The Neighborhood (2018) s02e14 Episode Script

1 [LAUGHS.]
What? Baby, are you watching Real Housewives? I was gonna change the channel, but then somebody threw a glass of wine and somebody flipped a table and two hours later, I'm Team Teresa.
Well, I'm Team Brandi.
She could get hit by a table and keep on drinking.
Where's Malcolm? Oh, he's on a date with Sofia.
Again? Wow, this is getting serious.
I can't believe I still haven't met that girl.
[KNOCKING.]
And I can't believe Teresa thinks she can flip over that giant Oh, no, she did it.
Oh, hey, guys.
Tina, did we order two white people? [MOUTHS WORDS.]
Uh, no, uh, I did.
But don't worry, I'll take 'em to go.
So what's going on? Marty invited us to trivia night down at Ernie's Hot Spot.
These Pasadena peeps can't wait to play.
- [IMITATES BUZZER.]
- Who are the Johnsons? Let me grab my jacket and we'll go.
Well, how about you guys? You want to join us? Uh, thanks, but I'm gonna stay in.
I already took my bra off.
- Calvin, you want to come? - Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to do is sit around with a bunch of eggheads racing to answer "what's the biggest lake in Africa?" ALL: Lake Victoria.
Trivia isn't exactly my dad's thing.
The only facts he knows are the ones that he makes up.
And a lot of the times he's wrong about those.
Ho, ho.
So y'all think y'all smarter than me? Ha.
Smart enough not to answer that question out loud.
Well, you don't know what I know.
I know stuff that I don't know that I know I know.
Well, so you're in? Hell yeah I'm in.
And, uh, for your information, Tina, penguins can fly.
They just cool where they at.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Come on, Dad, think.
We need your answer.
Okay, hold on, hold on, now.
You want to get this right, don't you? I'm gonna order the buffalo wings.
I'm guessing this is a slightly different crowd than your dart night.
Sure is.
A lot younger.
More man buns.
And I heard some clown order a gin and juice with no gin.
Where is my juice? I ordered it ten minutes ago.
All right! Welcome to trivia night at Ernie's Hot Spot, sponsored by Carla's Fluff and Fold.
Tell her I sent you and get one free fluff.
Okay, y'all know how it works.
I spin the wheel and read the questions, you write down the answers and order at least three drinks.
"Astronomy.
" "Shakespeare.
" "Foreign Films.
" Shouldn't those all be under one category called "Who Cares?" Dad, I like all those things.
I know.
Who cares? ERNIE: Okay, first category is Ooh, "World Flags.
" Okay, here we go.
What is the only country whose flag has five sides? [LAUGHS.]
I got this one.
Stop sign.
Uh, Dad, that's an octagon.
I don't care what kind of government it is.
Okay, I know this one.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
I know it definitely starts with an "L".
It's Nepal.
Or ends with an "L".
Don't worry, sweetie, you were about to get it.
You weren't.
Okay, everybody, boards up.
The correct answer - is Nepal.
- Yes! And for everybody who got that right, hike your way to the bar and buy yourself a Fuzzy Nepal.
Okay, good warm-up.
Just got to focus.
Which would be so much easier if I had my juice! ERNIE: Okay Ooh! - Chemistry.
- Yes! Pb is the chemical symbol for what common element? Ah, I know this one.
Plubonium.
Final answer.
Seriously, Dad? That's not even a I said final answer.
Gu-Guys, this is all me.
Just give me a second.
Pb.
Pb.
PB and J.
Aw, great.
Now I'm hungry, too.
It's lead.
Boards up.
The correct answer is lead.
- Yeah.
- Nice, Marty.
- All right.
You and me got this.
- Yeah.
Hey, we're here, too.
Yeah, I know, but I still think we can win.
Hey, Ma.
Hey.
Did you have a good time with Sofia? Yes, I did.
It was great.
Oh.
How long have you two been seeing each other? Uh, I don't know.
Maybe like two 73 days! When am I gonna finally meet this girl? Look, I don't know, Ma.
Uh, soon, okay? Well, what's the problem? You act like you're afraid to introduce her to me.
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear on that, Ma.
I am terrified.
Oh, uh Malcolm, why? Because every time I bring a girl home, you grill her like she knows who shot Tupac.
Oh, please.
All moms ask questions.
Oh, really? Do all moms open with, "Hey, I'm Tina.
Do you want and are you able to have kids?" Well, what can I say? I'm a people person.
I want her to make me more people.
Hey, Dave.
Hey, Calvin.
Congrats on the, uh, big trivia win last night.
Yeah.
You too.
Marty was on fire.
- So was Gemma.
- Yeah.
- Did you see how smug he was? - She was being such a show-off! I mean, just because I didn't go to college, he thinks he's smarter than me? Well, technically, it's not "smarter than me," it's "smarter than I.
" But yours sounds way more right.
All I know is that game wasn't fair.
It was rigged for book-smart nerds like Marty.
- I regret the day he learned to read.
- Yeah.
You know, the only reason that Gemma beat me to those answers is because I always overthink things.
Or do I? I mean, they may have book smarts, but we've got street smarts.
Yeah, you know what, of we had another chance, we would bust a cat in their ass.
It's-it's a "cap," Dave, not a cat.
That does seem a lot easier.
But like you said, what if we had another chance? You mean go back to Ernie's next week? No.
No, no, no.
I got a better idea.
We're gonna level the playing field.
- Oh, I see where you're going.
- You do? Not at all, but I trust you.
- So, do you eat sushi a lot? - Not often.
But I did once swallow Marty's goldfish on a dare.
Oh, my Oh, my goodness.
Malcolm, what are you doing here? You mean eating at the place I told you I would be? You did? [LAUGHS.]
That must be why I'm in the mood for sushi.
[LAUGHING.]
Ah So, uh, aren't you gonna introduce me? Mom, this is Sofia.
Sofia prepare yourself.
It's nice to meet you, Mrs.
Butler.
So nice to meet you, too.
Scoot over, Malcolm.
[CHUCKLING.]
Uh, Ma, this is awkward.
Ew, so is eating with sticks.
A sister's gonna need a fork up in here.
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks for helping us, Marty.
Yeah, us two dummies, we tried everything, but we couldn't get the Wi-Fi to work.
Routers can be pretty complicated, especially when you haven't plugged them in.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
What are you all doing? Well, one of us is plugging in your router and the other two are acting super sketchy.
Dave, what's going on? It's rematch time! You two are going down.
Welcome to Trivia Night, Home Edition.
Sponsored by Calvin made me do it.
All right, it is game time.
Calvin and Dave versus Gemma and Marty.
Tonight's drink specials are make it yourself.
This ain't my house.
Dad, why are you doing this? To prove that me and Dave are just as smart as you two.
Oh, so you two actually think you can beat us? Yeah, the guys who were both convinced the tallest peak in California was Space Mountain.
Uh, hello? You start on land and end in space.
All right, then.
You asked for it.
Let's do this.
Ha.
Okay.
Before you get too cocky, we added a couple of new categories about some actual important knowledge.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Uh "Making Ends Meet.
" "Tools and Their Uses.
" "Famous Daves"? And I'll be one after I lay the snackdown.
Dave, it's "smackdown.
" No, no, no, I know.
I was just gonna put some food out.
So, Sofia, you're a teacher.
That means you must like children.
Oh, yes, I love 'em.
They're like little gifts from God.
Ooh, a two-for-one answer.
Oh.
You got to keep this one around, Malcolm.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm trying to.
So tell me about your family.
Do they live in town? Yes.
Boyle Heights.
Oh.
It must be nice to have them nearby.
Do you see them a lot? All the time.
In fact, Malcolm and I just had dinner with them last week.
Is that right? So you all just met last week? Can a brother get some sake up in here? Oh, no, that's not when they met.
We all went to a Lakers game last month.
Well, isn't that nice? [LAUGHS.]
You know, everybody just meeting and greeting and going to games.
Ain't nobody met my ass.
All right, look, Ma, I can explain.
No, no, no, no.
Don't bother.
I've heard plenty.
Sofia, enjoy the rest of your evening, and Malcolm, you're dead to me.
Okay, the category is "Making Ends Meet.
" "You just moved, "you're trying to get your lights on, "but you got bad credit.
[MOUTHS.]
What do you do?" [BUZZ.]
Put the bill in your baby's name.
Correct! - Yes! - Yes.
What kind of trivia question is that? A good one.
One that someone might actually use in their life.
Wait a minute, is that why my credit history goes back to when I was five? ERNIE: Okay.
So the score is Calvin and Dave: eight, Gemma and Marty: three.
And still zero dollars in my tip jar.
Okay.
Dave, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second? Yeah, but we're right in the middle - [BUZZ.]
- Wrong answer.
I can't believe you.
I know.
I totally pulled "Davy Crockett" out of my butt back there.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about how important it is for you to prove that you're smarter than me.
No, it's not.
And technically, it's "smarter than I.
" Maybe, when you're using "than" as a conjunction with an implied "am.
" But I just used it as a preposition.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, I owe Calvin an apology.
So I'm better at trivia than you.
Big deal.
Why are you being so insecure? I'm not insecure.
I'm the most secure.
I-I'm the securest.
Ugh.
And I know that's not a word.
That's just how secure I am.
Fine, don't admit it to me, but at least admit it to yourself: you're being a giant baby.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, you see, that's why you're losing.
A giant baby is just a normal-sized adult.
Hey.
Ah.
Look who's home early.
I thought maybe you'd be out getting a family portrait with Sofia's parents.
Ma, will you stop? You met her parents, Malcolm.
More than once, but you wouldn't let her meet me? Your father I get, but me? Do I really embarrass you that much? Ma, you asked Sofia if she'll be wearing white on her wedding day.
Malcolm, I'm sorry that you feel the need to protect your girlfriends from me.
I didn't realize I was such a horrible mother.
Look, Ma, I'm not just protecting them.
I'm also protecting you.
From what? Every time I introduce you to a girl, you get so invested.
You get to know them, you get close to them, and when it doesn't work out, it breaks your heart.
[LAUGHS.]
: That is not true.
Oh, really? When I broke up with Jessica, you kept sneaking out to see her for three more weeks.
I just needed more time, okay? Look, Ma, you know I love you.
But it's hard enough for me to get over a girl.
I don't want to have to worry about you getting over her, too.
I guess I just keep hoping every girl you bring home is gonna be the one.
Ah, don't worry about it.
One of them will be.
Hey, maybe Sofia.
We'll see.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Well, as long as it's not that Jessica.
No, that bougie skank totally ghosted me.
Okay, we are neck and neck after an epic collapse from Calvin and Dave.
What the hell is with you? You just blew four answers in a row.
In a question about "Famous Daves," you answered Stephen King.
Well, I'm sorry, Calvin.
I guess I'm just not that smart.
And I'm totally okay with it.
You're an idiot.
Exactly.
Okay, am I missing something? I am.
Tips in my jar.
Here's a quarter.
Spin the damn wheel.
Okay, we are all tied up, and apparently, since I'm doing this for a quarter, this will be our last question.
Ooh.
"Auto Parts.
" MARTY: Come on.
That's not fair.
He's a mechanic.
Ah, guys, do you want to call it now, or do you want to go through the humiliation? I'm just kidding.
I want to see the humiliation.
Okay.
"In a car's engine's cylinders, - the valves" - [BUZZ.]
Lets the fuel in and the exhaust out.
Final answer.
- Incorrect.
- What? I did not finish asking the question.
"In a car engine's cylinders, "the valves let the fuel in and the exhaust out.
This part moves the valves.
" MARTY: Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
I can figure this out.
Um, the spark plugs ignite the fuel, which fires the pistons, which turns the crankshaft, which is attached to the timing belt, which turns the camshaft.
Correct! Yes! Marty and Gemma win, and I am out of here.
[COIN CLANKS IN JAR.]
Well, looks like you were wrong.
Clearly, I have nothing to prove.
Which, if you think about it, proves I was right.
You know what it proves to me? That you're sleeping alone tonight.
Wait.
I take it back.
I was wrong about being right.
Well, Dad, I guess I win again.
Well, that's only 'cause I hit the buzzer too fast.
You know what I mean? The problem is my cat-like reflexes.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Heads up.
- Hey Oh, hey You saw how I blocked that, right? I blocked that.
Come on, Dad, what's really going on here? Look, son, just because you know a few random facts and have a degree, I-it's not all the smart that you need.
What are you talking about? Not everybody gets to go to college.
I mean, I was gonna go, but then your grandfather got sick and I had to go to work at his shop.
I-Is that what this is about? Dad, I-I don't think I'm smarter than you.
You don't? No.
How do you think I knew all that car stuff? When I was a kid, I followed you around, soaking up everything you said.
And then, because of all your hard work, I got to go to college, where I learned half of it was wrong.
Well, thanks to me, you got out of kindergarten with an 800 credit score, so Seriously, Dad, I'm only where I am because of you.
So thanks.
You're welcome, son.
Well, would you look at that? Looks like there are no losers tonight.
[GRUMBLES.]
Well, looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
I stand corrected.
Hey.
I thought of another trivia question.
"Which famous Dave acted like a total idiot tonight?" [BUZZ.]
Me.
[SIGHS.]
Or I.
I honestly don't know.
Can you please just tell me why it was so important to prove you're smarter than me? Gemma, don't pretend like you don't know.
Know what? Well, that everyone thinks that you're so accomplished and smart and I'm just some hot trophy husband.
What are you talking about? Sweetie, you're the most amazing man I know.
Really? Yeah.
You've got this great big heart, you make me laugh all the time, and how can you not think you're smart, Mr.
Treasurer of the Kalamazoo juggling team? I kept the budget low and the juggling clubs high.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, you may have lost trivia, but if you go light some candles in the bedroom, you might win something else instead.
Are you talking about what I think you're talking about? [BUZZ.]
Correct.
All right.
Uh, uh We are talking about sex, right? Yes.
It's a good thing he's hot.