Trollied (2011) s02e14 Episode Script
Christmas Special
1 We have fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco.
I wasn't ready.
Weren't you ready? Valco serves you right.
Valco serves you right.
So, here we are.
December the 24th, the busiest day in the retail calendar, and mark my words, no one forgets their first Christmas Eve.
But do we panic? Yes, sir! We panic and get the job done! No, Julie, we don't panic.
Oh sorry.
I panicked.
I won't lie to you, there'll be times when you think we're not going to make it.
But we will if we stick together, as a team.
No one wants a repeat of Christmas Eve 2008 when we lost a man.
Rest in peace, Little Keith.
I only came in cos of the party tonight.
I've heard there's gonna be karaoke.
Karaoke? I'm not eating raw fish.
I imagine that most of you, like me, will have had a fairly sleepless night.
Tossing over the low levels of Christmas stock on our shelves.
Gavin tossing.
But rest assured a fresh delivery will be arriving imminen imminen in a minute.
Yes! The zombies are here! OK, this is it, people.
Our finest hour.
Let me hear you say "Merry Christmas.
" Merry Christmas! I've worked 12 Christmas Eves, the one where we lost Little Keith still gets me.
Just two days before he was due to hang up his fleece.
Ho, ho, ho! Holy Moses, we're almost out of port! It's only port, Gavin.
Only port? What will people have with their cheese, Julie? Lager? Its unthinkable.
I expect you'll be settling down to cheese and port tomorrow.
You know, if you have too much I could always come over and Well, unfortunately that sounds, er, highly unlikely.
Anna's got, er, quite a hectic day planned.
You're spending Christmas day with Anna? Yes, she's volunteered us at a soup kitchen.
Anna's, she's, er, quite in to her charity work.
Well, so am I, Gavin, but at Christmas, I mean you should be on your own.
Or, at least, with a close co-worker.
Yes, I must say, I'd gotten used to Christmas alone after Barbara died.
Just tell her, "I don't want to spend Christmas with you.
"Get out of my sight, you stupid woman!" Yes, I'm-I'm not sure that's quite in the spirit of Christmas.
Now where is that delivery? Morning, girls.
You know where I can find a supermarket that actually stocks food hey? Ha ha! Barry Hound! I was wondering when the Wigan branch might show up.
Well, tradition's tradition.
Christmas Eve, Hound and Strong go man to man.
Or should that be man to girl? Gavin's more manly than you'll ever be.
He's just got very thin wrists.
Last time I checked we'd beaten you five years in a row in Christmas takings, so you'll have to forgive me for not quaking in my boots.
It's all gonna change this year, Princess.
And boy, have I got a forfeit ready for you.
Now hang on, this has always been a very good-natured bet.
You're not chickening out are you, Gavin, love? Gavin would sooner blow his own head off! No, I'm not chickening out Stop! Stop it! Stop it! All right, fine.
It's a deal.
May the best branch win.
Oh So that's what a loser's hand feels like.
Bye girls I really wish he wouldn't pretend I'm a woman.
There we go, madam.
Ten pigs in blankets and ten pigs without blankets.
Someone's under the mistletoe and that someone, me, is expecting a Christmas kiss! What's that now, five Christmas kisses? Do I get a Christmas kiss off Andy? Not right now, Margaret I'm busy.
He don't like Christmas, remember? Oh, that's right.
Oh, what a shame.
You'll miss out on all the fun.
Miss out? Tomorrow I'm gonna sit down and watching the entire 1981 Ashes series.
What's more fun than watching Botham destroy 11 Aussies? Well festive.
It's all a con, Christmas.
A con every idiot falls for once a year.
Do you really not like anything about Christmas, Andy? You must like turkey.
Don't get me started on turkey.
Please don't get him started on turkey.
I never touch the stuff, Margaret.
Breaks my golden rule, never eat an animal uglier than you.
But you'll eat beef.
Beautiful animals, cows, it's all in the eyes.
You look a cow in the eye and tell me you're not tempted to lean in for a kiss.
Not now, Margaret! OK, what about pigs? Where are they on your sexy scale? Cracking sense of humour, pigs.
Smart, cheeky, feisty.
Like geese.
Lovely wiggle on a goose.
Remind me to never go to a petting zoo with you.
Always go on me own anyway.
Got time for a shag break? No chance.
We're working our arses off here.
Yeah? Give us a snog then.
Come here.
Come here.
Lucky chap, eh? D'you know, I've not been kissed like that since Well ever.
And while you're stocking up for Christmas why not try our two for one Yule logs.
You all right on your own for ten? Yeah, why? I think I need a Yule log of me own.
Ugh! Vile.
So what you got Alan this year? Well, what do you get the man who has everything? How about a big I've got him Walnut Whips.
OK.
You don't think that's a bit you know, predictable? No, he's never heard of them.
I said to him yesterday, "Alan.
have you heard of Walnut Whips?" and he said "No".
Oh, he'll be right surprised.
Merry Christmas, meat counter.
Have you all got your secret Santa gifts? I need to collect them up.
Looking forward to the party later? Looking forward to not going, yeah.
Ah, come on.
You can't let me go on my own.
It'll be rubbish without you.
It'll be rubbish full stop.
Plus, I'm going straight out after work, meeting some mates, so, sorry.
Ooh! Christmas kiss! Come on, you two! Give each other a Christmas kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Sorry, Margaret, no time.
I've gotta collect the presents.
Although I don't know why I'm doing it.
Ian's the one in the costume.
Well, that just another sign that Christmas has gone down the pan.
I don't like bragging, but when I used to do it I was the best Santa in the entire world.
You used to be the Valco Santa? Hard to believe, innit? Santa should have rosy cheeks, a big, fat belly Oh, hang on Yeah, I was the best.
I didn't just dress up as Santa I was Santa.
So how come you're not the Santa any more? Gavin decided I wasn't good enough and threw me on the scrapheap.
Yeah, the bit Andy's missed out is that he threw a child.
I didn't throw a child.
Some little upstart was trying to rip off m'beard, so I chucked him a bit, but he was asking for it.
No wonder you got banned.
You can't just beat up little kids.
Little kids?! He was 13! When I was 13 I had a full beard and a Jeep! Now my wife wants me to come home with turkey, Paxo, booze and crackers.
What am I meant to tell her? I understand what you're saying, sir, and we are looking into it.
Well, look into it harder.
She'll kill me.
Your man's lying.
Nobody's dropped a lorry off here.
Well, we're Warrington, not Wigan.
Well, he's taken it to the wrong branch! Well, who signed for it? Barry who? Skulls on fire! What's the matter? Barry Hound's got our delivery! That I'm so angry! Call him, Gavin! Call him now! And tell him to bring it back here right now.
I'm-I'm trying, don't crowd me, Julie.
You made me call Barry Howells by mistake.
You haven't got any port! Sshh! Now, Barry you listen to me, I'm gonna-I'm only gonna to say this once, alright where's our lorry? You knew very well that was ours when you signed for it.
Tell him he won't get away with this.
You won't get away with this! Tell him to bring it back.
Just bring it back! He says he won't.
Tell him it's Christmas Eve! It's Christmas Eve! Barry? He hung up.
What are we going to do? Well, without that delivery we won't outsell the corner shop, let alone the Wigan branch.
He's stolen Christmas, Julie.
Barry Hound has stolen Christmas.
That's better.
Aw.
Hey, imagine if you have him tomorrow.
He'll be like baby Jesus.
I'd be like Jesus's godmother.
I'm not spending Christmas day in hospital.
Two weeks I've been eating curries to induce the little git.
I swear he's just trying to wind me up.
Aw.
Hey, our neighbour's got a whole manger in his front yard.
You could have it there.
I could deliver it.
I'd be like You're not putting your hands anywhere near my fanny! Why not? We've all seen it! What you on about? Christmas party last year.
Oh, yeah.
It's a good job I'm not drinking today then, in't it? This lot'll barely last half an hour out there.
Barry Hound is going to be on the receiving end of a very strong letter come Boxing Day.
Why don't you just nick it back? Great thinking, Colin.
Yeah, let's just go out and steal a whole lorry.
I've stolen bigger.
2,000 Easter eggs I nicked once.
Where from? Erm Stealing a truck from another branch is the stuff of madness.
Whatever next? There'll be arson? Graverobbing? Murder? Although is it stealing? I mean, it is our lorry.
Julie, it runs against everything in the Valco rulebook.
I know you're going to hate me for saying this, Gavin, but maybe, just this once, damn the rulebook.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Here you go.
Have a good one.
Cheers.
Happy Christmas, arseholes.
Oh, here she is, Tiny Tim.
Forgotten your crutch, have you? I come bearing gifts and tidings of joy, as it goes.
Spare mince pies.
Mashed fruit has no business calling itself mince.
If there was a bit of cow in there, it'd be a different story.
Yeah, you'd probably try and get off with them.
Yes please? And a Merry Christmas to you an'all.
Any pies going spare? I'm starving.
Take the lot, Santa.
Cheers.
All right.
I reckon we could enter here at the loading bay.
It's easy.
Is this to scale? What? Yes, Leighton, obviously.
Obviously a functioning supermarket's hardly likely to be A1 size, is it? No, sorry.
Stupid.
Well, no, er Well done for asking a question.
Now, just like us, Wigan will have taken on several Christmas staff.
So we're in, we're in the perfect uniform.
And then you switch to the truck and you, Colin, you drive it out of there, seeing as you've got an HGV license.
Yeah, yeah, it says that on me CV, so yeah, I can do that.
Oh, it's like that film, Ocean's Three.
Let's do it.
If I If I don't make it back Take care of this old place.
Oh, please take me with you.
No, Julie.
You've got a store to run.
It's Christmas Eve.
Merry Christmas.
Can't believe Gavin didn't ask us to go.
Me and Ian have got more operational knowledge in our little fingers than him.
It's a classic covert smash and grab.
In and out in under a minute.
So go on then.
How would you two do it? Well, firstly, we wouldn't turn up in a van like them idiots.
Yeah, we'd go in through the air vents.
You two? Crawling through the air vents? Yeah.
Get in the vents, crawl to the frozen aisle.
Then we'd drop down from above gently, like snowflakes.
Oh, I'd love to see that.
Then what would you do? Stick together.
If you split up you'll only get picked off one by one.
Like in Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo? We're talking military strategy here.
Recon.
Combat.
Scooby Doo! Right, you two dropping down in the middle of the store.
Then what? Obvious.
Take a hostage.
Woah, why we taking a hostage? I never knew there'd be hostages.
What do you suggest? Call Scrappy Doo? Stun grenades.
Stun grenades? Are you having a laugh? I'm going to lunch.
Any more of this and I'm going to cut me own ears off.
Yeah, off you go, Shaggy! Stun grenades! Yes, my love? Risen with angels singing Excuse me, love, do you work here? Yes.
Oh, well, not here here.
At the deli.
And that's not here.
Well, it is here, it's just not here here.
It's over there there.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, get in! You want it? Careful.
You know what happened last time you did that? Hey, you get all your shopping done? Yes, managed to get all the kids pressies in one go.
Lovely Mickey Mouse snow globes.
Aw, I'm sure they'll love them.
Yeah, hopefully they'll start calling me dad again soon.
So, Christmas day at your folks? Yep.
Emma not coming round then? Only thing Emma's coming round to is the idea of never seeing me again.
Oh.
Well, maybe this'll cheer you up.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, no way! You didn't have to do that.
I thought you could hang it on your bedroom door now that you've moved back with your parents.
Thanks I'm sorry, I didn't get you anything.
Oh, it's all right.
You're going through a lot so Anyway, you got me this beautiful ring.
Thanks.
S'alright.
I'll make it up to you at the party.
I told you, I'm not going.
Come on.
It's not like either of us has got anything better to do.
Well, it's not like I've got anything better to do.
All right then.
Yes! But only out of sympathy.
You owe me one.
Anybody want to pull my cracker? Nah, you're all right.
Oh, go on then.
I've already lost once.
I wouldn't worry, I've never won one of these.
That'll be the snow globes.
At least you won the cracker.
It's actually erm empty.
There you go sir, Merry Christmas.
Bugger me.
He's coming this way! Coming this way! All right, mate? You look amazing.
I mean not-not amazing, er, you know what I mean Sorry, sorry, er, it's just I've dreamt of this moment Not-not dreamt in that way, you know, we weren't naked or anything.
Well, we weren't wearing much but we were on holiday.
You know, Speedos You're OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
Just a bit overcome.
I'm looking for um, roasting joints? Beef.
For, say, ten people? I hate turkeys at Christmas.
Exactly what I was saying earlier.
Ugly birds those turkeys.
Yeah, I know! Not like a sexy little goose.
Andy Richmond by the way.
Big, big fan.
There she is - the Golden Goose.
Right let's get her out of there.
Gavin, if you want, I can just go to the warehouse and have a shit.
I've already got a turtle's head No, Colin.
Absolutely not.
Gavin what do you think's out there? In the other Valco? Well, it's exactly like our store, Leighton.
Only with Barry Hound throwing his weight around.
Now, Colin, you jump in the cab, I'll make sure it's all in there.
Ah, perfect.
I actually didn't think it would be this easy.
Right, OK.
We're good to go.
Where's Leighton? Heck and hell! Leighton! Fuck him! Gavin! Gavin! Gavin! Let's go! Come on! I wanna drive a truck! Again.
And you will do, Colin.
But no man gets left behind.
I'm not having another little Keith.
Not on my watch.
Come on.
Martin Luther King.
Keifer Sutherland and the Sugababes.
A man of my own heart, Andy.
Oh, thank you, Sir Ian.
That means a lot.
No, no, Beefy.
Cheers, Beefy.
Here's your beef y.
Looks a bit tough, Andy.
You what? Just looks a bit like a cheap cut.
A cheap cut? From my counter? Well, it just looks a bit ragged.
Like stewing steak.
All due respect, you don't know what you're talking about, mate.
I think I know a bit more about beef than some supermarket butcher.
Oh, you do, do you, Beefy? Hello, Sue.
You er, looking forward to the party later? I've got more important things on my mind, Neville.
Like trying to squeeze a person out of me.
No, right.
I see.
Actually I er, wanted a quick word.
I've got Linda in the secret Santa and I've got no idea what to get her.
Now what does she like? Talking shit.
Right, er not sure what I can get her for that.
Any other ideas? Maybe something for her and her boyfriend? She's not got a boyfriend.
Not got a boyfriend? Lovely filly like Linda? Y'alright.
Er, Sue says you're not courting.
Pretty girl like you? Give over.
I tell you, Linda, the men of Warrington are fools.
Bloody fools! Aw.
Right, hop it, Neville.
We've got enough on our plates here without you trying to chat us up.
Catch you later, Linda.
Sue.
Aw.
He's quite sweet, in't he? What? It's the ultimate.
The ultimate Valco.
Excuse me, do you work here? Er yes.
Yes I work in Wigan, I live in Wigan as well.
Wigan.
Great, where are the crackers? I don't know.
Leighton! Leighton! Hey.
Hey.
Are you one of the Christmas staff? Er, yeah.
Oh, welcome to Valco.
Let me know if you need a hand.
I'll get one of the regulars to help you.
No, I'm all right cheers.
OK then.
Merry Christmas! What a dog.
Excuse me, I can't find the parsnips.
Oh, right, er Parsnips.
Please put the item in the bag.
Please scan the barcode or select Please scan the barcode or select an item.
Oi, your queue's turning in to a conga.
Quicker, son.
Quicker.
Excuse me.
Are you listening, fella? Why aye, mon.
You what? I'll be gettin' through as quick as I can, like.
And sort your beard out.
You look like a tramp.
Bloody Christmas staff.
Leighton! Leighton.
You take it back.
Oi, you two, pack it in! OK, OK.
You weren't a reckless batsman.
Get off him! We'll have no hoo har here! Say that again and next time I'll put you to sleep.
You put me to sleep yakking on about your charity walks all the time.
Anyone can walk.
Numpty.
If there's a cheap cut of beef around here, it's you, mate.
I'm disappointed, Andy.
Oh, come here then.
If he thinks I'm watching his DVD he's got another thing coming! Hurry up! Before we get caught! But they even had a grotto, Gavin! With presents under the tree.
Presents?! Do you think they were real? Real presents? No, they're probably not worth the financial risk.
It's probably just kind of blocks of polystyrene or Come on! Yes, come on! What am I supposed to use instead of cranberry sauce? Fucking raspberry jam? I'm sure there's people in Africa who'd be very grateful for raspberry jam at Christmas.
Ask Bob Geldof.
Come on, Gavin, where are you? But it's Christmas bloody Eve, you maniac! And I'm sorry, Vic, but we are expecting a delivery very soon.
Come on! Who wants a happy Christmas? Here we go.
All right.
Is there any figgy pudding? We've got everything except three French hens.
You know, I suspect that Colin might need an HGV refreshers course.
You know he drove straight over a roundabout on the way back.
Gavin, you have saved Christmas! One minute you're a mild-mannered store manager, and the next you're a super-hero.
Valco's very own Clark Kent.
Isn't there already a Clark Kent in Valco? Yeah, I'm sure he's deputy manager at Chester.
No, Superman.
And me as Lois Lane.
Ready for you to come and take me up into the sky.
Yeah, well, you know my head for heights, I think that might be out of the question.
Oh, well, take me on the ground then.
Oh, not take me on the ground, I just mean take me.
Oh, not sexually.
I mean, unless um No, oooh well done, my hero.
Well, I wasn't gonna let Barry Hound get away with that.
Now, let's spread some flippin' happiness! We'd like to tell customers that Valco's shelves are being loaded with fresh Christmas goodies, straight off the delivery truck.
What you doing with them? Told you, I'm gonna deliver the baby.
Get away from me, you idiot.
Come on, I wanna meet my godson.
I'm gonna wet m'self! Merry Christmas.
Bloody hell.
I am knackered.
Did you pigs eat all the pies? No, we gave them to Santa.
That's what you're supposed to do, innit? Santa? What, Ian? Fatso Ian? Oh, do you ever say anything nice about anyone? But they were meant for you.
I'd made them special.
Sorry.
I didn't realise you'd gone to so much trouble.
You know, perhaps I've been a bit hard on you in the past.
You know, for you to go out of your way and make me a special batch Don't be soft.
I mean I made "special" mince pies.
There's enough laxative in them to crap your own arse off.
Maybe someone should tell Ian.
Santa! Not now, son! Ohhh! Silent night Holy night.
Excuse me! All is calm All is bright This is a reminder to all customers, the store will be closing in five minutes.
Oh, I do hope we've given Wigan a thorough thrashing in the figures.
Where the hell have you been? It's nearly time to close up.
Where's your Santa costume gone? I don't know how to say this, but er It's the suit.
I had a bit of an accident in the suit.
Whatever happened? Did you fall? Well, let's just say I shat meself.
Oh.
Oh, Lord.
I-I-I'll take it out the back and burn it.
Oh Accidents happen, eh? Urgh.
We did it then.
The store is now closed.
Best day ever.
Please make your way to leave.
Yeah, mate.
And drive safely.
Here he is, Ronnie Biggs.
Big enough for me, anyway.
And where have you been? Me? Holding out for me hero.
Oh, yeah? Mmm.
Well, I say holding out.
I had a quick frig at lunch time.
Mmm.
Ooooh.
Hey.
No.
No.
Merry Christmas, Vic.
See you on Boxing Day, Gavin.
Ian.
Lock the doors! We did it, everyone! Cracking work! Just look around you.
Look at all those empty shelves stripped bare.
It's like there's been a global disaster! Well done! Let's get pissed! Well, I-I wouldn't exactly use those words, Sharon, but you're all allowed to let your hair down.
So come on let's let our hair down! Oh, we make a great team, don't we Gavin? Oh, the best, Julie.
Or should I say, Lois Lane.
You look nice, Julie.
Oh, well.
If you can't make an effort on Christmas Eve, then when can you? You on the pull then? No, of course not.
But if I did want to make myself look a bit more, you know, um "pullable" what should I do? Well, my advice would be to accentuate your best features.
Yeah.
Or show off a bit of tit.
Can I borrow your perfume? Yeah, course.
Cheers.
Look out, women of Valco.
Neville is off the leash and is looking sharp.
Here you are, Nev, would you just hold that a sec for us, please? Oh, lovely.
Woo! Go get 'em.
I just couldn't get the zip undone in time.
Next thing you knew - bang - game over.
We've all been there.
Still, at least I managed to save my hat.
Well, that's all you need to be Santa - a hat and a beard.
I got shit on the beard.
Oh, Julie, you look great.
Oh, don't.
I feel like a big silly Christmas present.
Oh, yeah? Who's going to unwrap you later? Sorry.
Happy Christmas.
I think I'll just go and get myself a Twiglet.
Right then, you've got me here.
How you gonna make it worth my while? Er, we could do a duet on the karaoke? Or we could just get really drunk.
That's a better idea.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Coming through.
Mind your backs.
There you are, ladies.
Double vodka and lemonade, one orange juice and Ah, that's empty.
You spending Christmas with your kids, then? Oh, yes.
I just wish I had something more to give them tomorrow than a bag of shattered glass.
Ah Nev.
Come on, let's have a dance.
Right.
OK, but I warn you, the last time I disco danced I slipped a disk.
So, are the results in? Oh, yes.
I'll be printing them off in a mo.
I've got a good feeling we're going to thrash that stinking Hound.
I can't wait to see you rub his nose in it.
Oh.
My ears burning? Ah.
Ah, yeah, well, I thought I could smell a dirty Hound.
Come on, I ain't got time to chew the dung.
Let's go and get our takings out, see whose is biggest, eh? Eh! Holly and ivy, we did it! Only two grand in it.
Bastards! Ah, better luck next time, Barry.
Looks like the best branch won.
I'm not sure how you found the time to outsell us and steal a lorry from our loading bay.
What? Steal Steal a lorry? I've no idea what you're talking about.
No? Well, maybe there's something up with this CCTV footage, then.
Alright, alright! Yes! Yes, we stole back our lorry.
You had no right to keep it in the first place.
You had no right, Barry! I should haul your arse up in front of Martin Shell - see what he makes of all this.
Oh, hang on.
N-n-n-n-no, we don't have to involve head office.
Don't we? It's theft, Gavin.
And you know what? What? I didn't know you had the balls! So y-you're not going to tell head office? Tell 'em what? That Gav Strong's a bloody leg'? Soft pal! Someone's under the mistletoe.
And that someone - me - is expecting a Christmas kiss.
So let's call it a draw.
Are you sure about this? Sure as shit, pal.
Oh, well, I guess that means that neither of has to do the forfeit.
Hallelujah! Er, think again.
In my book, that means we both have to do the forfeit, which, by the way, is make a prank call to Martin Shell.
What!? Are you out of your mind? Make a prank call to a member of senior Valco management? Come on let's see those big balls of yours, eh! Ho Awww, isn't that sweet? So, do you wanna dance as well, then? Do I look like I do? What, you embarrassed or something? Stop it.
I've got the moves.
Come on.
Come on then, Leighton.
Let's have it.
You're such a tit.
Well, er, is there a Mrs Wall there? Oh, I see.
Well em, are there any Walls there? Well, if there's no walls, how does your roof stay up? We've got your wife.
We want two million quid.
What the heck did you say that for? Don't get your knickers in a twist - he won't know it was us.
You did mask your caller ID, didn't you? What? You dialled it.
Shit.
You're on your own, pal.
See you same time next year, eh? Honestly it was just a-a-a-a-a Christmas prank that backfired.
I really can't apologise enough, er, Martin.
Well, how long has she been missing for? Well, I-I-I'm sure she'll turn up soon.
Y-y-yeah, good luck with that, Martin.
So what's happened? Where's Barry Hound? Oh, well, the big bad Hound has scurried back to Wigan.
Did we win? Er Well, yes, in a manner of speaking.
Still my, my, my, look at you! You look gorgeous, Julie! Don't.
It's just something I threw on.
You look like the sugar plum fairy.
Do you really mean that? Oh, Gavin, this is the best party ever! Hmmm.
I still feel like there's something's missing.
Oh, really? Something right under your nose, maybe? Yes, yes, you could say that.
Won't be a mo.
Andy, several years ago I made a very big mistake and I'd to rectify that now Check.
Come on.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day You gave it away This year To save me from tears Merry Christmas everybody! Ho! Ho! Ho! It's time to find out who's been naughty or nice.
Ah where's Ian? I've got one for little Ian.
Where is he? Wey! Look at that.
Shat himself.
Ooh, hello there, Santa! Wondered where you were.
Have you got me a present? Yeah, where's my present? Oh, I can't be arsed with this.
Just, just help yourselves.
Best Santa ever.
Sorry, S-Santa.
Did you get my letters? What? Leighton it's me.
Andy.
You're Santa? This came for you earlier.
Merry Christmas.
Ta.
Awww, no way.
Beefy left this for me? Awww, it's signed and everything.
I heard you two nearly killed each other earlier.
Just harmless joshing between a couple of mates who like a bit of rough and tumble.
"To Andy.
Fuck off.
Sir Ian Botham.
" Harmless joshing.
Merry Christmas, everybody! Santa baby slip a sable Under the tree for me Get them off! I've been an awful good girl Santa baby So hurry down the chimney Tonight Argh! Lords a-leaping! Get 'em on! Don't look! I told her, "Show a bit of tit," but that was mental.
Oh, Margaret? What are you doing here? Well, I felt a bit cold, so I thought, "I'll get me cardie.
" You alright, Julie, love? Oh, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.
In front of the staff.
For all to see.
Julie, you're a good egg - a good egg.
And you'll always be a good egg, and you're a pretty egg at that.
Oh, that's kind of you, Margaret But sometimes eggs just crack.
Right, y-yes.
And, one day, he'll see what's right under his nose, just like what my Alan did.
Oh.
Oh, thanks, Margaret.
It'll be lonely this Christmas Lonely Wine, m'lady? Yes, thank you, sir.
I dunno how much more of this singing I can stand.
Shall we take this somewhere else? Yeah, go on, then.
It'll be lonely this Christmas Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
I'm sorry about what happened earlier, Gavin.
You know, about my um my assets.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Julie.
I suppose you got a good glimpse? Well, y-y-you have my word, I averted my eyes in a flash.
Oh, well.
But I-I-I would like to say thank you.
Um Thank you for all your hard work.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I'd die without you.
Well, I'm sure you wouldn't.
I love I love Twiglets.
Oh so do I, Julie.
Merry Christmas, Gavin.
Merry Christmas, Julie.
No.
No, Martin, I promise you it was just, it was just a joke.
Your wife's not back yet? No.
No, of course I'll, I'll come and help you look for her.
I must be off.
Sometimes, I could ring Barry Hound's neck.
Merry Christmas, Julie.
I don't mind saying, mate, you make a better Santa than me.
Oh, give over.
No.
You do, mate.
Well, I suppose you did shit yourself.
Still, it's big of you to admit it.
So, er, no hard feelings eh? Nah.
Karaoke? "Born to be Wild?" Get it on.
So, there's no chance of you and Emma getting back together again? Not after the present she got me.
Nothing quite says "Merry Christmas" like divorce papers.
Oh, I'm sorry, Kieran.
That's rough.
You don't deserve that.
Yep.
You're beautiful.
What? You're beautiful.
Aww, Nev, you funny thing, you.
You must have heard it a hundred thousand times.
No-one's ever said that to me before.
Do you want to come back to mine? Heavens above.
Do you mean it? Yeah! I'm pretty pissed but I warn you, it'll be wild.
Can you handle wild? I can give it a ruddy good go.
Good grief.
Right, absolutely.
Head back to yours, flipping heck.
Back to yours.
No, definitely.
I'll wait.
I'll get my coat, freshen up.
Don't be long.
Meet me out front.
I can't believe this is happening.
So, I'm 24, living with my mum, working on a supermarket meat counter and soon to be divorced.
I've messed up my life, haven't I? You haven't messed up your life, you big drama queen.
You'll be fine.
Why did I marry Emma? Cos you're an idiot? I used to like her.
I just I like someone else more.
Are you sure you should be? Yeah.
Ahem.
Shit.
Neville!? Sorry.
I, er, didn't mean to interrupt.
I was just, er, wondering if you've er Well, it's a bit er, it's a bit delicate.
What is it, Nev? Kieran, can I have a word, man to man.
Do you have any rubber Johnnies? No, Neville, sorry, I don't have any rubber Johnnies.
Nab some from behind the kiosk.
I've not got the right change that's why I'm Oh, bloody hell.
Keep the rest.
Wow.
You just bought Neville condoms.
Yep.
So we just Yeah A bit weird, wasn't it? It wasn't weird.
It was nice, you know? Just nice? No, no It was really nice.
I'm dreaming of a White Christmas Just like the ones I used to know Alright, see ya later.
See ya later.
Bye.
.
.
and children listen Hey, everyone, come and look - it's snowing.
Ding dong ding dong.
Ha, got you! You gullible morons.
I'm dreaming of a White Christmas Come on, everybody.
With every Christmas card I write Who you waiting for, Linda? Er no-one.
Watch it.
Anyone wanna go to a club? What do you reckon? Yeah, why not? It could be fun.
Count us in.
You two, do you wanna go clubbing? Which club? Tinker's.
Yes, they've got a grime night on.
Oh, no, I don't like grime at all.
Think I'll pass as well, kids.
First cab's here.
Come on, people, some of us want to get home.
Oh, shit.
It's Emma.
I better get this.
You alright? You coming, Katie? It's alright.
I'll wait for Kieran.
Two more cabs.
Is everyone here? Still holding the teat, put the condom on top of the penis, roll down with your other hand.
Got it.
This is it.
This is actually happening.
Oh, God.
The little shit! You what!? My waters - they just broke.
Typical! He's coming out on bloody Christmas Day.
You little bastard! Oh, my God.
Like, baby Jesus is coming now? Right.
Nobody panic, I just need loads of hot water.
I'm not having it here.
Ian, change of plan, this one's going to the hospital.
Right.
Don't worry.
Come on, I'll come with you.
I told you.
I knew I'd end up having it Christmas day.
Frigging typical.
A-are you going to get the last taxi, Katie? It's alright, I'll walk home.
Merry Christmas.
Yes.
You too, Katie.
Right, Ian, come on, let's lock it down.
Nothing can go wrong now.
Merry Christmas, Neville.
Merry Christmas.
Where's Katie? She's gone home, so's everyone else.
But for some reason I'm still here talking to you.
She's gone home? Yes.
Oh.
At last.
You coming Julie? Yeah, yeah, just a minute.
Merry Christmas, Valco.
Hello? Anybody.
Hello Oh, bollocks.
Delivered daily.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco.
I wasn't ready.
Weren't you ready? Valco serves you right.
Valco serves you right.
So, here we are.
December the 24th, the busiest day in the retail calendar, and mark my words, no one forgets their first Christmas Eve.
But do we panic? Yes, sir! We panic and get the job done! No, Julie, we don't panic.
Oh sorry.
I panicked.
I won't lie to you, there'll be times when you think we're not going to make it.
But we will if we stick together, as a team.
No one wants a repeat of Christmas Eve 2008 when we lost a man.
Rest in peace, Little Keith.
I only came in cos of the party tonight.
I've heard there's gonna be karaoke.
Karaoke? I'm not eating raw fish.
I imagine that most of you, like me, will have had a fairly sleepless night.
Tossing over the low levels of Christmas stock on our shelves.
Gavin tossing.
But rest assured a fresh delivery will be arriving imminen imminen in a minute.
Yes! The zombies are here! OK, this is it, people.
Our finest hour.
Let me hear you say "Merry Christmas.
" Merry Christmas! I've worked 12 Christmas Eves, the one where we lost Little Keith still gets me.
Just two days before he was due to hang up his fleece.
Ho, ho, ho! Holy Moses, we're almost out of port! It's only port, Gavin.
Only port? What will people have with their cheese, Julie? Lager? Its unthinkable.
I expect you'll be settling down to cheese and port tomorrow.
You know, if you have too much I could always come over and Well, unfortunately that sounds, er, highly unlikely.
Anna's got, er, quite a hectic day planned.
You're spending Christmas day with Anna? Yes, she's volunteered us at a soup kitchen.
Anna's, she's, er, quite in to her charity work.
Well, so am I, Gavin, but at Christmas, I mean you should be on your own.
Or, at least, with a close co-worker.
Yes, I must say, I'd gotten used to Christmas alone after Barbara died.
Just tell her, "I don't want to spend Christmas with you.
"Get out of my sight, you stupid woman!" Yes, I'm-I'm not sure that's quite in the spirit of Christmas.
Now where is that delivery? Morning, girls.
You know where I can find a supermarket that actually stocks food hey? Ha ha! Barry Hound! I was wondering when the Wigan branch might show up.
Well, tradition's tradition.
Christmas Eve, Hound and Strong go man to man.
Or should that be man to girl? Gavin's more manly than you'll ever be.
He's just got very thin wrists.
Last time I checked we'd beaten you five years in a row in Christmas takings, so you'll have to forgive me for not quaking in my boots.
It's all gonna change this year, Princess.
And boy, have I got a forfeit ready for you.
Now hang on, this has always been a very good-natured bet.
You're not chickening out are you, Gavin, love? Gavin would sooner blow his own head off! No, I'm not chickening out Stop! Stop it! Stop it! All right, fine.
It's a deal.
May the best branch win.
Oh So that's what a loser's hand feels like.
Bye girls I really wish he wouldn't pretend I'm a woman.
There we go, madam.
Ten pigs in blankets and ten pigs without blankets.
Someone's under the mistletoe and that someone, me, is expecting a Christmas kiss! What's that now, five Christmas kisses? Do I get a Christmas kiss off Andy? Not right now, Margaret I'm busy.
He don't like Christmas, remember? Oh, that's right.
Oh, what a shame.
You'll miss out on all the fun.
Miss out? Tomorrow I'm gonna sit down and watching the entire 1981 Ashes series.
What's more fun than watching Botham destroy 11 Aussies? Well festive.
It's all a con, Christmas.
A con every idiot falls for once a year.
Do you really not like anything about Christmas, Andy? You must like turkey.
Don't get me started on turkey.
Please don't get him started on turkey.
I never touch the stuff, Margaret.
Breaks my golden rule, never eat an animal uglier than you.
But you'll eat beef.
Beautiful animals, cows, it's all in the eyes.
You look a cow in the eye and tell me you're not tempted to lean in for a kiss.
Not now, Margaret! OK, what about pigs? Where are they on your sexy scale? Cracking sense of humour, pigs.
Smart, cheeky, feisty.
Like geese.
Lovely wiggle on a goose.
Remind me to never go to a petting zoo with you.
Always go on me own anyway.
Got time for a shag break? No chance.
We're working our arses off here.
Yeah? Give us a snog then.
Come here.
Come here.
Lucky chap, eh? D'you know, I've not been kissed like that since Well ever.
And while you're stocking up for Christmas why not try our two for one Yule logs.
You all right on your own for ten? Yeah, why? I think I need a Yule log of me own.
Ugh! Vile.
So what you got Alan this year? Well, what do you get the man who has everything? How about a big I've got him Walnut Whips.
OK.
You don't think that's a bit you know, predictable? No, he's never heard of them.
I said to him yesterday, "Alan.
have you heard of Walnut Whips?" and he said "No".
Oh, he'll be right surprised.
Merry Christmas, meat counter.
Have you all got your secret Santa gifts? I need to collect them up.
Looking forward to the party later? Looking forward to not going, yeah.
Ah, come on.
You can't let me go on my own.
It'll be rubbish without you.
It'll be rubbish full stop.
Plus, I'm going straight out after work, meeting some mates, so, sorry.
Ooh! Christmas kiss! Come on, you two! Give each other a Christmas kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Sorry, Margaret, no time.
I've gotta collect the presents.
Although I don't know why I'm doing it.
Ian's the one in the costume.
Well, that just another sign that Christmas has gone down the pan.
I don't like bragging, but when I used to do it I was the best Santa in the entire world.
You used to be the Valco Santa? Hard to believe, innit? Santa should have rosy cheeks, a big, fat belly Oh, hang on Yeah, I was the best.
I didn't just dress up as Santa I was Santa.
So how come you're not the Santa any more? Gavin decided I wasn't good enough and threw me on the scrapheap.
Yeah, the bit Andy's missed out is that he threw a child.
I didn't throw a child.
Some little upstart was trying to rip off m'beard, so I chucked him a bit, but he was asking for it.
No wonder you got banned.
You can't just beat up little kids.
Little kids?! He was 13! When I was 13 I had a full beard and a Jeep! Now my wife wants me to come home with turkey, Paxo, booze and crackers.
What am I meant to tell her? I understand what you're saying, sir, and we are looking into it.
Well, look into it harder.
She'll kill me.
Your man's lying.
Nobody's dropped a lorry off here.
Well, we're Warrington, not Wigan.
Well, he's taken it to the wrong branch! Well, who signed for it? Barry who? Skulls on fire! What's the matter? Barry Hound's got our delivery! That I'm so angry! Call him, Gavin! Call him now! And tell him to bring it back here right now.
I'm-I'm trying, don't crowd me, Julie.
You made me call Barry Howells by mistake.
You haven't got any port! Sshh! Now, Barry you listen to me, I'm gonna-I'm only gonna to say this once, alright where's our lorry? You knew very well that was ours when you signed for it.
Tell him he won't get away with this.
You won't get away with this! Tell him to bring it back.
Just bring it back! He says he won't.
Tell him it's Christmas Eve! It's Christmas Eve! Barry? He hung up.
What are we going to do? Well, without that delivery we won't outsell the corner shop, let alone the Wigan branch.
He's stolen Christmas, Julie.
Barry Hound has stolen Christmas.
That's better.
Aw.
Hey, imagine if you have him tomorrow.
He'll be like baby Jesus.
I'd be like Jesus's godmother.
I'm not spending Christmas day in hospital.
Two weeks I've been eating curries to induce the little git.
I swear he's just trying to wind me up.
Aw.
Hey, our neighbour's got a whole manger in his front yard.
You could have it there.
I could deliver it.
I'd be like You're not putting your hands anywhere near my fanny! Why not? We've all seen it! What you on about? Christmas party last year.
Oh, yeah.
It's a good job I'm not drinking today then, in't it? This lot'll barely last half an hour out there.
Barry Hound is going to be on the receiving end of a very strong letter come Boxing Day.
Why don't you just nick it back? Great thinking, Colin.
Yeah, let's just go out and steal a whole lorry.
I've stolen bigger.
2,000 Easter eggs I nicked once.
Where from? Erm Stealing a truck from another branch is the stuff of madness.
Whatever next? There'll be arson? Graverobbing? Murder? Although is it stealing? I mean, it is our lorry.
Julie, it runs against everything in the Valco rulebook.
I know you're going to hate me for saying this, Gavin, but maybe, just this once, damn the rulebook.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Here you go.
Have a good one.
Cheers.
Happy Christmas, arseholes.
Oh, here she is, Tiny Tim.
Forgotten your crutch, have you? I come bearing gifts and tidings of joy, as it goes.
Spare mince pies.
Mashed fruit has no business calling itself mince.
If there was a bit of cow in there, it'd be a different story.
Yeah, you'd probably try and get off with them.
Yes please? And a Merry Christmas to you an'all.
Any pies going spare? I'm starving.
Take the lot, Santa.
Cheers.
All right.
I reckon we could enter here at the loading bay.
It's easy.
Is this to scale? What? Yes, Leighton, obviously.
Obviously a functioning supermarket's hardly likely to be A1 size, is it? No, sorry.
Stupid.
Well, no, er Well done for asking a question.
Now, just like us, Wigan will have taken on several Christmas staff.
So we're in, we're in the perfect uniform.
And then you switch to the truck and you, Colin, you drive it out of there, seeing as you've got an HGV license.
Yeah, yeah, it says that on me CV, so yeah, I can do that.
Oh, it's like that film, Ocean's Three.
Let's do it.
If I If I don't make it back Take care of this old place.
Oh, please take me with you.
No, Julie.
You've got a store to run.
It's Christmas Eve.
Merry Christmas.
Can't believe Gavin didn't ask us to go.
Me and Ian have got more operational knowledge in our little fingers than him.
It's a classic covert smash and grab.
In and out in under a minute.
So go on then.
How would you two do it? Well, firstly, we wouldn't turn up in a van like them idiots.
Yeah, we'd go in through the air vents.
You two? Crawling through the air vents? Yeah.
Get in the vents, crawl to the frozen aisle.
Then we'd drop down from above gently, like snowflakes.
Oh, I'd love to see that.
Then what would you do? Stick together.
If you split up you'll only get picked off one by one.
Like in Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo? We're talking military strategy here.
Recon.
Combat.
Scooby Doo! Right, you two dropping down in the middle of the store.
Then what? Obvious.
Take a hostage.
Woah, why we taking a hostage? I never knew there'd be hostages.
What do you suggest? Call Scrappy Doo? Stun grenades.
Stun grenades? Are you having a laugh? I'm going to lunch.
Any more of this and I'm going to cut me own ears off.
Yeah, off you go, Shaggy! Stun grenades! Yes, my love? Risen with angels singing Excuse me, love, do you work here? Yes.
Oh, well, not here here.
At the deli.
And that's not here.
Well, it is here, it's just not here here.
It's over there there.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, get in! You want it? Careful.
You know what happened last time you did that? Hey, you get all your shopping done? Yes, managed to get all the kids pressies in one go.
Lovely Mickey Mouse snow globes.
Aw, I'm sure they'll love them.
Yeah, hopefully they'll start calling me dad again soon.
So, Christmas day at your folks? Yep.
Emma not coming round then? Only thing Emma's coming round to is the idea of never seeing me again.
Oh.
Well, maybe this'll cheer you up.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, no way! You didn't have to do that.
I thought you could hang it on your bedroom door now that you've moved back with your parents.
Thanks I'm sorry, I didn't get you anything.
Oh, it's all right.
You're going through a lot so Anyway, you got me this beautiful ring.
Thanks.
S'alright.
I'll make it up to you at the party.
I told you, I'm not going.
Come on.
It's not like either of us has got anything better to do.
Well, it's not like I've got anything better to do.
All right then.
Yes! But only out of sympathy.
You owe me one.
Anybody want to pull my cracker? Nah, you're all right.
Oh, go on then.
I've already lost once.
I wouldn't worry, I've never won one of these.
That'll be the snow globes.
At least you won the cracker.
It's actually erm empty.
There you go sir, Merry Christmas.
Bugger me.
He's coming this way! Coming this way! All right, mate? You look amazing.
I mean not-not amazing, er, you know what I mean Sorry, sorry, er, it's just I've dreamt of this moment Not-not dreamt in that way, you know, we weren't naked or anything.
Well, we weren't wearing much but we were on holiday.
You know, Speedos You're OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
Just a bit overcome.
I'm looking for um, roasting joints? Beef.
For, say, ten people? I hate turkeys at Christmas.
Exactly what I was saying earlier.
Ugly birds those turkeys.
Yeah, I know! Not like a sexy little goose.
Andy Richmond by the way.
Big, big fan.
There she is - the Golden Goose.
Right let's get her out of there.
Gavin, if you want, I can just go to the warehouse and have a shit.
I've already got a turtle's head No, Colin.
Absolutely not.
Gavin what do you think's out there? In the other Valco? Well, it's exactly like our store, Leighton.
Only with Barry Hound throwing his weight around.
Now, Colin, you jump in the cab, I'll make sure it's all in there.
Ah, perfect.
I actually didn't think it would be this easy.
Right, OK.
We're good to go.
Where's Leighton? Heck and hell! Leighton! Fuck him! Gavin! Gavin! Gavin! Let's go! Come on! I wanna drive a truck! Again.
And you will do, Colin.
But no man gets left behind.
I'm not having another little Keith.
Not on my watch.
Come on.
Martin Luther King.
Keifer Sutherland and the Sugababes.
A man of my own heart, Andy.
Oh, thank you, Sir Ian.
That means a lot.
No, no, Beefy.
Cheers, Beefy.
Here's your beef y.
Looks a bit tough, Andy.
You what? Just looks a bit like a cheap cut.
A cheap cut? From my counter? Well, it just looks a bit ragged.
Like stewing steak.
All due respect, you don't know what you're talking about, mate.
I think I know a bit more about beef than some supermarket butcher.
Oh, you do, do you, Beefy? Hello, Sue.
You er, looking forward to the party later? I've got more important things on my mind, Neville.
Like trying to squeeze a person out of me.
No, right.
I see.
Actually I er, wanted a quick word.
I've got Linda in the secret Santa and I've got no idea what to get her.
Now what does she like? Talking shit.
Right, er not sure what I can get her for that.
Any other ideas? Maybe something for her and her boyfriend? She's not got a boyfriend.
Not got a boyfriend? Lovely filly like Linda? Y'alright.
Er, Sue says you're not courting.
Pretty girl like you? Give over.
I tell you, Linda, the men of Warrington are fools.
Bloody fools! Aw.
Right, hop it, Neville.
We've got enough on our plates here without you trying to chat us up.
Catch you later, Linda.
Sue.
Aw.
He's quite sweet, in't he? What? It's the ultimate.
The ultimate Valco.
Excuse me, do you work here? Er yes.
Yes I work in Wigan, I live in Wigan as well.
Wigan.
Great, where are the crackers? I don't know.
Leighton! Leighton! Hey.
Hey.
Are you one of the Christmas staff? Er, yeah.
Oh, welcome to Valco.
Let me know if you need a hand.
I'll get one of the regulars to help you.
No, I'm all right cheers.
OK then.
Merry Christmas! What a dog.
Excuse me, I can't find the parsnips.
Oh, right, er Parsnips.
Please put the item in the bag.
Please scan the barcode or select Please scan the barcode or select an item.
Oi, your queue's turning in to a conga.
Quicker, son.
Quicker.
Excuse me.
Are you listening, fella? Why aye, mon.
You what? I'll be gettin' through as quick as I can, like.
And sort your beard out.
You look like a tramp.
Bloody Christmas staff.
Leighton! Leighton.
You take it back.
Oi, you two, pack it in! OK, OK.
You weren't a reckless batsman.
Get off him! We'll have no hoo har here! Say that again and next time I'll put you to sleep.
You put me to sleep yakking on about your charity walks all the time.
Anyone can walk.
Numpty.
If there's a cheap cut of beef around here, it's you, mate.
I'm disappointed, Andy.
Oh, come here then.
If he thinks I'm watching his DVD he's got another thing coming! Hurry up! Before we get caught! But they even had a grotto, Gavin! With presents under the tree.
Presents?! Do you think they were real? Real presents? No, they're probably not worth the financial risk.
It's probably just kind of blocks of polystyrene or Come on! Yes, come on! What am I supposed to use instead of cranberry sauce? Fucking raspberry jam? I'm sure there's people in Africa who'd be very grateful for raspberry jam at Christmas.
Ask Bob Geldof.
Come on, Gavin, where are you? But it's Christmas bloody Eve, you maniac! And I'm sorry, Vic, but we are expecting a delivery very soon.
Come on! Who wants a happy Christmas? Here we go.
All right.
Is there any figgy pudding? We've got everything except three French hens.
You know, I suspect that Colin might need an HGV refreshers course.
You know he drove straight over a roundabout on the way back.
Gavin, you have saved Christmas! One minute you're a mild-mannered store manager, and the next you're a super-hero.
Valco's very own Clark Kent.
Isn't there already a Clark Kent in Valco? Yeah, I'm sure he's deputy manager at Chester.
No, Superman.
And me as Lois Lane.
Ready for you to come and take me up into the sky.
Yeah, well, you know my head for heights, I think that might be out of the question.
Oh, well, take me on the ground then.
Oh, not take me on the ground, I just mean take me.
Oh, not sexually.
I mean, unless um No, oooh well done, my hero.
Well, I wasn't gonna let Barry Hound get away with that.
Now, let's spread some flippin' happiness! We'd like to tell customers that Valco's shelves are being loaded with fresh Christmas goodies, straight off the delivery truck.
What you doing with them? Told you, I'm gonna deliver the baby.
Get away from me, you idiot.
Come on, I wanna meet my godson.
I'm gonna wet m'self! Merry Christmas.
Bloody hell.
I am knackered.
Did you pigs eat all the pies? No, we gave them to Santa.
That's what you're supposed to do, innit? Santa? What, Ian? Fatso Ian? Oh, do you ever say anything nice about anyone? But they were meant for you.
I'd made them special.
Sorry.
I didn't realise you'd gone to so much trouble.
You know, perhaps I've been a bit hard on you in the past.
You know, for you to go out of your way and make me a special batch Don't be soft.
I mean I made "special" mince pies.
There's enough laxative in them to crap your own arse off.
Maybe someone should tell Ian.
Santa! Not now, son! Ohhh! Silent night Holy night.
Excuse me! All is calm All is bright This is a reminder to all customers, the store will be closing in five minutes.
Oh, I do hope we've given Wigan a thorough thrashing in the figures.
Where the hell have you been? It's nearly time to close up.
Where's your Santa costume gone? I don't know how to say this, but er It's the suit.
I had a bit of an accident in the suit.
Whatever happened? Did you fall? Well, let's just say I shat meself.
Oh.
Oh, Lord.
I-I-I'll take it out the back and burn it.
Oh Accidents happen, eh? Urgh.
We did it then.
The store is now closed.
Best day ever.
Please make your way to leave.
Yeah, mate.
And drive safely.
Here he is, Ronnie Biggs.
Big enough for me, anyway.
And where have you been? Me? Holding out for me hero.
Oh, yeah? Mmm.
Well, I say holding out.
I had a quick frig at lunch time.
Mmm.
Ooooh.
Hey.
No.
No.
Merry Christmas, Vic.
See you on Boxing Day, Gavin.
Ian.
Lock the doors! We did it, everyone! Cracking work! Just look around you.
Look at all those empty shelves stripped bare.
It's like there's been a global disaster! Well done! Let's get pissed! Well, I-I wouldn't exactly use those words, Sharon, but you're all allowed to let your hair down.
So come on let's let our hair down! Oh, we make a great team, don't we Gavin? Oh, the best, Julie.
Or should I say, Lois Lane.
You look nice, Julie.
Oh, well.
If you can't make an effort on Christmas Eve, then when can you? You on the pull then? No, of course not.
But if I did want to make myself look a bit more, you know, um "pullable" what should I do? Well, my advice would be to accentuate your best features.
Yeah.
Or show off a bit of tit.
Can I borrow your perfume? Yeah, course.
Cheers.
Look out, women of Valco.
Neville is off the leash and is looking sharp.
Here you are, Nev, would you just hold that a sec for us, please? Oh, lovely.
Woo! Go get 'em.
I just couldn't get the zip undone in time.
Next thing you knew - bang - game over.
We've all been there.
Still, at least I managed to save my hat.
Well, that's all you need to be Santa - a hat and a beard.
I got shit on the beard.
Oh, Julie, you look great.
Oh, don't.
I feel like a big silly Christmas present.
Oh, yeah? Who's going to unwrap you later? Sorry.
Happy Christmas.
I think I'll just go and get myself a Twiglet.
Right then, you've got me here.
How you gonna make it worth my while? Er, we could do a duet on the karaoke? Or we could just get really drunk.
That's a better idea.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Coming through.
Mind your backs.
There you are, ladies.
Double vodka and lemonade, one orange juice and Ah, that's empty.
You spending Christmas with your kids, then? Oh, yes.
I just wish I had something more to give them tomorrow than a bag of shattered glass.
Ah Nev.
Come on, let's have a dance.
Right.
OK, but I warn you, the last time I disco danced I slipped a disk.
So, are the results in? Oh, yes.
I'll be printing them off in a mo.
I've got a good feeling we're going to thrash that stinking Hound.
I can't wait to see you rub his nose in it.
Oh.
My ears burning? Ah.
Ah, yeah, well, I thought I could smell a dirty Hound.
Come on, I ain't got time to chew the dung.
Let's go and get our takings out, see whose is biggest, eh? Eh! Holly and ivy, we did it! Only two grand in it.
Bastards! Ah, better luck next time, Barry.
Looks like the best branch won.
I'm not sure how you found the time to outsell us and steal a lorry from our loading bay.
What? Steal Steal a lorry? I've no idea what you're talking about.
No? Well, maybe there's something up with this CCTV footage, then.
Alright, alright! Yes! Yes, we stole back our lorry.
You had no right to keep it in the first place.
You had no right, Barry! I should haul your arse up in front of Martin Shell - see what he makes of all this.
Oh, hang on.
N-n-n-n-no, we don't have to involve head office.
Don't we? It's theft, Gavin.
And you know what? What? I didn't know you had the balls! So y-you're not going to tell head office? Tell 'em what? That Gav Strong's a bloody leg'? Soft pal! Someone's under the mistletoe.
And that someone - me - is expecting a Christmas kiss.
So let's call it a draw.
Are you sure about this? Sure as shit, pal.
Oh, well, I guess that means that neither of has to do the forfeit.
Hallelujah! Er, think again.
In my book, that means we both have to do the forfeit, which, by the way, is make a prank call to Martin Shell.
What!? Are you out of your mind? Make a prank call to a member of senior Valco management? Come on let's see those big balls of yours, eh! Ho Awww, isn't that sweet? So, do you wanna dance as well, then? Do I look like I do? What, you embarrassed or something? Stop it.
I've got the moves.
Come on.
Come on then, Leighton.
Let's have it.
You're such a tit.
Well, er, is there a Mrs Wall there? Oh, I see.
Well em, are there any Walls there? Well, if there's no walls, how does your roof stay up? We've got your wife.
We want two million quid.
What the heck did you say that for? Don't get your knickers in a twist - he won't know it was us.
You did mask your caller ID, didn't you? What? You dialled it.
Shit.
You're on your own, pal.
See you same time next year, eh? Honestly it was just a-a-a-a-a Christmas prank that backfired.
I really can't apologise enough, er, Martin.
Well, how long has she been missing for? Well, I-I-I'm sure she'll turn up soon.
Y-y-yeah, good luck with that, Martin.
So what's happened? Where's Barry Hound? Oh, well, the big bad Hound has scurried back to Wigan.
Did we win? Er Well, yes, in a manner of speaking.
Still my, my, my, look at you! You look gorgeous, Julie! Don't.
It's just something I threw on.
You look like the sugar plum fairy.
Do you really mean that? Oh, Gavin, this is the best party ever! Hmmm.
I still feel like there's something's missing.
Oh, really? Something right under your nose, maybe? Yes, yes, you could say that.
Won't be a mo.
Andy, several years ago I made a very big mistake and I'd to rectify that now Check.
Come on.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day You gave it away This year To save me from tears Merry Christmas everybody! Ho! Ho! Ho! It's time to find out who's been naughty or nice.
Ah where's Ian? I've got one for little Ian.
Where is he? Wey! Look at that.
Shat himself.
Ooh, hello there, Santa! Wondered where you were.
Have you got me a present? Yeah, where's my present? Oh, I can't be arsed with this.
Just, just help yourselves.
Best Santa ever.
Sorry, S-Santa.
Did you get my letters? What? Leighton it's me.
Andy.
You're Santa? This came for you earlier.
Merry Christmas.
Ta.
Awww, no way.
Beefy left this for me? Awww, it's signed and everything.
I heard you two nearly killed each other earlier.
Just harmless joshing between a couple of mates who like a bit of rough and tumble.
"To Andy.
Fuck off.
Sir Ian Botham.
" Harmless joshing.
Merry Christmas, everybody! Santa baby slip a sable Under the tree for me Get them off! I've been an awful good girl Santa baby So hurry down the chimney Tonight Argh! Lords a-leaping! Get 'em on! Don't look! I told her, "Show a bit of tit," but that was mental.
Oh, Margaret? What are you doing here? Well, I felt a bit cold, so I thought, "I'll get me cardie.
" You alright, Julie, love? Oh, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.
In front of the staff.
For all to see.
Julie, you're a good egg - a good egg.
And you'll always be a good egg, and you're a pretty egg at that.
Oh, that's kind of you, Margaret But sometimes eggs just crack.
Right, y-yes.
And, one day, he'll see what's right under his nose, just like what my Alan did.
Oh.
Oh, thanks, Margaret.
It'll be lonely this Christmas Lonely Wine, m'lady? Yes, thank you, sir.
I dunno how much more of this singing I can stand.
Shall we take this somewhere else? Yeah, go on, then.
It'll be lonely this Christmas Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
I'm sorry about what happened earlier, Gavin.
You know, about my um my assets.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Julie.
I suppose you got a good glimpse? Well, y-y-you have my word, I averted my eyes in a flash.
Oh, well.
But I-I-I would like to say thank you.
Um Thank you for all your hard work.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I'd die without you.
Well, I'm sure you wouldn't.
I love I love Twiglets.
Oh so do I, Julie.
Merry Christmas, Gavin.
Merry Christmas, Julie.
No.
No, Martin, I promise you it was just, it was just a joke.
Your wife's not back yet? No.
No, of course I'll, I'll come and help you look for her.
I must be off.
Sometimes, I could ring Barry Hound's neck.
Merry Christmas, Julie.
I don't mind saying, mate, you make a better Santa than me.
Oh, give over.
No.
You do, mate.
Well, I suppose you did shit yourself.
Still, it's big of you to admit it.
So, er, no hard feelings eh? Nah.
Karaoke? "Born to be Wild?" Get it on.
So, there's no chance of you and Emma getting back together again? Not after the present she got me.
Nothing quite says "Merry Christmas" like divorce papers.
Oh, I'm sorry, Kieran.
That's rough.
You don't deserve that.
Yep.
You're beautiful.
What? You're beautiful.
Aww, Nev, you funny thing, you.
You must have heard it a hundred thousand times.
No-one's ever said that to me before.
Do you want to come back to mine? Heavens above.
Do you mean it? Yeah! I'm pretty pissed but I warn you, it'll be wild.
Can you handle wild? I can give it a ruddy good go.
Good grief.
Right, absolutely.
Head back to yours, flipping heck.
Back to yours.
No, definitely.
I'll wait.
I'll get my coat, freshen up.
Don't be long.
Meet me out front.
I can't believe this is happening.
So, I'm 24, living with my mum, working on a supermarket meat counter and soon to be divorced.
I've messed up my life, haven't I? You haven't messed up your life, you big drama queen.
You'll be fine.
Why did I marry Emma? Cos you're an idiot? I used to like her.
I just I like someone else more.
Are you sure you should be? Yeah.
Ahem.
Shit.
Neville!? Sorry.
I, er, didn't mean to interrupt.
I was just, er, wondering if you've er Well, it's a bit er, it's a bit delicate.
What is it, Nev? Kieran, can I have a word, man to man.
Do you have any rubber Johnnies? No, Neville, sorry, I don't have any rubber Johnnies.
Nab some from behind the kiosk.
I've not got the right change that's why I'm Oh, bloody hell.
Keep the rest.
Wow.
You just bought Neville condoms.
Yep.
So we just Yeah A bit weird, wasn't it? It wasn't weird.
It was nice, you know? Just nice? No, no It was really nice.
I'm dreaming of a White Christmas Just like the ones I used to know Alright, see ya later.
See ya later.
Bye.
.
.
and children listen Hey, everyone, come and look - it's snowing.
Ding dong ding dong.
Ha, got you! You gullible morons.
I'm dreaming of a White Christmas Come on, everybody.
With every Christmas card I write Who you waiting for, Linda? Er no-one.
Watch it.
Anyone wanna go to a club? What do you reckon? Yeah, why not? It could be fun.
Count us in.
You two, do you wanna go clubbing? Which club? Tinker's.
Yes, they've got a grime night on.
Oh, no, I don't like grime at all.
Think I'll pass as well, kids.
First cab's here.
Come on, people, some of us want to get home.
Oh, shit.
It's Emma.
I better get this.
You alright? You coming, Katie? It's alright.
I'll wait for Kieran.
Two more cabs.
Is everyone here? Still holding the teat, put the condom on top of the penis, roll down with your other hand.
Got it.
This is it.
This is actually happening.
Oh, God.
The little shit! You what!? My waters - they just broke.
Typical! He's coming out on bloody Christmas Day.
You little bastard! Oh, my God.
Like, baby Jesus is coming now? Right.
Nobody panic, I just need loads of hot water.
I'm not having it here.
Ian, change of plan, this one's going to the hospital.
Right.
Don't worry.
Come on, I'll come with you.
I told you.
I knew I'd end up having it Christmas day.
Frigging typical.
A-are you going to get the last taxi, Katie? It's alright, I'll walk home.
Merry Christmas.
Yes.
You too, Katie.
Right, Ian, come on, let's lock it down.
Nothing can go wrong now.
Merry Christmas, Neville.
Merry Christmas.
Where's Katie? She's gone home, so's everyone else.
But for some reason I'm still here talking to you.
She's gone home? Yes.
Oh.
At last.
You coming Julie? Yeah, yeah, just a minute.
Merry Christmas, Valco.
Hello? Anybody.
Hello Oh, bollocks.