Squidbillies (2005) s02e14 Episode Script

Sweet.
l always wanted one of them dunk hoops.
Nothin' but net.
That wasn't Billy's house, was it? - Recalculating.
- Stupid GPS.
l thought he looked a little large from up here.
Apartment complex in point one miles.
OK, here we go.
l think l blew out my rotator cuff.
l'm gonna need a stretch of Jew houses soon.
Descend immediately for milk and cookies.
This is big Crimson Daddy requesting emergency landing, over.
Chocolate chip.
Plastic cookie? lt's a trap! Well, well, if it ain't the ultimate Yankee.
Please, l beg of you.
You come here and take over all our businesses.
l mean you no harm.
l have a whole sleigh of toys.
- Take whatever you want.
- Hot damn, Daddy! Look, he got a Mr.
Tato head over here.
Yes, yes, Mr.
Tato head.
Take one, please.
lt ain't no Mr.
Tater head we after, son.
No, sir.
- We ain't? - l don't know, is it? - lt is? What you talking about? - Don't ruin the damn plan! What's that, Ripper? No, no mistletoe this year.
You know how that jealousy stuff is.
Hush, Ripper, please.
Shut up, l want to hear this.
As you can see by the Santa Tracker Jolly Saint Nick is passing through our area so get those kids to What is this? ls this right? l'm getting reports that that Santa's gone down.
- Oh, Lord! - Dear God, this is awful.
We're gonna stay with you all night, folks.
Dear God help us! Help us all at Christmas time! Check this out.
A bony-fide eight-pointer.
- l want to mount it on my toilet.
- Rudolph! That way people will know it's for the mens.
- You were so rare! - He's about to be medium rare.
l love me some smoked venison.
A lot of people overlook but there's a lot of good meat on the face.
You're all insane! What could you possibly want from me? l think you know what l want, Santy Claus.
Cuyler, it's impossible l only ever asked you for one thing.
l just l can't do it.
Damn it, l've been a good boy! Now, how many damn years l gotta wait? l want me the greatest gift of all! l won't bring you the still beating heart of Jeff Gordon! All right? l've said it.
Well, Nicholas, l'm disappointed.
We'll do it this way.
- Give me my straight razor.
- No, please.
- We don't have to go this way.
- OK, OK, you right.
Thank you.
l'm thinking the rusty fish scaler instead.
No, no! No! No! - No, it's the beard! - Damn it! We will not negotiate with terrorists! The still beating heart of Jeff Gordon? What kind of twisted madman would want that? - Make it so.
- But you just said Damn it, make it so! l made it just so.
A wooden heart.
Filled with fruity jellybeans.
Hell, l gotta be honest.
lt don't surprise me.
Not coming from Jeff Gordon.
You have what you want.
Now release our leader.
- But, Daddy, he just said he made that.
- Yes.
l made it just so.
- Scooter, run! - Santa? Damn it, it's a trap! We've lost him, sir.
Dispatch the Silent Knights! You'd best hope them munchkins come through for you, boss.
They pull another stunt like that it's gonna be Buck Knife nipping at your damn nose.
l'm gonna kill you all.
Russell, keep an eye on him.
l'm going outside to holler for a bit.
l'm wild! Hell, yeah! Damn, Daddy gets so crazy when Jeff Gordon win a race.
l don't know what he's gonna do.
We've had some good times, haven't we, Ralphie? Richie? l ain't supposed to be talking to you, Santa.
Remember that Evel Knievel Snake River Canyon Jump Set? l remember how much you wanted that.
- l don't remember getting that.
- Right.
Yeah.
You would've loved it.
Well, l got that chicky pox once.
Was that from you? That was probably a Probably a toilet seat gave you that.
Actually, it wasn't so bad, really.
l mean, once we drained the pus out.
So, there's something.
Come sit in my lap and take the fishhooks from Santa's scrotum.
There's really no need for that.
l'm crazy! Crazy.
Son, what the hell are you doing? He's with me now.
l'm the decider.
lf you ever want to see your son alive again, you'll do what l s-- How's that, fat man? We're gonna ventilate all that jelly out of that there belly.
Early! You gotta remember the reason for the season.
Sorry, Granny.
Who's naughty now? Damn, it's Johnny Law.
You best play nice, fat man.
Six, seven, eight, huh? Boy, that's well over the limit, ain't it, Early? Something l can help you with, Sheriff? Well, we got reports that Santa's sleigh went down somewhere over Dougal County.
- That's horrible.
- You heard anything or, you know, seen anything unusual, Early? What'd it look like? Looks a lot like this one, actually.
But it didn't have all them bullet holes in it.
- Well, l'll keep my eyes peeled.
- Help! Help! Get down and stay down like l done said! l can behave! l told you that Sheriff does not need to see you in there! - Who was that, Early? - ln-laws.
Always beating theyselves up and screaming for help.
- You know how it is, right? - l'm not married.
But call me if you need anything.
Well, that is, if you get a telephone.
- Here's my card.
- And here's my card.
- Early, this is my card.
- lt is now.
Take care.
- Have a good 'un.
- Good-bye, Santy Claus! - l'll catch you on the flip.
- Santa Claus?! - Rusty! Now! - Hey, Rusty! Come on.
Come on, now, get down.
Stay on the ground, boy.
ls this freshly smoked? Hickory.
Go on, take you some.
What can l say? That's delicious.
Thanks, Early.
Merry Christmas to y'all.
- Merry Christmas to you! - Merry Christmas, Sheriff! And a merry Christmas to you! Get back in there! Come on, git.
The partridge is in the pear tree, sir.
Repeat, the partridge is in the pear tree.
You don't have to repeat that, Clarence.
lt's fine.
l understood the first time.
Bring us the figgy pudding.
l repeat, bring us the figgy pudding.
You know, that's annoying.
So, ho, ho.
You like to smoke? Well, l smoke a pipe on occasion myself.
Mrs.
Claus doesn't care for it too much.
That's crack cocaine, isn't it? Yes, l should've known.
Oh, the glass dick.
- What the hell? - Look, Daddy, look! The Jesus baby's up there singing! % Felt its worth % % A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices % l'll tell you what, son.
You got to enjoy every Christmas you have, Rusty.
You don't never know how many you gonna get.
- l love you, Daddy.
- And l love you, too, son.
% Fall on your knees % l said fall on your knees, you son of a bitch! - What the he--? - lt's a trap! Go for the face, my angels.
Spare no one! % O night % % Divine % % When Christ, when Christ was born % l'll notify the families.
Damn, we had him.
Have we heard anything from the Gordon camp? They're not budging on the heart, sir.
Damn it.
Early, l need more time! For what? You got two old boys here with Jeff Gordon in a box.
Oh, good! Well, never mind then.
- Nice to meet you.
- What the? Cock Johnson? - Daddy, it's a trap! - You'd best try again, tiny bitches.
Cock Johnson is a man of great strength.
- His heart is quite large.
- l said Jeff Gordon! Now, who's making decisions for you? You know what? Forget it.
Let's just call this my two weeks, all right? - Good luck, Santa.
- Elves, please! The pay is not commensurate with the agony! - Look, that can change.
- How much you boys make? - We get one candy cane a month.
- And no dental! - lt's been an issue.
- That's exploitation.
- What does this mean, exploitation? - Never you mind.
You ever use them little fingers to bore out a carburetor? l've built a wooden name placard for Corey.
Well, all right, then.
How's two candy canes a month sound? Why, two is far more than one.
l'll take it! - Come on, let's go.
- l can bore a car--carburetor.
Wait! Elves, don't go! - Or you'll what? - Yeah, what? l will rain fire down on you from the skies! l made you, damn it! You were a bunch of tiny drifters before you met me! What are you gonna do to me? - You ever seen the movie Saw ll? - Oh, no.
No, no, please, please.
No? Me, neither.
l want to, though.
l heard good things.
l told you once, you son of a bitch! l'm the best that's ever been.
What? Fire in the mountain, and run, boy, run! Go, Daddy, go.
You're making me look stupid here.
Go! Now, wait a minute.
- Well, it's sort of like this one here.
- Help! Help! Good-bye, Santy Claus! - Oh, my goodness! - Slow down! That's delicious.
That's good! Man, that's delicious.
l'm eating light.
Merry skull! BloodLogic