According To Jim s02e15 Episode Script

Four, three, two, one Four, three, two, one Yeah! Yeah! Yes! the Super Bowl.
Man! Do you think someday we can watch the real Super Bowl instead of this tape from 1986? Well, I tell you, if they had videotape in 1908, we'd be watching the Cubs winning the World Series right now.
So, a trip back to the '96 NBA finals, watch the Bulls play the Suns? Hmm, did we win that one? I don't recall.
Nor do I.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! Women don't need all these toilets.
Well, let's cut a couple of them.
Hey, honey, can you keep the 26th open? It's Gracie's career day at school.
Oh, not career day! Can't you go and feed them that line about how raising kids is, you know, a full-time job? Oh, yeah.
You know, I would, but that day, I'm sitting in the hot tub all day eating bonbons.
When I did career day for Ruby last year, all the kids just stared at me.
I mean, the only one that bombed worse than me was an actuary.
I felt bad for his kid.
Honey, come on.
You did it for Ruby, you gotta do it for Gracie.
All right.
Well, you think I can become an astronaut by the 26th? Well, you could certainly be rejected by the 26th.
(FARTS) (GASPS) (LAUGHING) That's my boy! Did you hear that pitch? Did you hear that tonal quality, huh? You know, most kids couldn't pull that off until they're six.
Yeah, honey, maybe we can get him into the gifted program.
(FARTS) (EXCLAIMS) Wow.
He's on a roll.
Hey, hey, hey.
No, no.
Don't encourage him.
That's exactly how it started with Jim.
Come on, Cheryl.
You know you want to laugh.
Come on.
It doesn't matter if you're a truck-stop hooker or the Queen of England.
Everybody agrees on one thing.
Farts, funny.
Yeah, Cheryl.
Remember that whoopee cushion we had when we were kids? Big laughs.
Oh, yeah.
Andy, I shared a room with you.
It wasn't always the whoopee cushion.
Man, if I would've come up with the whoopee cushion, I'd be wearing solid gold pants right now.
Yeah.
That would really test that "gold doesn't tarnish" thing.
Hey, what if we came up with a toy, you know, like a doll that made that exact sound? I think I'm sitting on a brilliant idea.
Yeah.
Like your other brilliant ideas? The self-folding pants? Doughnuts filled with liquor? Cheryl, that was a good idea.
Open up your mind, will you? You know what? If Henry Ford's wife had your kind of attitude, we would've conceived Gracie on the back of a horse.
You know, Jim, if you're serious about this doll thing, we should work up a prototype.
Prototype? I don't know, it sounds like a lot of time and work.
No.
It'd be easy.
I'll do everything.
Oh, and I'll do the rest.
Hey, you know, this could work.
Can you imagine if this thing took off? Come on.
Are you actually gonna put time and money into making a doll that just passes gas? What makes you think that's the only thing it could do? I mean, maybe it could speak.
You know, maybe it could teach kids history.
Jim, that is crazy.
You're right.
It'll just fart and talk.
Hey, how about this? "Call the gas company, I think we have a leak.
" Oh! Hey, how about, "Houston, we're a-go for launch.
Liftoff.
" Dana, you're laughing at this, too? I'm sorry, but it's funny.
Oh, wait.
Here, here, let me I got one.
I got one.
Oh, excuse me.
What, it's funny.
It's like you're not even trying.
Mommy.
Yeah? Does Daddy have to come to my career day? Honey, don't be like that.
Daddy's a contractor.
It's a very interesting job.
You see, he gets people together and he shows them how to make a building.
Does he get free ice cream? No.
Then I don't want him to come.
Well Well, he is coming.
And you better pretend what he does is interesting.
Yeah, just like your mommy does.
Your attention, please.
Not since Thomas Alva Edison conquered the darkness with his daring electric lights in 1883 Presenting, Gassy Gus.
Hey, I was gonna say that.
Yeah, like in three hours.
Okay.
Go ahead, squeeze it.
Here comes a wrecking ball.
(FARTS) Am I the only sane one here? Do you really think you're gonna make money off that? Yeah.
Do you have a permit for this? (FARTS) Isn't that funny? You know what? I know this guy who works with investors who back new products, and I could talk to him.
He might really go for this.
You see that? You see that? Even your sister believes in me.
And she has no reason to 'cause she knows I can't stand her.
Go on, Dana.
No, no, no, Dana.
Don't go on.
You're just throwing fuel on the crackpot.
I know, I know.
Most of the time Jim talks and I just hear static, but this time, I think you might be onto something.
(FARTS) That ain't the lunch whistle.
It's a universal language.
Now, if you'll turn to page 23 in your regional marketing report, you'll see steady sales growth in novelty toy profits regardless of economic climate.
(ALL GROANING) What the hell is she talking about? She's killing us here.
I'm on it.
If you'll look at the insert graph on 3.
01 Excuse me, Dana.
Not since Thomas Alva Edison Excuse me, folks.
If I may Jim, what are you doing? I am bringing seven people out of a coma.
Folks, you know, you can't really put the joy of farting onto a graph.
But you can squeeze it into a tiny pair of overalls.
(FARTS) Now, that's a skyscraper.
(ALL LAUGHING) Thank you for your time.
(FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING) Sorry.
No, Mommy.
Put your pinkie up.
You look like a truck driver.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
Hi, Daddy.
We're having a tea party.
What kind of tea do you want? Uh Beer? Cheryl, the investors loved it.
They just loved it.
When Gassy Gus let one rip, it was like mixing Christmas with chili.
It was great.
Oh, this is gonna be big.
And I intend to parlay it into fast cars and cheap women.
Or cheap cars and fast women.
Either way, I'm good.
Wait, wait, wait.
They actually bought into the whole doll thing? Well, not yet, but they will.
Okay, honey, you know what? These investors probably hear a thousand ideas a day and I don't want you to get your hopes up, 'cause you'll just be disappointed if it doesn't happen.
Why can't you believe in me? The man has a vision.
Yes, honey.
Well, I Some men look at a farting doll and ask, "Why?" I look at a farting doll and ask, "Why not?" Hey, they loved it.
What? Yes, they're in.
You're serious? Yes.
They're gonna invest.
They think it's gonna be bigger than the singing bass.
Yes! Sweet! Oh, chicks love rich guys.
Now, I can finally afford to let myself go.
I love this flatulent little man.
I love you, too, buddy.
(CHANTING) Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus To Gassy Gus, who will cost $2 to make, but retail for $19.
95.
$29.
95 in Canada.
To our foolish neighbors to the north.
Okay, Dana.
When are the checks gonna start rolling in? 'Cause there's a couple of guys I wanna make sure I can afford to punch.
Well, first the investors have to take their 70% cut.
Mmm-hmm.
But we came up with the idea.
Yeah, but they're the ones who are putting up the money.
Well, here's to the mime in Grant Park, that gets to live another day.
Hear, hear.
Hey, guys.
I made mini pizzas for our little celebration.
Our celebration? Yeah.
It was a dream.
We all worked hard, and it became a reality.
Here's to us.
You know, honey, when you say the words "we" and "us," it implies that you had something to do with the success of this project.
Yeah, you said it was never gonna happen.
Yeah, you told me not to waste my time with these goofballs.
She said "goofballs.
" Goofballs? She called me goofball? Guys, come on.
I was just playing devil's advocate.
You know, like a sounding board? Every successful team needs that.
Here's to us.
Look who's on board.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, Cheryl, I don't really need you there at the podium when they're swearing me in.
I need you in Iowa and New Hampshire, kissing babies and shaking hands.
You know, I want my wife to be first in line, not fifth.
Oh, Jim Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Is it me or is this bandwagon getting a little crowded? Cheryl, you made your bed, now lie in it.
I make all the beds! It's true.
She does.
She makes all the beds.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it didn't matter that the building was burning, it was my job to go in there and save those kittens.
Was it worth it? You tell me.
(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING) That is so shameless.
Yeah.
Really.
Can I play with the kitty? Thank you, Monica's dad, for that inspiring tale of selfless heroism.
Well, we've heard from a fireman, a candy-maker and a real-life ballerina.
Let's see who's next.
Oh, how about Gracie's dad.
Oh! Cheryl, it's like following Sinatra.
Baby, come on, we're on.
You are a gift from God.
Yes, you are.
Okay.
Thank you, Mrs.
Ganzel.
You know, boys and girls, anybody can run into a burning building.
But did you ever stop to think who built that burning building? Well, in some cases, it was me.
I am a general contractor.
It's my job to execute building plans and secure permits from the city.
(CRICKET CHIRPING) Randy, would you put the class cricket in the hallway? It's very distracting.
Honey.
Honey, show them the blueprints.
They're really blue.
Yeah, blueprints.
Let me get them out of my bag.
Danger.
Blasting zone.
(FARTS) (CHILDREN LAUGHING) You thought that was funny, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Honey, honey.
Not here.
You want to hear another one? Yeah! Yeah! Let me knock this wall out.
(FARTS) You see, this is Gassy Gus.
I made him.
I'm also an inventor.
ALL: Ooh! You invented the fart? I reinvented it.
Can we play with him, Daddy? Sure, Gracie.
I could pass it around.
Unless you'd rather play with the kitten.
No.
No.
We want the doll.
We want the doll.
Yes.
Question from one of the jealous parents in the back.
Yeah.
You're responsible for Gassy Gus? And me.
Here, take this filthy animal.
I'm Andy.
Don't forget about me.
I won't.
I won't.
You've been served.
This is a cease and desist notice.
What? I'm here on behalf of Munco toys.
Gassy Gus is a copyright infringement on a line of novelty dolls that they already make.
Wait.
Some big company already makes this thing? But this is based on me.
I mean, it's my voice.
It's my sound that I make.
Yes.
Well, fact remains that if you continue to make or sell these, you will be in violation of section and subject to prosecution.
Hey, kids.
I'm a process server.
That's my job.
Hey, Monica's dad.
Give me the cat.
Give me the cat.
All right.
Do you see this? I got a cease and desist order here.
I knew I shouldn't have wasted my time with you goofballs.
That's right.
You heard me.
I said goofballs.
Hey, we got one, too.
They served us at school.
Yeah, I know.
I sent him there.
What? What? What? Why would you do that? Because it made me feel good.
Oh, that is so you All right.
All right.
Don't panic here.
We're not gonna take this lying down.
I'm gonna hire a lawyer.
Cheryl, Cheryl, that kid Emily.
Wasn't her father a lawyer? Honey, I don't really think he's an option.
You flipped him off in the parking lot.
Hey, what about me, huh? I was gonna buy a boat.
I had a great name picked out.
Boaty Call.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Come on.
I thought I was gonna get lucky on it.
Come on.
That's insane.
Stop it! Come on.
You guys, I don't even know what you're mad about.
So you tried something and it didn't work out.
I mean, it's not like I'm gonna say, "I told you so.
" Even though, you know, I did.
But, I mean, all you're out is the cost of the prototype.
(SOBBING) Andy.
You know who should be crying are your investors.
(SOBBING) Oh, my God.
I'm standing here with the investors, aren't I? Well, you know, I invested some of our money.
Got nothing to hide.
How much? You know, honey, I'm not good with numbers.
How much? Two thousand bucks.
What? I put in $3,000.
I put in four.
Yeah, there's a lot of hidden expenses, you know, in business, like storage, office space, courtside tickets for the Bulls.
Bulls tickets? Man, this thing is the Enron of fart companies.
How did you get all that stuff past me? I'm the vice-president.
I thought I was vice-president.
No, you're not.
You said I was vice-president.
Okay.
Wait, wait.
I don't understand.
You had investors, what happened to them? Honey, they wanted 70%.
All I was doing was eliminating the middleman.
I mean, think about it.
If the Beatles had sold their own albums, can you imagine how rich they'd be? Well, Jim, the Beatles All right, listen.
I just I can't believe you would throw our money away without telling me.
I did it for us.
I want a better life for our children.
I mean, look around.
Do you really want our kids to live like this the rest of their lives? You invested $2,000, duped these saps for seven more Hey! Hey! and you got nothing to show for it? Well, I wouldn't say nothing.
(GASPS) All these boxes are full of Gassy Gus dolls? Well, except for that one there.
Those are workout clothes for charity.
I mean, face it, that fitness craze is over with.
How could you do this? How could you take a risk like this without bringing me in on it? Why should I? You were just gonna tell me it was a stupid idea, anyway.
No, honey.
We would've talked about it.
Yes, and then you would've told me it was a stupid idea.
How do I know what I would've said? You didn't let me say anything.
Oh, come on.
Just face it.
You didn't believe in me.
Well, was I wrong? (SIGHS) No.
No.
You weren't wrong at all.
I blew it, okay? I blew it.
I don't know what made me think I could pull it off in the first place.
Oh! GASSY GUS: Look out, here comes the (FARTING) (DOLLS FARTING) Now that's a skyscraper.
Look out, here comes the lunch whistle.
Jimmy! Whoop Hey, why is there a cab out in front? Because "Cheryl" doesn't think that I should "drive home.
" Are you drunk? No.
(EXCLAIMS) Maybe a little.
Cheryl, what are you doing? Where are the kids? Oh, Andy took them for ice skating or ice cream.
Ice fishing? Ice something.
(STAMMERING) What are you doing? I am making the doughnuts of your dreams.
Doughnuts filled with liquor? This one is whiskey with rainbow sprinkles.
I call this one ginamon.
Smooth.
Cheryl, why are you doing this? Because it is a brilliant idea.
And I support you.
This time, I am first in line.
No more nay-saying.
I say nay to nay.
And another thing No! Let me finish! I didn't say anything.
That's okay.
I'm done.
Cheryl, I really I don't want to pooh-pooh your ideas.
(LAUGHS) Pooh-pooh.
Because you, you are a great husband.
And I love you.
And whether your ideas are good or stupid, I want to be there for you.
You really mean that or Yes.
Or is that the doughnuts talking? No, no, no.
No.
I am gonna be your biggest cheerleader.
Rah, rah, rah.
Give me a J, give me an I, give me a Bucket.
(GROANS) It's awful.
Being a mom might not seem like a full-time job, but it's actually like being the head of a small company.
"You have to manage a budget, "organize your resources.
"vacuum," and always have lots of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.
KIDS: Yay! That is shameless.
Tell me about it.