Dan Vs. (2010) s02e15 Episode Script

1 (dramatic music) (machine gun fire, explosions, screams) Too many people, not enough bullets.
(a baby crying) Do you mind?! Ssshh! Hey! Ketchup is a privilege, not a right! Where are your parents? Yes! A quarter! Things are finally looking up.
Ugggh.
What is wrong with parents today? There you are, Kale.
Are you enjoying your frolic? I demand answers.
Why isn't this savage wearing pants like the rest of us? We subscribe to Dr.
Davis-Siegel's child-led method of parenting.
I'm Jean Goodhill.
This is my soul mate, Flynn Goodhill.
Namaste.
Back off, weirdos! And while you're at it, clothe your youngin'! Sir, I think what you need is a hug.
Kale! Get in there, buddy! Wait! No! (splash) PARENTS!!!!! I'm a parent.
And I'll say it again: just say no to parenthood! Only then will you be on the path of the righteous! Over the course of a parent's life, their child will cost them more than one million dollars! Money that could be spent on a yacht! A car made out of gold! Even one of those apes that knows sign language! (man screaming) I still don't get why it's called it a farmer's market.
They didn't even sell overalls.
At least we got all these great vegetables.
Is that-- Don't throw your lives away on people who will only grow up to resent you! Don't believe me? Just ask my parents! Wow, Dan.
I guess I always knew you'd end up a raving derelict.
Sister, I am cutting off parenting at its source.
Can I get a Dan's great? Woo-hoo! OK Dan, people don't need to be told how to be parents.
And if they do, not by you.
They can just go to Toddler Todd's Tykeland.
What in the name of all things unholy is Toddler Todd's Tykeland? It's where everyone goes to learn all the latest parenting techniques.
Why do you know that? Well I started doing some research.
Eventually, you and I are gonna wanna have chil-- OK, Dan.
I'll help you.
Oh man, oh man, she's she's already dropping the "c" word.
I mean what am I gonna do? That's easy.
I know a great divorce attorney.
Well, not great, but he did represent my dad.
I wonder whatever happened to the old man.
Well, you should write him sometime.
Why would I write to a divorce attorney? Here's what we're going do: cover you in maple syrup, roll you in feathers.
Then you go in-- Whoa.
I'm not- not going an- not going anywhere near kids.
I'm freaked out enough.
Baby! (kids laughing) You're doing great, parents.
Keep reminding your kids just how special they are! And kids, don't hold back.
You're freeeee! Toddler Todd, I presume.
Who are you? I'm with the World Parenting Organization and I'm pleased to inform you that you're the recipient of our Child Educator of the Year award.
Finally.
It was getting old losing to Funtastic Fred every year.
I hear ya.
Anyway, I've got your plaque right here in my trunk.
(grunting) Ow! (slamming trunk door) (kids laughing) Ah! Ahem! Ahem!!!! (grunts) May I have your attention please? SHUT UP!!! I'd like to inform you that Toddler Todd hasum, been arrested.
For clown trafficking.
(baby crying) Yeah.
I'm your substitute toddler guy, Dan.
Now who here has heard of the DAN Method? I'm not surprised, considering you're all awful parents! But there is hope! Let me break it down for you.
DAN stands for discipline, action, knowledge.
The three pillars of parenthood.
Hi, Dan.
Jean Goodhill.
We met earlier in the park.
I'm not sure I understand.
Well, Jean-- (baby crying hysterically) Are you going to get that? In child-led parenting, we believe babies have the right to express themselves.
Oh do you now? Watch and learn.
Ahem.
WHAAA!!! WHAA!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE!!! BLOO GLEE GLAA!! This is no way to treat the Child Educator of the Year.
That was random.
Kale, I need you to scrape the mold out of the AC unit.
You love this thing, right? Back to work! Did everyone see how I parented Kale? I incorporated all aspects of the DAN Method.
I DISCIPLINED him by making him scrape mold.
I ACTED when I destroyed his favorite toy.
And I- Dan, I know the kids are well-behaved right now, but couldn't the DAN Method give them long-term psychological damage? Who cares? It's better than your enabling, coddling, spoiling nonsense.
I really hope you don't have kids.
You'd make an awful parent.
What are you talking about? If I wanted to, I could be the best parent in the world! Help me! I've been assaulted! By who? Him! There's a simple explanation-- Hey, Dan, question for you No, it didn't go well in there.
Sometimes you can't reach people with words alone.
You have to lead by example.
Chris, I've decided to become a father.
(music sting) If I'm not ready to be a father, there's no way you are.
You're not married.
You don't-- you don't even have a girlfriend.
Why would I want a woman in my life? Taking care of a child will be enough of a burden.
That's my point.
It's a lot of work.
You can't just feed a baby turkey sandwiches like you do Mr.
Mumbles.
A lot of work or not, I have a calling.
The sooner people see what a great parent I am, the sooner everyone adopts the DAN Method and the sooner we all live in a bratless utopia.
I don't see what the big deal is.
You thought you could just walk into a doctor's office and ask to be cloned? I'm sorry.
Am I speaking Pig Latvian? (clears throat) Cloning humans isn't even remotely legal.
I would never put my career on the line for that.
Ohh, man! I guess I'll adopt.
Whoa! Sure.
The pictures are cute.
You can't smell them in pictures.
Okay, next question.
Do you have a preference between boy or girl? (murmurs softly) Well, women are kinder, gentler, naturally more compassionate.
But men do get paid more.
Boy.
Okeydokey.
And would you like a child that is American, foreign, or swirl? Hmm, what do you think, Chris? I think this whole thing is a huge mistake, and I won't let you do it.
No preference.
Just sign here and you're all set.
Dan, if you have any respect for me or what I think, you won't sign that.
Oh, Dan.
What have you done? So should I pull the car up, or does he already know how to walk? Actually, your baby boy won't arrive for 6-8 years.
There's quite a wait list for healthy infants.
But I wanted to drive home a new child today.
I'm afraid the only way we could get you a kid right now is if you were willing to somehow settle.
What do you mean, "settle"? This is where we keep the, uh ahem, irregulars.
It can't hurt to do a little window shopping.
Uh, maybe not this one.
Oh, she's cute.
(ribbits) She can be the backup plan.
Who's in here? (in an evil voice) This is not my true form.
(dramatic music) Elise, you gotta help me.
I'm at the adoption agency with Dan and he's trying to take home a kid.
What? There's no one less qualified to be a parent than Dan.
You don't have to tell me.
A child would be better off floating down a river in a basket.
Not like you, the strong, nurturing type.
You were born to be a father.
Aah! Listen, I'm thinking this may not be-- What's wrong with this one? Oh, that's Dennis.
He's just a little rambunctious.
Hi.
I'm Dan.
Who cares? (chuckles) What you got there? Catapult.
What are you gonna do with it? Get back at Pen 23 for stealing my pudding.
(grunting) He's perfect! I'll take him.
Ohh Unfortunately, Dennis was just adopted.
What? By who? (knocks at door) Excuse me.
Angelina, there are some people here to see you.
(giggling) Aah! Hey, what are you jerks doing here? These are the Goodhills.
Dennis' new parents.
(grumbling) Well, you gave the kid thing your best shot.
Want me to buy you a cookie? What you got in there? A toy? Whoa! A shiv.
Ha ha.
Mine, mine! Sorry, buddy.
That's not safe.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine! I'll give it back to you after I cover it in foam.
Ow! Hand over Dennis, or I'm throwing your keys in the sewer.
I'm sensing a lot of anger from you.
You want me to help you work through it? Work this! It's sewer time! No! Dan, if you don't stop this right now, you can forget about that cookie.
Give me my keys.
Give me my son! Dennis is ours.
We have legally adopted him.
And Flynn, stop this.
You're a pacifist.
(thuds, groans) It's bad enough you're ruining your own kid.
I'm not gonna let you ruin mine.
Why don't we just let Dennis decide? What? Huh? That's a terrible idea.
Dennis is in a very vulnerable place right now.
Instead of clouding his aura with negative energy, we should be empowering him.
And what better way than by letting him choose his own parents.
Really? You'd make it that easy for me? I might as well start lining his crate with newspaper.
Then I guess you have nothing to lose.
Dennis can spend a day with each of us.
Then he can decide who he wants to raise him.
Jean, are you sure about this? Would you rather chase him around with a shiv? My shiv! Never let 'em take your shiv, kid.
That's how you get punked.
We'll take him the rest of today, and you can-- No way! I'm going first.
Dennis, get ready for the first day of the rest of your life.
He just took our car seat.
(screaming) (both laughing) (both laughing) (laughing) (mouthing) (laughter) Dan and Dennis had so much fun yesterday, I was thinking, "If he can do it, I can do it.
" That's great, but I still don't think Dan can do it.
That's 'cause you haven't heard of the DAN Method.
(murmurs, smacks) The what? You know-- discipline, action, knowledge.
(door opens) I'm driving myself crazy here, guys.
All I can think about is the stupid Goodhills ruining my future son.
Good morning to you too, Dan.
They're probably building up his self-esteem as we speak.
(echoing blips on phone) What was that sound? I tricked Dennis into swallowing a GPS locator.
It beeps when he moves.
That is wrong for so many reasons.
What's at Magnolia and Oxnard? (gasps) Oh, no.
Of course! The secret weapon any parent can use to make a child love them.
Come on, Chris! I should go with him.
I have so much to learn.
(stammers) (door opens) I'm confused.
Is this the discipline or the action part? And isn't knowledge spelled with a "k"? I told you to take notes.
This place is awesome! (joyous music) (dramatic music) (groaning) Did you see that stack of toys? Wish they were my parents.
Well played, Goodhills.
You can always buy a child's love.
Aha! Wait here.
(humming) This ends now.
It says, "Batteries not included.
" Augh.
(grunting) Looks good to me.
What do you think, Dennis? Huh? Whee! (laughing) Oh, no, you don't.
Oh! Well, you tried.
Time to go.
What are you doing here? It's our day with Dennis.
Bribing Dennis with toys? A fine pair of hippies you turned out to be.
You two aren't fit to raise him! We're not fit? You're the one who just flew him across the store by his adorable suspenders.
Leave us alone! Oh, yeah? Who's gonna make me? Me! You just made your last mistake! Hey, what are you doing? (grunting) (ignition starts, revs) Dan! Wait up! Aah! (grunts) (chuckles) (mechanical clanging) Come on.
Come on! (grunts) You awful little man.
Look what you made me do.
I'm a pacifist.
Let us raise our children in peace! (grunts) Aah! (groaning) So what's your bedtime? (gasps) There you are, Dennis.
You're coming with me.
What are you talking about? He's mine.
I won him fair and square.
Dan, he'll never be yours.
Why? Everything I did was in self-defense.
It's not just that.
Your background check also came back.
(whistles) I don't care what Homeland Security says.
I know I'm the best parent for Dennis.
Well, I care.
And unfortunately for you, I make the decision.
Dennis is going with the Goodhills.
Oh, yeah? What makes you qualified to decide? I'm a parent.
Agh! (grunts) Just give me a moment.
Promise me you'll steal from them every chance you get.
Oh, I will.
So what do you think, Elise? Should we have a kid? (grunting) I think we already do.
Yeah.
Maybe a dog's the way to go.