Robot Chicken s02e15 Episode Script

It's alive! Morning bear, are you having smoke sex? No.
What a day! It's exhausting being the CEO of Burger King.
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Damn it.
Hello.
Who is this? I'm the CEO of Burger King, you know.
What was that? Who's there? Must have just been my I'm flame-broiling in my pants! My arm! Die, you son of a bitch! What? No! I've killed my only son! If only Philip had lived to taste the Triple Bacon King Burger now on sale at participating locations.
The new Triple Bacon King Burger.
Spend your nights with the King.
Philip! Don't cross the streams, man.
- Mein teacher? - Yes, li'I Hitler? Mein desk is small.
I need this Polish boy's desk, also.
Everyone gets the same size desk, li'I Hitler.
¤ Li'I Hitler, such a scamp! ¤ Here it is, the book of your life.
Just ask the book any question about your life and the answer shall be revealed.
How many days did I live? Cool! How many hours is that? It's not a calculator.
This is the book of your life.
How many times did I hear the song I Touch Myself by The Divinyls? I thought it would be more than that.
Why not ask the book about your actions on earth and how they impacted your loved ones? In a minute.
Book, if I made bricks out of all the poop I ever pooped out and built a 6-foot high wall out of the bricks how long could I make that wall? This is ridiculous.
Book, tell this man how many moments of happiness he gave his friends and family.
Boring! Book could I have filled the Empire State building with my own poop? - Don't answer that, book.
- I want to know! - No! - Yes! That does it! - 2.
7 miles?! - I know! - Now, class - Mein teacher? I will need the Czechoslovakian boy's desk as well.
Li'I Hitler, where's little Polaski? ¤ Li'I Hitler, always having fun! ¤ Cat Court is now in session.
We will now hear the case of Garfield vs.
Heathcliff.
I was in the funny papers five years before this lame knockoff.
Judge, if I might.
I'd like to present this affidavit.
Sorry, your honor.
I'm on a lasagna diet.
I see lasagna, I eat it.
That joke sucks, even for you! Court agrees.
That joke sucked.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are at a standstill.
There's only one fair way to settle this argument.
Cat fight! You want a piece of me? Come on, fat boy! Come and get it, cat.
Open your eyes all the way, you lazy fuck.
I'm gonna start calling you "Monday.
" I hate Mondays.
I'm dying! I'm so cute and I'm dying! Eat it, eat it! Die, die! Enough! We have a champion.
The court rules in favor of Garfield.
Heart attack from decades of only eating.
I'm sorry.
I just couldn't take another freaking lasagna joke.
Gods be praised, I'm free! Free! Up next, Cat Court hears the assault case against Chester Cheetah.
He hankered for a hunk of my ass! It's no big deal.
It's probably not even quicksand.
I'll have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys.
Well, this is just fucking perfect! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! I want to bite someone in the face! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! You stupid jungle! Oh, fuck! Are you there, God? It's me, giraffe.
Listen, if you would just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing I promise no more peeing on your shorter creatures.
We got a deal? Mommy.
You know something? I'm cool with this.
I'll bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own slurpee machine.
Yeah, take me, sweet death.
I await your loving embrace.
What? I think I hit the bottom.
Fuck! What's going on here? This is not my problem.
Now it's my problem.
¤ Li'I Hitler ¤ ¤ Achtung blitzkrieg! ¤ Look sharp, team.
Remember, my X-Men, use extreme caution.
- This is your most dangerous mission yet.
- Right, professor! Is it OK if I delete Real World Road Rules Challenge off the TIVO because it's been a I'm going to need some new students.
Welcome, recruits.
Though we've had to lower our standards thanks to a shortage of actual mutants, the dangers you'll face are no less real.
You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you.
What? Hate and fear us because we're mutants? No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.
What the hell is wrong with this chair? And it seems we're missing one recruit.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Mahoney! This is the Danger Room, the ultimate training facility.
You never know what you might face.
Killer death rays, flying bow saws, inflatable bags.
Let's begin.
Hello, my robot brother.
I'm Lardell Jones.
Destroy all humanoids.
Excuse me, please stop that.
Hooks! You're an X-Man.
Act like one.
Who wants a piece of me, dirtbags?! For heaven's sake, get that body to the morgue.
Move it, move it, move it! Hightower, we haven't got all day.
Well, that's horrifying.
These battle outfits are stylish temperature-controlled, and best of all bulletproof.
- Awesome! - Tackleberry, no! Of course, they can only protect the parts of you they actually cover.
Stupid chair! You! It's been you all along! Try making your cute sound effects with a telepathically erased brain.
Welcome new graduates of Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters.
He's in for a surprise.
As X-Men, you now carry the great responsibility of Some mischief maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute under my podium.
Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down and her enthusiastic efforts are quite for naught.
As I was saying, the X-men I didn't say stop.
Look sharp, team.
Remember, my X-Men, use extreme caution.
Oh, well.
Same time next week? ¤ Yeah, yeah, yeah! Robot Chicken y'all! ¤ Shake it.
Robot Chicken!