The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e14 Episode Script

1 Kenny: Whoever said that time heals wounds clearly never got dumped.
Ever since Brett broke up with me, the world has stopped turning, the birds have gone quiet.
Even the leaves have wilted away.
I mean, it's winter, but still.
I feel raw, like I'm trapped in an early '90s music video.
[Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love" plays.]
Lay a whisper On my pillow Leave the winter On the ground I wake up lonely There's air of silence In the bedroom And all around Touch me now I close my eyes And dream away It must have been love But it's over now It must have been good But I lost it somehow It must have been love [Pounding.]
But it's over now Turn that damn song off! - Ugh! - It's seeping into my brain.
Yeah, in my dream last night, I was about to do it with Blake Lively when I started singing it to her.
So she turned me down.
And then she morphed into a crab.
And I screamed.
Well, it's Valentine's Day, so someone has to make sure Kenny doesn't walk into traffic.
I would watch him, but I'm hanging out with Ethan.
Well, don't look at me.
I think it's a stupid holiday.
It's just a marketing ploy to get people to buy chocolates and teddy bears and all those other things people just don't need.
If that's your veiled attempt of getting me to thin out my teddy bear collection, the joke is on you because I just bought more! Valentine's day is a completely impractical holiday.
All you need is toothpaste and a 12 pack of tube socks, which is what I will buy tonight as we celebrate our yearly tradition of going warehouse shopping at Valueco.
Well, I am going to honor my first Valentine's Day as a single man and not go to Valueco.
- Pat, no! - Pat, yes.
I may be a little rusty, but I am going out tonight.
Try to meet a woman, figure out what a tapa is.
I think it's a fruit.
I'll be your hype man, you know? But I would prefer to go to a tapa-less bar.
[topless.]
- I don't like fruit.
- Well, wherever you end up, - you're gonna take Kenny with you.
- No, no, no! This is supposed to be my first Valentine's Day without a gloomy buzzkill.
Oh, please.
Kenny's not that bad.
You won't even notice he's there.
[Funeral dirge plays.]
Is that my sweater from J.
Jill? I have to mourn, and I don't own anything black.
Okay, well, whatever helps you cope, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just don't play that song again.
I won't.
play it.
It must have been love But it's over now Where are you taking Eileen tonight? Oh, no, I'm spending the evening with mother.
We're gonna dust off the old Slanket and relive the magic that was "iCarly.
" Wait, you're not seeing your girlfriend? Oh, no, don't tell me Eileen's still doing her stupid Valueco ritual.
Eileen: Damn right she is.
And let me tell you why.
There's no crowds.
Everything's two-for-one.
It's heaven.
You should be spending tonight with him.
Oh, it's okay.
I respect her wishes not to observe the holiday, unless you're reconsidering because Cupid hit you with his little love arrow.
I am not moved by a flying fat man-baby.
Enjoy the rest of your no-big-deal Tuesday.
You are a Valentine's Day Scrooge.
I am not.
Clive's known about this since the day after Christmas, when they started putting up all the Valentine's stuff.
You know that's how stores try to monetize love.
You know who else does that? Pimps.
They're a lot less in-your-face about it.
Well, I enjoy the holiday, but I'm not doing anything special, either.
Why don't you stop by here before Valueco? We're doing inventory tonight.
Oh, perfect! I love inventory! Do I get a clipboard and a checklist and one of those little clicker counters? We don't have one of those.
Oh, okay.
That's fine.
I have one at home.
How am I the one who's single? [Sighs.]
Yes, I would like some tapa.
Hey, just don't get in your head tonight, okay? We're just regular dudes hanging out on a regular Tuesday.
But it's Valentine's.
I had this entire day planned since the moment Brett and I started dating.
Who says it's Valentine's Day? Some stupid calendar? It might offer a daily inspirational quote, but it can't tell us what day it is.
All right.
[Ohio Players' "Love Rollercoaster" playing.]
You know what? It's This is not a big deal.
It's, uh It's just a bunch of balloons.
Yeah.
Just pretend it's heart disease awareness.
Brett's uncle has a bad heart.
Now I'll never get to meet him.
You know what, it's all about your perspective.
See, if you if you turn it upside-down, you get a butt.
If you point it out, boobies! Brett's uncle has boobies.
That's how they diagnosed his heart disease.
Come on, buddy.
Let's try and cheer up, okay? Let's not talk about Brett anymore or his uncle's breasts.
Okay.
But Brett was my first real relationship, and I messed it up.
He told me he loved me and then I told him I loved him and then I took it back and then he dumped me - and now I'm single forever.
- That is not true.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Fish was Brett's favorite food.
And his favorite body of water was the sea.
[Groans.]
He's totally gonna ruin this night.
That balloon stuff was some of my best work, so I-I don't know what else to do.
I have waited 18 years for this.
And this is supposed to be the night that romance finds me.
[Door opens.]
Here it comes.
And there it goes.
My dad's really good in bed.
I know this because he had three children with my mom.
- She didn't even like him.
- Hey! What was that? What is happening? They're consoling him.
Almost like they're attracted to his sadness.
Is she Is she petting him? Yeah, and the other one's giving him a treat.
He's like a puppy in a park attracting every woman in sight.
[Chuckles.]
He's our puppy.
Our sad, gay puppy.
The night we met, I knew I needed you so Happy Valentine's Day! This is not inventory.
I knew it was the only way to get you to come.
Hmm.
Let's see.
One liar check.
Come on, ladies! It's time to play Spin the Bottle! Oh, this is ridiculous.
Just be glad it's not Seven Minutes in the Closet.
Try 17 years.
Whoo! Oh, hey, somebody owes me a kiss! He knows he's gay, right? He's wearing a choker.
I think he's aware.
Valentine's Day is Steve's favorite holiday.
I'm a 3 on the Kinsey scale.
This is the one time a year I get to mix it up.
Watch out, Eileen.
You might be next.
I'd rather drink the tears of all your prom dates.
Ooh! Scrooge is alive and well.
I happen to believe in the spirit of this night.
Also, my astrologist said that I'm going to collide with a strong man in uniform.
Is this the astrologist you pay in cold cuts? [Scoffs.]
- Oh! - Oh! - Hi.
- Hi.
Um, I was dropping off a shipment, and I was wondering if there was someone that could sign for it.
- I can help you with that.
- Oh, great.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Oh, my.
So sorry.
- Oh.
- Um - Oh.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
You have just a little something There you go.
Perfect.
Oh, come on.
Then when Kenny came out to me, I was like, "Hey, I love you no matter who you love.
" I scooped him up in my big arms and hugged him for what seemed like days.
That is so sweet.
I want to hug you.
Can I hug you? If you feel like you need to.
I lose everything.
Oh, we didn't order this.
Your gay brother's having a hard time, so it's on the house.
And you said we wouldn't find anyone to hook up with tonight.
[Coughs.]
Look, you can't let a break-up destroy you.
If you had this Valentine's Day planned, why not do it anyway? I know a girl who got left at the altar but still went on her honeymoon to Jamaica.
Was it you, Liz? Yeah, mon.
How was the calamari? Do you think your brother's hungry for anything else? Um, I saw you had a seafood tower, but he's also a surf-and-turf guy.
So do you also have a meat tower? Sure do.
There's a little jazz club around the corner.
Maybe the two of us could sneak away and grab some tapas? [Laughter.]
Let me just go check on the little guy, and, uh, I'll be right back.
Where is my little guy? Jimmy, where's Kenny? I don't know.
I thought he was with you.
We lost our gay puppy.
We got a dog? No.
You meant Kenny.
Oh, Jimmy.
Oh, sorry.
I forgot my Valueco card.
- I'll be right out of your hair.
- That's okay.
We were just finishing up some active listening.
I hear you say it makes you feel alone in the universe when we talk about astronomy, but it's my favorite subject.
And I hear you say astronomy is your favorite subject, but black holes really scare me.
I hear you.
I hear you.
As usual, I'm confused but not worried.
So carry on.
Mom, if you want to stick around for a little bit, we're about to play The Game of Life.
Yeah, it's more fun with three people.
Are you sure you don't want to exchange cards and serenade each other? No, Ethan has a shaky vibrato.
I'd never let it happen.
Well, you two are weird.
But I'm in.
Great.
This is gonna be so fun, Mrs.
O'Neal.
Ah! I'm always the red car.
What's going on? Uh, have you seen Kenny? - Isn't he with you? - Yes! Yes.
Uh, but have you but have you seen him, you know, on, like, a deeper level? I just feel like we never really look at each other.
- Nope.
- Aah! And they're weird, too.
I keep texting Kenny, and all I get back are these three dots that keep disappearing.
What is that? Well, that means he's typing something and then erasing it.
Or it could be he's tied up trying to text us back using only his nose.
What's going on? Where's Kenny? Um, we split up.
We are doing a Valentine's Day scavenger hunt.
So, come on, Jimmy.
Let's go find that spatula so we can go.
Found the spatula! That's a ladle.
- Dad.
- Fine.
We lost him.
Spatula.
- Tongs, Jimmy.
- How could you lose him? Because we got distracted by women.
And a seafood/meat tower.
I have pork chop in my pocket.
Shannon, you keep tabs on everyone.
Do you have any idea where he may be? I'd check his Instagram.
He can't keep off of it.
Ah! Yes! He just posted something from the Rainbow Grind.
That was quick.
Yeah, I only follow Kenny and a squirrel.
[Chuckles.]
Who I also suspect is Kenny.
All right, let's go.
This would have been the first stop on our perfect Valentine's date.
I was calling it A Journey Toward Love.
I would have eaten the dark.
You would have eaten the milk.
So us.
Classic Brenny.
Did his boyfriend dump him, or did he die? I don't know, but he's eating all of our chocolates.
Not to sound insensitive, but you're ruining our date with your sadness.
I mean, if Brett has chosen to opt out of our relationship, that's fine, but it doesn't mean that I still can't enjoy the night that I had planned.
After this, I'm going to see a special 20th anniversary showing of "G.
I.
Jane," who, now that I think of it, is another strong, independent person who doesn't need a man.
Mm! That would make a strong caption.
Well, you should probably get to your movie.
I'm sure it's going to be really crowded.
You're right.
And you know what, you guys hang onto this.
I'm so glad I'm not into guys.
$10,900, $11,000.
You totally wiped me out.
Well, you got married, had three kids, and became a flight attendant, so you kind of did the work for me.
So I guess it's just down to you and me.
But it's not fun with two people.
Ethan, you can put your pegs in my car.
That's against the rules.
Then I quit.
What? You can't quit.
You're winning.
You love winning.
But if he's losing, am I really winning? [Gasps.]
My own daughter.
Have you been corrupted by this holiday, too? Maybe, but I don't want to leave Ethan out.
Your selfless gesture makes me feel very validated in this relationship.
I hear you say I make you feel validated, and that makes my heart flutter with happiness.
And I hear my heart filling with disappointment and my gut filling with bile.
I'm going to Valueco.
[Sighs.]
What was that? A drop in the bucket.
You should see her on Earth Day.
Where's your upper hand? It's hard to picture you and Kenny as friends.
You're so much fun.
I know.
I really bring him out of his shell.
Well, I'm just glad we're finally alone.
Allison, hi.
Have you seen Kenny? He's, uh He's about yea high, gay as a tulip.
I know what he looks like.
I'm his best friend.
And he left.
[Groans.]
Did he say where he was going? He said something about seeing "G.
I.
Jane.
" Oh, God.
He could be anywhere.
Pretty sure he's in a movie theater seeing "G.
I.
Jane.
" This is all my fault.
If I hadn't made him my gay puppy, [sighs.]
none of this would have happened.
You must feel awful.
I wish you could go feel awful over there.
Oh! I see.
Okay.
I am dedicating this Valentine's Day to finding and supporting my sad, gay son, wherever he may be.
That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard.
I wish there more men in the world like you.
Oh.
I'm his son.
I'm just like him.
I want to kiss you.
And give you a free scone.
That's nice.
We don't even need Kenny.
We just need the idea of him.
Jimmy.
It's not our year.
Come on.
Mm, baby, you're coming home with me.
[Grunts.]
Would you like a quesadilla? Mm! A sample that hasn't been pawed at? Yes, please.
We're pushing the pepper jack because it's about to turn.
Oh, I'll risk it.
[Chuckles.]
Quiet night, huh? Most people prefer not to spend their most romantic night of the year in a cold warehouse.
Well, they don't know what they're missing 'cause I could do this literally forever.
Rotisserie chicken is still $4.
99.
Ohh.
It's just a coincidence.
Oh, baby, you're coming home with me.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
Is she the ghost of my Valentine's future? Am I really Scrooge? You do kind of give off that vibe.
[Sighs.]
This is perfect.
I'd much rather be here alone.
I get all the popcorn to myself, and I don't have to listen to Brett do that annoying thing with his straw.
[Straw squeaking.]
Can you stop that? Oh, sorry.
No.
I'm not doing this.
It's something my ex-boyfriend did.
Yeah, he dumped me.
This was supposed to be our Valentine's date.
[Chuckles.]
[Squeaking continues.]
- It's so annoying, right? - Yeah, it is.
You know why I love this movie? Because of the wisdom of Master Chief John Urgayle, who says, "Pain is your friend.
It will keep you awake and angry! But you know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you're not dead yet!" all: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Oh, please.
I'm not spoiling anything.
This movie's 20 years old.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
What? No, please.
I have to watch this movie in order to heal myself.
Nobody kicked Liz out of Jamaica.
Well, I'm kicking you out of here, unless you want to be arrested.
Okay, fine.
I'll leave peacefully.
Okay, just so you know, half the relationships in here are going to end, statistically speaking.
Yeah.
Some probably tonight.
It's gonna be you two! I just need chocolates or cards or those hearts with the stupid writing on them.
Why is all this Easter stuff out? It's not tomorrow yet.
Please don't let it be too late.
It's not too late.
It's not too [Panting.]
Oh! Clive! What are you doing here? I listened to what you said.
I thought I could get some sweet deals.
I got six shrimp rings and a paper shredder.
Oh, don't listen to me.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
I was completely wrong about Valentine's Day.
- You were? - Yes.
It seemed fake and stupid to me because I didn't know what people were feeling.
I mean, I knew all this time that something was missing.
I thought it was warehouse shopping.
But now I know what was missing was you.
I feel it, Clive.
I feel the magic of the season.
Clive Murray will you be my Valentine? Yeah.
It's a pack of Peeps.
Hell to the yes.
Okay, Dad, this is crazy.
He wasn't at the Rainbow Grind.
He wasn't at the movies.
He's not gonna be here.
Hey, read his post.
It's a squirrel with a Santa hat.
Dad, this means nothing.
[Sighs.]
Jimmy, read the caption.
"I'm over Valentine's Day.
I wish I could go back to Christmas.
" Kenny and Brett met in the choir room during Christmastime.
I promise you he is here.
[Piano playing.]
[Sighs.]
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing? I took myself on a date to make myself feel better, but I'm not Liz, mon.
I can't just book a flight, enjoy the touch of a local fisherman, and magically feel better.
This night has made me feel even more alone.
This is my alone chord.
[Minor chord plays.]
It's from "Music Man.
" [Dissonant notes play.]
[Sighs.]
Come on, little buddy.
Let's get you away from this sad piano.
You are so light.
Thank you.
I haven't been eating.
[Grunts.]
[Clears throat.]
Took me 16 years to get my first boyfriend, and I lost him in six weeks.
And one of those weeks, he had strep, so it doesn't even count.
Well, hey, look, it took me 18 years to have my first Valentine's Day, and it didn't work out so well, either.
But you are gonna have many, many more boyfriends in your life.
And some will last weeks.
Some will last months.
Some will last a night! I was going to say was that hopefully one will last a lifetime.
But for now you go through as much heartache as you need.
Do you mean it? Yes, of course.
Look If you want to cry or talk, even if you want to play that song again, then you go right ahead and do it.
Right, Jimmy? Yep.
Yeah.
We're here for you, so you play it.
Okay.
You know what, I don't need it.
Oh, thank God.
I said it was okay.
It wasn't okay.
- Hey, are you sure? - Yeah.
But I am gonna Instagram you guys 'cause you made my Valentine's Day.
Wait, uh, is it regular feed or squirrel feed? Oh, squirrel feed.
That's where all the good stuff goes.
Oh, you know, I noticed that.
You guys kind of look like a couple.
Yeah, a couple of studs.
[Both chuckle.]
No, like a couple.
Like, you're even wearing the same coat.
- More wine? - Of course.
To Valentine's Day.
You know, I get it.
This place is very peaceful.
Does anybody know where they keep the rakes? They're having a two-pack special.
Please get me out of here.
You're gonna have to wait 20 minutes.
I'm getting my tires changed.