Happily Divorced (2011) s02e15 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience and based on what actually happened to me.
Fran, I don't even know why you made me show you this house.
It's totally wrong for you and Elliot.
You know, it reminds me of that sitcom with the big staircase and the Butler.
What was it called? Oh, yeah.
Fresh prince of Bel-Air.
Ooh, look! They got a koi pond.
Which is basically a Sushi bar for raccoons.
Peter, is this your sales technique? 'Cause I got news for you.
If it is, it sucks.
Listen, you and Elliot aren't getting married for months.
I mean, what's the big rush? Well, when two people own a house together, it's harder to get out of the relationship.
Ringing any bells? Hey, I'm sorry.
I am a professional realtor.
I could give you a thousand reasons.
Trust me, this is not the right property for you.
Why? Too many stairs, for one.
Your parents would never be able to stay over.
Sold! Peter, what is going on? You have pooped on every place that I've looked at.
I've gotta buy a house.
I'm getting married! Really? I totally forgot that because you only tell me ad nauseam.
Well, that's because I am planning for the future, which, by the way, is something that you should be doing too.
Hey, I am planning for the future.
I'm out there.
I'm doing my "thang.
" I'm moving around.
Got a whole lotta stuff going on.
Really? When? Between not selling houses and watching real housewives of everywhere? Look, things are going to change, and you have to stop avoiding it.
Avoiding what? What am I avoiding? I'm not avoiding anything.
Oh, my God.
Yvonne de Carlo lived here.
- She was Lily Munster.
- No.
Peter, have you thought about where you are going to live? What are you talking about? I have a house.
Well, you can't afford that by yourself.
But we can rent it out, and then you can use that to get someplace a little smaller.
I just got lifetime Netflix.
I don't wanna move.
You just don't want to move on, which is why you don't want me to have this fabulous house.
Hold on.
The only reason I don't want you to buy this house is because of shoddy construction.
It's on a tiny lot.
I wouldn't sell this money pit to anyone.
Oh, I love this.
Have you seen the koi pond? ? She was certain that he was her one and only ? ? But their union always seemed a little forced ? ? She got married anyway ? ? Turns out that he was gay ? ? They're still in love ? ? But now she's Happily Divorced ? oh, hi, Cesar.
I'm glad you're here.
I bought Peter a present 'cause, you know, I just feel so bad for him.
He's getting such terrible separation anxiety because, you know, I'm getting married! I know.
We know.
Everybody knows.
Let me try this on you.
Tell me what you think.
It's got pheromones in it for a man to attract another man.
Mmm! I'd do me.
Where is he anyway? Oh, he's showing someone the house.
Oh! He found a buyer? Yeah, right.
He got a boyfriend? What are you smoking? He said he found a roommate.
Oh, look at that.
I give him a little bit of tough love, and it just set him straight.
Well, let's not go crazy.
Oh, Petey! You got a roommate? I know.
Can you believe it? Honey, you were totally right.
I was just avoiding moving on.
I'm so excited.
So tell me, where did you guys meet? - At there bar.
- Oh! Yeah, Judi was singing her Evita medley and we started discussing Mandy Patinkin, which, of course, led to yentl Which, of course, led to how Barbra was robbed of the Oscar.
No, she wasn't even nominated.
Petey, this is so great.
You're gonna have a whole new person to have fresh conversation with and eat with and watch American Idol with instead of me.
Well, not exactly.
No one can replace you.
Fran, this is Jan.
Jan, Fran.
Hi! So what do you think? Well, I liked her right off the bat.
I got to admit, I was a little surprised because you went to a gay bar and brought home a woman.
She is a woman, isn't she? Yeah, it's a woman.
Oh, Fran, the house! So me.
Oh, and I love your dress.
What size are you? - Four.
- Me too.
Fran, Jan.
Six.
Ugh, you know, I just can't wait to move in here.
I have this neighbor who's got a bird that I wanna kill.
Would you believe that parrots can live to, like, freakin' 50? Oh, my God! Well, you don't have to worry about that.
- Peter's allergic to feathers.
- Oh.
That's why when she got the down comforter, I couldn't sleep with her anymore.
Yeah, that's why, Peter.
Oh, Fran, I hear you do flowers.
Did you do all these arrangements? - Mm-hmm.
- They're gorgeous! Thank you.
What do you do? - I do "heah.
" - Huh? - "Heah.
" - Huh? "Hair," Fran.
"Hair.
" Ohh! "Heah"! Oh, I just love your New York accent.
I'm so sad that I lost mine.
Oh, my God.
Isn't she adorable? Yeah, that's our little Esther.
Aww.
Fran, is it gonna be sad for you? Leaving after you've been living in this house for so long? No, I'm looking forward to it.
Yeah, it's good to mix it up.
Change is good.
I'll tell you, Judi, I could not have picked out a better roommate myself.
So she doesn't remind you of anybody? Audrey Hepburn.
I thought that right away.
Well, I was gonna say you.
Me? Oh, Judi.
You think we all look alike.
Well, actually, if you think about it, it all works out great.
You get to go off and marry Elliot, and Peter gets to stay here living with you.
It's like Lassie.
You know they all weren't the same dog, right? Oh, Judi, don't be ridiculous.
Peter could never replace me.
There's only one Fran and Peter.
Hey, Judi Booty.
Hi, Jan.
Hi! - Stop! - What? What? She just did the most amazing impression of that girl Connie in Saturday night fever who dances with Travolta.
Do it, do it.
- Yeah, yeah? - Peter! - Jan! - Peter! - Jan! - All right.
"So, Tony, you as good in the bed as you are on the dance floor?" - Isn't that just like her? - Oh, my God.
- That's hilarious.
- I told you.
I do impressions too! Oh, boy, does anyone want some iced tea or something? - Could you get me some? - No, no.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Tell me who you think this is, okay? "Well, what do you suggest, prime minister, that I make a statement?" Oh, come on! Helen Mirren in the queen.
- Ohh.
- Ohh.
- Right? - Oh, yeah.
It's like she was in the room.
Yeah, well, uh, we better get moving.
I gotta change, or we're never gonna make it.
- Yeah, I know.
- Where you going? Oh, Jan got some tickets to the matinee of Book of Mormon.
Oh, no.
Is that the Book of Mormon that we were supposed to see together? Mm, oh, I feel terrible.
Listen, you want, we'll bring you back a pizza from Mozza.
Mozza? How did you get a reservation at Mozza? We've been trying to get in for the last six months.
I'm sorry, Fran.
I just figured you'd be busy with your wedding plans.
- You are getting married, you know.
- I know, Peter.
- Well, we gotta go, guys.
- Yeah, all right, bye.
- See ya.
- Bye.
You know, isn't that ironic how they're going to see a show about mormons? You know, 'cause they've got multiple wives.
I know, Judi.
I mean, Peter's doing everything that I told him to do.
He's moving on with his life.
So why am I so not happy? Darling, you really need to start calling before you come over.
I mean, what's wrong with me? Am I mentally unbalanced? Oh, Shirley partridge is here.
Whatever the problem is, I don't want to hear.
Don't involve me.
I got a jets game starting.
So Peter wants another woman in your bed.
What's the big deal? Ah, crap.
Now I'm intrigued.
Sweetheart, have I ever steered you wrong? Don't invest in apple stock, home perms are just as good, marry Peter.
You'll miss me when I'm gone.
But the point is you've got to let go.
You had three wonderful years, but the divorce is over! But it was such a happy one.
Everyone said so.
People would stop us at the mall and ask, "what's your secret?" Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What happened with Peter's Switcheroo and bringing a broad into the bed? I'm missing kickoff here.
Darling, no woman wants to feel like she's being replaced.
It's natural to be jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I just can't stand her stupid face.
Fran, are you happy with the new man in your life? He's nice.
Then shouldn't you let Peter be happy with the roommate he'll be living with? I don't wanna.
Darling, this is what Peter needs right now.
Men don't transition well.
It's like when you move a dog's dish, it gets them disoriented.
Sweetheart If you love Peter, you will find a way to make peace with the new wife.
I do love Peter.
And it'll be weird if we're not getting along over Thanksgiving and Hanukkah.
I don't want Esther to feel like it's her fault.
Oh, thanks, ma.
You helped me again.
I love you.
Anytime, darling.
Anytime.
Bye, daddy.
Oh, ma, did you take your house key off my key ring? Why would I do that? Hi, Cesar.
What's going on? Okay, so that's 11x14.
Hi, Fran! Hi, Jan.
I didn't expect to see you here.
What's happening? I figured since you're moving out anyway, this spot is perfect for my hair salon.
Oh, my flower shop? Are we zoned for that? We're not zoned for this.
Great.
Well, good.
So, Fran, you missed the best play I've ever seen.
Me and Petey were hysterical.
Yeah, well, that's why me and Petey wanted to go see it too.
But I will.
I will.
- Yeah.
- When? It's closing.
Well, aren't you a wealth of information today? Uh, would you mind getting some coffee for me and my friend Jan? Yes.
You know, Fran, I can't believe that at my age I met someone like Peter.
It's like he knows me so well already.
Like, I went to eat that second slice of pizza, and he said, "ah, ah, ah.
"You're never gonna fit into that dress we picked out together for the wedding.
" - Oh, whose wedding? - Yours.
Oh, you're coming to my wedding with Peter.
Yeah.
Do you have a date yet? Uh, yeah, my fiance Elliot.
No, Fran, I meant when is it? It's in may.
Oh.
Perfect.
I can get a demo crew in here by, uh, march, april.
Hey, if I find any old stuff around, where do you want me to put it? I'll tell you where you could put it.
Do me a favor.
Will you hold this please? Listen, Fran.
Even though you're moving out, I just want you to know you're never gonna be a stranger.
You are always welcome here.
- Ohh.
- Yeah.
Just call first, okay? You want me to call my own house before I come over? Uh, yeah.
I mean, you know, Peter and I, we're so new.
Ow! Oops, Jan, I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
You did that on purpose.
No, I didn't.
It was an accident.
If I wanted to do something on purpose, it would be this! Oh! Oh! This is war.
Aah! Jan! Jan! Stop that! Oh! Oh! Jan, you're You crazy Crazy! Oh! - You! - Oh! - Oh, no! - You - Oh! - No! What are you doing? - What, are you nuts? - You home wrecker! I'm not a home wrecker! He's gay! Okay, stop it, stop it.
Aah! Oh, stop that! Ladies, stop! What are you Ohh.
Hey, Petey.
There you are.
Look at you, looking all sexy.
Really? Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Well, you look great too.
- Thanks.
- Your skin is glowing.
Oh, I just had a mud bath.
Uh, do you mind if I join you? Although I gotta admit, it looks like Enrico is interested in a little more than just serving you drinks.
Right? - I was getting that vibe too.
- Yeah? I'm about to make my move.
Okay.
Hey, Peter.
Do you need something else? Hi, Enrico.
Hi, Fran.
I cannot thank you enough for getting me this job.
Oh, anything for Cesar's cousin.
You know, out of 100 men, they picked me.
Well, you were obviously the most qualified.
Can I have a vodka and soda? Okay.
What is in that? Whatever you bring me will be fine.
So I hear you had a house showing.
- How'd it go? - Oh, good news, bad news.
- They didn't buy.
- Ohh.
But I went out to bed bath & beyond.
I got a fantastic deal on an Egyptian cotton sheet set for Jan's room.
- Oh, how sweet.
- Yeah.
Did you save the receipt? Why? Oh, no reason.
Jan came by the flower shop today.
- Yeah? - Yeah, we were all, "how you doing?" "How was Book of Mormon?" "Can you help me measure?" She don't wanna be your roommate anymore.
What? What did you do? Why do you go right to what I did? Maybe she did something.
Yeah, right.
What'd you do? Well, she pushed my buttons, and I might be a little bit sensitive because I have a lot on my mind with this wedding and everything.
And I admit, I might have said things that I didn't mean Much like you did at our wedding.
What are you even getting involved with her for anyway? Why do you have to always stick your nose into every aspect of my life? It's what I do.
I can't believe you did this to me, Fran.
- Petey - Oh, what do you care? Your life is all tied up in a neat, little bow, and I have to start at square one.
- Thanks a lot, Fran.
- Oh, Petey.
Here's your vodka and soda.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Where were you? I went to talk to Jan.
Ohh, what'd she say? She said you and I have issues.
She called us a weird Donny and Marie.
Well, that's a little rough.
I thought so too.
Oh, Petey, I'm so sorry.
I promise I'm gonna make it up to you.
How? Hey, Peter.
Uh, Enrico lives all the way out in Glendale, and so I told him that he could crash on our couch tonight.
Is that okay with you? And he said that when I move out, he would love to move in and be your roommate.
Oh, we're gonna have so much fun.
I want to make you my bombocado.
I hope that means "slave.
" So I did good, huh? You did good.
Oh, Petey, I'm just so sorry.
But, you know, when I saw you together with her, I got really jealous.
I still feel so connected to you.
Well, same here.
I mean, why do you think I wanted to live with Jan? She reminds me of you.
I wanted to have you around.
Aww, Petey.
You know, I'm marrying Elliot I know, Fran.
But a part of me is always gonna feel like you're my real husband, and he's the hot guy I'm having an affair with.
Yeah.
Same with me and Enrico.
Well, I love you.
Mwah! - Good night, honey.
- Good night, sweetie.
- See ya.
- Sweet dreams.
Oh, my God! Enrico, I'm sorry! I thought you were in the bathroom.
I'll knock next time.
You did good.
You did very, very good.