Hot In Cleveland s02e15 Episode Script

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
So Ms.
Scroggs, I am happy to say that comprehensive baby solutions finds you qualified for our assistance.
Oh, good.
Because I really want to have a baby.
But with every year that passes, the options become slimmer and slimmer.
Really? A woman your age still has plenty of time.
Oh, dear.
I put down my fake age, didn't I? Habit.
Add seven.
Then add three after that.
We have our work cut out for us, don't we? Not to worry.
We don't like to brag, but Midlife Mommy magazine rated our sperm the best in Ohio.
We have athletes, bankers, professors.
I'm gonna show you some of our most popular donors.
Oh.
He looks very smart.
Oh.
If you want education, you should try 317.
Ooh.
Maybe a little too much education.
Yes.
Everyone says they want geniuses until they see one.
Well, we—oh.
He shouldn't be here.
You can't have him.
Well, now I want him.
Who is he? Only our all-time most popular donor, number 106.
We've retired him.
Retired him? Well, we can't have too many little 106s running around.
It's really too bad, though.
Very high success rate.
Those little guys can crack through the hardest, crustiest old eggs.
And his offspring have done phenomenally.
One is on American Idol right now.
- Can I look? - We'd rather you didn't.
Oh, please? I've had a tough year.
I was engaged to a homeless man.
I almost got deported.
I accidentally shot the son I gave up for adoption.
I still haven't told you my real age.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Just Rick will be fine.
Howdy.
Oh.
Is your neighborhood watch training already over? Yes, ma'am.
And lakewood's a pretty safe neighborhood.
But Rick still gave us these pamphlets to study.
"The signs of drug abuse, how to talk to gang members, are there prostitutes in your neighborhood?" Oh, there's one right there.
So you're done with your neighborhood watch? Yeah.
Yeah, and the funniest thing happened— Great story.
So Does that mean everyone's knocked off, including Rick? Yeah.
Yeah, he's probably back at his place— - Right.
I'm off then.
- Where are you going? Out.
I won't be long.
Unless I am.
That's weird.
Joy's been disappearing a lot lately.
I just had the most depressing news from my agent.
- What's wrong? - They're making a musical of Driving Miss Daisy.
Oh, well, that's regrettable.
But why are you so upset? It's gonna be at the Cleveland Playhouse.
I wanted to audition for the lead, but the director won't even meet with me.
Honey, that's a grandmother part.
In a musical that might go to Broadway.
And beautiful actresses willing to age up are always award magnets.
Age up? [Laughing.]
Yes.
In fact, the director won't see me because he said I'd be unconvincing as an old lady.
What an insult! [Gruffer, Southern accent.]
Well, you're gonna have to do better than that, Hoke, or you'll never win the great Georgia chauffeur's race.
I-I don't remember there being a chauffeur's race in Driving Miss Daisy.
Yeah, well, they've taken a few liberties.
It doesn't matter, 'cause your old lady acting is terrible! Oh.
I suppose you could do better.
You know what? I'm gonna go all Tootsie on their ass.
I am gonna go to that audition in character as an old lady, and I'm gonna get that part.
Maybe Elka could give you some pointers.
I do love telling people what they're doing wrong.
I just came over to ask him if he'd come out of retirement.
But once I saw him, I realized I shouldn't have a baby with him! And I started crying.
So he put his arm around me to comfort me, and that turned into a massage, and the massage felt so amazing I forgot about procreation and went straight to recreation.
And now I can't stop.
And I feel so ashamed! It's like there's this filth that just can't be washed off me.
That filth is the coconut oil.
Thank you for listening.
I had to tell someone, and you're the only one who can know this ever, ever happened.
Hush, little baby.
Don't say a word.
Papa's gonna rub your upper third.
Rick, I told you the whole papa thing creeps me out, so please— Oh Oh How did you get so good at— Making love? I wish you wouldn't use that term.
It sounds cheesy.
Yes.
The sweetest cheese two people can share.
Actually, my swordsmanship came rather late in life, although I had a vast theoretical knowledge of sex due to extensive reading and film study.
How come when you're not touching me, I find you so irritating? You're no day at the beach for me either, sweet cakes.
I prefer dark Italian women.
Who live with you.
- Melanie? - She's the kind of girl you could introduce to your mother without having her yell at you.
SayYou wouldn't mind dropping a hint to her about my sexellence Would you? You leave Melanie alone.
I feel bad enough being addicted to this mixture of pleasure and shame.
I wouldn't wish it on her.
Yes.
But would you wish me On you? Yes.
But only if you please just shut up.
Of course, milady.
Your wish is my Shut up! Aah! Hey, listen to this.
It's from the pamphlet on drug abuse.
"The symptoms include evasiveness, paranoia, euphoria.
" I mean, I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but doesn't that describe the way Joy's been acting lately? Yes.
Let's lock her up.
No.
I know joy.
She can't be on drugs.
Can we still lock her up? ["Elderly" voice.]
Tea, hard candy, kleenex.
Good.
Good speed.
Now feel the lack of burn.
[Grunts.]
There.
How's that? Terrible! You used your standing up grunt for sitting down.
Oh.
Good note.
Okay, how's this? Uggghhh! Better.
Better.
You know, I need to workshop this character.
Do you think I'm ready to take her out into public? Pop quiz.
How much did a cup of coffee cost in 1947? What, you mean like a Venti or a Grande? Have you learned nothing? Oh, oh, oh! Right, right, right.
Uhyeah.
["Elderly voice".]
It cost what it should cost, not what people are charging other people around here today.
It is a conspiracy.
I saw it on Fox News! - You're ready.
- [Laughs.]
Hello, dear friends.
You're all looking fantastic tonight.
[Quietly.]
Euphoria.
I can't hear you when you whisper.
Joy, where have you been all day? Oh, you know.
Here, there, around.
Evasiveness.
Joy, you feeling okay? Better than okay.
I can't remember the last time I felt this relaxed and tension-free.
I'm gonna make lemonade for all my favorite people.
You, sweet Melanie, old lady I haven't met yet And Elka.
You adorable little button of a woman.
Yep, she's on drugs.
You got here fast.
It sounded like You needed me.
What's up? Welllt's about Joy.
I think something's gotten into her.
Something, indeed.
I just—I don't want her to get in trouble.
And I'm probably wrong, but I think she may be on something.
And since you're the neighborhood watch captain, you might know where she's getting her stuff.
I've a pretty good idea.
Can you show me? Hmm.
As much as I'd like to— Oh, please, please.
I heard her on the phone.
She said she wanted it tonight and she needed it bad.
She's got a powerful monkey on her back, all right.
You said at the meeting that there was a spot where it all goes down.
Can you please take me there? Okay.
I'll go get the van.
I just need to, uh, I need to cancel a previous engagement.
[Phone rings.]
Line's busy.
I'll call back later.
Oh, this place is too crowded, too noisy, and too expensive! $6.
00 for a beer.
Well, I remember when you could get a bucket of suds for 4 bits, dagnabbit! You're from Lakewood, not Deadwood.
Good note.
Oh, my God.
Robert Mactavish is at the bar.
He's the director of Daisy.
He's the one who said I couldn't play old.
WellI'll show him.
Scoot over, sonny.
Or move over, scooter.
Sorry.
Please, sit down.
Arrruuumm.
Well, there's no need to be sorry.
But if you want to make it up to me, I am a bit parched.
I'm drier than a revival meeting during prohibition.
Gladly.
I'm Robert Mactavish.
Oh, well I'm Millicent Ostrovsky.
I can't see anyone.
A good surveillance takes time.
We could be in this van all night.
Champagne.
What's that for? Uh it's part of our cover.
In case anyone asks, this is a first date.
That's why I, uh, brought you these lilies.
You mentioned one time they were your favorite.
Oh, that's so sweet! And a little odd.
But no champagne.
Thank you.
I don't want to be out of it in case we have to separate Joy from her dealer.
You'll need a crowbar.
Perhaps you would prefer a little grass.
What? No.
We're supposed to shut down drugs in this neighborhood.
Hey, mellow.
I'm only talking about wheat grass juice.
Then why didn't you say wheat grass juice? Saying grass is quicker.
"Hey, you want a cup of grass?" "Is that fresh-squeezed grass?" See? Quicker.
Can we just do our stakeout? I'm feeling some negative tension from you.
A proper surveillance demands a peaceful, easy feeling.
I'm sorry, I'm just I'm worried.
Yeah.
Close your eyes for a minute and just listen to the music.
Rick, what are you— - Oh what are you— - Doing? Relaxing you.
You want me to stop? Um in a minute.
Oh, wow, Rick, that feels so good.
You bastard! You're sleeping with her too? Oh, my God! She's high as a kite! This is your urgent neighborhood watch business? And I brought you a hoagie in case you got hungry! Ooh! What kind? - What is going on here? - That's what I'd like to know.
I was just trying to keep her from finding out about us.
- With a backrub? - Wait, wait, wait.
You two are an "us"? You've had the massage.
Can you blame me? I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I can't help thinking you'd be a perfect miss Daisy.
Oh, I'm just flattered that you would ask an unknown actress like myself to audition.
But even if things don't work out with the musical, I hope we can still be friends or More than friends? I'm sorry? I'm drawn to women like you.
Attractive, intelligent, wise.
Old? Mature and full of life experience.
Yes.
Until later, then? Your hand is remarkably smooth and wrinkle-free.
Hello! There's an age spot.
What? I mean Oh, well, that little thing? [Laughs and snorts.]
Oh, well I best get back to my little sister.
Okay.
He's coming by the house tonight to audition me for Daisy.
- Congratulations! - Yeah, but I think he wants more than an audition.
Oh! He's a wrinkle chaser.
What—that's a thing? Oh, they're all over the place.
That's why I had to stop mall walking.
Okay.
New plan.
I am gonna nail this audition and get this part.
But I am not gonna reveal my real self until opening night.
In the meantime, I'm just gonna tease him along all through rehearsal.
So you're gonna have to teach me the grunt for sexy.
It's the same as sitting down.
Uugghaaaahh.
[Both laughing.]
Again, I'm sorry I thought you were on drugs.
It's not as weird as what I was really on.
Is he really that good? Remember those giant muffins we loved until we found out they were like a thousand calories each? He's that good.
He's muffin good.
No! Yes! Well, we're just gonna have to do for each other what we did with the muffins.
Just eat the top? I'll stop you from having any more - and you'll stop me.
- Right.
We've got to be strong.
Shall we go in? Actually, I think I'm gonna go for a walk.
- I'm feeling a little tense.
- Right.
Hey, wait a minute! You're gonna go back to him, aren't you? Oh! I can't help it! I want my love muffin.
Get me inside! And, hoke, I'm glad I got to see you win that chauffeur's race before I died.
And now I must pass.
I hope there's integration in heaven So that you can drive me for all of eternity.
Oh! That was wonderful.
Tears! Come.
Sit down next to me.
Uuggghh.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
Was my underwear showing this whole time? You are driving me crazy, miss Daisy! Oh, you naughty boy, now! I bet you do that with all the girls.
So who else auditioned anyway? Oh, my God, every once-great star you can think of came out of the woodwork.
Have you ever heard the soap opera actress Victoria Chase? Oh.
The actress who won the Emmy? Gorgeous, talented.
Carried Edge of Tomorrow for 27 years.
Yes, I believe I have heard of her.
Well, even she wanted to try out for this part.
Oh! Well, bless my corn.
She would have been fabulous.
Are you kidding me? She's a one-note wonder.
The only time that she was a one-note wonder was when she was in the movie One-note Wonder.
Come on.
She's a soap actress.
Uuhh! I will have you know, Mr.
Mactavish, that soap opera actresses work harder than anybody else in this business.
We— they create characters that people take into their hearts for decades.
Now, you are nothing but a theatrical snob, and I do not care to be in your play.
But you would be so perfect with our Hoke.
What am I gonna tell Tito Jackson? I want you to get out of my house.
I will not be your Daisy or your girlfriend.
ButI-I think you're amazing and talented, and I'm confused.
Why would you care so much what I think of Victoria Chase? Because I am Victoria Chase, you idiot! You know, I've always been afraid of getting old.
But I don't know, after walking a mile in Elka's naturalizers, I feel a little less scared.
You don't give a damn what people think and, you know, it's freeing.
There's something kind of wonderful about accepting the age you are and not fighting it all the time.
That does sound nice.
Maybe that's what I should do.
I keep feeling this pressure that if I want to get pregnant, it has to be right away.
But there's other ways I can have a child in my life.
I think I'm gonna relax about it Maybe go back to trying to find the right guy.
Well, there's no rush for that either, you know, as long as those wrinkle chasers are around.
I don't know whether to be happy they exist or totally grossed out.
Well, if can imagine anything sexually, somebody's into it.
Who can really judge? I had sex with Rick.
I'll tell you who can judge—I can.
Are you insane? How could this even happen? It's a very heart-warming story.
It turns out he's the number one sperm donor at the fertility clinic I went to.
Hmm.
And how do you get that distinction? Same way you get to Carnegie Hall— Practice, practice, practice.
Ladies Rick, we said 300 feet.
I've only come over to invite any and all of you to a homemade pizza dinner.
I will be kneading the dough myself With slow, steady pressure.
Ooh.
We don't want you! Or your gifted hands.
I believe the lady is asking you to leave.
You seem rather tense.
Yes, well, I've had a tough day.
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
Oh, don't even try it— Oh, God! OhOh Oh, oh, ohdon't stop.
Sorry about that.
- Here you go, handsome.
- Thank you, mister.
Ladies.
Yep.
They're all over town.