Reno 911! (2003) s02e14 Episode Script

( junior ) well, we're testing out the new bulletproof vests They sent us.
It's supposed to stand up to a .
357 magnum, .
50-caliber, So officer johnson's got a .
357 magnum, .
50-caliber.
All right.
Freeze, scumbag ! ( booming shot ) This can't be good, can it ? ( junior ) no.
( johnson ) no.
That can't be good.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren wailing ) ( dangle ) well, it has finally happened.
After dozens and dozens of complaints from citizens And your fellow deputies, The department of internal affairs Is sending a disciplinary auditor To spend the next two weeks with us.
He'll be with us on the job, in the cars, in the break room.
He'll be looking for incidents of racism, sexual harassment, Insensitivity to the differently-abled.
Please, mind your "p's" and "q's" And obey the sheriff's department code of conduct.
Please, people.
Aah ! ( johnson ) oh, shit.
( laughing ) Nice one, dangle.
( jones ) who did this ? Come on.
Did you do that ? Did you do that ? If I have bad dreams Hey ! Suspended, suspended, suspended, suspended Suspended ! ( dangle ) welcome back.
How was palm springs ? Not like it used to be.
Oh, so, tonight, we are running that sting operation, Cutting down on the illegal sex-slave trade.
Do you know where she's coming in from ? Do we know ? Did they give you any hints on the internet, there ? "made in china," all it says.
You think ? Mmm.
Great.
Dress warm if you're coming on the sex-slave sting.
It's supposed to be a crisp night.
Looks perfectly plausible out there.
♪ mama, I was gonna marry ♪ Looks like a lonely fella, Hankering for a mail-order bride.
( johnson ) check out this bio here.
It says he's an occasional drinker.
She's actually gonna get her freedom back tonight, Thanks to the reno sheriff's department, so Here we go.
Bingo.
A little action, here.
Here she is.
Oh, look at her ! Look at that thing.
She's just a scared little puppy.
How you doing ? How are you ? You have to sign this on first.
( dangle ) looks like he's signing some sort of bill of lading.
Cashier's check.
( garcia ) that's it ! Sheriff's department ! Freeze, freeze ! Up against the vehicle, right now ! Right now, up against the vehicle ! You have a right to an attorney during questioning.
Do you understand the rights as I've ( dangle ) travis.
Yes, sir.
This is an actual marriage license here.
Your home ? If that was notarized, you'd be married.
They are married, legally.
You're a notary ? Notary.
We're legally married ? Yep.
( man ) congratulations.
We're married.
Me, you-- married, married.
( speaking in native language ) No, no bullshit, we're married.
No bullshit, no.
( speaking in native language ) Opa ! ( dangle ) okay.
( garcia ) well, sir, your friend says you shot him with an arrow.
No, my friend opened a booby-trapped chest That had a magic missile booby trap Set by goblin sappers.
That is what hit him.
The booby trap which was you.
No, he was trying to show me That he could duck out of the way of an arrow Yeah, he's trying to explain, he's trying to explain And I had to show him that a longbow at close range With a magic missile enchantment on it-- There's no way to duck out of the way in-- So, you rolled an 18, and then what happened ? I rolled an 18, he failed his saving throw, And then the arrow got him Between where the greave and chausses meet.
Oh, where there's only the three points of protection.
For christ's sake, travis.
Come on ! I got 10 points of "I want to beat you with a stick" left, okay ? I got about You don't know anything about dungeons & dragons.
I live in a world of cold steel And dungeons and mighty foes.
I live in a world of dungeons, too.
The dungeon where we're taking you Is called the reno county jail.
How's that dungeon ? You're gonna like that dungeon.
There's a dragon there named nick the grip, And he's been feeling people up In their sleep all week, so In our, um No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sure you don't want to tell us Why you shot the fellow with the arrow ? I'm wearing boots of escaping ! I'm wearing boots of escaping ! ( shoots ) ( moaning in pain ) I will call down a mighty reckoning on you ! ( crying ) I am a demon god of conquest.
Well, I hope you got a magical potion for hot lead.
You're a very, very short demon of god of conquest, And you're exactly nick the grip's type.
Hey.
Oh, lord, look at this guy.
( laughing ) oh, man.
What is it, a thousand degrees today ? Whoo.
Wow, yeah.
( honking horn ) ( garcia on bullhorn ) hey, you dumb son of a bitch, fries come with that shake ? Hey, my man, four years of college, And this is where you're at, huh ? ( laughing ) Screw you, you stupid a-hole ! Hey, hey, you son of a bitch ! Hey, you come back here ! We got a runner.
We got a runner.
Hey, son of a bitch ! Being married is everything I thought it would be, Only maybe a little bit better.
Reno, nevada.
Hey, reno, nevada ! ♪ let's go, reno hoo-hoo-hoo ♪ Right.
Hey, you're learning, you're learning.
Like a little doll I won at the goddamn carnival.
( johnson ) focus on the mythic tarot.
The cards will tell you what you want to know.
And we've got the death card.
Ending our reading with the death card.
Yeah.
That-- that isn't a bad thing, necessarily, okay ? We'll do something else.
Horoscope.
When's your birthday, when's your birthday ? June 28th.
June 28th, which is cancer.
Cancer, the crab.
Are you crabby 'cause you got cancer ? Who's crabby 'cause they've got cancer, huh ? All right He's got an automatic shotgun.
Scared the hell out of the poor bartender.
Up against the wall over there.
Okay, on my count, ready ? Drop your weapon ! ( all shouting ) Drop your weapon ! ( slurring speech ) what's the occasion, what's the occasion ? Drop your weapon, sir ! Drop the weapon, sir ! I'll put it down, I'll put it down.
( dangle ) put the gun down, not the drink.
I'll put the drink down.
( johnson ) put the gun down.
Make up your mind ! We did.
You can pick the drink back up.
Put the gun down.
I'll put the drink back up.
Drink's okay.
Now, put the gun down ! I have a demand, I have a demand.
Okay, what are your demands ? I want a girlfriend.
( wiegel ) I'll be your girlfriend, sir.
Done.
( junior ) hell of a catch, sir.
And I want lots of candy.
( wiegel ) I have tons of candy.
We got some bar mints.
Bar mints.
Bar mints.
Bar mints.
( dangle ) hey.
( junior ) they taste like mints.
( dangle ) gun down now, gun down now All right, now, put the gun down.
My gun for your gun.
All right, we'll make a swap, we'll make a swap.
Fair.
A gun swap is Is Just be careful with it, there.
No, no, no All right.
There you go.
Now, put that gun down, okay ? This is a toy.
This ain't the real, uh ( gunshot ) Oh, shit ! Down, down, down ! Aah, get out ! Where's my drink ? You took my drink, you took my drink ! ( whirring helicopter ) ( man on radio ) tower, this is sb-2.
We've got a positive I.
D.
On that milk shake.
Garcia and jones are in pursuit.
( garcia ) hey, ho, slow down ! ( jones ) Freeze, freeze ! Oh, dear lord.
Oh, my god ! Stop ! Get up, sir ! Run ! Run ! They're killing him in there.
I got to call an e-m-t.
No, no.
It got to call an e-m-t.
Let's just let nature take its course.
Oh, man, sweet lord.
He's disfigured, he's got to be disfigured.
Holy, man.
Hey.
What the hell ? Hey, hey, hey ! Hey, you, son of a bitch ! Freeze ! Hey, freeze, sir ! ( screeching ) Hey.
( knocking ) Congratulations.
Can I shove this down here, maybe ? Ouch, ouch.
( all screaming ) ( scraping metal ) Parking brake, parking brake ( dangle ) I got it, I got it, I got it We're in park, and we're good.
Yeah.
Hey.
( garcia ) does she know karate ? ( junior ) oh, hell, yeah, she does.
( johnson ) break the table with your face.
Watch this.
A little kiss for the bride ( screaming in chinese ) Yeah ! Whoo ! Yeah, she's pretty good, right ? I'm gonna sit down, all right ? How about presents, why don't we do ? That's a good idea.
Do some presents.
I got you something, the two lovebirds.
From them.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
I made it, I made that.
It's-- the macaroni's still wet there.
You cooked this macaroni ? Yeah, well, you can't have it raw.
It'll kill you.
( williams ) all right, another gift.
Let's keep the party moving.
Huh ? A nail kit, huh ? So when everybody leave, You can hook me up and do my nails.
You're chinese.
Yeah, y'all do nails.
They make these in korea Don't throw-- ( speaking in native language ) ( wiegel ) it sounds, when they talk, It sounds like they're mad, like ( speaking gibberish ) ( garcia ) no, no, no Come on.
She knows english, too.
She's smart as a whip, right ? What's your pet name for me in english ? Cocku-sucker.
Cocksucker.
Yeah.
That's a good thing to learn.
It's different there.
Cocks are like two below monkey On the magic scale.
Dragon, dog, monkey, cock.
( wiegel ) and the king is the man who sucks the cock, So the cocksucker Is like the king of all cocksuckers.
Yeah, I think.
( johnson ) well, that's you, junior.
Yeah, yeah.
You are a cocksucker.
Son of a bitch ! Whoa ! Oh, okay, carl lewis ! Freeze ! Okay ! Oh, you want to go, huh ?! Freeze ! Oh, ah shit ! Son of a bitch ! No ! Hey, freeze ! No, no ! Son of a bitch Son of a bitch.
Hey, hey, hey ! Who is this guy ?! Unh ! What the fuck ?! Holy shit, holy shit ! Hey, hey, hey ! Oh, you think you're cool, huh ?! Let's go, come on ! Freeze ! Where are you at ?! How you doing today, sir ? Hey, thank god you're here.
Thank the good lord you came.
One of my falcons-- My prize falcon flew away.
I can't find him.
And maybe-- had you found him ? Did you find the falcon ? Well Not yet.
As you know, the falcon is like They're like a flying dog.
Let me just ask you a question.
The falcon leaves here, It goes and fetches and then brings something-- Whatever it fetches-- back ? Back here, back to the pad.
Okay, has he brought an eyeball back to the pad ? A what, an eyeball ? ( laughing ) I don't think so.
It's just that we have a homeless person In I-c-u right now, missing an eyeball.
What makes you think a falcon did it ? 'cause he screamed, "a falcon took my eyeball ! A falcon took my eyeball !" You know what he needs to do is to talk to me, And I can have him go through falcon trauma.
You know, of people who go through trauma Caused by falcons.
He probably is in a state of mind That's not conducive to health.
Well, I would say so, he don't have an eyeball.
How about we finish talking to you down at the station ? Okay, so, do I have my choice of seats or what ? The back.
There's one choice.
Only in the back.
( panting ) Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
( garcia ) steve, come on.
I give up.
Please.
( johnson ) you give ? I give.
All right, truce.
Truce, man.
Thank you.
Thank god.
( panting ) Shit, man, you're taking a pounding.
No, this thing's like a huge shock absorber.
I don't feel a thing, absolutely nothing, yeah.
You don't feel that ? No, nothing-- I mean, hit me.
Hit me like I just, y'know, insulted your mother Or something, like really hit me.
Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.
Yeah ! I didn't feel any of that.
Yeah, yeah.
Nothing, I don't feel any of that.
( hooting and hollering ) Yeah ! Yeah ! No, I didn't feel any of that.
Oh, man.
That's cool.
Yeah, that's cool.
That was awesome, man.
You need a ride ? Oh, no, no.
Y'know what, I just live right behind me.
You live right over here ? Yeah, right over there.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
All right, little buddy.
Well, take care, buddy.
Hey, be good, all right ? Oh ! Oh ! All right.
Hey, guys.
Hey, I think I might need that lift home.
I think I pulled my hamstring.
You need a ride ? You want a-- ( honking truck horn ) ( garcia ) oh, my god ! Oh, holy lord ! Shit ! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit ! Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck Go, go, go, go ! Go, go ! I just look forward to my retirement years Here at the old homestead And a bunch of little babies crawling around And learning to eat barbecue with chopsticks.
And it'll just be like home on the range.
And I'll be on little qua junior here Like white on rice.
♪ caribbean queen ♪ ♪ now we're sharing the same dream ♪ ♪ two hearts will beat as one ♪ Shit.
♪ No more love on the run ♪ I got nothing, how about you ? ( man on radio ) yeah, we got an a-p-b For a '72 ford wintergreen winnebago coachman.
License: Nevada-bravo- Oh, shit, that's me.
Oh, shit.
Go, go, go ! Officers, proceed with caution.
There is one angry tiny asian Behind the wheel of that coachman.
She's not angry, that's just the way they talk.
That's just the way the voice sounds.
No, yep, there she is.
Home, sweet home.
Wintergreen winnebago coachman.
We're in pursuit.
Oh, look at that-- nice piece of denim.
Don't do that, don't do that.
Those are my new boots.
That's a really nice boot back there.
I still got the other one.
( on car bullhorn ) oh, baby, now, come on, baby.
Let's talk it out.
( speaking in native language ) Cocksucker ! Oh, there goes the porn.
That's all porno ? Yeah, some of that was my dad's.
That stuff's irreplaceable.
Pull over, I'm gonna take care of business.
Oh, jesus.
Be careful ! He's going into a skylight.
Go around ! ( on bullhorn ) I don't know if your homeowner's insurance Covers you for this ! He's in, he's in, he's in, he's in, he's in.
Okay, we're good, this will be good.
Now, they're both reasonable people.
( screaming ) I'm backing up, I'm backing up, I'm backing up.
Shit.
Travis, travis ! Shit.
Oh, travis ! Are you alive ?! Shit.
Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
If you love something You just got to let it go sometimes.
Yeah.
You love that winnebago.
Yeah.
Tell you, you could pull yourself up By your bootstraps, And you and me could go and Get some jeans and porno off of this road here.
What do you say, huh ? Sounds good.
All right.
( wiegel ) so, I never saw that special.
Did geraldo find the guy in the tomb, or didn't he ? ( dangle ) no.
Hey, junior, what is that, a letter from qua ? What does it say ? How the fuck should I know ? You should probably take this To that restaurant "wok around the clock.
" Somebody over there could read that.
No, I don't want to be Eating any chinese anytime soon.
Hey, now, p'rnt was a good woman.
Qua.
Qua.
Qua.
And she was not a good woman.
She was a horrible woman.
Life goes on.
Cin-cin.
Greener pastures.
Guys, guys, tv, you guys, hey, tv.
( female reporter ) A candlelight vigil is being held For 31-year-old andy freeman, An aspiring magician who took a part-time job to pay rent Dressing as a delicious milk shake.
A delicious, now dead, milk shake.
Horrifying allegations have shocked washoe county today After the following homemade video footage Was released to the media.
This video contains acts of terrifying police brutality.
( grunting ) ( honking truck horn ) Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! ( reporter ) the identity of the deputies Responsible for these acts is still unknown.
There is no doubt that those responsible Will have to pay for their acts.
Reporting from route 395, This is maria storm, channel 10 news at 10:00.
It means a lot to myself and qua junior That y'all made it out.
Thank you.
I'm very, very appreciative.
( wiegel ) can you say your name again for us ? Your name ? ( speaking in native language ) Washing wren ( all ) washing wren, washing wren That's sounds a bit native american Washing wren.
Yeah, washing wren.
Washing wren junior.