The Mick (2017) s02e14 Episode Script
The Church
1 MICKEY: 31, 30, - 29, 28 you better hustle.
- ALBA: Ah! - I'm gonna make it! - Not a chance in hell.
- What are you doing? - Oh, you guys, Alba bet me a hundred bucks that she could go to the store, grab some smokes and be back in under five minutes.
- That's impossible.
- I know! That's what I keep telling her.
Ugh, she's smoking again? I-I don't keep track of what she does anymore.
[SHOUTS.]
Coming in hot! You're never gonna make it.
You might as well just give up.
No! Never! - [CACKLING.]
- All right.
Ten, - nine, eight - [ENGINE REVVING.]
- seven, six - Here I come whoa! No! - [CRASHES.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Alba! [MICKEY GASPS.]
[ALBA GRUNTING.]
- Whoa! - Yeah! Whoa! Amazing! MICKEY: All right oh.
[MONITOR BEEPING.]
There she is.
How are you feeling? I'm alive? Oh, you have no idea how lucky you are.
Yeah, wish we could say the same for the Maserati.
You frickin' accordioned it.
That's the third car you've crashed this month.
All right.
Ease up.
You brats have plenty of cars.
There's only one Alba.
They're right though: you're gonna die.
I am out of control.
- Yeah.
- I need to go to rehab.
- Oh, send me to the Promises in Malibu.
- No.
I-I don't believe in rehab.
It's ruined too many great musicians.
It sucks the zip out of you.
I don't want you to lose your zip, Alba.
I just want you to not die.
I huffed shoe polish yesterday.
[ALL GROANING.]
- Not in front of the kid.
- Well Hey, Ben, you want to go grab some candy out of the vending machine? - Okay.
- Okay.
- [MOANS.]
Mickey, I need help.
- All right, well, you do what every normal person does, and you go to church.
Since when are you so religious? I'm not religious at all, but I like church.
Free donuts, coffee.
Little wine to take the edge off.
Then you confess all the bad stuff you did and go home guilt-free, ready to do it all over again.
Didn't your parents make you go to church? Yeah, they forced us when we were little.
I hated church.
It was the worst.
Yeah, you're supposed to hate it.
Then you feel great once you get through it.
You got to go to church sometimes.
But I don't believe in God.
- Yeah, neither do I.
That's not the point.
- No.
- Isn't that the entire point? - No, the point is to make yourself feel better, reset the dials a little bit.
And Alba, when you go back to church this weekend, we're all gonna go with you.
I think our souls could all use a little oil change.
[ORGAN PLAYING.]
So this is God's house? That's the general idea.
Cool.
Where's the kitchen? I bet he has great snacks.
No more questions for now, okay, pal? Yeah, the show's about to start.
[MUFFLED.]
: Okay, here we go.
Excuse me.
Hot coffee, coming at ya.
Watch it, move those feet.
Here you go.
- Oh.
- What? - It's hot.
- I told you.
Got you a donut.
- Coconut.
- Yeah, they're free.
I feel like Jesus is looking down on me in judgment.
Jesus doesn't judge, that's his whole thing.
ZACH: Please rise.
About time.
Can't wait to see this bloated sack of potatoes they yanked off the can to emcee this thing.
Weird.
It's some young bro.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
ALL: Amen.
The Lord be with you.
ALL: And also with you.
Good morning.
Welcome.
Happy Sunday Funday.
I am Father Zach.
Father Z, if you prefer.
And to kick things off, I thought, why don't we turn to thy neighbor, and say "what's up?" - Go ahead and give him a dap.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Dap it out.
I'll wait.
He's kind of a dork, but I like the energy - in here, you know? - Yeah.
Before we begin, please silence your cell phones.
Unless you're posting a photo of me, in which case, please, pick a good filter.
[LAUGHING.]
: Whoa.
Dude's got jokes.
Okay.
Let us pray.
BEN: I don't get it.
The show's over? Where's God? He's, uh, everywhere.
Why can't we see him? I just wanted to say hi.
Well, you can, you know? He's in that candle, right there.
So God lives inside the candle? Well, he's not literally inside of it.
I mean, the candle represents God's presence in the church.
So they built this whole house for a candle to live in? Well, no.
I mean, when you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous, but - Has anybody even seen God? - JIMMY: Okay, Ben, you're seeing God.
All right? He's in the candle.
[GASPS.]
I don't think I believe in God.
- Little psycho.
- Yeah.
- Doesn't feel right.
- No.
It sounds smart and progressive when we say it, but we're adults.
He's a kid; he's not ready for that yet.
At that age, you got to be terrified of something to keep you from becoming a jackass.
We got to nip this in the bud.
[QUIETLY.]
: The "butt," actually.
It certainly is good to see you, Father.
Father Zach? - That's me.
- Hi.
Mickey Molng.
This is my friend Alba.
She's a world-class sinner.
And we're, uh, wondering if you got time for a quick confession.
I-I haven't been to Mass in quite some time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, you're always welcome back.
Can I just say, I thought religion was just a load of crap, but that was a pretty great set.
- I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- I'm so surprised how young you are.
I thought priests were, like, what? 90? Oh, we have one of those.
Yeah.
Father McCormick is our head pastor.
Think he's pushing about a thousand now, but he's still killing it.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[MCCORMICK SCOFFS.]
I bet.
Okay, um - I'm gonna head out.
- You're welcome to stay.
Maybe God brought you here for a reason, too.
[LAUGHING.]
: Well, that's very sweet, but I brought myself here.
In a Porsche 911 Turbo.
So tell God thank you very much, but I'm all set.
Gonna go burn off some of that good karma.
Have fun.
So let me, let me ask you a question.
Are you, like, are you writing your own stuff, or are you just, like, pulling that out of your ass? Depends on the day.
Ha! [CHUCKLES.]
[SLURRING.]
: There we go.
Oh, yeah.
Hello, you.
I'll take that.
Make a sandwich.
Don't play hard to get with me.
I will find you.
Okay, lettuce there.
I'm healthy.
Let's see - Tomato - ALBA: Uh, Mickey? Oh, good Lord.
Alba, you brought home the Lord.
Well, after all that confessing, it really worked up an appetite, so I invited Father Zach over for dinner.
It's so good to see you again.
I'm not drunk.
All right.
You want me to make you something? No, I-I want to I'm gonna make it.
Ah, it's so late though.
[CLEARING THROAT.]
: Right? I'm gonna make it in my bed.
- Can I give you a hand with? - No, I'm good.
I just Good evening to you both.
What time is it? 6:00 a.
m.
Why are we up? Well, because we've got a breakfast date with the Lord.
Really? What's for breakfast? Well, there isn't any food per se, but that's all right, because we are going to feast on this.
- [WAVES CRASHING.]
- Huh? I mean, come on.
Tell me that's not proof of God right there.
- The sunrise? - Yeah, well It's not just a sunrise; I mean, those blazing oranges and those simmering pinks, those brilliant reds Who do you think made those colors? My teacher said it's because of smog.
Did God make smog? Uh yeah, I guess he did.
- But I thought smog was bad? - Let's-let's back up.
Humans are responsible for smog.
But then, you know, God made humans, so I guess God made smog and then turned it into a beautiful sunrise.
So, God kind of makes everything? - Exactly.
- Yeah.
- What about trees? - Yeah.
- Dogs? - Sure.
What about poop? Yeah, okay.
Even diarrhea? You know what? Let's just leave it here for the day.
Yeah, let's just take a minute to gather our thoughts and, for now, enjoy the sunrise.
All right, I'll stare at the smog.
Ugh, I feel like I've been hit by a bus.
Ooh.
What's this? Why, it's Sunday.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know how much you like to watch your football.
- This is all for me? - Yeah.
Aw, man, that's so sweet.
I knew a little church would be good for you.
- Ah - Look at you being all of service.
- Nah, nah, it's nothing.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Ugh.
Make it stop.
- Yeah.
I-I go get it.
[SPORTSCASTER SPEAKING ON TV.]
[ALBA LAUGHS.]
Look who's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing? What's he doing here? Yeah, I invited him.
You know, I think that Father Zach is a bigger Pats fan than you are.
[LAUGHS.]
And on the eighth day, God made Tom Brady.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Yeah.
Isn't football a little rough for a priest? With all the concussions and murderers.
No, the big hits are the best part of the game.
Plus, these guys are getting paid millions of dollars.
This CTE business, I mean, they know what they're getting into.
Plus, they're wearing helmets.
- Hey, does anyone want a beer? - Mm [CLEARS THROAT.]
No.
No, thank you.
I would love one.
- Is that all right? - No, here.
[LAUGHS.]
- I'll get you an opener.
- No, no, no, no.
Got one with me.
Whoa, that's cool.
[LAUGHS.]
Father Z? What are you doing here? What's up, Chip? I'm just watching Tom Brady spread the gospel.
[WHISTLES.]
You rocking the new Durants? Good eye, bro.
My vertical's insane now.
You hoop? I played a little college ball at UConn, but I mostly rode the bench.
- You want to shoot around at halftime? - Hell yeah.
- What a great kid.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, come on, you got to wrap up on those tackles! All right, let's go, TB.
Let's get back in this thing.
Yeah, let's go.
Here we go, Pats! [SPORTSCASTER CONTINUES SPEAKING ON TV.]
All right, Ben.
Sometimes a higher being doesn't always present itself to you in a church or a sunset.
A spiritual experience can find you when you least expect it.
Now, for me, it was The String Cheese Incident.
Red Rocks, '96.
They played for seven straight hours in 108 degree heat.
A set so divine and filled with love that your little mind couldn't possibly grasp it through mere description.
Luckily, big ol' Jimbo bootlegged it.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON LAPTOP.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
This is God? Well, i-it is if you're a drug addict and you like to listen to 40-minute-long songs and spin around in circles until you have a seizure.
[LAUGHS.]
Shh.
JIMMY [ON RECORDING.]
: Geez, I'm shredded tonight.
- MAN: Let me get some of that K.
- JIMMY: No can do.
- Already took it.
- All of it? Dude, not cool.
- You were supposed to drive back.
- JIMMY: I'm fine.
It doesn't sound very good.
Well, yeah, I mean the speakers aren't great, you know.
You need a woofer to really capture the essence of their sound.
Some ketamine would help, too.
Okay.
You know what? When the glockenspiel comes in, you're really gonna understand.
No offense, but if this is God, I don't think I'm a fan.
Yeah, that went well.
If he's not gonna open his mind, then there's not a lot I can do for him.
I don't know.
Maybe it's too late.
We're just going about this too abstract.
You know, I mean, think about it like Santa Claus.
You don't explain to a kid the physics of some fatso cramming his ass down seven billion chimneys in a night.
No, of course not.
You-you just drive him to the mall, get his picture taken with some child molester, and eat a couple of his cookies before he wakes up.
Ben wants to see God let's show him God.
Dude, your stroke is frickin' wet from behind the arc.
Don't tell me you can dunk, too.
Don't worry, I won't.
I'll just show you.
Oh! Wow! What?! Oh, my God.
How did you do that? It's hot out here, man.
Damn! Father's got mad ink.
You look like frickin' John Wick.
I didn't know priests could get tatted up like that.
Yeah, it sounds like you got some misconceptions about the church.
You think it's all sinners and judgment.
But the way I see it, every Sunday, God throws a kick-ass house party and all the sinners are invited.
I mean, I-I will admit, it does look cool to be center stage like that.
- Yeah.
- You must feel like a frickin' rock star.
No, no, no, no.
God's the real rock star.
I just feel like I'm a DJ remixing his hottest jams.
[LAUGHS.]
That's all right.
That's all right.
- Yeah.
- You know what? I did have an altar boy drop out this weekend.
If you feel like subbing on Sunday.
Uh no-no offense, but those white dresses are are kind of lame.
You know, when you're up there, you're feeling all that energy, it doesn't matter what you wear.
You're cloaked in God's love, son.
Off the glass.
[SQUEALS.]
: Whoa! [BEER CAN OPENS.]
ALBA: Mickey? What is going on? You don't just sneak up on somebody [BURPS.]
like that, you know what I mean? If you wanted a beer, why didn't you just say so? Because I can't be myself in front of that guy.
He makes me uncomfortable.
It's like driving next to a cop.
- Well, he's just a priest.
- He's not.
- He's not just a priest.
- Well Priests don't wear normal clothes and play basketball.
They're old and ugly and mean and boring.
You are the one who told me to go to him.
Yes.
I told you to go to him.
Maybe once or something, not bring him in here.
I think you are overreacting.
Okay, well, how's this for overreacting? I forbid you to ever see him again.
- Mm-hmm.
- Father Zach has been so helpful to me in my darkest hour.
That's what they do.
They find the weakest person they can - and make them feel like the chosen one.
- CHIP: Yo! Guess who Father Z hand-selected to be his new altar boy? This guy! - [LAUGHS.]
- Hey, now! Let's just hope he praises better than he dribbles.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- You're right.
- I got to work on that.
- You're doing okay.
You're doing okay.
- Ah, it could be better.
Oh! - ALBA: That's good.
Oh! - That's tight, huh? - Such a great whoa! Ah! [LAUGHING.]
Look it, I got it.
And I gave it back.
- Father McCormick? - Yes.
Hi, I'm Mickey, new to your parish.
Do you have a second? - Yes, please come in.
- Thank you.
Listen, um, I got a problem with one of your priests.
N-Not a kid problem.
Oh, no, sorry.
It's about Father Zach.
He's not who he says he is.
That man is leading a double life.
I see.
Uh, please, go on.
Just yesterday, in my home, I watched him drink upwards of two beers.
Oh.
Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
You sure about that? - Oh, I'm quite certain.
- [DRAWER OPENS.]
Nothing wrong with an occasional libation.
Oh.
Would you? Is it a trick? - No.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Well, he was definitely not wearing his uniform.
That's got to be some sort of infraction.
Well, I don't think that is.
No, no.
I'm sorry, is there something I can help you with? Yes, you can, you can help me get rid of the guy, you know.
I-I don't like him.
I-I he rubs me the wrong way and something's off.
Look, between you and me, I'm also not a fan.
But unfortunately, there's nothing I can do.
What are you talking about? You're the pastor.
You know, you're the boss around here.
N-Not the boss-boss, but-but you're pretty high up there.
It's not that simple.
Since Zachary joined our parish, we've had quite the spike in donations.
I see.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
So it's a money thing.
Now you're speaking my language.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Here you go.
What's that? That's a Porsche 911 Turbo.
Got a quarter tank of gas and it's parked right out front in a handicapped spot, nice and easy for you.
Well, that's very kind, but I'm not quite sure what the church would do with a Porsche.
I myself rarely drive.
Eh, you'll pick it right up or sell it for parts.
Hell, drive it straight to heaven for all I care.
Just please transfer him.
Well, there is an opening in Baltimore.
Baltimore.
Love Baltimore.
Beautiful city.
Stone crabs.
Well, I don't know.
Oh, come on.
Give yourself a little credit.
I think you do know.
But don't do it for me.
Do it for this guy.
I'll leave you two alone.
Mull it over.
[ORGAN PLAYING.]
Ave Maria Gratia plena JIMMY [WHISPERING.]
: Mick.
ALBA AND ZACH: Maria grátia pléna [WHISPERING.]
: What are you doing here? Just came to enjoy the show.
Got a feeling it's gonna be a good one.
Ah, you bet your sweet little ass it is.
Okay.
How you doing, buddy? Good.
Even though God isn't real, I still like the songs and stuff.
Nice.
Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that.
You keep your eyes peeled, you might just see him.
Yeah.
I-I'm having second thoughts.
Yeah, don't be nervous.
I'm not nervous.
It's just an idiotic plan.
Okay, you know what? We're here, so we're doing it.
ZACH: Thank you, Alba.
That sounded so beautiful.
Before we begin, I have some unfortunate news to share with all of you.
[QUIETLY.]
: Yeah.
Enjoy Baltimore, bitch.
[SNICKERS.]
Father McCormick was in a car accident last night.
- [PEOPLE GASP.]
- He drove a Porsche into a pond.
Uh, miraculously, he survived.
Oh, come on, old man.
So let's please all keep him in our prayers.
- Oh - And in the meantime, I will be serving as your head pastor.
Oh, well, this is just great.
For today's sermon, I'd like to talk to you about temptation.
It's everywhere, folks.
Serpents slither among us and takes many forms.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Apparent strangers, coworkers, even so-called friends.
Okay, okay.
You can stop dancing around.
- I'm the serpent he's talking about.
- [PEOPLE MURMURING.]
I'm the one who gave McCormick the Porsche.
Wha? Why would you do that? So he would cast this man out of our lives and into the fiery streets of Baltimore.
Damn it, Mickey.
- Those aren't your cars to give.
- Silence, Sabrina! You, Father "Z," you're the real serpent.
Just slither around my house, being all casual about religion, not taking it seriously.
ZACH: I take it very seriously.
- MICKEY: Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I'm a priest.
Well, whoever you are, Zach, beer-drinking basketball buddy.
Yeah, whatever mask you choose to wear right now.
You've turned my friend into something I don't even recognize anymore.
She has a very serious drinking problem.
Okay, well, now she has a very serious church problem.
You don't see you just took one addiction and replaced it with another? I'm just trying not to die.
Well, news flash: you are gonna die.
- You're all gonna die.
- [PEOPLE GASPING.]
Not, I mean, not right now.
I'm not gonna That's not what I meant.
You're safe for now.
I'm not gonna do anything.
[SIGHS.]
She's right.
This is idiotic.
If you accept God into your heart, you'll walk with him in the kingdom of heaven.
Oh, yeah? Okay, cool.
You got proof of that? - I see proof of God every day.
- Do you? I-I-I can't wait to see it.
Show me.
Please.
Excited to see the proof.
Go ahead.
Let's see it.
- [FLAME ROARS.]
- Aah! Oh.
Ooh, that's hot.
Oh, my [SCREAMS.]
How can you just stand there? I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Oh, my God! - [MICKEY SCREAMS.]
- [PEOPLE GASPING.]
- Oh, no.
Oh, no! - [JIMMY GRUNTING.]
[SHOUTING.]
[DEEP VOICE.]
: Stay in school, Ben.
[GASPS.]
She's awake.
I'm alive? - By the grace of God.
- BEN: It was so cool.
God smited you because you were being blasphemous, but then he saved you because he's merciful and forgiving, but then, he pointed right at me and told me to work extra hard in school.
And now, I'm gonna be the Pope when I grow up.
[QUIETLY.]
: Okay, we might've laid too strong of a foundation.
I mean, he literally witnessed God perform a miracle.
[QUIETLY.]
: Yeah, we can blow that up in about two seconds.
I think I'm done with church.
You know, I got way too extreme.
I got to stop that.
From now on, I'm just gonna be chill.
I'm just gonna be super chill.
I'm gonna start meditating, doing yoga.
All right, Alba, you're getting extreme about being chill.
It's happening again.
Yeah, you're right.
I got to chill out.
Yeah, I think I'm done with church, too.
Father Z's just a bummer.
Such a waste of talent.
He could be out there waxing ass, but instead he's like, "No, we just feed bread to old people.
" Forget that place.
Mm.
I don't know.
I might go back.
What? I-I feel like I've been reborn, you know? Like I've gotten a-a new lease on life and [SIGHS.]
if that's not proof of God, I don't know what is.
Yeah, it's either that or the morphine.
Hmm? They've been pumping you full of that stuff for hours.
I told them not to hold back.
She can take it.
Oh, that's nice.
Okay, well, Alba, be an angel and, uh, hit me again.
- Yeah, I got you.
I got you.
- [BUTTON BEEPS.]
- There you go.
- Mmm.
- ALBA: Ah! - I'm gonna make it! - Not a chance in hell.
- What are you doing? - Oh, you guys, Alba bet me a hundred bucks that she could go to the store, grab some smokes and be back in under five minutes.
- That's impossible.
- I know! That's what I keep telling her.
Ugh, she's smoking again? I-I don't keep track of what she does anymore.
[SHOUTS.]
Coming in hot! You're never gonna make it.
You might as well just give up.
No! Never! - [CACKLING.]
- All right.
Ten, - nine, eight - [ENGINE REVVING.]
- seven, six - Here I come whoa! No! - [CRASHES.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Alba! [MICKEY GASPS.]
[ALBA GRUNTING.]
- Whoa! - Yeah! Whoa! Amazing! MICKEY: All right oh.
[MONITOR BEEPING.]
There she is.
How are you feeling? I'm alive? Oh, you have no idea how lucky you are.
Yeah, wish we could say the same for the Maserati.
You frickin' accordioned it.
That's the third car you've crashed this month.
All right.
Ease up.
You brats have plenty of cars.
There's only one Alba.
They're right though: you're gonna die.
I am out of control.
- Yeah.
- I need to go to rehab.
- Oh, send me to the Promises in Malibu.
- No.
I-I don't believe in rehab.
It's ruined too many great musicians.
It sucks the zip out of you.
I don't want you to lose your zip, Alba.
I just want you to not die.
I huffed shoe polish yesterday.
[ALL GROANING.]
- Not in front of the kid.
- Well Hey, Ben, you want to go grab some candy out of the vending machine? - Okay.
- Okay.
- [MOANS.]
Mickey, I need help.
- All right, well, you do what every normal person does, and you go to church.
Since when are you so religious? I'm not religious at all, but I like church.
Free donuts, coffee.
Little wine to take the edge off.
Then you confess all the bad stuff you did and go home guilt-free, ready to do it all over again.
Didn't your parents make you go to church? Yeah, they forced us when we were little.
I hated church.
It was the worst.
Yeah, you're supposed to hate it.
Then you feel great once you get through it.
You got to go to church sometimes.
But I don't believe in God.
- Yeah, neither do I.
That's not the point.
- No.
- Isn't that the entire point? - No, the point is to make yourself feel better, reset the dials a little bit.
And Alba, when you go back to church this weekend, we're all gonna go with you.
I think our souls could all use a little oil change.
[ORGAN PLAYING.]
So this is God's house? That's the general idea.
Cool.
Where's the kitchen? I bet he has great snacks.
No more questions for now, okay, pal? Yeah, the show's about to start.
[MUFFLED.]
: Okay, here we go.
Excuse me.
Hot coffee, coming at ya.
Watch it, move those feet.
Here you go.
- Oh.
- What? - It's hot.
- I told you.
Got you a donut.
- Coconut.
- Yeah, they're free.
I feel like Jesus is looking down on me in judgment.
Jesus doesn't judge, that's his whole thing.
ZACH: Please rise.
About time.
Can't wait to see this bloated sack of potatoes they yanked off the can to emcee this thing.
Weird.
It's some young bro.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
ALL: Amen.
The Lord be with you.
ALL: And also with you.
Good morning.
Welcome.
Happy Sunday Funday.
I am Father Zach.
Father Z, if you prefer.
And to kick things off, I thought, why don't we turn to thy neighbor, and say "what's up?" - Go ahead and give him a dap.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Dap it out.
I'll wait.
He's kind of a dork, but I like the energy - in here, you know? - Yeah.
Before we begin, please silence your cell phones.
Unless you're posting a photo of me, in which case, please, pick a good filter.
[LAUGHING.]
: Whoa.
Dude's got jokes.
Okay.
Let us pray.
BEN: I don't get it.
The show's over? Where's God? He's, uh, everywhere.
Why can't we see him? I just wanted to say hi.
Well, you can, you know? He's in that candle, right there.
So God lives inside the candle? Well, he's not literally inside of it.
I mean, the candle represents God's presence in the church.
So they built this whole house for a candle to live in? Well, no.
I mean, when you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous, but - Has anybody even seen God? - JIMMY: Okay, Ben, you're seeing God.
All right? He's in the candle.
[GASPS.]
I don't think I believe in God.
- Little psycho.
- Yeah.
- Doesn't feel right.
- No.
It sounds smart and progressive when we say it, but we're adults.
He's a kid; he's not ready for that yet.
At that age, you got to be terrified of something to keep you from becoming a jackass.
We got to nip this in the bud.
[QUIETLY.]
: The "butt," actually.
It certainly is good to see you, Father.
Father Zach? - That's me.
- Hi.
Mickey Molng.
This is my friend Alba.
She's a world-class sinner.
And we're, uh, wondering if you got time for a quick confession.
I-I haven't been to Mass in quite some time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, you're always welcome back.
Can I just say, I thought religion was just a load of crap, but that was a pretty great set.
- I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- I'm so surprised how young you are.
I thought priests were, like, what? 90? Oh, we have one of those.
Yeah.
Father McCormick is our head pastor.
Think he's pushing about a thousand now, but he's still killing it.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[MCCORMICK SCOFFS.]
I bet.
Okay, um - I'm gonna head out.
- You're welcome to stay.
Maybe God brought you here for a reason, too.
[LAUGHING.]
: Well, that's very sweet, but I brought myself here.
In a Porsche 911 Turbo.
So tell God thank you very much, but I'm all set.
Gonna go burn off some of that good karma.
Have fun.
So let me, let me ask you a question.
Are you, like, are you writing your own stuff, or are you just, like, pulling that out of your ass? Depends on the day.
Ha! [CHUCKLES.]
[SLURRING.]
: There we go.
Oh, yeah.
Hello, you.
I'll take that.
Make a sandwich.
Don't play hard to get with me.
I will find you.
Okay, lettuce there.
I'm healthy.
Let's see - Tomato - ALBA: Uh, Mickey? Oh, good Lord.
Alba, you brought home the Lord.
Well, after all that confessing, it really worked up an appetite, so I invited Father Zach over for dinner.
It's so good to see you again.
I'm not drunk.
All right.
You want me to make you something? No, I-I want to I'm gonna make it.
Ah, it's so late though.
[CLEARING THROAT.]
: Right? I'm gonna make it in my bed.
- Can I give you a hand with? - No, I'm good.
I just Good evening to you both.
What time is it? 6:00 a.
m.
Why are we up? Well, because we've got a breakfast date with the Lord.
Really? What's for breakfast? Well, there isn't any food per se, but that's all right, because we are going to feast on this.
- [WAVES CRASHING.]
- Huh? I mean, come on.
Tell me that's not proof of God right there.
- The sunrise? - Yeah, well It's not just a sunrise; I mean, those blazing oranges and those simmering pinks, those brilliant reds Who do you think made those colors? My teacher said it's because of smog.
Did God make smog? Uh yeah, I guess he did.
- But I thought smog was bad? - Let's-let's back up.
Humans are responsible for smog.
But then, you know, God made humans, so I guess God made smog and then turned it into a beautiful sunrise.
So, God kind of makes everything? - Exactly.
- Yeah.
- What about trees? - Yeah.
- Dogs? - Sure.
What about poop? Yeah, okay.
Even diarrhea? You know what? Let's just leave it here for the day.
Yeah, let's just take a minute to gather our thoughts and, for now, enjoy the sunrise.
All right, I'll stare at the smog.
Ugh, I feel like I've been hit by a bus.
Ooh.
What's this? Why, it's Sunday.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know how much you like to watch your football.
- This is all for me? - Yeah.
Aw, man, that's so sweet.
I knew a little church would be good for you.
- Ah - Look at you being all of service.
- Nah, nah, it's nothing.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Ugh.
Make it stop.
- Yeah.
I-I go get it.
[SPORTSCASTER SPEAKING ON TV.]
[ALBA LAUGHS.]
Look who's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing? What's he doing here? Yeah, I invited him.
You know, I think that Father Zach is a bigger Pats fan than you are.
[LAUGHS.]
And on the eighth day, God made Tom Brady.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Yeah.
Isn't football a little rough for a priest? With all the concussions and murderers.
No, the big hits are the best part of the game.
Plus, these guys are getting paid millions of dollars.
This CTE business, I mean, they know what they're getting into.
Plus, they're wearing helmets.
- Hey, does anyone want a beer? - Mm [CLEARS THROAT.]
No.
No, thank you.
I would love one.
- Is that all right? - No, here.
[LAUGHS.]
- I'll get you an opener.
- No, no, no, no.
Got one with me.
Whoa, that's cool.
[LAUGHS.]
Father Z? What are you doing here? What's up, Chip? I'm just watching Tom Brady spread the gospel.
[WHISTLES.]
You rocking the new Durants? Good eye, bro.
My vertical's insane now.
You hoop? I played a little college ball at UConn, but I mostly rode the bench.
- You want to shoot around at halftime? - Hell yeah.
- What a great kid.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, come on, you got to wrap up on those tackles! All right, let's go, TB.
Let's get back in this thing.
Yeah, let's go.
Here we go, Pats! [SPORTSCASTER CONTINUES SPEAKING ON TV.]
All right, Ben.
Sometimes a higher being doesn't always present itself to you in a church or a sunset.
A spiritual experience can find you when you least expect it.
Now, for me, it was The String Cheese Incident.
Red Rocks, '96.
They played for seven straight hours in 108 degree heat.
A set so divine and filled with love that your little mind couldn't possibly grasp it through mere description.
Luckily, big ol' Jimbo bootlegged it.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON LAPTOP.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
This is God? Well, i-it is if you're a drug addict and you like to listen to 40-minute-long songs and spin around in circles until you have a seizure.
[LAUGHS.]
Shh.
JIMMY [ON RECORDING.]
: Geez, I'm shredded tonight.
- MAN: Let me get some of that K.
- JIMMY: No can do.
- Already took it.
- All of it? Dude, not cool.
- You were supposed to drive back.
- JIMMY: I'm fine.
It doesn't sound very good.
Well, yeah, I mean the speakers aren't great, you know.
You need a woofer to really capture the essence of their sound.
Some ketamine would help, too.
Okay.
You know what? When the glockenspiel comes in, you're really gonna understand.
No offense, but if this is God, I don't think I'm a fan.
Yeah, that went well.
If he's not gonna open his mind, then there's not a lot I can do for him.
I don't know.
Maybe it's too late.
We're just going about this too abstract.
You know, I mean, think about it like Santa Claus.
You don't explain to a kid the physics of some fatso cramming his ass down seven billion chimneys in a night.
No, of course not.
You-you just drive him to the mall, get his picture taken with some child molester, and eat a couple of his cookies before he wakes up.
Ben wants to see God let's show him God.
Dude, your stroke is frickin' wet from behind the arc.
Don't tell me you can dunk, too.
Don't worry, I won't.
I'll just show you.
Oh! Wow! What?! Oh, my God.
How did you do that? It's hot out here, man.
Damn! Father's got mad ink.
You look like frickin' John Wick.
I didn't know priests could get tatted up like that.
Yeah, it sounds like you got some misconceptions about the church.
You think it's all sinners and judgment.
But the way I see it, every Sunday, God throws a kick-ass house party and all the sinners are invited.
I mean, I-I will admit, it does look cool to be center stage like that.
- Yeah.
- You must feel like a frickin' rock star.
No, no, no, no.
God's the real rock star.
I just feel like I'm a DJ remixing his hottest jams.
[LAUGHS.]
That's all right.
That's all right.
- Yeah.
- You know what? I did have an altar boy drop out this weekend.
If you feel like subbing on Sunday.
Uh no-no offense, but those white dresses are are kind of lame.
You know, when you're up there, you're feeling all that energy, it doesn't matter what you wear.
You're cloaked in God's love, son.
Off the glass.
[SQUEALS.]
: Whoa! [BEER CAN OPENS.]
ALBA: Mickey? What is going on? You don't just sneak up on somebody [BURPS.]
like that, you know what I mean? If you wanted a beer, why didn't you just say so? Because I can't be myself in front of that guy.
He makes me uncomfortable.
It's like driving next to a cop.
- Well, he's just a priest.
- He's not.
- He's not just a priest.
- Well Priests don't wear normal clothes and play basketball.
They're old and ugly and mean and boring.
You are the one who told me to go to him.
Yes.
I told you to go to him.
Maybe once or something, not bring him in here.
I think you are overreacting.
Okay, well, how's this for overreacting? I forbid you to ever see him again.
- Mm-hmm.
- Father Zach has been so helpful to me in my darkest hour.
That's what they do.
They find the weakest person they can - and make them feel like the chosen one.
- CHIP: Yo! Guess who Father Z hand-selected to be his new altar boy? This guy! - [LAUGHS.]
- Hey, now! Let's just hope he praises better than he dribbles.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- You're right.
- I got to work on that.
- You're doing okay.
You're doing okay.
- Ah, it could be better.
Oh! - ALBA: That's good.
Oh! - That's tight, huh? - Such a great whoa! Ah! [LAUGHING.]
Look it, I got it.
And I gave it back.
- Father McCormick? - Yes.
Hi, I'm Mickey, new to your parish.
Do you have a second? - Yes, please come in.
- Thank you.
Listen, um, I got a problem with one of your priests.
N-Not a kid problem.
Oh, no, sorry.
It's about Father Zach.
He's not who he says he is.
That man is leading a double life.
I see.
Uh, please, go on.
Just yesterday, in my home, I watched him drink upwards of two beers.
Oh.
Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
You sure about that? - Oh, I'm quite certain.
- [DRAWER OPENS.]
Nothing wrong with an occasional libation.
Oh.
Would you? Is it a trick? - No.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Well, he was definitely not wearing his uniform.
That's got to be some sort of infraction.
Well, I don't think that is.
No, no.
I'm sorry, is there something I can help you with? Yes, you can, you can help me get rid of the guy, you know.
I-I don't like him.
I-I he rubs me the wrong way and something's off.
Look, between you and me, I'm also not a fan.
But unfortunately, there's nothing I can do.
What are you talking about? You're the pastor.
You know, you're the boss around here.
N-Not the boss-boss, but-but you're pretty high up there.
It's not that simple.
Since Zachary joined our parish, we've had quite the spike in donations.
I see.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
So it's a money thing.
Now you're speaking my language.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Here you go.
What's that? That's a Porsche 911 Turbo.
Got a quarter tank of gas and it's parked right out front in a handicapped spot, nice and easy for you.
Well, that's very kind, but I'm not quite sure what the church would do with a Porsche.
I myself rarely drive.
Eh, you'll pick it right up or sell it for parts.
Hell, drive it straight to heaven for all I care.
Just please transfer him.
Well, there is an opening in Baltimore.
Baltimore.
Love Baltimore.
Beautiful city.
Stone crabs.
Well, I don't know.
Oh, come on.
Give yourself a little credit.
I think you do know.
But don't do it for me.
Do it for this guy.
I'll leave you two alone.
Mull it over.
[ORGAN PLAYING.]
Ave Maria Gratia plena JIMMY [WHISPERING.]
: Mick.
ALBA AND ZACH: Maria grátia pléna [WHISPERING.]
: What are you doing here? Just came to enjoy the show.
Got a feeling it's gonna be a good one.
Ah, you bet your sweet little ass it is.
Okay.
How you doing, buddy? Good.
Even though God isn't real, I still like the songs and stuff.
Nice.
Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that.
You keep your eyes peeled, you might just see him.
Yeah.
I-I'm having second thoughts.
Yeah, don't be nervous.
I'm not nervous.
It's just an idiotic plan.
Okay, you know what? We're here, so we're doing it.
ZACH: Thank you, Alba.
That sounded so beautiful.
Before we begin, I have some unfortunate news to share with all of you.
[QUIETLY.]
: Yeah.
Enjoy Baltimore, bitch.
[SNICKERS.]
Father McCormick was in a car accident last night.
- [PEOPLE GASP.]
- He drove a Porsche into a pond.
Uh, miraculously, he survived.
Oh, come on, old man.
So let's please all keep him in our prayers.
- Oh - And in the meantime, I will be serving as your head pastor.
Oh, well, this is just great.
For today's sermon, I'd like to talk to you about temptation.
It's everywhere, folks.
Serpents slither among us and takes many forms.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Apparent strangers, coworkers, even so-called friends.
Okay, okay.
You can stop dancing around.
- I'm the serpent he's talking about.
- [PEOPLE MURMURING.]
I'm the one who gave McCormick the Porsche.
Wha? Why would you do that? So he would cast this man out of our lives and into the fiery streets of Baltimore.
Damn it, Mickey.
- Those aren't your cars to give.
- Silence, Sabrina! You, Father "Z," you're the real serpent.
Just slither around my house, being all casual about religion, not taking it seriously.
ZACH: I take it very seriously.
- MICKEY: Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I'm a priest.
Well, whoever you are, Zach, beer-drinking basketball buddy.
Yeah, whatever mask you choose to wear right now.
You've turned my friend into something I don't even recognize anymore.
She has a very serious drinking problem.
Okay, well, now she has a very serious church problem.
You don't see you just took one addiction and replaced it with another? I'm just trying not to die.
Well, news flash: you are gonna die.
- You're all gonna die.
- [PEOPLE GASPING.]
Not, I mean, not right now.
I'm not gonna That's not what I meant.
You're safe for now.
I'm not gonna do anything.
[SIGHS.]
She's right.
This is idiotic.
If you accept God into your heart, you'll walk with him in the kingdom of heaven.
Oh, yeah? Okay, cool.
You got proof of that? - I see proof of God every day.
- Do you? I-I-I can't wait to see it.
Show me.
Please.
Excited to see the proof.
Go ahead.
Let's see it.
- [FLAME ROARS.]
- Aah! Oh.
Ooh, that's hot.
Oh, my [SCREAMS.]
How can you just stand there? I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Oh, my God! - [MICKEY SCREAMS.]
- [PEOPLE GASPING.]
- Oh, no.
Oh, no! - [JIMMY GRUNTING.]
[SHOUTING.]
[DEEP VOICE.]
: Stay in school, Ben.
[GASPS.]
She's awake.
I'm alive? - By the grace of God.
- BEN: It was so cool.
God smited you because you were being blasphemous, but then he saved you because he's merciful and forgiving, but then, he pointed right at me and told me to work extra hard in school.
And now, I'm gonna be the Pope when I grow up.
[QUIETLY.]
: Okay, we might've laid too strong of a foundation.
I mean, he literally witnessed God perform a miracle.
[QUIETLY.]
: Yeah, we can blow that up in about two seconds.
I think I'm done with church.
You know, I got way too extreme.
I got to stop that.
From now on, I'm just gonna be chill.
I'm just gonna be super chill.
I'm gonna start meditating, doing yoga.
All right, Alba, you're getting extreme about being chill.
It's happening again.
Yeah, you're right.
I got to chill out.
Yeah, I think I'm done with church, too.
Father Z's just a bummer.
Such a waste of talent.
He could be out there waxing ass, but instead he's like, "No, we just feed bread to old people.
" Forget that place.
Mm.
I don't know.
I might go back.
What? I-I feel like I've been reborn, you know? Like I've gotten a-a new lease on life and [SIGHS.]
if that's not proof of God, I don't know what is.
Yeah, it's either that or the morphine.
Hmm? They've been pumping you full of that stuff for hours.
I told them not to hold back.
She can take it.
Oh, that's nice.
Okay, well, Alba, be an angel and, uh, hit me again.
- Yeah, I got you.
I got you.
- [BUTTON BEEPS.]
- There you go.
- Mmm.