Becker s02e15 Episode Script

( upbeat blues theme playing ) Ahoy, palloi.
I bring sad tidings from Bob-land.
He's officially joined the ranks of the homeless.
As if the homeless didn't have enough problems.
I've been kicked out.
Uh, now, I thought a man's home was his castle.
What-- What castle? You live in your mother's rest home.
And she threw me out.
I mean, it's so unfair.
Mom has shrunk so much, she doesn't need the whole bed.
Here's an idea: get an apartment.
Can't afford one, which puts Bob in need of a place to live.
How about it, stretch? Fold-out couch? Body pillow? Make it a body bag, and you've got a deal.
How about it, Jake? You won't even know I'm there.
Don't even think about it.
Thanks for nothing, night-light.
Is the moron who owns the beige Cavalier in here? That's ours.
Problem? Yeah, problem.
You parked across two spaces.
I had to park three blocks away.
We'll move the car when we're done eating, okay? Oh, fine, fine.
The world's on hold until you guys finish eating your damn hobo omelets.
I don't think you should talk to them like that.
Mind your own business, will you, Reg? Okay.
Eating kind of slow, aren't you, fellows? Look, we're cops.
Understand? So calm down.
And we'll move the car in a few minutes.
Oh, cops.
Sorry.
Sorry.
But shouldn't the rules apply equally to everyone? Look, buddy, give it a rest.
All right, all right, you're right.
Take your time.
Just take your sweet-ass time.
One thousand one, one thousand two-- You know, you may think you're above the law, but you're not.
Becker-- Reg, mind your own business, will you? I mean, how long you going to sit there, huh? Huh, fellas? I mean, don't you have suspects to abuse? Drugs to plant? Come on, how much-- How much do I have to grease you guys to move the damn car, huh? Okay, now, that was a mistake.
That's it.
You're under arrest.
Hands behind your back.
What? What'd I do? You have the right to remain silent.
Cut me some slack.
I'm a doctor.
Anything you say can Reg, say something, will you? None of my business, remember? Hey, hey, hey, guys, just a second here.
Does this mean he won't be sleeping in his apartment tonight? Oh.
( blues theme playing ) Where have you two been? You know I should never be left in charge.
His temper finally got him into real trouble.
He was arrested this morning.
No.
For harassing two cops.
No.
The judge sentenced him to anger management class.
Great.
I mean, no.
Can you believe that judge, sentencing me to anger management? You know, that's absolutely ridiculous.
I do not have a problem with anger.
I have a problem with this stupid coat! Your Honor, I rest my case.
Hello, ladies.
While the doc's in jail, he wanted Bob to keep an eye on his place.
So if you'll just give me the keys, I'll be on my-- Oh, you're out.
Thank God.
Just get away from me, will you? Doc, come on, Bob's got no place to live.
BECKER: Don't care.
You're compassionate.
Otherwise you wouldn't work in a crap hole like this treating vermin like them! Hey.
Oh, calm down! You know you're vermin! Damn, Bob is screwed.
Hey, if you really have no place to live, you can stay with me.
Excuse me? I have plenty of room at my place.
Excuse me? Stay as long as you like.
Wow, thanks.
Look, we'll iron out the details later.
First, Bob's gotta go to the can.
Uh, that's the ladies' room.
Not for the next 20 minutes.
Linda, I know you have a big heart, but are you sure this is a good idea? You're the one who's always telling me to help the needy.
Yes, but-- And isn't Bob needy? Oh, yes, but-- Isn't that what Christianity's all about? Christ never met Bob.
( blues theme playing ) Hello, everyone.
Welcome to Techniques for Managing Anger.
I'm Richard Wilson, your facilitator.
And, while I know you're all here just to avoid jail time, that doesn't mean we still can't have fun, right? Okay.
Now, let's get on track.
Do you know why I said "get on track" that way.
Brain tumor? No.
It's because "track" is an acronym for remembering the steps to managing anger.
Take behavioral inventory.
Reduce emotional investment.
Aspirate slowly.
That means breathe.
Circumvent conflict.
K, you've beaten anger.
Any questions? Not about the missing O in okay.
Okay.
Now, I'd like each person to introduce him or herself and explain why he or she is or are here.
Why don't you go first? ( clears throat ) I'm Lenny Sinclair.
I'm here 'cause I might have dropped a bowling ball out of my window onto my landlord.
Okay.
Ma'am? I'm Clovis Bungent.
I'm here 'cause I kicked the ass of someone who screwed with me.
And if any of you screw with me, I'll kick your ass too.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Uh, do you want to go next? Ned Chalmers.
C-H-A-L-M-E-R-S.
I'm here because I had trouble at work.
What kind of trouble? Bad trouble.
Okay.
And, uh, you, sir? Oh.
There's-- There's been a huge misunderstanding.
You know, my story is completely different from these other people.
I was not the aggressor.
I was the victim.
See, there's this diner I go to-- I walked in just like I do every morning.
Hi, everyone.
Oh, good to see you.
Hey, looking good.
Reg, Jake, what a morning, huh? Oh, by the bye, I hate to be a bother, but it seems someone's car is parked across two spaces, and is in danger of getting a citation.
Shut your hole! Let's get him.
Oh.
( sirens blaring ) So you see, you know, I don't have a problem with anger.
You know, I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Just like my landlord and the bowling ball.
Shut your hole.
Okay.
( blues theme playing ) ( knock on door ) Hi, Bob.
Sorry about the doorman.
It's okay.
You can't be too careful these days.
Although I thought the cavity search was a bit much.
Mr.
Nakamoto searched you? Please tell me Mr.
Nakamoto is a large Hispanic man.
Well, let's say he is.
Come on in.
Oh, my God.
Bob's never been in a place this good.
Bob's never even been kicked out of a place this good.
Thanks.
But it belongs to my parents.
They just let me stay here.
Wow, my parents sure never got me a penthouse.
No, I take that back.
My dad gave me a Penthouse once.
But that was only because they printed his letter.
Well, I've had kind of a long day, so I'm gonna turn in.
I've made up the spare bedroom for you.
It's the second door on the left.
The kitchen's through there if you get hungry, and, well, you know what, just make yourself at home.
Glad to have you here.
Listen, uh, I just want to say, I really appreciate this.
The city can be a cold place.
You don't really expect anyone to reach out and help you.
I'll never forget what you've done for me, Lisa.
Linda.
Right, Linda.
( blues theme playing ) Well, I had my first anger class, and it really works.
I'm pissed as hell.
You know, what a joke.
You know, y-you sit in a room with a bunch of psychos, you know.
They pass out pamphlets.
Oh, yeah, and then they give you one of these.
This is my favorite.
They have a negative emotion advance warning system.
It's a rubber band.
Oh, college girl.
Yeah, you're supposed to slip it on your wrist like this.
Whenever I feel I'm getting angry, I snap it.
Well, that sounds like it hurts.
It does.
Won't that make you more angry? Shut up.
You know, we covered this in my Psychology class.
It's totally valid.
Behavior modification is used to break the patterns-- Hey, you know, Doctor Mumbo von Jumbo, a couple of classes at the Institute of Psychology and Air Conditioning Repair do not qualify you to pepper me with dime store generalities.
You know, this crap may work for some people, but I don't need it.
I'm already a nice guy.
Yeah, and to prove it, whoever's got the minivan out front, you're about to get a ticket.
Your meter ran out.
Thanks for the warning.
While you're up, would you mind feeding the meter for me? What-- Anything else I can do for you? You know, wash your car, rotate your tires? Becker, I don't think you-- Reg, would you please mind your own business? Okay.
You know, it's your car.
Why don't you get off your butt and feed the damn meter yourself? No problem.
Sorry to have bothered you.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) There you are.
Bob's been looking all over for you.
He brought you a little present to show his gratitude for putting a roof over his head.
Well, look, Bob, you didn't have to buy me anything.
Nonsense.
It's the least I can do.
So, Linda, how does Thai food sound for dinner? Fine, I guess.
Great.
Pick some up.
I'll meet you at home.
I've got a date with a Jacuzzi.
The thing's got 10 jets.
It's a miracle I ever leave the place.
Aren't you gonna open it? I'm afraid to open it.
You don't have to open it.
It's a leopard thong.
How do you know? First gift? Yeah.
Leopard thong.
Do you really think he'd give me something like-- Okay, let's say he did.
Linda, I think that little man is getting the wrong impression.
Oh, it's not that bad.
He's just like a stray dog.
He follows me around, scratches himself, and he keeps leaving nose prints on my windows.
Well, maybe it's time you took him to the woods and let him go.
But you really should do the responsible thing first and have him neutered.
I can't just kick him out.
He's got no place else to go.
I should just let him stay there.
Can I move in with one of you guys? Oh, yeah, I'm glad you're here.
Uh, look, uh-- I was in here last night, and I had an experience that really, well, it-- It made me realize that I-- I may have a small problem with anger.
( laughs ) Well, I-I thought about it a lot, and I-- And I realized that the, uh, anger class, uh, may-- May have some merit.
So I-I'm gonna use its techniques to try to, uh, change my life completely.
( laughs ) Are-- Are you gonna keep doing that? I don't know yet.
All right, see, the, uh, fir-- The first step is to-- To call, uh-- To call upon my support network.
That's-- Well, that's, uh-- That's all of you, uh, for your-- For your assistance in-- Jeez, you know something, this is-- The hell with it.
You know, just-- I'll-- I'll try to control myself.
And you just try not to piss me off.
( laughs ) Well put.
( laughs ) Wow, John.
I'm impressed.
Yeah? Oh, well, yeah, thank you.
I, uh-- You know, I-- I realized that if try to listen-- I'm really glad this is-- Would you let me finish? ( toy siren blaring ) Vroom, vroom.
Hey, do that someplace else.
Please.
Vroom, vroom, vroom.
( siren continues ) Whoa.
Hey.
Jake.
Hell, I'm not in the class.
( blues theme playing ) That's right I'm living on Fifth Avenue, so drop dead.
Okay, Ma, talk to you later.
Hey, roomie.
Where you been? I've been walking around outside for hours because I didn't wanna come in.
Which is a problem because I live here.
We have to talk.
Oh, no.
You're gonna kick Bob out.
You've got that same look my mother had, only there's nothing coming out of your eye.
Is this about me staring at you in the middle of the night? Because in all fairness, I thought you were asleep.
Yes.
That's exactly what this is about.
And a lot of other stuff too.
Like what? Well, like using the forks to scratch your back.
The noises when you shower.
And the fact that you keep doing my laundry.
Bob's just trying to help.
Yeah, but I never get anything back.
Look, Bob, I'm really sorry, but I think you're gonna have to leave.
Well, I can't say this is a big surprise.
My psychic told me this would happen.
By the way, I used the phone.
I'm really sorry.
That's okay.
Bob knows he doesn't belong in a place like this.
You know, it's funny, when I was a kid, there was this apartment building off the expressway.
It was grungy, disgusting, had this big sign on it that said, "If you live here, you'd be home by now.
" And you were afraid you'd end up there? No, that's where I lived.
But when I came to the city, I'd look up at these buildings, and I'd wonder what type of people lived in them.
Well, for a few days, I-- I actually got to be one of those people.
And that's thanks to you, Linda.
I won't forget it.
I'll get my stuff.
Bob, wait a minute.
Yeah? Maybe we could work this out.
Really? Because Bob will do anything.
You just name it.
For starters, we're gonna have to establish some boundaries.
Okay? You need to respect my privacy, respect my things, and above all, respect me.
It's kind of new territory for me, but I'll give it a shot.
Bob.
I'll do it.
So roomies? Roomies.
( laughs ) Oh.
This is nice.
Two friends, sitting, relating.
This is really nice.
Yes, it is.
Bob? Yeah? Could you please close your robe? ( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Deep breaths, everyone.
In.
Out.
Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't find a damn parking spot.
But I did not get upset.
I got on a track.
Dr.
Becker, we're right in the middle of our centering exercise.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
In.
Out.
In.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
But there doesn't seem to be a-- A chair for me.
I guess we're one short.
Just try to make yourself comfortable.
In.
Out.
And okay.
WILSON: Very good.
Well, since this is our last class, time for growth reports.
Lenny? Well, I went to visit my landlord in the hospital.
You know, to apologize for putting him there.
I felt like taking a pillow and smothering him to death.
But I didn't.
I think that's a positive step.
Oh, so do I.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Why aren't there enough chairs? You knew how many people were coming.
Well, each class gets only so many chairs, and anger management tends to break more chairs than the other groups.
Remember last week, Lenny? Yeah, I'm sorry.
All right, fine.
Clovis? Since I started coming here, I haven't kicked one ass.
Excuse me.
Why do I have to stand when everyone else gets to sit down? I mean, that's not fair.
Dr.
Becker, remember what we say.
Fair is a place where hogs compete for ribbons.
WILSON: Clovis? Now I lost my train of thought.
I like trains.
That's good, Ned.
Go with that.
I tried to push my boss in front of a train once.
But, now I know that's bad.
Okay.
Look, you know, I'm trying to be reasonable here, but you know, this-- This-- This is crap.
See, I understand why you let the old lady and the wacko here sit down, but I mean, what about-- What about the rest of these losers? Uh-uh.
BECKER: Oh, calm down.
You know you're losers.
Dr.
Becker.
Well, how come I have to manage my anger standing up when everybody else gets to do it sitting down? I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand the whole time.
Screw it! EVERYONE: Oh.
What? What, "Oh"? What-- Why is everybody looking at me? Dr.
Becker, I'm afraid you've just failed your final exam.
What are you talking about? The missing chair, I did that on purpose.
I created a situation that would ordinarily give rise to anger to see if you could cope.
And you couldn't.
Now you'll have to take the class again.
What the hell was I supposed to do? You could have been patient.
You could've sat on the floor, borrowed a chair from another room, asked one of your classmates to share with you.
I would've shared with you.
Not an option.
And neither is taking this class again.
You know-- No, I'm sorry.
Forget it.
You know, I'm out of here.
If you walk out of here, I'm gonna have to report your failure to the judge.
Oh, please.
What is the judge gonna do to me, huh? What the hell is he gonna do? ( siren wailing ) Hey, Becker, you missed a spot.
Just keep walking.
There's nothing to see here.
Oh, Becker, you might want-- Hey, Reggie, for once in your life, will you mind your own busi--? Okay.
( blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing )