Teachers (2016) s02e15 Episode Script
Hot Date
1 [ROCK MUSIC.]
No.
It can't be.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
CHILDREN: Ring around the Rosie Pocket full of posies Ashes, ashes, we all fall down Chicken pox! [DISTORTED VOICE ECHOING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Tear it down Tear it down [SIGHS.]
Lost another one.
Half the school is out with chicken pox.
Ugh.
It's such an ugly virus.
Yeah, it makes you feel horrible.
No, I mean, it literally makes you look ugly.
That's a beautiful dress.
What's the occasion? Oh, nothing.
I'm just asking Hot Dad out today.
- [ALL GASP.]
- I'm sorry, what? I'm asking Hot Dad out.
- Holy shit! - [SQUEALS.]
Whoa, whoa, careful! That's not Mary Louise.
That's a pod person.
Since he asked me to dance at the hoedown, I realized he likes me, and I like him, so why not just ask him out? [BOTH SQUEALING.]
My little baby girl's grown up.
It is way too high-pitched in here for me.
I'm happy for you, Mary Louise.
Hit that fat D for me.
Ugh.
She's such a dude.
And that's the scientific method.
[CHUCKLES.]
So let's review.
If I say that I think if I wear this tube top to a bar, men will buy me drinks, what is that? - Gary? - It's a hypothesis, because you think it's true, but you haven't proven it yet.
Excellent.
But if I tell you that I've literally gone to hundreds of bars wearing this top, and every time, a man has bought me a drink, what does my hypothesis become? - Jonah? - A theory, because you've proven it over multiple trials.
Very good.
Now, is there a way for my drink-generating tube top to become a scientific law? Nobody? Okay.
Well, it's time for gym.
So we'll get that answer later today.
Oh, and tell Coach Bozy that his short shorts leave nothing to the imagination, and thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ms.
Snap? - Hey, Lily.
[GASPS.]
Your sweater is so cute.
Can I borrow it sometime? How come you never call on me? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you raising your hand.
It's probably because your arms are so thin.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look! Twins! But I always raise my hand during science, and you never pick me or any of the girls.
You treat the boys better than us.
That's ridiculous, Lily.
Just today I helped Melissa K.
set up her makeup vlog.
So your hypothesis is false.
Hey, dude.
[SIGHS.]
Can I borrow your broom? I just smashed a cockroach.
I wanted to leave it there to send a message to the other cockroaches, but Pearson said I have to clean it up.
Oh, my What's wrong? You wouldn't understand.
It's a girl thing.
Well, I do possess a vagina, so A group of my sorority sisters, the ones I actually liked, took a reunion trip to Mexico without me.
How do you know? Uh, Facebook.
Hello? They didn't even have the decency to make the album private.
Why wouldn't they invite me? I don't know.
You should call them up and ask them.
- I can't do that.
- Why not? [SCOFFS.]
Because that would make me look crazy.
How could they do this to me? I told you.
Call them up and ask them.
You're doing the same thing that Jacob used to do.
Stop trying to fix the situation! God, Deb, this is exactly why I don't talk to you about these things! Okay.
So where's the broom? Where it always is in the closet in between the Dustbuster and the Swiffer.
How many times do I have to tell you? Laura, you know there's no gum allowed in school, right? I know.
That's why I put it in my hair.
[SIGHS.]
I'll have to get some peanut butter.
This is gonna take hours.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hey.
I'm a little early.
You ready for me? [ROCK MUSIC.]
Huh! Huh! Oh, I'm ready, Hot Daddy.
Where is everyone? Half the class is out sick with the chicken pox.
But don't worry the kids here have already had it, so you're safe.
I'm not worried.
Blake and I already got it when he was in kindergarten.
It was actually kind of nice.
We took turns taking care of each other.
You want me to pass out those worksheets? No.
I want you to go out tonight with me on a date with you tonight.
[STAMMERS.]
I would really like that.
Great.
It's a date.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Huh! Uh, sorry.
One of my students tried to call me out this morning.
- It was so funny.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Was it 'cause you're 31 and you still use glitter as makeup? No.
Lily P.
basically accused me of being sexist towards women, which is impossible 'cause I am a woman.
What'd she say you did? She said I don't call on any of the girls in science.
That's a thing.
There are studies that show that girls get called on way less in math and science.
But I don't do that.
You sure, dog? A lot of people have a gender bias and don't even know it.
Are you kidding me? I love both genders equally.
If anything, I am biased towards women.
I'm always trying to help them improve themselves by suggesting they wear more makeup or lose weight.
I don't do that for men.
[SCOFFS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
He's picking me up after school.
[ALL SQUEAL AND SCREAM.]
And he's taking me to my favorite restaurant The Great American Pasta Company.
[ALL SCREAMING AND CHEERING.]
I'm going to be sugar and spice, and who knows if I'll be nice? ALL: Ooh! I think I'll wear my hair like this.
Oh, what's on your neck? - What? - Do you have chicken pox? - [SCOFFS.]
No.
Of course not.
- Oh, girl - I don't have it.
- It really looks like it's No, it doesn't look like anything because I don't have the chicken pox 'cause I have my date tonight, so stop saying that I do.
[LAUGHING.]
You're all becoming hysterical.
It's a neck zit! Haven't you ever seen a zit on a neck before? Then why are you scratching it? Because, Cecelia, sometimes zits can be itchy! - Leave me alone! - Oh.
- She's got it, right? - Oh, yeah.
Bitch got the pox.
Tear it down Just keep the oatmeal on your face for at least an hour.
Mary Louise, I hate to say this, but you need to cancel your date.
No.
He'll think I'm blowing him off.
Tonight was supposed to be the first date of the rest of my life.
Girl, I want to be delicate in how I say this.
You look like shit, like, physically very ugly.
Don't worry.
After this, I'm gonna give you a rosewater enema.
That, combined with the oatmeal, should eliminate all of the itching.
Speaking of, what are you going to do with the oatmeal once you take it off her face? What? I thought I'd bake some cookies.
Ugh.
Why won't this thing work? [SIGHS.]
[OVERLAPPING CAFETERIA CHATTER.]
Hey, can you help me with this software? It isn't downloading.
Oh, no.
I'm bad at computers.
I know how to do it.
Wait.
You're good with computers? Yeah.
You love your dermatologist, right? - Mm-hmm.
- What's his name? Uh, her name is Dr.
Malloy.
Right, I know that, because women can be doctors, too.
Brenda! You're back from maternity leave so soon.
Isn't it hard to be away from your baby? Why don't you ask Dan that? He and his wife just had a baby a week ago.
Oh, my God.
It's a scientific law.
I'm sexist.
Who made me this way? Because I did not do this to myself.
Seriously, who gave me sexism? Someone probably ingrained it into you when you were little.
But who? [GASPS.]
Mrs.
Wyatt! This is all my elementary-school teacher Mrs.
Wyatt's fault! I used to love science, and I was really good at it, but the only thing she encouraged me in was penmanship! She said one day I would write beautiful love letters, which is bullshit, 'cause all I do now is sext using peach and eggplant emojis.
If it wasn't for her, I could've been a hot rocket scientist working for the NASA! The NASA! I look so good in a lab coat.
Hey, Caroline.
Are you upset with me? - I'm fine.
- Hmm.
Okay.
I'm clearly not fine.
Why did you just say you were? Because I wanted you to work to get the real answer? Dude, just don't look at the photos.
Oh, my God.
Stop trying to fix the problem.
All I want you to do is listen.
Okay.
I can do that.
Thank you.
It's just I thought these were some of my best friends, and it really hurt, you know? It's, like did they forget about me, or did they decide they don't like me anymore? What are you doing? - I'm listening.
- Not like that! You're supposed to respond.
You're acting like a robot a weird, non-blinking robot.
[CRYING.]
I can't believe you didn't follow me.
Thanks so much for waiting with me, guys.
I feel much better since I stopped peeing out of my bottom after that enema.
You must've had a lot of mucoid plaque - on your intestines.
- Oh, sick.
Great job on the makeup, Caroline.
Whatever.
[BOTH GASPING.]
[DREAMY MUSIC.]
- Hey, ladies.
- ALL: Hi! - Hey.
- Hey.
- You look beautiful.
- I'm fine.
How are you? [STAMMERS.]
You know what? Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
This is so beautiful.
Somebody take my picture.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
You know, we spend a lot of time at school together, but I don't even think I know where you're from.
- Manhattan.
- Really? Kansas.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love doing that.
I went to school at K-State.
We probably passed each other on the street and didn't even know it.
No, I would've remembered you.
[SIGHS.]
Where did you grow up? I moved around a lot as a kid.
Interesting.
Would you excuse me for a moment? [FRANTIC MUSIC.]
Sorry about that.
No problem.
Um, so, yeah, I grew up in a military family.
Oh.
Your dad was in the Army? - My mom.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry again, but will you excuse me for just one more moment? - Are you okay? - Yep.
Never better.
[FRANTIC MUSIC.]
- Ooh! - [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
I had always wanted to be a volunteer firefighter.
I feel like it's important to help people and to contribute to the community.
You know, I think I forgot something in the bathroom.
[FRANTIC MUSIC.]
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
[FRANTIC MUSIC.]
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You're masturbating at The Great American Pasta Company? This is a family restaurant, you pervert.
Oh.
Ah.
So my first call as a volunteer firefighter is actually really funny.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- We went to this home, and we didn't see any signs of a fire.
So we knock on the door, and this little old woman answers.
You know what? I'm just gonna go Oh, wait, before you go, you have to hear this.
Okay.
- There wasn't even a fire.
- Oh? She just wanted to give us cookies.
So then 30 minutes later, we get a call from the same house, same woman - No kidding.
- So we go back, - and again, no fire.
- Oh! She's just sitting there on the porch, - waving with more cookies.
- You know what? - I'm just gonna go.
- I'm almost finished.
I promise the ending makes it all worth it.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
So then an hour later, we get a third call from the exact same house, same woman, and again, an hour later, we a fourth call How long is this [Bleep.]
story? Tear it down [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey.
I heard you were feeling pretty bad about everything that happened last night.
So I brought you something to cheer you up.
Another rosewater enema.
No! [ROCK MUSIC.]
So moving on to science, where everyone is valued and appreciated equally, let's discuss scientific laws.
What are some examples of scientific laws? Lily? The law of gravity.
Yes! That's my girl! I mean, woman.
No person.
Because you are capable, and that has nothing to do with your gender.
Now, who discovered the law of gravity? - Miranda? - Newton? Yes, that's right! Let your voice ring out! And what does that law say? Tiffany? She wasn't even raising her hand! Who cares? Tiffany? I know the answer.
Why aren't you calling on me? I'm sorry, Gary.
Has me not rewarding you and feeding into the patriarchy for two minutes made you uncomfortable? Would you prefer if the women stuck to English and poetry like we're supposed to? Your time is up.
It's Tiffany's time now.
The law of gravity just brought you back down to Earth! [EPIC MUSIC.]
Boom! Hey, Feldman.
Guess what.
I fixed my gender bias.
Today I didn't call on one boy.
A few weeks of that, and they are gonna hate science.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, dog.
You don't even things out by bringing the dudes down.
You do it by bringing the dudettes up.
You still have a gender bias.
You just changed who you're biased against.
Oh, my God.
I'm a reverse sexist.
FYI, I hate these conversations with you.
Uh-uh.
You're staying on the couch until you apologize.
I don't even know why we're arguing.
I mean, you started off mad at your sorority sisters, and now suddenly you're mad at me? But I'm on your side.
[HEARTFELT PIANO MUSIC.]
Thanks.
I just wanted you to listen and empathize with me.
I totally understand what you're saying.
And I'm sorry.
- You are? - Yeah.
I'm sorry that you got upset, and that you feel like I hurt your feelings.
Oh, my God.
That is not an apology! I'd like to apologize for my behavior earlier, but it has recently come to my attention that our education system does not treat boys and girls the same [VOICE BREAKING.]
And it was a lot to deal with.
So today I am changing the world.
[HEROIC MUSIC.]
I'm forming a coed science club.
Now, which one of you boys wants to be president? Damn it, Mrs.
Wyatt! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not putting that thing in my bottom again.
What are you doing here? I, uh, stopped by the school today to talk to you about last night, but everyone said you were home sick.
Yeah.
I got the pox.
[SIGHS.]
Mary Louise, why didn't you tell me? We could've rescheduled.
I know.
I should have.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, and I'm sorry I spent 45 minutes in the bathroom, and I'm sorry I stole a fork from the restaurant so I could secretly scratch myself on the way home.
I didn't tell you I was sick because that's how badly I wanted to go on the date.
I thought if I canceled, it might not happen again, and I didn't want to mess it up, because that's what I always do, but that's exactly what I did.
You didn't mess it up.
[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC.]
I have wanted to ask you out since the moment I met you.
Really? Yeah.
You've already had the chicken pox, right? [FRANTIC MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
I take it you're feeling better? [CHUCKLES.]
Tear it down [REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
[CAN OPENS.]
[FARTS.]
I'm leaving you.
- [FARTS.]
- Ugh! [ROCK MUSIC.]
- Mrs.
Wyatt? - Yes? [Bleep.]
you! Because of you, I can't remember whether the Earth revolves around the Sun or the Sun revolves around the Earth.
My entire life is your fault! You are the reason I am not working for NASA, you rancid bitch! Um I think you're looking for my mother.
She passed away three years ago.
I am so sorry for your loss.
She was a wonderful woman.
No.
It can't be.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
CHILDREN: Ring around the Rosie Pocket full of posies Ashes, ashes, we all fall down Chicken pox! [DISTORTED VOICE ECHOING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Tear it down Tear it down [SIGHS.]
Lost another one.
Half the school is out with chicken pox.
Ugh.
It's such an ugly virus.
Yeah, it makes you feel horrible.
No, I mean, it literally makes you look ugly.
That's a beautiful dress.
What's the occasion? Oh, nothing.
I'm just asking Hot Dad out today.
- [ALL GASP.]
- I'm sorry, what? I'm asking Hot Dad out.
- Holy shit! - [SQUEALS.]
Whoa, whoa, careful! That's not Mary Louise.
That's a pod person.
Since he asked me to dance at the hoedown, I realized he likes me, and I like him, so why not just ask him out? [BOTH SQUEALING.]
My little baby girl's grown up.
It is way too high-pitched in here for me.
I'm happy for you, Mary Louise.
Hit that fat D for me.
Ugh.
She's such a dude.
And that's the scientific method.
[CHUCKLES.]
So let's review.
If I say that I think if I wear this tube top to a bar, men will buy me drinks, what is that? - Gary? - It's a hypothesis, because you think it's true, but you haven't proven it yet.
Excellent.
But if I tell you that I've literally gone to hundreds of bars wearing this top, and every time, a man has bought me a drink, what does my hypothesis become? - Jonah? - A theory, because you've proven it over multiple trials.
Very good.
Now, is there a way for my drink-generating tube top to become a scientific law? Nobody? Okay.
Well, it's time for gym.
So we'll get that answer later today.
Oh, and tell Coach Bozy that his short shorts leave nothing to the imagination, and thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ms.
Snap? - Hey, Lily.
[GASPS.]
Your sweater is so cute.
Can I borrow it sometime? How come you never call on me? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you raising your hand.
It's probably because your arms are so thin.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look! Twins! But I always raise my hand during science, and you never pick me or any of the girls.
You treat the boys better than us.
That's ridiculous, Lily.
Just today I helped Melissa K.
set up her makeup vlog.
So your hypothesis is false.
Hey, dude.
[SIGHS.]
Can I borrow your broom? I just smashed a cockroach.
I wanted to leave it there to send a message to the other cockroaches, but Pearson said I have to clean it up.
Oh, my What's wrong? You wouldn't understand.
It's a girl thing.
Well, I do possess a vagina, so A group of my sorority sisters, the ones I actually liked, took a reunion trip to Mexico without me.
How do you know? Uh, Facebook.
Hello? They didn't even have the decency to make the album private.
Why wouldn't they invite me? I don't know.
You should call them up and ask them.
- I can't do that.
- Why not? [SCOFFS.]
Because that would make me look crazy.
How could they do this to me? I told you.
Call them up and ask them.
You're doing the same thing that Jacob used to do.
Stop trying to fix the situation! God, Deb, this is exactly why I don't talk to you about these things! Okay.
So where's the broom? Where it always is in the closet in between the Dustbuster and the Swiffer.
How many times do I have to tell you? Laura, you know there's no gum allowed in school, right? I know.
That's why I put it in my hair.
[SIGHS.]
I'll have to get some peanut butter.
This is gonna take hours.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hey.
I'm a little early.
You ready for me? [ROCK MUSIC.]
Huh! Huh! Oh, I'm ready, Hot Daddy.
Where is everyone? Half the class is out sick with the chicken pox.
But don't worry the kids here have already had it, so you're safe.
I'm not worried.
Blake and I already got it when he was in kindergarten.
It was actually kind of nice.
We took turns taking care of each other.
You want me to pass out those worksheets? No.
I want you to go out tonight with me on a date with you tonight.
[STAMMERS.]
I would really like that.
Great.
It's a date.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Huh! Uh, sorry.
One of my students tried to call me out this morning.
- It was so funny.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Was it 'cause you're 31 and you still use glitter as makeup? No.
Lily P.
basically accused me of being sexist towards women, which is impossible 'cause I am a woman.
What'd she say you did? She said I don't call on any of the girls in science.
That's a thing.
There are studies that show that girls get called on way less in math and science.
But I don't do that.
You sure, dog? A lot of people have a gender bias and don't even know it.
Are you kidding me? I love both genders equally.
If anything, I am biased towards women.
I'm always trying to help them improve themselves by suggesting they wear more makeup or lose weight.
I don't do that for men.
[SCOFFS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
He's picking me up after school.
[ALL SQUEAL AND SCREAM.]
And he's taking me to my favorite restaurant The Great American Pasta Company.
[ALL SCREAMING AND CHEERING.]
I'm going to be sugar and spice, and who knows if I'll be nice? ALL: Ooh! I think I'll wear my hair like this.
Oh, what's on your neck? - What? - Do you have chicken pox? - [SCOFFS.]
No.
Of course not.
- Oh, girl - I don't have it.
- It really looks like it's No, it doesn't look like anything because I don't have the chicken pox 'cause I have my date tonight, so stop saying that I do.
[LAUGHING.]
You're all becoming hysterical.
It's a neck zit! Haven't you ever seen a zit on a neck before? Then why are you scratching it? Because, Cecelia, sometimes zits can be itchy! - Leave me alone! - Oh.
- She's got it, right? - Oh, yeah.
Bitch got the pox.
Tear it down Just keep the oatmeal on your face for at least an hour.
Mary Louise, I hate to say this, but you need to cancel your date.
No.
He'll think I'm blowing him off.
Tonight was supposed to be the first date of the rest of my life.
Girl, I want to be delicate in how I say this.
You look like shit, like, physically very ugly.
Don't worry.
After this, I'm gonna give you a rosewater enema.
That, combined with the oatmeal, should eliminate all of the itching.
Speaking of, what are you going to do with the oatmeal once you take it off her face? What? I thought I'd bake some cookies.
Ugh.
Why won't this thing work? [SIGHS.]
[OVERLAPPING CAFETERIA CHATTER.]
Hey, can you help me with this software? It isn't downloading.
Oh, no.
I'm bad at computers.
I know how to do it.
Wait.
You're good with computers? Yeah.
You love your dermatologist, right? - Mm-hmm.
- What's his name? Uh, her name is Dr.
Malloy.
Right, I know that, because women can be doctors, too.
Brenda! You're back from maternity leave so soon.
Isn't it hard to be away from your baby? Why don't you ask Dan that? He and his wife just had a baby a week ago.
Oh, my God.
It's a scientific law.
I'm sexist.
Who made me this way? Because I did not do this to myself.
Seriously, who gave me sexism? Someone probably ingrained it into you when you were little.
But who? [GASPS.]
Mrs.
Wyatt! This is all my elementary-school teacher Mrs.
Wyatt's fault! I used to love science, and I was really good at it, but the only thing she encouraged me in was penmanship! She said one day I would write beautiful love letters, which is bullshit, 'cause all I do now is sext using peach and eggplant emojis.
If it wasn't for her, I could've been a hot rocket scientist working for the NASA! The NASA! I look so good in a lab coat.
Hey, Caroline.
Are you upset with me? - I'm fine.
- Hmm.
Okay.
I'm clearly not fine.
Why did you just say you were? Because I wanted you to work to get the real answer? Dude, just don't look at the photos.
Oh, my God.
Stop trying to fix the problem.
All I want you to do is listen.
Okay.
I can do that.
Thank you.
It's just I thought these were some of my best friends, and it really hurt, you know? It's, like did they forget about me, or did they decide they don't like me anymore? What are you doing? - I'm listening.
- Not like that! You're supposed to respond.
You're acting like a robot a weird, non-blinking robot.
[CRYING.]
I can't believe you didn't follow me.
Thanks so much for waiting with me, guys.
I feel much better since I stopped peeing out of my bottom after that enema.
You must've had a lot of mucoid plaque - on your intestines.
- Oh, sick.
Great job on the makeup, Caroline.
Whatever.
[BOTH GASPING.]
[DREAMY MUSIC.]
- Hey, ladies.
- ALL: Hi! - Hey.
- Hey.
- You look beautiful.
- I'm fine.
How are you? [STAMMERS.]
You know what? Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
This is so beautiful.
Somebody take my picture.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
You know, we spend a lot of time at school together, but I don't even think I know where you're from.
- Manhattan.
- Really? Kansas.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love doing that.
I went to school at K-State.
We probably passed each other on the street and didn't even know it.
No, I would've remembered you.
[SIGHS.]
Where did you grow up? I moved around a lot as a kid.
Interesting.
Would you excuse me for a moment? [FRANTIC MUSIC.]
Sorry about that.
No problem.
Um, so, yeah, I grew up in a military family.
Oh.
Your dad was in the Army? - My mom.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry again, but will you excuse me for just one more moment? - Are you okay? - Yep.
Never better.
[FRANTIC MUSIC.]
- Ooh! - [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
I had always wanted to be a volunteer firefighter.
I feel like it's important to help people and to contribute to the community.
You know, I think I forgot something in the bathroom.
[FRANTIC MUSIC.]
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
[FRANTIC MUSIC.]
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You're masturbating at The Great American Pasta Company? This is a family restaurant, you pervert.
Oh.
Ah.
So my first call as a volunteer firefighter is actually really funny.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- We went to this home, and we didn't see any signs of a fire.
So we knock on the door, and this little old woman answers.
You know what? I'm just gonna go Oh, wait, before you go, you have to hear this.
Okay.
- There wasn't even a fire.
- Oh? She just wanted to give us cookies.
So then 30 minutes later, we get a call from the same house, same woman - No kidding.
- So we go back, - and again, no fire.
- Oh! She's just sitting there on the porch, - waving with more cookies.
- You know what? - I'm just gonna go.
- I'm almost finished.
I promise the ending makes it all worth it.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
So then an hour later, we get a third call from the exact same house, same woman, and again, an hour later, we a fourth call How long is this [Bleep.]
story? Tear it down [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey.
I heard you were feeling pretty bad about everything that happened last night.
So I brought you something to cheer you up.
Another rosewater enema.
No! [ROCK MUSIC.]
So moving on to science, where everyone is valued and appreciated equally, let's discuss scientific laws.
What are some examples of scientific laws? Lily? The law of gravity.
Yes! That's my girl! I mean, woman.
No person.
Because you are capable, and that has nothing to do with your gender.
Now, who discovered the law of gravity? - Miranda? - Newton? Yes, that's right! Let your voice ring out! And what does that law say? Tiffany? She wasn't even raising her hand! Who cares? Tiffany? I know the answer.
Why aren't you calling on me? I'm sorry, Gary.
Has me not rewarding you and feeding into the patriarchy for two minutes made you uncomfortable? Would you prefer if the women stuck to English and poetry like we're supposed to? Your time is up.
It's Tiffany's time now.
The law of gravity just brought you back down to Earth! [EPIC MUSIC.]
Boom! Hey, Feldman.
Guess what.
I fixed my gender bias.
Today I didn't call on one boy.
A few weeks of that, and they are gonna hate science.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, dog.
You don't even things out by bringing the dudes down.
You do it by bringing the dudettes up.
You still have a gender bias.
You just changed who you're biased against.
Oh, my God.
I'm a reverse sexist.
FYI, I hate these conversations with you.
Uh-uh.
You're staying on the couch until you apologize.
I don't even know why we're arguing.
I mean, you started off mad at your sorority sisters, and now suddenly you're mad at me? But I'm on your side.
[HEARTFELT PIANO MUSIC.]
Thanks.
I just wanted you to listen and empathize with me.
I totally understand what you're saying.
And I'm sorry.
- You are? - Yeah.
I'm sorry that you got upset, and that you feel like I hurt your feelings.
Oh, my God.
That is not an apology! I'd like to apologize for my behavior earlier, but it has recently come to my attention that our education system does not treat boys and girls the same [VOICE BREAKING.]
And it was a lot to deal with.
So today I am changing the world.
[HEROIC MUSIC.]
I'm forming a coed science club.
Now, which one of you boys wants to be president? Damn it, Mrs.
Wyatt! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not putting that thing in my bottom again.
What are you doing here? I, uh, stopped by the school today to talk to you about last night, but everyone said you were home sick.
Yeah.
I got the pox.
[SIGHS.]
Mary Louise, why didn't you tell me? We could've rescheduled.
I know.
I should have.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, and I'm sorry I spent 45 minutes in the bathroom, and I'm sorry I stole a fork from the restaurant so I could secretly scratch myself on the way home.
I didn't tell you I was sick because that's how badly I wanted to go on the date.
I thought if I canceled, it might not happen again, and I didn't want to mess it up, because that's what I always do, but that's exactly what I did.
You didn't mess it up.
[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC.]
I have wanted to ask you out since the moment I met you.
Really? Yeah.
You've already had the chicken pox, right? [FRANTIC MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
I take it you're feeling better? [CHUCKLES.]
Tear it down [REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
[CAN OPENS.]
[FARTS.]
I'm leaving you.
- [FARTS.]
- Ugh! [ROCK MUSIC.]
- Mrs.
Wyatt? - Yes? [Bleep.]
you! Because of you, I can't remember whether the Earth revolves around the Sun or the Sun revolves around the Earth.
My entire life is your fault! You are the reason I am not working for NASA, you rancid bitch! Um I think you're looking for my mother.
She passed away three years ago.
I am so sorry for your loss.
She was a wonderful woman.