United States of Al (2021) s02e14 Episode Script

1 - Al, can I have some privacy? - Why? Holly's gonna FaceTime from Hawaii.
So? So, I would like some alone time - to talk to her.
- Why? Get out of here! Wow.
Take some deep breaths before you talk to her.
This is not attractive.
Aloha.
Oh, hey there, sailor.
You miss me yet? Nah, it's only been 157 hours.
How's the Reserves? Eh, same thing every year.
We're running around a ship, fighting fake fires, shooting pistols into the ocean.
Ah, man.
That sounds awesome.
Well, it hasn't all been fun.
At night, we have to go out drinking in Waikiki.
Aw, poor you.
What have you been up to? Oh, where do I start? It was leg day, but I did some arms, too.
Good for you.
Hey, we'll be underway at zero-four tomorrow, so my phone's gonna be off until we pull back into port next week.
Okay, well, if I need you, I'll just tie a message to a dolphin.
Yo, Holly, we got to go.
Oh, sorry, I got to run.
The guys are taking the duty van down to the beach.
A little search and destroy mission.
Search for a bar and destroy your liver? You are welcome for my service.
That's what you didn't want me to hear? Anybody?! - Lois! - Hey.
What a nice surprise.
Come on in.
I'll go brush my teeth.
I'm not here for you.
You're not? No.
I'm going to pottery class with Lizzie.
Lizzie my daughter? Why didn't I know about this? - I told you yesterday.
- You did? Yeah, we were watching the basketball game.
Oh, well, you can't tell me something during the basketball game.
That's like telling me something during a football game.
We're going to pottery class together.
You can come, if you want.
Great.
Does it have to be pottery, and does Lizzie have to be there? - Hey, Lois, ready to go? - Hey, hold on.
I need your help in the, in the kitchen real quick.
Yeah.
One sec.
What's up? Hey.
Go easy when you're talking about me with Lois.
What am I gonna say? I don't know what girls gab about.
Just don't say anything embarrassing.
Like what? I'm not gonna give you any ideas.
I promise I will not tell her that you iron your jeans and write Top Gun fan fiction.
Keep it down.
You have nothing to worry about.
Coming, Lois.
Dad just needed help opening a jar.
Hey, Dad, can I have 20 bucks? What for? Don't know yet.
Could be something dumb.
Could be something magical.
Just pocket money.
We're not "pocket money" people.
We're "tell me what you need and I'll find a cheaper", "worse version of it" people.
- Uncle Al - Absolutely not.
- Please.
- Hazel.
If you want money, get a job.
You know, when I was in high school, I made good money returning empty beer bottles.
Grampy drank that much beer? Yep.
It was all Grampy.
Here's an idea.
You could sell boiled eggs door-to-door.
Boiled eggs? Who does that? I did, in Afghanistan.
We play a game where two people try to crack each other's boiled eggs.
If you make that cool here, you could sell a lot of eggs.
What about a dog walker? What? Ugh.
No.
I love dogs, and I've been walking since I could walk.
Dogs are filthy and disgusting.
You don't want to do that.
I'm gonna go make some signs.
A boiled egg will never eat your shoes! How'd you find this place? My mom used to throw my birthday parties here.
Oh, God, I would have loved that.
I have boys, so birthdays were always go-karts and batting cages and trips to the ER.
Yeah, tell me about it.
When Riley was 12, he had a Fight Club themed birthday.
A lot of kids broke the first rule of fight club, and a lot of parents got angry.
You think your dad'll like this bowl? If you can put chili in it, he will.
He's not a complicated man.
You know, life is funny.
After my divorce, I wasn't even looking for anything.
Then this handsome man just fell into my life.
Aw.
What about you? Any handsome men in your life? Maybe.
Why do you ask? Oh, I'm just curious.
Raising boys, there's never any gossip.
Or toilet paper.
Well, I've been seeing this guy, Brett.
He's in a punk band.
Ooh, he sounds dangerous.
He is not.
He's a psychology professor.
His car is powered by corn oil, and he wears a helmet when he drives.
So, you like him? But the truth is, we haven't kissed yet.
Good God, have you been dating for more than ten minutes? It's not like I don't want to kiss him.
You know, I learned something when I turned 50.
What's that? Nothing matters, do whatever you want.
You think you want to kiss him, do it, right now.
- Now? - Yes.
- Where is he? - This time of day, probably teaching a class.
- Perfect.
- Perfect? He's at work and in front of a bunch of students.
Nothing matters.
Short-term memories are turned into long-term memories in the hippocampus.
A fun way to remember that is, you'd remember if you saw a hippo on campus.
Come on, guys, I am trying here.
Oh, hey, hi.
Okay, see ya.
Uh, so, hippocampus, uh Dopamine really surging right now.
I'm gonna need a minute.
Thanks, Mrs.
Foster.
I'll see you and Roscoe tomorrow at 8:00 a.
m.
Guess who has her first client.
You're not still thinking about this dog walking nonsense, are you? Yeah.
I figure I can handle five dogs at a time.
Maybe six, if I put a brick in each pocket to weigh me down.
I don't like anything about this.
Hey, can you get me some plastic bags - from the grocery store? - Why? To pick up their poop.
You're gonna pick up their poop? Yeah, what do you think they're walking around the neighborhood for? I walk around the neighborhood.
I don't stop and poop.
Hello, Dugan residence.
Oh, cool, you saw my sign.
What kind of dog do you have? A mastiff? Absolutely, no problem.
I'm gonna need some big bags.
You're working out again? Not again, still.
Got to look good when Holly gets back.
What are you talking about? You look fine.
Fine's not gonna cut it.
She's on a ship with 200 guys right now.
Well, you're not seriously worried about that, are you? I think you missed a step.
Yeah, I'm cutting back on liquids.
Supposed to give you better definition.
Oh, yeah, man.
You really let yourself go.
I'm serious.
What if she meets somebody else? Somebody better? She likes you.
Yeah, for now.
You ever been in a restaurant, and a waiter walks by with fajitas, and you're like, "Ah, I should've gotten those?" Just last week.
I mean, she's in the middle of the ocean with 200 fajitas.
Young, sizzling hot fajitas.
She can't come home to a chimichanga.
Look, son, you've got a lot more going for you than just your muscles.
Like what? I'll spot you.
We're back! We have stories! Your daughter is such a badass.
Oh, you are the badass.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
She inspired me to go and kiss Brett.
It was so cute.
Did you record it? You told me not to.
- Did you? - Yes.
Hey, you guys hungry? I made some beef stew.
No, we have sushi coming.
Let's go watch it in my room.
I'll be there in just a second.
Wow, you two are really hitting it off.
She is so fun.
Yeah, that's, uh, that's great.
Is this weird for you? No, it's great.
Great.
Hey, I-I got the fireplace going.
You want to grab a glass of wine - Lois! - Coming! Hey.
How was your filthy dog job? Boring.
All they do is sniff and look around like it's the first time they've ever been outside.
I tried to warn you.
They don't go in the same direction, and if another dog walks by, they all just freak out.
And one of them decided they were done and took a nap.
Hmm.
Everybody has a bad day.
Tomorrow will be better.
There's no way I'm doing this tomorrow.
What? You have to.
No, I don't.
I'm my own boss.
I quit.
I accept my resignation.
Hazel, I am ashamed of you.
You made a commitment to those people.
What do you care? You didn't even want me to do this job.
Uh-uh.
You can't just quit when things get hard.
This is a moment that will determine your character for the rest of your life.
In my grandmother's village, there was a man who sold shampoo.
Fine, I'll do it.
Good, now sit down.
This is a long story.
Holly being away is harder than I expected.
Why do you think that is? I don't know.
I spent months and months away from Vanessa when I was deployed.
I totally missed her, but I was just so busy.
Well, you know what they say, "War is busy.
" Now, I'm at home just thinking about all the cool stuff Holly gets to do.
Shooting pistols off the side of a ship.
- Ain't nothing like it.
- No.
I-I took this Alaska cruise.
They had us hit a bunch of golf balls at a glacier.
Wasn't the same.
This whole week has been so weird.
Waiting to hear from her, wondering what's going on 5,000 miles away.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Would it be crazy for me to say that I kind of feel like I'm a military spouse? Yes.
Why? Well, she's not in any danger.
She's coming home next week, and, uh, she's at a beach.
But you see my point.
I see what you think your point is.
I never really got what Vanessa was going through, but now that I'm living it You're not living it.
Yeah, but I kind of want to tell her that I feel it now.
Riley, if you tell Vanessa that, this will be our last session.
What? Why? 'Cause she'll murder you.
Copy that.
You don't have to follow me.
Yes, I do.
It feels like you don't trust me.
I don't.
Besides, I could never live with myself if a dog ate you.
They're not gonna eat me.
If one bites you, then the others will join in because you're wounded.
I've seen it.
I keep getting tangled.
Ugh! Less complaining, more walking.
You know, your father and I would march for miles and miles on patrol every day.
And to keep our spirits up, we'd call cadence as we marched.
Did it help? Try it.
I don't want to walk these dogs You don't want to walk these dogs I think I made a big mistake It's supposed to rhyme, but that's okay - Sound off - One, two - Sound off - Three, four Shoot, I got a red light.
You keep building character, I'll catch up.
- Cherry pie? - Yep.
You stress baking? What? What does that even mean? You love to cook, but you only bake when you're stressed.
That's nonsense.
You always make a cake the night before you file your taxes.
'Cause you're my accountant.
Is there something you would like to talk about? As a rule, no.
Do you have a problem with me and Lois hanging out? No.
Not at all? Not at all.
Feels like you do.
Why would I? You're two grown adults, I'm a grown man.
You're happy, she's happy, everyone's happy.
Happy, happy, happy.
Come on, Dad.
Talk to me.
All right, fine.
I'm stressed out and I don't know why I'm stressed out, which is, you know, stressful.
I'm gonna check on my gluten-free pumpkin pie.
Why the hell are you making a gluten-free pie? I don't know.
Hey, shoo! Get out of here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's up? - Can I come in? Sure.
Cool.
Um I, uh, got something I want to tell you and didn't really want to do it on the phone.
Okay.
Yeah, my, uh, therapist told me not to say anything.
I thought they weren't supposed to tell you what to do.
Yeah, he felt really strongly about this one.
Maybe you should listen to him.
Yeah, maybe.
Okay.
Good.
I'm proud of you.
So here's the deal.
Remember when I was in Afghanistan? You mean that work trip you were on? Yeah.
I just want you to know that I know what it was like for you.
Sort of.
I-I mean, I knew it, but now I know it.
Have you been drinking? No, I actually haven't had any fluids in two days.
The point is, I just felt like I needed to say it 'cause what you did was super hard, and it's crazy that you never complained about it.
You're tough.
Thanks.
Okay, well, uh, I'll get out of your hair.
Okay.
Bye.
Hey, uh, don't freak out, I'm gonna take a little sip from the garden hose.
Okay.
Are you telling me this is gluten-free? This is delicious.
Yeah, the trick is, double the butter.
You health nut.
Ooh, that's my shoofly pie.
So, a little birdie told me something's bothering you.
This little birdie with a big mouth and stupid hair? I don't want you to hide your feelings from me.
I'm not hiding them, I don't even know where they are.
Are you jealous of the time I'm spending with her? Oh, it's definitely not that.
You worried we'll talk about you behind your back? You mean, like you obviously do? Art, both of us really care about you.
Yeah, but she lost her mom in high school, and she's already looking at you as something more than a friend.
You think so? Yeah.
She talks about you all the time.
You guys talk about me behind my back? She loves you, and that's obviously gonna grow because you're amazing.
But, um, it's a lot of pressure for me.
- Why? - I don't know.
I mean, if I screw up our relationship, that's one thing.
But what about Lizzie? She's 27 years old.
So? I don't want to be the reason she loses someone else.
I guess that is a lot of pressure.
Yeah.
How about this? You ever do something so dumb that you screw this up I promise to stay friends with your daughter.
That helps.
And it's pretty conceited that you think you're the only one who might screw this up.
By the way, if we ever break up I'm-a be a total mess.
Good.
Uncle Al, get up.
It's 5:00 a.
m.
What? We have to walk the dogs before school.
- That's your job.
- What's going on? Your daughter has lost her mind.
Come on, I like when you drive beside me and we call cadence.
Unless helping me is just too hard and you're a big quitter.
Give me a minute.
- Hurry.
- This is me hurrying.
Uncle Al is getting old Uncle Al is getting old Stop it, both of you.
Wear a scarf, it's pretty cold Wear a scarf, it's pretty cold Sound off - One, two - Sound off Three, four Can I at least go to the bathroom? We're gonna pass a whole bunch of trees, you'll be fine.