Happy Endings s02e15 Episode Script

(Imitating announcer voice) It's a balmy 8 degrees outside, while inside we're at the top of the 99th inning during the longest winter ever, and this announcer is one more snow flurry away from harming himself and others.
Shut up and pitch.
Here it comes.
She's got nothin'! She's got nothin'! (Dramatic music playing) (Thuds) (Grunts) Ow! Off my hams.
- Whoo-hoo! - Ground rule double.
(Grunts) Hey! Whoa! Ho! Has he been there the whole time? Yeah, he's been there for weeks.
He gets so depressed during the winter that he goes into full hibernation mode.
He won't leave the house.
He won't shave.
He won't shower.
He won't even speak.
Watch this.
Hey, buddy.
We're gonna go ahead and throw out all your old wigs.
(Grunts) You guys know what this means, right? The conditions are perfect for Brad and Jane's annual fight.
- You think? - Yeah.
Max is a bear.
It's freezing out, and my skin is so dry, it's got a British accent.
(British accent) May I have some more, please-- Lotion? (Laughs) - Ugh! - Whatever.
Dawgs, I'm playin' hurt.
Oh, my God.
Pen, you're right.
(Imitates announcer voice) Are you ready for the Brad and Jane spring smackdown? I'm ready for no more announcer voice.
Yeah, me, too.
I wonder what'll set them off this time.
I'm sure it will be something really important, just like last year.
(Sighs) You don't grate the rind off the parmesan.
You get new parmesan! It is perfectly good cheese! (Chuckles) Well, your hair looked way better long! Ohh! Aah! (Grunts, high-pitched voice) Ohh! I can't wait.
Really? 'Cause I hate when they fight.
It just means spring's coming.
It's like our Groundhog Day, if the groundhog was one part blonde overachiever with control issues and a fondness for formal shorts and, mm One part Brad.
(Door opens) Food's here.
Sorry we're late.
Brad insisted on Brazilian, which takes way longer than his normal bikini wax.
Anyway, we got Thai.
(Chuckles) It's called a bro-zilian.
(Jane) Nobody calls it a bro-zilian.
(Chuckles) Yeah, next thing you're gonna tell me is there's no such thing as a scroatee.
(High-pitched voice) Mm.
(Chuckles) (Packaging rustles) Babe Did you forget the sriracha sauce? (Penny, Dave, and Alex gasp) No.
I got it right here.
Ohh.
(Sighs) (Sighs) But you only got one.
(Penny and Dave gasp) (Sighs) You know what? (Inhales deeply) I don't need all that spice.
(Groans) (Grunts) - Just need a little sugar.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Yeah, see? They're not fighting.
They're kissing.
No, no.
They could be angry kissing.
(Brad and Jane, singsongy) - Mm.
- Nope.
- Mm.
- They're normal kissing.
(Dave and Alex sigh) Mm.
- Mwah! (Gasps) - Ohh.
(Gasps) (Brad and Jane) Ohh! Mm.
Bye, Brad.
Bye, Jane.
Great seeing you guys.
I don't get it.
Why weren't they fighting? I know.
They had so many opportunities.
Brad accidentally spit-laughed on Jane three times (Chuckles) Although, in fairness, Alex, your drunken chipmunk impression is hilarious.
Thanks.
It's just a variation on my Renee Zellweger.
Guys, what if spring smackdown doesn't happen? (Hangers clank) What are we gonna do with these? (Gasps, nasal voice) Oh, my God.
Kewt.
(Nasal voice) So kewt.
Super kewt.
But I don't want them to fight just so we can wear kewt shirts.
Al, it's not just about the T-shirts, though it should be, because they are (Nasal voice) So kewt.
(Both, nasal voices) So kewt.
This is about Brad moving in and us helping him work through his anger by letting him buy us things like steak dinners and bottle service.
Plus we get to say cool things like "ball out" and "crush it," and I don't have to be ashamed about wearing my calf-length leather duster.
- You should.
- I know.
I'm just not there yet.
No, this is all about douche week, and I love it.
Yes, and then Jane comes and stays with me, which is awesome, 'cause I get to help her with guy problems for once, you know, 'cause I'm always the mess and--and she's always the together one.
In what world is she the together one? She polishes her fax machine.
We hang out.
We drink wine.
I heal her, and this year, I even bought us all flowy pants from Angela Bassett's new line of flowy pants-- Bassett by Angela for Angela Bassett.
Al, we really need this, okay, especially Max.
Douche week is the only thing big enough to get him out of hibernation mode.
Dave, he's not actually a bear! (Grunts) Well, in his defense, he does eat honey like that year-round, but still.
Dave, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
Me, too.
I'm also thinking that.
Let's all say it at the same time.
Why do we have to say it if you're thinking it? - Shh.
I got it.
- Okay.
(Dave and Penny) We gotta make spring smackdown happen! Make spring smackdown happen! Yes! No! If Brad and Jane are not fighting naturally, we can't force it.
It's bad juju bees! Do you want spring to come or not? Spring will come, no matter what! Will it? Brad, question for you-- I'm planning a bachelor party for a friend, and I was wondering if you could recommend a good strip club, since your nickname is "Mr.
Strip Club.
" Mr.
Strip Club? That is shocking and offensive, right, Jane? Sorry, bro.
I haven't been to a boob bar in forever, homey.
But when you did, it was shocking and offensive, right, Jane? Eh no.
No.
- Jane loves a good strip club.
- She loves 'em.
In fact, Brad, why don't we hit up a jiggle joint right now, check out some peelers? (Chuckling) I am the opposite of out (High-pitched voice) In! (Normal voice, laughs) Give me your phone.
I will call Taters, see if we can get a table by the omelet bar.
(Chuckles) Mm.
Gross.
(Chuckles) In a good way.
Yeah.
Okay.
When did you become Facebook friends with your ex-girlfriend? Why are you reading my private messages? Uh, why are having private messages with Megan? What are you writing that I can't read? I am writing none of your business.
(Gasps) I don't ask what you're writing to Jamaal (Chuckles) Or Malik - Mm.
- Or L'Dwaynian! - Well, good - Yeah? Because you do not wanna know! (Gasps) Jane.
(Glass clatters) (High-pitched voice) Oh! You don't know what I don't want to know! (Penny and Dave) Yes! (Brad shouting indistinctly) Wow.
We barely had to say anything.
(Door opens) Just had to give 'em a little nudge.
Oh, you think it's only a little nudge, but watch out, 'cause it could be just like "The Butterfly Effect.
" That one little movie led to Ashton Kutcher doing a lot of bad movies.
Wow.
Ooh.
They're really going at it.
(Clicks tongue and sighs) (Lowered voice) Yes! Yeah.
Gotta see this.
(Jane and Brad speaking inaudibly) - Whoa.
Jane is really mad.
- It's happening! Do you think they're buying it? Totally buying it.
(Scoffs) I haven't faked something that hard since I told your mother I celebrate Kwanzaa! By the way, you look great in kente cloth.
- This is wrong, guys.
- No, this is just what we needed.
When you said that they needed this spring smackdown, I thought you were crazy, but you were right! They are begging for it in there! Yeah.
It's so sad that we're evolving (clenches teeth) But our friends are not! - Mnh.
- By the way, good acting.
You really seem angry! I am angry! (Sighs) - I'm angry you're not naked right now! - Mm! Ohh! I wanna see them thangs! Whoa! This might be their worst fight ever.
That can was disgusting! I'll wash those gloves as soon as we get home! Oh, thank you! I appreciate everything you do for me! Hey! - Hey! - Do you think we should switch to paperless billing? I don't think that I'm ready for that! (Grunts) I like having a hard copy for my records! Whatever happened to "hard copy"? I liked that show! It was a viable alternative to "a current affair"! (Grunts) (Grunts) I love you! (Grunts) I love you! I love you! See you at the house! In bed! Naked! Spring smackdown is on.
(Nasal voice) Oh, my God.
Kewt.
Super kewt.
So kewt.
Hey, girl.
Oh, my God.
How are you? Super not great, right? (Singsongy) Poor thing.
Ohh.
You can tell Penny (Sighs) Everything.
Oh, it has been Roof.
(Mouths word) Yeah.
(Chuckles) Roof stoof.
Get on over here, baby girl.
(Sighs) 'Cause Penny is gonna make it all better, okay? (Chuckles) Let me tell ya, the Pinot and the pants are a-flowin'.
The brie is a-bakin'.
It's time to stop waiting and start (Clink) Exhaling.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Let's settle in.
Okay.
Now tell me, how mad are you at Brad Mm.
And to what degree of shambles would you say your life is in? Um lots.
- Mm.
- A lot of-- Lot of shambles.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I am so mad (Clenches teeth) - At Brad.
- Ohh! I mean, it's like, I am so Grr! Mad at that guy! (Inhales deeply) (Both sigh) That feels good to get that off my chest.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Thank you, Penny.
(Chuckles) I'm gonna go unpack my suitcase.
What? No! Jane, I see you, and I know you're hurting - Mm.
- And it's time to get you out of those feelings and into some brie.
Alex, brie.
Yello.
Where are your flowy pants? You know they facilitate conversation.
You know, I'm actually kinda talked out.
(Chuckles) Whoa! Get back here! (Chuckles) Yeah.
You know what, Penny? I will wear the pants when Jane wants to talk, and it kinda seems like she doesn't, so you guys have fun (Dish clatters) 'Cause I just got the criterion collection of "Clueless," so I'll see you guys later, I hope not sporadically.
Great, Al.
Okay.
Brad basically has a second family on Facebook, and you want to watch "Clueless.
" Uh, you know, it actually kinda sounds fun.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) What? Yeah.
(Grunts) Hello.
Okeydoke.
You know what? Why don't we (Chuckles) Instead of talking about Brad, let's watch "Clueless" and have, like, an old-school sleepover.
- No! - Yes, like when we were little, before we cared about guys and how blindingly angry they make us.
Yes! A slumber party! We'll order pizza, have strawberry milk.
(Gasps) We'll play MASH I get to be Hawkeye.
Uh, yes! You know, I might put a little bit of vodka in my strawberry milk, but, yes, that is what I'm talking about.
See, my only concern is that maybe those old sleepovers weren't as great as we thought they were.
Like, didn't it always kinda seem like maybe somebody would get left out (Chuckles) And, like, sometimes some people would always break into the sisters-only gibberish language that, like, um, somebody else couldn't understand? What are you talking about? Please don't do it.
Iggity-I diggity-on't riggity-mem-biggity-er.
Yiggity-oo diggity-oo, jiggity-ane? Shiggity-ure diggity-on't, iggity-al-iggity-ex.
Now you're iggity hurting my iggity Figgity feelings-g'dings.
I'm sorry.
I didn't understand that.
Mnh-mnh.
- That wasn't a real language.
- Mnh-mnh.
Yaggity Yaggity fristos.
(Whispers) What? Higgity-eye figgity-ive! Mm! (Whispers) Ha.
(Tv playing indistinctly) Guess who's ready for the lobster mash and sour cream bacon biscuits at the chophouse, baby? This guy! Sorry, abs.
Daddy's gotta live a little.
Hello, blade.
Max, Brad's gonna take us to the chophouse.
You want to clean up and get ready for the nice restaurant? (Grunts) You know, I was thinking, that place is, like, so expensive, you know, and--and it's freezing outside.
Plus last time the waitress was kinda racist to me.
Just skip the chophouse, my dude.
(Grunts) (Stammers) Besides, that pizza Max has smells really good.
What happened to working out your anger with Jane by recklessly spending your money on things like Stretch hummers and steak and rinkside seats to the "Ice Capades"? I thought I'd switch it up this year.
You know I love a good capade.
(Chuckles) I love a capade, too.
(Chuckles) I know you do.
But this year, I am so angry that I don't even want that slender dragon to get the satisfaction of seeing me rage-spend, so let's just rage-chill instead and rage-get-caught-up on "Downton Abbey.
" No.
No, but if we don't go out, we'll never get Max out of bear mode.
Well, why would you want him to? You get to live with a bear that sounds like Tim Allen.
Uhh? See? (Laughs) Hey! Hey! Put that down! Leave it! Leave it! (Laughs) Look at him.
He just wants to get that meat.
(Grunts) Hey! Git! Oh, don't poke the bear, baby.
(Chuckles) (Grunts) Git! Git! You don't poke the bear.
That is illegal.
(Scraping) (Grunting) (Knock on door) Ohh.
Hey.
(Sighs) Pen, what's going on? (Sighs) Oh, you know, standard.
Just cleaning up from a slumber party-- Some light dusting, dishes, chipping my unmentionables out of the freezer.
(Clatter) (Grunts) The Kerkovich sisters pulled the frozen bra trick on me-- The old ice chest.
(Clatters) (Laughs) Burn! Freezer burn.
Yes! Suck it.
So I take it that spring smackdown hasn't been going as you were hoping, either.
I don't know, Dave.
Did I hope I would pee my bed? 'Cause I did, straight through to the box spring.
(Laughs) That's what you get for falling asleep first! Suck a million.
Yeah, well, it's been no pic-a-nic at my place, either.
(Sighs) Brad refuses to ball out at all, and he's been no help in getting Max out of bear mode.
(Circus music playing) (Brad chuckles) Oh! Look at him.
Oh, Mr.
Bear.
Oh, he's so wobbly.
(Laughing) Here.
Here.
(Laughing) Put this on your head like a hat.
(Laughing) (Laughing) He's so cute.
Can I keep him? Something's wrong, Dave.
Spring smackdown is not working.
I mean, we're not having any of our usual fun, and it's still so cold.
- I know.
- Where is spring?! I don't know.
It's so weird.
What's happening? (Sighs) It's "The Butterfly Effect.
" What's that? That's so funny.
I was just talking about this movie the other night, and now it's on.
Oh, to answer your question, spring smackdown isn't working 'cause you forced the fight, and by making that little change, it's having a bunch of these weird, rippling consequences.
They should really have a term for that.
It's "the butterfly effect.
" Are you not listening to me? I'm the one that just told you that it was on.
No, that's what the term-- shh.
It's starting.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
She really marches to the beat of her own very slow drummer.
Sweet, sweet, little bird (Sighs) But she's right.
There has been something off about the fight this year.
(Exhales deeply) By the way, congrats on those.
You've got them thangs (Clicks tongue) Aw.
(Both) Mm.
Mm.
(Gasps and clenches teeth) I missed you, boo bear.
Oh, fake fighting with you is so hot.
I love all this sneaking around.
Mm! We are the best.
Even when we don't need a fight, we can put on an amazing fight - just to make other people happy.
(Whispers) - I know.
(Normal voice) We're like Don King (Chuckles) Except instead of "Thrilla In Manila," it's thrilla in Vanilla.
(Chuckles) (High-pitched voice) Mm-hmm.
(Chuckles) (Whispers) - I'm Vanilla! - Yeah, you are! (Both laugh) Mmm.
(Both moaning) Mm.
Yeah.
- Mm.
- Mm.
(Chuckles) Mm! (Laughs) (Chuckles) (Inhales deeply) Ohh.
Aah.
Why is it freezing in here? (Horn honks in distance) Well, because you left the terrace doors open.
Um no, I didn't.
I didn't do that.
Well, I didn't leave them open.
Why are you giving me accusing eyes? I'm not giving you accusing eyes.
Now I'm giving you accusing eyes.
(Gasps) I'm not the one who always goes out on the terrace to stretch because "the perv across the way needs to eat, too.
" Well, I am not the one who thinks it's hilarious to go out there and scream, "good morning, Chicago," like Robin Williams every single morning.
Well, sorry that, like Robin Williams, my enthusiasm is infectious! Well, all I know is that I would never-- Oh, my God.
Bird.
Are you having a stroke? It's Brad.
Bird.
(Gasps) Oh.
Bird.
That is definitely your fault.
(Coos) You're a bird magnet.
(Honks horn) (Wings flapping) Oh! (High-pitched voice) Aah! Aah! (Horns honking) (Normal voice) Stop! Get away from me.
What do you want from me, huh, bird? I can't help it.
They're attracted to my cologne.
That's because it contains trace amounts of night crawlers! It's Japanese! It's weird! Why won't you listen to me? (Chuckles) Oh, so now I don't listen to you? You never listen.
That's because you can't stop talking.
Well, your hair looked better long! (High-pitched voice) Oh, no (Normal voice) You didn't! - Yes, I didn't did! (Chuckling) - Okay.
Okay.
Oh! Spring smackdown is on! It is on! (Laughing) Pen, you should probably check your messages.
What are you laughing about? Nothing, I just (Sniffles) You should check your messages, 'cause I'm pretty sure you got a message.
Oh, look.
I have three missed calls from "penis.
" (Laughing) Why? Because all my contacts have been changed to "penis.
" Who would do that? That's so mean.
Yeah, it is.
(Door closes) I need your help.
Brad and I just got in a huge fight.
What do you mean "just"? The Megan Facebook thing was yesterday.
(Strained voice) Yes.
(Normal voice) You keep a good timeline, but that is nothing compared to the fight that we just had about him leaving the door open.
What? Leaving the door open is worse than secretly corresponding with your ex-girlfriend who is a yoga pants model and who lists her favorite hobbies as breathing through her nose and competitive swallowing? Sorry.
I'm friends with her on Facebook.
She has the funniest updates.
Yeah, she you know, upon further investigation, is a really sweet girl, a really nice-- There was no Megan Facebook thing.
Yeah, we knew you needed spring smackdown, so Brad and I faked a fight - For you.
- What?! - What? - What? What?! I know.
It's so arrogant.
Like we have ever in any way implied that we need their fight.
Wait.
And now Jane's asking me for my help, like I can just put on those flowy pants any time I want to.
(Chuckles) Well, you do have them in your purse.
Yeah, for emergencies, okay? But that is not the point.
You know, I don't even want to help them now.
Me neither.
Ohh.
Great.
I threw out an old piece of cake, and I forgot to wrap it in plastic.
(Grunts) (Trash can rattles) (Grunts) And Pooh-Bear transition complete.
Look, whether you guys like how we got here or not, the real spring smackdown is happening.
(Trash can rattling) We need to help Brad and Jane.
(Grunts) Otherwise Max is gonna stay a bear, and spring will never come! Al, spring will come either way.
(Chuckles) Will it? Huh? Will it?! (Horn honks in distance) (Alex inhales deeply) (Penny inhales deeply) Why is it so freezing in here? I don't know.
Why don't you ask tuppence a bag? Jane left the doors open and refuses to close them.
I'm not closing them because I did not leave them open (Cooing) And I am not cold because I am warmed by the heat of my convictions.
(Strained voice) I'm not cold, either.
In fact, I might lose l layer.
Well, two can play at that.
(Snorts) Maybe try the other hand.
Yeah.
(Laughs) Stupid.
Okay, let me just get these pants off Okay.
O-okay.
No.
Dr.
Penny is gonna operate.
It is time for a little open-hartz Ding Surgery.
I'm gonna save that for another time and place.
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna take these two doors, and I'm going to put them back together like so.
Look how much stronger they are after being apart.
Those doors belong together.
Get it? You guys are the doors.
(Gasps) And you're fighting about something really stupid.
(Cooing) Boo, I'm sorry.
Maybe I left the doors open.
No, maybe I--maybe I did.
It doesn't matter.
I-I love you.
- I love you.
- Mm.
(Brad and Jane) - Mm.
- Aw.
- Mm.
Mm.
- They're normal kissing.
Oh, my God.
Great relationship advice finally given.
Thank you, Angela Bassett! It is the power of the pants.
Bam! (Thud) He's fine.
(Dave) Everyone ready? (Lowered voice) Yeah.
Let's do this.
Now be careful.
He's very protective over his cubs.
They're both signed by Mandy Patinkin.
He sat next to us at a game once.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
All right.
You're being ridiculous.
He is not a real bear.
(Whispers) - Uh - Ohh.
(Growling) (All scream) Max! Max! Spring smackdown is over.
Spring is here.
Brad's gonna take us all to the chophouse.
Okay.
(Clatter) Let's do it.
Um Free steak for daddy.
(Chuckles) - Might get two steaks.
- Mm.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
- No problem.
- Here you go.
(Chuckles) - It's good to see you, buddy.
- It's good to see you, too.
Wait, so So I'm taking all six of us to the-- (All) Chophouse! I didn't know I was taking all of us.
Hey, maybe we should split entrees, you know? Think about appetizers or desserts.
And nobody's getting anything market price, okay, because that's how they getcha! (Penny, Alex, Dave, and Jane) Chophouse! (Sighs, high-pitched voice) Guys, I don't wanna pay for all us! You feel that sun on your face? Mm! It's so nice.
(Chuckles) Ah.
Spring's a-comin'.
They say, by tomorrow, it might even get up to 22.
(Alex) Whoo! - Wow.
(Chuckles) - Wow.
Lookin' good.
- Whoa! - Hey now! Ohh.
What an ordeal.
That is the last time I administer an at-home bro-zilian.
Speaking of which, Dave, we need more duct tape.
Noted.
You're sore, huh?