How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e15 Episode Script

1
Upbeat theme playing ♪
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
[to the tune of The Dreidel
Song]: Sandwich, ♪
Sandwich, sandwich, I
made you out of stuff ♪
- La la la la la ♪
- Ah!
No time for sandwiches! Look at this!
"Goliath Market seeks
in-house photographer
to create food content
for our social platforms"!
- Uh, hey, I work at Goliath Market.
- I know!
And I'm a photographer! Who loves food.
- We could be work besties!
- Oh, my God!
I've never had a work bestie before!
But, wait. Since when do you
want a 9-to-5 job?
You've always been like, "Cubicles?
More like pubicles!"
[laughing]
God, I'm funny.
Ellen was right, though.
For a long time,
I loved the hustle
of freelance photography,
but I was tired of not knowing
where my next paycheck was coming from.
I needed to get that job.
When they say 9-to-5,
do they mean wake up at 9:00
or be there at 9:00?
Um, be there.
Woof! [laughs]
Anyway, could you maybe
put in a good word for me
with the higher-ups?
I could really use the job.
Okay, I got you.
I will nudge the higher-ups so hard,
they'll be like,
"Ow, Ellen! Too hard!" [giggles]
Yes! This is so exciting!
We're gonna work together!
Uh, Sophie, these jobs
are really competitive,
so there's no guarantee you'll get it.
I got it!
I start on Monday!
Yes!
[cheering]
Congrats! My girl's finally gonna
have health insurance!
Nice! You can stop
getting physicals at Costco.
Ellen, thank you so much
for vouching for me. I owe you.
If you wanna get into
my comedy self-defense class,
just say the word.
You'd be great at Improv-Maga.
- Okay, people! I need a location!
- WOMAN: Neck.
Neck! Thank you very much.
And I need an attack.
- MAN: Hook punch.
- Hook punch! You heard it.
Kill him, Sophie! Come on! Kill him!
I hear that's how
Conan O'Brien keeps it tight.
[laughs] SOPHIE: Wait.
Should we walk to
work together on Monday?
Oh. [scoffs] Sister, we're gonna
do way more than just walk.
Ellen's theme song playing ♪
Got the world ♪
In my own hands ♪
- I'm going to work, work, work ♪
-
- And so am I, I, I ♪
-
We have it all, all, all ♪
He almost died, died, died ♪
Get out of our way! ♪
Why is Val hanging out
with someone who isn't us?
- We don't do that.
- Oh.
That's her psychic, Madame Deborah.
Doing house calls this week
'cause her tent's being
fumigated for termites.
So, they tented her tent?
Unclear. She just gave me a reading,
and get this.
Prosperity is right around the corner!
Come on, Charles.
Really? You buy into
this psychic nonsense?
I do now!
You know,
I always wanted to see a psychic.
Mother said it was sorcery.
Although, oddly enough,
I was allowed to see an actual sorcerer.
Oh, Rincewind. You know,
I would spend hours on his couch,
talking about my fears and anxieties.
And you're sure that wasn't
just a real psychiatrist
that your parents told you was a sorcerer
to make it seem more fun?
Well, if he wasn't a real sorcerer,
how could he have given me those
magic beans that cured my ADHD, huh?
Oh, yeah.
God, I love that woman!
She said I was, quote,
"Finding my path."
Ugh. Of course,
they're gonna tell you good stuff.
That's how they keep you coming back!
- Open your eyes, sheeple!
- She does not only tell me good stuff.
She told me choppy waters were approaching
before I started dating Andrew Giuliani.
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!
I literally rounded the corner,
and found money.
Prosperity around the corner,
just like she said.
I'll bet she planted it there
just to make herself seem more legit.
Oh, and did she plant
the orgy I walked in on
- at Andrew Giuliani's townhouse, too?
- CHARLIE: Hm?
I think the real reason
you're such a naysayer
is because you're afraid to learn
what the future holds for you.
Ugh, that's absurd.
You know what?
I will go talk to her, okay?
But just to see how full of it she is.
And then, I really need to hear more
about this Giuliani thing.
♪
Okay, let's see
what we have here today, Mister
Love Machine?
Yep, that's me.
[excited giggle]
And I need 50 CCs of snuggles, stat!
HANNAH: God [gasps]
What are you doing here, babe?
I told you I wanted
to make a real effort
of giving LA a chance, so here I am.
Aw
Wow. So, this is how
Cali doctors roll, huh?
Not how I pictured it.
Really? Well, how'd you picture it?
Scalpel.
Sultry music playing ♪
Forceps.
Sushi.
Um, just different, I guess.
Anyway, um, how about when you get off,
we go on one of those
Runyon Canyon hikes you love so much.
I read that's where they walk the dog
from the Old Yeller reboot.
Young Yeller?
Oh, sure. I was gonna stay
for a party we're having
for our friend Eli who just passed
his boards, but I'll skip it.
What? No, you're not missing that.
I came here to experience
your LA life, okay?
Work parties included.
[Hannah giggles]
Oh!
Hoo, sorry.
Sorry, I didn't see anything. I promise
I'm not gonna tell your husband.
Oh, very funny, Eli. This is my husband.
I know. I'm kidding.
Sid, the man, the myth, the legend.
You guys coming to my little shindig?
Fingers crossed it's not a repeat
of when Daverman passed the board.
[both laugh]
HANNAH: Oh, don't worry.
I won't let this event go full Daverman.
Problem is, you never see
a Daverman coming.
[both laugh]
Someone tell me who Daverman is,
so I can enjoy this, too.
♪
In all my years,
I've never met such a doomed young man.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Uh
What just happened?
What did she predict for you?
It's honestly so embarrassing,
I can barely bring myself to say it.
[laughs] Okay, fine.
She said I was gonna die tonight.
[Jesse laughing]
Oh, I haven't been fed
a pile of crap like that
since Truth or Dare night at farm camp.
Oh.
Wow, that is That is pretty out there.
Look, I think we can all agree
that Madame Deb is full of it,
so peace, suckers.
She's never been wrong before,
but maybe she's having an off day.
[electric fizzle] [glass shatters]
- He's a dead man.
- His time has come.
♪
[office chatter]
- Oh, my God.
- Ooh.
I love it here!
There's a big phone on my desk,
and sometimes, it rings,
and I'm like, "Go for Sophie."
[both laugh]
Oh! Sophie, Ellen.
I see you two have
become fast friends. Love it.
Oh, no! No, no.
We know each other from before.
- Remember she sent that recommendation?
- That's right! I did. [laughs]
Remember, I-I sent you that long email
about my best friend Sophie,
and h-how she'd be perfect for the job?
No, never got it, and you know
I'm a stickler for inbox organization.
[laughs] Well, I'm a stickler
for remembering when I send
vouching emails to my boss,
so it appears that you and I
are in a stickler standoff. [laughs]
I'll have IT open a ticket.
ELLEN: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
You never sent that email, did you?
Not exactly, no.
But, enough with this internet stuff.
You know, whatever happened to real life?
Uh, did you recommend me in real life?
No
♪
♪
You sure you wanna do this, babe?
It's just a bunch of nerdy surgeons.
Your boy can hang with surgeons.
I went to med school for a hot minute.
I can talk about anything.
I mean, call me Professor Klump
because I am well-rounded. [laughs]
Oh, you guys talking Nutty Professor?
Great movie.
Classic case of hypothyroidism,
am I right? [laughter]
Well, wasn't it just
that Klump drank that potion
that reconstructed his DNA
to make him thinner and cooler?
No, babe, it's this game we play
where we take characters from movies,
and we diagnose them
with actual medical conditions.
Oh Okay, that is hilarious.
Okay, I'm gonna try one.
Got it. Tom Hanks.
Philadelphia. AIDS.
Um, technically true,
but it's not really
how the game is played.
Fine, I'ma try another one.
Uh Uh
Matthew McConaughey,
Dallas Buyers Club
Let's talk about something else.
[relieved chatter]
♪
I just don't understand.
Why did you not send that recommendation?
Sophie, I'm sorry. I totally forgot.
I have a lot on my plate, and it just
It just slipped my mind.
Okay!
I literally just came up
with the best idea in history!
Since you two are
self-described best friends,
I'm teaming you up to pitch
on the next big veggie re-brand!
Wait. You don't mean
the cabbage account?
Indeed I do. [laughs]
Our research shows that
the average cabbage consumer
is 97 years old.
We need to figure out how to
make cabbage seem hip and young,
like we did with broccolini.
What!? That was you guys?
I literally had
a broccolini smoothie this morning.
Thousands of cabbage farmers
are depending on your friendship.
[nervous laughter] [Mark muttering]
Hey. We've got our work cut out for us.
The only thing I know about cabbage
are the patch kids and this dance.
- Oh! Go, Sophie
- No!
Still pissed at you.
You do not get to enjoy me.
♪
Hey, buddy.
We just thought we'd stop by
since we were in the neighborhood
Of your favorite restaurant.
Wow! Lasagna Alfredo Al Forno?
That's so nice!
Wait. You're not nice. What's going on?
I can't do this. Jesse, we think
you're a dead man walking. [whimpers]
What, you think Madame Deborah's right?
Oh, my God. This is a last meal.
You're last meal-ing me.
Jesse, a light fixture
fell from the ceiling,
Final Destination-style,
as soon as you left the bar.
Yeah, that place is a mess!
Two weeks ago, the jukebox exploded.
It doesn't mean I'm dying tonight.
Well, Madame Deborah
has never been wrong before.
She even predicted there was gonna be
a High School Musical
The Musical The Series!
Anyone would have predicted that.
It's a slam-dunk franchise.
Jesse, on the off chance
that this woman is correct,
we would like to give you
a fabulous last evening.
So, please, tell us your dying wishes
before you're dragged to hell.
- What?
- Or heaven.
Maybe he's done a lot
of nice shit we've never seen.
Can you two please discuss
the fate of my soul somewhere else?
I have a Warby Parker virtual
try-on appointment to attend to, so
[slicing]
I guess I could whip up a quick
bucket list for us to chip away at.
♪
So I told him, "Don't you dare
stop fighting, Mr. Ramirez."
"Because if you die,"
"the Zamboni wins." [soft laugh]
Okay, you saved one man.
How many are there? Like, a million?
Something like that. So, Sid,
Hannah tells me that y-you own a bar?
Sid is amazing!
He can make, like, any drink.
She's right. You guys ever had
a Whiskey Richard?
DOCTOR: No
- Where's the bourbon?
- Damn, I don't think we have any.
Although, there's a liquor store
across the street,
but it's raining
pretty hard right now, so
Heh, heh.
You think I'm scared of a little rain?
Oh no, is there a light breeze, too?
I'm a New Yorker, Eli.
I can handle a little drizz.
Man, I thought LA people were soft,
but this is, hoo,
next level [screams] [shoes squeak]
♪
And then I'll say,
"The true essence of cabbage is"
- And then you'll say, "Friendship."
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I remember.
Because one of us has a working memory.
Great dig. You know, you're coming at
me with a lot of big-dig
energy right now.
Can we just please move forward
with our lives?
Oh, forward.
What you were supposed to do
with my resume,
but didn't.
Sophie, you're being a tad annoying.
Ying.
What I was supposed to be to your yang.
Okay, you know what?
I didn't forget to recommend you.
I didn't wanna vouch for you
because I wasn't sure
you could hold down a real job.
- Why not?
- You thought 9-to-5
meant that you wake up at 9:00.
- A lot of people think that!
- No, they don't!
It doesn't make any sense! Everyone
would just show up at different times!
Let's get ready to cabbage!
Woo! [laughs]
Let's just get through the presentation,
- and then we'll talk about it later.
- Not a problem.
Ladies and gentlemen! [laughs]
Welcome to the future,
where cabbage isn't just
an ingredient anymore.
It's an experience.
An experience to be shared.
BOTH: Rip it and share it!
The next generation of cabbage
is about bringing people together
because the true essence of cabbage is
[clears throat]
Sophie? D-D-Don't you wanna
say friendship?
Uh, I don't know, Ellen.
I was just thinking about
all the different kinds
of cabbage there are.
There's Napa cabbage, and purple,
- and then there's selfish.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Those are the three cabbages? Mm-hmm.
The selfish cabbages are always
just looking out for themselves.
You know, not really supportive
of their cabbage friends.
Or maybe, they're the ones
who worked really, really hard
to get where they are,
and they just can't risk
throwing it all away
for some flaky blonde cabbage
who lucked their way into the job.
Wait, the cabbage has a job? I'm lost.
The selfish cabbage said
they were sorry. What else do you want?
I want you
to think that I'm good enough
to be here,
to get off of your high horse
and just be a supportive friend.
Cabbage.
Ellen, my office.
♪
Oh, you banged yourself up pretty good,
sweetie. Does this hurt?
[high-pitched scream]
[deep voice]: Hey, 'sup, player?
Uh, the good news is nothing's broken.
But, you do have a pretty
gnarly coccyx contusion,
so, I'm sorry to say [Hannah sighs]
no lower-body intensive activities
for a while.
Sorry, Sid.
Or should I say, sorry, Hannah.
[both laugh]
Funny, but not right now.
Okay, you know what, funny guy?
I think I'd like to get
an opinion from someone
who didn't just pass his boards,
like, three hours ago.
You know, I don't get it.
I've been so nice to you
Eli, could you just give us a sec?
Alright.
Sid, what is going on with you?
Why are you being so rude?
You have this whole world
over here without me.
And I-I'm not a doctor.
I don't know Daverman.
And Eli's so handsome.
And I suck at the AIDS game.
What about Eli?
It's just you guys get to spend
all this time together.
You guys have a million inside jokes.
It's a lot.
I'm sorry, babe.
I'm really tanking this LA thing.
If you had more time,
you would crush LA.
But I'm afraid you're not
gonna get that chance.
Oh, my God, am I dying?
No, Sid.
I've decided to move to New York.
But But you love LA.
You have this whole
amazing life over here.
Yeah, but I love you more.
And you're a New Yorker.
Really?
Really.
Thank you.
[pained groaning]
Okay.
Mm
So, what's the Daverman story, anyway?
Oh, it's nothing.
He shit his pants.
Aloha! [Hawaiian music playing]
Okay, I know it's not quite the real deal,
but we can check
"go to Hawaii" off your bucket list.
It was Helsinki.
I always wanted to go to Helsinki.
Really?
Oh, bro, you should work
on your penmanship.
Oh, there's probably not enough time
Okay! Thank you very much! Right!
Per your list, I have
reached out to Terry Gross
about interviewing you.
She said, and I quote,
"It's called Fresh Air,
not Who The Hell Is That Guy Air."
Terry Gross said that?
No. The "she" in this story
is her very rude intern, Bailey.
Is there anything on this list
that we can actually achieve?
Uh, "be the musical guest on SNL." No.
"Be the musical guest and host on SNL."
Jesse
Uh, "become a dad."
We might be able to pull that
last one off without you.
- How cold does your freezer get?
- Ooh, I'll get a cup!
♪
[indistinct yelling]
- I've never seen anything
- It's all my fault, okay?
- Sophie, what are you
- She's right.
I am a work in progress.
But, Ellen is the best,
and if you fire her,
you are out of your goddamn mind,
Mark Flarkson.
My last name is Cruz,
and I'm not firing Ellen.
I'm conducting a wellness check.
I am, however, considering firing you
because you took one of my best employees
and made her act really weird.
- I understand.
- No!
You can't fire her.
Let me tell you why
Sophie Tompkins is the best.
- Oh boy.
- ELLEN: Sure,
she's rough around the edges
and can barely conduct herself in general,
let alone in an office.
I mean, sometimes,
if you stand close to her, you can hear
her quietly chanting her own name. Like,
[whispers] Sophie, Sophie
- You can hear that?
- Mm-hmm.
- I thought that was just in my head.
- But,
here are 50 reasons why
Sophie's perfect for Goliath. One
No! She can stay.
Just please stop advocating
for each other,
and go finish the cabbage campaign!
[sighs]
- Thank you so much, Mr. Flarkson-Cruz.
It's just Cruz.
- And I promise, no more drama.
- Mm-hmm.
Sophie! Ellen! I love you!
I'm sorry.
It's just, I may be dying tonight.
No more drama starting now.
♪
[sighs] How do I look?
Like a man who's ready to go.
Agreed. Open casket chic.
I still don't know what's going on.
- Me neither. Just act like you care.
- CHARLIE: Ooh!
Fifteen seconds to midnight.
Places, people.
[Jesse sighs]
Okay.
Ten.
Nine. Eight
Goodbye, old friend. Six.
Five. Four
May the angels sing thee to thy rest.
Two. One!
I'm alive.
I'm alive.
Ha! I knew it all along! [Ellen scoffs]
Really? Then, why'd you show up
at my work to say goodbye to us?
What? For these dumb-dumbs! [laughs]
Y'all must be feeling
pretty stupid right now.
Me? [scoffs] I still don't even know
why we're here.
Alright, well,
I've got work tomorrow morning,
which I will be attending
because I am very much alive.
Sorry, Jesse. Our bad.
But she's never wrong.
ELLEN:
Please do not show up at my work again.
Alright. I guess I'm never gonna die.
[door shuts]
[choking, gasping]
[snapping]
[gulps, gasps]
Guys! What if they meant Pacific Time?
♪
The next morning,
our cabbage campaign went live.
♪
Ellen! Look over there.
[inaudible]
Look over there!
[inaudible]
And over there!
[inaudible]
Oh, and over there!
[inaudible]
Oh, my God, Sophie, look around.
It's everywhere.
- We did it!
BOTH: We did it!
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
There's no way that's how it happened.
Every single person was eating
a cabbage almost immediately?
That's the way I remember it,
so that's how it happened.