Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e14 Episode Script

I've done it.
I'm on the verge of one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs in the history of mankind.
How incredible.
Are you gonna finish that toast? You know that formula I've been working on? - I've found the key ingredient.
- Liquorice? Don't be silly, Sabrina.
Liquorice won't cure allergies.
It's ostrich saliva.
The hard part is getting them to drool.
Let me see that.
Oh! Wow.
One drop of that and the whole kitchen is spotlessly clean.
I'll say.
The walls, the table, the counters-- - Salem.
- I'm blond.
My IQ just dropped 20 points.
Blond, blond, blond.
Dead.
See you.
What's all the flap? I got a postcard from Valerie.
She's really enjoying her trip to D.
C.
"Hi, everyone, I visited the Vietnam Memorial, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and J.
F.
K.
's grave.
This place is really fun.
" Sounds like a big loser town to me.
I have an important announcement to make.
The school will be entering a float in the town's Democracy Daze celebration.
Great, I get to hear my dad's Grenada story again.
Now, who would like to be in charge of putting the float together? Oh, my.
Well, I think this would be the perfect opportunity for the two of you to embody our democracy's two-party system and work together.
What? Libby.
I've got a great idea for the float.
I say we display some of our major headlines using recycled newspaper.
No, no, no.
The newspaper print would get all over the cheerleaders' uniforms.
Why would cheerleaders be on a float with a newspaper theme? They're always on the front page, duh.
What? Man, this house is so spotless and germ-free, Howard Hughes could live here.
Zelda, if we could market this stuff, we'd make a fortune.
Good luck.
The FDA will never approve of ostrich saliva.
Those pencil-pushing bureaucrats have ruined many a dream.
Well, we could still sell it in the Other Realm.
- What do you say, Zeldie? - No.
I made this formula to cure allergies and end suffering, not to whiten.
You ever cleaned a toilet? That's suffering.
Besides, you said it didn't even cure allergies.
Yet.
Medical breakthroughs take time.
Get off my back.
This is why Pasteur broke up with you.
He told me he had to work out stuff with his mother.
You gotta hand it to Zelda.
She's a pillar of integrity.
Yeah.
Let's steal her formula.
The school guidelines state that the float is required to have flowers.
- The rest of the design is up to me.
- Don't you mean "us"? Well, I'll be using "me" as shorthand for "us.
" I've already got the floral design in my head.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad your butt is working.
Oh, I'll be using "butt" as shorthand for "your head.
" The coast is clear.
Operation Find the Allergy Formula That Also Cleans, Don't Get Caught, And Make a Lot of Money is under way.
You start looking, and I'll start working on a shorter code name.
Ha-ha.
Aah! Harvey.
What are you doing under there? Souping up the engine.
This baby will be able to go 90 miles an hour.
But we're behind the World War II veterans.
Haven't they suffered enough? Perfect.
Libby, we agreed this would be my side.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I thought we wanted the float to look nice.
- Found it.
- Hallelujah.
What in the Other Realm's name is going on here? - Lost my wallet? - She's telling the truth, I swear.
And now that I've found it, Salem and I will just get back to work and clean up.
Are we ever gonna clean up.
Ha-ha.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Libby, leave my side alone.
Sorry, I will not allow the town to be subjected to this.
That's it, I can't take it anymore.
To keep us out of each other's faces Keep Libby away at least five paces And, Sab-- Ooh! [SHRIEKS.]
I said "cheerful" and you picked yellow? Me and my finger.
Now, that's teamwork.
- What are you doing here? - I'm the spell police.
The distance spell you put on Libby is illegal.
- Why? - Because you can't distance yourself from your problems.
- Really? Watch.
- Freeze.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cite you.
"If a distance spell is enacted, it will be reversed"? Huh? Instead of Libby staying away from you, you have to stay next to Libby.
- What? - And if you do happen to move more than five paces away, something terrible will happen.
Something that will scare you to the depths of your soul.
Say hi to Libby for me.
You're a disgrace to your badge! Ew.
You are so right.
Ha-ha.
You know, when I said "Ew" just now, I wasn't being rhetorical.
Aah Satisfied? You just scared off a cute guy with your freak pheromones.
Don't you dare look in my locker.
I wasn't.
My, uh, new locker's here.
[SHRIEKS.]
- Where are you going? - To cheerleading practise.
Ready, get lost.
Hey, you know, that would make a good story for the school paper: "A Day in the Life of a Cheerleader.
" But you despise cheerleaders.
And cheerleaders despise you.
You're afraid I'll write a puff piece.
Well, look, don't worry-- Here it comes.
This dungeon stone is white, but what would you call this one? - Bright.
- Exactly.
And that's why for the next 20 minutes, we'll be telling you how you can get your house this clean with new Scientist in a Drum.
And now here's Bruce Jenner to tell you more.
I don't believe it.
You marketed my formula.
And with a poorly produced informercial.
I'm taking this matter to the Other Realm copyright court.
[TOASTER DINGS.]
The toaster.
"Send me four bottles of Scientist in a Drum.
" "Send ten bottles.
Everything you've got.
" These are all orders for our cleanser from the Other Realm, after the first minute.
But I wanted this formula to be used for the common good.
We polled the common good.
They don't wanna be helped.
Come on, Zeldie, we need your help.
Well, I guess if surfaces are clean, that would mean a lot less dust, which could mean a lot less asthma.
Exactly.
You know, Mr.
Clean was this close to getting the Nobel Prize.
Come on.
What do you say? All right, I'll do it.
For mankind.
Okay, let's do it again.
Sabrina, if you insist on actually doing the cheers, you have to stop screaming, "Please let me die.
" Ready.
Okay.
Westbridge, Westbridge Wow, wow, wow Stronger, faster, holier than thou LIBBY: Whoo! Go Westbridge! - Harvey.
- Sabrina.
Cheerleading? - I lost a bet.
- Okay, you guys, go take a break.
You can get a drink of water and think about how you can be more like me.
You wanna go to the Slicery and grab a bite? I'd love to.
But I promised Libby I'd sit alarmingly close to her.
Why have you decided to become my shadow all of a sudden? Well, I figured since we're gonna be working together, you know, maybe we could find a common ground.
Any ground I found with you would indeed be common.
Ha-ha.
Ha.
You know, um, wait.
I'm just trying to get to know you better.
Well, I'm popular, confident, nonfreakish: everything you're not.
And if you insist on traipsing after me, could you at least wear a higher-quality perfume? Okay, enough.
Nothing is worth this.
I don't care what happens to me.
Libby.
Oh, no.
I turned her into a puzzle.
"For ages 3 and up"? - What's that? - I didn't do anything.
Oh I never knew working with numbers could be so sensual.
- Water.
Must have water.
- Well, make it quick.
We need you back in that lab, making lots more of this stuff.
Come on, chop, chop.
Excuse me, but since I invented the product, maybe I should be running the business.
You seem to assume that you're in charge.
If you wanna do everything I do, be my guest.
Okay, exactly what is it you do? - Plenty.
- Stop fighting.
We're rich.
And I didn't have to marry Martha Raye.
SABRINA: Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda! Help! ZLEDA: What's the matter? - Look.
Uh-oh.
A Libby puzzle.
- Sabrina, did you blow up a mortal? - She started it.
I told her something bad would happen if she stepped away from Libby.
You can't distance yourself from your problems.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I've heard.
What am I supposed to do? All the cheerleaders are expecting her.
I can't tell them their leader has turned into a rainy-day activity.
You have to assemble her.
- And then she'll be all right? - If you do it right.
- Help.
- Of course.
Now, try to calm down.
I know making a classmate explode can be stressful, but I've always found puzzles very relaxing.
Is that all there is? The box is empty.
How can we be missing pieces? Didn't you read the fine print? "Some pieces not included in box"? What a rip-off.
I guess you didn't see this, either.
If you don't find the missing pieces and put them in before the sand runs out, Libby will be a puzzle forever.
- What? - Boy, in the final analysis, the Libby puzzle isn't much fun, is it? How am I to find these pieces? You have to explore her life, and quickly.
You know, I bet other teenagers get to spend their evenings watching TV.
Zeldie, I feel bad.
We should be able to work together without fighting.
I mean, we are more mature than Libby and Sabrina.
- I agree.
Let's get back to business.
- But I'm still in charge, right? Aah! Whoever's in charge, get in here, and bring some Wet-Naps.
Make that a fire extinguisher.
Ugh Gross.
Well, the piece isn't in Libby's leftover lunch.
- Only 45 minutes left.
- Will you stop with that? I'm worried about Libby.
I need to concentrate.
That's good, because you only have 44 minutes left.
Forty-three fifty.
Ooh-- I'm not finding anything.
Aah! Harvey.
Have you met my friend--? QUIZMASTER: Invisible.
- My friend Susie? Remind me to introduce you sometime.
By the way, um, you didn't happen to see any jigsaw-puzzle pieces under there, did you? No.
But to tell you the truth, I was taking a nap.
There's something really soothing about being under an engine, but I don't know what it is.
QUIZMASTER: The fumes? - Shh Sure gotta go.
Ha.
We're down to about a half an hour.
Okay, I admit it.
I like holding up the hourglass.
Maybe the piece will be in Libby's locker.
I think this one is hers.
Ha-ha Sabrina, I hate to interrupt your conversation with the voices in your head, but have you seen Libby? Libby? Uh No, I haven't.
But don't worry.
I'm sure she'll pull herself together real soon.
Look.
Look at this notebook.
It looks like Libby had a tutor help her in math.
- Weird.
- Why are you so surprised? Didn't you know she was bad at math? Yeah, but what's surprising is she cares that she's bad at math.
Sounds like you learned a little something about Libby.
And here's a piece of the puzzle.
Look, it's got Libby's address on the back.
Well, might I suggest we go there? - Especially since we-- - Oh, get a hobby.
I don't care.
I don't want Marge in my bridge club.
She's a kook.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Have you seen what she calls furniture? Ew.
Hold on.
- Mrs.
Chessler? - Yes.
Hi, I'm Sabrina.
I'm a friend of Libby's, and I left a book here that I came to pick up - that time when you weren't here.
- Mm-hm.
I don't care.
I don't want Marge in my house.
You're not exactly on my A list either, kook.
Well, I can see where Libby gets her meanness from.
Exactly.
And I believe that would be another piece to the puzzle.
Are you gonna cry? Because I'll hang up.
Oh, I was just reminding you that we're-- I'm still here.
I'll just go get that book now.
SABRINA: Told you that one was the bathroom.
Let's try this one.
Yup, this is Libby's room, all right.
- But where do we start? - Check the last piece of the puzzle.
Uh "One of these things is not like the other.
" [SINGING.]
One of these things Just doesn't belong Can you guess? At least I'm not holding up the hourglass.
Well, when it comes to photography, Libby has really specific tastes.
But what stands out? Look.
This frame is purple.
All the others are gold.
And there's something on the back.
"Buy 20 gold frames, get one purple frame free.
" - Yeah, now only ten minutes left.
- I know.
But we can't panic.
If we're gonna find the puzzle piece, we have to be painstakingly methodical.
I have a feeling Libby's gonna know someone was in her room.
You think? I swear, even as a puzzle, Libby's getting on my nerves.
Wait a minute.
This one thing is definitely not like the others.
Looks like we found a sweet grandmother.
Look at the note.
"Dear, dear Libby: Sweet of you to take me to the ballet.
Your birthday, it'll be you and me on the roller coaster of your choice.
Love, Grandma.
" This is it.
And there's nothing on the back.
This has gotta be the last piece.
Let's go home.
Wait a minute, I'll zap us back.
We only have a few minutes left.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
MRS.
CHESSLER: Is everything okay? - Oh, no, the room.
- Did you find that book? - Just now.
- And here it is.
- Good.
Do you wanna stay and see Libby? You can wait in the garage.
- Don't do it.
She'll turn on the car.
- No, thank you.
Okay, but we're expecting her any minute.
Really? Then I better hurry.
I mean go.
[SHRIEKS.]
And this is the piece that came out of her tutoring notebook.
She must consider poor math skills her Achilles' heel.
This is the one that came off her mother.
Oh.
That must be her cold shoulder.
And this is the one that came from her grandmother's picture.
I know where this goes.
Her heart.
Oh, no, there's still a piece missing.
And time just ran out.
Don't worry, that piece doesn't exist yet.
It's Libby's compassion for others.
Now, you have to gradually fill that space by showing compassion for Libby even when she doesn't show it for you.
In other words, learn to work together.
- I get it.
- Mm-hm.
And by the way, could this lesson be any more heavy-handed? Well, I could've been behind a pulpit.
See you.
What is going on? What am I doing here? Oh, you just came by to see if I needed a ride.
- I don't.
- I would not.
I'm getting out of here.
Uh, wait, Libby.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
Once again, weirdness reigns whenever "Safreakna's" around.
Oh, yeah, sympathy for Libby.
Piece of cake.
You know, Libby, I have to admit, your side of the float is looking pretty good.
I'm glad you're willing to state the obvious.
Oh, well, I I'm going to accept that as a compliment.
Then you could use a dictionary.
Libby, um, I could use some help with my crepe paper.
I have a box of matches.
But it's just that I wanted to get done this weekend so I could, uh, visit my grandma.
Oh.
Well, I would hate for part of the float to look like you did it.
- Okay, I'll help.
- Thanks.
You know, Libby, sometimes you're a real puzzle.
No talking.
Zelda, we have a problem.
Come, now, don't let the pressure get to you.
A strong business requires a strong stomach.
I'm gonna be sick.
It turns out your cleanser is more versatile than we thought.
It not only cleans, it also turns people into mutants.
Well, how do you know that happens to everyone? What if--? - Gross.
SALEM: Help! Oh People are demanding their money back.
And I already put a down payment on a condo in Florida.
- This is all your fault.
- My fault? I'm not the one who invented an allergy cure and then tried to pawn it off as a cleanser.
- I never should've-- - I cannot be held responsible-- You corrupted me with your supply-side economics.
- You just-- - Hey! You guys.
Why can't we learn to get along? Sabrina learned to get along with Libby.
You're right.
- Thanks.
- I mean this with all of my love: Don't touch me.
Libby, Sabrina, I just want to thank you both for working together and doing such a good job.
I love the way you took two different themes and integrated them together.
My idea.
You don't have to let her take the credit.
I've met her mother.
Hey, Sabrina.
How's it going with Libby? Well, I'm beginning to understand her, yet I still wanna wring her neck.
- It's the best of both worlds.
- Cool.
Say, do you mind if I hang around for a bit? - I've never been on a float before.
- Oh, that's sweet.
And you just happen to be in the middle of my "Agents of Destruction" video game.
Oh, no.
Fire in the hole! [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I have to admit, you were right, Aunt Hilda.
Jigsaw puzzles are really relaxing.
It's the perfect way to wile away a rainy afternoon.
The fact that it's sunny and unseasonably warm outside takes nothing away from the fun.
You know, Sabrina, I don't think I told you this, but in my opinion, your Democracy Daze float was the best.
Thanks.
It did turn out great.
It's going to stand as a monument to your creative talent and democratic spirit.
Not really.
When we got back to the school, the engine Harvey had been working on blew up and the whole thing burned to the ground.
Ever reminding us that democracy is a fragile thing.
Just a few more pieces left.
This puzzle's pretty easy, considering the subject is so hard to live with.
SALEM: Hurry up and finish my nose.
I need to sneeze.
[SALEM SNEEZES.]