True Jackson, VP (2008) s02e14 Episode Script

True Jackson, VP was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Hi, Oscar.
Morning, true.
Morning, Lulu.
What are you watching? I'm trying to conquer one of my fears by watching that movie about pearl harbor.
You have a fear of war? No, Ben affleck.
Is Mr.
Madigan in yet? No, but he should be in shortly.
Cool.
I'm gonna ask him if he'll be a speaker for career day after school.
I'll bet lots of kids wanna be like him.
A wacky millionaire? Who wouldn't? Work it.
Work it.
Ryan, what are you doing? Take a fiver, ladies.
Don't go getting any prettier.
Career day's got me thinking about my future, and I think I've found my niche.
Photography? You knows it.
Check it out, brand new camera.
Where did you get it? My Uncle, sketchy said it fell off the back of a truck.
But it still works great, go figure.
Well, good for you, Ryan.
I think photography is a great career.
Me too.
You should become a paparazzi.
Really? Yeah, it'd be fun to see you get punched in the face by a celebrity.
You wanna know the best part about taking pictures? Even the meanest girls can't help but smile when you point a camera at 'em.
No, I don't know about that.
Listen up, rugrats, I don't want any nonsense around here today.
Smile.
Oh.
We have an important guest and I don't need you dummies ruining it.
Smile.
Who's the important guest? Only the hottest male model from transylvania, Brad d'impala.
Max is hoping to land him as the face of our new way after bedtime line.
Did you say transylvania? I don't like it.
The only things that come from transylvania are vampires and steel mills.
Steel comes from Pennsylvania.
You just narrowed it down to vampire.
True, I expect you to keep these two away from him.
Can you do that? Nope.
Well, try or else I will rip off your smile.
Ryan, how many pictures did you take of Amanda? None.
I just have the flash on.
I'm gonna go see if Mr.
Madigan's in.
Is this working? Hey, Oscar, did Mr.
M.
Get here? He's in his new office.
New office? Mr.
Madigan, what are you doing? Hi, true.
I'm having my office redone, so I moved in here for the time being.
How long will it take? About 10 months.
It takes less time to have a baby.
I don't mind, it's cozy in here.
Won't there be a lot of distractions? Distractions, like what? Hey, true.
Hey, Uncle Max.
Hello, Jimmy.
I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was saying, don't you think it's gonna be hard to get your work done? No, I wouldn't think so.
Hey, who took my burrito? It didn't have your name on it.
Yes, it did.
Well, it doesn't now.
Guys.
You owee a burrito.
Sue me.
I will Sue you.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer too! Guys! Mr.
Madigan, I was hoping I could ask you a favor.
It's career day after school, and I was wondering if you'd come in with me and talk about what you do.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll go to your little lecture, if you come with me to mine.
What's yours? Well, it's a little club called "the fashion gang.
" what do you talk about? Oh, upcoming trends, what people will be wearing next year, that sort of thing.
You could be my co-speaker.
I don't know.
I'm a little nervous about talking in public.
Oh, you talk to people all the time.
Yeah, you, Amanda, and Kopelman, not strangers.
Strangers are just people you haven't met yet.
And I like to keep it that way.
Oh, true, I'll be doing all the talking.
You just stand at my side and nod approvingly.
You can do that, right? Mm-hmm.
A little bigger.
Perfect.
And you'll come to my school? It's a deal.
Great.
Well, I'm sure you're busy.
Yes, I'm defrosting the freezer.
from my head to my toes it's all real and you know fresh and cool it's just what I do t-r-u-e j-a-c-k-s-o-n v-p working at a grown-up job I never really knew I could work this hard just used to sit at home and watch tv now I'm in an office as the new vp I'm always setting trends with my two best friends when things get out of hand we have a plan we're just messin' around and we're makin' new ground for the whole wide world to see if you see us in town you know it's goin' down 'cause I'm the new vp the new vp Hi, Oscar.
Any messages? Yes, miss park called to say your career day lecture will be at three.
Cool.
Lulu, you coming? Nah, I'm gonna do homework here.
Smile and say, Ryan.
Oh, yeah, that's the money shot.
Ryan, you are not kidding about this photography kick.
I figure if I start now, taking pictures might get me through college.
No offense, but the only college you're getting into teaches clowns how to fit into a tiny car.
Uh, just because you say no offense, doesn't make it unoffensive.
Oscar, has Mr.
D'impala arrived? He's on his way up.
Good.
Now, I want everyone to make him feel welcome.
How? By opening our veins, so he can feast on our blood? Not this again.
She's right, true.
This guy has vampire, written all over him.
How do you know? You haven't even seen him yet.
Mr.
d'impala, welcome to mad style.
Thank you.
These are some local children.
Why don't I take you some place away from them? I'll tell you this, vampire or not, that guy is hot! That's odd.
Odd or not, that guy was hot! Mr.
Madigan, do you wanna go over your remarks before you go in? What's there to go over? Do you think Beethoven practiced before a performance? Probably.
Hey, Mr.
m.
Jeremy, what up, home biscuit? Same ol'.
Heard that.
Miss park says they're ready for you.
We'll be right in.
Chainsaw's name is Jeremy? No, Jeremy is just a nickname.
Shall we? As you know, each semester, we bring in several successful people to make me regret my life choices and this year is no different.
Now, if our speakers will introduce themselves.
My name is evvy wexler and I am a chef.
I cook many kinds of pastries, like the puffs that I've brought for you all to try out.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I assumed these were for the talent.
Would you like to introduce yourself? I'm Max Madigan, founder and ceo of mad style, one of the top clothing manufacturers in the known world.
Whoa! Ceo in the house! And our final guest? Royce Bingham, government spy.
Hey, Mr.
Madigan, why don't you tell everyone what you do? It's really interesting.
Ahem, I oversee the design, manufacture and distribution of over a dozen fashion lines to International, baby! Bam! Are there any other questions? Yes, Jeremy? Do you carry a rocket launcher? I do not.
I was talking to the spy.
That's an excellent question, young man, and the answer is, yes.
Oscar, call maintenance.
There's a bat in the conference room.
A bat? Are you sure? Pretty sure.
I'm on it.
Did I hear you say there's a bat in the building? That's right.
And where's that Brad guy? I'm not sure.
He went to use the restroom.
Just to recap, Brad leaves and a bat appears.
I think we have our mission.
Hunt down the vampire and destroy him? Yes.
Why aren't you moving? I am moving.
Not really.
The key to destroying a vampire is to sneak up real slow-like.
You're scared, aren't you? Very much so.
So there I was, fighting a bad guy on the roof of a moving train with the tunnel approaching, and you'll never believe what happened next.
You ducd and he got knocked off? How did you know? Because I saw it in a movie last night and the night before and the night before.
My DVD player's jammed.
That happened to me once.
I was in a hotel room in prague.
I opened the DVD player with a screwdriver and inside was a bomb.
Oh, I'm sorry, you were saying something.
I was done.
And that concludes our presentation.
If you'd like to ask your favorite speaker a question, step right up.
Miss wexler, Mr.
Madigan, thank you for your time.
Oh, my God.
I think that went well.
Well? They were thoroughly bored.
No, they weren't.
I mean by me.
Oh, well, sorta.
Well, is there anything more glorious than the curiosity of a young person? Where are we going after? I'm not going anywhere with you.
What's wrong? Well, for one, you just gave away the plot to mission impossible 7.
And two, you lied in front of a room full of impressionable thugs.
Oh, he doesn't believe I'm a spy? No, sir.
Do you? No, sir.
Well, gosh, guys, it tears me up thinking you don't believe me.
Well, let me ask you this, if I weren't a spy, would I have a phone with a built-in compass? My phone has a compass.
And a calculator? Yes.
How about a built-in laser missile? No, it doesn't have that although I do have a virtual aquarium.
Alert, important spy message for Royce Bingham.
Sorry, guys.
Gotta dash.
Some madman is threatening to freeze the world, but maybe we could have lunch sometime.
Here's my card.
Why would somebody put "government spy" on their business card? It just doesn't make sense.
Yeah, if anything, it should say, "not a government spy.
" bye, bye now.
Bye.
Oh, I am sorry about eating all your cream puffs.
Shrimp puffs.
Sorry? Those were shrimp puffs.
Uh-oh.
What's wrong? I'm terribly allergic to shrimp.
Hey, who blew up all my poetry books? Not cool! Any sign of the bat? I couldn't find it anywhere or Ryan for that matter.
It's not under here.
What was that? How did it go at school? Great, I'm going to be sprawled unconscious in my office for the rest of the day.
Mr.
Madigan had three dozen shrimp puffs.
Aren't you allergic to shrimp? Does anyone else feel their kidneys shutting down? Are you sure, you don't wanna go to the hospital? Oh, I just need to sleep for a few days.
Let me know how the lecture goes.
The what? The lecture.
You'll have to do it without me.
Gosh, I don't know.
How many people are going to be there? Oh, not many, maybe 10,000.
No way, I don't care if you've got a stomach ache, you're gonna do it.
He ain't gonna do it.
Ryan, what are you wearing? Garlic necklace, to repel the vampire.
But those are onions.
We were out of garlic.
You guys, what am I gonna do? Mr.
Madigan's still asleep, and I have to speak in front of 10,000 strangers in less than an hour.
You're gonna do great.
How do you know? I don't.
It just seemed more encouraging than, "boy, oh boy, you're gonna tank.
" okay, okay.
My mom always said, "if you're nervous, just be yourself.
" nah.
They say, "the trick "to being comfortable "in front of a crowd "is to picture them in their underwear.
" I don't know about that.
One time I saw my dad doing his jumping Jacks in his underwear, it made us both uncomfortable.
Why don't you open with a joke? That's a good idea.
You should talk to Jimmy.
Why? You know, 'cause he's a comedian.
Jimmy? Yeah.
Jimmy's a comedian? That's right.
Since when? Tuesday.
He went to open-mic night at snarky's after he lost a bet.
What was the bet? He bet me I wouldn't eat an entire you don't even need to finish that sentence.
That's a sucker's bet.
Hey, Jimmy, I was wondering if you could help me out.
I have to give a big speech and my heart is beating so hard, I can't hear my phone ring.
Sounds like you could use a shot of courage.
Get it? Shot of courage.
Anyway, Ryan mentioned you tried doing comedy the other night.
Yeah, it was a real eye-opener.
Is that your act? Dumb prop comedy? Dumb? Prop comedy is considered the second purest form of comedy, right after puns.
So the audience liked it? Not exactly.
How do you like my new ring? It's 20 karats.
I tried everything, riddles, knock-knock jokes, even catch phrases.
And that worked? Not even close.
So then I tried a couple of my spot-on impressions.
You can't handle the truth.
Where's Johnny? Johnny left a half hour ago, because you stink.
Okay.
Okay, you didn't like that one.
Maybe you'll like, 'allo, 'allo, 'arry Potter.
'ow are you? Magic! And they liked that? They did not.
But then I figured out the key.
Which is? Find something you have in common with the audience.
Any postal workers in the crowd tonight? Really? You guys are mailmen? 'cause a funny thing happened to me on the way over.
I didn't know if I was riding a bus or the feed tray on a galveston sorter.
And don't get me started on paper cuts.
Ai-yi-yi! If you drive a little square car with the wheel on the wrong side, you might be a mailman.
How long were you onstage? Three hours.
It would have gone longer, but everyone had to be at work at 4 A.
M.
Well, the crowd is a bunch of fashion people.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
Now, you're talking.
You want me to write down some of my mailman jokes, just in case? That'd be great.
Mad style.
No, I'm sorry Mr.
Madigan is unavailable at the moment.
May I ask who's calling? Royce Bingham, government spy.
Can I take a message? Oh, just ask him if he'd like anything from Russia.
Oh, you get off, get off my foot.
Oh nyet, you didn't.
Listen, I'm just gonna go ahead and get him some of those Russian nesting dolls, and mum's the word.
It's a surprise! That was weird.
It's been a pretty weird day here.
Hello.
Did you just see a bat fly by? What did it look like? You with wings.
Then no.
You know, Lulu just won miss tastiest blood.
Ryan.
What? I am just jealous.
My blood tastes like garlic, oh, there you are.
I've been looking for you.
I went out for a bite.
So what do you think, Brad? Can we count on you to be the new face of our "way after bedtime" line? I'll have to sleep on it.
Upside down, I'm guessing.
I'll be in touch.
Amanda.
Yes? How would you like to speak at Mr.
Madigan's fashion gang today? Can't.
I spent the whole day looking for Brad d'impala.
I didn't get any of my work done.
Well, how about I do your work for you and you go to the speaking thing? You caught me.
By work, I meant get a pedicure.
I love pedicures.
Do you have any advice for me? I'm pretty nervous about speaking in front of so many people.
I've learned that the key to winning over a crowd is to open with a heartwarming tale of hope.
Oh, you're serious.
True, I know I come across like a tough cookie, but did you know that a few years back I found a kitten on my fire escape? When I brought her to the vet, they told me she only had two weeks to live.
That was four years ago.
She showed them all, that little Kitty.
That's amazing.
Thanks, I made it up.
Ahem.
Lulu? That's one tough little fake Kitty.
It wasn't real, Lulu.
But still.
It's time for me to go to the fashion gang.
I really need you guys to come for moral support.
Will there be cheese? No.
Could we stop for cheese on the way? How's it looking out there, Ryan? A sea of darkness, some blinding spotlights.
It's no big deal.
Ryan! Guys, I don't think I can do this.
I know I said I could, but look at my hand.
And that's the calm one.
Look at this one! Okay, I'm gonna call Mr.
Madigan.
Maybe he feels better and he can do this.
Phone's ringing.
Great, no answer.
Okay.
Okay, this is me, not freaking out.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your 20,000 hands together for tonight's speaker.
I'm freaking out! Let's have a big New York fashion gang welcome for True Jackson.
Okay, I got all my notes.
Here goes.
We believe in you, true.
Go out there and make them believe too.
And when that fails miserably, remember the underwear thing.
And jokes.
Um, hi, I'm True Jackson, and I know you're out there 'cause I can hear you breathin'.
Oh, come on, that was hilarious.
This audience is dead.
Trends for the upcoming year depend on many factors, which I will present to you this afternoon in 17 bullet points with 4 sub-bullet points.
It's awfully hot up here.
Can somebody bring me a drink of water? I'm really sorry, you people had to see that.
I bet you are too.
You know what? I'm just gonna throw these away.
I know I was supposed to talk about what people are gonna be wearing a year from now, but to tell you the truth, I don't even know what I'm gonna be wearing tomorrow.
That's what I love about fashion, the not knowing.
I can wake up and be all, "I'm in the mood for purple," or, "these pants look better as shorts.
" that's not a joke, people.
I'm gonna do that when I get home.
You know what? You people aren't so bad.
I think I'm gonna have fun talking to you.
Now, let me tell you about six months ago when I was selling sandwiches.
Good morning, true.
How did your little speaking engagement go? It was amazing.
I can't wait to do it again.
You know, it really does feel good when you conquer one of your fears.
Speaking of which, I still have six Ben affleck movies to watch.
Did you hear back from Brad d'impala yet? Sadly, he declined our offer to become the face of our new line.
What do you mean sadly? That's the best news ever.
Yeah, that guy was a total vampire.
That's ridiculous.
If Brad d'impala was a vampire, he'd have to be hundreds of years old.
Nobody stays hunky for that long.
I don't know, there must be hunky old dudes.
I'll bet Ryan's photo history book is full of 'em.
That's weird.
Look at this picture from the civil war.
Is that Brad d'impala standing next to general grant? There he is at iwo jima.
And playing in the 1934 world cup.
And there he is with the Wright brothers.
See, total proof he's a vampire.
You kids and your wild imaginations.
There's no such thing as vampires or monsters or zombies.
What? Oh, I get it, you're trying to give me a fright by pretending there's something terrifying behind me.
Aah! This is a True Jackson public service announcement.
Just order me an appetizer.
I'll be there in ten.
Hi, kids.
I'm Royce Bingham, government spy.
You know, we had a lot of laughs here tonight with our skits about vampires and whatnot, but I'd like to talk to you about something important: Carrots.
They're orange and they help your eyesight.
So the next time you're at the dinner table, remember this phrase: "more carrots, mom.
" and don't forget to add "please.
" She is your mother.
Good night.