Batman (1966) s02e15 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
A peaceful evening at Wayne Manor.
Inside the stately living room, a musical rehearsal.
Imagine me singing to the piano of the world-famous Chandell.
I must have lost my wits.
But you have a voice of a nightingale.
And remember what we're rehearsing for the annual benefit of the great Wayne Foundation.
Oh, my, yes.
It's downright selfish of me to be so nervous, isn't it? Listen for a moment.
I'll toy idly with the keys and set the mood again.
Such mastery of the keyboard.
It's almost hypnotic.
I can almost smell the Highland heather, remembered so fondly from my youth.
And I can see the Gordens and the Campbells coming down the slopes of Loch Lomond to meet-- - Bless my eyesight.
- Oh.
Good day to you, lads and lassies.
A very good day to you.
Hand over your jewelry, will you now? You fiendish figments of the imagination, what's the meaning of this? We are ghosts, maestro.
We've been called from slumber by your bonny music.
Aye, it will happen again and again wherever you perform.
Go away.
I've never heard such a monstrous threat in all my life.
Hear this then, maestro.
Oh, it's inhuman.
Indeed, madam.
Demonic.
- Oh.
- Swiftly now, lassies, we've much to do.
- The bonny baubles are in the bag.
-Well done, lassies.
Now, let's see what else we can pick up in handsome Wayne Manor then it's over the hills and far away.
Oh.
Oh, maestro, maestro.
Oh, mercy alive.
Police.
Amazing, an armed assault by female phantoms.
Ha.
Almost beyond belief.
And in our house too.
What on Earth will Bruce and Dick say when they get home? Get home? Uh, Mr.
Wayne is away? Oh, yes, he's off in the wilds with the Millionaires Hunting Club and my nephew, Dick, is on a school holiday.
Maybe a blessing.
With any luck, we'll have this wrapped up by the time they return.
Luck spelled "Caped Crusaders.
" Oh.
What a wonderful idea.
- Why didn't I think of them? Heh-heh.
Police headquarters.
Switchboard, Commissioner Gordon here.
Plug me in at once into the hotline Batphone circuit.
I regret to say, sir, Batman and Robin are not at present available.
What? Well, surely, you must be jesting.
Alas, sir, I am not.
Batman is enjoying one of his infrequent vacations.
Catastrophic, unprecedented.
Batman and Robin not available.
You-- You know what this means, don't you? If you're thinking what I'm afraid you're thinking Precisely, Chief O'Hara.
The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived.
This time we're going to have to solve a case ourselves.
Who knew in advance that you would be playing a Scotch theme? Yes, Mr.
Chandell, who indeed? Who beside yourself? Really, gentlemen, I'm dismayed.
This morning's Gotham City Times, the society page: "Among the highlights will be a medley of Highland airs sung by Mrs.
Harriet Cooper to the piano of the incomparable Chandell.
" This travesty's gone far enough.
Now, are you going to call Batman, or do I have to call him myself on that famous hotline I've read so much about? Mr.
Chandell.
It's useless.
The grim truth is that Batman and Robin are on vacation.
The Dynamic Duo, out of town? How crushing.
Crushing, indeed.
Well, who is going to protect my concert tonight at Gotham Town Hall? Tonight? Now, hear this, emergency, cancel all leaves.
Throw a complete anti-criminal cordon around Gotham Town Hall.
Don't count us out, Mr.
Chandell.
The situation is well in hand.
Good day, sir.
A good day, sir.
But will it be a good night? I'm frightened, Chief O'Hara.
An echo haunts my ears.
I'd give me right arm to hear it now.
The noblest, most inspiring words in the entire English language: "To the Batmobile, Robin.
Let's go.
" NARRATOR".
Behind the facade of a bankrupt manufacturer of music rolls for mechanical player pianos the headquarters of an infamous criminal genius, Chandell.
Seems almost too easy with Batman and Robin on vacation.
Chandell, love, could it be a trap? Oh, impossible, my sweets.
You should have seen the dear commissioner's face.
The Dynamic Duo is away, all right.
What a break.
The one every super crook has dreamed of.
They're utterly fooled.
Our clever charade at Wayne Manor has put me above suspicion.
Gee.
Oh, that must be your twin brother, Harry, at the secret entrance.
Get into your costumes, dearies.
I'll let him in.
Everything set for tonight's caper? Of course.
Tiny radio transmitter hooked up inside your criminal piano? - Naturally.
-It should be a pretty good haul.
I'll take 95 percent this time.
You fiend.
Blackmailing a genius like myself into a life of crime.
It's your own fault, Chandell, kid using a mechanical player piano at the White House concert which made you famous.
What else could I do? I'd hurt my fingers in the piano lid.
Who cares? If I expose what you did, the great Chandell is deader than this music roll factory.
Using a player piano, fooling the president of the U.
S.
A with a roll out by Paderewski.
Harry, what would it take for me to get out of your power? Five million bucks, cash.
I can get it for you, Harry.
Five million? Where? I have a fantastic plan.
In fact, I've already started.
If it works, I'll have the entire fortune of the Wayne family.
Chandell, have you flipped your keyboard? Ask me no more, dear brother, you'll see.
What, we have to be fingerprinted before we enter the auditorium? - How very gauche, if I may say so.
-Oh! All right, Hoffman.
Officer.
Let these people through.
As I scarcely need tell you, Mrs.
Cooper, we have grave fears tonight.
I'm taking no chance of a criminal slipping through.
Of course, I understand.
But how embarrassing for poor Chandell.
Can't be helped.
I'm leaving no stone unturned in our effort to protect him.
- Have a pleasant evening.
-Thank you.
Still, it nags at me.
There's a certain indefinable clumsiness in our procedure.
D-minus-5 seconds, curtain going up.
Commissioner Gordon to all machine gunners stationed in theater boxes, get ready.
At the first sign of criminal activity, make every bullet count.
Strange.
Strange? Strange what? I've been listening to that Chandell concert from Gotham Town Hall.
Just before the end of "Danse Arabe" he struck a C-minor chord that I'm positive doesn't belong there.
I'm not sure I follow you.
Oh, I don't know, just a simple error.
But do me a favor, chum, run out and check the muskrat traps? Sure thing, Bruce.
Gee, Sal.
Gosh, Dick.
- That about says everything, doesn't it? -Uh-huh.
Oh, me and my left-footed thumbs, how did I do that? It's all right, Dick, I'll mop it up.
- Are you sure? -Uh-huh.
Oh, don't be upset.
- Dick Grayson to Bruce Wayne, what's up? -Not sure.
What would you say if I said the great Chandell had just made a mistake in a C-minor chord? Holy impossibility.
Precisely, Dick.
Something strange and unusual is going on.
I'm afraid it means the end of our vacations.
Oh, of all the awful luck.
- Mm, beg pardon? -Never mind, Bruce.
The fight against crime comes before everything.
- Where do you want me to meet you? -Wayne Manor.
I fear we haven't a moment to lose.
Good heavens.
The Burma Import Company, it's just been blasted and robbed.
Saints alive.
While he was playing a Burmese number.
The same dreadful pattern.
The felons were a trio of female phantoms, apparently Burmese dancing girls.
Chief O'Hara to all machine gunners you can put back on your safety catches, we've been outfoxed.
Batman.
Batman, where the devil are you in this hour of need? Yes? Chandell here, my sweets.
How did it go? Like a dream, lover.
Too bad we have to turn over 95 percent to that chiseling, bad nick brother of yours.
Don't worry, we'll buy him off forever, quite soon.
Instructions, stake out Wayne Manor and let me know the moment Bruce Wayne and his young ward return.
A grim tale, indeed.
I reproach myself bitterly for having been out of touch.
Oh, I wouldn't do that, sir.
Doubtless your brief excursion into the wilderness has sharpened your mind.
True, Alfred, and yet Where's Mrs.
Cooper now? At her request, sir, I left her at Gotham Town Hall.
She insisted on paying a private visit to the great maestro in his dressing room.
Gosh, he's quite a famous ladies' man, isn't he? Really, Dick, I'm afraid some romantic interlude has fevered your imagination.
Your Aunt Harriet is utterly above reproach.
Gee, whiz, I certainly didn't mean that she Holy apparition.
Gone, like wraiths.
Who the heck were they? Criminal tools, of course.
There's a mystery here and I have a strange hunch that Chandell is at the heart of it.
- Will the commissioner be in his office? -Of course.
In the face of this crime wave he'll be alertly marshaling all the forces of law and order.
- Yes? -Put any fears you may have had aside commissioner, we're back in action.
Batman.
Batman.
The answer to a policeman's prayer.
Thank you, commissioner.
Good night.
First on the agenda, check on Aunt Harriet.
To the Batpoles.
Let's go.
Bonnie, call Chandell in his dressing room at Gotham Town Hall.
Tell him the Dynamic Duo is back in action.
Yes, sir.
Back in action? Uh, how reassuring.
Thank you for the information.
What is it, maestro? Oh, nothing, just a call from my agent.
- Are you enjoying your root beer? -Oh, yes, it's delicious.
May I? Yes, sweet lady, it has been most delicious but I fear this thrilling téte-à-téte must come to an end for now.
Oh, how thoughtless of me.
Artists like yourself need sleep, don't they? You put it so well.
Dear Harriet, until tomorrow? Oh, what dreams I'll have.
I trust you'll have no trouble getting home, my pet? I sent Alfred on ahead but there's almost always a cab waiting downstairs.
Until tomorrow.
- Parting is such sweet sorrow.
-Oh.
Until tomorrow.
Good news, Chandell, kiddo, your pal, Mr.
Wayne, is back.
Bad news, so are the Caped Crusaders.
They must be eliminated.
- How? - Are your nasty piano movers handy? Yeah.
They're snoozing in the back room.
Awaken them at once.
Do exactly as I say.
There's Aunt Harriet now, getting into that cab.
- Holy relief, she must be on her way home.
-No doubt, Robin.
Let's have a word with Chandell, shall we? The poor devil.
He's been assaulted with a root beer bottle.
What luck.
Here's a bottle of smelling salts.
Heavenly days, am I dreaming? No, it's us, in the flesh.
Who attacked you? I've covered for the fiend long enough.
It was my criminal twin brother, Harry.
Holy fratricide.
Any idea where he hangs out? As a matter of fact, yes.
His lair is an abandoned music roll factory.
Twenty Befront Street.
Zip code, 9999979.
Thank you, Chandell.
We'll take care of him.
Come on, Robin.
Look, Batman, the felonious phantoms.
Indeed, Robin.
From the looks in their eyes, I think they're the victims of some kind of criminal hypnotism.
Let's interrogate them, huh? Good thought, Robin.
Perhaps we can learn something.
Take them to the cutting machine.
Holy pianola, what is this? It's obvious, we're about to be fed into a machine designed to perforate paper into player piano rolls.
Farewell, costumed clowns.
And now, exit music for a pair of bats.
You'll come out presently as perforated music rolls.
The great Chandell could play no more prettily than you will.
Good bye.