Sanford and Son (1972) s02e15 Episode Script

Got the world on a string Sittin'on a rainbow Got the string around my finger We ain't gonna make it, Pop.
We just ain't gonna make it.
Look at these bills.
We ain't gonna make it.
Don't say that.
We faced the first of the month before and we made it.
Yeah, but there finally comes a time when you know you ain't gonna make it.
What do you keep sayin' that for? We got 30 bucks between us, and we got bills here that total over $200.
We ain't gonna make it.
If only you and Bubba hadn't thrown away that money at the racetrack.
Bettin' on a horse ain't throwing away money.
- It's like making an investment.
- Is that so? Yes, that is so.
It's like investing in a piece of property.
Only thing is, this piece of property had a lot of lead in it.
Then what do you suggest? Because we ain't gonna make it.
We gotta figure out something.
What do you think we oughta do? Only thing I can figure out is to sell the best thing we got in the junkyard.
The best thing we got in the yard is a bathtub with a ring around it.
Well, let's pawn the ring.
That's right, make jokes.
But we in trouble.
We in big trouble.
We're in enough trouble to get on welfare.
Shut your mouth.
Fred Sanford on relief? Never.
I might be broke, but I got my pride.
You want a bunch of white people prying in your business, lookin' under the bed? What are you talking about? Well, that's what they do look under your bed down your throat and up your mattress.
And while they're prowlin', your stomach's growlin'.
That's what the welfare thing is set up for, for people in financial trouble.
What do you think we pay taxes for? We'd be taking advantage of something that was set up for people like us.
- What's that mean, "people like us"? - Poor people, the have-nots.
The have-nots? If the have-nots could get something from the haves Say the haves gave the have-nots half of what they have.
Then the haves would still be the haves but the have-nots would be the have-somethings.
Would you stop it? What do you wanna do, go on welfare? Is that what you wanna do? I don't wanna go on welfare.
I'm just trying to figure a way out of this.
I'd rather do what I did back in 1932.
- Sell apples on the street corner.
- You want to sell apples? No.
I can't sell apples with my arthritis.
Maybe I could sell some grapes.
- Maybe we could sell some blood.
- What? The hospitals pay you for blood.
They ain't gonna get none of mine.
My heart's having trouble pumping the little blood I do have back and forth.
This blood ain't for sale.
It stays with the original owner.
Well, there they are.
The bill collectors have arrived.
I don't feel that way.
You know what? My left hand is itching, and that's a sure sign of money.
- Aunt Esther.
- My left hand lied to me.
- Hello, Lamont.
- How you doing, Aunt Esther? Oh, I'm just fine except for these broken-down knees and this crick in my back spots in front of my eyes, blood pressure rising.
Other than that, I'm just fine.
Esther, what do you tell people when you're sick? - How are you, Fred? - Well, I ain't half as dead as you.
If I felt like you and looked like you I'd go down to Forest Lawn Cemetery and hang around a while.
- Would you like a cup of coffee? - Thank you.
And squeeze out a few of them grounds.
We might have another cup left.
Down and out again, huh, Fred? You were a deadbeat the day my sister married you and you still a deadbeat today.
You know good and well the day I married your sister I was loaded.
You was loaded all right.
You were so drunk, you fell on the preacher.
I had to get drunk to look at your ugly family.
Don't you talk about my family.
I'll talk about your family.
For years, people goin' around saying, "Black is beautiful.
" They took one look at your family and say, "Hold everything!" Well, that's something you wouldn't understand.
We have inner beauty.
- You have what? - Inner beauty.
You better put your liver where your face is.
Fred Sanford, you are crude and evil and most of all you're stupid! How'd you like one across your lip? - Come on, try.
- Come on.
- Come on, Stumpy! - Stumpy? I'm tall enough to give you three of these in your nose.
Come on.
- Oh, no, you won't.
- Yes, I will.
Will you two stop it! - Would you two stop it! - Tell her.
I'm surprised at you.
You mean to tell me you'd hit a lady? No, I wouldn't hit a lady, but I'd hit her.
- Here's your coffee, Aunt Esther.
- Thank you, Lamont.
Behave yourself.
Why you always come around here and wanna pick a fight with me? I didn't come around here to pick no fight.
- I came here to ask you a favor.
- What is it? I'd like to use your place for our Sunday morning bible meeting.
Who? You mean, you and all them cackling sisters you always be with? Uh-uh.
This a junkyard, not a henhouse.
All we planned to do was to drink some tea discuss a few chapters of Saint Paul, eat some homemade cookies.
The ladies were going to contribute for refreshments.
Why do your group want to meet here in my junkyard? Well, number one, we try to bring the Spirit to those who need it most.
Uh-huh.
Number two, I felt it would be a good idea for Lamont's sake.
Keep going.
And number three, the places we usually meet in are unavailable.
Bingo! - Well, do we get it or don't we? - No, you don't get it.
Why you think you can come over here and I let you use my place? I was moved by the words of the Good Book.
"He that asketh, receiveth.
And he that seeketh, findeth.
" That's Matthew.
Well, you have asketh and been turned downeth.
Now findeth someplace elseth.
That's Fred.
All right, Fred.
But I feel sorry for Lamont.
You raised him to be a backslider just like yourself! Who you calling a backslider, witch? I'm calling you a backslider because you do not believe.
I believe.
I believe I'm gonna knock you out of here 'cause you're ugly.
And what's more, you're an evil-minded, selfish old man! Listen, Esther, if you ain't out of here by time I count to three I'll put a lump on your head, look like a wig on top of a natural on top of a wig.
And if you lay one hand on me I'll unscrew your arm from your shoulder, and beat your brains out.
You're a heathen, that's what you are! A heathen! A no-good heathen! And you're gonna pay for your sins one of these days, you miserable old buzzard! I'm sure glad she's gone.
Thought she'd never leave.
Listen, son, I think I've got a solution for our problem.
I got it from Madame Big Mouth.
Would you mind telling me what you're talking about? You know, she said something about her sisters contributing for refreshments? - So? - So, that's what we do.
We invite a bunch of people, charge admission on the door and sell them some food and drinks, you know, like the old Harlem rent parties.
I thought you said you still had your pride.
Isn't that charity? How's it charity? I'm giving something for their money food and drink.
- I don't think much of the idea.
- You don't think much of it? I can think of something myself, can't I? What do you think? First, where you gonna get the money to buy this food and drinks to sell? - Didn't you say we had $30 between us? - Yeah.
Do you know how much pigs feet, potato salad and beer you can buy with $30? You can buy enough stuff to keep a whole houseful of people belching the weekend.
I don't like the idea of having a party.
Why not? We can make a lot of money and have some fun doin' it.
I'll act as the host.
You know what I mean? I'll greet the people.
How's that song go? No use of sitting alone in your room - Come to the cabaret - Forget it.
- Life is a cabaret, old chum - Forget it.
Come to the caba Forget it? Well, what do you want to do? I think we ought to ask for an extension on all our bills.
You know, the gas, electric, heat.
If we can get an extension, if we can get two weeks, we'll be all right.
Well, listen, if we don't get it, then can we have the party? We're not gonna need it 'cause we'll get the extension.
- Sitting alone in your room - Forget it.
- Come to the cabaret - Forget it.
- Forget it! - Come to the cabaret Would you forget it? Hello? Oh, yes, it is.
I was just about to call you to ask for an extension.
- Who is it? - It's the phone company.
They say if we don't pay the bill, they're gonna cut it off.
Gimme that.
Hello? Yeah, this is Fred Sanford.
Yeah, the phone is listed in my name.
Listen, what makes you folks think you can cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little behind in their bill? I need my phone for my place of business.
Right.
I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off.
I'll put my foot in your Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? It's dead.
That's just great.
Now what do we do? No use of sitting alone in your room Come to the cabaret Come to the cabaret Sorry, buddy.
Upstairs is off-limits to the guests.
You see, upstairs is sleeping quarters for the establishment.
- I was just lookin' for the washroom.
- Didn't they tell you? We made arrangements with the filling station on the corner.
Excuse me.
Say, brother, would you take your foot off my couch? That's genuine vinyl.
Hey, pal, good to see you.
Enjoy yourself.
How are you, dear? Pardon me, friend.
Don't put your ashes on my rug.
I'm sorry.
Where do you people come from? How you folks? Having fun? Good.
Eat all you want.
Just leave some.
- Well, how you feel, folks? - What is that you're wearing? Tuxedo.
How do I look? You look like a tall, gray-haired penguin.
I had this suit for 30 years.
Look at it.
There ain't a hole in it.
There's no holes in it 'cause the moths refuse to eat it.
You don't even know nothin', do you? I married your mother in this suit.
Ain't had it on since.
Look there.
Still got some rice in the pocket.
You sure them ain't maggots? You're not gonna wear that thing all night, are you? Yeah, I'm gonna wear it all night.
People used to say I looked like Edward G.
Robinson you know, Little Caesar.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm runnin' this place.
It's my place.
- Hi, Fred! - Oh, darlin', you're just in time! Wow, you're lookin' good.
Gimme that cape.
Yes, baby.
Yes, baby! Say, darlin', just go on out there and mingle a little bit.
What is that? What'd you think it is, a water buffalo? That's Leslie Parker's niece.
She's our bunny.
You know, like a bunny at the Playboy Club.
She looks more like a rabbit from the Plowboy Club.
You really are ridiculous! Hello, Fred? Hello, Lamont.
Hey, Bubba, I'm Lamont and he's Fred.
Great! Three of the nicest guys you wanna meet.
You like you already been to a party.
You're drunk.
Yeah.
I was celebrating the election results.
I was celebratin' McGovern gettin' elected.
What's wrong with you? Don't you know that Nixon got reelected? Nixon! Now I'm really gonna have to get drunk.
Bubba, what you need is some food.
Why don't you get something to eat? No, thanks, Fred.
I'm driving.
Come on in.
You're blocking the entrance.
- You won't even have to pay admission.
- You gonna let me in for free? Of course.
You my best friend, ain't ya? Yeah, yeah.
You're my best friend too, Fred.
- I've known you for 35 years - Don't start that.
Hey, bunny girl! Bunny girl! Help Bubba enjoy hisself.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Come right in.
Admission's one dollar.
Get the money, Lamont.
Uh, that's it.
Look around, fellas.
Look around.
Everything Everything's fine.
Admission is one dollar payable in one big soft one, or a whole lot of little hard ones.
What they tryin' to do, crash the party? Where's my baseball bat? Wait a minute, Pop.
Don't start nothin' with those guys.
- They look kind of big.
- I don't care how big they are.
They're trying to crash the party? Nobody crashes but me.
And I think I'll start with their skulls.
Say, pardon me, gentlemen.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
I said it's a dollar per head.
Or would you rather me make that one baseball bat per skull? - You in charge here? You the owner? - Yeah.
I'm also the owner of a baseball bat.
Can we go someplace where we can talk? It's too noisy in here.
Look, we've had our talk, and the next noise you hear will be the rat-a-tat-tat of my baseball bat on your skull.
How 'bout in here, huh? Come on.
Man, what you pushing on me for? Don't be pushin' - Come over here.
- Look out.
You messin' my suit up.
All right, come on.
Come on! Sit down here.
What is this? What is wrong with you guys? If you're not out of here by the time I count to three, you gonna be sorry.
One, two, three.
Uh, okay, I'm gonna count to ten.
One - Sit down! - You heard the man.
- Sit down! - Who are you guys? What do you want? We'll put it to you straight.
We want to be your partners.
Ain't but two people in this junk business me and my son.
We're not talkin' about junk business.
We're talkin' about the party business.
Look.
You got a good thing going here.
What we propose to you is that you use the junk business in front as a dodge.
You understand? While the party is goin' on inside.
We'll have drinking, gambling.
Fun! You understand? - Fun! - No, you fellows don't understand.
This party's just for tonight.
We're trying to raise money.
I know.
But I say, why stop? Keep it going.
That way we make lots of money.
- Keep it going? - Yeah, continuously.
with you as the host.
I can't do that.
I'm 65 years old.
That'll kill me.
- Then we'll have to get another host.
- No, listen.
Just forget about it.
I ain't interested.
What are you fellas, gangsters? Y'all happy gangsters, ain't ya.
Now, here's the deal, partner.
We offer you our protection, just to make sure nothin' bad happens.
You can't open up no place here.
Not like that.
You gotta have a license.
A license? Show him the license.
You in business.
Good.
I ain't never been in no trouble with the law, and this sounds like trouble.
Trouble? Why? Why? We take care of everything.
Your nose is clean.
Yeah, my nose is clean, but the rest of my body's gonna need a bath.
- What's goin' on in here? - He'll explain it all to you.
- Right, partner? - What are you talking about, "partner"? We're going into the party business together.
You got a good thing going here, but we're gonna make it even better.
We don't want no partner, so you can clear out of here right now because Hello, partners.
All right, we'll see you guys later.
Keep the party going.
Come on.
- Hey, Pop, who were those guys? - They're gangsters.
They want to turn this place into a drinking and gambling joint.
That's ridiculous.
We can't do that.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to, son.
Remember? He made us an offer we can't refuse.
Man, I didn't get no sleep at all last night.
- Where have you been? - I went out for a walk.
What are we gonna do? They're turning our place into the Sanford Hilton.
Bubba, what are you doing? I'm lookin' for the bunny girl.
Hey, bunny, bunny.
Come on, bunny.
Where're you, bunny, bunny? Come on, bunny, bunny.
I hope he finds her so he can stop drinking all that liquor.
- Oh, no! - What is it? Oh, come on, folks.
Please.
I knew this party thing wasn't gonna work out.
You and your moneymaking schemes.
Listen, maybe if we stay in the kitchen, they won't bother us.
That's great, Pop.
We're gonna live, eat, sleep in the kitchen with no bathroom.
Maybe I didn't tell you.
We made arrangements with the filling station on the corner.
That's right, keep making jokes.
But we're in trouble big trouble.
Hey, Sanford! You back there? Look at this.
Sanford, you ain't a very good host.
Look at this party.
It's dying here.
If you don't want to be in trouble, you better get out of here.
- This place is gonna be raided.
- What? That's right.
This place is gonna be raided.
So if you don't want to be in it, you better get on out of here now.
You call the cops? Is that what you did? Huh? Leave him alone.
You wouldn't hurt an old man.
Fred Sanford! What is this? - What's goin' on? - Just what you see, Esther.
Why, this place is crawlin' with sin! Yeah, ain't it? We won't have our bible meeting here, not long as this is going on.
- Right, ladies? - Amen! - Who are they? - These are Esther's Raiders.
And we have a bible meeting here this morning.
Well, we got a party goin' on here now.
And the party is over! Get out! - No, you can't throw us out.
- Oh, no? - No! - Get out! Git, git, git! Wait a minute.
I thought you said you called the cops.
I didn't call no cops.
Esther's tough as any cop and her mouth is bigger.
- Well, it worked.
- Yeah.
Come on, ladies.
We can have our bible meeting now.
Come on in.
- Come on in, Fred.
- You don't want me in there.
Oh, yes, we do.
Let's go.
Esther, I ain't going to no bible meeting.
That's it.
- That's what you think! Get in there! - Wait a minute! Well, that's takes care of the gas, electric and the phone company.
And that clears us up for the rest of the month.
- How much you got left? - Forty bucks.
Perfect.
$30 for the food we bought and $10 to get the place cleaned up.
Who's gonna charge us $10 for cleaning up this place? I am.
- The door.
- You figured that out all by yourself? - Come on in! - Come on in! The door's open.
See, you didn't believe that that party would work out, did you? You ought to listen to me more.
I raised you.
- Good morning.
- Hello there, Aunt Esther.
Good morning.
Esther, what are you doing here this early? Fred, my bible meeting friends appreciated you letting us use your place yesterday.
Think nothing of it, Esther.
I do unto others as others has did unto me.
And so I have a request.
We would like to meet here every Sunday morning.
Oh, no.
Uh-uh.
No, no, no.
Nothin' doing.
You can't do that.
Ain't no way.
Listen, Fred, if you don't let us have this place I'll have those hoodlums come back and take over again.
- You wouldn't.
- Oh, wouldn't I? Just watch me.
What will it be? Us or those gangsters? What a friend we have in Jesus All of our sins and griefs to bear Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.