The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e14 Episode Script

We just wanted you to look over
the lease for our new apartment
you know, 'cause
you're the stickler for detail
in this crowd.
Oh, well, here's
the first irregularity.
It's written
on a cocktail napkin.
Hey, it's the apartment
above the Warsaw.
It's a bar,
it's all he had to write on.
Yeah, and it's ours as soon as
we fill out our credit report.
Mm-hmm.
Are you guys sure
you wanna live above a bar?
I'm just kidding. Come on! Whee!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.
- Whoo-hoo.
[shivers]
Sorry, guys,
the wedding went kinda long.
Wow, that bridesmaid thing
looks like a great deal.
Not only you get
to go to a party
but you get a dress you can wear
again to the Grand Ole Opry.
Uh-huh. Thanks. I hate weddings.
- She had five bridesmaids!
- So?
So it made me realize I don't
even have five female friends.
I can only think of one,
and when she finds out
what I did with her boyfriend,
I won't have any.
Why do you need girlfriends
when you have us?
It's not the same.
Watch. Oswald, close your eyes.
What am I wearing?
You're naked.
That's it.
I gotta get some girlfriends.
But where do women hang out?
What do they think?
What do they do?
Uh, I don't know if this helps,
but they hang out in groups
they think of me
as just a friend
and they're really sorry,
but they're usually busy
on Friday and Saturday nights.
Okay, this meeting of the owners
of Buzz Beer is now in session.
I called you here
to discuss corporate finances.
Now, the good news is,
after a year
of hard work, sweat,
determination
we've made enough profits
to be in the black.
- Alright!
- Oh, I'll drink to that.
Oops, now we're in the red
again.
Well, let's just charge more,
how much do we need
to charge for each bottle
to make it profitable?
Uh, 29.95.
Hey, yeah,
and I've got the campaign.
Buzz Beer, the penis-enlarging,
cancer-curing, fat-reducing
guaranteed-to-get-you-
into-heaven beer, huh?
Still, 30 bucks.
This sucks.
Hey, wait a minute.
We still got about 300 gallons
left in old Bessy here.
If we're gonna go out
of business, we should go out
with a bang.
I say we throw a party.
We invite a bunch
of our friends
and, uh,
liquidate the inventory.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Free beer for everybody.
- 'Alright.'
- 'Wait.'
I've got it! Don't give up yet.
I got the one idea
that will save our business.
Let's put the beer
in a bottle shaped like a vase.
Then, when people
are done drinking
they can put flowers in it!
Free beer for everybody!
- Yeah!
- Alright.
[Vogues singing
"Five O'clock World"]
Up every mornin'
just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way
through the hustling mob ♪
Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows
no one owns a piece of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that
the world looks fine yeah ♪
Hey hey ♪
Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey hey ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Come on, Lewis, you're supposed
to meet me at the Warsaw.
You haven't even left
your apartment yet?
Well, hurry up!
[receiver slams]
Hey, bud, sorry we're late.
Man, living above
the Warsaw's a blast.
You can go out, get drunk
and be home
spinnin' in bed in 30 seconds.
Yeah.
- Good times, good times.
- Yeah.
So you guys will be
coming out to the Warsaw
in your pajamas from now on?
Well, in the winter.
Summer's wide open.
Hey, uh, any luck
selling that brewery equipment?
You know, if I defaulted that
loan, I'm gonna lose my house.
Don't worry, we'll find a buyer.
Our ad came out today
in the "Dollar Stretcher."
And with a couple
of clever abbreviations
I managed to save us
a lot of money.
"For sol, used beer quip.
Real chip."
- What the hell is that?
- Well, you pay by the letter.
No, I think what Drew
is tryin' to say, buddy, is
"Osh, you upid inking oron."
Guys, I'd like you to meet
my new friend, Jewel.
- Jewel, this is Drew.
- Hey.
And I guess this must be Heff
and the beef.
- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
- 'Hi.'
- Hey, I know you.
You're the assistant manager
of payroll down at the store.
Yeah, for seven years.
I must have a sign on my back
that says, "Do not promote."
[chuckles]
Must've borrowed mine.
[laughing]
You know, there's something
about you that's so familiar
but I can't put my finger on it.
(Oswald)
'Could you take off
your glasses?'
No.
There it is again.
Check out the glasses.
Hello, Internet.
[chuckling]
- You care to join us?
- 'No, thanks.'
We're waiting
for my two best friends.
Oh, here they are now.
Lois, Olivia.
[chuckles]
You are lookin'
at two smart chicks.
We just cheated the pay toilet
out of 25 cents.
- Huh..
- Yeah.
[chuckles]
My silver earrings,
same size as a quarter.
They're not as dumb
as they look.
Hm.
Are you guys ready to go?
I've planned
a full girls' night out.
We're gonna coordinate
some outfits, trash my mom
talk about my boyfriends
and, you know
other stuff women do.
Right, ladies?
Yeah, good times, huh.
[mumbles]
You know, I don't say this
very often, but, arr..
Hey, Drew,
there's a cute little
'redhead at the bar
who's looking at you.'
Yeah, and she's thinking, "Look
at that nice man.
Should he buy alcohol
for his two special friends?"
No, she's-she's coming
right towards you, man.
Yeah, miracles happen every day.
Excuse me.
Could I borrow your ketchup
for a second?
- Uh, sure.
- Thanks.
Hey, double-chili cheese burger.
That's my favorite.
I usually get double onions
on mine.
Ah-ah ah ah-ah ♪♪
Isn't that cute?
Hello. Hello.
Hey, uh, I haven't seen you
around here before.
Uh, that's because
I'm from Akron.
I'm here on business
till Sunday.
Oh, really?
Well, what do you do?
I have a chain
of my own small bakeries.
Ha-a ha-a ha-a ha-ha ♪♪
Hi, I'm Drew. The Theatre Boys'
Choir is Oswald and Lewis.
Ah, it's nice to meet you.
[pager beeping]
- Shit, I gotta go.
- Uh.
Is there a muffin in trouble?
'Cause I know hand-to-mouth.
Anyway,
thanks for the ketchup.
Sure. Oh, hey, listen.
If you're, uh, in town
till Sunday
I mean, I'm havin'
a big party Saturday night.
- Maybe you wanna stop by?
- That sounds fun.
Oh, by the way,
did anybody catch the score
of tonight's Bull's Calves game?
Yeah, it was, uh, 121-15 Calves.
You a Calves fan?
[scoffs]
Isn't everyone? See ya.
[chuckles]
Ah ah ah ♪
Ma-a-an ♪♪
Wow! She is perfect, man.
She's everything I wanted.
She's..
She's.. Who the hell is she?
I don't even know her name.
- I forgot to get her name!
- Don't worry, dude.
She works at a bakery
in North America.
You're bound to find her
eventually.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Hey, Mimi.
Copier's out of toner again.
[scoffs]
How many times
do I have to tell you
your ass is a two-machine job?
I was just making more copies
for a big party
I'm havin' on Saturday.
Oh, I shouldn't have mentioned
anything
'cause I have no intention
of inviting you.
How uncomfortable I am now.
Rippin' off the company, huh?
Figures.
I was talkin' on the phone
to my aunt in Australia
tellin' her what a pig you are.
Oh, crap, I left her on hold.
Ah, it's okay,
I got her conferenced in
with my uncle in Guam.
Why do your relatives live
so far away?
Oh, yeah.
"Help us say goodbye to
Buzz Beer this Saturday night.
All of the Buzz Beer you can
drink, free, free, free!"
Gee, goin' out
of business, huh?
Well, I can't imagine
where all the profits went.
Nice one, Mimi. By the way..
Did I mention how beautiful
your hair is today?
What's wrong with it?
Is it messed up?
Not today. Mr. Wick's
finally taking me out to lunch.
And who's payin'?
Same person
who rented the hotel room.
Lucky bastard thinks
he's only gettin' the lunch.
[chuckles]
[spraying]
[laughs]
Kind of late to be decorating
for the holidays, isn't it?
[laughs]
(Mimi)
Uh..
- 'Um, Mr. Wick.'
- Yes.
Uh, I'm gonna have to cancel
lunch today
because I am
on a special diet.
I am just gonna eat under here.
Oh, dear! And you've been
after me for so long to do this.
I can't tell you
how disappointed I am.
Perhaps we can try again
in another six months.
Keep your chin up.
Just an expression.
You crossed the line
this time, pig!
Come on, Mimi.
Good friends, good fun.
Hey, good luck gettin'
that crap out of your hair.
Mimi, here.
This is the approved artwork
for the Big White Sale ad.
It's going into every edition
of Saturday's newspapers.
So don't scratch the originals.
I'll get it to the printer
immediately, sir.
Good.
Uh, by the way, Carey left
one of his party flyers
in the copy.
Uh, slap his hand
and charge him ten cents.
- Would you?
- A-are you sure that's enough?
On his salary? Probably drop him
into a different tax bracket.
[chuckles]
So anything that goes
into this envelope's
gonna be read by half the city.
Yes. Now get to it.
Oh, so, Mimi, have you decided
which side is tingling?
Thank you for delivering
the enemy into my hands.
Oh, what am I saying?
Thanks. Owe you one.
[instrumental music]
I think one sub sandwich
should've been enough
but I ordered a second one
just in case.
Uh, my three new girlfriends
won't be coming.
- They made other plans.
- Oh, yeah?
Star Trek Convention
or Singles Night at Camp USA?
No, they canceled Singles Night.
Only desperate men
were showing up.
So I hear.
[door opens]
[cars honking]
Drew, what the hell is happening
in your neighborhood?
I don't know if I'm being
paranoid, but there are
like a 1000 cars following me.
[cars honking]
Wanna hear something weird? I
picked up a paper at the Warsaw.
I looked at the Winfred-Lauder
insert and this fell out.
- It's your party flyer.
- What? I can't hear ya!
It's your party flyer! It was
in the Winfred-Lauder insert!
Oh, it must have been
an accident
'cause I have a paper
and it's not in..
Oh, my God!
It's in every paper
and it says "Free beer!"
[knocking on door]
Who is it?
Cleveland.
[cars honking]
Drew, this is insane! There are
thousands of people here.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
I thought I just had
momentary fly vision.
And they just keep coming,
we can't
get out the free beer
fast enough.
There's a bus outside full
of National Guard guys, Drew.
Oh, good. Finally somebody will
bring some order to this thing.
No, they came to party.
They wanna know if your roof
will support a chopper.
Okay, that's it.
I may be losing my business.
I'm not gonna lose my house.
Okay, listen up, everybody!
There's been a big mistake!
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, this is supposed to be
a small private party!
Now, some of you can stay
but we have a little
parking problem.
I need a 1000 people
to move their cars!
Thank you!
Also, this
is the last one of these.
So from now on
you're on your own.
And if you use the phonebook,
please be considerate
and leave the plumbing section.
I'm gonna need it later on.
Drew, the phonebook
is long gone.
But I managed to save
your baseball cards.
This is totally out of control.
It's like the whole city
of Cleveland is here.
Oh. Hey! Hey, buddy.
Hey, no-no-no calls, alright?
No phone calls, huh?
No calls, man.
I'm sorry. I've to make a very
important long-distance call.
- Oh, my God, you're the mayor!
- Hi--
Mayor White! I can't believe it.
The mayor's in my house!
Using my phone.
Still, uh, it is my phone.
No long-distance calls. Okay?
I think I found a place to put
the rubble from the old stadium.
Hey, Kate,
have you seen a little redhead
girl about this tall?
I don't know her name.
And she's leaving for Akron
tomorrow.
I'll keep an eye out for her.
I gotta get some air.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Coming through.
Woman with a weak bladder.
Gonna puke here!
Claustrophobic!
Woman on the verge
of a nervous breakdown!
Out of my way!
Hey, you, with the red hair,
Drew's looking for ya.
Hey, you with the brown hair,
where is he?
Back there somewhere. Good luck.
There's no bodily function
gross enough to part this crowd.
You guys?
What are you doing here?
I, I-I thought you were all busy
doing different things.
You guys are ditching me?
Look, Kate, the truth is
we don't always wanna talk about
shopping or clothes or boys.
We have other interests.
Frankly, you're too girly.
Who are you calling a girl?
That's the other thing, Kate.
Your anger.
It scares us.
Take off your glasses.
I'll show you anger.
- Uh, Lois, Olivia..
- Hey! Hey, you!
No touching. Hey, you,
you watch it with those hands.
Hey, you good-looking.
No one told you to stop.
- Oh, God.
- This is insane.
There is no way we can keep up
with demand.
My back is killing me.
- Lay down on the conveyer belt.
- What?
- Just do it.
- Alright. Uh..
Oh.
Oh. Ah..
Whoa!
Wow, this is great!
When did you discover this?
Uh, a guy tried it
on a conveyer belt at Drug Co.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep,
and when he woke up
he had 400 pills and a pound
of cotton shoved up his butt.
[door opens]
Hey, I got a drunken mob out
there screaming for more beer
I'm hauling out trash out back
as fast as I can
and what are you two doing?
Get off of there.
Somebody roll me.
Oh, my God, this is..
Oh, yeah. That's right.
Oh, roll me, baby,
all night long.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
Just one more time, Mayor White.
Go long.
Oh, my God, it's Bernie Kosar!
I'm sorry, I thought
this was the men's room.
Wow! Bernie Kosar.
Go wherever you want, man.
Yeah, unless you have
to take a model.
Hey, you're the guy with
the crew cut and the glasses.
There's this cute redhead
outside looking for you.
She said if she missed you,
to say thanks.
This was the best party
of her life.
Cute redheaded girl. Good grief!
Bernie Kosar! Did you see..
- Hey.
- Hey.
We were looking for you guys,
when we saw you earlier, we were
gonna ask you if you wanted to
go somewhere after the party.
You know, Olivia, I'm, I am
really attracted to you and all.
You remind me of someone I know
but I just can't figure out
who it is.
I know, Lewis.
I feel the same way.
[chuckles]
Me, too, Lewis.
I mean, Lois. Lois.
- Okay. Bye. Nice to meet you.
- I gotta go.
[indistinct chatter]
Great party, Carey.
By the way,
you owe the company $300
for the ad space you used up.
But I, uh, left a bit
of a train spot in your loo
so we'll call it even.
Hey, baker lady.
Hey, hey, wait up.
Sorry, VIPs only.
It's-it's my house.
It's my bedroom.
Tonight
it's Little Richard's bedroom.
Little Richard?
"Good Golly Ms. Molly"
Little Richard is here?
Yes, and Mr. Joe Walsh.
And they have a list.
And you aren't on it.
Babes.
Oh, oh, I get it,
you're only letting
the beautiful people upstairs.
Now I'm confused again.
Great party, Drew.
Boy, Little Richard
and Joe Walsh..
Never gonna see a chess game
like that again.
You know, you've done a lot
of crappy things to me, Mimi.
But, uh, making me the most
popular man in Cleveland
I'm afraid I'm never gonna
get over this.
[chuckles]
Joe, Little Richard.
I didn't see that checkmate
coming, Joe.
Whoo, boy, you good.
Yeah, you're still the best
at Stratego, man.
Wow, Joe Walsh
and Little Richard
what are you guys doing
in my house?
We were over
at the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame,
saw your ad in the paper
and I said, "Man,
I hope they got giant subs."
[crowd cheering]
Man, what a way
to go out of business.
My head's still spinning.
Yeah, two hours of
punching toilets will do that.
[telephone ringing]
Hello? No, sorry,
we're all out of Buzz Beer.
I'm sorry, I don't know where
you can get any. Sorry. Bye.
That's like the tenth call
this morning.
Wait a second. Are we stupid?
All these people calling,
bugging us for Buzz Beer?
Yeah, we should unplug
the phone.
Now wait a second.
We can't go out of business now.
Last night we turned half
of Cleveland on to Buzz Beer.
Yeah, it's not like
the other half drinks wine.
(Oswald)
'Mm.'
Buzz Beer's back in
business. Who's with me?
- Yeah!
- Whoo! Whoo!
(Little Richard)
'Shut up!'
Shh!
Checkmate! Aa-ha-ha. Ooh..
[laughing]
Ooh, ooh!
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]