TripTank (2014) s02e14 Episode Script

1 Oh, for the love of God, I'm telling you, Benny, I've come from the future to warn you about something very serious.
- Bullshit! [sips.]
- Listen to me.
Listen to me! You have this life-long illness that, - if found as a child, could maybe save - You? A time traveler? Ha! You're just a fruit in a suit.
Get out of here, you fruit! Wow.
You have literally never believed in me, Dad.
[electronic music.]
Okay, bye, guys.
I'm off on my first stand-up tour.
Really? Someone wants to see you perform? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they do.
I've got a lot of a lot of gigs, - a lot of bookings and dates.
- Cool.
Oh, and while I'm gone, my friend Rocco - You have a friend? - Very cool guy.
He might stop by.
- Wait.
Who? - Honey, you're gonna love him, okay? You're all gonna love him.
I got to go.
I'm gonna be late for my tour.
- Bye, Dad.
- I thought this comedy thing was just a phase, but it just keeps going deeper and deeper.
Going deeper and deeper? Sounds like how I like to spend my Saturday night, if you know what I mean.
- Oooh! - Ugh.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm Rocco.
- Dad, we know it's you.
Dad? Oh, no, I don't think so.
I couldn't possibly have any kids, 'cause I do all my girls up the ass! - Ew.
- Oooh! - Marcus, please don't do this.
- I'm going to my room.
Tell me when this is over.
Hey, what's up? What you doing? - Y-You working out? - N-No.
Well, you should be, 'cause if those jiggly "moobs" of yours get any bigger, I'm gonna start getting on a hard-on when you walk by.
- Oh! - Gross! - Get out of my room! - Ooh! I'm just saying you got jiggly boobs.
Hey.
Hey, is this a good time? There's a something I wanted to talk to you about.
- It's kind of important.
- Yeah, what's up, Dad? I was just wondering if you could tell me - what this smells like! - Is that your armpit or something? Nope! It's your mother.
- Ugh.
- Ooh, I got you so good.
Something is really wrong with you, Dad.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
It was my nut sack.
You were closer the first time.
Otta-watta-watta-watta-watta! Yo, no.
You're not getting in bed dressed like that.
Okay, okay.
You're right.
There are limits.
- How about like this? - Oh, God, no! - Can I get in now? - N-N-N Please! Helicopter requesting permission to land! - Marcus, it's not funny! - We're running out of fuel! - We've all had enough! - Get the hell out of here! [sighs.]
It's over.
Hey, guys.
Oh, looks like I just missed Rocco.
Bye, Rocco! Hey, what's for dinner? [telephone ringing.]
- Hello, TripTank.
- Yes, hello.
Um, I just wanted to call and tell you that Balls! Balls! Balls! I am so sorry.
I have Tourette's, and when I'm nervous, these words just come out.
Oh, it's okay.
No problem.
- Take your time.
- Okay, thanks.
Um, anyway, I really wanted to tell you that your show Balls! Balls! Balls! [shudders.]
I again, I am so sorry.
It's the Tourette's.
I'm really embarrassed.
No need to be embarrassed.
It's okay.
Everything's okay.
Good.
Um, sorry.
I just wanted to say that your show sucks shit! I hate it! I hate your terrible [bleep.]
shitty show! It licks my ass[bleep.]
, and it sucks my [bleep.]
until my balls come out! It's okay.
I understand you have Tourette's.
- It's totally fine.
- Oh, no.
That wasn't the Tourette's.
I just hate "TripTank.
" Balls! Balls! Balls! Hey, guys.
Anything special going on today? Hey, Ashley.
Nope, normal day, just like every other answering phones, earning a living, - just doing my thang uh, thing.
- How about you, Roy? - Anything you want to say to me today? - Not particularly, Ashley.
- Ugh! You guys are both jerks! - I just can't wait.
I got to tell Ashley about her surprise party.
No, Roy! You ruin every birthday.
Can't you just keep your mouth shut for 22 more minutes? Oh, I don't know, man! I feel like I'm gonna explode! I just love birthday parties so damn much! [electronic music.]
[blows.]
I'll tell you what I'm a nice guy.
I don't see why we need to keep doing this if you're willing to come clean.
So I'm gonna ask you one more question, and you got one chance to get it right! Why?! [snickering.]
I'll tell you why.
[chuckles.]
To get to the other side! [laughing.]
You son of a bitch! Ow! Ow! Ow! Male narrator: A new superhero has hit the streets, taking back what rightfully belongs to the black community.
His name is Reneger.
But watch out, Reneger.
There's trouble at the dam.
Soon you puny humans will know the wrath of Plant Lord! I'll destroy this dam and flood the city.
My plants will get all the water they need, and there's nothing you can do about it, Reneger.
[all gasp.]
What the [bleep.]
did you just call me? Uh, Reneg I called you Re - Well, that is your name, right? - What's my name? I know that's what your name is, so it's okay to say, all right? Gil, back me up, man.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
- It is written on your shirt.
- Go on, then.
Say it.
Fine.
I will.
Here we go.
I'm going to blow the dam, kill some people, and there's nothing you can do to stop me, Reneger.
[all gasps, speaking at once.]
Hey, not cool, dude.
What? I just said his name, Reneg [growls.]
Listen, I want to be very clear here.
I know a lot of people are going to watch what unfolds here today, and I want it to be known I am not a racist.
- I'm not racist.
- Then why are you pointing at just me? [all speaking at once.]
I hate all humans, regardless of race.
I just want as many people to die as possible, not just black people.
Dude, stop talking.
You're making it worse.
I want all people to die equally.
That's the world I want to live in and for you all to die in, together, right? [all speaking at once.]
Racist! No! I'm a sociopath, not a racist! You're a bigot.
[sighs.]
You know what? I'm I'm feeling weird.
You guys made this all weird, and I think I'm done here.
Maybe we can try this again later.
Come on, evil vines.
I'm out, baby.
Heeeey! Wow.
That was amazing.
Did you catch his name? Yes, I did.
The savior of our city is named Reneg [growls.]
Actually, no.
I have no idea who that was.
Heeeeey! [electronic music.]
Hurray, a face-paint kit! Paint me as a tiger.
As realistic as you can.
Growl.
[chuckles.]
Less realistic, please! [electronic music.]
All right, everyone else signed Ashley's card.
You're the last one.
Man, I never know what to write in these things.
- Uh, "I hope you have an elegant birthday"? - Too sappy.
- "I miss Earth too"? - Nah, too generic.
- "You did it"? - Yeah, that's a pretty good one.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, TripTank.
- Is this TripTank? - Yes, we're still up and running.
I'm gonna come down there and do some real terrible stuff to you guys.
- What? Why? - Yeah.
I'm gonna steal any pies I find cooling on your windowsills.
Well, actually, we're not allowed to open the windows 'cause of the, you know Hey, TripTank.
I'm gonna stick my chewing gum on the sidewalk outside your building.
And we don't have sidewalks, really, after the event.
- Um - You're a jerk! [laughs.]
No coming back from that one.
Yeah, that's a pretty solid burn there, guy.
Sorry about calling you a jerk.
That crossed over the line a little bit.
Well, thank you for the apology.
But seriously, your show is a piece of shit.
Scary trees don't scare me [birds cawing.]
You're a tree, but you're not scaring me - Oh, will you shut up already? - Shut up, tree.
I'll chop your whole family down, you keep that up.
- You shut up.
- Ugh! Can we please press on? The warlock is close.
He must be stopped.
Do you know what the warlock does to people? He transforms them into tiny animals, and then he sticks them up his bum for, like, sexual pleasure.
That's not what he does.
I do not know why the king sent you with me.
I'm a lone wolf.
[howls weakly.]
We're here because the last time the king sent you on a solo quest, you fornicated with the beast you were meant to kill.
Her name was Rhonda.
You know what you did, you disgusting animal.
Besides, you're going to need my counter spells for defense against the warlock's black magic.
All right, so you will counter his spells, and I will chop his face off, but what is this guy here for? He can't even make polite conversation.
Hello? Ugh.
The Huguma Summoners are born without tongues or genitals.
- Don't be rude.
- Ugh.
No licker or a sticker? How's this virgin gonna help me in battle? In that stone, Paguta has contained a powerful ifrit, but it can only be summoned once every hundred years.
Wow.
That sounds so lame.
Ow.
[chitters.]
Stop that! Did you see that? That evil squirrel hit me with an evil nut.
- It's just a squirrel.
- No, it is an evil squirrel, for this is the Forest of Evil, and Ow! Stop it! Oh, that's it.
You want to throw things? [Bleep.]
off.
- No, no, wait! - No, don't don't [thunder booms.]
[chittering nervously.]
[screeching.]
That's right.
Suck it, squirrel.
[sobs loudly.]
Oh, you [bleep.]
! [speaking native language.]
You moron! That was our only hope! Okay, we'll figure it out.
We'll improvise.
Come on, team, let's go [bleep.]
this warlock.
I mean, ki kill it.
[coughing.]
Ugh, the smoke is laughing.
You find that creepy? - Yes! - It's the warlock! So these are King Jacob's champions? This will be easy.
[speaking native language.]
One down and two to go! In my butthole! [laughs.]
Cleanse! [sputtering.]
No, no, no, no, no! Evil squirrels, attack! Yes! Yes, Jerry! Get his eyeballs! - Patricia, devour every inch of him! - Just so we're clear, I was right about the squirrels and the bum stuff.
Not trying to be a jerk, just saying Aah! I was right twice.
Rah! Back, rodents! Back! Sword attack.
[yells.]
Bee dak dak deedle dak! Ah, look, mice have hands.
Did you know mice have hands? - Ohh - No, don't.
- I think I'm gonna play this thing out.
- Ian, don't.
He's gonna - Stand down.
I got this.
- In you go.
And while you're in there, say hello to my parents! [laughs.]
Oh, sweet Carolina.
You're next.
You're all next.
Sir Ian, you genius.
Cleanse! No! My tum-tum! Aah! Sir Ian, that was brilliant.
Strike from within.
Oh, it was your plan all along, wasn't it? Ye Yeah.
[electronic music.]
Okay, I'll tell you what I'm a nice guy.
I don't see why we need to keep doing this.
So I'm gonna ask you one more time, and you got one chance to get it right.
- Where's the money? - I don't know.
- Why the long pause? - I was born with 'em? All right, asshole! Hey, Roy, what flavor of simulated protein - should we use for the cake? - Try that strawberry, man, 'cause that chocolate stuff tastes like burnt-up horse meat.
[telephone rings.]
Hello, SpaceTank I mean TripTank.
Hey, Stevesy.
Hey, buddy.
It's your old pal Durnan.
- Uh, I don't think I know any Durnan.
- Durnan? Durnan! Come on, tell me you remember me.
Oh, yeah.
Totally.
Totally.
You always had those, uh, shoes.
[laughs.]
No.
I still have these bloody stumps that I walk on you know, the bloody stumps that never heal.
- You know, Durnan! - Oh, right.
Durnan, okay.
Yeah, you were always snapping your fingers to the beat and clapping.
You love clapping, right? - You love clapping at the end of stuff? - No, Steve.
I can't believe you don't remember my dual prosthetic hook hands, you know, to replace the ones I lost saving your life.
- It's Durnan! - Oh, right, that Durnan.
Okay.
How you doing, by the way? You keeping your chin up? You're an asshole, Steve.
Hello, Mr.
Cloud.
Would you please be so kind and bring us to Heaven so that Katie here can wave at her grandfather? But of course, my friends.
It would be my pleasure.
Away we go.
[all cheering.]
- Get ready to say "hi.
" - Hi! Wave good-bye to Grandpa.
[flies buzzing.]
I can smell him from here.
[chuckles.]
[electronic music.]
[rock music.]
Oh, what is that? What are you doing? It's a special diet powder, Karl.
Says I can lose eight pounds in a day.
- I'm gonna be fit.
- Don't doubt it.
Science, man put a monkey on the Moon.
[laughing.]
A [bleep.]
monkey.
[slurping, gulps.]
- Right.
- Hey, did you lose weight? [electronic music.]
Male announcer: It's time for "Pills, Pills, Pills"! The only show for psychiatric patients by psychiatric patients.
Ladies and gentlemen, your host Boot [bleep.]
McGillicutty! [laughing.]
Hello! Hello! Yes! Yeah! And welcome to "Pills Pills Pills"! The game that combines dangerously potent prescription medication with paranoid conspiracy theories! Now [laughs.]
Let's meet our contestants! Say hello to Sergeant Frank, Teddy Razorblades, and a figment of my deranged imagination.
- Big fan, Boot[bleep.]
.
- So, before we get started, tell us a little bit about yourselves.
I have chlamydia.
I sacrificed myself for your children's future.
[laughs.]
Well, you guys are in luck, because today's grand prize is some pinkies, a shit ton of blues, and, oh, lots of purples today! - Hot damn.
- All right, let's get started.
First question: For a fistful of pinkies, what's the chemical formula for Clozapine? 9/11 was an inside job! [buzzer sounds.]
Carbon 18, hydrogen 19, chlorine nitrogen 4.
[bell dings.]
Correct! [cheers and applause.]
Congratulations! Uh-oh! It's time for the lightning round! [laughs.]
The goal is to answer as many questions before I ask them by reading my thoughts! - Are you ready? - Hell, yeah! [laughs.]
Super! [laughs.]
And go.
- Uh, uh, well - Tits.
Skull tattoo.
Argh! [grunts dopily.]
Lizard people? Secret government testing facility! Time's up! Our judges are tallying the score.
Five, two, three, carry the one! And the winner is everyone! [all laughing wildly.]
[screaming.]
[gunfire.]
And that's why we only have spoons in the cafeteria.
Whoa.
What the hell is that, Roy? Oh, this? It's my big toe, man.
I lopped it off to give to Ashley for her birthday present.
- What the shit were you thinking, Roy? - Oh, yeah, I don't know, man.
Sometimes this all-oxygen environment makes me real light-headed.
I kind of stroke out and do weird shit.
Think she'll like it, though? - Uh, I don't think so, buddy.
- Oh, you're right.
I should have painted the toe nail on it.
That'd be better.
[telephone rings.]
- Hello, this is TripTank.
- Uh, this Steve? Yes, this is Steve from TripTank.
Stevey.
Hey, there, man.
- This is Gus calling.
- Oh, hey, Gus.
Uh, how you doing today? Oh, I've been a whole [bleep.]
lot better before.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What happened? There was a man in my platoon who swam a whole goddamn mile without his head because he had to! Okay? I don't know how that pertains to what we do here at TripTank.
This is what I'm talking about, y'all! When you're making cartoons, that's a serious goddamn business.
Right, yes, sir.
Yes, right.
Yes, we will.
We will take that more seriously, yes.
God damn it, someone's gonna get their ass kicked.
I'm mad.
[electronic music.]
All-in.
[chuckles.]
- [chuckles.]
Is good.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Look at them shine.
Oh.
And, uh, good luck to you, sir.
[laughs.]
"Sweetie Poo"? - Oh, well, well - Ha ha.
We've come to collect.
Phil, did you lose those relationship coupons I gave you in an underground five-card stud tournament? [laughs nervously.]
- You look so pretty today, honey.
- A deal's a deal.
Eh, you know what? Why not? What the hell did you do to that? This shit is awesome! I thought it'd have a smoother finish if I cut the starter fluid with a little tile cleaner.
Way to go, Mrs.
G! You're one hell of a meth cook.
Oh, please.
Ah, is good.
[both grunt.]
Ooh, maybe we should torch his car too.
- I like your style, Mrs.
G.
- Well, just thinking ahead.
- Oy, men are shit.
- Mm-hmm.
Last month this Dutch Army Captain and I spent a whole Tuesday in a little safe house outside Muscat.
- Ooh.
- It meant something to me.
[explosion.]
Huh? Time to go to work, boys! - Covering fire, Mrs.
G! - Here comes Millie! Mrs.
G is in the house! [gunfire and explosions.]
[laughs.]
- Honey! - Thanks, guys.
So I guess you probably want me to sleep on the couch, huh? Actually, you're gonna handle this last one.
What's this? [sultry funk music.]
- Hey, babe, looking for a date.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Hey, I cannot pick up johns if you're gonna be torpedoing me every five minutes out here, all right? I'm doing my best.
This is all I got! [electronic music.]
[rock music.]
Grande chai tea, please, with almond milk.
- Name? - Anau.
[sighs.]
Karl.
Hey, there.
Yeah, give me a venti triple half-caf nonfat no-whip blended soy mocha pomegranaccino, with room.
- Name? - [clears throat.]
Anal Ooze.
God damn it.
[electronic music.]
How much longer are we gonna do this, Mr.
Pony? I got a wife and kids at home.
Look, what do you say we both drop the act? You talk, and I'll listen.
[clears throat.]
- [hoarsely.]
Water, please.
- All right.
Sure thing.
So did that water help you decide to finally tell me something? No.
I'm just a little horse.
Oh, you stupid jackass! Guys, guys! Here we go! Here comes Ashley! All: Surprise! - Jesus balls! - Happy birthday, Ashley! - Yeah, happy birthday.
You did it.
- Aw, guys.
You shouldn't have.
- Now, where are my presents? - First, the cake.
- Yeah, I'll light the candles.
- Roy, no! - The all-oxygen environment! - Light 'em up! [straining.]
Nice job, Roy.
You ruined another birthday.
[straining.]
Yep.
I see what happened there.
That one's on Roy.
That's Roy's bad.
[crackling.]
[sad music.]
[gunshot, body thuds.]