Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e15 Episode Script

1 Come on, guys.
Let's go! - Hey.
- Hey.
You all packed up, ready for a little vacation? Okay, well, it's not a vacation.
It's a business trip.
And you're sure it's a good idea to bring the family, right? I think it's a great idea.
We're gonna be in Florida anyway.
Why not take in the sights? Do it right.
Okay, just remember it's a business trip first.
No, I am a dad first.
And that's true.
You are a good dad.
No, no, no.
I'm a great dad, all right? I always look out for my kids.
Dad, have you seen my vitamins? You don't need that crap.
Everything will be taken care of by the sun.
Does it all.
Go.
Hurry up.
So, listen, Saturday, we're hitting Disney World if you want to join us.
Oh, that's sweet, but I'm gonna pass.
I'll be laying out sipping on a piña colada from a coconut bigger than my head.
[ Chuckles .]
Every coconut's bigger than your head.
What? I can't be the first one to tell you this, but your head is freakishly small.
- You don't know this? - What? Yes.
Honestly, if you didn't have hair, you'd look like a tan thumb.
Thank you.
Wha-- You just know what to say.
I'm just throwing it out there.
You're bringing it up.
Hey, Dad, I thought we were getting spending money for the trip.
Yeah, I gave you 40 bucks.
What am I, Amish? N-- No.
You're 15, all right? And you got to learn to budget.
Figure it out.
Come on.
Hey, listen, is Rootger coming? He seemed a little freaked out about having to fly.
Yeah, he was.
I've never seen him afraid of anything.
He was all like, uh, [Foreign accent.]
"Uh, maybe we could take bus, you know? Drive only 24 hours.
" Okay, was that Rootger or Dracula? 'Cause that was, like, the worst Dutch accent ever.
I disagree.
Okay.
I'm so excited.
A couple days in Florida, then off to Italy for our honeymoon.
Well, I don't see my sunscreen, so when we get to Italy, I'm gonna be bright red and peeling.
So get ready for lots of little flakes of dead skin floating all over you.
Mm, you save that sexy talk for our first night in Rome.
Besides, I got you a new sunscreen.
It's right here.
Okay, you guys ready to go? SPF 75?! You know it has to be 150.
Anything below that is milk.
Well, then we can just get some when we get there.
Well, just slap the 75 on twice.
It's like two coats.
No, it -- it doesn't work like that.
- Why not? - We're not painting a fence.
I'm here.
I'm ready to go, and I'm no longer afraid of flying.
Oh, good for you, honey.
There's nothing to fear.
- It's irrational.
- It is.
Yeah, the idea of being trapped in a metal tube as it flies into the side of a mountain will not enter my brain.
Good for you.
Let's rock and roll! I lied.
I am not your ordinary guy [ Indistinct P.
A.
announcement .]
Hey, guys, just make sure you get your boarding passes out so when they call us, we're all ready to go, okay? Why are we in different rows? I booked last minute, so we're kind of scattered around, all right? Don't worry.
We all land together.
Unless, of course, the plane breaks up midair, and then we're scattered around the countryside.
Just watch my stuff.
I got to go to the bathroom, all right? [ Sighs .]
Hi.
Welcome.
Hi.
I heard your announcement about getting bumped up to first class.
I was wondering how I -- how I can do that? Oh, well, you can pay the difference or use frequent-flyer miles.
Okay, well, I don't have any of those.
Well, unless it's a special occasion or a medical emergency, there's not much we can do.
Wait.
Didn't I hear someone from your party talking about a honeymoon? Was that you? Yes! Yes.
Actually, I just got married.
[ Laughs .]
[ Scoffs .]
Congratulations! Thank you! [ Chuckles .]
Well, is your husband here? My husband is in the, um -- in the -- in the bathroom right now.
He's got a condition.
The doctors call it "angry colon.
" Ooh! [ Chuckles .]
You know, let me see what I can do for you.
- Thank -- Oh! - Sure.
Thank you! - Ooh! - Oh! - I'm -- I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm so sorry.
- No, that was totally my fault.
- No! I was checking out Cinnabon over there, and I-I-I just lost my mind for a second there.
[ Laughs .]
Sorry.
Let me get this all set for you.
Well, thank you.
I mean, what a gentleman.
Didn't know they had any of those left.
There's a few of us.
[ Chuckles .]
You know what it is? We don't like to make it about us, so We just kind of hide among the idiots.
[ Both chuckle .]
Well, you mentioned Cinnabon.
Look, I-I just got back from there.
I got an extra.
I -- Want one? Yeah, I-I'd like to, but I'm, uh -- I'm -- I'm -- I'm trying to cut back, so Why? I don't know.
See? I miss the days where men would just, like, eat whatever they wanted, you know, instead of looking in the mirror - and counting calories.
- Yeah.
But you know -- I-I'm sorry.
Are you, like, a vegan or something? No! No! I don't even like the sound of the word.
"Vegan"! Oh, you know what, uh, I got to get going, but, uh, maybe I'll see you on the plane or something.
- I'd like that.
- Okay.
Great.
- What?! - C'mon! They are boarding the plane.
Yeah, they called first class only.
That's right, and mama has a surprise for you.
That girl was amazing.
I mean, we just hit it off.
It was crazy.
Okay, well, I wouldn't get too attached.
I'm not attached, all right? She just said I was a gentleman.
She loves Cinnabon.
She likes that I eat meat.
I mean -- Yeah, I'm pretty locked in.
All right.
These are our seats.
Isn't this great?! - What?! - Yes! I worked my magic to get us bumped up to first class.
Now, to get these seats, I kind of had to give the impression that you and I -- Oh! Well, look who made it! - How are you? - Hi.
Yes.
Yes, this is, uh, my husband - Mm-hmm - who was indisposed before, but now he is here.
Uh, yes, about that, if you feel a little emergency coming on and you need to move closer to the restroom, just let us know.
Okay.
Thanks.
Honey, I had to tell Kristie about your condition.
My -- My condition? Yes, you know, the angry colon thing.
Angry colon? My -- My colon is -- My colon's fine.
- It's fine.
- Mm.
Is it, though? Okay, I got us some treats.
Mm! - I got cheese sticks, a Twix bar - Mm-hmm.
and a very expensive bag of airport grapes.
Mmm! Yay, a little picnic in the sky! Hey, uh, sorry about getting upset about the sunscreen.
I'm -- I'm -- No, no, no, my bad for getting the wrong kind.
But you know what, that doesn't matter because we are - going on our honeymoon! - Going on our honeymoon! [ Both laugh .]
Uh, excuse me.
I believe that's me.
Oh! Uh, actually, today is your lucky day.
My wife and I are going on our honeymoon, so I will take the middle, and you can enjoy all the extra leg room in the aisle.
Nah, I'm good.
I like the middle.
Excuse me.
That's my seat.
I meet this great girl, and now I got to pretend - to be married to you - Okay.
with an angry colon? I just wanted to be realistic, so I came up with something.
- Realistic? - Yes.
So, tell me everything.
How did you two meet? I'm a neurosurgeon.
- Wow! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Honey.
- No.
You don't have to tell her that.
No, actually I-I-I do.
See, s-she was a patient of mine, and I-I-I fixed her.
She came with a scrambled brain, and I got it -- I got it -- I got it working again.
Oh.
Yeah, it wasn't easy, either [ Clears throat .]
'cause I got big hands, and as you can see, her -- her head's kind of smallish.
Okay.
All right.
But I -- But I got it.
Guys, that is an incredible story.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, and that's pretty much it.
So Okay, well, these are our signature cocktails.
Oh! Thank you.
Please enjoy.
- Oh.
- There you go.
Oh, there is cream in that.
That -- That's fine.
Don't worry about that.
Well, I just hope that's okay with your -- It's fine.
It's fine.
Don't -- Your colon situation.
Ya -- Ya gotta say it? I hope you had your fun.
I'm not letting my fake marriage to you ruin my chances with her, okay? Well, if you want to get busted, go ahead and do it.
What? What's the worst that can happen? They throw us back in coach? Who cares? We haven't even taken off yet.
If they find out we lied, they're gonna kick us off the plane.
- What?! - Yes, they do that now.
And you can kiss your Florida sunshine goodbye.
I'll tell them it was all you.
- It's your fault.
- Oh, really? I wasn't even involved.
- Oh, you weren't? - No.
You're an accessory, okay? How's that little drink? And your little first-class seat? Cozy? You're a monster.
You married me.
Your parents up in first class, too? Yeah, my dad got bumped up.
Meanwhile, we're stuck back here like animals.
You're funny.
Hey, do I know you? Wait a second.
- You go to Berner Junior High, right? - Yeah.
You're the quarterback for the football team! Everybody talks about you.
It is you, right? Yes.
You seem nervous.
I wanted to take a van to Florida.
I was overruled.
Oh, don't worry.
Flying is statistically the safest form of travel.
Absolutely.
We've been involved in several incidents ourselves, - and we came out just fine.
- Incidents? Yeah, one time, our plane caught fire on the runway.
Oh, mm-hmm.
All this stuff was leaking out of the back, and then that caught fire.
The worst was when we dropped 3,000 feet in 10 seconds.
Herman was on the ceiling.
Aah! [ Laughs .]
Oh! Stop! [ Laughs .]
This is not helping me.
- Nice dog.
- Mnh-mnh.
Maxine is an emotional support dog.
As long as she has a vest on, she's legally allowed on the plane.
It's cool.
I like dogs.
Oh, you do? Well, she needs to stretch her legs.
You want to walk her for me? I'll give you $5.
Done.
That's right.
Drift off to la-la-land.
Oh, it is "go" time.
Hey, Dad.
Hey.
What are you -- Shh! Vanessa's sleeping.
What are you doing? What's up? Well, I'm sitting next to this really nice girl.
I'm nervous.
I might have lied to her.
Okay, well, no, you can't do that, Jack, okay? You got to go back there and tell her the truth.
That's the only way it works.
- Dr.
Gable.
- Yes? Would you like the steak or the chicken? Surprise me.
Hey, buddy, you can't be here.
This is first class.
Get out of here.
- Hi.
- I don't know if you heard anything over there or not.
- I just wanted to -- Wait.
- Hey, I like your shirt.
- Oh.
Tha-- - Wait, are you a Billy Joel fan? I am.
You know, I was at the concert where he closed Shea Stadium.
- Are you kidding me?! - No.
That's aw-- Wait.
Please tell me you're not a Mets fan, too.
I mean, die-hard.
Would you -- Would you ever, like, want to go to a game or something? I'd love to.
That -- That's incredible.
So you were there? You are -- I mean -- - Yeah.
- [ Chuckling.]
That's awesome! And I was like Yeah, is the foo-- The food ready? So sorry to wake you, Mrs.
Gable.
There's just a situation with your husband I think you should be aware of.
[ Both laughing .]
Uh Listen, um You're gonna hate me in about a minute, but trust me, it's not what it looks like, okay? - What? - Wait, what? - There's no time.
- What is it? Just give me your phone number.
I-I'll call you sometime.
I'll call you.
I don't know.
Hey.
Hey! Hi, honey.
Who is this? Uh, Lisa.
Lisa.
Hello, nice to meet you.
I'm his wife.
What? Wife?! - Wife.
- Wife! I can't believe this.
We're going to Disney on Saturday, too.
Maybe we can meet up.
That'd be great.
I was thinking about hitting the weight room a little bit, but I think I can take one day off.
Cool.
My dad loves football.
He's gonna want to hear all about it.
Yeah, about that.
I got to tell you something.
I'm not really the quarterback.
- I'm not even on the team.
- Oh.
Yeah, I just felt like I should tell you the truth 'cause lying is never okay.
Yeah, I appreciate you being honest.
That's great.
What just happened? Look, I know you're mad at me, but she wasn't right for you, anyway.
Okay.
She loved Billy Joel.
We all love him.
He's the Piano Man.
[ Sighs .]
I just don't understand why I can't go back there, talk to her, and make it right.
That's all.
Because the flight isn't over yet.
Okay.
That is why.
Not going to tell you again.
Mm-kay.
I hate you.
[ Loudly .]
I can read your lips.
[ Whispers .]
I hate you.
And friends of ours were on that flight that crash-landed - Oh.
- in the Hudson River, you know, with Sully.
Landed on the Hudson.
That's why they call it a water landing.
It was a crash.
- Oh! - Birds flew in the engine.
Caught fire.
Crashed.
Uh Please stop talking.
Sweetheart, by the way, the It's a little awkward to say with someone sitting in between us, but the new underpants you got me are a little constricting.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I was trying out a new brand.
I appreciate that.
It's just that the legs are like, uh, two tourniquets.
Okay.
So, hold up.
You went out and bought him new underwear, and now he's complaining about it? I wasn't complaining.
Sounds like complaining to me.
If my wife bought me something, I'd be grateful.
But I'll shut up.
No, you know what, he's right.
I mean, why don't you just go buy your own instead of putting it on my to-do list? And by the way, after you turn 5, they're not called "underpants" anymore.
I think this goes deeper than underpants.
I didn't ask you to buy me under wear.
No, no, no.
I get it.
Bought the wrong underwear, and I bought the wrong sunscreen.
It sounds like you can't do anything right.
[ Scoffs .]
You know, I really resent that, Chale.
I do my best.
I didn't say that you didn't.
It was the man in the middle that said it! Vanessa: No, really, I mean, I've always loved planes.
And I find air travel to be magic.
You know, like, how does it, like, work? [ Chuckles .]
So if, like, the pilot dies, you're, like, "in charge"? That's sexy.
You want to play my wife? Then you're my wife.
Hon, uh, the kids were asking for you back in our row.
We have kids, by the way.
You want to play this game? 'Cause I'll play this game.
[ Scoffs .]
Are you proud of yourself? Really.
Seriously.
You feel like a big man now? What? Eye for an eye.
[ Scoffs .]
What are we doing? We're -- We're in first class for an hour.
We're already at each other's throats.
Look, I'm not the one who lied to get us up here, okay? Okay, yes.
I lied.
I said we're married because I thought being in first class would be a nice thing.
So sorry.
[ Sighs .]
All right, let's just enjoy the rest of the flight, okay? Okay.
I'll get the family down to Florida, - and everything will be great.
- Okay.
We'll be in the sunshine, and -- and, you know what, it'll practically be perfect again.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
In the meantime, let's enjoy first class.
It's not so bad, is it? Actually [Chuckling.]
I could get used to this.
Right? Yes! You two make me sick.
So, it was all a lie? Uh, not all of it.
- Are you married? - No.
Are you really a neurosurgeon? Did you really have to ask him that? We're -- We're really sorry, okay? - Yes, it -- - Uh, look, it was my fault.
His daughter and his son-in-law are on the plane, and they're actually the newlyweds.
It was just a misunderstanding at the gate I took advantage of.
I'm really sorry.
If you want to send her back to coach, I mean, I totally understand.
Hey, I think actually, at this point, you probably have to, right? You're both going.
Yep.
Okay.
Here we go.
- Uh, leave 'em.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's go.
I feel like you two are ganging up on me.
Hey, don't drag me into this.
I just said, "Stop being judgy.
" That's all I said.
Yeah, that's all he said, Chale.
But in your defense, she does sound like a handful.
Kristie: Passengers Kendra and Chale Witt, would you please come up to first class? Ooh! Is that turkey? I'm gonna get me one of those.
Oh, she said this was the last one.
I'll give you $5.
Okay, fine.
I'll give you $10.
Thanks! [ Scoffs .]
Ooh, ooh, ooh! You know, I got to say - Thank you - this is more like it.
[ Chuckles .]
I agree.
Mm! Oh, and the best part -- no middle seat.
Yeah.
It is horrible back here.
These seats are so small.
Okay, it is what it is.
Just let it go, okay? I'm a first-class girl.
I mean, I know that now.
Well, toughen up.
We got about an hour left, all right, then it's Florida with my family.
And I am not letting anything get in the way of that.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Don't you do it.
We just got contacted by Jacksonville.
Looks like there's some bad weather up ahead.
[ Groaning .]
No.
They're asking that we set her down a little early.
Looks like our final destination today is gonna be Florida.
The Panhandle of Florida.
Nickelsville, Louisiana.
[ Grunts .]
And the weather there is Unseasonably warm.
37 and cloudy.
Flight attendants, prepare for landing.
Buckle up.
It's gonna be bumpy on the approach.
[ Mutters indistinctly .]
This is it! We're going down! Rootger, you got to shut up! Great.
Weatherman says the storm's gonna last for the next two days.
That's perfect.
I can save my money by not going anywhere.
What kind of hotel doesn't have a bar? Can we please focus on what we do have instead of what we don't? I mean, it's not that bad.
Let's go to Florida tonight! Uh, I don't know.
I think the road conditions alone are highly questionable, and then you factor in the high winds and the rain.
Come on.
You're not factoring in the driver behind the wheel that will get us to the Sunshine State.
It's a little breezy.
We'll have fun.
We'll sing songs in the car on the way down, and we'll be there by morning.
Now, I'm getting in the rental car right now.
I expect you guys to follow me.
I will be there, and I will be ready, okay? Now, I'm not waiting that long.
[ Rain pouring .]
He does have a sort of inspiring optimism.
More like a blind stupidity.
You know what? Dad's right.
Maybe we should just grab our stuff, get in the car, and just go.
Yeah, it'll kind of be like an adventure.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I kind of feel bad for the big guy.
[ Wind gusting .]
As long as the wheels are on the floor, I'm good to go.
[ Gusting continues .]
Did you guys see something? Hi.
Uh, we're -- we're traveling back to New York in coach, and we just wanted you to be aware of a special occasion.
Um, we're celebrating her new kidneys.
Uh, one of which is mine.
Yes.
[ Chuckles nervously .]
- Yeah.
- Thanks again, honey.
It's working really well.
You know, just seeing if you could work the You want to do a little bit of the, uh, you know, the, uh [ Imitates keys clacking .]
Like that? Okay.