Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e15 Episode Script

1 LENA: Oh, what a day! This new job is running me ragged.
I mean, I'm so tired, I'm, like, twitching.
Oh.
Oh, you're here? Wow.
Are those new panties? Me new panties.
- Ahh.
- Me new "get lucky" panties.
I like how they make you talk like a leprechaun.
[IRISH ACCENT.]
Well, hop in the sack, lass.
I'll show you what else they can do.
[LAUGHS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Not feeling 'em? No, I'm feeling 'em.
Yeah, I-I thought they were kind of sexy.
They're super sexy.
[YAWNS.]
- Yeah, I can tell.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [CONTINUES YAWNING.]
Well, I mean, they might be trying a little hard.
Yeah, they're trying very hard.
Well, I like the old white ones better.
The old white ones? Those are all thin and stretched out.
I know, but I have a backstory for the white ones.
You're this impoverished coal miner with rickets and you've been stuck underground and you haven't seen a woman What is wrong with you? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay, well, we can totally get down.
Let me just take my fish oil.
Mm.
Okay.
[PILLS RATTLE.]
Oh, wow.
Uh, you're just gonna - no water.
Yeah, I bet you're tasting - Nope.
- that right now.
Yeah.
- A little bit.
[COUGHS.]
- Really sexy.
- [SIGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [COUGHS.]
- Hey, you know what? - [YAWNS.]
What? You're clearly exhausted.
All right, well, we can just - we can get you.
- Mm, no.
No thanks.
- No thanks? - No thanks, no.
I-I don't want to be "gotten.
" I want to connect with you.
I feel like we've been ships at night ever since this whole Lisa thing, and I just want to stay close.
Well, look how close we are.
I can smell your fish oil.
You know what? Just use it in your backstory.
Maybe I came from the sea.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I got this.
[IMITATING PIRATE.]
Ooh.
What have we here? An extremely exhausted mermaid got caught in me fishing net.
In exchange for yer freedom, - you must grant - [SNORING.]
- [THEME MUSIC.]
- [MARTIN SIGHS AND LENA SNORES.]
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay See that thick layer on top? That's the hindmilk.
And you have been producing so much more than you did last week! - Good job, Mama.
- [LAUGHS.]
I can't take all the credit.
Nice work, boobs.
- [TIMER DINGS.]
- Oh You know, you're lucky you're so prolific.
I could basically nurse on demand, but when I pumped, I got barely half a bottle.
Honestly, I feel like a cow.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, a prize-winning cow.
A blue-ribbon cow.
Lena, thank you so much for being here.
I can't tell you what a comfort it's been.
I know it's not fair to ask you to keep this secret, but I'm just feeling very territorial right now.
I felt the exact same way when my kids were born.
Right now, you're just lucky you have anyone you can trust.
Not just anyone you.
Honestly, when you first offered to help, you were the last person I wanted around.
But somehow this just works.
It kind of does.
And, you know, the best part is, I know you're not gonna dump me for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Such a weird thing to say.
- I regretted it instantly.
- Whoo! This is so cool! - [LAUGHS.]
Dude, are you kidding? This is the opposite of cool.
I feel like beating us up right now.
I love tech! I'm a tech guy.
I love gadgets.
- This helmet will call Camille if I fall.
- [PHONE DIALING.]
Ugh, Arthur.
You said "call Camille.
" - CAMILLE: Hello? Ugh, hang on.
- Oh, hello, my queen! Martin's calling me on the other line.
Hello? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my God.
Dude, real skaters would be so grossed out by us.
Speaking of people who find you gross, how are things going with Lisa Apple? Uh, terrible? I still haven't heard from her, you know? I'm just trying to be patient, not put any pressure on her.
But I wake up every morning - thinking somewhere out there is my - Illegitimate daughter? Bastard, if you will.
Hey, what is wrong with you? - Huh? - What? That's literally what she is.
I didn't make up those words.
Dude, I just I just think about her all the time.
And I feel like Lena does, too, but neither of us is talking about it.
And she keeps giving me the cold shoulder.
So Lena doesn't want to have sex with you.
I don't know whether she does or doesn't, but she isn't.
And apparently she's got this new client that's very demanding, so she comes to bed every night just exhausted.
Have you tried adding iron to her diet? - Yeah, I can't just add things to her diet.
- You totally can.
I have Camille on so many supplements she doesn't even know about.
I'm having great success with chasteberry.
It minimizes her mood swings.
All right, well, let me know if you find a supplement that's gonna make Lena want to get close to me again.
You might try "Horny Goat Weed.
" - - Here.
- What's this? - Something you need, apparently.
Why aren't you having sex with Martin? - What?! He told you that? - Inadvertently.
He told Arthur and didn't realize that I was listening in on his helmet.
Which reminds me, I need to get something to increase my - mood swings.
- I can't believe this.
Withholding sex can be very damaging, Lena.
You should know that.
I'm not withholding.
I'm just tired.
From what? Can you keep a secret? [SCOFFS.]
No! Oh, come on, stop wasting time.
You know you're gonna tell me anyway.
- [WHISPERS.]
I've been seeing someone.
- [QUIETLY.]
Ohh! Behind Martin's back? [NORMAL VOICE.]
It's Annie Apple.
Is that someone from an "Archie" comic? Lisa's baby! I've been helping her out.
- Why? - Because I want to.
- And she wants me to.
- Ugh! You finally have a hot and heavy affair, and it's with your ex-husband's baby.
That is so you.
- Okay, it's not really an affair.
- Yes, it is.
You're lying, you're sneaking around behind Martin's back, you're getting so much emotional fulfillment that you stop having sex with him.
That's an affair.
And if you ask me, it needs to stop.
[ROBYN'S "CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND" PLAYS.]
Call your girlfriend It's time you had the talk - Give your reasons - Best shower.
I swear, - I can only enjoy it when you're here.
- Say it's - Not her fault - The rest of the time, I'm just frantic, listening for But you Oh, crap.
You're gonna break up with me, aren't you? You know, when this started, I was just sneaking around.
But now I'm outright lying to him.
If we're gonna continue seeing each other, I need it to be out in the open.
Martin needs to be okay with it.
But I don't want him involved.
I just want you.
I know! But he is Annie's father.
And [WHISPERED.]
my husband.
Fine.
Well, I am not ready to open up the lines of communication with Martin.
So I accept your resignation.
If that's what this is.
I think it has to be.
Wait! My parents are coming tomorrow.
Do you think you could come by just while I run some errands, just for a few hours? Sure.
I can do that, absolutely.
- It's throw-up.
- Oh.
Wow, it's really not It's not coming off, - so - It's okay.
I'll spray it when I get home.
Man, breaking up with Martin was hard, but breaking up with you, it feels like the end of the world.
[CLICKS MOUTH.]
If we're being honest, I kind of broke up with you.
It doesn't matter.
We can just tell people it was mutual.
LENA: Martin, do I smell your rigatoni bake? You've just been working so hard, babe, I wanted you to be able to come home and relax.
- Wow.
I feel so - Lucky? Guilty.
- [CELLPHONE BUZZES, CHIMES.]
- Sorry.
- Is that work again? Hm? - 'Cause you tell them you're off-duty.
No, this is my time now.
Yes, uh"Leave me alone! - I am with my husband!" - [IMITATES BUZZER.]
[CHUCKLES AND SMOOCHES.]
Let me take your bags.
- Thank you.
- Give me these.
And then give me this coat - Oh.
You you got something on - Oh, actually, I'm gonna run upstairs and, um, just slip into something more comfortable.
For dinner? I Come on, player.
We know this isn't about rigatoni bake.
- Let me go freshen up.
- No, Lena! Lena, Lena.
Honestly, I'm not trying to seduce you, I swear.
Let's just sit down together, have a meal, and talk about the day.
- Okay? - Okay.
- So, how was your day? - Good.
Good.
Arthur and I took some new company merch out for a test drive.
Oh, and Mae has driver's ed tomorrow.
I am gonna give her a little behind-the-wheel time after school.
Driving! Can you believe it? - They're not babies anymore.
- Mm.
Most of them aren't, no.
Was that a reference to Annie? - Sorry.
- No, no, it's okay.
We should talk about her.
I want to talk about her.
I just I never know if it's a good time to or if I You know Yeah.
I just wonder what she looks like, you know? If she has a lot of hair, if she eats okay, if she's sleeping okay.
I wonder if she's drooly like Mae, or if she's [CHUCKLES.]
cross-eyed like Mason - or rashy like - She's perfect.
She's absolutely perfect, and she has your chin.
She looks like you.
She really does.
And she's smiley, and she's nursing up a storm.
I honestly think she's doubled her birth weight.
She smells like powdered sugar.
And to be completely honest, I wish she were ours.
[WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
Yeah, I dunno.
Yeah.
So [CLEARS THROAT.]
How's work? This new client is just so demanding.
You know, she acts like an infant if she doesn't get her way.
Very needy, wants to be coddled every step of the way.
Needs you to clean up every mess.
But I decided tomorrow's my last day.
- Oh.
- I'm moving on.
You know, I just think it's been too emotionally taxing for everyone.
Okay, babe, uh, are you sure this is this is the right decision? - You seem a little pained.
- No, no.
I-I always cry when I finish a job.
Yeah, it's very common amongst freelancers.
[CLICKS MOUTH.]
They did a write-up about it.
I can forward it to you.
- Yeah, I would love to see that.
- Yeah.
Okay, the most important part is not to kill anyone - not in here, not out there.
- Got it.
Now, genetically, you are starting from a disadvantage because your mother is a terrible driver.
That's not gendered.
She just sucks.
But you're also a part of me, and I am friggin' - Can I start the engine? - Start the engine, yeah.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Now, check your mirrors.
Good.
This one.
Turn your signal on.
- [TURN SIGNAL CLICKING.]
- Yeah, Mae! Attagirl! Here we go! Driving! We're driving! Okay, now, if possible, just stay straight the whole time so we don't have to deal with turns.
We can deal with turns another time.
Thanks for your confidence.
Hey, should I take a video for - Mom! - Yeah.
- No, there's Mom.
- What? - Should I honk? - No, do not honk! Okay, slow down and tail her.
Can you tail her? Seems like you guys are in a super healthy place.
I need you to stay at a safe stalking distance.
I don't remember that in the manual.
That's three car lengths, smart ass! Okay, get over.
Get over! Well, she turned.
I remember turning wasn't on the itinerary, so Turn, turn! Turn now! Turn, turn! [SIGHS.]
- That's a good turn.
- Thanks.
[BABY LAUGHS.]
- Hey, big girl! - Annie? It's Annie.
There we go.
There we go.
Who's Annie? Oh, come here.
Oh I am gonna miss hanging out with you.
But you know what? - We're gonna - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Lisa, did you forget something Did we ring the wrong buzzer? I rang 1818.
- You must be Lisa's parents! - Don and Dottie Apple.
- From Nampa.
Who are you? - I'm Lena.
Lisa's cleaning lady.
Lisa has a cleaning lady? How much money are you sending her? [BABY COOS.]
Is that my grandbaby that I hear - Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
- Hey, pumpkin! Hey - Oh, wash your hands, please.
- Hey, please wash your hands! It's flu season.
- what are you doin'? Look at how - You just came off of a filthy, disgusting airplane.
- beautiful you are - Oh, god you yeah - Yes, you.
You need to wash your hands.
Yeah.
Lisa says.
- She's just very stringent about hand-washing.
- I'll be right back, all right? That's good - that's good thinking.
[WATER RUNNING.]
- Yeah.
Well, look at you, ya little doll baby, huh? [GASPS.]
Look at you, my beauty.
[GASPS QUIETLY.]
Cuddles? For Granny Apple? Huh? - Whoa - Or cuddles on this nice, clean blanket instead of your gross airplane sweater.
I could imagine Lisa saying.
Mom, Dad, you're early! - There she is.
Hello, honey.
- Oh, look at your little angel.
Don't worry.
Your cleaning lady made us wash our hands.
My cleaning lady? - Yes, and I am finished for the day, Miss A.
- Hello, sweetie.
Unless there's something else you needed? No, that will be all.
So, just need a moment to feed the baby.
Oh.
Don, let's give her some privacy.
Sure thing.
We can walk Lorna down to the car.
Oh, yeah, Lorna.
My half-sister? We just found out about her the night she was born.
Been trying to figure out the right way to tell you guys.
You guys really messed up this family, huh? [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
That's one way to look at it.
I prefer to marvel at our resilience.
No matter what tries to tear us apart, we always just fuse right back together, stronger than ever, like, um Bones do that, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Bones.
[SIGHS.]
You seem like a really great gal, so Don here's gonna give it to you straight.
Don? You're gonna have to find a new job, Lorna.
We intend to move Lisa and Annie back home to Nampa.
And if she refuses, we're gonna cut her off financially, which means that you'll still have to find another job.
Lisa's a grown woman.
Don't you think she should be the one who decides where to raise her daughter? Well, Lisa may be a grown woman, but her decision-making skills are sorely lacking.
How 'bout the loser she let knock her up? Martin? He's not a loser.
He's a really great guy.
Really great guy? Where is he? I don't see him anywhere.
- Where is he? - Can't find him.
- He's gone! - Where'd he go? Lisa told him not to come around.
Well, that's her only smart decision.
I saw a picture of him when they were dating.
He looks like "Encino Man.
" And from what we heard, he went back to his ex-wife.
Talk about a step backwards.
Frump city! That seems a little harsh.
Lisa's got nothing here no support system at all.
Forgive me, but if you were really concerned about Annie or Lisa, would you really withhold support just to get them to bend to your will? You must really need this job.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
[LULLABY PLAYING.]
LENA: Martin? Um, I need to talk to you about something.
There's something I have to tell you.
Soothing little lullaby, isn't it? You think Annie would like it? I mean, that is your new client, right? Annie.
How did you know? I saw you with her.
I happened to be with my other daughter, Mae.
I was giving her driving lessons, which turned into spying lessons.
- No! Oh, my gosh, Mae? - Yeah.
How did she take the news? Surprisingly well.
I'm so sorry, Martin.
I'm sorry that I didn't stay out of it like you asked, and I'm sorry that I've been sneaking around behind your back.
Are you mad at me? I-I just want to know how she is.
Annie is great.
Lisa, not so much.
Her family came to town and they're pressuring her to move back home.
But she can't she can't do that, can she? I mean, she can't leave the state with Annie.
Honestly, I don't think she wants to.
But I know she's really stressed because her parents are cutting her off.
And I told her I can't help anymore.
I-I didn't want to keep going behind your back.
I got her something.
Go ahead.
Open it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aww.
That is so sweet.
[CHUCKLES.]
She's gonna love it.
Why don't why don't you take it to her? The next time you go over there to help? Really? [DANIEL JOHNSTON'S "TRUE LOVE WILL FIND YOU IN THE END" PLAYS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- True love will find you - You know - In the end - I think that lullaby was playing the night we conceived Mason.
- Really? Well, it just so happens that - Mm.
- I'm wearing my dirty white underwear.
- You'll find out just who was - Mm, and I have about 15 minutes - Your friend - till I'm due back at the mine.
Mm-hmm.
- Is that so? - Gets real lonely down in the mine.
- Don't be sad, I know you will - And that's why I need a good woman to - Shh.
Yeah, that's - it's too much, baby.
- Okay.
[SMOOCHES.]
Don't give up until - True love will find you in the end - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, Annie.
Annie, this is from your dad.
Martin said I could keep coming over even if he's not allowed to.
Really? Martin said that? Yes, and I'd love to keep helping out, especially if it keeps you from moving in with Don and Dottie, who, let's be honest, seem slightly toxic.
But I have one rule.
No trash-talking Martin.
Got it.
But wait, you're allowed to trash-talk my parents? Well, I got that one in before the rule.
- [ANNIE COOS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Come in.
Aww.
You sad because you have no one to shred with? Why don't you call Martin? Can't call Martin.
Ever since you told me that Lena goss, I've been avoiding him.
I'm not good at keeping secrets! MARTIN: It's okay, man.
I already know.
Martin? MARTIN: Your helmet called me 20 minutes ago.
20 minutes 20 minutes I'm tryin' to think what I said in the last 20 minutes.
Nothing major, but I definitely have to side with Camille on this one.
Don't say it.
Don't you dare say it.
"Crazy Rich Asians" - Don't do this to us! It isn't for you! - was good, not great.
It isn't for you! Not everything's for you!