Mad About You s02e15 Episode Script

- What are you, nuts? - I'm sorry.
- We talked about that.
- You're right.
Don't do that.
You're nuts.
You're a big, nutty nut.
Okay, as of today, the stock is at 21 and change which means He's running him all over the court.
- Are you listening? - I'm listening.
- For about $ 10,000 - I'm no longer listening.
For about 10,000, and I already got my half, Pauly we could each own 500 shares.
How does Agassi miss a shot like that? I could have hit that shot, and I don't even play tennis.
You know something? With this virtual reality stuff, you could play tennis.
If this thing is so good, what do you need me for? Because that's how they're selling the shares, in chunks.
Believe me, if I had 10 G's, I wouldn't even need you.
- You're talking about a lot of money.
- Have you seen my course catalog? Nice legs.
Your course catalog.
I did.
I saw it.
Right there, under the soda.
You used my future for a coaster? Listen to this.
Ira's got a thing.
What kind of thing? - It's an investment opportunity.
- Goodbye.
- There you go.
- Pauly, you gotta believe me.
This could be our shot.
- Who says we even get a shot? - Everybody gets a shot.
I don't know that everybody gets a shot.
Have I ever led you down the wrong path? You have never led me down any type of path whatsoever.
- Forget about it.
- Where you going? I'm going home.
You're making me nuts.
- I'll see you.
- I'm leaving.
I understand.
- See you later.
- Bye.
Come on, Pauly.
This is a small company.
It could become like Sony.
Think of it.
For 10 grand, we could make a million bucks.
- Think of what you could do with that.
- I know what I would do.
I would go right to the Plaza Hotel gift shop.
I'd buy a pen.
One of those big fat pens they got there for, like, $ 119.
- That's what you'd do? - And I'd buy one for the wife.
- Two pens.
- Well, there you go.
What do I need a pen for $ 119 for? Just do me a favor.
Just come and meet the guy.
If he's so brilliant, how come nobody's heard of him? He used to be an engineer for a toy company.
Who'd hear of him? Now he's going out on his own.
This is like investing in Steven Spielberg when he was directing Columbo.
- Spielberg directed Columbo? - Yes.
- You remember Janet Leigh in Psycho? - Sure.
You remember the first time you saw the co-ops on her? Fondly.
Well, with virtual reality, I'm telling you it is like you could actually touch them.
How much is virtual, how much is reality? Come see for yourself.
I'm gonna meet the guy tomorrow.
You sure Spielberg directed Columbo? Positive.
So, what do you think, Pauly? Janet Leigh.
Good actress.
So, what do you say? - Maybe.
- Just come and see it.
That's all I ask.
You don't even have to bring your checkbook.
- What time are you meeting him? - 2.
- 2.
2:00? - No, the year, 2 B.
C.
Call me tomorrow, and I'll meet you.
- Good.
- All right.
- 2:00 what? - What? - What's at 2:00? - 2:00, I'm gonna meet Ira.
- For what? - A brunch.
- On a Tuesday? - For lunch.
For brunch, lunch.
We're gonna go eat something.
What? I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna look.
I'm gonna see the thing.
- See what thing? - Virtual reality.
I swear that's all I know.
Look at this.
I'm an electric Kitty Carlisle.
This is Interactive II.
It's more advanced than my earlier model.
- Your earlier model? - Yes.
- When was this? When you were 8? - No, 7.
With this, you create your own cyberspace.
The picture and sound are fully digital.
And plus, it offers a menu of over 1000 preprogrammed images that you are able to interact with.
Could I have that, please? Thank you.
- What was this you put in? - That's you.
A digital image of you he just took.
Here, let's put this on.
Listen, I'm not gonna get electrocuted, am I? You can be.
It's on the menu.
Hey, hey, what am I, Shemp? All right.
Alrighty.
- You're sure this looks cool, right? - Here.
- What do I do? - Put your thumb on the cursor here.
- Okay.
- Take it away.
I just turn Look at this! "Astronauts, baseball, Broadway.
Brinkley, David.
Brinkley, Christie.
Buddhism.
" Christie Brinkley.
I wanted Brinkley.
How did I get bus stop? Hi, can you help me? I've got an itch.
It must be this damn garter belt I'm wearing.
Got a garter belt problem? Yeah, if you could just give it a little scratch.
On the inside.
That's perfect.
Is this cashmere? No, it's not real.
Well, you know, but you're not exactly real either.
- Are you complaining? - No, no, no, not at all.
No.
Hey, would you like to go to the beach? I'll go anywhere you like to do anything you like for as long as you like.
If you don't mind, I'd love for you to rub some of this oil on my back.
I just like this so much.
You know, it's okay to do it hard.
- I'm sorry.
Am I being too gentle? - No, it's just perfect.
I just want you to know that you can't do it too hard or too soft.
Everything you do is just right.
That's what I think.
Thank you.
Tell me about your work.
Are you kidding me? No, I want you to rub my back while talking about you.
This is really very, very, very good what you've done here.
You have such a nice back.
Honestly? That's such a Ionely word.
What? No, that's "honesty.
" - Are you sure? - Honesty is the Ionely word.
Are you positive about that? Because I really No, no, you're right.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
Okay, okay, time's up.
- Time's up.
- I'm in.
I'm in.
I'm in.
I'm in.
I'll just have a cup of coffee, and he'll probably have tea.
I'll wait until he gets here.
Yeah.
Now, are you expecting someone else? You should have seen this thing.
- Phenomenal.
Phenomenal! - Are you hungry? I've read about this.
It's supposed to be amazing.
It's unbelievable.
- You had fun? - Yes, I had fun.
And they're selling shares of this thing.
Oh, God.
Did Ira invest? Yeah, Ira's got a piece of it.
As a matter of fact He's so gullible.
Well, no, Ira's pretty shrewd.
Since when? Okay, now, this is for when he gets here.
Don't underestimate Ira.
He's got his ears and his fingers into everything.
He's tuned in.
He knows what's going on.
I'm surprised he didn't try to talk you into it.
I am too, but I'll tell you, if he had, I don't know what I would have done because I got a feeling somebody is gonna make a fortune on this.
- Somebody could lose a fortune too.
- Like who? Like Ira or any other poor slob who invests.
I don't think so.
I really I really don't think so.
As a matter of fact, I think this is something we should consider.
Honey, we're not investing in a video game.
It's not a video game.
This is It's wild.
It's interactive, you know.
So it's, like, cyber Cyber What is it? Cyber Cyber Cyber something.
It's technical.
This is where the technology is headed.
- Says who? - Says this 14-year-old kid who He teaches at Columbia.
Hello.
- I think it's a bad idea.
- I think it's a good idea.
Not for us.
I'm not working.
We have to pay taxes in a few months.
- I just don't think it's smart.
- But this is gonna be huge.
What if it's not? - Why are you being so negative? - I'm not.
I'm being practical.
Sometimes it's not good to be practical.
Sometimes you gotta dive in and take a risk, you know.
You can watch your money grow and be happy about the fact that you were smart enough to get in on something like this when you could.
You already invested, didn't you? - Did you order already because I - Pardon me? Does she? Do they still have the chicken thing? How long are you gonna go without talking? A week? A month? Eventually, you gotta talk to me.
You'll say, "Look how much money we made on your brilliant investment.
" So you want to fool around? You know, it's not like I bought a house or something.
It doesn't matter.
It's the principle.
- I did it for us.
- Then why didn't you tell us? - I did.
I told you.
- Yeah, after the fact.
I told you I had to give them the money today.
Otherwise, the shares would've been gone.
I don't care.
I would never do that without talking to you.
So you're a different person than me.
And you invest our money in something you know nothing about.
I told you.
I do know.
I went down there.
I played with the thing.
You're like a child.
You play some video game one time and you have to have it? - It's not a video game.
I told you.
- All right, what is the difference? - You can't even compare.
It's like, on this, you can do anything you want.
You can ski on the Alps.
You're riding a raft through the Colorado River.
You're in the space shuttle.
You're flying all over the Earth.
You can sing on Broadway.
You're on-stage, singing.
And everything you do, it's like you're doing it.
You're right there.
- Could we do these things together? - Of course, yeah.
What did you do? I gave Christie Brinkley a massage.
She had an itch.
Listen, I gotta tell you, it's phenomenal.
You really You can't believe what this is.
It's like I'm like It's Christie Brinkley.
I'm looking at Christie Brinkley.
I'm talking to Christie Brinkley.
Christie Brinkley is talking to me.
Christie Brinkley and I were talk You could see her.
I could feel Christie Brinkley.
You know? It's so funny.
They had lotion, this oil, so she asked me to put on some.
I'm putting this lotion, and I'm rubbing oil right on her.
And I'm telling you, you've never felt skin like this.
You're a little, little man.
- What? - You could choose anything and that's what you chose? To be with another woman? I was waiting for a bus.
She started it.
- No, she did.
- Have you no shame? Listen, it's not like I was really with her.
Yes, it was.
You just got finished telling me how incredibly real it was.
It turned out to be But I didn't know that.
Believe me.
I didn't expect it to be that real.
As soon as I realized how real it was, I took the whole thing off.
Come on, like you don't - You never fantasize? - But I don't do anything about it.
I didn't do anything.
I virtually did it.
That's the beauty.
And listen, it wasn't just sex.
We went to the beach.
We were talking.
- She's really nice.
- Do yourself a favor.
- What? - Stop talking.
- I can't believe this is what bothers you.
- Well, believe it.
It's a video game! - Where did you go? - I just had to run some errands.
You still mad? - Really? - About which? - Deceiving me or cheating on me? - I can't believe you're not over this yet.
- Over what? - I don't know.
That's my point.
Could you please tell me what it is that I did? You were just wrong.
You were wrong all over the place.
Just a general wrongness.
Could you be a little more specific? No, that covers it.
You know, you're a very odd potato.
You come in here, and all you have is a blurry sense.
You have a blurry sense that something is wrong.
The only thing you'll pinpoint is it's all me.
None of what's going on is you? Not today, no.
You want me to call the bank? I'll stop the check.
You want that? All I want you to do is admit you were wrong.
Listen, I may have been a few minutes too impulsive.
No, that's not it.
Listen, it's not impossible that my judgment was impaired by the enthusiasm.
Can't you just say you were wrong? This is not the most right I've ever been.
You are pathetic! What, what? How am I pathetic? Because all I'm asking is Forget it.
Is there coffee? I was gonna make some, but I thought I should really check with you first.
- What did you do? - What did I do? - What did you do? - Let's just keep saying that.
Our little partner just called me from his bike phone, okay? His people are furious.
- What'd I do? - Pauly, you stopped the check.
I didn't Sweetie? Honey, these errands that you ran, did you happen to go by the bank? Yes, I did.
Did you happen to stop the check I wrote? Yes, I did.
How do you do that without talking to me? That's how we were playing.
You invested our money without talking to me.
Wait a minute.
Time out.
You didn't tell her? Shut up.
- Shame on you! - You see that? Even him.
- Excuse me.
- May I speak as the voice of reason? You work out what you gotta work out.
All I'm saying is we got a chance here to make a very sound investment.
- One that can put us on easy street.
- Forget it.
I'm not doing this.
- Well, I am.
- There you go.
He didn't want to do it either until he saw it.
- So? - So - You might want to see it.
Just try it.
- That's very fair.
Go see it.
- Then, if you still say no - It'll be no? Then we'll talk.
Look at this.
You can climb Mount Everest from the privacy of your own home.
- How about that? - Put it on the list.
"River rafting, hang-gliding, shoes.
" - What about shoes? - It's gotta be buying them.
Either that or being one.
- "Space shuttle, surfing.
" - See, I don't know what to pick.
- It says you can design your own.
- I'm telling you, be the pope.
- Why? - Are you kidding? Free rent, all the loose-fitting clothes you could wear.
Plus, we could drive around in that little bubble car.
Fine, be a shoe.
- There's just too many choices.
- Just do what Paul did.
I would like to think I have a little more imagination than that.
- Look, Sean Connery.
- Where? I'm afraid once she's in that helmet, we'll never see her again.
Wait till she gets Gérard Depardieu's hands on her ass.
Who is that? That fat French guy? Well, whoever she wants.
- What makes you so sure it'll be a who? - You picked a who.
Yeah, but she won't.
- What, a who bothers you? - It doesn't bother me.
You think she'll find somebody better than you? - Where? - In the helmet.
There's nobody in It's not real.
Like who? Relax.
She knows there's better guys out here than you and she picked you anyway.
You see See, nothing you say helps me.
Man, we gotta go.
I told Ed we'd be there by 3.
Let Jamie finish her lunch.
- James, you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
- You are gonna love this.
- Don't pressure her.
- You figure out what you'll do? - I narrowed it down.
- To what? - Whatever.
I hear that convent thing is spectacular.
You understand how it works? I use these buttons to select the fantasy and these to interact with it? Great.
Thank you.
And this, the digital image of you we just took.
Here you go.
It fits okay? Okay.
See you in 10 minutes.
- Have a ball.
- Bye.
So? You all set there? - You feel good about your choice? - Yeah, very.
I hear good things about the skydiving thing.
It's not skydiving.
Well, what or whoever.
Why? Would a who bother you? - No, why would it bother me? - It might mean you were wrong.
- It's good how you're letting that go.
- Why don't you admit you're wrong? - Will you go away? - All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
So go, enjoy.
Do whatever you want to do.
- Okey-dokey.
- All right.
- It's gonna be a who, isn't it? - I'll see you later.
Excuse me.
Would you get a token out of my pocket? Here you go.
Thank you.
Fancy meeting you here.
What happened to your little friend? Who? Him? I don't know.
I guess he was waiting for the bus.
- So just, like, a big coincidence? - I guess.
- So, what am I doing here? - I wanted you here.
I don't get it.
You mean the fact that I could pick anything, and I picked you? Did you read the whole brochure? Go figure.
- Want me to rub oil on your back? - No, thanks.
Want me to talk about myself? Well, you must want something.
What? If you can have anything that I was wrong.
- Excuse me? - No, I'm saying I was so wrong.
- Sorry, I didn't quite hear you.
- They give you the choice of anything I was wrong.
I was just wrong.
You were right.
I was wrong.
And I was so wrong, the vastness of my wrongness was staggering.
It was astounding how wrong I was.
And then to not be able to admit that I was wrong more wrong.
- So let's go home.
- I have eight minutes left.
I was wrong.
I was wrong.
Honey, give them a check.
Hi, honey.
You're home.
I just spoke with Lisa, and Fran might be coming over later.
I was just about to take Murray for a walk.
How was your day? Christie, that's my part.
We talked about this.
Helen, let her play.
- Those are my pajamas.
- I know.
Just Have you seen the rest of the apartment?