.
How much do I owe you? Please.
No charge.
I just appreciate the chance to demonstrate how valuable my class is to the rec center.
And I hope you'll keep that in mind.
Oh! No, no, I insist on paying.
No, no, I insist on demonstrating.
This is not gonna affect my decision at all.
Oh, of course not.
Stop winking.
Hey, Leslie, I forgot to ask you.
What are you cooking? Five courses.
Of what? Huh? Of what? Oh, God.
So, how's it looking? It smells great.
Okay, the appetizers are almost ready.
And I think that they are a very good sampling of what my level one class does, which I hope you'll keep in mind when you're making your decisions.
Tania, like I said over the phone I know.
It won't influence your decision.
It's just that learning to cook is very important in this day and age.
Is it? Hey, Andy.
Hey! Are you gonna be all right, tonight? What, 'cause of Mark and Justin? They are just guests at a really awesome dinner party.
And I will treat them as such.
That sounds very professional.
Thank you.
I promise I will not spit in anyone's food, unless they should request that I do.
Good.
Did I do this right? I don't know.
Hey, Mark.
Hey.
Welcome to my humble abode.
Well, thank you.
Whoa! This is way cleaner than the last time I was here.
You've been here? Right.
When was Mark here before? Oh! Sex.
I can't wait to talk to Justin again.
Last time he told me about how he snorkeled with whale sharks in Madagascar.
That was after I told him that I sometimes go swimming at the Y.
Oh, thank you, son.
Leslie Knope.
I believe you've arranged accommodations for these.
Yes, I have.
Hey, Ron Swanson.
You didn't happen to hear about the incident with Mayor Gunderson's dog, did you? Oh, my God.
It was a blood bath No, no, no! No talking.
Everybody stop talking until Justin gets here.
Don't use up your stories.
Well, I think somebody from Animal Services is gonna get canned.
Oh, my God.
What part of not talking do you not understand? Please, have a good time and shut your mouth.
I just want this dinner party to go well.
There are very few things I've asked for in this world.
To build a new park from scratch.
To eventually become president.
And to one day solve a murder on a train.
I think it's fair to add this to the list.
Guys, Justin's here! That's Justin.
Everybody start talking.
Hey! Hey.
Hi.
Sorry I'm a little bit late.
That's okay.
Welcome to my very interesting party.
Andy Dwyer! Can't wait to catch up with this guy.
All right, Justin.
May I take your coat, sir? Why, yeah.
Thank you.
I can't wait, I'm gonna get to hang out with all your friends tonight.
I know, it's gonna be super fun.
It's gonna be a blast.
Really, really, just like the best, most exciting night of your life.
I cannot over-hype it enough.
All right.
Let's get started! Okay! Good.
Yeah.
What's up, J? How you doing, man? How are you? Justin.
I have the swine flu.
Oh No, she doesn't.
Yo.
Yo.
Is that Justin's coat? Oh, yeah.
Isn't it awesome? He got it in Cambodia, when he was hiking Mount Everest.
Let's put chewed up gum in his pockets.
That's genius.
But I can't.
Leslie's being super cool to me, and I can't screw over her boyfriend's jacket.
I'll do it when you're not in the room then.
That would be terrible.
I'm being sarcastic.
That would be awesome.
God, India is so amazing.
Let me tell you something.
That is my absolute favorite place to travel.
Where did you say your parents were from? The south part.
The southern part's always the best part of anything.
Have you ever been to the Kaniman Mosque, down in Tamil Nadu? Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place.
I've prayed there.
It's sick.
Tell me everything, right now.
One sec, I just got to hit the loo, as those bastard British lmperialists would say.
The last time I was in India, I was eight years old and I stayed inside the whole time playing video games.
I got to bone up.
Fourth largest coal reserves in the world.
This is the best Old Fashioned I have ever had.
Where'd you find this bartender? Oh I think I don't know.
Like, maybe the Yellow Pages.
There's no way that you're paying him enough.
Well, if you want, I could teach you the secret to great Leslie.
Ann, get over here! I'm here.
Already.
Good.
Okay, do you think this party's going well? I mean, can you see Justin? Is he having fun? Justin is over there talking to Mark.
Happily.
Okay, good.
Yeah, good.
I'm just gonna casually make my So my face is literally on fire, but it's this weird chemical, so no one can see the flames.
I'm dancing around, freaking out.
I end up having to dunk my face into a bucket of sand.
Unreal! Unreal! Oh, my God, that is unbelievable.
Oh, my God, that's Isn't it, Ann? Unbelievable.
Didn't happen to me.
It was a kid I knew from camp.
But a great story's a great story.
Well, plus, the kid can't tell it, his mouth melted.
Dinner is served! Oh! Excellent! Hey.
I'm sorry.
Are we late? What the hell are you doing? How could you invite Wendy when Ron's here? He's gonna wrap her up in his moustache and take her home.
We agreed that we should invite interesting people for Justin, and Wendy is an interesting person! I've been telling you for weeks that you should tell her how you feel.
Now's your chance! Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
No, it doesn't! Not cool, at all! He'll get over it.
No, I won't.
The first course is a Mexican bean soup.
Are these peppers for consuming? I wouldn't.
They're very hot.
I'm gonna give it a try.
Hot.
You're very brave.
Please, that was one of the tiny ones.
This is how you eat it! Don't do that, Tom! This is something, Justin.
Derek and Ben are gay, but often, on occasion, April will have relations with Derek.
Right? Crazy stuff.
Discuss that.
There's not much more to discuss.
You kind of explained it all.
Who else is gay? Tom, I need your help.
There was a lull.
I saw Justin yawn.
Please tell me that yawning is a sign of excitement in India or something.
Tom, focus! God, you're no help.
Yes, just to be clear, this will in no way influence me.
It won't affect my decision.
And it has no bearing on the future of your class.
Hey, little buddy! Everything okay? That took a long time.
Poor Tommy.
He has a very frail colon.
I feel your pain, brother.
The hottest thing I ever put into my mouth was in this remote village in Southern Brazil.
This sounds good.
Yeah.
They take a little bit of scorpion poison and they serve I wonder who that is.
Who could that be? More people? A belly dancer? What? It's weird, but she just showed up.
I mean, I'm not the kind of person that's gonna throw someone out, or, you know, not let them in if they randomly show up.
I don't know how they all got here.
You know, people hear about a killer party at Knope's house, they all come running.
You don't do origami every day, do ya? They brought in a little entertainment, thank God.
That Justin, he's so boring.
What are you talking about? He's incredible.
Yeah.
He's not gay, but if he were, I would totally break up with Ben for him.
Yeah, I would understand.
He's amazing, right, April? Right, April? Don't we love him? Yeah.
He's actually kind of awesome.
You're underage.
I could lose my liquor license, I'm sorry.
Andy.
Hey.
Are you having fun? All I can say is, this is not what I was expecting.
I cannot believe there's more.
There's not.
Miss Knopes, I understand that you're currently evaluating the rec center teachers.
You're doing what, Leslie? I demand an evaluation.
Okay.
What course do you teach? When it comes to choosing accounting software, there's no accounting for taste.
The advantage of QuickBooks Pro is that it's easy to assemble a list of vendors Well, this is great.
I'm heading home, so as not to have to be here anymore.
My office, first thing tomorrow.
Yeah, I think we're probably gonna take off, too.
The demonstration takes another 45 minutes.
Yeah, guys, please.
Everybody, can you just stay? Okay? Justin, would you Oh, my God.
I promise you, Miss Knope, this disciplinary committee will go over every detail of what happened last night.
And we will determine whether you are guilty of abusing your power.
Do you have anything to say before we begin? Just that I am looking forward to the truth coming out.
I would like to say that Leslie is incapable of using people for her own gain.
Thank you, Tom.
But I can't, because Leslie loves using people for her own gain.
If I may, Phil, I'd like to say something to Tom on the record.
This has all been on the record.
I'm very sorry that I invited Wendy to the party.
Is Wendy one of the teachers? No, she's my soon-to-be ex-wife.
And hopefully-then-to-be future-wife.
Look, I'm really sorry.
I put a new romance in front of an old friendship.
Okay.
I put a beautiful man in front of an adorable man-child.
You're ruining it.
I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony.
Totally uncalled for.
Ron Swanson will be next.
When it comes to government hearings, the only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one.
That's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question.
Were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers? Would I have stayed if I knew that? I don't know, would you have? Would you have? No.
I wouldn't have.
Did you hear Leslie make any promises? What constitutes a promise? A quid pro quo.
Oh! Do you know Latin? Okay.
Thank you, Ron.
Are we done? Can I get a shine? Oh.
No.
I'm sorry.
We're closed, due to betrayment.
Well, I'm sorry.
But I don't know what you're talking about.
Why don't you ask your new best friend, whose name is Justin.
Justin? Yes.
I would.
But he's probably too busy cleaning gum out of his coat pockets.
Wow.
Unbetrayed.
So, you don't work for the government and you had no idea that these people were teachers from the local rec center? No.
I was simply attending a dinner party at my friend's house.
Why is he here, Miss Knope? That will become clear.
Mr.
Anderson, could you please describe that evening? Well, I had a very pleasant time.
And from my perspective, there was no abuse of power with respect to Miss Knope and any of her various guests.
Could you define pleasant? Did you have a good time? Did you have a great time? Be specific, and do remember that you're under oath.
I had an amazing time.
But you fell asleep.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
You know, look, I'd been given a case the night before, so I had to stay up all night working on it and I didn't want to cancel.
You should've told me.
I would've rescheduled.
Are you kidding me? I was looking forward to it.
I had an awesome time which had nothing to do with the rec center teachers.
No further questions.
Okay.
We're going to take a break, and we'll let you know what we decide in about an hour.
Great.
I will see you later.
I'm in the middle of official business, so I can't talk about it right now.
Okay.
Okay.
But, yes, yes, you will.
So, did you get that? He said amazing and awesome.
So, I'm gonna drive up and see him next weekend.
There's some Kabuki theater festival happening.
Great.
You're so relaxed.
You're not freaking out about this at all? Okay, Leslie.
We've reached our decision.
We're not going to take any further action at this time.
Thank you.
It really helped that you asked for this hearing yourself.
And that you made financial restitution out of your own pocket.
But I think we both know you skirted a line here.
You turned yourself in? Why? Well, I did something wrong, and I felt bad.
So, this morning I donated $1,000 to the rec center, so everybody could keep teaching their classes.
Okay, so why did you ask for the hearing? Are you kidding, Ann? It's every girl's dream to ask a dude how their date went under penalty of perjury.
I'm not proud of my actions.
But the most important thing is, there is now an official government document that proves my dinner party kicked ass.
Tommy Hav.
J Train! What's up, brother? This might be none of my business, but you need to ask Wendy out.
For reals, this time.
Did Leslie tell you No.
She didn't need to.
I saw it.
I'm not gay, but you're the most incredible man I've ever met.
That doesn't sound gay at all.
See you around.
Take care.
Bye, brother.
You sure you don't want to come hang out for a minute?