The Addams Family (1964) s02e14 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Oh, darling, are you sure I'm ready for this? Querida, I've taught you all my mastery of the bullwhip.
Surely, flicking the ash off a cigar should be child's play.
Very well, darling, if you say so.
Where's Mama? I want her to see this.
Did somebody call me? Mama, why the suit of armor? No offense, Morticia, but I feel more secure wearing this ever since Gomez told me that a bullwhip can slice a man's head off like that! Oh, I'm sure he was exaggerating, but suit yourself.
Are you ready, Gomez? Ready, my dear.
Remember, aim, close your eyes and fire away.
Mama, speak to me.
Can you hear me? Certainly.
There's no need to shout.
Lucky thing I remembered to duck.
Mail's in.
I do believe Thing is trying to tell us something.
Of course, it's a letter from Spain.
Gracias, Thing.
Oh, darling, it's for you.
You open it, my dear.
Maybe it's a bill.
Oh, you're so thoughtful.
I better give this a rub down before it stiffens up.
That's interesting, it's from Pamplona.
Pamplona? I knew it.
Don Xavier Francisco de la Mancha Molinas.
Who are they? They? Him.
Back in the old country, our families were as close as Siamese twins.
How cozy.
Oh, well, he says he's arriving here all the way from Spain tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning.
Oh, good heavens! Gomez! Wait, why don't we surprise Gomez? You little imp.
That's what everyone called me in my sorority.
Oh, it says here that he's coming for his daughter Consuella's wedding.
Weddings are such fun.
Yes, especially when everyone cries.
Gomez! You big boy now.
Last time I see you, you so little.
- I'm Lurch.
- A church? - Lurch.
- Oh, Lurch.
The butler.
I see.
I Don Xavier Francisco de la Mancha Molinas.
Follow me.
Oh, Consuella, I am so happy we have wait for you to marry Gomez.
It is your wish even though I do not know Senor Addams.
Only Senor Gomez Addams is good enough for marry Molinas.
That is why his grandpapa and I signed marriage contract when you are little girl.
- Don Xavier! - Gomez! Oh, this must be Consuella.
My, what a big girl you are! Gomez, that is the duena.
How do you say? The chaperone.
This is my Consuella.
But of course.
I haven't seen you since I was five, but I remember how we used to play casa.
This is Morticia.
Morticia, this is Don Xavier Molinas, duena and Consuella.
How you do? How do you do? Querida, this is my hermana.
My sister, you might say.
- What did he say? - He say she his sister.
Oh, his sister! Sí.
Did you ever think I'd marry such a beautiful woman? - Oh, Senor.
- Oh, but I knew you would.
And you have waste no time.
This must be the padre, no? Padre, no.
That's Uncle Fester.
He went south with his polo team.
And they're winning, too.
Don Xavier, Consuella, la duena.
You remember Mama? I'll see about your rooms, ladies.
You rang? Yes, Lurch, would you please help with the luggage? Yes, Mrs.
Addams.
That's the day you fought two bulls, back to back.
But it was nothing, I Thank you, Thing.
In America, the servants are cheap.
To the Molinas.
To you and your lovely daughter, Consuella.
To you and your sister, Morticia.
No, Don Xavier, Morticia's not my sister, she's my wife.
Life? Oh, sí.
You lead a wonderful life.
- Consuella will be happy with such a man.
- Thank you.
I hope she finds one.
Has Gomez changed much since he was a little boy? Oh, he so little, me so little.
Only remember we play casa.
- You played what? - Casa.
House.
Oh? Now Gomez and I get married, you and I real sister.
What's she mean by that? Well, I'm sure she means In Spain, Gomez is a very common name.
She probably means she's going to marry someone by that name.
No, me marry Gomez, you brother.
- My brother? - Sí.
- Who? - He.
- My Gomez? - My Gomez.
You know, Don Xavier, I have a vast network of offices all over the world.
My girl in Madrid did nothing but try to locate you.
And then there's my girl in Barcelona, and of course my girl in Toledo and then I have two girls in Sevilla and then there's good old Sadie in Lisbon.
Do you hear what I hear? I'm counting.
So many girls.
Can you not get rid of a few? I'd be lost without them.
- The wife is always the last to know.
- Oh, dear.
Now, about the dowry The hand of Consuella should be enough for the lucky groom.
It is a matter of honor.
I do not have dollars, but perhaps you will hold this for me.
"I owe you one million pesetas.
" Well, let's see, that's Thank you, Thing.
One million pesetas is 16,600 potatoes.
- I'd better keep this in a safe place.
- You will accept it, then? I shall guard it with my life.
- Wife? - Life.
Let me show you Morticia's beautiful African strangler.
- That Bluebeard.
- He should be boiled in oil.
No, he enjoys that too much.
Besides, we must think of the children.
- Why don't you think of yourself? - Oh, it's too late for me.
But we can still save Consuella.
She can't be just another cipher, another number in his harem.
My son with a harem.
I didn't know he had it in him.
Cousin Itt? It's me, Morticia.
Good afternoon.
Cousin Itt, I'm in such a terrible dilemma.
Gomez is being untrue, but I don't want to get him into trouble.
What should I do? Have my head examined? But I still love him and he wants to marry Consuella.
Have his head examined? You may have something, there.
There must be something wrong with him.
He has girls all over the world.
I'm sure he could get one for you, but that doesn't solve my problem.
I'm sure it would solve yours.
Oh, Cousin Itt, I thought you were going to be so helpful.
Haven't you ever been in love? What was she like? A tall, beautiful blonde? And brunette? Well, that's silly of you to break up.
Some of my best friends have two heads.
What shall I do about Gomez? Excellent idea.
I'll scare him.
How? No, Cousin Itt, I think this calls for a bit more subtlety.
No.
No, nothing physical.
It should be psychological.
That's it! I'll use psychology.
Thank you, Cousin Itt and To you.
By george, there's nothing like a pogo stick for getting around the house.
I think I'll get one for Mama.
Mama prefers a skateboard.
Mama and her dignity.
Gomez, do you know what the penalty is for bigamy? Of course, two wives.
That's an old joke.
That's an old law book.
- I swapped with Mama for my pogo stick.
- How nice.
The family that swaps together, hops together.
- Shakespeare? - Uncle Fester.
Oh, good old Fester.
He'd be quite a philosopher if he weren't such a bubblehead.
- How do you like my painting? - Querida, it's marvelous.
What is it? - Interesting.
- Do you recognize the face? I'd recognize that face with my eyes shut.
Cousin Crimp.
Gomez, it's you.
By george, there is a resemblance.
Doesn't it send chills up your spine? Gives me goose bumps.
I've got the perfect name for it, too.
- What? - Joy.
I think that this is more practical.
Egad, that's disturbing news.
- It is? - Certainly is.
"Weatherman predicts sunny skies for entire week.
" Don't you notice anything else? How can I miss? Stock market's down four points.
You didn't see anything about a jealous wife shooting her husband? I never read the sports page.
It's right there.
Oh, yes.
"Jealous wife shoots husband.
" Very messy.
Yes, isn't it? Poison is so much easier on the carpets.
She's probably a very sloppy housekeeper.
And a spoilsport.
As the man voted by my law class as most likely never to pass the bar, I predict that this woman will soon learn she can't go around shooting people, not without a permit.
Oh, it's no use, Cousin Itt.
Psychology didn't work at all.
No, no, definitely no shooting.
Why? Because I have no permit.
No, no, that would absolutely ruin the carpets.
No, poison doesn't agree with him.
Pin a medal on him? Certainly not.
I know.
I can't help it.
I am a soft-hearted Oh, thank you, Thing.
Thing, I'm going to take definite action.
I'm going to put a stop to this, no matter what the consequences to Gomez.
I can't.
I love him too much.
Did you know that Cousin Itt said that I was a I'm a double Et tu, Thing? Oh, that must be Senor Cardona, the flamenco dancer.
I thought a little entertainment would make our guests feel at home.
Who knows? This may become their home.
Don't worry, my dear, I have a way of getting rid of people - who begin to pall on me.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
Senor Cardona.
Senor Cardona.
Senor, we have a wonderful surprise for you.
I shall accompany you on the guitar.
How kind.
Thank you, Thing.
Much better.
I hear guitar.
Oh, Consuella, darling, come in.
Consuella Molinas, this is Senor Cardona.
What a beautiful thing.
It's just a little something I composed myself.
I mean the guitar.
May I? Do you play? Well, not so good like Senor Gomez, but I try.
- Exquisite.
- Not bad for a beginner.
You play, I stay.
She no play, I no stay.
She play, you stay.
- Okay? - Olé! Excuse me, Querida.
Wine, please.
Thank you, Thing.
Nothing like instant wine.
- Lovely evening, cara mia.
- Lovely.
To love.
A bit sweet.
Think I'll switch to champagne.
I must be alone with you.
No, no, I am promised to Gomez.
My padre kill me, kill you, kill everybody.
You know, I think I better announce the betrothal of Gomez and Consuella tonight, - right away.
- Excuse me.
You're very handy.
Morticia, Don Xavier is about to announce Gomez' engagement.
Gomez will be forced to deny it and then Don Xavier will kill him.
Oh, we can't let that happen.
Gomez is much too young to die.
He looks a lot younger than he is.
Amigos, attention.
I would like to make a toast to my future son-in-law.
I'll drink to that.
My future son-in-law But first a toast to our friends from Spain.
- I'll drink to that.
- You are most gracious.
- But I would like to make a toast to - To Consuella, a lovely flower blooming in her prime.
I'll drink to that.
Por favor, I want to drink to A toast to Don Xavier Francisco de la Mancha Molinas.
A real cutie pie.
I'll drink to that.
Senora, you are most kind, but what about I'd like to propose a toast To my future son-in-law, Gomez Addams.
I'll drink to that.
- A little joke.
- It is no joke.
- No joke? - You are engaged since you were five.
You proposed when you were five years old? I must have been a wild one.
No propose.
Marriage contract signed in blood by Addams grandpapa and me.
But I'm already married to Morticia.
- You are married to your sister? - Sister? - Sí.
- Who? - He.
- Me? I am not his sister.
We're husband and wife.
Husband and wife? You make insult.
- Who? - He.
- Me? - Sí.
Gee.
Pistols at ten paces.
But, Don Xavier, you're the best shot in all of Spain.
You're the best shot in all of Spain.
That's why I do not say swords.
No.
I will not have bloodshed in this room.
I guess we'll just have to shoot around her.
It's easy.
I expect this kind of dishonor.
Fire away.
Querido mío, what have they done to you? Oh, isn't that sweet? They're in love.
- Who? - He.
- She? - Sí! Don Xavier, I think you're going to need this IOU.
Not me, he.
I am sorry, Don Xavier, I do not accept IOUs.
Senor, the IOU of Don Xavier Francisco de la Mancha Molinas is as good as his check post-dated.
Now, now, now, gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not quibble.
Mr.
Addams and I have decided to give the young couple a gift in exactly the amount of the IOU.
Cardona, you'll have my IOU in the morning.
- In cash, dear.
- Cash it is.
Easy come, easy go.
- Senor Addams, you are true Bluebeard.
- Blueblood.
- Who? - He.
- Me? - Sí! Oh, darling, wasn't it exciting last night? Not half as exciting as this morning.
United Cannonball is rising fast and I neglected to buy a single share.
Well, it's just as well.
What would we do with all those cannonballs around the house? Well, the children are happy at any rate.
Yes.
Just listen to them playing at their little games.
Sorry, Mama, I didn't know you were in there.
You think the children perhaps are overdoing it a bit, my dear? Nonsense, darling.
After all, you're only young once.
Yes.