See Dad Run (2012) s02e15 Episode Script

Alright, alright, alright.
Hold on, hold on.
I think I should have the last piece because I'm the oldest.
You've been using that your whole life.
When do we get to win? When I go to college.
Daddy says when you go to college, we all win.
Since I've hear you squabbling over this thing, nobody wins.
I taught you guys nothing about the meaning of family.
You shouln't fighting with each other.
But if you're going to, two of you need to team up to take down the third one.
That makes it go so much faster, and I don't have to pick a favorite.
It's you, Janie.
It's you.
Dad, we can all see you.
I know that, but you're still my favorite.
Oh.
Honey, you're not gonna believe it.
Your cousin, Fred, invited us to - Oh, we're not going.
- Oh, I love you.
What are we not going to? Mm, he and Mandy are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary in Santa Barbara.
You know why he invites me, don't you? 'Cause I'm a celebrity, and he wants to trot me out like some show pony.
You love being a show pony.
I know.
Just not his show pony.
- Oh, David.
- Hey, Fred.
Yeah.
I'm glad you're here.
Look, I told a few friends that you'd give 'em a wave.
They're big fans.
Okay, sure.
- I told ya! - Oh! He's my cousin! For that he got four dodger tickets, and I got a seeing eye dog for a week.
I miss Mr.
peepers.
- Yeah.
Better blind than deaf.
Oh, I can still hear Mandy's voice the day they moved away.
"Amy, if you call me, I'll love it!" Mom, are you okay? Did you run over a cat? Wait, is cousin Mandy here? - What's this? - Uh Hey.
Fred and Mandy invited us to their 20th anniversary party? I haven't seen cousin Stephanie in, like, five years.
You know, every time we plan to see them, we always end up winning a contest for some trip.
Weird.
I can't wait to see cousin Evan.
He's the one who turned me on to magic.
This is great! What's a cousin? We're going, right, dad? - Well - Of course we're going.
If there's one thing dad always says, it's that family comes first.
Right, dad? Hey, look at this, Amy.
We just won an all-expense-paid trip to cabo San Lucas! We are so lucky! We all know we're going.
Dad would never let his family down.
All right, I'm going to pack.
Dad, this says, "please recycle.
" No, it does not, Joe.
No, it says, "plee-as-ey re-cy-Cley.
" It's a very, very beautiful five-star resort in cabo San Lucas.
So we're really doing the whole positive attitude? Yes, we are, honey.
We're gonna make the best of it.
I mean, Fred is not gonna change, so I'm just gonna rise above it.
Mm, you go, my pretty pony.
And I think Janie's really looking forward to meeting her cousins.
- Well, good.
- Yeah.
Was that my cousin? Uh, no, that was the valet.
Is that my cousin? No, that's That's the bellhop.
Is that my cousin? Janie, that's Joe.
Ah! There's my favorite cousin! - Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Boom! - Yeah! Hashtag.
Vacationing with David Hobbs.
And posted! Good to see you, Fred.
Hi.
- Mm.
Oh, Amy! - You! I cannot believe it! After all these years, you are standing right in front of me! Right in front, and I can smell your lunch.
I can.
Oh, well, if you're smelling Caesar salad with extra anchovies.
Correct! - Bing.
Bing.
- Yeah.
You're looking prettier than ever.
Thank you, Fred.
Oh, he's talking to me, hon.
And look at that tush.
Somebody's been working out.
Yoga.
Yoga.
Yeah.
It's still me.
Stephanie! Emily! - You ready? - Yes! Oh, gosh! You remembered.
Yeah! Janie, this is our cousin.
Oh, I don't understand sign language.
It's nice to meet you.
Oh, it's so great to see you, em.
Has it really been five years? Yeah.
I can't believe it.
And we only have 48 hours to catch up and make some new memories.
Talk about boys while we play tennis? Way ahead of you.
Impressive.
Okay, so I dated this guy Matthew Pearson for two months.
- Wow.
Hey, Evan.
Oh, hey, cuz.
I didn't recognize you.
Yeah, you know, been hitting the weights a little bit.
I can tell.
Hey, I brought a new magic trick I want to show you.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Can you show me later, little cuz? This is my girlfriend Elizabeth.
We're driving into town.
- Yeah, sure, no problem.
- Okay.
Hey, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
What does that even mean? I don't do anything.
Prepare to love me.
I got you all set up with the celebrity discount spa package! - Oh! - Wow! Hey, I dropped your name, you know, but I knew you wouldn't mind 'cause we're family! Oh, yes, we are.
We are family.
Oh, the paparazzi here.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Chip is our videographer.
We're capturing all the memories of the weekend.
- Oh.
- Starting now! - Ah! - Group hug! - Okay! Hey, hey, look who's hugging David Hobbs.
I love it! Yeah.
So let's do a mani/pedi, an exfoliating facial, detoxifying seaweed wrap, and then oxygen blast.
And whatever she wants.
I'll have what my wife is having, and if you could throw in a hair-silkening treatment, that would be great.
Ooh! I want one of those too.
Okay, there should be a celebrity spa package for me.
I'm David Hobbs.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Hobbs, but we're totally booked today.
What? A Mr.
Fred Hobbs made the David Hobbs discount available to his entire party, and it booked up like that.
Oh, so let me just get this straight in my head, so I know exactly what it is that I'm rising above.
Thanks to my cousin Fred, everybody is enjoying the David Hobbs discount, except for me, David Hobbs? But please feel free to enjoy our refreshing cucumber water as soon as that gentleman is done.
Marcus, what are you doing here? Oh, hey.
Treating this like a temple, David.
Body, mind, and spirit.
It's a triangle.
- No, I Feel that water.
You're getting it in my hair.
Stop! You're getting it in my hair! - All right.
No! Now, what are you doing at my cousin Fred's party? Oh, I was invited.
See, unlike you, I actually like the man.
The real question is what are you doing here? We're here for the kids, right, honey? Yeah, it turns out the one time in my life my kids listen to me it's when I say, "family comes first.
" And he was like, "really?" And I was like, "uh, yeah!" - No way.
Did he even - Yeah! Oh, I'm literally dying.
Stephanie and Emily Hobbs are here for a mani/pedi.
- Yeah.
You know what? We got to stay on schedule.
I'll take the mani, you take the pedi.
Yeah, guys, they're all booked up.
Oh, my dad made this appointment days ago.
You should try using your name.
It really works.
- That's a good tip.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Oh, I just remembered.
Okay, so when I turned 13, I tried bangs.
Cute.
- Uh, I looked like a mushroom.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Uh, so, uh, crying during a massage is perfectly normal, right? Yeah.
You okay, Kevin? Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just Deep tissue massage releases a lot of emotions, and I was pretty emotional earlier on the table, but I'm doing fine now.
Um, excuse me.
I'm gonna pass on the deep tissue massage if you're cool with that.
Yes! Come on, Joe.
You showed me this trick five times! Which magic word do you think's the best? Kapow or kazaam? How about this? Ker-plop.
Why'd you do that? I made a wish that you'd stop doing magic.
And look at that.
It came true.
Well, joke's on you.
Now I have an excuse to go in the fountain.
Joe, you know they have a pool, right? Check this out, Evan.
Watch me bite this quarter in half.
Kapow! Ow! Real quarter.
Hey, you know who loves magic? My little brother, Adam.
Adam, this is your cousin, Joe.
Hi, Joe.
- Hi.
- Evan.
You mind if we take a rain check, magic man? Elizabeth and I are taking a paddleboard lesson, and she hates to be late.
Women.
Am I right? What am I right about? I don't know anything about women.
I want to see your trick, Joe.
Maybe later, Adam.
Excuse me.
I'm David Hobbs.
I was told you have a massage for me.
Oui, monsieur Hobbs.
Here is your message.
II was told a massage.
Oui.
It is from your masseur, monsieur.
The message is there are still no massages.
Wait.
There is one more message.
- Oh, I'll take it.
- It is from your cousin, Fred.
Oh, come on! There you are, David! Oh, you're looking more relaxed than ever.
Oh, not quite there yet, Fred.
You know, maybe you need some Olga time.
The Russian circus' loss was our gain.
Yeah.
Listen, I wanted to talk to you about that spa package.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know how you could thank me for that? A few of my guests were hoping for an autograph, and I told 'em, "my cousin, David, would love to do it.
" That's fine.
Okay, he's ready! Oh, okay.
All right.
Oh, uh, hi.
- David.
- Yes? Chip tells me you haven't done your testimonial yet.
If you want to do it now, could you mention the hotel? You know, just say something simple like, "when I'm in Santa Barbara, the only place I stay is the hotel du Soleil.
" Okay? And if it feels natural, could you hold up this card? Um They offered me a huge discount.
I knew you wouldn't mind 'cause you're family! You know, maybe I'll take care of that later.
Okay, Fred? I can tell you asked him, and he said, "yes!" Did I tell you, Amy? Yes.
Loudly and repeatedly.
Happy 20th, Freddie spaghetti! Oh, my gosh.
- Oh.
- Hi.
Hi.
What's going on? I love it! We're going home.
I knew he'd pull out that show pony stuff.
I told you.
- David, we can't just leave.
I know.
Okay.
All right.
Fine.
We'll do it for the kids 'cause we have to be good parents, set a good example.
David! Oh, what a day we had.
- Yeah.
After our bike ride, we stumbled upon the cutest little farmer's market.
Pluot? Organic mango guacamole with a hint of mint.
Huh? I'll be in my room.
Hey, David, you need to relax.
Embrace the triangle.
Body, mind, and spirit.
Okay? Boop.
- What was that? - Boop.
Stop booping me, Marcus.
Don't boop me.
It's annoying.
- Double boop.
- Stop booping me.
- Full boop.
No! Can you please stop? Make him stop booping me, honey! I'm gonna lose my mind here in a second.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Sweetie, sweetie hey! Hey! Maybe he's right.
Maybe you do need to relax.
Okay? We're going to the spa.
- Fine.
I don't know what that was, but don't ever boop me again.
Can I help you? I'm Freddie Hobbs, cousin of TV's David Hobbs.
Did I mention I'm David Hobbs' cousin? And I'm Mandy, wife of Freddie spaghetti here.
And cousin-in-law to David Hobbs.
You two are hysterical! Oh, chip are you getting this? They're doing a bit.
This is perfect timing because while we're getting our couples massage from Olga, you can do your endorsement with chip okay, but remember, sell it, because these massages aren't cheap.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
You know what? No, no, come on.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Let's do this.
Freddie, you want your endorsement, Fred? Here it is.
Cousin Fred, you are a user, a name-dropper, and a mooch.
You know nothing about family.
You and your Caesar salad-eating wife You deserve each other.
- You tell 'em.
- I'm telling 'em.
- Tell 'em.
- You want your endorsement? You want it? Well, it's coming, Fred.
It's really coming from the bottom of my heart.
You ready for it? Here it comes! You ready, honey? Oh, yeah.
- Let's do it! - Oh, yeah.
And Happy anniversary, Freddie! And Mandy! Ah, you're really happy, aren't you? Body, mind, and spirit, Amy.
Body, mind, and spirit.
Boop! Fresh bun? No thank you.
But I will take the lid off this creamer to let the dairy air.
Oh! What'd I say? First time I drove, I hit a bird, and then I nursed it back to health.
That is so weird.
I hit a nurse, and her name was Robin.
Joe, you okay? I just thought this weekend would be different.
Joe, you know, the great thing about family is that no matter how much time goes by, they will always be in your life.
Right, Steph? If you're lucky like us.
Look, Joe! I found your magic quarter.
Thanks, Adam.
Looks like you've got a fan.
I wonder how he'll remember this weekend.
Hey, want me to show you how it works? Awesome! Gloria, Helen, this is my sister, Emily.
We just love this one.
Can't get enough of her.
I'm adorable! So adorable! Look at that punim.
Isn't this great? I love cousins! I'm kvelling.
Are those ladies really our cousins? I have no idea who those people are, but Janie's happy.
Mandy and I would like to thank you all for coming.
Tonight is not just a celebration of us.
It's a celebration of family.
And none of this would be possible without my cousin, David.
Now, some of you may already know that when I followed my future bride to L.
A.
, it was David who let me sleep on his couch for a week.
Five weeks.
And when I needed a suit for my first job interview, it was David who loaned me his Armani.
Oh, so that's where it went, honey.
Guess I owe Marcus an apology.
But the truth is it wasn't that suit that got me the job.
It was the call that David made on my behalf that got me back on my feet.
I've dropped David's name more times than I can remember.
I've gotten more perks from him being him than he has.
And he's never once judged me for it.
He's always been there for me, and that is the true meaning of family.
And I love him.
I'm feeling kind of bad about what we did in that video now.
Anyway, I hear chip's been getting some wonderful things on the video tribute, so I decided why wait till Mandy and I are home to watch? Why not share the love with everyone? Lights! - Hey, mom.
Hey, dad.
- Hi.
What are you doing? I am texting Kevin to create a diversion.
Then I'm gonna text Marcus to grab the remote control away from chip.
- What are you gonna do? - Hello.
I'm the brains of the operation.
The plan is underway.
Why he always does a crow I will never know.
You are a user and a name-dropper and a mooch.
You know nothing about family.
You want your endorsement? You want it? Well, it's coming, Fred, from the bottom of my heart.
Happy anniversary, Freddie! And Mandy! Fred, I can explain.
Oh, you're gonna explain How you became The funniest man in America.
The guy was roasting me! Well, yeah, I was roasting you.
And now, Fred, I would like to toast you.
Cousin Fred, you're a good man with a big heart, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you because we're family.
To family.
To family! You are a gem, David Hobbs.
- Thank you, Mandy.
- Just look at that caboose.
Oh, you, come on.
Honey, he's still talking about me.
Thanks, again, for coming, David.
It meant the world to us.
Let's just not make it another five years before we see each other again.
Amy, I'll Call you! Okay.
On the phone.
You promise? Yeah! Okay.
And then we came here, and I guess we're all caught up.
We did it! And now we're here saying good-bye.
And I'm missing you already.
Aw.
Next time we see each other, I want you to know that quarter trick.
But I don't have the quarter.
Sure you do.
It's right here.
Kaz-Adam! - Awesome! Keep it.
- Your bill, monsieur Hobbs.
- Oh.
Uh, chip, come here for a second.
Right there is good.
And action.
Whenever I'm in Santa Barbara, the only place I'll stay is the hotel du Soleil.
Okay.
Thank you, David.
You're welcome.
My father.
Such a mensch.