Comic Book Men s02e15 Episode Script

Greatest american hero.
A joke or a real superhero? - No.
Not a real hero.
- Why? Never figured out how to use his powers-- Yeah, he lost the manuals, right? So what? He has a suit that allowed him to fly, super strength, bullet proof.
He never did anything with it.
But he was a reluctant hero, though.
That's what the charm was.
It's not the suit that makes a hero.
But what you do, right? Well, if the suitcase is your power, it is.
Yeah, exactly! Hello, and welcome back To another episode of Comic Book Men, The only show that's terrified Of running into our own doppelgangers.
I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
So what's been going on this week? You should have seen this guy that came in.
It was hilarious.
He comes in, like, almost like he's smuggling I Like, contraband.
- Hey, what's up? - How you doing? - What can I do for you today? - I'm looking to sell this.
Oh, yeah? Okay.
Let me just jump on the other side here for a second.
All right, what do we got? It is a Takara reissue of the 1984 Megatron toy From Transformers.
So the reason why this thing is so cool Is that you will never be able to buy this in a toy store Because there's these laws that state You can't actually sell a toy gun That looks like a real gun.
Now, if you mail-ordered this from these internet sites, They had to cut the box open And insert a blaze orange plug into the barrel.
If you buy it as a retailer, can you not sell it then? Yeah.
Wouldn't I get in trouble trying to sell this? I think you should be okay.
Well, we'll go on his assumption That you won't get in trouble.
There is always a market for banned toys.
Oh, yeah.
The freddie krueger doll, remember? Pulled from the toy shelves because people were like, "he's your favorite mass-murdering psycho.
" Oh, they wrote that on the box? Yeah.
He didn't look that evil.
He almost looked like a cabbage patch kid on a bad day.
What are you looking to get for it today? $250.
What'd you buy it for? I bought it for 80.
- 80 bucks? - 80 bucks.
But I mean, the thing is, you know, I kind of had to know a guy who knows a guy.
I kind of felt like I was buying illegal drugs, 'cause I had to go up to this guy's hotel room and, You know, do the transaction, and-- - It was like a nerdy russian arms dealer.
I'll give you You kidding me? - No.
- This is unplugged.
The--the plugged versions Aren't even going for 100 bucks.
- Is this it? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
Brother, I could buy it right now for a buck 30.
But that's a different megatron.
That one is colored black.
Oh, a racist, as well as a criminal.
All right.
I am not a racist.
That is-- That's an inaccurate portrayal of Megatron.
He was silver in the cartoon, not black.
Me and walt don't see color.
It wouldn't matter to us what color he was.
In all intense purposes, it would be illegal To sell this in the stash, wouldn't it? Yeah, I mean, without the tip on it-- - But then I'm thinking, like, "hey, man, We get to be known that we're selling underground toys.
" It's kind of, like, street cred, though.
That's true.
Suddenly, We have an edge that we don't have.
- We don't call the police on you after you leave.
- No, I can't do it.
- No? I'm losing on this.
I got the unplugged version.
No, you're not.
You told us you paid 80 for it.
- 120 is the top that I can do.
- That's the top? Yeah.
I think I gotta hold onto it.
Yeah, you gonna hold onto it? I just don't know how long I'd be sitting on it And what kind of headaches it'd bring me, you know, - Putting it on the shelf.
- Fair enough.
Like, ming starts playing with it, Somebody gets the wrong idea, they gun him down.
I can't have ming's blood on my hands.
Nah.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- All right, well, - Thanks anyway, guys.
- All right, man.
- Thanks.
- All right, have a good day.
Was there ever a neater resolution To a romantic triangle than Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker, Mary Jane Watson? Okay, I don't know if I'd call that neat, One of them being thrown off a bridge, Snapping her neck while said hero tries to save her.
Worked itself out nicely.
It was Gwen Stacy, and who was the other one? Mary Jane Watson.
Gwen was the epitome of the girl next door, An angel in go-go boots.
- Really? - Uh, you're forgetting The retconning of Gwen Stacy, though.
Oh.
- What happened? - I don't really count that.
There was a period where Gwen was absent from Spider-Man's life.
She went to london to figure stuff out After her father died.
She was seduced by Norman Osborne - The Green Goblin.
- The Green Goblin, - Was carrying his babies.
- "Babies"? Yeah, she was having twins.
She cheated on peter parker With Peter Parker's greatest enemy.
So wait a second.
Then the Green Goblin threw her off the bridge.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
So he killed the mother of his Goblin babies? - Yes.
- Wow.
Why was that not in the movies? That's awesome.
Hi, I called you about the George Perez sketch.
Yes.
Oh, wow.
He's arguably the greatest living comic book artist.
Superman has kryptonite, The only thing that can kill him.
- What's your kryptonite? - I don't know.
I don't--I mean, maybe if they held your family hostage.
Like, that's not really kryptonite though, That's anybody.
I think a woman.
Like, a beautiful woman.
Like, sometimes, when I'm in the store, A beautiful woman wants, like, a discount, And you're not here, I've-- I've been known to hit the 10% off button.
You're admitting to me right now, If somebody comes in who's semi-attractive, You're willing to give them a discount? I think his real kryptonite Are simple questions that elicit stupidity.
Why would you ever tell him that? You guys ever wonder what my kryptonite is? I mean, high prices and obnoxious customers? I don't know.
Whats it? I don't know if I have a kryptonite.
There's nothing that can stop you.
That's awfully modest.
So anthony, what's the one piece That you're always hunting for? The Avengers 4 cover.
No doubt about it.
That's where they reintroduce Captain America.
It's just the most iconic image.
And it is the Moby Dick, because it's not known to exist.
Does that exist? - Probably not.
- No.
Hey, guys, how are you doing? - How you doing? - I'm Vince.
I called you about the George Perez sketch.
- Yes.
- All right.
- Let me show it to you.
- Perez sketch? This is a treat.
- There you go.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Prince Namor.
And you're looking to move it today? I'm looking to move it.
All right, this is anthony.
- Hi, how are you doing? - Hey.
Anthony is one of the biggest original comic book art dealers.
I asked him here today to look at your piece And give us his expert opinion on it.
Very good.
It's from my first comic book convention, And when I saw George Perez, he was sketching out sketches, And he was doing it for free.
Why'd you pick the sub-mariner? Everybody would get Superman.
Everybody would get Batman.
Everybody would get Thor.
Let me pick somebody else that you don't see every day.
- So you've had this since 1975? - Since 1975.
Wow.
George Perez went on to become one of the most Influential, dynamic artists in comic book history, And still is one of the top-tier pencillers in the industry.
Your husband, George Perez.
Walter Flanagan loves George Perez.
You've always been in love with his art, man.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, his art just-- Like, it touches a lobe in my brain.
I don't know if that lobe is in your brain.
It touches you some other-- All right, anthony, what do you think? It's fun, because it puts it in a--in a time and place Where george was pretty new in his career.
I mean, in the early '70s, '75, He was kind of just starting out.
He hadn't really hit his stride.
By the mid-'80s, he's, like, an industry superstar.
I think he's arguably The greatest living comic book artist.
Considering it's a young, wide-eyed george perez, What kind of money would this piece command? On a retail level, I'd put it around $250.
All right, so what were you looking to get for it today? $200.
Could you do $175? Uh - Yeah, $175 is good.
- $175 is good? - Sure.
- All right, man, Thank you for bringing this in, man.
We'll cherish it.
Thanks, guys.
Take care.
- You're welcome.
- Bye-bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.
Would you ever take a job working for a supervillain? You know, it could be anybody.
Pick one.
Ooh, I wouldn't want to work for the Joker.
It's too risky.
- No.
See, I think I would work for the joker.
Every day is gonna be different.
- No, he'd probably kill you.
- Yeah.
What about, like, Catwoman? What if the boss is a she?- Ik My wife would let me work for Catwoman.
Yeah? She should be nervous.
"I don't know if catwoman could keep her claws off me.
" I'm looking for the first appearance of Batgirl.
Here it is.
Very key issue from the silver age.
We play comic book charades.
Monster.
- Zombie.
Poop.
What's your favorite lair in the world of comics or movies? Honeycomb hideout.
That was a cool hideout.
I love the Baxter Building, you know, 'cause it's, like-- Not only did it have really badass stuff, Like a negative zone And, you know, different floors, But it also felt like it was a home.
What about Avenger's mansion? - I mean, that's a mansion.
- There you go.
Marvel had a way of making their superheroes' hideouts Feel like it was homey, but yet still badass.
- And dc doesn't do that? - Dc, I think, Tends to go for a little bit more sterile, uh-- - Sterile, solitary.
- Yeah.
Fortress of solitude, it doesn't feel like a home.
Batcave doesn't feel like home.
Yeah, you guys do realize, this is our lair, right? I mean, this is the closest we're ever gonna get To a superhero base.
Like it or love it, this is it, so you better love it.
- I love it.
- All right.
I nearly destroyed poker table with crumbs all over it.
I feel like a superhero.
You know, you got yourSuperman, your Batman.
They mostly live up to the hype, right? There's got to be superheroes that--they're just overrated.
I'm going out on a limb here.
Fantastic Four.
- All of 'em? - Wow.
Yeah.
Without the fantastic four, there is no Marvel universe.
They became huge based off the hit That the Fantastic Four became.
And they've been coasting ever since.
Ahoh! Give me somebody else.
Supergirl.
She's overrated because of her good looks.
That's what she's coasting on.
Like, if I was good-looking, I could strap on a cape.
Everybody would respect me, right? Ah, you dropped the "Chuluthu.
" - Do it.
- Come on.
Do it.
All right, have a great afternoon.
- Thanks a lot.
- Thanks, man.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I'm actually here looking for The first appearance of Batgirl.
We do have that.
Ming, could you do me a favor and grab The detective, first appearance of Batgirl, please? Yeah, what number is that? - 359.
- 359.
Nice that she has to tell you your business, Ming.
Thanks.
Okay, there it is.
Finally.
Nice to be able to hold it.
So who was Batgirl? Do you know what was the actress's name? I don't know, I can't remember.
- What was the actress's name? - Yvonne Craig.
- Yvonne-- - Oh, my goodness.
I'm sorry.
Can you guys switch places, man? This is too much! Look.
It's too much to bear.
- Big Batgirl fan? - I am.
Actually, what had happened that made me Want to get this issue Was I had surgery a couple years ago.
Everything turned out to be okay, But it was a little bit of a scare, And I was basically under house arrest For about a month.
I couldn't do anything, So I picked up my old comics.
I found that I really related to Batgirl.
Bry, you probably know Batgirl From the television show, right? - Yeah.
- Remember, She was a nerdy librarian, wore the glasses.
Came off The hair comes down.
Just like that, right? That was good.
I loved watching the Batman TV show And waiting to see-- in the credits sequence, You could tell whether it was gonna be A Batgirl episode or not.
Yes! Yes.
Prepubescent sexuality channeled by sitting there Waiting for the appearance of the Batgirl cartoon cycle To go through the frame, and you were like, "ohh!" I don't know how to channel it.
Ah! It's happening to me! Very key issue from the silver age.
The introduction of a major character That's still a major character to this day.
We're looking to get 375.
I was hoping, you know, for maybe 200.
No? First Barbara Gordon in the bat costume, With her bat purse, Which she doesn't really carry anymore, I don't believe.
I could do360.
Oh.
All right, I-- - 340? - I'll take it.
- Yeah? Your story should have been way sadder.
Now, in a negotiation instance like this, where you have Somebody that's coming in with a sympathetic tale, It sounds like, does that affect how you negotiate? There's no way it cannot affect you.
And you hear a story like that, you're a little bit more apt To maybe deal a little bit more than you would With the average healthy person.
You did the right thing.
If by "the right thing," you mean less than 10% off, Then yes.
Is there any chance I could leave early today? What, you have nothing to do? There's no one in here.
I got everything done.
All right, then we play comic book charades.
All right? - All right.
- Got one? Uh, yeah, I think I got one.
- All right, let's see it.
- Everybody's playing? Yeah, we'll all play.
Do it up.
All right, ready? - One.
- One word.
Daredevil.
- Oh, my God.
- That was it? You should have just let him go home early.
- Two words.
- Okay.
First word.
- Silent.
- Silence.
The shadow.
Second word.
- The punisher.
- Shooting.
War.
Secret war.
- Booya! - Got it.
Crisis on Infinite Earths.
I love how Mike gets into it.
- Universe.
- World.
All: World.
- You.
- Present.
The second world? The second word now? Okay.
- Patriotic.
- Patriotic.
Captain America.
Um, I don't know what you're doing there.
You're just posing weird.
- First word was "world.
" - Okay, "world.
" World's Finest.
Oh! - One word.
One word.
One word.
- It's only one word.
Heaven? Sky.
- Monster.
- Frankenstein.
Monster.
- Dance.
- Dance? - Poop.
- Fish.
- Tail.
- Fish.
Tail.
- Tail.
- Tail? Wow, we really could play this all night.
- Godzilla.
- Tyrannosaurus.
- Godzilla? - Yeah.
- Oh, "god," oh.
- Up from the depths.
Heaven, god.
All right, I guess it's time to go home now.
Let's get out of here.
That's the most sought-after monster model kit.
Oh.
What do you guys think? Who is more powerful, Heat miser or snow miser? Is that, uh, Year Without a Santa Claus? Very good.
Um I mean, from what I remember, Heat miser was a little more badass.
He was, like, angry all the time, right? I think he would lose to snow miser, though - Why? - 'Cause snow miser was Just as evil, but calculating.
Cold--pardon the pun-- cold and calculating.
He wasn't given to emotion like heat miser was so much.
So this would be, like, a civil war.
- Brother versus brother battle.
- Minus the slavery.
- What's up, guys? - Hey, monster bill, man! - How you been? - All right, walt, how are you? Good.
Hey, this is monster Bill, Bry.
- Monster Bill.
- How are you doing? - How are you? - Good, good.
- What's going on? - That's your christian name, - I assume? - How are you, my friend? An old fried of mine-- His name is monster Bill-- came in.
Since when do you know a guy named monster Bill? Since when is he your friend? Yeah.
Could you just say "acquaintanceship"? Why does it bug you, though, That he's friends with somebody that's not you? Because he has nothing to base it on, Aside from running into a guy at flea markets.
And he's like, "oh, this is us now.
" Never made a nickname up for me.
Come on, "lazy Bry.
" What brings you in here today? Well, I'm dwindling down my collection.
I have a bride of Frankenstein aurora model kit, And it's rare.
Let's see it.
Oh, wow.
Is is what gets my heart pumping.
This is rare, huh? Yeah, 'cause that's the most sought-after monster model kit.
Open it up.
Let's check it out.
All right, bill, what are you looking to get for this? Well, I'm looking for, like, 1,500.
Oh.
You've been huffing a lot of model glue there, monster Bill.
Monster bill, what's the lowest you'll take for this? I mean, that seems a little bit out there for me today.
I really hate to see it go for less than that.
- Really? - Yeah.
Come on, monster Bill, you must have other stuff.
I have my monster van outside, And I have some stuff out there you might be interested.
You're telling me you got a monster van? - Yes.
- I'm there.
Let's go, man.
Oh, my god.
Imagine, if your van looks like this, What's monster Bill's house look like with all this mon--? Like the exact same thing.
Well, that looks familiar.
You know, seeing this, I'm thinking maybe it's time to get back on the saddle.
Yeah? In the early '90s, I had this grandiose idea that I would build models, And I would become the model maker of, You know, of the town.
'cause doesn't he get all the respect? - I hated those models, man.
- Why? I was never a big model guy, But, like, models were kind of on the way out.
Like, when I was younger, Star Wars figures were on the way in.
People were like, "I'm not gonna look at something.
I'm gonna play with something.
" The models I liked were the ones That just snapped together.
I hated the glue and the-- - The lazy boy model, though.
- Of course.
The fat boy model, yes.
I don't want to put any work into it.
How much you want for it? Why so greedy, monster Bill? How about 150? - Come on, monster Bill.
- How about 200? And how about I let you help me build the models? We'll put 'em all together.
Oh, boy.
You've been a good friend.
I'll let it go for 175.
And you'll help me put it together? - Yes.
- You got a deal.
All right.
I'm not kidding around.
No, he agreed to that.
And you know what? We put that model together.
Stop it.
Did you? Yeah, and it looks snapping.
Now, I know you're just trying to bug him at this point.
- It's ridiculous, man.
- It is.
'Cause this is the dude who's just like, "I hate everybody," and sudden, it's like, "Come on, monster Bill.
" What a bummer, man.
End of the show.
That's gonna do it for another episode of Comic Book Men.
Until next week, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
We're all just running on that cosmic treadmill, kids.
Good night.