The Great North (2021) s02e14 Episode Script
The Great North
1
- Look up there
- What do you see?
Nature and stuff
- Like a rock
- And a tree
Oh, the Great North
Way up here,
you can breathe the air
Catch some fish
Or gaze at a bear
Wow
Oh, the Great North
Here we live, oh, oh
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo
From longest night
to longest day
In the Great North.
Can you feel that, Alanis? That certain something in the air? It's audition week for the Lone Moose School musical.
The one time of year that people come together and break into song for no justifiable reason.
That actually happened a lot when I did the Mammary Jamboree in '98.
Whenever we'd have a great meal, Sarah McLachlan would point to her plate and sing: I will remember you.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, interesting, but, to get back to the topic at hand, which is moi, my beloved teacher, Mrs.
Frio, always writes the musical, and I don't want to brag but - You absolutely want to brag.
- I always get the lead.
This year, Mrs.
Frio has written a real doozy.
The Ideal Hurricane: The Musical based on The Perfect Storm, the movie starring George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, which is based on the book of the same name based on the real-life story of the shipwreck of the Andrea Gail off the Massachusetts coast.
Rolls right off the tongue.
And speaking of rolling off the tongue, I'm hoping there's a certain someone who will be cast opposite me as the lead.
Wait, you're not talking about Steven Huang are you? Yes.
Steven and I have such a rich "kiss-tory.
" I mean, we tried to kiss, then we really kissed, and then it just fizzled out, I guess.
But, Judy, Steven is dating that girl Chrissy now, - who plays volleyball, right? - Yes, and I would never break them up, but if Steven and I were cast as the leads in the play, and the romance of the theater just happens to overtake us, well, then, you know, so be it.
Okay.
I got to go do my vocal warm-ups.
Ask me about Alaska's fattest cats in baskets.
And I put the fire out, but my mom and Jamie had to come home early from their wine and paint night.
I know I shouldn't wrap hot dogs in tin foil before I put them in the microwave, - but they just taste better that way.
- Wait, you get to stay home alone when your mom goes out? Has your dad never left you home alone, Moon? No, but there are a lot of people in my family.
They're never all gone at the same time.
I stay home alone once a week.
I get to watch something rated TV-14.
I'm really into Chicago's Finest.
Oh, hey, Steven.
Are you, uh, here to audition for the, uh, musical? Uh, yeah.
How about you? I'm hoping I get the female lead, the role of Diana Lane.
I assume you're auditioning for the male lead, - Martin Whalburg? - Yeah.
Are you coming in? 'Cause we could, um, sit together or-or Oh, actually, I'm waiting for Chrissy, my girlfriend.
She's auditioning, too.
Oh, wonderful! Right, of course.
That's great, in fact.
And a congratulations.
And a best wishes to you both.
Welcome, students, to this year's auditions for the spring musical, The Ideal Hurricane.
Unfortunately, Mrs.
Frio is no longer able to direct the musical she wrote.
She found out last night that she was placed in a very high-profile jury.
I can't say anything specific, but next year's musical may be about the multiple homicide in the Wondering Whale Apartments in Ketchikan.
Luckily, Ms.
McNamara has graciously offered to step in.
The guidance counselor? Ugh.
I had to see her when I started here.
She told me to get out of my comfort zone, so, instead of answering, I just did a very loud fart and then left, and I've never heard from her again.
Hello, students.
You're probably wondering, "Hey, what is the guidance counselor doing directing a musical?" Although I have no experience directing theater, I do have experience helping students shine.
And remember, you can't spell "guidance" without "dance.
" - Oof.
- All right, let's go ahead and get the tryouts started.
In the words of Steven Spielberg, "Action.
" Watch out fish 'cause here we come We got our nets, our bait, our chum We work the high seas, it's scary and rough We catch lots of fish 'Cause we're wicked tough I just want to be one of the guys who dies.
This ain't sailing the tropics But catching those fish Puts money in our pockets We're We're wicked Sorry, I don't think I can sing in front of people.
Do you want to meet me in the green room, and audition just for me? Oh, I didn't know that was allowed, but okay.
Don't be fooled by our Dunkin' Donuts cold brew When it's dark in the night We've got warm arms to hold you Ugh.
I'm not auditioning.
I'm declaring myself to be the stage manager because backstage is where the real drama is.
Yes, you told me before the auditions, and I said it was fine.
You didn't need to come out here.
Oh, didn't I? Hello, I am myself, Judy Tobin.
Hit it, Mr.
Jeffrey.
The undertow might take you You can let it bring you down, or you can Remember my laughter Remember? It's like this Ha-ha-ha-ha.
And sail on back to town, my love - Tonight! - Okay, thank you, Judy.
But I memorized one of the monologues.
I'm goin' down to the yard, Martin.
I'm late for a card game.
I'm supposed to bring the "chowdah.
" All right, okay, yes, yes.
We get it.
Judy Tobin.
How were the auditions today, Judy? I nailed it.
I mean, I really dropped in during my monologue.
It was like I was actually bringing chowder to a card game on the docks, you know? I am looking forward to helping out with the sets again this year.
I loved building the giant ants for Honey I Shrunk the Cast, but to get to build an actual boat? It's gonna be like it's my birthday all month.
And I'm excited because our videography company, Pause For Applause, is finally doing a concert film.
And when we're done, we'll be selling those DVDs to proud parents for $15.
95.
Sign me up for two, one to watch and one to be buried with.
Principal Gibbons said I can do a hurri-cakes concession stand.
And Moon and I will be in the audience front and center.
Actually, Father, it has come to my attention that I'm the only one of my friends who has not been allowed to stay home alone.
Perhaps opening night of the musical would be an ideal time for me to test the waters.
I'll need to see a full presentation of your plans.
Of course.
And don't worry, while I'll be missing opening night, I'll be front and center at the Saturday matinee.
Hooray, hooray, for a "sat-inay.
" All right, thank you all for auditioning.
When I call your name, step forward.
What happened to just posting a list on the bulletin board? I really perfected my surprised but humble face.
First up, Steven Huang.
You will be our Martin Whalburg.
- Oh, wow, thanks.
- Great choice.
Crispin will be our Captain Clooney.
And as our female lead, Diana Lane - Chrissy Carr.
- What? Step forward.
Congratulations, you will be playing the female lead, Diana Lane.
What? Gill Beavers, Stool One.
Fred Lombard, understudying.
And finally, Judy Tobin.
You will have a very important role as Chrissy's understudy.
Understudy? Oh, and a stool.
- A stool? - Oh, wow! Judy, we're both playing stools.
Be stool, my heart.
Ooh, look at that, right on time.
Nailed it, Dad.
I will pick you two up after school.
And, Judy, I will circle back to get you post-rehearsal.
Yeah, okay.
You thinking about going to school, Judy? It's just we start rehearsals today, and I don't even have a line.
I'm playing a stool.
Huh, well, stools are an important part of sitting culture.
Yes, I know, but I'm used to being the lead, Dad.
Ms.
McNamara looked right past me.
I don't get it.
Well, we have a saying in the fishing business, "There are no small fish, only small catchers.
" So, you got a tiny fish this time.
There's probably still some good nutrition on its bones, and if you wait around for a bigger one, you might starve to death.
You know, you're right, Dad.
If I have to be a stool, I'm gonna be the stool that stands out, or sits out.
I'm just gonna stool it.
Well, that's a great "atti-Jude.
" I know you're gonna be the most solid stool on that stage.
I always find the fish, always.
Even when it's hard.
You never steer us wrong, Cap.
I've just got a bad feeling about this.
Martin, tell your girl to chill out.
The Barbara Gail has never let us down.
- And cut.
- Oh, Ms.
McNamara? - Yes, Judy? - You say "cut" for film.
- In the theater, we say "hold.
" - Oh.
Okay, great.
Why don't you hold any more comments until we wrap rehearsal.
Now, you'll all come downstage left and Um, Ms.
McNamara, I'm just not ready to sing in front of everyone yet.
That's okay, Chrissy.
We're not gonna do your number today.
Let's run through the bar scene.
Stools, get on all fours.
Uh, Ms.
McNamara, I invented a backstory for my stool.
I was carved from an oak who lived in a shaded grove for 100 years.
- And the - Okay, okay, okay, Judy.
Chrissy, you'll move over here and sit on Judy.
And, Steven, you'll sit on Gill.
And now, Steven, grab Chrissy's hand and look deep into each other's eyes.
Stools, smiles, please! MS.
McNAMARA: And cut.
In just one week, a storm is a-coming, people.
A storm called opening night.
And I'm stool here.
Thank you all for gathering to hear my plans to stay home alone.
This presentation has taken me three weeks to prepare, and I know by the end of it, you'll agree that I am perfectly capable of staying home alone.
Herein, you will find drawings of every potential intruder and my plan to combat them.
Let us begin with the scuba divers fresh off the submarine that are trying to steal our chimney.
- I'm listening - But wait, there's more, one of them is Edward Snowden.
The Barbara Gail is our true devotion It's not the size of the boat No, sir, nope, but what she does In the ocean, we make our home In Gloucester, Mass All hail, Barbara Gail - Let's raise a glass! - MS.
McNAMARA: And cut.
- Uh, excuse me.
- Yes, Mr.
Tobin? Just know that a winch would never be this close to the helm of a boat.
We had to move it a bit so Steven could swing.
Understood.
I just wouldn't want to give kids the wrong idea about winches.
Young people are going through enough as it is.
Also You'd never use a pivoting-fluke anchor in seas that deep.
It could be dangerous.
The way you said that gives me an idea.
After Steven says, "Drop the pivoting fluke anchor," what if you said, "Could be dangerous.
" Wait, what? No.
Like, as a line in the play? Is she really giving my dad a line? He's not even a student.
Great.
Great.
Great, great, great, great, great, great, great.
Beef, I know it's out of your comfort zone, but it'd be a real treat to have an actual fisherperson in the show.
Why don't you head back with John and find a costume.
Perfect, now my dad has more lines than me.
This situation could not possibly get worse! All right, Chrissy, now I know you haven't been comfortable singing, but we really need to get this duet up on its feet.
Remember, no one is judging.
Right, team? Mr.
Jeffrey.
I love you almost as much As Fenway Park You're my Funky Bunch, I'm your Marky Mark Wait for me, I'll be back with the crew We already lost Tom Brady I ain't gonna lose you I'll miss everything About you Is she summoning the dead? I swear I just felt a ghost pass through me.
Tonight, I wave - I'm sorry, I-I just can't.
I can't.
- Uh, everyone, um, just practice the opening number with Mr.
Jeffrey while I talk to Chrissy.
Judy, - can you come with me? - Oh, my God, it's happening.
- Hi.
Sorry.
I just don't - Chrissy, no need to apologize.
I think I have a solution, and it involves Judy.
Yes, as Chrissy's understudy, I've been doing my vocal exercises and drinking throat-coat tea because this is my musical instrument, and I keep her at the ready.
So, if Chrissy feels she cannot - do the part, of course I can.
- Judy.
Judy! What I was going to say is, Judy, let's have you sing all of Chrissy's songs from the orchestra pit while Chrissy lip-syncs them onstage.
- What? - Chrissy's doing fine with her lines, and now the songs will be great, too.
- But -Uh, Ms.
McNamara, how do you like this for Mr.
Tobin? I could take the parrot off his shoulder, but I love the way it contrasts with his inherent personal dignity, so you'll remove it over my dead body.
Understood.
Beef and Chrissy, you head to the stage.
Judy, you go on down to the pit.
And you might want to wear a hat, people tend to throw gum down there.
Judy? Judy? You've been out here for 15 minutes and haven't said a word.
- Have I? - Do you want to talk about it? No.
I don't want to talk about it.
I want to I want to Sing about it Oh, Alanis, here's the thing You know I love doing the musical Because I get to sing I thought I'd be the lead, and I truly believed That I'd get back together with my ex-boyfriend Steve Was he ever really your boyfriend, though? No, but it fit the meter of the line, Alanis.
Okay, I've been there.
That's why I sang, "Would she go you-know-what on you in a theater," when it was actually a Ross Dress for Less.
Okay, thank you, Alanis.
Talk about cruel, I was cast as a stool And that's when I saw the clouds gathering The clouds of my own perfect storm No, wait, my own ideal hurricane.
No, wait, my own exemplary typhoon.
Oh, it's an exemplary typhoon - Why did I go out? - Why did I row out? In the exemplary typhoon I went through weeks and weeks and weeks Of Chrissy's butt cheeks on my back And then your dad got a line And you thought that you were really gonna crack But then, for a moment, the sea calmed.
I heard Chrissy's voice.
Ew.
- And I thought I'd finally get the part.
- And maybe Steven's heart.
But, no, she'll be up there on the stage And I'll be singing in the dark Oh, it's an exemplary typhoon The show must go on, so I must row on In the exemplary Typhoon.
Well, I guess tomorrow night I'm just gonna have to let myself drown in wave after wave of humiliation.
Couldn't you steer the boat towards Chrissy? - In the spirit of friend - Towards Chrissy, yes! And then in front of Chrissy.
Uh, wait, what'd you say, Jude? Great idea, Alanis.
I'm gonna come up from the pit and sing Chrissy's part standing in front of her, so everyone knows it's me and get Steven back.
Thanks, Alanis.
No, no, no, no, no, nope, not what I meant.
Uh-oh, there she goes.
I sure hope my meringue waves don't collapse in the van on the way to the theater.
We're gonna need to drive slowly.
Wonderful, that will give me ample time to agonize over my one line.
"Could be dangerous," or, "Could be dangerous!" Mm, those both sound wrong.
Regardless of what you choose, we're gonna do a star wipe right there to really focus on you.
And we'll add a music cue, maybe Toni Braxton.
Well, I'm all set.
I watched the movies you guys recommended.
Home Alone, 127 Hours, and The Devil Wears Prada.
I've set up booby traps all around the house, packed water and snacks in my backpack in case I get trapped under a rock, and I'm prepared to throw my phone in a fountain to show Miranda Priestly that I am still my own woman.
I also watched Cast Away and then drew a face on this hockey puck, like Tom Hanks did with that volleyball.
So I'll be home alone, but not home a-lonely.
Ready Bobby readies better butter for the babies.
Ten minutes, everybody.
- Thank you, ten.
- MS.
McNAMARA: Actors, if I can get your attention, please.
I just got word that Steven Huang and Fred Lombard, his understudy, were snow machining when an elk stepped into their path.
- Oh, no, Steven! - MS.
McNAMARA: They're basically fine, but Fred has a concussion, and Steven sprained both of his feet and cannot dance or stand.
Since Steven is the lead and Fred is his understudy, my only option is to cancel the performance.
No! I love this.
The drama, not the fact that Steven and Fred were in an accident.
My condolences.
Look at all those potatoes.
Being alone on Mars is easy.
Still no intruders.
You're nailing this, Moon.
Huh? Hey, squirrel, what are you doing in my bucket full of glue foot trap? It's for adult human burglars.
Whoa! Uh-oh.
Well, there's no getting out of here.
I'm just that good.
Well, I guess I'll go out and tell the audience the show is canceled.
Ms.
McNamara, wait.
I actually know all of Steven's lines and all of his songs.
- You do? - Yes, and everyone else's lines and all the choreography, and I memorized the program.
What I'm saying is, I can go on for Steven.
But you're supposed to sing for Chrissy from the pit.
Right, and I can still sing her song, but onstage.
I'll just turn my head upstage like this, - and Chrissy can move her mouth.
- Amazing choice.
So, instead of singing in the pit, I'm going to be singing both leads - onstage in front of everyone.
- Yes, I guess you would be, and getting all the attention you were craving.
Well, does everyone want to go ahead with the show? - Okay, then.
- Places, everyone.
Places, everyone.
Why are you all just standing here? Stools, get onstage and crouch.
- Drop the pivoting fluke anchor.
- Could be dangerous.
- Get it, Beef.
- That's my dad! Martin, why don't you go grab two more nets from the dock? Whatever you need, Cap.
I'm on it.
Remember, we got a boat to get ready, so no sneaking around with your girl.
Oh, right, my girl.
Tomorrow, I head out To the Grand Banks with this crew So, tonight, I wave goodbye to you It's not safe out there, that's what I truly believe Why don't you stay right here I hate when you leave I'll be back, I always return Just tired and dirty with a sunburn You know you're my destiny, but what if The worst happens? It's just the sea, so let's go out and have a brew 'Cause, tonight, I wave goodbye to you - Put me down.
- Are you kidding? They're eating it up.
Tonight I wave Goodbye To you.
Hey, Chrissy, there you are.
I know we have to be on for the finale soon, but I just wanted to tell you how great you were out there.
We made such a great team.
You know, I actually almost did something tonight that would've hurt your feelings, and I'm really glad that I didn't because Wait, are you crying? Why didn't you just let Ms.
McNamara cancel the show? Now Steven saw you do his part and my part.
He's probably going to fall back in love with you.
Me? No.
Steven likes you.
What are you talking about? This whole thing has just been so humiliating for me.
I mean, I just auditioned to have something to do with Steven for fun, since it's not volleyball season right now, and then Ms.
McNamara gave me the lead, which I didn't even want.
Then she made me sing in front of people, even though I cannot sing.
And then she gave my song to my boyfriend's beautiful and talented kind of ex-girlfriend, and everything was just like a like a a perfect storm.
Huh.
I've been feeling the exact same way.
- You have? - I have to be honest.
I did kind of want to get Steven back, and I'm sorry for that.
I was jealous of you a little, I guess, and Because I think you're beautiful and talented.
I mean, you're amazing at volleyball, - and everyone in school knows that.
- I am amazing at volleyball.
And then I didn't get the part I wanted, you got that part.
I had to play an inanimate object, and then my dad got a line, and then I had to sing your part from the pit, without getting any credit.
It was just a lot of bad stuff all at once.
Yeah, I guess I didn't see it from your point of view.
Ms.
McNamara told me she just wanted to give me a chance to shine, but I don't shine at singing, I shine at volleyball.
- You really do.
- She also said she was doing this because she thinks you talk too much, and you're always trying to get attention, and that is why she put you in the pit.
- What? - Don't worry, I don't think that stuff about you.
Ms.
McNamara Sucks! - She really does.
I do like the attention I get when I'm in musicals, but not because I love attention or something.
It's because I'm good at musicals.
I know.
It's good to shine at things you shine at.
She also said you're constantly pulling focus, you're a try-hard, and that you're not as whimsical as you think you are.
Wow, there is something very wrong with her.
- Mm-hmm.
- But you may have actually taught me a good lesson.
Next time I see another girl struggling, I should try to help them instead of just thinking about myself.
I should've supported you, like those guys on the Barbara Gail, based on the Andrea Gail.
The best drama really is backstage.
Now, get out there for the finale, and I mean run.
Sometimes one bad thing happens, brother And then another and then another And when you see that big wave just wave That's how we get the ocean to behave And when you don't survive, then make the most Out of being a very, very wet ghost We're all dead now, but who could complain? We had some wicked fun in the Ideal Hurricane.
Hey, look over there.
There's a Dunkin' Donuts in heaven.
Hello, Moon.
Now, before you say anything, I'm totally fine, but I understand if you don't want to let me stay home alone again.
Actually, I consider this a success.
You're alive, and your trap worked.
First time Ham stayed home alone, we found him in the fold-out couch.
I wanted to see what it would feel like to be a remote control.
Hey, a bunch of deer got in here, and they're having a pizza party.
- Get out, guys! Shoo, shoo! - Don't shoo them out, I know those guys.
They're cool.
You can step on a stool To reach something way up high Like a book or a trophy Or even the sky Sometimes you just don't want to kneel Like when you have to milk a cow Or work on a pottery wheel You probably didn't learn this in school But America loves stools Stools can be shaped as circles or even squares They're much more useful than lame old chairs It's seating for one person and that is all No room for anyone else, not even a doll You probably didn't learn this in school But America loves stools!
Can you feel that, Alanis? That certain something in the air? It's audition week for the Lone Moose School musical.
The one time of year that people come together and break into song for no justifiable reason.
That actually happened a lot when I did the Mammary Jamboree in '98.
Whenever we'd have a great meal, Sarah McLachlan would point to her plate and sing: I will remember you.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, interesting, but, to get back to the topic at hand, which is moi, my beloved teacher, Mrs.
Frio, always writes the musical, and I don't want to brag but - You absolutely want to brag.
- I always get the lead.
This year, Mrs.
Frio has written a real doozy.
The Ideal Hurricane: The Musical based on The Perfect Storm, the movie starring George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, which is based on the book of the same name based on the real-life story of the shipwreck of the Andrea Gail off the Massachusetts coast.
Rolls right off the tongue.
And speaking of rolling off the tongue, I'm hoping there's a certain someone who will be cast opposite me as the lead.
Wait, you're not talking about Steven Huang are you? Yes.
Steven and I have such a rich "kiss-tory.
" I mean, we tried to kiss, then we really kissed, and then it just fizzled out, I guess.
But, Judy, Steven is dating that girl Chrissy now, - who plays volleyball, right? - Yes, and I would never break them up, but if Steven and I were cast as the leads in the play, and the romance of the theater just happens to overtake us, well, then, you know, so be it.
Okay.
I got to go do my vocal warm-ups.
Ask me about Alaska's fattest cats in baskets.
And I put the fire out, but my mom and Jamie had to come home early from their wine and paint night.
I know I shouldn't wrap hot dogs in tin foil before I put them in the microwave, - but they just taste better that way.
- Wait, you get to stay home alone when your mom goes out? Has your dad never left you home alone, Moon? No, but there are a lot of people in my family.
They're never all gone at the same time.
I stay home alone once a week.
I get to watch something rated TV-14.
I'm really into Chicago's Finest.
Oh, hey, Steven.
Are you, uh, here to audition for the, uh, musical? Uh, yeah.
How about you? I'm hoping I get the female lead, the role of Diana Lane.
I assume you're auditioning for the male lead, - Martin Whalburg? - Yeah.
Are you coming in? 'Cause we could, um, sit together or-or Oh, actually, I'm waiting for Chrissy, my girlfriend.
She's auditioning, too.
Oh, wonderful! Right, of course.
That's great, in fact.
And a congratulations.
And a best wishes to you both.
Welcome, students, to this year's auditions for the spring musical, The Ideal Hurricane.
Unfortunately, Mrs.
Frio is no longer able to direct the musical she wrote.
She found out last night that she was placed in a very high-profile jury.
I can't say anything specific, but next year's musical may be about the multiple homicide in the Wondering Whale Apartments in Ketchikan.
Luckily, Ms.
McNamara has graciously offered to step in.
The guidance counselor? Ugh.
I had to see her when I started here.
She told me to get out of my comfort zone, so, instead of answering, I just did a very loud fart and then left, and I've never heard from her again.
Hello, students.
You're probably wondering, "Hey, what is the guidance counselor doing directing a musical?" Although I have no experience directing theater, I do have experience helping students shine.
And remember, you can't spell "guidance" without "dance.
" - Oof.
- All right, let's go ahead and get the tryouts started.
In the words of Steven Spielberg, "Action.
" Watch out fish 'cause here we come We got our nets, our bait, our chum We work the high seas, it's scary and rough We catch lots of fish 'Cause we're wicked tough I just want to be one of the guys who dies.
This ain't sailing the tropics But catching those fish Puts money in our pockets We're We're wicked Sorry, I don't think I can sing in front of people.
Do you want to meet me in the green room, and audition just for me? Oh, I didn't know that was allowed, but okay.
Don't be fooled by our Dunkin' Donuts cold brew When it's dark in the night We've got warm arms to hold you Ugh.
I'm not auditioning.
I'm declaring myself to be the stage manager because backstage is where the real drama is.
Yes, you told me before the auditions, and I said it was fine.
You didn't need to come out here.
Oh, didn't I? Hello, I am myself, Judy Tobin.
Hit it, Mr.
Jeffrey.
The undertow might take you You can let it bring you down, or you can Remember my laughter Remember? It's like this Ha-ha-ha-ha.
And sail on back to town, my love - Tonight! - Okay, thank you, Judy.
But I memorized one of the monologues.
I'm goin' down to the yard, Martin.
I'm late for a card game.
I'm supposed to bring the "chowdah.
" All right, okay, yes, yes.
We get it.
Judy Tobin.
How were the auditions today, Judy? I nailed it.
I mean, I really dropped in during my monologue.
It was like I was actually bringing chowder to a card game on the docks, you know? I am looking forward to helping out with the sets again this year.
I loved building the giant ants for Honey I Shrunk the Cast, but to get to build an actual boat? It's gonna be like it's my birthday all month.
And I'm excited because our videography company, Pause For Applause, is finally doing a concert film.
And when we're done, we'll be selling those DVDs to proud parents for $15.
95.
Sign me up for two, one to watch and one to be buried with.
Principal Gibbons said I can do a hurri-cakes concession stand.
And Moon and I will be in the audience front and center.
Actually, Father, it has come to my attention that I'm the only one of my friends who has not been allowed to stay home alone.
Perhaps opening night of the musical would be an ideal time for me to test the waters.
I'll need to see a full presentation of your plans.
Of course.
And don't worry, while I'll be missing opening night, I'll be front and center at the Saturday matinee.
Hooray, hooray, for a "sat-inay.
" All right, thank you all for auditioning.
When I call your name, step forward.
What happened to just posting a list on the bulletin board? I really perfected my surprised but humble face.
First up, Steven Huang.
You will be our Martin Whalburg.
- Oh, wow, thanks.
- Great choice.
Crispin will be our Captain Clooney.
And as our female lead, Diana Lane - Chrissy Carr.
- What? Step forward.
Congratulations, you will be playing the female lead, Diana Lane.
What? Gill Beavers, Stool One.
Fred Lombard, understudying.
And finally, Judy Tobin.
You will have a very important role as Chrissy's understudy.
Understudy? Oh, and a stool.
- A stool? - Oh, wow! Judy, we're both playing stools.
Be stool, my heart.
Ooh, look at that, right on time.
Nailed it, Dad.
I will pick you two up after school.
And, Judy, I will circle back to get you post-rehearsal.
Yeah, okay.
You thinking about going to school, Judy? It's just we start rehearsals today, and I don't even have a line.
I'm playing a stool.
Huh, well, stools are an important part of sitting culture.
Yes, I know, but I'm used to being the lead, Dad.
Ms.
McNamara looked right past me.
I don't get it.
Well, we have a saying in the fishing business, "There are no small fish, only small catchers.
" So, you got a tiny fish this time.
There's probably still some good nutrition on its bones, and if you wait around for a bigger one, you might starve to death.
You know, you're right, Dad.
If I have to be a stool, I'm gonna be the stool that stands out, or sits out.
I'm just gonna stool it.
Well, that's a great "atti-Jude.
" I know you're gonna be the most solid stool on that stage.
I always find the fish, always.
Even when it's hard.
You never steer us wrong, Cap.
I've just got a bad feeling about this.
Martin, tell your girl to chill out.
The Barbara Gail has never let us down.
- And cut.
- Oh, Ms.
McNamara? - Yes, Judy? - You say "cut" for film.
- In the theater, we say "hold.
" - Oh.
Okay, great.
Why don't you hold any more comments until we wrap rehearsal.
Now, you'll all come downstage left and Um, Ms.
McNamara, I'm just not ready to sing in front of everyone yet.
That's okay, Chrissy.
We're not gonna do your number today.
Let's run through the bar scene.
Stools, get on all fours.
Uh, Ms.
McNamara, I invented a backstory for my stool.
I was carved from an oak who lived in a shaded grove for 100 years.
- And the - Okay, okay, okay, Judy.
Chrissy, you'll move over here and sit on Judy.
And, Steven, you'll sit on Gill.
And now, Steven, grab Chrissy's hand and look deep into each other's eyes.
Stools, smiles, please! MS.
McNAMARA: And cut.
In just one week, a storm is a-coming, people.
A storm called opening night.
And I'm stool here.
Thank you all for gathering to hear my plans to stay home alone.
This presentation has taken me three weeks to prepare, and I know by the end of it, you'll agree that I am perfectly capable of staying home alone.
Herein, you will find drawings of every potential intruder and my plan to combat them.
Let us begin with the scuba divers fresh off the submarine that are trying to steal our chimney.
- I'm listening - But wait, there's more, one of them is Edward Snowden.
The Barbara Gail is our true devotion It's not the size of the boat No, sir, nope, but what she does In the ocean, we make our home In Gloucester, Mass All hail, Barbara Gail - Let's raise a glass! - MS.
McNAMARA: And cut.
- Uh, excuse me.
- Yes, Mr.
Tobin? Just know that a winch would never be this close to the helm of a boat.
We had to move it a bit so Steven could swing.
Understood.
I just wouldn't want to give kids the wrong idea about winches.
Young people are going through enough as it is.
Also You'd never use a pivoting-fluke anchor in seas that deep.
It could be dangerous.
The way you said that gives me an idea.
After Steven says, "Drop the pivoting fluke anchor," what if you said, "Could be dangerous.
" Wait, what? No.
Like, as a line in the play? Is she really giving my dad a line? He's not even a student.
Great.
Great.
Great, great, great, great, great, great, great.
Beef, I know it's out of your comfort zone, but it'd be a real treat to have an actual fisherperson in the show.
Why don't you head back with John and find a costume.
Perfect, now my dad has more lines than me.
This situation could not possibly get worse! All right, Chrissy, now I know you haven't been comfortable singing, but we really need to get this duet up on its feet.
Remember, no one is judging.
Right, team? Mr.
Jeffrey.
I love you almost as much As Fenway Park You're my Funky Bunch, I'm your Marky Mark Wait for me, I'll be back with the crew We already lost Tom Brady I ain't gonna lose you I'll miss everything About you Is she summoning the dead? I swear I just felt a ghost pass through me.
Tonight, I wave - I'm sorry, I-I just can't.
I can't.
- Uh, everyone, um, just practice the opening number with Mr.
Jeffrey while I talk to Chrissy.
Judy, - can you come with me? - Oh, my God, it's happening.
- Hi.
Sorry.
I just don't - Chrissy, no need to apologize.
I think I have a solution, and it involves Judy.
Yes, as Chrissy's understudy, I've been doing my vocal exercises and drinking throat-coat tea because this is my musical instrument, and I keep her at the ready.
So, if Chrissy feels she cannot - do the part, of course I can.
- Judy.
Judy! What I was going to say is, Judy, let's have you sing all of Chrissy's songs from the orchestra pit while Chrissy lip-syncs them onstage.
- What? - Chrissy's doing fine with her lines, and now the songs will be great, too.
- But -Uh, Ms.
McNamara, how do you like this for Mr.
Tobin? I could take the parrot off his shoulder, but I love the way it contrasts with his inherent personal dignity, so you'll remove it over my dead body.
Understood.
Beef and Chrissy, you head to the stage.
Judy, you go on down to the pit.
And you might want to wear a hat, people tend to throw gum down there.
Judy? Judy? You've been out here for 15 minutes and haven't said a word.
- Have I? - Do you want to talk about it? No.
I don't want to talk about it.
I want to I want to Sing about it Oh, Alanis, here's the thing You know I love doing the musical Because I get to sing I thought I'd be the lead, and I truly believed That I'd get back together with my ex-boyfriend Steve Was he ever really your boyfriend, though? No, but it fit the meter of the line, Alanis.
Okay, I've been there.
That's why I sang, "Would she go you-know-what on you in a theater," when it was actually a Ross Dress for Less.
Okay, thank you, Alanis.
Talk about cruel, I was cast as a stool And that's when I saw the clouds gathering The clouds of my own perfect storm No, wait, my own ideal hurricane.
No, wait, my own exemplary typhoon.
Oh, it's an exemplary typhoon - Why did I go out? - Why did I row out? In the exemplary typhoon I went through weeks and weeks and weeks Of Chrissy's butt cheeks on my back And then your dad got a line And you thought that you were really gonna crack But then, for a moment, the sea calmed.
I heard Chrissy's voice.
Ew.
- And I thought I'd finally get the part.
- And maybe Steven's heart.
But, no, she'll be up there on the stage And I'll be singing in the dark Oh, it's an exemplary typhoon The show must go on, so I must row on In the exemplary Typhoon.
Well, I guess tomorrow night I'm just gonna have to let myself drown in wave after wave of humiliation.
Couldn't you steer the boat towards Chrissy? - In the spirit of friend - Towards Chrissy, yes! And then in front of Chrissy.
Uh, wait, what'd you say, Jude? Great idea, Alanis.
I'm gonna come up from the pit and sing Chrissy's part standing in front of her, so everyone knows it's me and get Steven back.
Thanks, Alanis.
No, no, no, no, no, nope, not what I meant.
Uh-oh, there she goes.
I sure hope my meringue waves don't collapse in the van on the way to the theater.
We're gonna need to drive slowly.
Wonderful, that will give me ample time to agonize over my one line.
"Could be dangerous," or, "Could be dangerous!" Mm, those both sound wrong.
Regardless of what you choose, we're gonna do a star wipe right there to really focus on you.
And we'll add a music cue, maybe Toni Braxton.
Well, I'm all set.
I watched the movies you guys recommended.
Home Alone, 127 Hours, and The Devil Wears Prada.
I've set up booby traps all around the house, packed water and snacks in my backpack in case I get trapped under a rock, and I'm prepared to throw my phone in a fountain to show Miranda Priestly that I am still my own woman.
I also watched Cast Away and then drew a face on this hockey puck, like Tom Hanks did with that volleyball.
So I'll be home alone, but not home a-lonely.
Ready Bobby readies better butter for the babies.
Ten minutes, everybody.
- Thank you, ten.
- MS.
McNAMARA: Actors, if I can get your attention, please.
I just got word that Steven Huang and Fred Lombard, his understudy, were snow machining when an elk stepped into their path.
- Oh, no, Steven! - MS.
McNAMARA: They're basically fine, but Fred has a concussion, and Steven sprained both of his feet and cannot dance or stand.
Since Steven is the lead and Fred is his understudy, my only option is to cancel the performance.
No! I love this.
The drama, not the fact that Steven and Fred were in an accident.
My condolences.
Look at all those potatoes.
Being alone on Mars is easy.
Still no intruders.
You're nailing this, Moon.
Huh? Hey, squirrel, what are you doing in my bucket full of glue foot trap? It's for adult human burglars.
Whoa! Uh-oh.
Well, there's no getting out of here.
I'm just that good.
Well, I guess I'll go out and tell the audience the show is canceled.
Ms.
McNamara, wait.
I actually know all of Steven's lines and all of his songs.
- You do? - Yes, and everyone else's lines and all the choreography, and I memorized the program.
What I'm saying is, I can go on for Steven.
But you're supposed to sing for Chrissy from the pit.
Right, and I can still sing her song, but onstage.
I'll just turn my head upstage like this, - and Chrissy can move her mouth.
- Amazing choice.
So, instead of singing in the pit, I'm going to be singing both leads - onstage in front of everyone.
- Yes, I guess you would be, and getting all the attention you were craving.
Well, does everyone want to go ahead with the show? - Okay, then.
- Places, everyone.
Places, everyone.
Why are you all just standing here? Stools, get onstage and crouch.
- Drop the pivoting fluke anchor.
- Could be dangerous.
- Get it, Beef.
- That's my dad! Martin, why don't you go grab two more nets from the dock? Whatever you need, Cap.
I'm on it.
Remember, we got a boat to get ready, so no sneaking around with your girl.
Oh, right, my girl.
Tomorrow, I head out To the Grand Banks with this crew So, tonight, I wave goodbye to you It's not safe out there, that's what I truly believe Why don't you stay right here I hate when you leave I'll be back, I always return Just tired and dirty with a sunburn You know you're my destiny, but what if The worst happens? It's just the sea, so let's go out and have a brew 'Cause, tonight, I wave goodbye to you - Put me down.
- Are you kidding? They're eating it up.
Tonight I wave Goodbye To you.
Hey, Chrissy, there you are.
I know we have to be on for the finale soon, but I just wanted to tell you how great you were out there.
We made such a great team.
You know, I actually almost did something tonight that would've hurt your feelings, and I'm really glad that I didn't because Wait, are you crying? Why didn't you just let Ms.
McNamara cancel the show? Now Steven saw you do his part and my part.
He's probably going to fall back in love with you.
Me? No.
Steven likes you.
What are you talking about? This whole thing has just been so humiliating for me.
I mean, I just auditioned to have something to do with Steven for fun, since it's not volleyball season right now, and then Ms.
McNamara gave me the lead, which I didn't even want.
Then she made me sing in front of people, even though I cannot sing.
And then she gave my song to my boyfriend's beautiful and talented kind of ex-girlfriend, and everything was just like a like a a perfect storm.
Huh.
I've been feeling the exact same way.
- You have? - I have to be honest.
I did kind of want to get Steven back, and I'm sorry for that.
I was jealous of you a little, I guess, and Because I think you're beautiful and talented.
I mean, you're amazing at volleyball, - and everyone in school knows that.
- I am amazing at volleyball.
And then I didn't get the part I wanted, you got that part.
I had to play an inanimate object, and then my dad got a line, and then I had to sing your part from the pit, without getting any credit.
It was just a lot of bad stuff all at once.
Yeah, I guess I didn't see it from your point of view.
Ms.
McNamara told me she just wanted to give me a chance to shine, but I don't shine at singing, I shine at volleyball.
- You really do.
- She also said she was doing this because she thinks you talk too much, and you're always trying to get attention, and that is why she put you in the pit.
- What? - Don't worry, I don't think that stuff about you.
Ms.
McNamara Sucks! - She really does.
I do like the attention I get when I'm in musicals, but not because I love attention or something.
It's because I'm good at musicals.
I know.
It's good to shine at things you shine at.
She also said you're constantly pulling focus, you're a try-hard, and that you're not as whimsical as you think you are.
Wow, there is something very wrong with her.
- Mm-hmm.
- But you may have actually taught me a good lesson.
Next time I see another girl struggling, I should try to help them instead of just thinking about myself.
I should've supported you, like those guys on the Barbara Gail, based on the Andrea Gail.
The best drama really is backstage.
Now, get out there for the finale, and I mean run.
Sometimes one bad thing happens, brother And then another and then another And when you see that big wave just wave That's how we get the ocean to behave And when you don't survive, then make the most Out of being a very, very wet ghost We're all dead now, but who could complain? We had some wicked fun in the Ideal Hurricane.
Hey, look over there.
There's a Dunkin' Donuts in heaven.
Hello, Moon.
Now, before you say anything, I'm totally fine, but I understand if you don't want to let me stay home alone again.
Actually, I consider this a success.
You're alive, and your trap worked.
First time Ham stayed home alone, we found him in the fold-out couch.
I wanted to see what it would feel like to be a remote control.
Hey, a bunch of deer got in here, and they're having a pizza party.
- Get out, guys! Shoo, shoo! - Don't shoo them out, I know those guys.
They're cool.
You can step on a stool To reach something way up high Like a book or a trophy Or even the sky Sometimes you just don't want to kneel Like when you have to milk a cow Or work on a pottery wheel You probably didn't learn this in school But America loves stools Stools can be shaped as circles or even squares They're much more useful than lame old chairs It's seating for one person and that is all No room for anyone else, not even a doll You probably didn't learn this in school But America loves stools!