Ed (2000) s02e15 Episode Script
Nice Guys Finish Last
1 (horns blaring) Shirley ( horns blaring ) I've invented a new kind of sandwich.
Only one piece of bread.
That's an open-faced sandwich.
I inventedt, I will name it, thank you very much.
( horns blaring ) ( horns blaring, glasses rattling ) Do you know what the deal is with all these trucks lately? Trucks? -Yeah, the ( horns blaring ) I can't take it anymore.
Hey! Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ( horn blaring ) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Hey, where you headed to, son? Where am I headed to? What you really need is one of them cardboard signs got your desired destination written on it.
Right, okay For example, if you wanted to go to Austin, you'd have a sign that said, "Austin.
" I'm not hitchhiking anywhere.
Well, in that case, you don't need a sign at all.
Right.
Exactly.
Right.
But I do have a question.
What's that? Why, all of a sudden is there so much truck traffic through Stuckeyville? B&B Trucking that's who most of us drive for well, uh, they changed our route.
How so? Well, you see, they discovered a little hiccu See, if you get off the highway up there at Exit 4A zip through Stuckeyville and then get back on the highway at Exit 6B, you avoid a toll.
Saves them a ton of money that way.
But it's ruining our lives.
That's not my call.
Hey, I got to roll.
Where there's chaos, there's opportunity, baby.
( horn blaring ) I'm in ( horn blaring ) ( sighs ): hell.
When it's my moment in the sun Oh, how beautiful I'll be But in a normal sort of way Like I am you and you are me.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
Molly? How are you doing? Oh, please, don't go into that mode.
What mode? The heartfelt "Molly, how are you doing?" mode.
You still haven't talked to him, have you? Nope.
He keeps calling and calling but I have the will of Lazarus.
Was Lazarus known for having a particularly strong will? What do you suppose Jim's wife is like? Oh, Mols, like they say on the afternoon talk shows "Don't go there, girlfriend.
" I know, I know, but I'm just so curious.
Well, how about tonight? You want me to come over, we could hang out? You're going into that mode again.
Sorry.
( knocking ) Hi.
Hello, Mr.
Martino.
Hi, um Come on.
Call him Dennis.
Dennis.
You're such a jerk.
I have good news.
Ooh, the students have all had their tongues surgically removed? Not that good.
Robert Stanley has accepted our offer to speak at the alumni banquet.
Hmm.
W-Wow.
Really? Mm-hmm.
( chuckling ) Wow.
So, will you get in touch with his people and organize his travel arrangements? Yes, I-I would be glad to.
Thank you.
MOLLY: Robert Stanley.
Nice going there, Dennis.
Ooh, if she gets to, I get to.
Fair enough.
You know what you should do.
No, what should I do? You should give Robert Stanley one of your short stories to read.
No.
Uh are you kidding me? No, I-I couldn't do that.
He's a big fancy author.
I'm a small unfancy not author.
Come on, Carol, if not now, when? I mean, you have nothing to lose.
No.
No.
No, I-I couldn't even think of it.
No.
( sighs ) 'Kay.
( horns honking ) NANCY: This is ridiculous.
Everywhere you look all day long, all night long: trucks.
It's like Alfred Hicthcock's The Birds, except with trucks.
The Trucks.
Yeah, honey, I got it.
The Trucks.
( chuckling ) Hey, isn't that Amy Rubin? Yeah.
Let's go talk to her.
( horns honking ) Hello, Councilwoman.
Councilwoman? Now, that sounds like trouble, Ed.
All right, "Amy.
" Uh, you know Mike and Nancy Burton and Sarah Burton.
How are you? Hi, Amy.
Good to see you.
So? You want to know what we're doing about the trucks.
Yes, I do.
-We're on it.
We hired a lawyer.
He's dealing with B&B Trucking.
He's trying to get them to stop.
-Good.
Who is it? Barry Gleep.
-Barry Gleep? You've got to be kidding me.
No, I'm not kidding you.
MIKE: We grew up with Barry Gleep.
He was a nice guy but he was always kind of a pushover, wasn't he? I'll say.
-Maybe he's changed.
Has he changed? -No, he hasn't changed.
Barry Gleep is the most incompetent lawyer in the world.
How can you trust some of the most important legal work this town has ever seen to Barry Gleep? It wasn't the council's decision; it was the mayor's.
-Ah, I see.
-What? Barry Gleep is the mayor's godson.
-I'm not confirming that was a factor.
Doesn't the mayor realize that if Barry Gleep screws this up, then Stuckeyville will forever be a truck route.
-There's nothing I can do.
Hey, come on, buddy, give me one! Whoo! ( horn blaring ) ( Mike laughing and hooting ) Something on your mind there, Zippy? Zippy? -Yeah, I thought you needed a nickname.
Zippy sounded good, but now that I hear it Maybe if I was a chimp.
Well, if you were a chimp, I'd call you Bubbles.
Isn't that the name of Michael Jackson's chimp? Yeah, but so what? Bubbles is the ideal name for a chimp.
He can't own that.
Seriously, something on your mind? Um Yeah, I, um Yeah, uh, this is um You want another Coke? Yeah.
Coke.
Two Cokes, please.
I need a favor.
Sure, what do you need? Well, I was thinking, with Robert Stanley coming to town maybe I could get him to read one of my short stories.
Hey, that's a good idea.
Yeah, I'll mention it him.
I don't think he'd have a problem reading it.
Oh, no, no, that's not the favor.
I-I have no problem asking him myself.
Oh.
Then what? Well, you know, I put a lot of stock in your opinions on literature.
I was wondering whether or not you might read my short story and tell me what you thought of it.
Why, it it won't take very much time.
It's a short story.
It has to be short by definition.
It's a bad idea.
Why is it a bad idea? Trust me, I-I'm not the guy for the job.
Why? Why? I want to be a writer you have a lot of smart things to say about writing.
What's the problem? The problem is, um, that I am very, very discerning on the topic of, uh, literature.
Exactly that's why I want you to read the story.
All right, I'll put this a different way: I hate everything.
You hate everything? Everything.
Including Robert Stanley's writing.
How can you hate Robert Stanley's writing? It's a very simple two-step process, really.
First I read it, then I hate it.
Oh.
Carol, my reading your short story's a big mistake.
But there's got to be a little chance that you could like it.
Exactly.
There is a chance.
Then why don't you read it? Because then there will no longer be a chance.
'Cause you'd hate it.
Exactly.
( quietly ): Yeah.
GLEEP: Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Uh, well, very well.
You see ( clears throat ) the color of the sweater I ordered from you was, uh, Sea Foam and the color of the sweater that you sent me was Sahara Brown.
No, no, I-I'm quite sure, actually.
Uh-huh I guess I could do that.
Okay, all right, then.
Oh.
Uh, you, uh take another look at the order form and I'll take another look at the Sahara Brown.
( chuckles ) I'll call you back.
Very well, then.
Bye-bye.
Barry Gleep.
Ed, how you doing? -Good, good.
So, listen, I hear you're representing Stuckeyville against B&B Trucking.
-Yes, I am.
And, Ed, I think this is the big one.
-Yeah, it sure is a big one.
In case you-you can't, uh, tell it's been a little quiet around here.
Practice is a little wobbly.
But, uh, if I'm the guy who gets rid of the trucks I think my whole life turns around.
-Well, what have you done so far? Hey, I'm all over this.
I called up B&B Trucking.
I laid out all our problems with the traffic.
All of them.
And, uh, oh, I got a meeting with their lead counsel.
Well, that's great.
Good for you, Barry.
Nah, that's good.
That's good.
So, uh, when's the big meeting? Oh, uh three weeks.
-Three weeks? Yeah, he's got to come all e way in from their home office in Oklahoma.
Barry, no.
No, you can't meet with this guy in three weeks.
Traffic is at a standstill.
Businesses are getting clobbered.
You got to get this guy here tomorrow.
-I tried.
He's busy.
He's ( chuckles ) Of course, yeah, he's busy.
Listen, Barry, I bet if we file for an injunction have all his trucks stop immediately he'll suddenly no longer be busy and he'll magically find the time to get here.
-Oh, come on, Ed.
He said he wanted to come but he's totally tied up.
Three weeks was the earliest he could get here.
-Barry call the man on the phone tell him to be here tomorrow or we'll file for that injunction.
-Will you come to the meeting? Me? Why? -You know, help out, make sure I don't screw it up.
I'll tell you what.
Make the call, get the guy here tomorrow I'll come to the meeting.
-Great.
I will make the call.
( horn blaring ) What's going on with the great Robert Stanley? Molly said you're too chicken to give him one of your stories.
-I wanted Dennis to read it first 'cause, you know, he knows a lot about writing.
And? -Well, he didn't want to.
He thought he might not like it.
Oh.
-Mmm.
Hey, wait would you do me a favor and read it? I'd really appreciate it.
No.
-No? Why? Look Carol, you and I have to be careful about something.
What's that? Okay, you go to your closet -Mm-hmm.
-all right and you have two pairs of shoes one comfortable, one not so comfortable because they're new.
Now, you'll be tempted to always wear the comfortable pair of shoes.
But if you always do that you never break in the new pair.
Know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
-Tell Dennis you need him to read your story I'm sure he'll do it if he knows it's important to you.
Guys, it's not just an air freshener.
It's an edible air freshener.
( loud smacking ) Now that's a 10-4 if I ever tasted one, good buddy.
( phone ringing ) ( on answering machine ): Hi, it's Molly.
Leave a message.
( beep ) JIM: Molly, it's me, Jim.
Again.
Look, I know how you feel but I've just got to talk to you.
Okay, I-I know I've screwed up, but Look, you've got to give me a chance to set things right all right, please? Just one chance to talk.
That's all I'm asking.
( beep ) Hello.
Molly.
Stop calling me.
the number of trucks coming through Stuckeyville is very difficult on everyone.
I understand completely.
And I've tried to reason with the guys running the company.
They won't hear it.
Okay.
But, Mr.
Ryan, it's very noisy.
( trucks honking outside ) Barry I know.
And I'm doing everything I can.
But detouring the trucks through Stuckeyville saves B&B over $120.
000 a year.
Right now, things are tight.
They need this to survive.
( horns honking ) Yeah, right.
Well, can't we work out some sort of compromise? I don't know.
Like, uh what if at least the trucks didn't come through on the weekends? Barry! Who is this? I'll tell you who I am.
Excuse me.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It What are you doing? Weekends? I'm opening up a dialogue.
A dialogue? I can handle this.
Just don't screw me up, okay? ( truck horn honks ) Go get 'em.
RYAN: I would love to say yes to the weekends but the guys wouldn't even listen to a proposal like that.
Okay.
Uh, well, what about, uh uh, just Sundays? I mean, Sunday mornings are just really difficult.
You know what? I'm going to try.
I am going to go back and beg them to not have any trucks come through Stuckeyville before 11:00 a.
m.
on Sundays.
Well, I really appreciate that, Mr.
Ryan.
But, hey I can't promise.
Okay.
( horns honking ) He-he's going to try to cut down Sunday mornings, so You heard him.
There was nothing he could do.
Have you lost your mind? This guy's playing you, Barry.
This guy is playing you.
I can't do this.
( anxious sigh ) Why don't you just take over? ( anxious breathing ) No, Barry, I'm not taking over, okay? I'm not taking over.
You are going to do this.
You're going to do this, but listen to me.
All right, from now on, follow my advise to the letter.
That's not a problem.
( knock at door ) Uh, yeah.
Well, just, uh Just, uh, tell us Mr.
Stanley's flight and, uh, we'll arrange it.
Oh, yeah.
Very good.
Bye.
What's up, Spanky? I don't think so.
Well, that's still better than "Zippy", right? It's a tossup.
Well, it's still early.
( clears throat ) So, Dennis Hmm? I've been thinking.
About my reading your story.
Mm-mm.
Come on.
Uh-uh.
Please? No.
Please! Uh-uh.
No.
It's important to me.
Thank you.
( clears throat ) Whoa, whoa, whoa! it, wait! You're not going to read that while I'm standing here, are you? I'm going to go.
( door closes ) Oh, Mr.
Ryan is late.
-Of course he's late.
It's his way of setting a tone that says none of this urgent.
And, by the way, you notice that you keep calling him Mr.
Ryan while he calls you Barry? Yeah.
I guess you're right.
-First rule? Ed, I got it.
-First rule? -Fewer words.
Fewer words.
Exactly.
Now, what are you going to say? Eliminating the trucking on just Sunday mornings is unacceptable.
Perfect.
Perfect.
And then, just sit there as if you'd be happy to sit there until you both die.
Don't speak.
Don't offer any alternatives.
Just sit there.
Keep repeating it.
Yeah.
-Hello, Barry.
Good news.
I talked to the guys.
They are willing to live without Sunday mornings.
Congratulations.
-Uh, Mr.
Ryan, uh, this isn't really working for us.
Uh, it's, uh It's unacceptable.
-What do you mean? Eliminating the trucking on just Sunday mornings is unacceptable.
-Whoa! We're about to dot the "i's" and cross the "t's" here and you're throwing me a major curve ball.
I mean, what are you saying here, Barry? I'm saying that eliminating the trucking on just Sunday mornings is unacceptable.
Gus.
-Okay.
Well, then I guess we have nothing to discuss.
I can still catch a flight back to Oklahoma.
( sighs ) I'll tell you what.
Let me give these guys a try.
Yeah, it's me.
Really? Really? That is fantastic news.
Great.
Thanks.
You won't believe this.
They just got out of their budget meeting.
They found some extra savings.
They have agreed to the whole weekend.
From Friday night at 5:00 to Monday morning at 9:00 no trucks in Stuckeyville.
Congratulations, Barry.
Well, that's-that's great news.
I'll get you the paperwork by tomorrow.
Take care.
( laughing ): He folded like a cheap card table.
That that was a fake phone call, my friend.
( laughs ) Hey, seriously, how was I? You were great.
Oh, hey, did you hear me throw in the "Gus?" Yep.
Ed, Ed, oh, Ed.
I can't thank you enough.
Oh! Yeah.
One problem.
-What's that? -You can't take that deal.
It's not good enough.
See you tomorrow.
What, what, what? Wait! Ed, wait, wait! Wait! Ed! Ed! Wait, wait, wait wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you talking about "not take the deal"? The guy went from early Sunday mornings to the entire weekend.
It's not good enough.
-You're crazy! -I'm taking it, Ed.
The mayor said it was my call and I'm taking it.
Listen to me.
Before this happened we barely had a truck going through Stuckeyville.
Now you want to settle for Monday through Friday? If we don't settle and we go to court, we could lose.
We could have trucks here seven days a week, and I'll be the guy who let that happen! But if we go to court, and they lose we eliminate all the trucks.
The ones we had before this; the ones that have to go through Stuckeyville won't be able to.
They have as much at risk as we do.
Yeah, but if we go to court who wins? I don't know.
We just have to hope they don't let it go to court.
No I'm sorry, Ed I'm taking the deal.
And you don't understand.
I'm not going to let you take this deal.
If you don't agree to not take this deal I will go to Amy Rubin, and I will have you removed.
No.
I know you.
You wouldn't do that.
I'm taking the deal.
-Barry Barry! Hi! Come in.
Have a seat.
Um you know, I was thinking about you reading my short story.
And you know what? I think you probably shouldn't.
I already did.
-I know, but let's-let's pretend that you didn't.
But I did.
-No, you didn't.
No.
You didn't.
Okay? So, tonight, you know what? We should rent Mrs.
Doubtfire.
I love Robin Williams -Carol, I read your story.
-And? Well -You hated it.
You hated it 'cause you hate everything.
That's fine.
Let's leave it at that.
-No, I didn't hate it.
What? -Well, uh it was it was kind of, um I-I thought there was I thought there was a lot of good stuff in here.
Uh, it-it, uh, just I guess, uh Just say it, Dennis.
Uh, okay.
I hated it.
Really? You hated it? That's good.
That's good.
That's good.
What ( clears throat ) What in particular did you hate? -I just Carol, look, what do I know? No, tell me, Dennis.
I want to learn.
You can help me.
Okay.
Well, I guess, uh, then that the characters weren't as, uh sharply defined as maybe they could have been.
You know what? That's a good note.
It's good.
The characters.
All right.
Okay.
Which characters in particular? Um well, I guess, uh, the sister.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And the mother.
Uh-huh.
You know, Carol, this really isn't constructive.
Yes, it is.
It is.
It is.
Look we are two adults.
Don't you think I deserve the benefit of your honest, unvarnished opinion, hmm? I can handle it.
Come on.
Give it to me.
Okay.
Okay.
Uh, okay, the plot Uh, I found the plot to be, uh, cliched and a little I don't know, I guess dull.
Uh, the language I found to be precious and-and forced and overeager to please.
And-and the writing style.
I mean, to tell you the truth I would be hard pressed to say that there was an actual particular writing style.
I mean, the thing never evolves into a whole.
But, like I said, I-I really think that there is some good stuff in here.
Wow! Wow.
I'm sorry.
No.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thanks.
I told you this was a bad idea.
No.
No.
It I'm totally okay with this.
Okay.
Uh we still on for Mrs.
Doubtfire? You bet.
( sighs ) ( knocking ) Ed, a woman from tribal council is here to see you.
Oh, hi, Amy.
Please.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
I was just heading out.
See you, Mike.
Please.
You got to get rid of Barry Gleep.
I'm not so sure, Ed.
I know all about the deal, and I think this may be the best thing we can do.
I don't think so.
If we go to court, who wins? I don't know.
I just have a feeling about this Trucks seven days a week will cripple us.
If it's just weekdays I think we could survive.
Amy, I have a feeling about this I think we can do better.
I don't know.
I think when push comes to shove these people will back down.
If you lose this my political career is over.
But if I win If you lose you're the guy on the line.
Not Barry anymore.
I know.
Okay.
I'll talk to the mayor.
Thank you.
I won't lose.
You talking to me or you? He tore it apart.
You know, sometimes, with criticism the negatives outweigh the positives.
Yeah.
Ed, there were no positives.
No positives? None.
None at all? Not even a token positive like, "Nice font.
Way to go with the Times New Roman"? Ed, he hated everything about it.
It was as if I said, "Sweetie "here, look at my innermost thoughts and feelings.
" ( lower voice ): "I've gazed upon them and I find them worthless.
" You call Dennis "sweetie"? Ed Do you? No.
If you're going to pursue this writing thing you're probably going to have to develop a bit of a thicker skin.
That's easy for you to say.
Do not let this get in your way.
You've got a big opportunity with Stanley.
Oh, if you think I'm ever going to let another human being lay eyes on a single word of that story You've got to.
Nope.
It's the only way to move forward.
Uh-uh.
Paul tells us that we are to love our wives and children as Christ loved the church.
Have you ever thought about how much God really loves you? What's going on? Shh.
What is this? It's our truck stop chapel.
You have got to be kidding me.
Bosco, truckers don't live on gas, grass, and alone.
They need spiritual sustenance to keep rolling down life's lonely highway.
Clear out my office now.
I'm making a mint these guys.
Which would be terrific, Ph if their trucking company weren't ruining our town.
What greater gift All right.
That concludes our service.
But you'll never forget the fun we had thanks to your very own Jesus travel mug.
That's right, Jesus himself could not have designed a better spill-proof sipping lid.
Now.
So, unchain your wallets and follow me to the shoe counter.
( clearing throat ) Ed.
Hey, Barry.
Please, step into my well, chapel.
I'm sorry.
So, you really did it, huh? You, you went to the town council.
I told you I would.
Look, Barry, I want you to know it wasn't easy for me but, business is business.
Unless you happen to be the mayor's godson.
What do you mean? They didn't fire me.
They didn't? Mayor Kendricks wouldn't go for it.
He insisted they keep me on the case.
Has Kendricks seen that deal you want to make? Doesn't he know what it will do to Stuckeyville? I don't know if he does.
But I do.
I want to reject the deal.
Are you serious? Oh, if you are wrong about this, I am dead.
Barry Let's go to work.
Is this Kris Kristofferson? Molly.
Molly, please we have to talk.
No.
-It's just five minutes.
-Go away.
But, I have to -Get out of this school right now or my hand to God, I will kick your right here in front of the AV squad.
( bell ringing ) ( horn blaring ) How you feeling, my man? -A little nervous.
A little nervous.
Ah, you're going to be fine.
You just got to walk in there and tell Ryan what's what I'll be right behind you.
Behind me oh, that's good.
That way you can catch me when I pass out.
Barry, you can handle this.
-You're right.
You're right.
Ryan and I are both rational people.
We'll just put our heads together and work something out.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you won't.
-What? -You're not going to get this done by being rational.
Why not? -It's irrational to be rational.
It's actually more rational to be irrational.
-Please talk normal.
All right case in point; here's an example.
Say you and I were two rational guys.
We've both got loaded guns.
We're pointing them at one another and I say, "Give me your wallet.
" You don't want to, so, you being rational what would you say? I'd say, "You can't shoot me "because then I'd shoot you back "and we'd both be dead so, no, you can't have my wallet.
" But what if instead of good old rational Ed Stevens what if instead I'm a raving psycho lunatic? I'm waving the gun around, I'm screaming nonsense.
I'm hooting, hollering "Give me your wallet!" What do you say? I-I'd give you my wallet.
-Why? Because I can't trust you to do the smart thing and protect yourself.
Yes.
Yes.
So, because I'm irrational, I get your wallet.
Sometimes it's more rational to be irrational.
Huh.
Hey, listen, uh, Barry, why don't you go to the drugstore and get us a couple of pre-negotiation sodas? I'll be right with you.
Okay.
( bells jingling ) Hey, Dennis.
-Hey, Ed.
What's up? -May I? -Yeah, sure, sit down.
Listen, um -Want the sports? -No, I'm good.
Front page? -No, I'm fine.
I'd offer you the word jumble, but I solved it already: "Rutabaga.
" Right.
Actually, I wanted to, uh, talk to you about something.
-What's that? It's about Carol Vessey.
About that story she wrote.
Yeah.
Your review kind of knocked the wind out of her.
Yeah, I'm, I'm aware of that.
Dennis, I know you're in a tough position, and, uh this may not be any of my business.
I think she should give that story to that Robert Stanley guy.
Not that anything might come of it.
I don't know.
I just think it's important that she take that first step and she won't unless she gets some encouragement from you.
You and Carol are pretty close, huh? Yeah.
But, you two never, uh I-I'm sorry; I don't mean to pry.
No, no, it's fine.
We never never went out.
I just find it interesting, that's all.
You don't see too many, uh, genuine friendships between men and women, especially beautiful women.
You know, the guys always want to Yeah.
But you guys are the real thing.
I know I've never had a friendship like that.
I don't think I really could.
Uh, I got to go.
See you, Dennis.
See you.
Yeah, see you.
( bells jingling ) WOMAN: Mr.
Ryan is here to see you.
Send him in.
( sharp exhale ) How you boys doing? Barry, got your fax.
Everything looks terrific and you've got some papers to sign.
( door shuts ) Barry talk to me, buddy.
Well, I've got the, uh I've got the, uh, papers right here.
But, I-I'm not going to sign them.
I'm, I'm taking back the offer.
What? Yeah, I-I-I've decided I'm not comfortable with the terms of the, uh, the deal.
You're not comfortable.
What is this, open mike night at Yuk-Yuk's? You're joking, right? You're going to have B&B Trucking restore the traffic to its normal level.
Why would I possibly agree to do that? Uh, because if you don't I'm going to take you to court.
And, uh, when I'm through well, those trucks won't be able to come within 50 miles of this town.
And how's your client going to feel about that? Gleep, we both know you're not taking me to court.
I will mop the floor with you.
This town will be deep in trucks and everybody will know it's your fault.
I will end your career my little friend.
I don't care.
What? I don't care.
I-I-I, I want to go to court.
Yeah, I got, uh, I got nothing to lose.
You have everything to lose.
-Okay, yeah, right, well so what? Bring it on.
Yeah, uh, you know what I'm going to do if I lose this case? I, uh-uh, I'm going to, uh, throw a party.
That's right, I'll throw a, a giant, four-star whoop-dee-do.
And then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give up this pathetic law practice and I'm going to take my to Hawaii.
That's right Hawaii.
You know, grass skirts and volcanoes and, and roast pig and, and snorkeling.
That's right, snorkeling.
I'll snorkel myself silly.
Yeah, see, I don't need any of this! Look, calm down, okay? -You have until 8:00 tonight to accept my offer.
If we don't hear from you by 8:00 P.
M.
sharp I'm taking you to court.
Win, lose I don't care.
Yabba dabba doo! There's just no talking to him when he gets like this.
Excuse me.
"Yabba dabba doo"? I needed a big closer.
It was the first thing that popped into my head.
I'm telling you, Mik Truly, this is one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my entire life Barry's going crazy.
No Gus Ryan's just sitting there, like he's been hit in the head with a brick.
GLEEP: It's not going to work.
He's going to call our bluff.
He's going to take us to court.
I don't think so.
You better be right.
-Well, Barry, I've got something to take your mind off your troubles.
-What's that? -Ed? -Yeah? Ten bucks to order a brandy Wait, wait, wait.
You guys still do those $10 bets? Occasionally, yeah.
That's all you got? Order a brandy, that's it? You have to say the word "brandy" 20 times.
Excuse me? Frank? -Yeah.
( Ed clears his throat ) Yeah, um, could I get a brandy brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy with a twist? ( truck passing ) DENNIS: Hey.
-Oh, hey.
I was wondering if you would take the time to read something I wrote.
Something you wrote? What's the deal, Dennis? -Just play along, please.
Okay.
( clears throat ) "'My Life as a Critic' by Dennis Martino.
"I thought Raiders of the Lost Ark "would be an embarrassing box office flop.
I thought the Wendy's fast food chain would fail" Couldn't see people going for those square burgers.
Hmm.
"I thought Aquaman would eventually become more popular than Superman" Really?! He just seemed more relatable.
"I thought the most successful Saturday Night Live alum would be Tim Kazurinsky" Who's Tim Kazurinsky? Well, that's quite a track record you got there, Dennis.
Look, I'm glad you value my opinions but I just want to make sure you put them in the proper context.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
( horns honking ) PHIL ( over megaphone ): Attention, truck drivers.
If you move your trucks I will give you a 50% discount on fuzzy dice.
( honking continues ) Act now, this will not last.
Bosco, these guys will not move their trucks.
Nobody can get in or out.
They're squeezing the life out of us.
My God, I knew it.
We are so screwed.
This is horrible.
What are we going to do? Nothing.
They'll call by 8:00.
What are you? Crazy? They're trying to intimidate us.
There's no reason to do that unless they're afraid to go to court.
Ryan just blinked.
Come on, guys.
( horns honking ) Come on! Mr.
Stanley.
Hi.
Can I get you anything? Um, just a glass of water, please.
( whispers ): Great.
By the way, I have written an incredibly boring speech for tonight.
Hope that's not a problem.
No, that-that works for me.
Um, Mr.
Stanley I'm-I'm sure you get bothered with this all the time but would you consider reading something that I wrote? It would be a pleasure.
Rea-Really? Thank you so much.
( rock song playing ) Waiting So long Waiting Till dawn No chance, so forget it Break down, if you let it Could be so far away now Energy take you higher 17, really wired Slow down, don't forget it Burn out, if you let it Could be so far away now ( rock music continues ) ( music slows and stops ) ( phone rings ) Hello? Oh, hi, Amy.
No, he never called.
Listen, I'm sorry about this.
Yeah, I will.
Bye.
Barry, I feel terrible about this.
I blew it.
( heavy sigh ) I can't believe this.
( whimpering ) What do we do now? ( phone rings ) Hello? Yeah, just a moment.
It's for you.
Who is it? Just some guy.
Name of Gus Ryan.
Gus? That That's him? He's on the phone right now? That's him? Right there on the phone? Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh Taket uh, okay ( clears throat ) Hello, Gus.
MOLLY: So, I searched the Internet for my name you know, just to see what would come up and there was this one page.
So, I clicked on it and there was a picture of a gopher.
A gopher?! -Yeah, I guess it was some kid's Web Site and she had a pet gopher, and its name was Molly Hudson.
Is it even legal to domesticate a gopher? I don't Excuse me.
What? You have now officially crossed the line from annoying to creepy as all.
Sorry, Molly, but I'm not going to stop until you hear me out, okay? I'm just not going to stop.
All right.
Fine, talk.
But you've got exactly 30 seconds.
That's right.
Let's see how many married guy clichés Jim Frost can cram into just 30 seconds.
Starting now.
Molly, I can't 26, 25 Let's go.
Come on, Jim.
Come on, you're-you're sorry that you lied to me.
You're going to get a divorce.
You never meant for it to happen like this.
19, 18, 17 I love you.
That's it? That's it? You've got 15 seconds left.
I don't want 15 seconds.
I want the rest of our lives.
Allow me to conclude with a quotation from journalist Gene Fowler.
"The best way to become a successful writer "is to read good writing "remember it and then forget where you remember it from.
" ( scattered laughter ) Thank you, everyone, and good night.
( applause ) ( light piano music plays ) ( sighs ) Here's to Ed Stevens, master negotiator.
What can I tell you, Mikey boy? Ed Stevens plays to win.
You do now.
-That's right, my friend.
When it comes to negotiations you got to be fearless, you got to be unflappable you got to be the toughest guy in the room you know why, Mike? -Why, Ed? You know why, Mike? -Why, Ed? -'Cause nice guys finish last.
Uh-huh.
Hi, guys.
Hey.
-Hey, Carol.
-Ed, I wanted to say thank you.
For what? -Well, for pushing me to show that story to Dennis.
You were so right about it.
It was worth it.
Did you give it to Mr.
Stanley? -Yes, I did.
I did, and Dennis and I It's great.
-Oh.
So, thanks.
-Oh.
You're welcome.
Bye.
So, uh, Ed, what's that you were saying about nice guys? They finish first? No -All right, Mike.
They finish in the middle? -All right, Mike Uh, no, no, no, I know.
They finish last.
That's it.
They finish last.
( piano music continues )
Only one piece of bread.
That's an open-faced sandwich.
I inventedt, I will name it, thank you very much.
( horns blaring ) ( horns blaring, glasses rattling ) Do you know what the deal is with all these trucks lately? Trucks? -Yeah, the ( horns blaring ) I can't take it anymore.
Hey! Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ( horn blaring ) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Hey, where you headed to, son? Where am I headed to? What you really need is one of them cardboard signs got your desired destination written on it.
Right, okay For example, if you wanted to go to Austin, you'd have a sign that said, "Austin.
" I'm not hitchhiking anywhere.
Well, in that case, you don't need a sign at all.
Right.
Exactly.
Right.
But I do have a question.
What's that? Why, all of a sudden is there so much truck traffic through Stuckeyville? B&B Trucking that's who most of us drive for well, uh, they changed our route.
How so? Well, you see, they discovered a little hiccu See, if you get off the highway up there at Exit 4A zip through Stuckeyville and then get back on the highway at Exit 6B, you avoid a toll.
Saves them a ton of money that way.
But it's ruining our lives.
That's not my call.
Hey, I got to roll.
Where there's chaos, there's opportunity, baby.
( horn blaring ) I'm in ( horn blaring ) ( sighs ): hell.
When it's my moment in the sun Oh, how beautiful I'll be But in a normal sort of way Like I am you and you are me.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
Molly? How are you doing? Oh, please, don't go into that mode.
What mode? The heartfelt "Molly, how are you doing?" mode.
You still haven't talked to him, have you? Nope.
He keeps calling and calling but I have the will of Lazarus.
Was Lazarus known for having a particularly strong will? What do you suppose Jim's wife is like? Oh, Mols, like they say on the afternoon talk shows "Don't go there, girlfriend.
" I know, I know, but I'm just so curious.
Well, how about tonight? You want me to come over, we could hang out? You're going into that mode again.
Sorry.
( knocking ) Hi.
Hello, Mr.
Martino.
Hi, um Come on.
Call him Dennis.
Dennis.
You're such a jerk.
I have good news.
Ooh, the students have all had their tongues surgically removed? Not that good.
Robert Stanley has accepted our offer to speak at the alumni banquet.
Hmm.
W-Wow.
Really? Mm-hmm.
( chuckling ) Wow.
So, will you get in touch with his people and organize his travel arrangements? Yes, I-I would be glad to.
Thank you.
MOLLY: Robert Stanley.
Nice going there, Dennis.
Ooh, if she gets to, I get to.
Fair enough.
You know what you should do.
No, what should I do? You should give Robert Stanley one of your short stories to read.
No.
Uh are you kidding me? No, I-I couldn't do that.
He's a big fancy author.
I'm a small unfancy not author.
Come on, Carol, if not now, when? I mean, you have nothing to lose.
No.
No.
No, I-I couldn't even think of it.
No.
( sighs ) 'Kay.
( horns honking ) NANCY: This is ridiculous.
Everywhere you look all day long, all night long: trucks.
It's like Alfred Hicthcock's The Birds, except with trucks.
The Trucks.
Yeah, honey, I got it.
The Trucks.
( chuckling ) Hey, isn't that Amy Rubin? Yeah.
Let's go talk to her.
( horns honking ) Hello, Councilwoman.
Councilwoman? Now, that sounds like trouble, Ed.
All right, "Amy.
" Uh, you know Mike and Nancy Burton and Sarah Burton.
How are you? Hi, Amy.
Good to see you.
So? You want to know what we're doing about the trucks.
Yes, I do.
-We're on it.
We hired a lawyer.
He's dealing with B&B Trucking.
He's trying to get them to stop.
-Good.
Who is it? Barry Gleep.
-Barry Gleep? You've got to be kidding me.
No, I'm not kidding you.
MIKE: We grew up with Barry Gleep.
He was a nice guy but he was always kind of a pushover, wasn't he? I'll say.
-Maybe he's changed.
Has he changed? -No, he hasn't changed.
Barry Gleep is the most incompetent lawyer in the world.
How can you trust some of the most important legal work this town has ever seen to Barry Gleep? It wasn't the council's decision; it was the mayor's.
-Ah, I see.
-What? Barry Gleep is the mayor's godson.
-I'm not confirming that was a factor.
Doesn't the mayor realize that if Barry Gleep screws this up, then Stuckeyville will forever be a truck route.
-There's nothing I can do.
Hey, come on, buddy, give me one! Whoo! ( horn blaring ) ( Mike laughing and hooting ) Something on your mind there, Zippy? Zippy? -Yeah, I thought you needed a nickname.
Zippy sounded good, but now that I hear it Maybe if I was a chimp.
Well, if you were a chimp, I'd call you Bubbles.
Isn't that the name of Michael Jackson's chimp? Yeah, but so what? Bubbles is the ideal name for a chimp.
He can't own that.
Seriously, something on your mind? Um Yeah, I, um Yeah, uh, this is um You want another Coke? Yeah.
Coke.
Two Cokes, please.
I need a favor.
Sure, what do you need? Well, I was thinking, with Robert Stanley coming to town maybe I could get him to read one of my short stories.
Hey, that's a good idea.
Yeah, I'll mention it him.
I don't think he'd have a problem reading it.
Oh, no, no, that's not the favor.
I-I have no problem asking him myself.
Oh.
Then what? Well, you know, I put a lot of stock in your opinions on literature.
I was wondering whether or not you might read my short story and tell me what you thought of it.
Why, it it won't take very much time.
It's a short story.
It has to be short by definition.
It's a bad idea.
Why is it a bad idea? Trust me, I-I'm not the guy for the job.
Why? Why? I want to be a writer you have a lot of smart things to say about writing.
What's the problem? The problem is, um, that I am very, very discerning on the topic of, uh, literature.
Exactly that's why I want you to read the story.
All right, I'll put this a different way: I hate everything.
You hate everything? Everything.
Including Robert Stanley's writing.
How can you hate Robert Stanley's writing? It's a very simple two-step process, really.
First I read it, then I hate it.
Oh.
Carol, my reading your short story's a big mistake.
But there's got to be a little chance that you could like it.
Exactly.
There is a chance.
Then why don't you read it? Because then there will no longer be a chance.
'Cause you'd hate it.
Exactly.
( quietly ): Yeah.
GLEEP: Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
Uh, well, very well.
You see ( clears throat ) the color of the sweater I ordered from you was, uh, Sea Foam and the color of the sweater that you sent me was Sahara Brown.
No, no, I-I'm quite sure, actually.
Uh-huh I guess I could do that.
Okay, all right, then.
Oh.
Uh, you, uh take another look at the order form and I'll take another look at the Sahara Brown.
( chuckles ) I'll call you back.
Very well, then.
Bye-bye.
Barry Gleep.
Ed, how you doing? -Good, good.
So, listen, I hear you're representing Stuckeyville against B&B Trucking.
-Yes, I am.
And, Ed, I think this is the big one.
-Yeah, it sure is a big one.
In case you-you can't, uh, tell it's been a little quiet around here.
Practice is a little wobbly.
But, uh, if I'm the guy who gets rid of the trucks I think my whole life turns around.
-Well, what have you done so far? Hey, I'm all over this.
I called up B&B Trucking.
I laid out all our problems with the traffic.
All of them.
And, uh, oh, I got a meeting with their lead counsel.
Well, that's great.
Good for you, Barry.
Nah, that's good.
That's good.
So, uh, when's the big meeting? Oh, uh three weeks.
-Three weeks? Yeah, he's got to come all e way in from their home office in Oklahoma.
Barry, no.
No, you can't meet with this guy in three weeks.
Traffic is at a standstill.
Businesses are getting clobbered.
You got to get this guy here tomorrow.
-I tried.
He's busy.
He's ( chuckles ) Of course, yeah, he's busy.
Listen, Barry, I bet if we file for an injunction have all his trucks stop immediately he'll suddenly no longer be busy and he'll magically find the time to get here.
-Oh, come on, Ed.
He said he wanted to come but he's totally tied up.
Three weeks was the earliest he could get here.
-Barry call the man on the phone tell him to be here tomorrow or we'll file for that injunction.
-Will you come to the meeting? Me? Why? -You know, help out, make sure I don't screw it up.
I'll tell you what.
Make the call, get the guy here tomorrow I'll come to the meeting.
-Great.
I will make the call.
( horn blaring ) What's going on with the great Robert Stanley? Molly said you're too chicken to give him one of your stories.
-I wanted Dennis to read it first 'cause, you know, he knows a lot about writing.
And? -Well, he didn't want to.
He thought he might not like it.
Oh.
-Mmm.
Hey, wait would you do me a favor and read it? I'd really appreciate it.
No.
-No? Why? Look Carol, you and I have to be careful about something.
What's that? Okay, you go to your closet -Mm-hmm.
-all right and you have two pairs of shoes one comfortable, one not so comfortable because they're new.
Now, you'll be tempted to always wear the comfortable pair of shoes.
But if you always do that you never break in the new pair.
Know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
-Tell Dennis you need him to read your story I'm sure he'll do it if he knows it's important to you.
Guys, it's not just an air freshener.
It's an edible air freshener.
( loud smacking ) Now that's a 10-4 if I ever tasted one, good buddy.
( phone ringing ) ( on answering machine ): Hi, it's Molly.
Leave a message.
( beep ) JIM: Molly, it's me, Jim.
Again.
Look, I know how you feel but I've just got to talk to you.
Okay, I-I know I've screwed up, but Look, you've got to give me a chance to set things right all right, please? Just one chance to talk.
That's all I'm asking.
( beep ) Hello.
Molly.
Stop calling me.
the number of trucks coming through Stuckeyville is very difficult on everyone.
I understand completely.
And I've tried to reason with the guys running the company.
They won't hear it.
Okay.
But, Mr.
Ryan, it's very noisy.
( trucks honking outside ) Barry I know.
And I'm doing everything I can.
But detouring the trucks through Stuckeyville saves B&B over $120.
000 a year.
Right now, things are tight.
They need this to survive.
( horns honking ) Yeah, right.
Well, can't we work out some sort of compromise? I don't know.
Like, uh what if at least the trucks didn't come through on the weekends? Barry! Who is this? I'll tell you who I am.
Excuse me.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It What are you doing? Weekends? I'm opening up a dialogue.
A dialogue? I can handle this.
Just don't screw me up, okay? ( truck horn honks ) Go get 'em.
RYAN: I would love to say yes to the weekends but the guys wouldn't even listen to a proposal like that.
Okay.
Uh, well, what about, uh uh, just Sundays? I mean, Sunday mornings are just really difficult.
You know what? I'm going to try.
I am going to go back and beg them to not have any trucks come through Stuckeyville before 11:00 a.
m.
on Sundays.
Well, I really appreciate that, Mr.
Ryan.
But, hey I can't promise.
Okay.
( horns honking ) He-he's going to try to cut down Sunday mornings, so You heard him.
There was nothing he could do.
Have you lost your mind? This guy's playing you, Barry.
This guy is playing you.
I can't do this.
( anxious sigh ) Why don't you just take over? ( anxious breathing ) No, Barry, I'm not taking over, okay? I'm not taking over.
You are going to do this.
You're going to do this, but listen to me.
All right, from now on, follow my advise to the letter.
That's not a problem.
( knock at door ) Uh, yeah.
Well, just, uh Just, uh, tell us Mr.
Stanley's flight and, uh, we'll arrange it.
Oh, yeah.
Very good.
Bye.
What's up, Spanky? I don't think so.
Well, that's still better than "Zippy", right? It's a tossup.
Well, it's still early.
( clears throat ) So, Dennis Hmm? I've been thinking.
About my reading your story.
Mm-mm.
Come on.
Uh-uh.
Please? No.
Please! Uh-uh.
No.
It's important to me.
Thank you.
( clears throat ) Whoa, whoa, whoa! it, wait! You're not going to read that while I'm standing here, are you? I'm going to go.
( door closes ) Oh, Mr.
Ryan is late.
-Of course he's late.
It's his way of setting a tone that says none of this urgent.
And, by the way, you notice that you keep calling him Mr.
Ryan while he calls you Barry? Yeah.
I guess you're right.
-First rule? Ed, I got it.
-First rule? -Fewer words.
Fewer words.
Exactly.
Now, what are you going to say? Eliminating the trucking on just Sunday mornings is unacceptable.
Perfect.
Perfect.
And then, just sit there as if you'd be happy to sit there until you both die.
Don't speak.
Don't offer any alternatives.
Just sit there.
Keep repeating it.
Yeah.
-Hello, Barry.
Good news.
I talked to the guys.
They are willing to live without Sunday mornings.
Congratulations.
-Uh, Mr.
Ryan, uh, this isn't really working for us.
Uh, it's, uh It's unacceptable.
-What do you mean? Eliminating the trucking on just Sunday mornings is unacceptable.
-Whoa! We're about to dot the "i's" and cross the "t's" here and you're throwing me a major curve ball.
I mean, what are you saying here, Barry? I'm saying that eliminating the trucking on just Sunday mornings is unacceptable.
Gus.
-Okay.
Well, then I guess we have nothing to discuss.
I can still catch a flight back to Oklahoma.
( sighs ) I'll tell you what.
Let me give these guys a try.
Yeah, it's me.
Really? Really? That is fantastic news.
Great.
Thanks.
You won't believe this.
They just got out of their budget meeting.
They found some extra savings.
They have agreed to the whole weekend.
From Friday night at 5:00 to Monday morning at 9:00 no trucks in Stuckeyville.
Congratulations, Barry.
Well, that's-that's great news.
I'll get you the paperwork by tomorrow.
Take care.
( laughing ): He folded like a cheap card table.
That that was a fake phone call, my friend.
( laughs ) Hey, seriously, how was I? You were great.
Oh, hey, did you hear me throw in the "Gus?" Yep.
Ed, Ed, oh, Ed.
I can't thank you enough.
Oh! Yeah.
One problem.
-What's that? -You can't take that deal.
It's not good enough.
See you tomorrow.
What, what, what? Wait! Ed, wait, wait! Wait! Ed! Ed! Wait, wait, wait wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you talking about "not take the deal"? The guy went from early Sunday mornings to the entire weekend.
It's not good enough.
-You're crazy! -I'm taking it, Ed.
The mayor said it was my call and I'm taking it.
Listen to me.
Before this happened we barely had a truck going through Stuckeyville.
Now you want to settle for Monday through Friday? If we don't settle and we go to court, we could lose.
We could have trucks here seven days a week, and I'll be the guy who let that happen! But if we go to court, and they lose we eliminate all the trucks.
The ones we had before this; the ones that have to go through Stuckeyville won't be able to.
They have as much at risk as we do.
Yeah, but if we go to court who wins? I don't know.
We just have to hope they don't let it go to court.
No I'm sorry, Ed I'm taking the deal.
And you don't understand.
I'm not going to let you take this deal.
If you don't agree to not take this deal I will go to Amy Rubin, and I will have you removed.
No.
I know you.
You wouldn't do that.
I'm taking the deal.
-Barry Barry! Hi! Come in.
Have a seat.
Um you know, I was thinking about you reading my short story.
And you know what? I think you probably shouldn't.
I already did.
-I know, but let's-let's pretend that you didn't.
But I did.
-No, you didn't.
No.
You didn't.
Okay? So, tonight, you know what? We should rent Mrs.
Doubtfire.
I love Robin Williams -Carol, I read your story.
-And? Well -You hated it.
You hated it 'cause you hate everything.
That's fine.
Let's leave it at that.
-No, I didn't hate it.
What? -Well, uh it was it was kind of, um I-I thought there was I thought there was a lot of good stuff in here.
Uh, it-it, uh, just I guess, uh Just say it, Dennis.
Uh, okay.
I hated it.
Really? You hated it? That's good.
That's good.
That's good.
What ( clears throat ) What in particular did you hate? -I just Carol, look, what do I know? No, tell me, Dennis.
I want to learn.
You can help me.
Okay.
Well, I guess, uh, then that the characters weren't as, uh sharply defined as maybe they could have been.
You know what? That's a good note.
It's good.
The characters.
All right.
Okay.
Which characters in particular? Um well, I guess, uh, the sister.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And the mother.
Uh-huh.
You know, Carol, this really isn't constructive.
Yes, it is.
It is.
It is.
Look we are two adults.
Don't you think I deserve the benefit of your honest, unvarnished opinion, hmm? I can handle it.
Come on.
Give it to me.
Okay.
Okay.
Uh, okay, the plot Uh, I found the plot to be, uh, cliched and a little I don't know, I guess dull.
Uh, the language I found to be precious and-and forced and overeager to please.
And-and the writing style.
I mean, to tell you the truth I would be hard pressed to say that there was an actual particular writing style.
I mean, the thing never evolves into a whole.
But, like I said, I-I really think that there is some good stuff in here.
Wow! Wow.
I'm sorry.
No.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thanks.
I told you this was a bad idea.
No.
No.
It I'm totally okay with this.
Okay.
Uh we still on for Mrs.
Doubtfire? You bet.
( sighs ) ( knocking ) Ed, a woman from tribal council is here to see you.
Oh, hi, Amy.
Please.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
I was just heading out.
See you, Mike.
Please.
You got to get rid of Barry Gleep.
I'm not so sure, Ed.
I know all about the deal, and I think this may be the best thing we can do.
I don't think so.
If we go to court, who wins? I don't know.
I just have a feeling about this Trucks seven days a week will cripple us.
If it's just weekdays I think we could survive.
Amy, I have a feeling about this I think we can do better.
I don't know.
I think when push comes to shove these people will back down.
If you lose this my political career is over.
But if I win If you lose you're the guy on the line.
Not Barry anymore.
I know.
Okay.
I'll talk to the mayor.
Thank you.
I won't lose.
You talking to me or you? He tore it apart.
You know, sometimes, with criticism the negatives outweigh the positives.
Yeah.
Ed, there were no positives.
No positives? None.
None at all? Not even a token positive like, "Nice font.
Way to go with the Times New Roman"? Ed, he hated everything about it.
It was as if I said, "Sweetie "here, look at my innermost thoughts and feelings.
" ( lower voice ): "I've gazed upon them and I find them worthless.
" You call Dennis "sweetie"? Ed Do you? No.
If you're going to pursue this writing thing you're probably going to have to develop a bit of a thicker skin.
That's easy for you to say.
Do not let this get in your way.
You've got a big opportunity with Stanley.
Oh, if you think I'm ever going to let another human being lay eyes on a single word of that story You've got to.
Nope.
It's the only way to move forward.
Uh-uh.
Paul tells us that we are to love our wives and children as Christ loved the church.
Have you ever thought about how much God really loves you? What's going on? Shh.
What is this? It's our truck stop chapel.
You have got to be kidding me.
Bosco, truckers don't live on gas, grass, and alone.
They need spiritual sustenance to keep rolling down life's lonely highway.
Clear out my office now.
I'm making a mint these guys.
Which would be terrific, Ph if their trucking company weren't ruining our town.
What greater gift All right.
That concludes our service.
But you'll never forget the fun we had thanks to your very own Jesus travel mug.
That's right, Jesus himself could not have designed a better spill-proof sipping lid.
Now.
So, unchain your wallets and follow me to the shoe counter.
( clearing throat ) Ed.
Hey, Barry.
Please, step into my well, chapel.
I'm sorry.
So, you really did it, huh? You, you went to the town council.
I told you I would.
Look, Barry, I want you to know it wasn't easy for me but, business is business.
Unless you happen to be the mayor's godson.
What do you mean? They didn't fire me.
They didn't? Mayor Kendricks wouldn't go for it.
He insisted they keep me on the case.
Has Kendricks seen that deal you want to make? Doesn't he know what it will do to Stuckeyville? I don't know if he does.
But I do.
I want to reject the deal.
Are you serious? Oh, if you are wrong about this, I am dead.
Barry Let's go to work.
Is this Kris Kristofferson? Molly.
Molly, please we have to talk.
No.
-It's just five minutes.
-Go away.
But, I have to -Get out of this school right now or my hand to God, I will kick your right here in front of the AV squad.
( bell ringing ) ( horn blaring ) How you feeling, my man? -A little nervous.
A little nervous.
Ah, you're going to be fine.
You just got to walk in there and tell Ryan what's what I'll be right behind you.
Behind me oh, that's good.
That way you can catch me when I pass out.
Barry, you can handle this.
-You're right.
You're right.
Ryan and I are both rational people.
We'll just put our heads together and work something out.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you won't.
-What? -You're not going to get this done by being rational.
Why not? -It's irrational to be rational.
It's actually more rational to be irrational.
-Please talk normal.
All right case in point; here's an example.
Say you and I were two rational guys.
We've both got loaded guns.
We're pointing them at one another and I say, "Give me your wallet.
" You don't want to, so, you being rational what would you say? I'd say, "You can't shoot me "because then I'd shoot you back "and we'd both be dead so, no, you can't have my wallet.
" But what if instead of good old rational Ed Stevens what if instead I'm a raving psycho lunatic? I'm waving the gun around, I'm screaming nonsense.
I'm hooting, hollering "Give me your wallet!" What do you say? I-I'd give you my wallet.
-Why? Because I can't trust you to do the smart thing and protect yourself.
Yes.
Yes.
So, because I'm irrational, I get your wallet.
Sometimes it's more rational to be irrational.
Huh.
Hey, listen, uh, Barry, why don't you go to the drugstore and get us a couple of pre-negotiation sodas? I'll be right with you.
Okay.
( bells jingling ) Hey, Dennis.
-Hey, Ed.
What's up? -May I? -Yeah, sure, sit down.
Listen, um -Want the sports? -No, I'm good.
Front page? -No, I'm fine.
I'd offer you the word jumble, but I solved it already: "Rutabaga.
" Right.
Actually, I wanted to, uh, talk to you about something.
-What's that? It's about Carol Vessey.
About that story she wrote.
Yeah.
Your review kind of knocked the wind out of her.
Yeah, I'm, I'm aware of that.
Dennis, I know you're in a tough position, and, uh this may not be any of my business.
I think she should give that story to that Robert Stanley guy.
Not that anything might come of it.
I don't know.
I just think it's important that she take that first step and she won't unless she gets some encouragement from you.
You and Carol are pretty close, huh? Yeah.
But, you two never, uh I-I'm sorry; I don't mean to pry.
No, no, it's fine.
We never never went out.
I just find it interesting, that's all.
You don't see too many, uh, genuine friendships between men and women, especially beautiful women.
You know, the guys always want to Yeah.
But you guys are the real thing.
I know I've never had a friendship like that.
I don't think I really could.
Uh, I got to go.
See you, Dennis.
See you.
Yeah, see you.
( bells jingling ) WOMAN: Mr.
Ryan is here to see you.
Send him in.
( sharp exhale ) How you boys doing? Barry, got your fax.
Everything looks terrific and you've got some papers to sign.
( door shuts ) Barry talk to me, buddy.
Well, I've got the, uh I've got the, uh, papers right here.
But, I-I'm not going to sign them.
I'm, I'm taking back the offer.
What? Yeah, I-I-I've decided I'm not comfortable with the terms of the, uh, the deal.
You're not comfortable.
What is this, open mike night at Yuk-Yuk's? You're joking, right? You're going to have B&B Trucking restore the traffic to its normal level.
Why would I possibly agree to do that? Uh, because if you don't I'm going to take you to court.
And, uh, when I'm through well, those trucks won't be able to come within 50 miles of this town.
And how's your client going to feel about that? Gleep, we both know you're not taking me to court.
I will mop the floor with you.
This town will be deep in trucks and everybody will know it's your fault.
I will end your career my little friend.
I don't care.
What? I don't care.
I-I-I, I want to go to court.
Yeah, I got, uh, I got nothing to lose.
You have everything to lose.
-Okay, yeah, right, well so what? Bring it on.
Yeah, uh, you know what I'm going to do if I lose this case? I, uh-uh, I'm going to, uh, throw a party.
That's right, I'll throw a, a giant, four-star whoop-dee-do.
And then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give up this pathetic law practice and I'm going to take my to Hawaii.
That's right Hawaii.
You know, grass skirts and volcanoes and, and roast pig and, and snorkeling.
That's right, snorkeling.
I'll snorkel myself silly.
Yeah, see, I don't need any of this! Look, calm down, okay? -You have until 8:00 tonight to accept my offer.
If we don't hear from you by 8:00 P.
M.
sharp I'm taking you to court.
Win, lose I don't care.
Yabba dabba doo! There's just no talking to him when he gets like this.
Excuse me.
"Yabba dabba doo"? I needed a big closer.
It was the first thing that popped into my head.
I'm telling you, Mik Truly, this is one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my entire life Barry's going crazy.
No Gus Ryan's just sitting there, like he's been hit in the head with a brick.
GLEEP: It's not going to work.
He's going to call our bluff.
He's going to take us to court.
I don't think so.
You better be right.
-Well, Barry, I've got something to take your mind off your troubles.
-What's that? -Ed? -Yeah? Ten bucks to order a brandy Wait, wait, wait.
You guys still do those $10 bets? Occasionally, yeah.
That's all you got? Order a brandy, that's it? You have to say the word "brandy" 20 times.
Excuse me? Frank? -Yeah.
( Ed clears his throat ) Yeah, um, could I get a brandy brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy with a twist? ( truck passing ) DENNIS: Hey.
-Oh, hey.
I was wondering if you would take the time to read something I wrote.
Something you wrote? What's the deal, Dennis? -Just play along, please.
Okay.
( clears throat ) "'My Life as a Critic' by Dennis Martino.
"I thought Raiders of the Lost Ark "would be an embarrassing box office flop.
I thought the Wendy's fast food chain would fail" Couldn't see people going for those square burgers.
Hmm.
"I thought Aquaman would eventually become more popular than Superman" Really?! He just seemed more relatable.
"I thought the most successful Saturday Night Live alum would be Tim Kazurinsky" Who's Tim Kazurinsky? Well, that's quite a track record you got there, Dennis.
Look, I'm glad you value my opinions but I just want to make sure you put them in the proper context.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
( horns honking ) PHIL ( over megaphone ): Attention, truck drivers.
If you move your trucks I will give you a 50% discount on fuzzy dice.
( honking continues ) Act now, this will not last.
Bosco, these guys will not move their trucks.
Nobody can get in or out.
They're squeezing the life out of us.
My God, I knew it.
We are so screwed.
This is horrible.
What are we going to do? Nothing.
They'll call by 8:00.
What are you? Crazy? They're trying to intimidate us.
There's no reason to do that unless they're afraid to go to court.
Ryan just blinked.
Come on, guys.
( horns honking ) Come on! Mr.
Stanley.
Hi.
Can I get you anything? Um, just a glass of water, please.
( whispers ): Great.
By the way, I have written an incredibly boring speech for tonight.
Hope that's not a problem.
No, that-that works for me.
Um, Mr.
Stanley I'm-I'm sure you get bothered with this all the time but would you consider reading something that I wrote? It would be a pleasure.
Rea-Really? Thank you so much.
( rock song playing ) Waiting So long Waiting Till dawn No chance, so forget it Break down, if you let it Could be so far away now Energy take you higher 17, really wired Slow down, don't forget it Burn out, if you let it Could be so far away now ( rock music continues ) ( music slows and stops ) ( phone rings ) Hello? Oh, hi, Amy.
No, he never called.
Listen, I'm sorry about this.
Yeah, I will.
Bye.
Barry, I feel terrible about this.
I blew it.
( heavy sigh ) I can't believe this.
( whimpering ) What do we do now? ( phone rings ) Hello? Yeah, just a moment.
It's for you.
Who is it? Just some guy.
Name of Gus Ryan.
Gus? That That's him? He's on the phone right now? That's him? Right there on the phone? Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh Taket uh, okay ( clears throat ) Hello, Gus.
MOLLY: So, I searched the Internet for my name you know, just to see what would come up and there was this one page.
So, I clicked on it and there was a picture of a gopher.
A gopher?! -Yeah, I guess it was some kid's Web Site and she had a pet gopher, and its name was Molly Hudson.
Is it even legal to domesticate a gopher? I don't Excuse me.
What? You have now officially crossed the line from annoying to creepy as all.
Sorry, Molly, but I'm not going to stop until you hear me out, okay? I'm just not going to stop.
All right.
Fine, talk.
But you've got exactly 30 seconds.
That's right.
Let's see how many married guy clichés Jim Frost can cram into just 30 seconds.
Starting now.
Molly, I can't 26, 25 Let's go.
Come on, Jim.
Come on, you're-you're sorry that you lied to me.
You're going to get a divorce.
You never meant for it to happen like this.
19, 18, 17 I love you.
That's it? That's it? You've got 15 seconds left.
I don't want 15 seconds.
I want the rest of our lives.
Allow me to conclude with a quotation from journalist Gene Fowler.
"The best way to become a successful writer "is to read good writing "remember it and then forget where you remember it from.
" ( scattered laughter ) Thank you, everyone, and good night.
( applause ) ( light piano music plays ) ( sighs ) Here's to Ed Stevens, master negotiator.
What can I tell you, Mikey boy? Ed Stevens plays to win.
You do now.
-That's right, my friend.
When it comes to negotiations you got to be fearless, you got to be unflappable you got to be the toughest guy in the room you know why, Mike? -Why, Ed? You know why, Mike? -Why, Ed? -'Cause nice guys finish last.
Uh-huh.
Hi, guys.
Hey.
-Hey, Carol.
-Ed, I wanted to say thank you.
For what? -Well, for pushing me to show that story to Dennis.
You were so right about it.
It was worth it.
Did you give it to Mr.
Stanley? -Yes, I did.
I did, and Dennis and I It's great.
-Oh.
So, thanks.
-Oh.
You're welcome.
Bye.
So, uh, Ed, what's that you were saying about nice guys? They finish first? No -All right, Mike.
They finish in the middle? -All right, Mike Uh, no, no, no, I know.
They finish last.
That's it.
They finish last.
( piano music continues )