Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e14 Episode Script

? Lone Ranger masks? - Two dozen.
Vulcan ears? - Two dozen.
Dracula teeth? - Two dozen.
All right.
Put them back.
How many Vulcan ears? - Two dozen.
Balki, I just can't concentrate.
Jennifer's getting back today.
Do you think I should have called her in Rome? I mean, I don't wanna be pushy but maybe she's waiting for me to make the first move.
I I just don't understand exactly what our relationship is.
Well Nancy and I have a wonderful relationship.
Very sensitive.
I'm I'm trying to share a personal problem here and you're being silly.
- No.
Aren't you? - No.
L Aren't you? Yes, I am.
How am I going to find out how she feels about me? Cousin, here's a shot in the dark.
Why don't you ask her? Just ask her? Balki, Balki, Balki.
You have to read women.
You have to interpret the subtle nuances of what they say or don't say.
The way they look at you or don't look at you.
The way they touch you or, as in my case don't touch you.
Boy, life is hard work for you.
Cousin, why don't we just have Mary Ann and Jennifer over for dinner tonight and Mary Ann and I can eat and you and Jennifer can read each other.
I'll have to give that some thought.
Hi, guys.
- Hello.
How was your flight? Great.
- It was great.
Thanks for the travel alarm, Larry.
- Oh, any time, Jennifer.
Working those flights to Rome really play tricks on your mind.
Is it Friday or Saturday? It's Friday.
- I told you.
I wanted a second opinion, okay? Hey, why don't you come over to our house for dinner tonight? You can relax and shake off your jet slag.
That sounds great.
We'd love to.
Are you sure it isn't too much trouble? - Of course not, is it, cousin? Oh, trouble? No, no.
We'll just throw something together.
We'll uncork some vino, kick back, relax it'll be very mellow.
Great.
Come on, we need to get up to the apartment.
I may have left the gas on.
Mary Ann.
If you left the gas on, the building wouldn't be here.
Well, that's good news.
Ciao.
Why did you do that? Do what? - Ask the giris to dinner tonight.
I just did.
Yes, why? Oh.
Oh, why did I ask the giris to dinner tonight? Why? - Why not? You just don't get it, do you? BALKl: Cousin, what you doing? - Closing early.
We have a lot to do and not enough time to do it.
But, cousin, it would be just like you said.
We'll relax, do some kickbacks, we'll be marshmallows.
What the big deal is? Look, I'll tell you what the big deal is No wonder parents in Mypos have to buy wives for their sons.
Balki, Jennifer is a sophisticated woman.
She's been in every airport in the worid.
If I'm gonna impress her, I have to have the right food, wine, lighting.
This evening has got to be very carefully orchestrated.
Cousin, you are taking this too seriously.
You're going to get simple nervous tensión.
Did you know you're getting on my nerves? I have to plan what could be the most important dinner of my life and I've only got three hours.
Don't worry, I can help.
- Oh, I think you've helped enough.
But I want to help cook.
- No.
I want to help cook.
- No, you can't help cook.
I want to help cook.
- Oh.
All right, all right.
You can help cook.
Okay.
- Look.
You get the stuff for the appetizers and the salad.
What else? - Just the appetizers and the salad.
While you're doing that, I'll go to the butcher.
Let's go.
I shouldn't have used a new cologne.
I should have stuck with Old Spice, it's safe.
Well, what do you think? - About what? No, I mean, how do I look? You look like you just stepped off the cover of IQ.
GQ.
- You're welcome.
What about me? You think Mary Ann will like this outfit? - Yeah, sure.
You don't think I'm overdressed, do you? Well, of course not.
Well, I don't wanna make the giris uncomfortable.
What if they dress casual? Then you look like a big jerk.
Maybe the jacket is too much.
She'll think I'm trying too hard.
- She'll be right.
These aren't the carrots.
Well, of course not.
They're wild olives.
What are wild olives doing here? - Well, they're just lying there.
Marinating.
They're for the salad.
Come, I show you.
This is the salad? I can't help but notice, there's no lettuce in there.
Well, you said we should impress the giris, so I thought: Leaves? That's not very impressive.
So I decided to make mama's special salad.
Wild olives, ginkgo root, mustard curd, onions and a dash of liver oil to keep the ginkgo root down.
You didn't get the lettuce, did you? - No, I didn't.
It was on my list, and bean and curd things were not.
Well, pardon me for saying so but your list was boring.
My list was food.
Yes, but not fun food.
And that's why Balki made a few things to spice the menu up.
Just how spicy are we getting? BALKl: Well I thought we'd treat ourselves to that old standard ding ding moch mood.
You know it as pig snout with saffron.
And then I thought we'd go to the traditional Mypos courtship dish baa baa meeche.
Eel wrapped in grape leaves.
I was going to surprise you, but you forced me.
Balki, think.
Two giris that we like and desire are coming to dinner.
What possible advantage can be gained from poisoning them? Oh, cousin these are the staples of the Myposian diet.
They make me into the big strong man I am today.
I don't want Jennifer to be a big strong man.
I want her to like me.
I want her to be impressed.
I want her to survive long enough to bear my children.
Therefore, this food is out.
Well, Mary Ann is my date and I want her to try it.
All right, all right, all right.
Look, I'll tell you what we'll have my dinner tonight, we'll save yours for another occasión.
Say, when the Cubs win the Worid Series.
What do you take me for, Bozo the Clown? Everybody knows the Cubs have no quarterback.
Why are you getting all puffed out of shape? I am not getting puffed out of shape.
Balki, how many times have you served dinner to two beautiful women? How many? How many? How many times? How many times have you served dinner to two beautiful women? Three.
In America? - None.
None, as in zero? As in never, as in no times, never ever Look, I know what I'm doing.
Let's go with my plans so I can save this evening.
But I went through so much trouble.
I had to find gingko root and pig snout.
They make fun of me at the market.
They said, "Price check on pig snouts.
" And now you won't let me serve it.
You're squeezing all the fun out of this date.
Balki, I am squeezing all the fun out of this date for a very good reason.
A casual dinner is nothing to be taken lightly.
What's that smell? My duck is burnt.
Ow! Hot, take it, take it.
Why is the oven turned to 500 degrees? That's the temperature I need for my sheepherder's bread.
Where did sheepherder's bread come from? Well, I think its origins are a little island I don't care where it came from.
- Well, why did you ask? Look at my duck.
It's drying out even as we speak.
How am I gonna serve this? Well, how about with two little white hats on the feet? Cousin, cheer up.
I made enough ding ding mach mood for a whole village.
Balki.
I am not letting you serve that food.
- Maybe you can stop me.
Oh, well, maybe I can.
Give me the ding ding mach mood.
- No.
Give me the ding ding mach mood.
- No.
Give me the ding ding mach mood.
- Ha! The giris.
- The giris.
All right, look, let's put aside our petty little differences and your food and try to get through this thing.
I'm not the one with the problem, you are.
Yes, I'm the one with the problem and you're it.
I'm just trying to show a lady a good time.
- Me too.
Well, fine, have a good time.
- Oh, have a good time.
Have a ball.
- Knock yourself out.
Have a wonderful time.
- Have a wonderful time.
Hi.
- Hi.
Thank you, Balki.
This is just like one of those fancy restaurants.
May I? - May you what? Dinner is served.
Did I mention how lovely you look? Yes, you did.
What are we having? Glazed carrots, wild rice and my specialty, duck a I'orange.
The best things aren't even on the table.
There's more? Yes, well, Balki thought there might not be enough, so he cooked too but as you can see I think there's plenty for everybody.
Just dig in.
Darned dull knives.
I told you to get these sharpened.
- I'll get them sharpened.
Why is the rice all clumped together? Well, giris, you're in luck because silly Balki has food in the kitchen.
Keep eating, keep eating.
Enjoy, enjoy.
Balki, you are not serving them that That That stuff.
Why don't we ask them if they want to try that? That? That stuff? Who would like to try Myposian food? I would.
- Sounds great.
I've never had Myposian food before.
This is exciting.
This looks interesting.
This looks incredible.
Balki, what do you call this? Ding ding moch mood.
Oh, well, what does that mean? Pig snout with saffron.
Excuse us.
I hope you're happy.
You're making me look bad.
You were doing that yourself.
This wouldn't have happened if you followed my instructions but, no, you had to be creative.
You had the wonderful idea to serve the giris pig pucks.
You're just jealous because I need a chainsaw to cut your duck.
Well, in case you haven't noticed, they're not exactly scarfing up the snout.
It's an acquired taste.
Maybe this isn't a good time for us to be here.
Why, because Balki is acting like a 5-year-old? Me? You're the one that's acting like a yak's behind.
A yak's behind? - Yes, a big fat one.
Balki, Larry, stop.
Do you have any ketchup? Come on, Mary Ann, I think we'd better go.
Oh, is dinner over? No, no, don't go, don't go.
We'll be good.
- No, no, you have to stay.
We have pie.
Oh.
- I know it's good, I didn't make it.
You guys have to work this thing out, whatever it is.
Arguments happen between roommates.
Believe me, I understand.
Mary Ann and I get on each other's nerves sometimes.
Like when? Like when she spends three hours in the bathroom putting on her makeup.
Oh, yeah.
She hates when I do that.
And I hate when she rearranges my closet without asking me.
Well, I wouldn't have to if you'd keep your things in order.
Well, everyone has their own way of doing things.
Maybe the way I keep my things is my business.
Good point.
That's a very good point.
Fine.
I won't touch your things.
Don't come begging me to borrow a uniform because you didn't realize yours were at the cleaners.
Well, here's to good friends.
Once I borrowed your uniform and got a spot on it and you never let me forget it.
Maybe if you were more careful on the job, you wouldn't have spilled anything.
So now you're going to tell me how to do my job? Who wants pie? Well, somebody should tell you how to do your job.
While I'm trying to make the flight a safe and pleasant experience you're serving drinks, singing, "Belly Up To The Bar, Boys.
" Jennifer - Well, excuse me for being nice to the passengers.
At least when we're landing I don't tell them: "Return your seat to the upright position or I'll call the authorities.
" Those are the rules.
You were a pain in high school and you're a pain now.
Everything has to be perfect.
Perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect manners.
It's like living with a Barbie doll.
Now I'm mad.
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Mary Ann, Jennifer you shouldn't talk to each other like that.
You're friends.
Look, this is all my fault and I'm sorry.
I burnt the duck, the rice stuck together, nothing worked.
Cousin, you're not helping.
Sorry.
Shame on you.
How long have you known each other? - Too long.
How long? - Since we were 8 years old.
And now you want to throw your friendship away because you think she's too perfect and you think she's not perfect enough.
Mary Ann, tell Jennifer that you're sorry and if it's really that important to her you'll try to be a little more organized.
I'm sorry.
Perhaps I am a little messy.
Jennifer, tell Mary Ann you're sorry and that you'll try to take things a little less seriously.
I'm sorry, sometimes I get all worked up over things that aren't very important but that Barbie doll line really hurt.
I'm sorry.
Now hug each other.
Like you mean it.
I'm sorry, Mary Ann.
- Oh, me too.
Now hug me.
Like you mean it.
Yes, well, now that we have that settled why don't we get back to dinner? Well, who are we kidding, all those in favor of ordering pizza? Might as well.
My ding dings cold.
You really have to leave? It's only 1:00.
I'm exhausted.
We're still on Rome time.
To us, it's 7:00 in the morning.
Goodnight, Balki.
I had a nice time.
I'm really glad I got to know you better.
Let's go, Mary Ann.
Goodnight.
Did you hear that? She knows me better.
Better than what? - Let's not analyze it.
I just wanna enjoy the moment.
Well, it was really rough going.
If we hadn't been there, they'd still be fighting.
Yes, but if we hadn't have been there they probably wouldn't have fought at all.
Well, you know, I didn't know that Jennifer could be that way.
What way? - So nitpicky.
I mean, I know Mary Ann's no rocket scientist but Jennifer shouldn't be so hard on her.
Well, I had no idea Mary Ann could be that way.
What way? Cousin, the wires up here don't connect.
I mean, Jennifer is a little crazy about being neat but Mary Ann was pretty hard on her.
It must be difficult for them to live together when they're so different.
Well, if they're gonna stay best friends and still live together they're gonna have to learn to compromise.
Good friends are hard to come by.
- Yeah.
Mary Ann could be a little more organized.
Yeah, and Jennifer could loosen up a bit.
I'm sorry I made fun of your food.
- It's okay.
I'm sorry I invited guests without asking you.
It's okay.
If I had to wait to get up the nerve, think how tense I'd be.
That's a scary thought.
Well, I guess I can throw this out.
- No, don't throw that out.
I'm gonna freeze the ding ding mach mood.
Why? - You haven't lived until you've had snout on a stick.