Grounded For Life (2001) s02e15 Episode Script

This is so romantic.
Yeah, it's OK.
Come on, baby, it's just you and me and 100 10th graders.
Are we really old enough to be chaperones? God, doesn't it seem like yesterday that we were here for our dance? That was romantic.
And I want you to show me I want to feel what love is Oh, yeah.
And I know you can show me Oh, baby-- Yeah, lover? I think I'm gonna hurf.
[Burps.]
You OK? Yeah! Cool.
Yeah, I'm good.
And I don't know if I can face it again Oh, can't stop now Both: I've traveled too far to change this Sister Helen! Oh, that's not ours.
Both: and I want you to show me It's foreigner, man.
Foreigner.
Lily: I'm telling the truth! Father, chill out! Oh, oh! I didn't do it! I didn't do it! You think she did it? Probably.
Mommy! You were magnificent back there.
Look, just shut up and get me some food.
Anything for you, dad.
You're my man.
I am not your man! And I'd appreciate it if you'd stop treating me like I'm your man.
You're my man.
Is this an "R" rated movie? Oh, no, it's just got violence, adult language, and strong sexual content.
And your parents let you watch this? They're chaperoning Lily's dance.
It's going off.
But it's Mickey Rourke.
Off! Grandpa, do you have an incinerator down at the dump? Yeah.
Good.
Can you please burn all of my school uniforms? I'm quitting St.
finian's and going to public school with my boyfriend Dean.
What are you talking about? And why the hell are you here while your parents are at your dance? Because Dean and I have been unfairly persecuted! Sister Helen caught us with an empty liquor bottle, and she refused to believe that we weren't drinking.
I don't believe you weren't drinking.
Oh! Lily, we have to talk.
Why? You don't believe me, either.
Nobody does! What is the matter with you two? What did we do?! Your daughter was drinking at the dance that you were supposed to be chaperoning.
We never asked to chaperone that dance.
Lily's dance is this Saturday, and nobody asked Nancy hingle.
Oh, she seems like a nice girl, that's a shame.
It means she's available to baby-sit.
Date night.
We could go to a movie.
A new movie in a real theater.
Yeah, with popcorn and sticky floors that aren't ours.
Sounds good.
Ah, Mr.
and Mrs.
Finnerty, just the people I was looking for.
Well, you found us.
Well, as you know, every parent at St.
finian's is required to volunteer for some kind of service for the school.
Yeah, we already did something.
Yes, you provided a box of store-bought cookies for our bake sale in 1998.
It was an assortment.
Well as luck would have it, we have an opportunity this Saturday night.
[Lily screaming.]
You're chaperoning my dance? We are so sorry.
This was supposed to be my big night.
It's the first night that everybody at school is gonna see me with my new boyfriend.
And now they're gonna see me with my boyfriend, my mommy and my daddy.
We'll stay out of your way, we promise.
We'll avoid you completely.
We won't even talk to you.
If I catch him looking at you, I'm gonna step on his foot.
And you know what, that'll be our signal to each other in case we accidentally look at you.
I'm gonna wear heels.
Me, too.
And we were good.
Yeah, we left her completely alone.
That's very considerate, 'cause kids need space when they're drinking a bottle of whiskey.
Here you go, my man.
My man.
What is this? It's a half a roast beef sub and a thermos of some kind of soup.
Hey, that's my lunch for tomorrow! If you think stealing your brother's food and giving it to me is gonna make up for what you did-- It's just my way of saying thank you.
You wanna know what real thanks would have been? If you'd gotten me my pizza two hours ago.
Well, it's about time you showed up.
I know we had a deal, I'm not denying we had a deal.
I cannot help what your expectations were.
Come on, I'm starvin'.
We're through talking.
Thank God.
Let's eat.
All right, I gotta talk to this guy.
Come on.
I've got a headache.
All I've had to eat today is a pop tart and some apple juice.
One more minute is not gonna kill you.
Let's go.
You made promises.
I may have made implications.
You made implications.
Implications are not contracts.
I had certain expectations.
I cannot help what your expectations are.
I think you can.
I think we're finished.
We're not finished.
Look, there is no merchandise.
You made implications.
Implications are not contracts.
But I had certain expectations.
All right! That's it, enough! If I hear you ramble any more about implications or expectations I swear I will snap you in half and eat you! Do you understand?! I understand.
Good! Let's go eat.
Where'd that come from? It warmed me all over to see dad that way.
It's like he was Alive.
I was starvin'! Oh, hulk get hungry, hulk smash people! Oh, sure, make fun of the hypoglycemic.
Hey, are you wasted? No.
'Cause mom and dad said you and Dean were drinking.
Uhh! We were not drinking! But, of course, they don't believe me.
Nobody believes me.
I don't believe you.
You don't even know what happened.
Well, do you wanna, like, practice your story on me so it's more believable when you tell mom and dad? Oh, I don't need to practice! It's all the truth.
That's good, that sounds very believable.
Because it's true! You don't understand.
This started out as the most amazing night of my life.
[Tropical music plays.]
[Needle scratching record.]
Lily.
I don't believe I've met your friend.
Is he an outsider? Um, yeah.
Hi-- Hi, Sister Helen.
This-- this is Dean Peramotti.
Hey.
He goes LaGuardia.
Oh.
A public.
Sister Helen is so small minded.
She says that you're supposed to love everybody, but if you go to public school all of a sudden you're a low life.
But I thought you liked Dean because he is a low life.
Well, maybe at first, but that's not who he really is.
He's very sensitive.
So, um, do you want to dance or have a cookie? How about we go make out? Whoa, are you OK? [Coughs.]
I'm--I'm fine.
You left me with a note We were just good friends Really can't pretend Didn't mind, I was young My life had just begun Oh, hey, Lily.
Brad.
You look Yeah! Thanks.
So are you, like, here alone? I'm with Dean, Brad.
Oh, hey, I didn't even see you there, man.
What's up.
Are you alone? Me? Yeah, you know, I'm stag.
I'm bachelor style.
It gives me a chance to check out the merchandise.
Maybe take some home, you know? Hey, well then, um Bye! Hey! I got friends I got letters here to send I got time on my hands You canceled all my plans Oh! Everywhere I looked there were nuns and parents and nerds.
Why didn't you just go out to the dumpsters like everyone else does? That's not romantic, and how do you know about that? I've got some experience.
Yeah, experience watching people, perv? You know what? I'm just trying to learn, OK? OK.
Well, eventually we found a much better place.
[Bottle rolls on floor.]
What was that? It's a liquor bottle.
Who snuck that in? Who cares? [Chuckles.]
Sister Helen! Oh, God.
OK, that's not ours.
Yeah, we looked down and we just found it on the floor.
OK, that's enough from you.
No, no, no.
Really, look, it's empty.
Well, good to the last drop.
Look, it's not ours! I said that's enough, mister.
You are banned.
Uhh, and she banned him! And now I'm never gonna be able to take him to homecoming or basketball games or the easter carnival, or the walkathon.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I believe you.
I don't care.
Hey, you know what the problem is? The problem's all this uptightness about underage drinking.
There are laws, Eddie.
Which is what makes kids rebel and want to drink.
You let 'em drink all they want, and they won't drink at all.
Mom, dad, look, all right? I don't care what anybody else says, Dean and I did not drink at that dance.
Look, Lily, Sister Helen showed us the bottle.
All right? The empty bottle of scotch.
So what does that prove? That bottle was half-full an hour before.
And how do you know that? Because it was ours.
How's that soup, my man? It was your bottle? It doesn't matter whose bottle it was.
Yes, it does! No, it doesn't.
The only thing that matters is that you're too young to drink.
I didn't, you did! Go to your room! That's what I'm doing.
No, you're not! You get your butt back here right now! Fine.
Now what? Go to your room! That's where I was going! No, you weren't! [Screams.]
Excellent parenting.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Oh! Criminey! Aah! What's the matter with you, dad? Oh, I threw my back out dealing with some of your brother's associates.
Wait, I thought it was just one guy.
I have numerous associates.
That display of power was very impressive.
Yeah, yeah, just get me my pizza.
Coming right up.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Joey.
What do you want, Finnerty? What do I want? He wants to know what I want.
You know what I want.
I want what I got coming to me.
I don't owe you crap.
[Sighs.]
Now not only am I not getting what I want, I'm getting something that I don't want: The runaround.
What are you gonna do about it? What am I gonna do about it? See that guy over there? Yeah? He's got a big problem with you.
Oh, yeah? Well, he can kiss my ass.
What, are you talking to me? Yeah, he's talking to you.
Aah! Ohh! Yah! Bring it on! Aah! Behind you, dad.
Does anybody else want a piece of me? Whoa, dad! I don't want to talk about it.
Ease up, guy.
There's a lot of free pizza in your future if you play your cards right.
Put a sock in it or I'll drop ya.
Ooh.
Uhh! Lily, we are not blaming you, all right? It's that boy you were with.
I could say the same thing to you.
OK, all right, look.
All right, we didn't do anything so wrong.
You brought booze to my dance.
No, we didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, we didn't! Yes, you did.
OK, OK, we did.
But not tonight.
Hey, Mr.
Finnerty, can I cut in? No.
Can--can you tell Lily to dance with me? No.
Why'd I pay $1.
00 to get in here? God! "Mr.
Finnerty, can you tell Lily to dance with me? Why'd I pay $1.
00 to get in--" shh, be nice.
Remember when we used to come to these dances, you were just as dorky as Brad.
Oh, really? I kind of remember that I was pretty suave.
Wanna go behind the stage and get wasted? Yeah.
Yes! All right! Aah! Oh, baby, that's smooth, just like water.
Yummy.
Oh, God, you're cool.
[Chuckles.]
Mmm! Who's back here? Stash the bottle! I don't-- Oh, my God.
Do you think that bottle's still there? Nah, no way.
Let's go and look.
Come on.
[Gasps.]
Yes! Yes! Yes! Ooh, shall we? But of course.
[Giggles.]
Aah! It's still smooth.
Mmm! Yummy.
Oh, still rock.
Is somebody back there? Sean! Let's get out of here.
I can't believe you guys! You guys do realize that the word "chaperone" does not mean lead the debauchery? You guys need to understand something, OK? We never have any fun! What are you talking about? Yeah, me and dad come over here all the time.
Yeah, I know! OK, and that's the problem because we--we-- Never have a night to ourselves.
And tonight, OK, tonight we thought we might be able to make it one of those nights.
Well, you certainly made it into a night I'll never forget.
Scottish accent: Oh, that's right, a wee Lassie never forgets the first time she chugs down a bottle of the glendronach! We didn't chug down anything! Glendronach? Yeah, who did? label glendronach? Yeah, dad, I think so.
Did you take that out of my liquor cabinet? No.
Oh, come on, Walt, that was high school.
That was so long ago.
I don't care how long ago it was, that bottle of scotch was a birthday present from my uncle Pete.
Every time I turned my back, you and your rotten brother were stealing bottles from my bar.
No, no, that's not true! Yeah, we would only drink a little.
Then we'd top it off with some water, and then we'd put it back.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hey, Mr.
Finnerty, is Lily here? Yeah, yeah, Brad.
She's right-- Are you OK? Yeah! I'm fine.
Brad, are you drunk? Yeah, yeah, I'm drunk.
And I'm not sorry for it, either.
I'm so sorry, Lily.
Brad, what are you talking about? You and that Dean guy, dancing, I was watching you.
He's very handsome.
[Dance music plays.]
Ow! That's my dancing foot! We don't need women to have a good time.
We've got each other, right? All: Right! Right? Right! Claudia: Oh, hey, Brad.
Hey, is this where all the cool guys are hanging out? Um, no, they're right over there, Mr.
Finnerty.
Lily: What was that? It's a liquor bottle.
Who snuck that in? Who cares? [Chuckles.]
See, it was all my fault.
Claudia: Not exactly.
Look, Lily, we are so sorry.
What are you talking about? Well, the bottle was ours.
It was Claudia's and mine.
You--you-- You're the coolest parents in the entire world! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they're real cool.
Oh, come on.
We feel terrible.
Well, maybe next time I tell you that I didn't do something, you'll believe me.
Well, that would be fine if you didn't lie your butt off all the time.
All right, I'm going home.
Come on, I'll give you a ride, dad.
Oh, I gotta stop and see this guy first.
Fine, as long as it's quick.
Hey, it's entirely up to you, my man.
I am not your man! Brad, why don't you go home and sleep it off? Hey, Lily, do you think I could spend the night here? I don't think I'm in any shape to drive home right now.
OK, OK, Brad, you don't have a car, and you live next door, OK? Ohh! Blecch! Brad: Tell me you didn't feel that spark! Shh, shh.
Do you hear that? What? Listen.
I don't hear anything.
Exactly, because we're all alone.
[Laughs.]
Baby, I've traveled-- I've traveled too far To change this lonely life Jimmy yelling: Mom, Henry bit me! Henry: He was saying he was a ghost! Sing louder.
Foreigner sings: I want to know what love is And I want you to show me I wanna feel what love is Since when does Sister Helen get to punish parents? Just shut up and lick.
Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
Finnerty.
Oh, hey, Brad.
Hey, I wanted to apologize for being so irresponsible last night.
That's all right.
I was pretty drunk.
Did I do anything stupid? No, you were fine-- Oh, actually, you did promise to stuff and-- lick.
Lick 2,000 envelopes.
Stupid! Yeah.
That's what I get, you know, for being stupid!