Sports Night (1998) s02e15 Episode Script
Celebrities
This is Yehudi Menuhin.
What? When I pat|my stomach like this,|this is Yehudi Menuhin.
-- Right.
And what is that?|-- It's a signal.
We need a signal|for Yehudi Menuhin? You're gonna be amazed at how many times|it's gonna come up.
Yeah, I think I will be.
-- I chose you|for my team, Casey.
|-- Yes.
I picked you.
|I picked you first.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
-- Teamwork|and a brotherly thing.
|-- Yes.
Hey, I won't|let you down.
What's the signal? Patting your stomach.
What's the signal for? -- Hmm.
Uh|-- Yehudi Menuhin.
Well, look, maybe if you|made a little playbook|or something like that -- I did make a playbook,|okay, pal? I did.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Now, l-I could have|picked Dave first.
|You know that, right? Yeah, I know.
I won the coin toss.
|I had first pick.
What, you're saying that|Dave's better than I am? Did I say that? You said you could have|picked him first.
To demonstrate my confidence|in you is all, okay? I-I had won the coin toss,|I had first pick, and I picked you.
|Natalie picked Dave.
Yeah, who else? -- Who else is on her team?|-- Yeah.
Uh, Dana, Elliot,|and Will.
And we're who?|Who are we? We're Chris, Kim,|lsaac, me, and you.
-- Well, we got a shot.
|-- We got|a really good shot And I've got total|confidence in you.
Now, what's the signal|for Yehudi Menuhin? I extend my forearm|and grab my wrist like so.
No, that's|offensive holding.
Oh, that doesn't come up|in this game? Oh! Natalie, I'll trade you|Casey for Dave, straight up.
Sorry, pal, but you|lost the coin toss.
Hey, I thought|you won the coin toss.
I didn't win it|outright, Casey.
|I came in second.
You're going down tonight,|Dartmouth.
Good, she's|talking trash now.
Elliot: Three minutes live.
-- Dana.
|-- Yes? -- Outside a second?|-- Yeah.
What's my drop-dead|time on Milwaukee? Make sure somebody|knows that.
Thank you.
The Sports Report's|100 most influential people.
-- Is it out?|-- It's on the stands Friday, but they're leaking|it tomorrow.
-- Did they leak it tonight?|-- Yep.
-- Are we on it?|-- Casey's 92.
-- Where's Dan?|-- He's not on it.
-- Dan's not on it?|-- No.
Well, I wouldn't tell him|till after the show.
Actually, I was gonna|not tell him at all|and have you do it.
-- Why?|-- You make a lot more|money than I do.
I'm paid that money|to delegate.
Not gonna happen.
-- Natalie|-- My head's in the game,|Dana.
-- Did you really win|the coin toss?|-- Yes.
And you picked me first? [ Sighs .]
Of course|I picked you first.
-- You picked Dave first.
|-- Yes.
So the only reason|you picked me is that|Natalie won the coin toss.
I'd have picked you|anyway.
-- Oh, really?|-- No.
You'd have picked Dave.
I need him on 19th-century|French philosophers.
|I need him on hip-hop.
Oh, like I don't know|hip-hop? -- You're all set.
|-- I know hip-hop, Alyson.
Dave: Roll VTR.
|-- Okay.
- Here's new grid copy|for Dallas.
|-- Thanks.
|-- Good show.
-- Is there a game tonight?|-- What? You guys are playing|Celebrities tonight? You know, I think Natalie|said something about that, -- but I'm not quite sure.
|-- This sucks, you know that? -- Look, I'm sure it's|okay if you play.
|-- Thanks.
-- Jeremy|-- lnvite me, don't invite|me, but this sucks.
This is her thing.
|What do you want me to do? -- Yeah, yeah.
|-- This is a new grid|for Dallas? Yeah.
-- He's got a fair point.
|-- Yes.
-- This is getting|uncomfortable.
|-- Yes.
This is why I discourage|fraternization in the office.
-- You discourage|fraternization?|-- I do.
Are you not counting the last|year and a half with Dana? I am, as a matter of fact,|not counting that.
-- Okay.
|-- Did I go|on a date with her? I'm very excited|about this game tonight.
No, I did not go on|a date with her.
Natalie's beaten me one|too many times, and it's|time to reclaim my manhood.
-- It's payback night|for Dana as well.
|-- We're gonna|wipe 'em up, dude.
-- We're gonna do it|with the fundamentals.
|-- We got superior education.
-- We've got superior|powers of communication.
|-- Yes.
-- And between you and me|-- I know.
-- I wouldn't say|this publicly|-- 'Cause that|would be obnoxious -- Of course, but just|between us|-- We're much|smarter than they are.
-- Yes.
|-- When is it gonna dawn|on the two of you that we can hear|everything you're saying? All right.
We're gonna need to get|back to the fundamentals.
Yeah.
Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Casey McCall|alongside Dan Rydell, and this is|"Sports Night.
" We're starting|in a few minutes.
Danny? Yes? # I like New York in June,|how about you? # Wow.
What are we, uh, what are we doing now, lsaac? That song|was written in 1940 for a movie called|"Babes on Broadway.
" Ask me another.
You're aware that this game|that we're playing is about famous people|and not song titles.
I understand that.
I'm|just saying that I have|a comprehensive command of American musicals,|and people don't know that|about me.
-- And you want them to?|-- I have a|comprehensive command.
-- Are you up for|this game tonight?|-- Danny 'Cause I'm trying|to reclaim my manhood.
-- Name a song.
|-- I was gonna go change.
-- A song from a musical --|name a damn song.
|-- I was gonna go change.
"How Are Things|in Glocca Morra?" That's gonna bug|the crap out of me.
We're starting|in a few minutes.
"How Are Things|in Glocca Morra?" [ Knock on door,|door opens .]
-- You sent for me?|-- Yes.
You enjoy doing that,|don't you? -- Sending for you? Yes.
|-- Yes.
Well, I want you to know that your neuroses-riddled|female power plays aren't gonna bring you|what you want.
I sent for you.
|You're here.
Yes.
-- I'm doing fine.
|-- Now what do you want? According to|The Sports Report, you are the 92nd most|influential person in sports.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
Dan and I are 92nd? -- CaseyIisten to me.
|-- 92nd?|Now, now, wait a minute.
I think we're at least 65,|and that's being conservative.
Dan's not on the list.
What are you talking about? You're 92nd.
|He's not on the list.
-- Well, how do you know?|-- I know.
How do you know? We found out last night that|they're leaking it tomorrow.
Why don't they just|publish the damn thing? What does it matter?|I'm saying -- -- Does Danny know?|-- No.
-- When's he gonna find out?|-- I thought l'd|leave that up to you.
[ Sighs .]
|You're delegating? Part of my neuroses-riddled|female power play.
-- Well, it won't work.
|-- Leave now.
Okay.
[ lndistinct,|slow rock music plays .]
It's a parallelogram.
No, it's not.
It really is.
Mmm, suit yourself.
Yes, except it really|is a parallelogram.
The sum of two adjacent|angles of a parallelogram have to equal|180 degrees.
I know that.
Okay.
Really.
It's okay to admit|that you don't.
I actually have a degree|in applied mathematics.
Oh, well, they should have|made you come to class|more because it's nowhere -- hey, you know, it was|freeform sculpture.
I wasn't really|using a protractor, -- and a couple of times|the olives broke.
|-- Oh.
My name's Jenny.
I'm Jeremy Goodwin.
Nice to meet you.
Have we met? Oh, l, uh,|I don't think so.
You sure you didn't|go to Amherst? I went to Arizona State.
-- Oh, you're a Sun Devil.
|-- Uh-huh.
We didn't go to camp|together? I, uh, never went to camp.
Oh, you should have|gone to camp.
It's great.
I heard.
Are you in sports? Why do you ask? 'Cause you really seem|very familiar to me.
Are you in sports? Yeah.
Are youSammy Sosa? No.
Of course not,|because Sammy Sosa's a big Dominican man|in a Cubs uniform.
Yeah.
No, I work across|the street at CSC.
You work for "Sports Night"? I'm a producer.
You produce|"Sports Night"? That's sufficiently|impressive.
Oh, I don't|produce it myself.
There's an executive producer|and a senior associate, both of whom|are above me.
Do you think your career|progress is being thwarted by your inability|to make a parallelogram? -- [ Laughs .]
|-- I actually do not, no.
Think you'd have|more friends if you knew -- -- I know how to make|a parallelogram.
|-- Okay.
I also have|plenty of friends.
You just prefer|to drink alone.
My friends are mad|at me right now.
Why? I broke up|with their girlfriend.
Ah.
Are you sure|I don't know you? No.
-- The best thing|for you to do right now|-- Yeah? buy me a drink.
Okay.
[ lndistinct shouting .]
|Quiet, please.
Folks, quiet!|[ Shouting stops .]
Whoo!|Herein are the rules -- Each team will send one player|to the sacred helmet of names.
That player will have|60 seconds to get his team to name as many|of the celebrities written down in the sacred helmet|as possible.
You may employ|any means necessary except saying any part|of the person's name.
When the game is over, Dan will hoist me|on his shoulders.
I'm reclaiming|my manhood today, baby.
-- Let's go.
|Chris: Hang on.
-- What?|-- Will's in the bathroom.
-- We shall wait.
|-- Yes, we shall.
Casey? [ Laughter .]
You snapped|your fingers? -- Yes.
|-- Why? -- To get you to come|to me quickly.
Have you|spoken to Dan yet?|-- Ah.
-- No.
|No, 'cause you know why?|-- Casey 'Cause I don't want|to ruin his good time tonight.
Why don't you use this|opportunity of Will|being in the bathroom -- I'm back! Yes, you are,|thank God.
Before we start, I'd like|to ask a question.
-- Is it about the rules?|-- Yes.
-- What?|-- Does anyone know the lyrics -- to "How Are Things|in Glocca Morra?"|-- I do not.
I have a comprehensive|knowledge of these things.
We don't know|the lyrics, lsaac.
Are we ready to wipe|the smug off their faces? -- Yes!|-- Yes!|-- Yes! Are we ready|to reclaim our manhood? -- Ugh!|-- Huh!|-- Whoo! Then let|the games begin.
[ lndistinct shouting .]
All right, let's go.
All right, uh, this guy|was attorney general in|1973 for about 5 minutes.
-- Saturday Night Massacre --|-- Elliot Richardson.
-- After him.
|-- William Ruckelshaus.
-- Yes!|-- Ooh.
|-- Ooh.
This guy|defeated Montezuma.
-- Cortés.
|-- Yes.
-- Need a first name.
|-- Chris -- Come on, come on.
|-- Jack.
-- There it is -- Jack.
|-- Aw.
It was Jack! His friends called him Jack.
|This guy got Al Capone.
-- Elliot Ness.
|-- Yes.
Uh, t-this guy was|one of the Monkees.
-- Davy Jones.
|-- Not Davy Jones, but -- Veronica.
|-- No, what?! No, Veronica w-- -- Played the tambourine.
|-- That wasn't a real band.
Yeah, well,|neither are the Monkees! They're real people, okay? -- And the guy,|like a mouse --|-- Time! [ Groaning .]
Time! [ Light laughter .]
|Veronica? Well, yeah, 'cause I put|her name in the helmet.
I thought that maybe|you picked it.
Yeah, you thought|there was some crossover between the Archies|and the Monkees? Hey, look, I'm under a certain|amount of pressure here! -- Yeah, well, you're|dealing with it well.
|-- Hey you got four, and that's|giving you Jack Cortés.
After 3 full rounds,|we are ahead by 22.
[ Cheering .]
Just call time out.
-- Time out.
|-- For what? -- For what?|-- We need to regroup|and get some more beer.
-- [ Groaning .]
|-- Yeah, we need to regroup|and get some more beer.
I'm setting this alarm|for 10 minutes.
When this thing goes off,|we come back to finish|what we began.
[ Laughing .]
Oh, my God.
I don't think I'm ever|gonna get my manhood|back, am l? It's not really clear|you ever had it|in the first place.
No, you had it,|you had it.
Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Casey McCall|alongside -- -- Hang on.
|-- What? It's not "Good evening|from New York City.
" It's "Good evening" --|comma -- "from New York City|I'm Casey McCall.
" You pronounce the comma? You don't pronounce it,|but you acknowledge it.
-- I acknowledged it.
|-- No, you didn't.
You want me|to doff my cap? -- Oh, it wouldn't kill you.
|-- I don't have a cap.
Then you should|doff something else.
What did you have|in mind? What? -- Uh-oh.
|-- No.
I, uh, just took it to|the next level, didn't l? Did you? If you're not sure, then|I didn't do a good job.
That's not necessarily true.
|I'm not that good with|these kinds of things, and usually a girl needs|to smack me in the head and hold up a sign.
Good to know.
There are areas|in which I'm an expert.
-- Name some.
|-- Sports.
Hmmhow many home runs did|Ken Griffey hit in '97? Ken Griffey wasn't|playing baseball in '97, but his son|Ken Griffey Jr.
Hit 56.
-- He hit 54.
|-- You are wrong.
-- I don't think so.
|-- I know so.
-- You want to make a bet?|-- You'll lose.
I don't think so.
I've got the Elias Sports|Book across the street.
I'm not going anywhere.
I used to know these songs.
I used to sing them|with my friend Cory,|a rehearsal accompanist.
Hey, why don't you|give Cory a call? Oh, he died|about a year ago.
Sorry.
Yeah, I can't remember|the lyrics.
Well, you're ahead of|us, lsaac, 'cause we|never knew the lyrics.
I forgot my grandson's|name this morning, just for a moment, but it seemed|longer than that.
Completely forgot his name.
Oh, man,|when I was growing up,|my father would call upstairs to me and my brother|and my sister.
He'd go through|such a Rolodex of names -- [ Chuckles .]
|-- before he'd hit on anything even in the vicinity|of our names that it -- Yeah.
|-- You work a long day.
Yeah,|I'll remember it.
Well, don't go far.
|We're starting again soon.
Yeah.
It's when he gets tired.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, here's something|you're not gonna like.
-- What?|-- Uh, well, I don't think|it's a big deal.
-- I don't think anybody|else is gonna think|it's a big deal, either.
|-- What? -- Hey, Jeremy.
|-- Hey, I just, uh, I need to|borrow your copy of Elias.
Uh, it's up|in the cabinet.
We feel bad.
It's one of those things.
Hey, why don't you|stay and play? No, you know what?|I think it's better for|Natalie to be able to -- Nah, come on.
Yeah, I'm just gonna|grab this and go.
That book is mine,|and it doesn't|leave the building.
Do you know how anal|you are about your books? Uh, I know that Natalie's|got your manhood stuffed|inside of her Prada bag.
I'll make a copy.
-- Let's go.
|-- l-I still need|to talk to you.
All right, well, later.
|[ Chuckles .]
Here we go! We, uh, led off|the last round.
|You lead off this one.
-- Uh, is she, uh,|talking to me?|-- Yeah.
Elliot: 5432 This is the secretary-general|of the U.
N.
Kofi Annan.
Yes, uh, no.
Oh, oh, oh,|Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
-- Yes.
|-- Bet your ass.
Okay, this is a porn star.
|This is a female porn star.
Uh, da da da da,|off the top of my head, I can't think of the names|of the films she's been in.
Act them out for us.
I don't think so.
Uh, okay, I can tell you she was|in "the best of Nina Hartley.
" [ Whistle blows .]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What, what, what?|That was a violation? What is the one rule|of Celebrities? Y-You can't say|the person's name? You can't say|the person's name! Dana: All right,|we'll give 'em one|for Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and the rest of|his round is over! [ Indistinct groaning .]
Casey: Sorry.
[ lndistinct,|slow rock music plays .]
Hey! What took you|so long? Oh, yeah, I was -- -- Let me see.
|-- Jenny? -- Aw, son of a bitch.
|-- Yeah.
You were right.
-- I do it for a living.
|-- Oh You figured out|how you recognized me.
Yeah.
You really shouldn't watch|those kinds of movies, Jeremy.
I don't, I swear.
Sometimes I get home|very late at night|because of the show, and Channel 35.
-- Well, it's just there.
|-- It's okay.
-- Look|-- It's okayto enjoy|the movies, Jeremy.
That's why I make them.
-- Yeah, but --|-- I do that for a living.
Well, l, you know You're very good.
Thank you.
Anyway,|it's 56 home runs.
Why don't you come out with|me and my friends tonight? There's a party.
Why are you talking to me? What do you mean? There are a lot of guys|in this bar.
-- Jeremy|-- There are a lot of|guys in this city.
Why did I start|talking to you? Yes.
Ow.
It's what you|told me to do.
-- Really?|-- I made a sign.
"l think you're cute, and|I've had fun talking to you, and I'd like you|to ask me out.
" Yes.
That's pretty flattering.
Well, I should think so.
|[ Sighs .]
I can't.
You didn't like|talking to me? No, I did.
But now that you know|what I do for a living -- My point is that I am|nothing like the people|that you associate with.
How do you know|who I associate with? I've seen them in the movies.
-- Yes, those are people|I work with.
|-- Yes.
And in what ways|are you not like them? Well, anatomically,|to be sure.
Thank God for that.
Yeah.
-- Come out with us.
|-- Look No one is gonna|take their penis out and hit you in|the head with it.
Thank God for that.
Come on.
It's just not my world.
I'm sorry? I'm not making|any judgment at all.
It's just not my world.
AhI think you are|making a judgment, Jeremy, 'cause the whole|thing's your world.
You get to try|everything you can.
I -- you're not|in my world, either, but I started|talking to you anyway because I don't ordinarily|get to meet guys like you, and I really wanted to.
So I think you are|making a judgment, because it's either fear or some ridiculous|preconception that I am someone who|can't be seen in daylight that's keeping you|from saying yes, because I know|you like to talk to me, and I know that|you like to look at me.
I hope it's fear, because|the other's really pathetic.
[ Sighs deeply .]
Either way, I've, uh I've got a Website, so if you've got|a credit card, you can look at me|where it's more comfortable.
Thanks for the drinks.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, my God.
This is it.
|[ Laughs .]
-- What are you doing?|-- It's the signal.
-- What's he doing?|-- It's a signal.
It's Rooty something.
-- Nope.
|-- It's Rooty.
No, it's not.
It's Rooty Rooty.
[ Laughter .]
|Okay, Casey, come on -- -- Rooty, Rooty, Rooty.
|-- No, no, no.
-- Well,|j-just give me a second!|-- Rooty -- I got it!|-- Please! So I ask|each weepin' willow and each brook along the way and each lad that comes|a-whistlin' too-ra-lay, "How are things|in Glocca Morra|thisfineday?" Excellent! Can we please -- -- And my grandson's name|is Matthew, by the way.
|-- Can we please -- Come on,|what am I doing? Rooty.
Rooty.
Listen, listen, listen,|quickly, quickly, calmly,|for the love of God, please stop saying|Rooty, okay? All right, I'm gonna|get this.
This is|an lsraeli violinist.
Yehudi Menuhin! -- Yes!|Elliot: Time! We got one! [ Cheering .]
[ lndistinct shouting .]
Yes, we did.
We did.
|We got one.
And it was a testament|to great teamwork, however|ragged it may have been.
Oh, yeah, jeez, the guilt|is practically flying|out of my ears here.
We need to take a break.
No breaks.
-- Just get a beer?|-- Okay.
Can I talk to you|for a second? Don't let my enthusiasm|out there mislead you.
This team still needs|a lot of work.
Yeah, uh|[Sighs.]
listen.
The Sports Report's top 100|list is coming out Friday.
Yeah, was it leaked? Uh, yeah.
|Y-You're not on it.
-- What else is new?|-- I am on it.
-- Really?|-- 92.
That's great.
[ Clink .]
|Look -- Although I think|you got gypped.
I mean, you should|have been at least -- -- Who was higher than you?|-- Danny, I -- look, look -- No, I'm saying, I mean,|who's higher than you? -- Is it?|-- Yeah.
Thanks|for your permission.
I'm sorry.
Nah, that's a good thing,|'cause I was running out of stuff to talk about|with my therapist.
Look, trust me, this isn't|a problem for your therapist.
This is a problem|for your publicist.
-- Dude, I don't have|a publicist.
|-- I know.
-- Excuse me.
|-- Hey.
I feel like I've been|interrupting you guys|in the middle of things.
-- No.
Look, no.
|-- Yeah.
Come on, this has|to stop, all right? We're with you on this.
|Nothing's changed.
Natalie's just a little|tweaked.
We're gonna|deal with it.
And it's wrong|to think that there|are two sides on this.
I appreciate that.
I'm just|gonna sit here a second.
I've been having|a bit of a night.
I'm just gonna|take a second.
What's going on? Nothing.
Okay.
Well, let's go.
|Game time.
-- We're all right?|-- We're perfectly fine.
Hey, did you mean it when|you said that you thought|I should be higher than 92? Yes.
Well, if I could trade|my 92 in -- for your "Didn't make|the list at all," I would.
|-- Thanks.
Though, rest assured,|that kind of thing is|completely beyond my control.
[ Timer dings .]
|-- Game time!|-- Get out.
Elliot: 5-second warning.
Isaac: Okay.
|-- In 32 Okay, this guy|is an explorer.
He discovered|an east trade route.
He discovered|worlds beyond Europe.
Natalie: Marco Polo.
Umoh, okay,|this guy is dead.
He broke all the rules|for guitar.
Dave: Oh, Jimi Hendrix.
Um, okay,|this guy didn't use any of the recognized rules|of punctuation.
Will: e.
e.
cummings.
[ Cheering .]
Yes! Ooh, sorry.
Okay, downtown artist|turned soup cans -- Andy Warhol.
Uh, oh, oh, famous comedian,|uh, from the '60s.
Elliot: Alan King.
No, not Alan King.
He went|to jail for obscenity -- Lenny Bruce.
|Elliot: Lenny Bruce! Yes! Okay, this is -- uh, ooh, this is a famous|American poet.
He escaped society|to live in the -- Thoreau.
|Natalie: Henry David Thoreau.
Yes.
|Okay, this is a dancer.
Yes, this is a dancer.
|She scandalized Paris|in the '20s -- Marilyn Monroe!|-- Josephine Baker.
The '20s --|she did a fan dance.
Will: Josephine Baker.
|[ Cheering .]
Chris: Time! [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Rock music plays .]
What? When I pat|my stomach like this,|this is Yehudi Menuhin.
-- Right.
And what is that?|-- It's a signal.
We need a signal|for Yehudi Menuhin? You're gonna be amazed at how many times|it's gonna come up.
Yeah, I think I will be.
-- I chose you|for my team, Casey.
|-- Yes.
I picked you.
|I picked you first.
Yeah, I appreciate that.
-- Teamwork|and a brotherly thing.
|-- Yes.
Hey, I won't|let you down.
What's the signal? Patting your stomach.
What's the signal for? -- Hmm.
Uh|-- Yehudi Menuhin.
Well, look, maybe if you|made a little playbook|or something like that -- I did make a playbook,|okay, pal? I did.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Now, l-I could have|picked Dave first.
|You know that, right? Yeah, I know.
I won the coin toss.
|I had first pick.
What, you're saying that|Dave's better than I am? Did I say that? You said you could have|picked him first.
To demonstrate my confidence|in you is all, okay? I-I had won the coin toss,|I had first pick, and I picked you.
|Natalie picked Dave.
Yeah, who else? -- Who else is on her team?|-- Yeah.
Uh, Dana, Elliot,|and Will.
And we're who?|Who are we? We're Chris, Kim,|lsaac, me, and you.
-- Well, we got a shot.
|-- We got|a really good shot And I've got total|confidence in you.
Now, what's the signal|for Yehudi Menuhin? I extend my forearm|and grab my wrist like so.
No, that's|offensive holding.
Oh, that doesn't come up|in this game? Oh! Natalie, I'll trade you|Casey for Dave, straight up.
Sorry, pal, but you|lost the coin toss.
Hey, I thought|you won the coin toss.
I didn't win it|outright, Casey.
|I came in second.
You're going down tonight,|Dartmouth.
Good, she's|talking trash now.
Elliot: Three minutes live.
-- Dana.
|-- Yes? -- Outside a second?|-- Yeah.
What's my drop-dead|time on Milwaukee? Make sure somebody|knows that.
Thank you.
The Sports Report's|100 most influential people.
-- Is it out?|-- It's on the stands Friday, but they're leaking|it tomorrow.
-- Did they leak it tonight?|-- Yep.
-- Are we on it?|-- Casey's 92.
-- Where's Dan?|-- He's not on it.
-- Dan's not on it?|-- No.
Well, I wouldn't tell him|till after the show.
Actually, I was gonna|not tell him at all|and have you do it.
-- Why?|-- You make a lot more|money than I do.
I'm paid that money|to delegate.
Not gonna happen.
-- Natalie|-- My head's in the game,|Dana.
-- Did you really win|the coin toss?|-- Yes.
And you picked me first? [ Sighs .]
Of course|I picked you first.
-- You picked Dave first.
|-- Yes.
So the only reason|you picked me is that|Natalie won the coin toss.
I'd have picked you|anyway.
-- Oh, really?|-- No.
You'd have picked Dave.
I need him on 19th-century|French philosophers.
|I need him on hip-hop.
Oh, like I don't know|hip-hop? -- You're all set.
|-- I know hip-hop, Alyson.
Dave: Roll VTR.
|-- Okay.
- Here's new grid copy|for Dallas.
|-- Thanks.
|-- Good show.
-- Is there a game tonight?|-- What? You guys are playing|Celebrities tonight? You know, I think Natalie|said something about that, -- but I'm not quite sure.
|-- This sucks, you know that? -- Look, I'm sure it's|okay if you play.
|-- Thanks.
-- Jeremy|-- lnvite me, don't invite|me, but this sucks.
This is her thing.
|What do you want me to do? -- Yeah, yeah.
|-- This is a new grid|for Dallas? Yeah.
-- He's got a fair point.
|-- Yes.
-- This is getting|uncomfortable.
|-- Yes.
This is why I discourage|fraternization in the office.
-- You discourage|fraternization?|-- I do.
Are you not counting the last|year and a half with Dana? I am, as a matter of fact,|not counting that.
-- Okay.
|-- Did I go|on a date with her? I'm very excited|about this game tonight.
No, I did not go on|a date with her.
Natalie's beaten me one|too many times, and it's|time to reclaim my manhood.
-- It's payback night|for Dana as well.
|-- We're gonna|wipe 'em up, dude.
-- We're gonna do it|with the fundamentals.
|-- We got superior education.
-- We've got superior|powers of communication.
|-- Yes.
-- And between you and me|-- I know.
-- I wouldn't say|this publicly|-- 'Cause that|would be obnoxious -- Of course, but just|between us|-- We're much|smarter than they are.
-- Yes.
|-- When is it gonna dawn|on the two of you that we can hear|everything you're saying? All right.
We're gonna need to get|back to the fundamentals.
Yeah.
Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Casey McCall|alongside Dan Rydell, and this is|"Sports Night.
" We're starting|in a few minutes.
Danny? Yes? # I like New York in June,|how about you? # Wow.
What are we, uh, what are we doing now, lsaac? That song|was written in 1940 for a movie called|"Babes on Broadway.
" Ask me another.
You're aware that this game|that we're playing is about famous people|and not song titles.
I understand that.
I'm|just saying that I have|a comprehensive command of American musicals,|and people don't know that|about me.
-- And you want them to?|-- I have a|comprehensive command.
-- Are you up for|this game tonight?|-- Danny 'Cause I'm trying|to reclaim my manhood.
-- Name a song.
|-- I was gonna go change.
-- A song from a musical --|name a damn song.
|-- I was gonna go change.
"How Are Things|in Glocca Morra?" That's gonna bug|the crap out of me.
We're starting|in a few minutes.
"How Are Things|in Glocca Morra?" [ Knock on door,|door opens .]
-- You sent for me?|-- Yes.
You enjoy doing that,|don't you? -- Sending for you? Yes.
|-- Yes.
Well, I want you to know that your neuroses-riddled|female power plays aren't gonna bring you|what you want.
I sent for you.
|You're here.
Yes.
-- I'm doing fine.
|-- Now what do you want? According to|The Sports Report, you are the 92nd most|influential person in sports.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
Dan and I are 92nd? -- CaseyIisten to me.
|-- 92nd?|Now, now, wait a minute.
I think we're at least 65,|and that's being conservative.
Dan's not on the list.
What are you talking about? You're 92nd.
|He's not on the list.
-- Well, how do you know?|-- I know.
How do you know? We found out last night that|they're leaking it tomorrow.
Why don't they just|publish the damn thing? What does it matter?|I'm saying -- -- Does Danny know?|-- No.
-- When's he gonna find out?|-- I thought l'd|leave that up to you.
[ Sighs .]
|You're delegating? Part of my neuroses-riddled|female power play.
-- Well, it won't work.
|-- Leave now.
Okay.
[ lndistinct,|slow rock music plays .]
It's a parallelogram.
No, it's not.
It really is.
Mmm, suit yourself.
Yes, except it really|is a parallelogram.
The sum of two adjacent|angles of a parallelogram have to equal|180 degrees.
I know that.
Okay.
Really.
It's okay to admit|that you don't.
I actually have a degree|in applied mathematics.
Oh, well, they should have|made you come to class|more because it's nowhere -- hey, you know, it was|freeform sculpture.
I wasn't really|using a protractor, -- and a couple of times|the olives broke.
|-- Oh.
My name's Jenny.
I'm Jeremy Goodwin.
Nice to meet you.
Have we met? Oh, l, uh,|I don't think so.
You sure you didn't|go to Amherst? I went to Arizona State.
-- Oh, you're a Sun Devil.
|-- Uh-huh.
We didn't go to camp|together? I, uh, never went to camp.
Oh, you should have|gone to camp.
It's great.
I heard.
Are you in sports? Why do you ask? 'Cause you really seem|very familiar to me.
Are you in sports? Yeah.
Are youSammy Sosa? No.
Of course not,|because Sammy Sosa's a big Dominican man|in a Cubs uniform.
Yeah.
No, I work across|the street at CSC.
You work for "Sports Night"? I'm a producer.
You produce|"Sports Night"? That's sufficiently|impressive.
Oh, I don't|produce it myself.
There's an executive producer|and a senior associate, both of whom|are above me.
Do you think your career|progress is being thwarted by your inability|to make a parallelogram? -- [ Laughs .]
|-- I actually do not, no.
Think you'd have|more friends if you knew -- -- I know how to make|a parallelogram.
|-- Okay.
I also have|plenty of friends.
You just prefer|to drink alone.
My friends are mad|at me right now.
Why? I broke up|with their girlfriend.
Ah.
Are you sure|I don't know you? No.
-- The best thing|for you to do right now|-- Yeah? buy me a drink.
Okay.
[ lndistinct shouting .]
|Quiet, please.
Folks, quiet!|[ Shouting stops .]
Whoo!|Herein are the rules -- Each team will send one player|to the sacred helmet of names.
That player will have|60 seconds to get his team to name as many|of the celebrities written down in the sacred helmet|as possible.
You may employ|any means necessary except saying any part|of the person's name.
When the game is over, Dan will hoist me|on his shoulders.
I'm reclaiming|my manhood today, baby.
-- Let's go.
|Chris: Hang on.
-- What?|-- Will's in the bathroom.
-- We shall wait.
|-- Yes, we shall.
Casey? [ Laughter .]
You snapped|your fingers? -- Yes.
|-- Why? -- To get you to come|to me quickly.
Have you|spoken to Dan yet?|-- Ah.
-- No.
|No, 'cause you know why?|-- Casey 'Cause I don't want|to ruin his good time tonight.
Why don't you use this|opportunity of Will|being in the bathroom -- I'm back! Yes, you are,|thank God.
Before we start, I'd like|to ask a question.
-- Is it about the rules?|-- Yes.
-- What?|-- Does anyone know the lyrics -- to "How Are Things|in Glocca Morra?"|-- I do not.
I have a comprehensive|knowledge of these things.
We don't know|the lyrics, lsaac.
Are we ready to wipe|the smug off their faces? -- Yes!|-- Yes!|-- Yes! Are we ready|to reclaim our manhood? -- Ugh!|-- Huh!|-- Whoo! Then let|the games begin.
[ lndistinct shouting .]
All right, let's go.
All right, uh, this guy|was attorney general in|1973 for about 5 minutes.
-- Saturday Night Massacre --|-- Elliot Richardson.
-- After him.
|-- William Ruckelshaus.
-- Yes!|-- Ooh.
|-- Ooh.
This guy|defeated Montezuma.
-- Cortés.
|-- Yes.
-- Need a first name.
|-- Chris -- Come on, come on.
|-- Jack.
-- There it is -- Jack.
|-- Aw.
It was Jack! His friends called him Jack.
|This guy got Al Capone.
-- Elliot Ness.
|-- Yes.
Uh, t-this guy was|one of the Monkees.
-- Davy Jones.
|-- Not Davy Jones, but -- Veronica.
|-- No, what?! No, Veronica w-- -- Played the tambourine.
|-- That wasn't a real band.
Yeah, well,|neither are the Monkees! They're real people, okay? -- And the guy,|like a mouse --|-- Time! [ Groaning .]
Time! [ Light laughter .]
|Veronica? Well, yeah, 'cause I put|her name in the helmet.
I thought that maybe|you picked it.
Yeah, you thought|there was some crossover between the Archies|and the Monkees? Hey, look, I'm under a certain|amount of pressure here! -- Yeah, well, you're|dealing with it well.
|-- Hey you got four, and that's|giving you Jack Cortés.
After 3 full rounds,|we are ahead by 22.
[ Cheering .]
Just call time out.
-- Time out.
|-- For what? -- For what?|-- We need to regroup|and get some more beer.
-- [ Groaning .]
|-- Yeah, we need to regroup|and get some more beer.
I'm setting this alarm|for 10 minutes.
When this thing goes off,|we come back to finish|what we began.
[ Laughing .]
Oh, my God.
I don't think I'm ever|gonna get my manhood|back, am l? It's not really clear|you ever had it|in the first place.
No, you had it,|you had it.
Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Casey McCall|alongside -- -- Hang on.
|-- What? It's not "Good evening|from New York City.
" It's "Good evening" --|comma -- "from New York City|I'm Casey McCall.
" You pronounce the comma? You don't pronounce it,|but you acknowledge it.
-- I acknowledged it.
|-- No, you didn't.
You want me|to doff my cap? -- Oh, it wouldn't kill you.
|-- I don't have a cap.
Then you should|doff something else.
What did you have|in mind? What? -- Uh-oh.
|-- No.
I, uh, just took it to|the next level, didn't l? Did you? If you're not sure, then|I didn't do a good job.
That's not necessarily true.
|I'm not that good with|these kinds of things, and usually a girl needs|to smack me in the head and hold up a sign.
Good to know.
There are areas|in which I'm an expert.
-- Name some.
|-- Sports.
Hmmhow many home runs did|Ken Griffey hit in '97? Ken Griffey wasn't|playing baseball in '97, but his son|Ken Griffey Jr.
Hit 56.
-- He hit 54.
|-- You are wrong.
-- I don't think so.
|-- I know so.
-- You want to make a bet?|-- You'll lose.
I don't think so.
I've got the Elias Sports|Book across the street.
I'm not going anywhere.
I used to know these songs.
I used to sing them|with my friend Cory,|a rehearsal accompanist.
Hey, why don't you|give Cory a call? Oh, he died|about a year ago.
Sorry.
Yeah, I can't remember|the lyrics.
Well, you're ahead of|us, lsaac, 'cause we|never knew the lyrics.
I forgot my grandson's|name this morning, just for a moment, but it seemed|longer than that.
Completely forgot his name.
Oh, man,|when I was growing up,|my father would call upstairs to me and my brother|and my sister.
He'd go through|such a Rolodex of names -- [ Chuckles .]
|-- before he'd hit on anything even in the vicinity|of our names that it -- Yeah.
|-- You work a long day.
Yeah,|I'll remember it.
Well, don't go far.
|We're starting again soon.
Yeah.
It's when he gets tired.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, here's something|you're not gonna like.
-- What?|-- Uh, well, I don't think|it's a big deal.
-- I don't think anybody|else is gonna think|it's a big deal, either.
|-- What? -- Hey, Jeremy.
|-- Hey, I just, uh, I need to|borrow your copy of Elias.
Uh, it's up|in the cabinet.
We feel bad.
It's one of those things.
Hey, why don't you|stay and play? No, you know what?|I think it's better for|Natalie to be able to -- Nah, come on.
Yeah, I'm just gonna|grab this and go.
That book is mine,|and it doesn't|leave the building.
Do you know how anal|you are about your books? Uh, I know that Natalie's|got your manhood stuffed|inside of her Prada bag.
I'll make a copy.
-- Let's go.
|-- l-I still need|to talk to you.
All right, well, later.
|[ Chuckles .]
Here we go! We, uh, led off|the last round.
|You lead off this one.
-- Uh, is she, uh,|talking to me?|-- Yeah.
Elliot: 5432 This is the secretary-general|of the U.
N.
Kofi Annan.
Yes, uh, no.
Oh, oh, oh,|Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
-- Yes.
|-- Bet your ass.
Okay, this is a porn star.
|This is a female porn star.
Uh, da da da da,|off the top of my head, I can't think of the names|of the films she's been in.
Act them out for us.
I don't think so.
Uh, okay, I can tell you she was|in "the best of Nina Hartley.
" [ Whistle blows .]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What, what, what?|That was a violation? What is the one rule|of Celebrities? Y-You can't say|the person's name? You can't say|the person's name! Dana: All right,|we'll give 'em one|for Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and the rest of|his round is over! [ Indistinct groaning .]
Casey: Sorry.
[ lndistinct,|slow rock music plays .]
Hey! What took you|so long? Oh, yeah, I was -- -- Let me see.
|-- Jenny? -- Aw, son of a bitch.
|-- Yeah.
You were right.
-- I do it for a living.
|-- Oh You figured out|how you recognized me.
Yeah.
You really shouldn't watch|those kinds of movies, Jeremy.
I don't, I swear.
Sometimes I get home|very late at night|because of the show, and Channel 35.
-- Well, it's just there.
|-- It's okay.
-- Look|-- It's okayto enjoy|the movies, Jeremy.
That's why I make them.
-- Yeah, but --|-- I do that for a living.
Well, l, you know You're very good.
Thank you.
Anyway,|it's 56 home runs.
Why don't you come out with|me and my friends tonight? There's a party.
Why are you talking to me? What do you mean? There are a lot of guys|in this bar.
-- Jeremy|-- There are a lot of|guys in this city.
Why did I start|talking to you? Yes.
Ow.
It's what you|told me to do.
-- Really?|-- I made a sign.
"l think you're cute, and|I've had fun talking to you, and I'd like you|to ask me out.
" Yes.
That's pretty flattering.
Well, I should think so.
|[ Sighs .]
I can't.
You didn't like|talking to me? No, I did.
But now that you know|what I do for a living -- My point is that I am|nothing like the people|that you associate with.
How do you know|who I associate with? I've seen them in the movies.
-- Yes, those are people|I work with.
|-- Yes.
And in what ways|are you not like them? Well, anatomically,|to be sure.
Thank God for that.
Yeah.
-- Come out with us.
|-- Look No one is gonna|take their penis out and hit you in|the head with it.
Thank God for that.
Come on.
It's just not my world.
I'm sorry? I'm not making|any judgment at all.
It's just not my world.
AhI think you are|making a judgment, Jeremy, 'cause the whole|thing's your world.
You get to try|everything you can.
I -- you're not|in my world, either, but I started|talking to you anyway because I don't ordinarily|get to meet guys like you, and I really wanted to.
So I think you are|making a judgment, because it's either fear or some ridiculous|preconception that I am someone who|can't be seen in daylight that's keeping you|from saying yes, because I know|you like to talk to me, and I know that|you like to look at me.
I hope it's fear, because|the other's really pathetic.
[ Sighs deeply .]
Either way, I've, uh I've got a Website, so if you've got|a credit card, you can look at me|where it's more comfortable.
Thanks for the drinks.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, my God.
This is it.
|[ Laughs .]
-- What are you doing?|-- It's the signal.
-- What's he doing?|-- It's a signal.
It's Rooty something.
-- Nope.
|-- It's Rooty.
No, it's not.
It's Rooty Rooty.
[ Laughter .]
|Okay, Casey, come on -- -- Rooty, Rooty, Rooty.
|-- No, no, no.
-- Well,|j-just give me a second!|-- Rooty -- I got it!|-- Please! So I ask|each weepin' willow and each brook along the way and each lad that comes|a-whistlin' too-ra-lay, "How are things|in Glocca Morra|thisfineday?" Excellent! Can we please -- -- And my grandson's name|is Matthew, by the way.
|-- Can we please -- Come on,|what am I doing? Rooty.
Rooty.
Listen, listen, listen,|quickly, quickly, calmly,|for the love of God, please stop saying|Rooty, okay? All right, I'm gonna|get this.
This is|an lsraeli violinist.
Yehudi Menuhin! -- Yes!|Elliot: Time! We got one! [ Cheering .]
[ lndistinct shouting .]
Yes, we did.
We did.
|We got one.
And it was a testament|to great teamwork, however|ragged it may have been.
Oh, yeah, jeez, the guilt|is practically flying|out of my ears here.
We need to take a break.
No breaks.
-- Just get a beer?|-- Okay.
Can I talk to you|for a second? Don't let my enthusiasm|out there mislead you.
This team still needs|a lot of work.
Yeah, uh|[Sighs.]
listen.
The Sports Report's top 100|list is coming out Friday.
Yeah, was it leaked? Uh, yeah.
|Y-You're not on it.
-- What else is new?|-- I am on it.
-- Really?|-- 92.
That's great.
[ Clink .]
|Look -- Although I think|you got gypped.
I mean, you should|have been at least -- -- Who was higher than you?|-- Danny, I -- look, look -- No, I'm saying, I mean,|who's higher than you? -- Is it?|-- Yeah.
Thanks|for your permission.
I'm sorry.
Nah, that's a good thing,|'cause I was running out of stuff to talk about|with my therapist.
Look, trust me, this isn't|a problem for your therapist.
This is a problem|for your publicist.
-- Dude, I don't have|a publicist.
|-- I know.
-- Excuse me.
|-- Hey.
I feel like I've been|interrupting you guys|in the middle of things.
-- No.
Look, no.
|-- Yeah.
Come on, this has|to stop, all right? We're with you on this.
|Nothing's changed.
Natalie's just a little|tweaked.
We're gonna|deal with it.
And it's wrong|to think that there|are two sides on this.
I appreciate that.
I'm just|gonna sit here a second.
I've been having|a bit of a night.
I'm just gonna|take a second.
What's going on? Nothing.
Okay.
Well, let's go.
|Game time.
-- We're all right?|-- We're perfectly fine.
Hey, did you mean it when|you said that you thought|I should be higher than 92? Yes.
Well, if I could trade|my 92 in -- for your "Didn't make|the list at all," I would.
|-- Thanks.
Though, rest assured,|that kind of thing is|completely beyond my control.
[ Timer dings .]
|-- Game time!|-- Get out.
Elliot: 5-second warning.
Isaac: Okay.
|-- In 32 Okay, this guy|is an explorer.
He discovered|an east trade route.
He discovered|worlds beyond Europe.
Natalie: Marco Polo.
Umoh, okay,|this guy is dead.
He broke all the rules|for guitar.
Dave: Oh, Jimi Hendrix.
Um, okay,|this guy didn't use any of the recognized rules|of punctuation.
Will: e.
e.
cummings.
[ Cheering .]
Yes! Ooh, sorry.
Okay, downtown artist|turned soup cans -- Andy Warhol.
Uh, oh, oh, famous comedian,|uh, from the '60s.
Elliot: Alan King.
No, not Alan King.
He went|to jail for obscenity -- Lenny Bruce.
|Elliot: Lenny Bruce! Yes! Okay, this is -- uh, ooh, this is a famous|American poet.
He escaped society|to live in the -- Thoreau.
|Natalie: Henry David Thoreau.
Yes.
|Okay, this is a dancer.
Yes, this is a dancer.
|She scandalized Paris|in the '20s -- Marilyn Monroe!|-- Josephine Baker.
The '20s --|she did a fan dance.
Will: Josephine Baker.
|[ Cheering .]
Chris: Time! [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Rock music plays .]