The Weekenders (2000) s02e14 Episode Script

One Alcatraz Special.
Yeah, remind me to add big metal files to my
list of things I don't want to find on my food.
Bring us some sodas, or you'll get
mug full of knuckles, ya dirty mug!
What's up with Tish?
She's been watching
old detective movies every night.
That's how they talk in those things.
Yeah, quit givin' me the fish-eye, ya jokers!
Man
People in old
movies talked weird.
I think she said somethin' about fish.
Hey, Carv'.
I have a little piece of info
you may find interesting.
Proceed.
You know that girl, Kristi?
Yeah, she's a total pain.
Well, I heard her say
she maybe, kinda likes ya !
A total pain?
Yet somehow fascinating.
Tino here.
Ever notice how someone
can be totally awful,
but then when you hear
they maybe kinda like you,
suddenly they don't
seem so bad?
Well, you're noticing it now.
Check out Carver.
His eyes are so glazed, they're making me
hungry for donuts.
Perhaps I haven't given this Kristi
enough credit in the past.
After all, she's
a woman of excellent taste.
Oh yeah, he's hooked.
That dame's wrapped him up and
shipped him first class to Suckaville!
What's wrong with you?
Well.
This girl Kristi,
maybe kinda likes me.
I see.
What's wrong wit' her?
Hi, Carver.
It's Kristi.
Oh, hey, Kristi.
Buzz off!
No way.
I'll give you a dollar.
Forget it!
I'll tell Mom what
happened to her leather pants.
I'm gone.
So?
Not much.
I've just been thinking of you.
Oh, really?
Tell me, Carver, are you a romantic?
I'm so romantic it'd make you sick.
The whole deal.
Long walks in the moonlight,
candlelight dinners
those, you know, little candies
with the words printed on 'em,
that kind of thing.
If you were my boyfriend,
could I call you "Pickle Toes"?
You can call me "Pickle Toes"
anytime you want, baby.
Sweet heaven no.
"Pickle Toes"?
Can you believe it?
You're never gonna hear
the end of this one, Carver.
Curse you, three-way calling!
Curse you !
Oooh, the ol' three-way calling trick.
Clever and fiendish.
That no-good two-bit dame
played you for a chump!
Yeah.
Rough break, Pickle Toes.
Nyah!
Hey, this isn't sunscreen.
It's glue.
Well, that's just perfect.
Caaaaarv'.
Your girlfriend's here.
Whaa?
After what she did,
she's wavin' at me?
Aren't there laws against this kind of thing?
Oh, yeah.
They're enforced by the
Federal Bureau of Waving.
That does it!
Just let it go, Carver.
Yeah, cool ya jets, Jake.
You'll wind up doin'
a time in Sing Sing, see?
If you're gonna talk like an old detective
Don't worry.
I'm just gonna talk to her
very calmly and politely.
Who the heck do you think you are?!
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
What kind of
You're sorry?
Carver, I really do maybe kinda like you.
But I -
But that call was Candy's idea.
I was afraid if I didn't do it, she'd
make fun of my feelings, you know?
Yeah, I guess.
Feelings can be pretty embarrassing.
Like, I used to cry every time
I heard the National Anthem.
Yeah.
And I used to be so afraid of the dark,
I had to sleep with my parents until I was eight.
What a loser!
Carver slept with his parents
until he was eight!
Duuude, that was harsh.
Why, that dirty lowdown
double-crossing frail
Until you were eight!?
Vengeance will be mine!
Okay, how can I get back at Kristi for
humiliating me?
That jingle-brained twist needs a bear of
cement overshoes.
There's always the "hide an
angry weasel in her locker" plan!
It's an old one,
but it never fails to please.
I was thinking more along the lines of
tactical thermonuclear weapons.
Let's try a more practical approach.
We can start,
with what we know about Kristi.
I know she's a huge fan of
that boyband, Rhythm Street.
I know she enters tons of those magazine
contests.
I know she's mean as a breaded snake.
All very informative.
Except for that braided snake thing,
I don't know.
Hold on.
I'm havin' an idea.
Alert the media.
What if Kristi won a contest to hang out
with one of the Rhythm Street guys?
There is no contest like that.
Sure, but that dame enters so many
she'd never remember all of 'em!
It's perfect.
She wins a contest
to go to to
go to the beach with
Lonnie from Rhythm Street.
Hey, maybe she has to meet him
in the mall, in full snorkeling gear!
Yes!
It's simple, it's elegant, and it offers
maximum humiliation potential.
Gangbusters, Jackson!
Great idea, Pickle Toes.
I don't know.
He's gonna do that
"Voice of Reason" thing again.
Sure Kristi deserves it,
but revenge doesn't seem right.
Told you.
Does it seem right to let
her walk all over me?
Does it seem right
not to stand up for myself?
Well, maybe not.
Case closed.
We'll write a letter to Kristi saying
she won the contest.
This is gonna be great!
Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.
And sometimes it's just for fun.
Is this dinner,
or a science experiment?
Go on, it won't bite you.
That works out nicely, since I don't plan
to bite it either.
Okay, what's up?
How do you know something's up?
Oh, it just seems like you always have
some kind of problem by Saturday night.
Well, there's this girl Kristi,
and she totally humiliated Carver,
like twice in a row.
And --
And now Carver wants revenge.
Wow.
That "mind rooting" thing may be annoying,
but it sure saves time and explanations.
You know, when I was a kid, my mom was so
good at it, I almost never had to talk.
I'm just trying to think of
something I can say to Carver
that doesn't sound as corny as
"two wrongs don't make a right."
How about "He even takes the moral
high road, never gets stuck in traffic."
Okay.
I think your cooking may
have military applications.
Watch it.
Okay, here we go.
Carv'.
I know it sounds corny, but
two wrongs
don't make a right.
Yeah, well, one wrong
doesn't make a right, either!
At least two wrongs
will make me feel better!
But you..
Too late!
Nothin' to do now, but
sit back and watch the fun.
Yeah, give that skirt
the business, Ace.
They say revenge is
a dish best served cold.
Yeah, just like Chug-a-Freezes.
Jeezy, here she comes.
Ha!
I'm going to enjoy this.
You won't think it's so funny when
Lonnie from Rhythm Street shows up.
I'm going snorkelling with him.
Yeah, sure you are.
What a freak.
Gotcha.
Ahh, revenge is sweet.
Holy smokes, check out the waterworks.
I've got a weird feeling inside.
That would be your conscience.
Oh, man.
I thought I finally got rid of that thing.
What's his beef?
I guess he just couldn't stand to watch.
Hey, look.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Is there a Kristi Wilson here?
Yes?
Lonnie is very sorry
to have kept you waiting.
His limousine is right this way, ma'am.
She is going snorkeling with Lonnie.
Oooh.
Wait.
Does this mean there really was a contest?
I don't think so.
That guy wasn't a chauffeur.
He works at the costume store!
Yeah.
And I had to give him two weeks
allowance to pull that stunt.
Plus, I'm gonna have to pay
for the stupid chauffeur's hat.
I'm proud of you, Carv'.
Proud enough to pay for the hat?
Not a chance.
Figured.
Well, maybe it wasn't cheap.
But you did the right thing.
Kudos, Carver.
I had to do it.
I mean, bad enough
she was crying,
but I thought to myself,
if I go through with this,
she'll have to
do somethin' worse to me!
And then I'll have to
do somethin' worse to her!
But where's it going to end?
Now I figure she's gotta be nice to me.
Hey, Carv'.
Kristi just posted this
audio file on the internet.
"You can call me Pickle Toes any
time you want, baby."
That skirt really dry gulched ya, Jesper!
I have an idea.
How about we never speak of this again?
You got it.
Pickle Toes.
Yeah, Carver did the right thing,
and he still got burned.
But if he hadn't, he'd be just as big
a skeeze as Kristi, wouldn't he?
Now go clung ya thumbs, ya pelucus.
Translation?
Later days.