Gary Unmarried (2008) s02e15 Episode Script

Hi, Gary.
Hi Dad.
Hi sweetie.
Oh, wow.
Reading the newspaper.
I'm impressed.
I'm just seeing what's on TV.
Oh, my gosh.
Jon Cryer documentary.
"from duckie to emmy.
" Hmm.
Uh, listen, Gary, we have to talk to Louise, But first we have to deal with Tom, Who, if he would stop pouting in the car, Would come out and tell you what happened.
Uh, Louise, would you get daddy a beer, please? Yeah, sure.
Gary, do you really think it's a good idea To have Louise get your drinks for you? Yes.
Um, I used to get them myself.
This way, I don't have to get them myself.
It's totally bogus.
Take it easy, man.
What's goin' on? Well, I tried out for the Lakeside wrestling club.
Lakeside wrestling? Hey, just like your old man, huh? Yeah.
All right.
How'd it go? I'll tell you how it went.
Ok, I wrestled the coach's son, And I totally pinned him, but then I got cut, And he had a spot on the team.
Well, that doesn't make any sense.
If you pin, you're in.
That's how it's always worked.
Who's the coach over there? Uh, Joe Campbell.
You remember him from high school? Soup? I remember soup Campbell.
I'm pretty sure he likes to be called Joe now.
Ah, well, that's too bad for soup, Because unfortunately in the real world, You don't outrun a perfectly good nickname Just 'cause you wanna go back to your real name.
Works both ways, too.
I went to school with a kid named Wang Chin.
He begged for a nickname.
Yeah.
Well, I totally pinned him, and it's not fair.
Don't worry.
I'll talk to soup Campbell.
He owes me a favor.
We wrestled together in high school.
Let's just say, uh, I did him a solid, ok? You do your homework.
I'll straighten it out.
All right? Here, daddy.
Ah, daddy's little girl.
Look at that.
I hope you're happy when Louise decides To tend bar at Dublin's Pub.
Are you-- is that someth-- Is that something she's shown interest in? No.
No.
Man.
On that note, Louise, I'm gonna Show your father your history test.
Ohh.
Wait.
You got a "d" on your history test? You're the smartest kid in the class.
I don't know how it happened, But it was bound to eventually, Just like when you say Tom is due to get an "A" someday.
Law of averages, right? It's what we're all countin' on.
Here.
Look, uh, honey, it's-- It's unfamiliar territory, But I guess we're supposed to impose Some--some kind of a punishment, right? But how do you punish Louise? Take away her books? Make her play? Hey, Tommy, if you came home with a "D," How would we punish you? Uh, probably somewhere in the area Of no video games, phone, tv until my grades improve.
But that depends on how much sass I'm dishin' your way.
Uh, ok, Louise, So you're gonna get the Tom special.
Uh, you can dish a little sass, Because that comes with the package.
[sighs.]
that sounds very appropriate.
Thank you.
Ok Something is going on with her.
I'm really worried.
I don't know.
Drugs? Pot? I shouldn't.
Uh-uh.
Hey, soup.
Hey, guy, name's Joe.
No one's called me soup since--well, well.
Gary Brooks.
How you been, man? Me? Not bad.
Not bad.
You got your own sports radio show.
Yes, I do.
Dream come true.
You listen to it? Yeah, really not my thing.
I'm all about coaching here And holdin' down the fort at Valencia Public Storage.
You lookin' to streamline? I can put you in a 10-by-12 for 75 bucks a month, And that's climate controlled.
I'm divorced, soup.
I, uh--I own nothing.
I came by to talk to you About my son Tommy, Tommy Brooks.
He said he tried out for the wrestling team.
I was wondering what happened.
Yeah.
I want you to know I did everything I could for him.
It broke my heart to see him fail.
Uh, fail.
That's-- that's the thing.
He--he said he pinned your son.
Heh heh heh heh.
Pin's an exaggeration.
It's more like he held him down for 3 seconds.
However you want to explain it, soup, My son beat your kid.
He deserves to be on the team, you know? Yeah, I just felt in the long run, My son donny has more potential.
All right, for the sake of argument, Let's not go by your feelings and go with maybe-- I don't know--logic.
My son beat your son.
He deserves to be on the team.
Sorry.
12 spots, one broken heart.
Tough nuts, huh? I didn't wanna bring this up, soup, But, uh--ahem.
You owe me.
How do I owe you? Senior year, I let you beat me So you can come to states With the rest of us, remember? You're crazy.
I straight-up beat your ass.
What?! I let you win.
You begged me.
Y-you said your dad would kick your ass If you didn't get to state.
Sorry.
I don't remember it that way.
I guess we just agree to disagree.
Uh, yeah.
No.
No.
We--we don't.
We don't agree to disagree.
I completely threw that match for you.
If we wrestled in real life, You wouldn't score one point against me.
You know it.
My son Tommy deserves to be on the team.
He beat your kid.
Well, he didn't beat him enough to make the team.
I'm sorry.
Donny's just a better wrestler.
Dad.
I'm tired.
Can I go home and watch tv now? That depends.
How many'd you do? You did 3 push-ups? Candy bars.
You "did" Get out of here.
Don't come back Until you've done It's not fair.
I hate wrestling.
Look, this is ridiculous.
My son beat your son.
He deserves to be on the team.
You're not gonna get away with this, soup.
Wait.
We have soup? You know why he's doin' this, right? Because every time he looks at you or Tommy, It's gonna remind him of that moment in his life when it counted most And he couldn't get it done.
He's feeling shame, man.
Well, you know how I feel about shame, Curtis.
I think as soon as something happens in your life, You just let it go, forget about it Like it never even happened.
You're on.
I wanted to talk about something That happened I let this guy win a wrestling match 'cause I was being nice, and now he resents me for it, So he's taking it out on my son.
'cause I was being so we're talkingw he about unfairme for it, Coaching practices in children's sports.
Who's got a take? Let's hear it.
We got Aaron in Chino.
Aaron, you are on the air.
What do you got for me? Yeah, a similar thing happened to my kid in little league Because I stole the coach's wife.
You know who gets hurt? The kids do.
Yeah, that's exactly right, Aaron.
Except in my case, where the coach got hurt When I showed up to the game with a tire iron-- Ok, thank you, Aaron.
All right, let'so to another call.
We have s.
C.
In-- what is this? Wine country? Soup: Yeah, as in stop whining about your kid when he doesn't make the cut.
Well, well, well.
Looks like we got soup Campbelll on the line, Aka the weasel who blackballed my son From makin' the wrestling team, even though I let him Beat me in high school so his sorry rear end Could go to state with the rest of us.
I thought you didn't listen to my show, soup.
I'm sick of you claiming you let me win.
Not only did I beat you then.
I'd be glad to give you another beating now.
Soup, as much as I'd love to drive your face into the mat, I hate to break it to you, but I'm a grown man now, ok? A grown man now would strap on his singlet and dance.
What am I supposed to do with this guy? The man is callin' you out.
You can't host a sports show And then back down when someone steps to you.
Soup: What's it gonna be, Brooks? You gonna sac up? You gonna change the name of your show To "the score with fairy Brooks"? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Timeout, soup.
You callin' me a fairy? Hey, if the wings fit and the wand's tiny Ok, soup, you wanna go, we'll go.
But after I pin your ass, My son Tommy is on that wrestling team.
You follow me? You got it.
Bring your "a" game, 'cause this soup's about to boil over.
Good! I hope it does boil over, 'cause I'm gonna bring the spoon, And I'm gonna eat you like you're The most tastiest soup that ever existed.
Ok, Louise, there was a famous division Between the north and the south In the civil war called the No clue.
Uh, Mason Mason-dix Mason-dixie chicks.
No! Louise, no.
I-- I don't get it.
You--you're a straight-a student in every other subject.
Mom, maybe we just found the one thing I'm not good at.
Maybe we all need to accept the fact that I'm not the perfect kid.
No.
Louise, you are the perfect child since the day you were born.
Your head was shaped like an oval, And you pointed your toes on the way out.
Hey, is Tom home? Uh, no, not yet.
Honey, could you Excuse us just for a second? Yeah, sure.
[sighs.]
ok, something is happening with her.
I mean, she doesn't know her history, But I--I actually think she's just pretending.
Why do you think everybody has an agenda? Maybe she doesn't know her stuff.
Not everyone's workin' an angle, Like, uh, the salesgirl at Victoria Secret That you said was trying to hit on you 'cause she liked the way your bra fit.
Ok, I'm sorry.
I didn't imagine that, Gary, ok? She slipped a wine cooler in my dressing room And told me that my bra would look better on the floor of her Miata, ok? Look, Louise, she knows the stuff, But she's faking it, and I don't know why.
I don't know.
Maybe she's, uh, tired of the pressure Of trying to be perfect all the time.
I--I know the feeling.
I'd love a day off.
I'd love to see a day on, gar.
Hey, thanks a lot, dad.
You completely humiliated me at school.
Wait.
Honey, hang on.
What's wrong? What happened? Dad went on the radio show and said he would wrestle my coach And if he wins, that I get a spot on the team.
Now everyone at school's saying the only way I can get in Is if my dad fights my battles for me.
This is a good thing, Tommy.
I beat your coach, I settle an old score, Plus you get on the team.
It's a win-win.
I'm just tryin' to help you out.
Yeah, well, I don't want your help.
If you fighting my battles is the only way I can get in, I don't wanna be on at all.
Whoa.
What's up with that guy? He was full of thank-yous When I helped him pull his head out of that pumpkin.
Ok.
Look, I know this is the last thing you wanna hear right now, But I think you have to back down from this fight, Gary.
Tom's feelings are what's important here.
I can't back down, allison.
I'll totally lose my rep.
I can't lose my rep.
Gary, I know backing down is the hardest thing in the world for you.
Oh, you're dead wrong, And I'll never admit to that.
All right, I'll back down.
All right.
I'll go talk to soup.
I'll take care of it.
Good.
Good.
You're doing the right thing, and you're a good father, Gary.
By the way, how did, uh, Tom's head end up in a pumpkin in the first place? Ha! I dared him.
Hey, soup, we gotta talk.
What do you want, Brooks? All right.
You here to beg for mercy? No.
I'm here to back out of the match for my son's sake, ok? Oh, that's so touching.
I think I just lactated myself.
All right, knock it off.
Here's the thing.
I know every single resentment you have about high school A-and me, you're taking it out on my son.
It's not ok.
I'm gonna go on the air.
I'm gonna tell all my listeners That I'm backin' out of the match, And I'll take whatever repercussions come with it, As long as you let my son try out for the team fair and square, ok? All right, I'll do that.
As long as you announce to all your fans That not only are you a quitter, you're a liar.
You tell 'em I won that match in high school fair and square.
But you didn't.
Duh.
That's why I want you to say it.
Fine.
I'll do it.
Ok.
I'll give Tom another tryout, But this time, it's not gonna be against my load of a son.
He's gotta beat the best wrestler in his weight class.
All right.
It's a deal.
Oh, uh, hey, soup Remember junior year, we had that crazy outbreak of jock itch? The one that kept us out of divisionals.
You know who that started with? Who? Your mom.
Gary: Look, there comes a time in every man's life Where he has to bite the bullet and he just has to admit That he's been wrong about something for years.
This better be about me.
I said on the radio that I let soup Campbell Win a wrestling match against me in 1988.
The truth is soup Campbell beat me, Gary Brooks, Fair and square.
Wow.
I can't believe how well he's handling this.
So the match is off, Because I am both a liar and a quitter.
[no audio.]
Daniel, don't chicken out on me now.
Liar and a quitter.
If you lock in a "c" and I manage a "d," Everything will go according to plan.
Do I have your word? Good.
Did you see "Jersey Shore" last night? Snooki is a hot mess.
Ok.
Gotta go.
Bye.
Hi, Louise.
Oh, hi, mom.
I'm gonna go do my homework.
No, no.
No, you're not.
Listen, um I need some help with some U.
S.
History questions, So, uh, can you sit? Yeah.
Um, so Lewis and Clark, They died in the Alamo, right? Uh, I--I think so.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you know George Washington, When he freed the slaves, Was that before or after he invented the light bulb? Um, I- couldn't tell you one way or the other.
Hmm.
Ok.
Hey, you--you know who was a pretty good president? Nixon.
Yeah, if you like a leader who escalated a questionable war By launching an offensive into Cambodia After winning the election on a secret plan to end that very war.
But you might be right.
Oh, gosh! Come on, Louise.
I know you know your history.
Why are you pretending you don't? We're trying to help our friend Marjorie.
Our class is on a curve, and some of our grades Are so high that she might fail and get held back.
Honey, you're a good friend, Ok, but you can't let your grades suffer.
If you wanna help her, Why don't you offer to tutor her after school? That's not going to be enough.
She's a terrible test taker.
You know what? That's the only way I'm gonna let you help her.
Ok? She's gonna have the same problems next year.
What are you gna do, tank your tests again? Uh, no way.
Next year, colleges start looking at transcripts.
I'm going to drop her like a hot rock.
Oh.
Good.
All right, so let me teach you some takedowns, ok? Hey, dad, if I wanna get on the wrestling team, I wanna do it myself.
Ok, but you gotta be prepared, 'cause you don't know what I went through to-- You're gonna make the team.
You just gotta win.
Let me show you some takedowns, show you some moves, Show you what it's lik to be real man.
Be a real man.
Ok.
Curtis, get down on your hands and knees.
You Just a reminder.
We have to see each other at work on Monday.
Ok? Just help me out here.
I'm gonna show my son some moves.
All right, son, the key to establishing dominance in a match Is you gotta really ride your man.
Ride him good, all right? Control his hips.
Make sure you're the boss of his hips.
You stay back behind his bottom, where you can control everything.
Don't be afraid to throw the cross-face.
Really get it in there.
You can feel his lips right up against your skin.
Take your knuckles.
Dig it into his hips.
Aah! Come on! Hey! Man, I might wanna have kids someday.
All right.
Wait.
You're gonna have kids with your hips? Yeah, man.
I--I need my hips To do the thing to get the kid.
All right.
All right, get up.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's just go over what we learned, ok? Yeah, I got it, dad.
Hand control, stay off my back, And if I'm doin' the fireman's carry, Don't be afraid to shoot the crotch.
You gotta shoot the crotch, right? Bump, bump.
Both: Shoot the crotch! You gotta shoot it in there.
Go do some homework or somethin', ok? He doesn't understand.
It's killin' me That I had to backut of that match with--with soup.
It's makin' me nuts.
Yeah, but you don't want Tom to win for you.
You want Tom to win for him.
I understand that, But let me tell you somethin'.
I would love a piece of that soup guy.
I would love a piece of that soup guy.
I know.
I know.
All right.
See you later.
Thanks for helping out.
No problem, brother.
Hey, just for the record, When my hand slipped off your hip, I was goin' for your ankle.
We don't need to talk about it.
It just-- it never happened.
All right, son, don't forget that fireman's carry.
Shoot the crotch, ok? Ok, yeah.
'cause whenever you're in there, keep your back straight.
Shoot the crotch.
Ok.
Just shoot it right up there, all right? Allison, why don't you come on over here and help us out? Hasn't my crotch done enough for this family? Uh, honey, uh, no pressure, But here comes a very pretty girl.
Hey.
I'm Jessica.
Are you wrestling next? Uh, yeah.
I'm Tom.
Are you, uh-- you gonna watch? Yeah, I got a really good seat, on top of you In the middle of the mat.
Oh.
Well, that sounds awesome, But I gotta wrestle someone first.
Um, honey, I think you're wrestling her.
Oh, god.
Dad, I'm wrestling a girl? Ok, you didn't train me for this.
How am I supposed to shoot the crotch, all right? In health class, They told me to ask permission before I shoot the crotch.
Soup, what the heck's goin' on here? You tryin' to embarrass my kid or what? You said you wanted him to do it on his own, So I put him up against the best wrestler on the team.
That's Jessica.
But now that I think about it, If he loses to a girl, that'd be pretty embarrassing.
Oops.
All right, Tommy, big deal.
You're wrestling a girl.
Just one thing.
Don't let it get in the way, ok? Ok, dad, I don't know how much you know about girls, But there's more than a few things that can get in the way.
All right, shake hands.
And wrestle.
Gary: Easy.
Easy, guys.
All right, shoot it, Tommy! Shoot! Ok! Take it.
But be a gentleman, honey.
Ow.
Ow.
You're hurting me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I'm sorry.
Oh, god! No! [blows whistle.]
Winner! No! Uh, honey, honey, Uh, why don't we get some sweatpants on you? I think Jessica realizes how much You enjoyed the match.
There you go.
That didn't take long.
Ah, I'm sorry, dad.
I know how much You humiliated yourself for me to get this shot.
Plus I, uh--I totally got to second base without even touching first.
You know what I mean? Don't worry about it, Tommy.
Some people just don't know how to play fair, ok? All right, you be a good sport.
You go over there and shake Jessica's hand, ok? For what it's worth, Gary, um, I'm proud of you.
Proud of me for what? No matter what I did, I couldn't help Tommy.
Look, you know what? You did.
You let him know that it's ok for a man To swallow his pride when someone else's feelings are on the line.
I mean, that's a much bigger deal Than getting on any team, Gary.
Besides, look.
He doesn't look like he's suffering too much.
Hey, uh, dad, Jessica just told me About this ballroom dancing class she takes after school, And she wants me to be her partner.
Oh, instead of wrestling? Yeah.
Well, I mean, ballroom dancing with Jessica Sounds like a lot more fun than holding some sweaty guy between my thighs.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Another Brooks gets pinned.
The dynasty of failure continues.
Heh heh.
Ok, soup.
That's terrific.
Look, Tommy, if it's all right with you And if your mom doesn't think I'm setting a bad example, I think I'd like to really Kick soup Campbell's ass on this mat once and for all.
I'm good.
Go for it.
Let's go, soup.
You and me right now.
I'm havin' soup for dinner.
Dad, can we have soup for dinner? Shut up, donny.
All right, I got You on top or me on top? I'll start on bottom.
All right.
I figure you could use all the help you can get.
Do us a favor, allison.
Count us in.
Uh, 1, 2, 3.
Wrestle.
Ohh! Ow! I think you broke my ribs! Oh, really? No, not really.
Yes.
Ha! How's that feel, soup? Not so good.
I think I fell on my keys.
Gah! You ready to give up? Are you kidding me? I got you right where I want you.
I think you sat in some gum.
That's not my ass, soup.
That's yours.
You think I'm letting go, you're high.
I will die on this mat.
You will be pinning my corpse.
[cell phone rings.]
Ah, that's my phone.
Do you mind? Nah, I don't mind.
Wh-where is it? Right here? Wait.
No funny business.
Ok.
Joe Campbell's phone.
Oh, hi, Robin.
[whispering.]
it's your wife.
[whispering.]
tell her I'm not here.
Ok.
Uh, Robin, Joe stepped out for a minute.
It's Gary Brooks.
I'm good.
Thanks.
Uh, can I take a message, though? Pick up, uh, skim milk and eggs And remind him to take his lipitor.
You got it.
Bye, Robin.
Don't forget to take your Lipitor.
Cholesterol? Yeah.
Ah, they think it's genetic, But what do they know? Doctors, right? Yeah.
Uh, they're closin' up.
How long have we been here? I don't know.
I'm starvin'.
You wanna order a pizza or something? Aw, I can't.
The cheese.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Don't let it stop you, though.
If you get me a salad, I'll be fine.
Salad? I'd rather have the pizza.