iCarly s02e15 Episode Script
iDate A Bad Boy
Okay.
That one? Yeah.
Okay.
And this one over here? Okay.
This one over here.
Out with that.
There it is.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And now see, this proves you should never let Sam and me give you a haircut.
Now get outta here, Alex.
Thank you for volunteering your hair.
Thanks, Alex.
Bye.
Sorry about that.
All right, that's it for tonight.
We'll see you next Time on I car Ly.
Buh-buh-buh-buh-byeeeee.
And we're clear.
That was good.
I--and I enjoyed it.
I-- sure, you guys.
I was actually-- I was really impressed with your haircuts.
That was pretty fantastic.
Okay, okay, you guys wanna know what I thought the best of the show was? No.
Move.
Tch-tch! You know, if you wanna use my laptop, you could ask.
I could if I respected you.
Oh, you guys wanna see something really gross? No.
No.
Cool, check out this video.
It's called neck infection.
Aaaaaaaah! Ewww! Ew-ew-ew-ew! Eww! Eww! That is horrible.
Come on, watch this next part.
It's really funny.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, no! Oh, that's sick.
Aah! Yeah.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 I know you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and a time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give it your best and leave the rest to me leave it all to me leave it all to me just leave it all to me Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Hey.
Unh! Oh! Unh! Okay, are you folding that laundry or assaulting it? I don't know.
I am so angry.
Someone stole my motorcycle.
No.
Oh, yeah.
I bought you that motorcycle.
Well, apparently that doesn't mean much to whatever jerk hopped on it and went And whee, bye! Did you call the cops? Yeah, they left a few minutes ago.
They're gonna ask people around the building if they saw anyone suspicious hanging around the garage.
Who's that? Got your motorcycle back.
No way.
Really? Well, who took it? Uh, I think this guy can answer that question.
You know who took it? He took it.
We found him in the garage on your bike.
I was bringing it back.
I didn't steal it.
I took it for a little joyride.
Well, what about my joy? Yeah, look what you made him do to our laundry.
I'm gonna have to refold most of that.
And how did you get my motorcycle started? What, did you hot-wire it? I didn't have to.
You left these in the ignition.
You okay, monkey? I didn't mess with your monkey.
You wanna press charges, right? Yeah, he does.
Let him go.
Spencer? It's your lucky day.
Stay out of trouble.
Yeah, maybe.
Hey, would you get me some juice? Juice? No.
I'm not getting you any juice.
Why don't you just leave our building? I can't.
I live here.
You--since when? My family moved in this morning, 4-g.
Ah, great.
Our new neighbors, the Thiefen-Hymers.
Ah, my name is Griffin.
Cool robot.
Thanks.
Maybe it's something you'd like to steal.
Where'd you buy this? Uh, I made it.
You got talent.
Yeah, well.
I, uh, draw a little.
I mean, I'm not sayin' I'm great.
But I, uh, I designed this.
Well, bye.
Good luck in prison.
Can I hit your bathroom? No.
Around that corner.
He's a delinquent.
Why are you talking to him and letting him use our bathroom? I don't want that guy touching our fancy soap.
Come on, he didn't really steal my bike, and I don't know, he kinda reminds me of myself when I was his age.
He's nothing like you were.
Yeah, but he's what I wished I was like.
Anyway, he seems like an okay kid.
He just needs a little-- you guys got cool soap in there.
I knew it.
Anyway, um, thanks for lettin' me off the hook.
Ah, you're not completely off the hook.
What do you-- I'm workin' on a new sculpture.
I could use some help.
Sounds cool.
Dude? Shh.
Try not to speak.
Come by tomorrow after school.
Sure thing.
See ya.
See ya.
Want some dinner? Just the two of us, or are you gonna invite a murderer to join us? Oh, gross.
Eww.
Is that the greatest video or what? It's horrible.
Here, click on the next one.
Back in a sec.
Oh.
What's up, Freddio? I'm not lending you money.
I don't want your money.
I want you to do a little job for me.
Well, I have no idea what it is, but no.
Come on, I wanna take all the videos I collect and I wanna put 'em up on my own Web site: sampuckett.
com.
And now you want me to build you a Web site for free.
No, I got 50 bucks to pay ya.
Where'd you get 50 bucks? I sold my textbooks.
It's the middle of the semester.
I don't care.
They were heavy.
So, build me a Web site? Okay, but we're gonna put it in writing that you gotta pay me 50 bucks as soon as it's done.
No prob.
My mom's dating a lawyer this week.
I'll have him write us a contract.
Good.
There.
So, is it done? Oh, no.
See, a sculpture should have character.
We need to give it character.
And how do we do that? With our character sledgehammers.
You just wanna put the heavy part right in thereUu-aah! Well, go, kid.
Aah.
Whoo-aah! Aah! Aah! Yaaaah! Unh-aah! Unh! Uu-nnnnnhh! Aah! What are you doing? Finishing my new sculpture.
'Sup.
'Sup nothin'.
Come here.
What? He's here again.
So? That's five times this week.
I've taken him under my wing.
I'm mentoring him.
Well, I'm tired of him.
He's a criminal.
But-- criminal.
And I brought Wendy here so we can study together.
Okay, you can study upstairs.
Why does he always have-- okay, here's the plan.
Griffin, I want you to paint that stand purple.
Carly, you and uh Wendy.
Wendy, of course, how are you? So, you guys go study.
And I'm gonna go get all four of us smoothies.
Don't you wanna take this with you? Be nice.
Be nice.
You just watch it.
Come on, Wendy.
Where are you goin'? To study.
So keep it quiet down here.
Turn it off! And if you click here, you get a pull-down menu that takes you to all your videos and you could sort 'em alphabetically, by date, or by grossness.
Pretty rockin' web site, huh? Yeah, but I wrote down some other stuff I want on the site.
Here.
Whoa, this is a lot of notes.
Yup.
What am I supposed to do with this drawing of me being attacked by a tiger? Nothin'.
I just got bored.
This is too much work.
Uh, the contract that we both signed says you gotta make any changes I want or else you don't get paid.
What? Oh, I am callin' that lawyer your mom's dating.
Too late.
She's dating a rabbi now.
Hey, Spencer.
Hi.
Whoa, I almost didn't recognize you guys not sitting on my couch.
How goes it? Good.
Bad.
Well, then.
Hey, can I help you? Yeah, I need four large smoothies, make two of 'em, strawberry splats and-- you want some bagels? What? We sell bagels now.
Oh, cool, but no, I don't want any bagels.
Just two strawberry splat smoothies and-- try some bagels.
I don't want any bagels.
Come on, don't be a jerk.
A jerk? Dude, I just want smoothies.
What do you got against bagels? All right, all right, I'll take a dozen bagels too, okay? Here.
Thanks.
But the bagels won't be ready for an hour.
Gas bubble.
Hmm.
Aaaaaaah! Let's just recap.
You steal my motorcycle, I don't have you arrested, I invite you into my home, I teach you about the joys of sculpting, I'm forced to wait an hour for bagels I didn't even want, and then I come home to find you chewing on my sister's face.
We were kissing.
Guilty.
I kissed him first.
Out.
Come on, man.
I'll talk to you later.
Out.
I will call you.
Okay.
You'll call no one, ever.
Wait, what are you doing? Wait.
What? Ow.
Yeah.
I don't underst--how did-- when I left here to go get smoothies, you hated him.
How did you go from hate to Mmwwahhhh? Well, Wendy and I were trying to study but Griffin kept turning up the music, so Wendy got frustrated and left.
Then I told Griffin he was obnoxious and he said I should rent a sense of humor and I said, "oh, really?" And then while I was telling him how immature he was, I realized he's super-cute.
And he asked me if I like music, so I go, "who doesn't like music?" So then I turned on some music and we started talking and I realized he's really sweet and smart and his lips were right there in front of me so I leaned over and I kissed 'em.
And I don't kiss like Mmwwahhh.
I kiss like a princess.
You are grounded for Till college.
For till college? For till college.
Why? For kissing that delinquent.
You're the one who took him under your wing.
Well, this wing shall flap no more.
Griffin is never allowed up here again, and you're never allowed to have any contact with him.
Why? What did I do that was so bad? Oh, you know, lipsy.
I'm almost 15.
How old were you when you started kissing girls? Elev--that is not the issue.
The issue is you're totally overreacting.
Say whatever you want, you're so grounded.
Unh! Wait, wait, wait.
What? It's perfect now.
Don't hit it again.
Am I ungrounded and can I hang out with Griffin? No, you are not and no you can not.
Aah! Hey, did you look at the changes I made to your site? Yeah.
It's lookin' awesome.
Good.
And it gave me some new ideas.
I want you to do these changes.
And these.
Oh, and these.
All this? By tomorrow, okay? No.
We have a contract.
Uh, not anymore.
Just forget it.
Don't pay me.
I don't care, and-- hey.
What?! Oh, Carly, I'm--I'm sorry.
Sam, she's just being--oh! Dude, what are you wearing? This.
Spencer refused to give me my allowance unless I wore this to school.
Just 'cause he caught you makin' out with that Griffin guy? I wasn't making out with him.
I just kissed him, over and over and over.
Well, how could you not have called me? 'Cause it all happened so fast.
And then Spencer confiscated my phone.
I had to sneak downstairs while he was in the shower just to send you that e-mail.
Ahem.
Oh, my God, you're here.
Yeah.
Hot outfit.
Sam, Griffin.
Griffin, this is my best friend Sam.
Hi.
What's up, hot lips? Sam.
So you go to school here? Nah, Bolton.
I ditched homeroom.
To come see me? Yeah.
If I go to your apartment, your brother's gonna taze me or somethin'.
Ah, I've been tazed.
It's not so bad.
It's actually kind of a rush.
Anyway, I'll leave you two to it.
Nice.
You miss me? Yeah.
I would've come down but Spencer won't let me out of his sight.
He drove me to school, he's gonna pick me up.
Well, I am just psyched I got to see you, even wearing that.
Hey! I thought you might show up here.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing? Protecting you.
Do you know this guy? That's Spencer.
Huh? Oh.
Yeah, it's me.
See? Aah.
Ow.
Aw, man, I think I used too much glue.
Why are you wearing that disguise? So no one will notice me.
Aah.
Howdy.
Um, good morning.
When did you start workin' here? Um, today.
Oh.
You in the union? Ah, shoosh yeah.
Way in the union.
Well, how come I haven't seen you at the meetings? Hey, stop.
Fake janitor.
What are you doing here, huh? I didn't do anything to you.
I think people are noticing you.
What do you think you're doing here? What is that? A pressure-sensitive trigger plate.
Oh, cool, I've always wanted a pressure-sensitive trigger plate.
You can make jokes but this is gonna help me make sure you behave.
I always behave.
Yeah, when you're not rubbin' gums with bad boys.
Who kisses with gums? And what is that thing? It's an alarm.
When you step on it, it sets off a loud siren so you can't sneak out while I'm sleeping or bathing or stuck to something.
Step aside.
I guess it needs more weight to set it off.
When are you gonna realize that you're overreacting and that there's nothing bad about a girl who's almost 15 kissing a guy she really likes? Carly, look, in some ways, I do get what you're saying.
But no matter how old you are, you're always gonna be my baby sister.
Oh, you know I'm not a baby anymore.
Two weeks ago I sent you to the drugstore to pick up-- I don't wanna talk about it.
You swore you'd never bring it up again.
Oh, and I'm the baby.
Look, I just don't wanna see you grow up too fast.
I wanna always make sure that-- Hey, Spencer.
Hi, Larry.
Uh, this package that you-- wait.
Would you just step in here a little bit? Sure.
Your trigger plate really isn't that pressure-sensitive.
Um, this package you left downstairs to mail out, it needs one more stamp.
Oh, here, I got one.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Here's your smoothie.
Thanks.
You want a bagel with that? Don't start with me.
Why are you here? I'm meeting some guys from the a-v club.
Man, this place is goin' downhill fast.
So, did you finish your Web site? Nope.
I sold it.
What do you mean you sold it? I mean, there's a guy named Sam Puckett who's been tryin' to buy sampuckett.
com from me for over a year, so I called him up and I sold him the Web site.
Are you serious? Uh-huh.
He loved the work you did on it, paid me a thousand bucks.
Good, 'cause you owe me 50% of that money.
No way.
Our contract says I get half of all profits you make from the Web site.
Oh, you mean the contract you ripped up and threw away? Aw, don't feel bad.
Here.
Go buy yourself a bagel.
Thought you were still grounded.
He-- I'll answer.
She's allowed to leave the apartment if she's with me, which she is.
Ooh, you got me.
Look, griffin-- all right, can you guys both just cut it out? He started it.
No, you started it when you stole my motorcycle then besmooched my sister.
She besmooched me.
Besmooched? You know what? You're an idiot.
Griffin.
Oh, am I? He's not an idiot.
He just overreacted, but it's only 'cause he loves me.
He treats you like a little kid.
He treats me like a little sister.
Man, he totally brainwashed you.
Well, maybe my brain needed a little washing.
Why don't you just shoot me a text when you grow up.
Yeah, I don't think I will.
Promise? Why don't you just go steal something and then go uuh-uuh, I stole something.
Okay, freaks.
Late.
Ugh, can you believe him? No, I can't.
I'm sorry.
I know you really liked him.
It's okay.
I'm cool.
Still wanna go see a movie? Or I could go rent a movie, and you could pick up some Thai food, and then we could meet back at home.
Sound like a plan? Only if the movie has either ninjas, monsters or very large trucks.
Okay.
I'll see if they have "revenge of the monster ninja trucks.
" Awesome.
See you in a few.
Okay.
Yeah.
Aah! Aah! Ohh You should be an actress.
You were better than I was.
So he bought it? He thinks we totally hate each other? Totally.
Okay, the Thai restaurant's on the north end, so that gives us 40 minutes before Spencer comes home.
Enough time to listen to four new songs I downloaded for you.
And maybe kiss a little? If you're lucky.
I feel lucky.
But the best part was when you went, "but maybe my brain needs a little washing.
" No, the best part was when Aaaaaaaah! I--I thought I may be an idiot but I'm not stupid.
You guys have fun.
Not that much fun.
It's here, it's here I cannot believe it's here it's here, it's here and it's here, here, here so it's here? Yes.
What is it? This.
You bought a big rag? It's a sham-pow.
That thing they sell on TV at 3:00 in the morning? Uh, the sham-pow isn't just some thing.
It's a super-rag.
It can absorb 30 times its weight in liquid.
What's that? Grape juice.
No.
Oh, no.
Aw, man.
Don't fret.
This'll sop up that juice faster than you can say sham-pow.
Sham-pow.
Say it slower.
ShamPow.
Ha.
The spill is gone.
I think you're gone.
Hey, can I borrow your helmet? What for? Griffin's gonna take me for a ride on his brother's motorcycle.
Yeah? No, he's not.
Don't be such a lady.
You're not riding on the back of a motorcycle with your delinquent little boyfriend.
Just play with your rag.
Sham-pow.
Hey.
Hey.
Whoa, what happened to you? Ah, I kinda drove my brother's bike into the back of a pickup truck.
Oh, my God, you had a motorcycle accident? It wasn't on purpose.
See what happens? Look, your hand's bleeding.
It is? 'Cause the sham-pow can absorb-- stop talking about the sham-pow.
What's a sham-pow? It's a super-rag.
Aw, you're really hurt.
I'm fine.
I just scraped up my back a little.
Well, take your shirt off.
Go get the first-aid Kit.
Okay.
Aah.
Unh.
How's it look? Tan and muscular.
Any scratches? Oh.
Yeah.
Uh, just stay here, wait, don't move.
Hey, who's ready to do a Web show 'cause I am-- oh, why is he here? And why isn't he wearing a shirt? He crashed a motorcycle.
Yawn.
Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, I'm gonna puke.
Got the first-aid Kit.
Give me the spray stuff.
What stuff? I don't know what it's called.
The boo-boo spray.
Here's the spray.
Wait, is that gonna kinda- yeowwww! AA-AA-AA-aah! Uh, I think he needs more boo-boo spray.
Let's get this show on the road.
It took you 15 minutes to get a slice of pizza out of my fridge? Not my fault your hot boyfriend's down there all shirtless.
Were you staring at him? No.
But I took some hi-res pics.
Um, maybe we shouldn't talk about you-know-who in front of you-know-him.
Freddie, you don't care if we talk about Carly's smokin' hot bf, do you? Sam.
Go ahead, talk about him.
Won't bother me.
You sure? Did you see his abs? Abs-a-matter-of-fact, I did.
I know.
Oh, his name should be ab.
I know.
See, it does bother you.
No.
I just don't think Griffin seems like your type.
He's got a point.
I never would've pictured you with a guy like him.
Me either.
But there's just something kind of exciting and cool about a bad boy.
Uh, trust me, I get it.
Guess what he has? What? Scars.
Ooh, scars are hot.
I know.
Some are from motorcycle crashes and some are from fights he's been in.
I just love it.
You guys wanna see a scar? Check this out.
You can't count your chicken pox vaccination.
No, this is from an actual chicken pock.
Doctor said not to scratch it, I scratched it anyway.
Oh, my God.
Omg.
Oh, he touched it.
Okay.
We're live in 10 seconds.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 Hey, I'm Carly.
Me Sam-oh.
And we're best buds.
Uh-huh.
But sometimes we argue.
What do you mean by that? Don't take that tone with me.
Don't tell me what to do.
You're a witch.
You better watch your mouth.
I don't have to take that.
Don't you talk about my mama.
You're always criticizing me.
No, I'm not.
Are too.
Chocolate beats vanilla.
Vanilla owns chocolate.
Great taste.
Less filling.
Dog.
Cat.
See? Next on iCarly We're gonna show you an odd video sent in by two iCarly fans.
Their names are Matt and Clifford and they enjoy pretending to eat fake snowflakes.
Roll the clip, Freducation.
Playback.
Carly and Sam.
Matt and Clifford.
Yeah.
We're sending you a video eating snowflakes.
Yep.
Those are iCarly fans.
And to honor them Sam and I are gonna do something kinda like they did, but instead of fake snowflakes, we're gonna use Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Here's your goggles, girl.
Goggles.
You better work those up.
Thank you.
Fashion statement right here.
Oh, yeah.
Let it raisin.
Ow.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh.
We're idiots.
I can't get 'em in my mouth.
Why are we doing this? We're so stupid.
Wow, we are stupid.
Carly.
Carly? Hey, Sam.
How'd you get in here? You left the door unlocked.
Oh.
Oh, hey, feel my hair.
Soaking wet, right? Yeah.
Well, not for long.
Watch this.
Sham-pow.
Feel my head.
Dry, right? Is Carly here? Nah, she went to a movie with Griffin.
Oh.
Somethin' wrong? You look kinda whipped.
Yeah, 'cause I barely slept last night.
I kept havin' my dream, over and over.
What dream? The one I always have where a monster eats my soup.
That's so weird.
Yeah.
I wish it'd just stop.
Well, that's easy.
All we gotta do is figure out why you keep having that dream.
But to figure out why, first we have to determine what your dream means.
I don't believe in that psycho-babble junk.
Why not? 'Cause my mom dated a psychologist last year and he said she needed to be more trusting, so she gave him a key to our house and then he stole our refrigerator.
Come on.
I really think I can help you.
Okay, so do it.
Well, all right.
They say that recurring dreams are usually based on something that happened in your childhood.
Okay.
So when you were a child, did a monster ever, you know, eat your soup? Wanna see what happens when I dip my sham-pow in the toilet? Sure.
Sham-pow! Are you sure you kids don't want some pudding? No, we're good, mom.
Thanks.
Nice meeting you.
You too.
Your mom's nice.
Yeah, she's all right when she's not talkin' about pudding.
So this is your room? Uh-huh.
You like it? Yeah, it's just like I pictured it.
I mean, not that I've ever like stayed awake at night picturing what your room looks like.
But okay, I have, is that bad? You crack me up.
Yeah, well, professional Web comedian.
What's that hole? Ah, I got mad at my friend Kato and punched the wall.
Ooh.
You're so bad.
Ah, I'm not that bad.
Are too.
Want me to put on some music? Music works.
Um, what are those? On the shelf there? Uh-huh.
Those are pee wee babies.
I thought those were pee wee babies.
Yeah.
Do you have some? I used to.
So, whose are these? Mine.
Pretty sweet, huh? Yeah.
That's a lot of pee wee babies.
Ah, that's nothin'.
I have 223 more in the closet.
Wow.
Pee wee babies.
That's something I did not know about you.
Well, I don't like to brag.
So, I guess you've had these ever since you were a little girl--boy.
Nope.
I got into these about a year ago.
Look, this is Kippy kangaroo.
Hi, Kippy.
Well, hi, Carly.
Ooh.
Ohh.
Can't forget about Peter penguin.
How cool is this little guy? So cool.
He's got a little scarf and everything.
It came with two different scarves.
No way.
Yeah.
You wanna hold him? Who wouldn't? Are your hands clean? I think so.
Well, just to be sure.
Let's use one of these special wipes.
This'll kill any bacteria.
Sure.
Okay, here.
Feels good, huh? Yeah, real good.
I got him at the convention last year.
There's a pee wee baby convention? Oh, yeah.
And you go to it? Mm-hmm.
Maybe you'll come with me to the next one.
Maybe.
Come on.
Go ahead.
Whoa.
Drum down.
Someone call nine-drum-drum.
I don't wanna play anymore anyway.
Okay, kid, what's the prob? Nothin'.
Come on, something's bugging you.
What is it? Wait, somethin' happened last night between you and Griffin.
Somethin' bad.
What was it? Nothing.
We went to see a movie and then back to his place.
Ahh, ha ha, here we go.
So? Deets? We just talked and stuff.
Stuff like lip-to-lip contact? Some kissing occurred.
All right.
Baby got some sugar.
And then he-- he showed me his collection.
All right.
His collection.
I don't know what that means.
You want some juice? No.
Collection of what? You know, just his Pee wee babies? Griffin collects pee wee babies? Mm-hmm.
Well, does he put firecrackers in 'em and blow 'em up? Mm-mm.
What does he do with 'em? He looks at them and talks to them and sometimes talks for them.
Are you sure we're not talkin' about Freddie here? Yes, I'm sure.
My bad boy collects pee wee babies.
It's awful, isn't it? Yeah.
I know.
He collects pee wee babies? Well, one of 'em is a tiger.
Tigers are tough, right? Did it have big fangs and claws? No, it had a cape.
Oh.
And a purple top hat.
Oh.
Oh, come on.
Maybe this is normal guy behavior.
I mean, I don't even know if this-- Buenos dias, muchacha-latas.
Freddie, we need your opinion.
And if you can, try not to make it stupid.
Sam.
What would you think of someone who collects pee wee babies? I don't know, depends.
How old is she? Oh, man.
What? She? Why did you have to say she? What is goin' on here? "She" is Griffin.
Oh.
Yes! Oh, yeah.
Ha ha.
It's not funny.
It's kinda funny.
Wait, so does he have a special little tool to comb their fur? That is so mean.
And, yes, he does.
All right, miss Puckett.
Today we're gonna probe your mind.
We're going to delve deep into your inner psyche and uncover the cognitive dysfunctions.
Now, I'll say a word, and then you say the first word that pops into your brain.
Fried chicken.
Please wait until I give you the first word.
Are you ready? Sure.
Monster.
Soup.
Soup.
Monster.
Ate.
Soup.
Food.
Hungry.
Lunch.
Sure.
Ribs.
Absolutely.
Now? Let's.
He's right in there.
Thanks.
You want some pudding? I'm good.
Hey, Griffin.
Hi.
I brought you something-- shhh.
I'm about to win an auction.
Four more seconds.
AndBoom.
Ah ha ha ha! I won.
What'd you win? Willy the walrus.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
What you got? Oh.
Just a little present.
What for? You.
Oh, you didn't have to get me A power drill.
Awesome.
And it's a really good one.
It's made by Tuffly.
Nice.
Yeah and they make lots of other power tools, too.
Like a nail gun and a buzz saw.
You can collect them all.
Hey, you know what I can do with this? Tell me.
I can build more shelves for my pee wee babies.
You already have a bunch of shelves, so-- oh, man.
What? Peter penguin's got dirt on his beak.
Oh, no.
Here, hold him.
I gotta go get more wipes.
I know how to get the dirt off your beak.
I'm back.
Nothin'.
Carly? Carls? Carlotta? Carly? "Sam, I made you some soup.
Enjoy.
" Well, don't mind if I do, Mr.
note.
Whoo-Ahh! Aaaaaaaaah! You big monster.
You're a dirty monster.
That's my soup.
You stupid big monster.
You don't go tasting another person's soup.
Monster! You don't-- it's me.
It's me.
Don't kill me.
I'm not ready.
Ohh.
Spencer? What are you doing? Bleeding internally.
Well, why are you dressed up like a monster? 'Cause since we couldn't figure out what your dream means, I thought you should confront it and conquer it and then you'd stop having it.
But instead you bruised my internal organs.
Sorry.
And you know what? I think I do feel better.
I don't.
Extra large, with double anchovies.
That's right.
Um, 321 East argyle.
Yeah, thanks.
Why are you all grinny? 'Cause I just ordered a fishy pizza and gave 'em miss Briggs' address to deliver it to.
Why? 'Cause I'm bad.
Welcome to bad boy town, starring Fred Benson.
You're not a bad boy.
I can be just as bad as-- Oh, man, it's the pizza place.
Yeah, they have caller I.
D.
Argh.
Answer it, bad boy.
Uh, no.
I was never here.
No one can prove anything.
I did not order a pizza.
What was that? The star of bad boy town, running home to his mommy.
Will he ever give up on you? I don't know.
I never should've told him I like bad boys.
Yeah, speaking of that, whatcha gonna do about Griffin and his fuzzy little dollies? They're not fuzzy dollies, they're collectible plush toys.
For lonely children.
So you gonna break up with him? I don't know.
I don't wanna be a terrible person.
Should I just keep dating him? Why not? Hey, maybe you can double date.
You know, you, him, Willy the walrus and Peggy the penguin.
Peter the penguin.
Maybe I should wear a bunny suit on our next date.
He'd probably ask you to marry him.
Then we can honeymoon on pee wee island.
Real funny.
Griffin.
Unnnnnnh.
I--I didn't know you were there.
You were making fun of my pee wee babies.
What, you don't think pee wee babies are cool? Well, I just thought you were a different kind of guy.
What kind? The kind that doesn't collect pee wee babies.
Okay, look.
If you can't accept my hobby, then maybe we should break up.
Well? Whee.
Don't break up with us, Carly.
Love us.
We can all get married.
And honeymoon on pee wee island.
The sand on the beach is made of sugar.
Whee.
Whee.
You know what? Forget it.
We're over.
Dude, he's walkin' out.
Yeah.
Rahhhrrrr! Unh! Aah! Stop it.
Stop eating my soup.
You're a monster.
Grrrr! Aaaah! Aah! Oh.
Oh, okay.
It was just a dream.
Oh, whew.
Aaaaaaaaaah! Ohh.
Oh, God, I'm sweating.
Oh.
That one? Yeah.
Okay.
And this one over here? Okay.
This one over here.
Out with that.
There it is.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And now see, this proves you should never let Sam and me give you a haircut.
Now get outta here, Alex.
Thank you for volunteering your hair.
Thanks, Alex.
Bye.
Sorry about that.
All right, that's it for tonight.
We'll see you next Time on I car Ly.
Buh-buh-buh-buh-byeeeee.
And we're clear.
That was good.
I--and I enjoyed it.
I-- sure, you guys.
I was actually-- I was really impressed with your haircuts.
That was pretty fantastic.
Okay, okay, you guys wanna know what I thought the best of the show was? No.
Move.
Tch-tch! You know, if you wanna use my laptop, you could ask.
I could if I respected you.
Oh, you guys wanna see something really gross? No.
No.
Cool, check out this video.
It's called neck infection.
Aaaaaaaah! Ewww! Ew-ew-ew-ew! Eww! Eww! That is horrible.
Come on, watch this next part.
It's really funny.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, no! Oh, that's sick.
Aah! Yeah.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 I know you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and a time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give it your best and leave the rest to me leave it all to me leave it all to me just leave it all to me Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Hey.
Unh! Oh! Unh! Okay, are you folding that laundry or assaulting it? I don't know.
I am so angry.
Someone stole my motorcycle.
No.
Oh, yeah.
I bought you that motorcycle.
Well, apparently that doesn't mean much to whatever jerk hopped on it and went And whee, bye! Did you call the cops? Yeah, they left a few minutes ago.
They're gonna ask people around the building if they saw anyone suspicious hanging around the garage.
Who's that? Got your motorcycle back.
No way.
Really? Well, who took it? Uh, I think this guy can answer that question.
You know who took it? He took it.
We found him in the garage on your bike.
I was bringing it back.
I didn't steal it.
I took it for a little joyride.
Well, what about my joy? Yeah, look what you made him do to our laundry.
I'm gonna have to refold most of that.
And how did you get my motorcycle started? What, did you hot-wire it? I didn't have to.
You left these in the ignition.
You okay, monkey? I didn't mess with your monkey.
You wanna press charges, right? Yeah, he does.
Let him go.
Spencer? It's your lucky day.
Stay out of trouble.
Yeah, maybe.
Hey, would you get me some juice? Juice? No.
I'm not getting you any juice.
Why don't you just leave our building? I can't.
I live here.
You--since when? My family moved in this morning, 4-g.
Ah, great.
Our new neighbors, the Thiefen-Hymers.
Ah, my name is Griffin.
Cool robot.
Thanks.
Maybe it's something you'd like to steal.
Where'd you buy this? Uh, I made it.
You got talent.
Yeah, well.
I, uh, draw a little.
I mean, I'm not sayin' I'm great.
But I, uh, I designed this.
Well, bye.
Good luck in prison.
Can I hit your bathroom? No.
Around that corner.
He's a delinquent.
Why are you talking to him and letting him use our bathroom? I don't want that guy touching our fancy soap.
Come on, he didn't really steal my bike, and I don't know, he kinda reminds me of myself when I was his age.
He's nothing like you were.
Yeah, but he's what I wished I was like.
Anyway, he seems like an okay kid.
He just needs a little-- you guys got cool soap in there.
I knew it.
Anyway, um, thanks for lettin' me off the hook.
Ah, you're not completely off the hook.
What do you-- I'm workin' on a new sculpture.
I could use some help.
Sounds cool.
Dude? Shh.
Try not to speak.
Come by tomorrow after school.
Sure thing.
See ya.
See ya.
Want some dinner? Just the two of us, or are you gonna invite a murderer to join us? Oh, gross.
Eww.
Is that the greatest video or what? It's horrible.
Here, click on the next one.
Back in a sec.
Oh.
What's up, Freddio? I'm not lending you money.
I don't want your money.
I want you to do a little job for me.
Well, I have no idea what it is, but no.
Come on, I wanna take all the videos I collect and I wanna put 'em up on my own Web site: sampuckett.
com.
And now you want me to build you a Web site for free.
No, I got 50 bucks to pay ya.
Where'd you get 50 bucks? I sold my textbooks.
It's the middle of the semester.
I don't care.
They were heavy.
So, build me a Web site? Okay, but we're gonna put it in writing that you gotta pay me 50 bucks as soon as it's done.
No prob.
My mom's dating a lawyer this week.
I'll have him write us a contract.
Good.
There.
So, is it done? Oh, no.
See, a sculpture should have character.
We need to give it character.
And how do we do that? With our character sledgehammers.
You just wanna put the heavy part right in thereUu-aah! Well, go, kid.
Aah.
Whoo-aah! Aah! Aah! Yaaaah! Unh-aah! Unh! Uu-nnnnnhh! Aah! What are you doing? Finishing my new sculpture.
'Sup.
'Sup nothin'.
Come here.
What? He's here again.
So? That's five times this week.
I've taken him under my wing.
I'm mentoring him.
Well, I'm tired of him.
He's a criminal.
But-- criminal.
And I brought Wendy here so we can study together.
Okay, you can study upstairs.
Why does he always have-- okay, here's the plan.
Griffin, I want you to paint that stand purple.
Carly, you and uh Wendy.
Wendy, of course, how are you? So, you guys go study.
And I'm gonna go get all four of us smoothies.
Don't you wanna take this with you? Be nice.
Be nice.
You just watch it.
Come on, Wendy.
Where are you goin'? To study.
So keep it quiet down here.
Turn it off! And if you click here, you get a pull-down menu that takes you to all your videos and you could sort 'em alphabetically, by date, or by grossness.
Pretty rockin' web site, huh? Yeah, but I wrote down some other stuff I want on the site.
Here.
Whoa, this is a lot of notes.
Yup.
What am I supposed to do with this drawing of me being attacked by a tiger? Nothin'.
I just got bored.
This is too much work.
Uh, the contract that we both signed says you gotta make any changes I want or else you don't get paid.
What? Oh, I am callin' that lawyer your mom's dating.
Too late.
She's dating a rabbi now.
Hey, Spencer.
Hi.
Whoa, I almost didn't recognize you guys not sitting on my couch.
How goes it? Good.
Bad.
Well, then.
Hey, can I help you? Yeah, I need four large smoothies, make two of 'em, strawberry splats and-- you want some bagels? What? We sell bagels now.
Oh, cool, but no, I don't want any bagels.
Just two strawberry splat smoothies and-- try some bagels.
I don't want any bagels.
Come on, don't be a jerk.
A jerk? Dude, I just want smoothies.
What do you got against bagels? All right, all right, I'll take a dozen bagels too, okay? Here.
Thanks.
But the bagels won't be ready for an hour.
Gas bubble.
Hmm.
Aaaaaaah! Let's just recap.
You steal my motorcycle, I don't have you arrested, I invite you into my home, I teach you about the joys of sculpting, I'm forced to wait an hour for bagels I didn't even want, and then I come home to find you chewing on my sister's face.
We were kissing.
Guilty.
I kissed him first.
Out.
Come on, man.
I'll talk to you later.
Out.
I will call you.
Okay.
You'll call no one, ever.
Wait, what are you doing? Wait.
What? Ow.
Yeah.
I don't underst--how did-- when I left here to go get smoothies, you hated him.
How did you go from hate to Mmwwahhhh? Well, Wendy and I were trying to study but Griffin kept turning up the music, so Wendy got frustrated and left.
Then I told Griffin he was obnoxious and he said I should rent a sense of humor and I said, "oh, really?" And then while I was telling him how immature he was, I realized he's super-cute.
And he asked me if I like music, so I go, "who doesn't like music?" So then I turned on some music and we started talking and I realized he's really sweet and smart and his lips were right there in front of me so I leaned over and I kissed 'em.
And I don't kiss like Mmwwahhh.
I kiss like a princess.
You are grounded for Till college.
For till college? For till college.
Why? For kissing that delinquent.
You're the one who took him under your wing.
Well, this wing shall flap no more.
Griffin is never allowed up here again, and you're never allowed to have any contact with him.
Why? What did I do that was so bad? Oh, you know, lipsy.
I'm almost 15.
How old were you when you started kissing girls? Elev--that is not the issue.
The issue is you're totally overreacting.
Say whatever you want, you're so grounded.
Unh! Wait, wait, wait.
What? It's perfect now.
Don't hit it again.
Am I ungrounded and can I hang out with Griffin? No, you are not and no you can not.
Aah! Hey, did you look at the changes I made to your site? Yeah.
It's lookin' awesome.
Good.
And it gave me some new ideas.
I want you to do these changes.
And these.
Oh, and these.
All this? By tomorrow, okay? No.
We have a contract.
Uh, not anymore.
Just forget it.
Don't pay me.
I don't care, and-- hey.
What?! Oh, Carly, I'm--I'm sorry.
Sam, she's just being--oh! Dude, what are you wearing? This.
Spencer refused to give me my allowance unless I wore this to school.
Just 'cause he caught you makin' out with that Griffin guy? I wasn't making out with him.
I just kissed him, over and over and over.
Well, how could you not have called me? 'Cause it all happened so fast.
And then Spencer confiscated my phone.
I had to sneak downstairs while he was in the shower just to send you that e-mail.
Ahem.
Oh, my God, you're here.
Yeah.
Hot outfit.
Sam, Griffin.
Griffin, this is my best friend Sam.
Hi.
What's up, hot lips? Sam.
So you go to school here? Nah, Bolton.
I ditched homeroom.
To come see me? Yeah.
If I go to your apartment, your brother's gonna taze me or somethin'.
Ah, I've been tazed.
It's not so bad.
It's actually kind of a rush.
Anyway, I'll leave you two to it.
Nice.
You miss me? Yeah.
I would've come down but Spencer won't let me out of his sight.
He drove me to school, he's gonna pick me up.
Well, I am just psyched I got to see you, even wearing that.
Hey! I thought you might show up here.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing? Protecting you.
Do you know this guy? That's Spencer.
Huh? Oh.
Yeah, it's me.
See? Aah.
Ow.
Aw, man, I think I used too much glue.
Why are you wearing that disguise? So no one will notice me.
Aah.
Howdy.
Um, good morning.
When did you start workin' here? Um, today.
Oh.
You in the union? Ah, shoosh yeah.
Way in the union.
Well, how come I haven't seen you at the meetings? Hey, stop.
Fake janitor.
What are you doing here, huh? I didn't do anything to you.
I think people are noticing you.
What do you think you're doing here? What is that? A pressure-sensitive trigger plate.
Oh, cool, I've always wanted a pressure-sensitive trigger plate.
You can make jokes but this is gonna help me make sure you behave.
I always behave.
Yeah, when you're not rubbin' gums with bad boys.
Who kisses with gums? And what is that thing? It's an alarm.
When you step on it, it sets off a loud siren so you can't sneak out while I'm sleeping or bathing or stuck to something.
Step aside.
I guess it needs more weight to set it off.
When are you gonna realize that you're overreacting and that there's nothing bad about a girl who's almost 15 kissing a guy she really likes? Carly, look, in some ways, I do get what you're saying.
But no matter how old you are, you're always gonna be my baby sister.
Oh, you know I'm not a baby anymore.
Two weeks ago I sent you to the drugstore to pick up-- I don't wanna talk about it.
You swore you'd never bring it up again.
Oh, and I'm the baby.
Look, I just don't wanna see you grow up too fast.
I wanna always make sure that-- Hey, Spencer.
Hi, Larry.
Uh, this package that you-- wait.
Would you just step in here a little bit? Sure.
Your trigger plate really isn't that pressure-sensitive.
Um, this package you left downstairs to mail out, it needs one more stamp.
Oh, here, I got one.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Here's your smoothie.
Thanks.
You want a bagel with that? Don't start with me.
Why are you here? I'm meeting some guys from the a-v club.
Man, this place is goin' downhill fast.
So, did you finish your Web site? Nope.
I sold it.
What do you mean you sold it? I mean, there's a guy named Sam Puckett who's been tryin' to buy sampuckett.
com from me for over a year, so I called him up and I sold him the Web site.
Are you serious? Uh-huh.
He loved the work you did on it, paid me a thousand bucks.
Good, 'cause you owe me 50% of that money.
No way.
Our contract says I get half of all profits you make from the Web site.
Oh, you mean the contract you ripped up and threw away? Aw, don't feel bad.
Here.
Go buy yourself a bagel.
Thought you were still grounded.
He-- I'll answer.
She's allowed to leave the apartment if she's with me, which she is.
Ooh, you got me.
Look, griffin-- all right, can you guys both just cut it out? He started it.
No, you started it when you stole my motorcycle then besmooched my sister.
She besmooched me.
Besmooched? You know what? You're an idiot.
Griffin.
Oh, am I? He's not an idiot.
He just overreacted, but it's only 'cause he loves me.
He treats you like a little kid.
He treats me like a little sister.
Man, he totally brainwashed you.
Well, maybe my brain needed a little washing.
Why don't you just shoot me a text when you grow up.
Yeah, I don't think I will.
Promise? Why don't you just go steal something and then go uuh-uuh, I stole something.
Okay, freaks.
Late.
Ugh, can you believe him? No, I can't.
I'm sorry.
I know you really liked him.
It's okay.
I'm cool.
Still wanna go see a movie? Or I could go rent a movie, and you could pick up some Thai food, and then we could meet back at home.
Sound like a plan? Only if the movie has either ninjas, monsters or very large trucks.
Okay.
I'll see if they have "revenge of the monster ninja trucks.
" Awesome.
See you in a few.
Okay.
Yeah.
Aah! Aah! Ohh You should be an actress.
You were better than I was.
So he bought it? He thinks we totally hate each other? Totally.
Okay, the Thai restaurant's on the north end, so that gives us 40 minutes before Spencer comes home.
Enough time to listen to four new songs I downloaded for you.
And maybe kiss a little? If you're lucky.
I feel lucky.
But the best part was when you went, "but maybe my brain needs a little washing.
" No, the best part was when Aaaaaaaah! I--I thought I may be an idiot but I'm not stupid.
You guys have fun.
Not that much fun.
It's here, it's here I cannot believe it's here it's here, it's here and it's here, here, here so it's here? Yes.
What is it? This.
You bought a big rag? It's a sham-pow.
That thing they sell on TV at 3:00 in the morning? Uh, the sham-pow isn't just some thing.
It's a super-rag.
It can absorb 30 times its weight in liquid.
What's that? Grape juice.
No.
Oh, no.
Aw, man.
Don't fret.
This'll sop up that juice faster than you can say sham-pow.
Sham-pow.
Say it slower.
ShamPow.
Ha.
The spill is gone.
I think you're gone.
Hey, can I borrow your helmet? What for? Griffin's gonna take me for a ride on his brother's motorcycle.
Yeah? No, he's not.
Don't be such a lady.
You're not riding on the back of a motorcycle with your delinquent little boyfriend.
Just play with your rag.
Sham-pow.
Hey.
Hey.
Whoa, what happened to you? Ah, I kinda drove my brother's bike into the back of a pickup truck.
Oh, my God, you had a motorcycle accident? It wasn't on purpose.
See what happens? Look, your hand's bleeding.
It is? 'Cause the sham-pow can absorb-- stop talking about the sham-pow.
What's a sham-pow? It's a super-rag.
Aw, you're really hurt.
I'm fine.
I just scraped up my back a little.
Well, take your shirt off.
Go get the first-aid Kit.
Okay.
Aah.
Unh.
How's it look? Tan and muscular.
Any scratches? Oh.
Yeah.
Uh, just stay here, wait, don't move.
Hey, who's ready to do a Web show 'cause I am-- oh, why is he here? And why isn't he wearing a shirt? He crashed a motorcycle.
Yawn.
Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, I'm gonna puke.
Got the first-aid Kit.
Give me the spray stuff.
What stuff? I don't know what it's called.
The boo-boo spray.
Here's the spray.
Wait, is that gonna kinda- yeowwww! AA-AA-AA-aah! Uh, I think he needs more boo-boo spray.
Let's get this show on the road.
It took you 15 minutes to get a slice of pizza out of my fridge? Not my fault your hot boyfriend's down there all shirtless.
Were you staring at him? No.
But I took some hi-res pics.
Um, maybe we shouldn't talk about you-know-who in front of you-know-him.
Freddie, you don't care if we talk about Carly's smokin' hot bf, do you? Sam.
Go ahead, talk about him.
Won't bother me.
You sure? Did you see his abs? Abs-a-matter-of-fact, I did.
I know.
Oh, his name should be ab.
I know.
See, it does bother you.
No.
I just don't think Griffin seems like your type.
He's got a point.
I never would've pictured you with a guy like him.
Me either.
But there's just something kind of exciting and cool about a bad boy.
Uh, trust me, I get it.
Guess what he has? What? Scars.
Ooh, scars are hot.
I know.
Some are from motorcycle crashes and some are from fights he's been in.
I just love it.
You guys wanna see a scar? Check this out.
You can't count your chicken pox vaccination.
No, this is from an actual chicken pock.
Doctor said not to scratch it, I scratched it anyway.
Oh, my God.
Omg.
Oh, he touched it.
Okay.
We're live in 10 seconds.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 Hey, I'm Carly.
Me Sam-oh.
And we're best buds.
Uh-huh.
But sometimes we argue.
What do you mean by that? Don't take that tone with me.
Don't tell me what to do.
You're a witch.
You better watch your mouth.
I don't have to take that.
Don't you talk about my mama.
You're always criticizing me.
No, I'm not.
Are too.
Chocolate beats vanilla.
Vanilla owns chocolate.
Great taste.
Less filling.
Dog.
Cat.
See? Next on iCarly We're gonna show you an odd video sent in by two iCarly fans.
Their names are Matt and Clifford and they enjoy pretending to eat fake snowflakes.
Roll the clip, Freducation.
Playback.
Carly and Sam.
Matt and Clifford.
Yeah.
We're sending you a video eating snowflakes.
Yep.
Those are iCarly fans.
And to honor them Sam and I are gonna do something kinda like they did, but instead of fake snowflakes, we're gonna use Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Here's your goggles, girl.
Goggles.
You better work those up.
Thank you.
Fashion statement right here.
Oh, yeah.
Let it raisin.
Ow.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh.
We're idiots.
I can't get 'em in my mouth.
Why are we doing this? We're so stupid.
Wow, we are stupid.
Carly.
Carly? Hey, Sam.
How'd you get in here? You left the door unlocked.
Oh.
Oh, hey, feel my hair.
Soaking wet, right? Yeah.
Well, not for long.
Watch this.
Sham-pow.
Feel my head.
Dry, right? Is Carly here? Nah, she went to a movie with Griffin.
Oh.
Somethin' wrong? You look kinda whipped.
Yeah, 'cause I barely slept last night.
I kept havin' my dream, over and over.
What dream? The one I always have where a monster eats my soup.
That's so weird.
Yeah.
I wish it'd just stop.
Well, that's easy.
All we gotta do is figure out why you keep having that dream.
But to figure out why, first we have to determine what your dream means.
I don't believe in that psycho-babble junk.
Why not? 'Cause my mom dated a psychologist last year and he said she needed to be more trusting, so she gave him a key to our house and then he stole our refrigerator.
Come on.
I really think I can help you.
Okay, so do it.
Well, all right.
They say that recurring dreams are usually based on something that happened in your childhood.
Okay.
So when you were a child, did a monster ever, you know, eat your soup? Wanna see what happens when I dip my sham-pow in the toilet? Sure.
Sham-pow! Are you sure you kids don't want some pudding? No, we're good, mom.
Thanks.
Nice meeting you.
You too.
Your mom's nice.
Yeah, she's all right when she's not talkin' about pudding.
So this is your room? Uh-huh.
You like it? Yeah, it's just like I pictured it.
I mean, not that I've ever like stayed awake at night picturing what your room looks like.
But okay, I have, is that bad? You crack me up.
Yeah, well, professional Web comedian.
What's that hole? Ah, I got mad at my friend Kato and punched the wall.
Ooh.
You're so bad.
Ah, I'm not that bad.
Are too.
Want me to put on some music? Music works.
Um, what are those? On the shelf there? Uh-huh.
Those are pee wee babies.
I thought those were pee wee babies.
Yeah.
Do you have some? I used to.
So, whose are these? Mine.
Pretty sweet, huh? Yeah.
That's a lot of pee wee babies.
Ah, that's nothin'.
I have 223 more in the closet.
Wow.
Pee wee babies.
That's something I did not know about you.
Well, I don't like to brag.
So, I guess you've had these ever since you were a little girl--boy.
Nope.
I got into these about a year ago.
Look, this is Kippy kangaroo.
Hi, Kippy.
Well, hi, Carly.
Ooh.
Ohh.
Can't forget about Peter penguin.
How cool is this little guy? So cool.
He's got a little scarf and everything.
It came with two different scarves.
No way.
Yeah.
You wanna hold him? Who wouldn't? Are your hands clean? I think so.
Well, just to be sure.
Let's use one of these special wipes.
This'll kill any bacteria.
Sure.
Okay, here.
Feels good, huh? Yeah, real good.
I got him at the convention last year.
There's a pee wee baby convention? Oh, yeah.
And you go to it? Mm-hmm.
Maybe you'll come with me to the next one.
Maybe.
Come on.
Go ahead.
Whoa.
Drum down.
Someone call nine-drum-drum.
I don't wanna play anymore anyway.
Okay, kid, what's the prob? Nothin'.
Come on, something's bugging you.
What is it? Wait, somethin' happened last night between you and Griffin.
Somethin' bad.
What was it? Nothing.
We went to see a movie and then back to his place.
Ahh, ha ha, here we go.
So? Deets? We just talked and stuff.
Stuff like lip-to-lip contact? Some kissing occurred.
All right.
Baby got some sugar.
And then he-- he showed me his collection.
All right.
His collection.
I don't know what that means.
You want some juice? No.
Collection of what? You know, just his Pee wee babies? Griffin collects pee wee babies? Mm-hmm.
Well, does he put firecrackers in 'em and blow 'em up? Mm-mm.
What does he do with 'em? He looks at them and talks to them and sometimes talks for them.
Are you sure we're not talkin' about Freddie here? Yes, I'm sure.
My bad boy collects pee wee babies.
It's awful, isn't it? Yeah.
I know.
He collects pee wee babies? Well, one of 'em is a tiger.
Tigers are tough, right? Did it have big fangs and claws? No, it had a cape.
Oh.
And a purple top hat.
Oh.
Oh, come on.
Maybe this is normal guy behavior.
I mean, I don't even know if this-- Buenos dias, muchacha-latas.
Freddie, we need your opinion.
And if you can, try not to make it stupid.
Sam.
What would you think of someone who collects pee wee babies? I don't know, depends.
How old is she? Oh, man.
What? She? Why did you have to say she? What is goin' on here? "She" is Griffin.
Oh.
Yes! Oh, yeah.
Ha ha.
It's not funny.
It's kinda funny.
Wait, so does he have a special little tool to comb their fur? That is so mean.
And, yes, he does.
All right, miss Puckett.
Today we're gonna probe your mind.
We're going to delve deep into your inner psyche and uncover the cognitive dysfunctions.
Now, I'll say a word, and then you say the first word that pops into your brain.
Fried chicken.
Please wait until I give you the first word.
Are you ready? Sure.
Monster.
Soup.
Soup.
Monster.
Ate.
Soup.
Food.
Hungry.
Lunch.
Sure.
Ribs.
Absolutely.
Now? Let's.
He's right in there.
Thanks.
You want some pudding? I'm good.
Hey, Griffin.
Hi.
I brought you something-- shhh.
I'm about to win an auction.
Four more seconds.
AndBoom.
Ah ha ha ha! I won.
What'd you win? Willy the walrus.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
What you got? Oh.
Just a little present.
What for? You.
Oh, you didn't have to get me A power drill.
Awesome.
And it's a really good one.
It's made by Tuffly.
Nice.
Yeah and they make lots of other power tools, too.
Like a nail gun and a buzz saw.
You can collect them all.
Hey, you know what I can do with this? Tell me.
I can build more shelves for my pee wee babies.
You already have a bunch of shelves, so-- oh, man.
What? Peter penguin's got dirt on his beak.
Oh, no.
Here, hold him.
I gotta go get more wipes.
I know how to get the dirt off your beak.
I'm back.
Nothin'.
Carly? Carls? Carlotta? Carly? "Sam, I made you some soup.
Enjoy.
" Well, don't mind if I do, Mr.
note.
Whoo-Ahh! Aaaaaaaaah! You big monster.
You're a dirty monster.
That's my soup.
You stupid big monster.
You don't go tasting another person's soup.
Monster! You don't-- it's me.
It's me.
Don't kill me.
I'm not ready.
Ohh.
Spencer? What are you doing? Bleeding internally.
Well, why are you dressed up like a monster? 'Cause since we couldn't figure out what your dream means, I thought you should confront it and conquer it and then you'd stop having it.
But instead you bruised my internal organs.
Sorry.
And you know what? I think I do feel better.
I don't.
Extra large, with double anchovies.
That's right.
Um, 321 East argyle.
Yeah, thanks.
Why are you all grinny? 'Cause I just ordered a fishy pizza and gave 'em miss Briggs' address to deliver it to.
Why? 'Cause I'm bad.
Welcome to bad boy town, starring Fred Benson.
You're not a bad boy.
I can be just as bad as-- Oh, man, it's the pizza place.
Yeah, they have caller I.
D.
Argh.
Answer it, bad boy.
Uh, no.
I was never here.
No one can prove anything.
I did not order a pizza.
What was that? The star of bad boy town, running home to his mommy.
Will he ever give up on you? I don't know.
I never should've told him I like bad boys.
Yeah, speaking of that, whatcha gonna do about Griffin and his fuzzy little dollies? They're not fuzzy dollies, they're collectible plush toys.
For lonely children.
So you gonna break up with him? I don't know.
I don't wanna be a terrible person.
Should I just keep dating him? Why not? Hey, maybe you can double date.
You know, you, him, Willy the walrus and Peggy the penguin.
Peter the penguin.
Maybe I should wear a bunny suit on our next date.
He'd probably ask you to marry him.
Then we can honeymoon on pee wee island.
Real funny.
Griffin.
Unnnnnnh.
I--I didn't know you were there.
You were making fun of my pee wee babies.
What, you don't think pee wee babies are cool? Well, I just thought you were a different kind of guy.
What kind? The kind that doesn't collect pee wee babies.
Okay, look.
If you can't accept my hobby, then maybe we should break up.
Well? Whee.
Don't break up with us, Carly.
Love us.
We can all get married.
And honeymoon on pee wee island.
The sand on the beach is made of sugar.
Whee.
Whee.
You know what? Forget it.
We're over.
Dude, he's walkin' out.
Yeah.
Rahhhrrrr! Unh! Aah! Stop it.
Stop eating my soup.
You're a monster.
Grrrr! Aaaah! Aah! Oh.
Oh, okay.
It was just a dream.
Oh, whew.
Aaaaaaaaaah! Ohh.
Oh, God, I'm sweating.
Oh.