The Cleveland Show s02e15 Episode Script

Family, you are in for a treat.
There aren't many drive-ins left but if you ask this small-town American, it's the only way to see a movie.
Drive-ins sound stupid.
Besides, we're already watching a movie in the car.
[CLEVELAND GROWLS.]
- What the H, Daddy? - Teaching you a lesson.
A relatively unprovoked and violent lesson, but a lesson nonetheless.
- Great, now I gotta watch it on my phone.
CLEVELAND: Uh-uh! Oh, man.
Sure is getting expensive to take your family to the movies.
Hey, Floyd, two adults, three children for Out of Business Closed Forever Thanks for Your Years of Patronage.
That's not a movie title, Cleveland.
That's real life.
Drive-in's closing.
What? But I just had this RALLO: Ha! I'll be dead within the month.
Have a great night.
I can't believe this.
What about my memories? My nostalgia? My Stoolbend? Oh, no.
My eyes are welling up.
Cleveland, watch where you're going.
I can't see through my tears.
We're all gonna die.
[FAMILY SCREAMS.]
[CLEVELAND SOBS.]
Hey, it's still early.
- Anyone want ice cream? - I do.
[CLEVELAND SOBS.]
[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
- Time.
- Two hours, 32 minutes.
All right, I'm ready for the Civil War reenactment.
I've got my musket, my Confederate hat.
I even got an iPhone Civil War reenactment app.
Tells me the best bushes on the battlefield to take a leak in.
- You got an iPhone? - Someone threw it on the road.
I don't even know why we have a historical reenactment.
This town wants to get rid of all our history.
Give us a big old historectomy.
Jeez, oh my.
Cleveland, you want some cheese with that complaining? You know, if you're so upset about the drive-in why don't you just bring it up at the next town hall meeting? Yeah.
Anyone can talk about whatever's bugging them.
I went to one last year and got them to put in a speed bump.
[KENDRA GRUNTS.]
He can't protect me from myself.
[GRUNTS.]
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for Stoolbend's casually profane mayor Larry Box.
Thank you all for coming.
I'm pleased to see such a big fucking turnout.
The first citizen speaking today is Cleveland Brown.
Mr.
Brown, get your fucking ass up here.
Mayor.
The Stoolbend Drive-In.
A Stoolbend landmark and a symbol of a simpler time.
A time when the man who delivered your package was not wearing shorts like a damn child.
But now, they wanna tear it down.
Well, I happen to like our small town just fine the way it is.
[PLAYING.]
[SINGING.]
I'm a small-town guy Livin' a small-town life I work a small-town job And pork my small-town wife The big city and its Internet Don't excite me at all 'Cause when it comes to towns I'm thinking small Like parties and bingo And Friday night football Macy Parade on the Fourth of July If you ever find yourself here in Stoolbend We don't lock our door so just stop on by Oh, yeah, the smallest towns Have the biggest hearts Like the smallest minds Have the biggest smarts The smallest toads Have the biggest warts ALL: Small-ass town Big-ass hearts Harmonica solo.
[WHEEZING.]
Wrong side.
The smallest towns Have the biggest hearts Like the smallest Wals Have the biggest Marts The smallest beans Cause the biggest farts Small-ass town Big-ass hearts CLEVELAND: I live in a town where everyone's voice can be heard.
Russ the green grocer.
Small-ass town Big-ass hearts Betty the bank teller who sings like Fred Schneider from The B-52s.
Small-ass town Big-ass hearts Zeke the town drunk.
Small-ass town Big-ass [BELCHES.]
Pete the janitor.
Small-ass - Not to sing.
Just to clean that up.
- Sorry, sorry.
Now, everybody.
Small-ass town Big-ass hearts Fuck it.
The drive-in stays.
Check it out, boys.
Page three of the Minor Local Happening section.
Ha! "Drive Ib"? Oh, man, Jay is gonna love this one.
Headlines, care of Jay Leno, The Tonight Show.
National Broadcasting Company.
Burbank, California, 91523.
Beg pardon, Mr.
Brown.
- My name's B.
Emerson Plunkett the Fifth.
- Okay.
Perhaps you've heard of my great-great grandfather, B.
Emerson Plunkett the First founder of Stoolbend.
Maybe, perhaps, yeah.
I'm on the board of the Stoolbend Preservation Society and we heard about your wonderful work saving the drive ib.
Oh, did you? We're having a dinner at my home in Stoolbend Estates and I was wondering if you might join us.
The Estates? Is that the place guarded by a fake cop in a phone booth? And a plywood gate arm to keep the poor people out.
Yeah.
Heh.
I think I'll be there.
Wonderful.
See you tonight.
Tonight? No time to get a new outfit.
Quick, Tim, I need your shirt and tie.
[IMITATES TIM.]
Uh, duh.
I'm Tim.
My wife keeps my scrotum in a honey jar.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
That's you.
I can't believe you fell for that new outfit bit.
I got clothes.
Dumb bear.
This food is so fancy.
I never had a blue steak before.
- It was Smurf meat.
- Ooh-la-la! We are here tonight because another one of Stoolbend's most sacred landmarks is in danger of being destroyed.
- Say it ain't the Teddy Bear Hospital.
- No.
Our beautiful Founders Park.
Seems a group of history haters out there wanna turn it into a parking lot desecrating the memory of my dear, great giggum, B.
Emerson the First.
To help us stop them, I've enlisted our newest preservationist Mr.
Cleveland Brown.
Thank you, everyone.
I shall not rest until everything in this town has been preservationed.
Glad to have you on board, Cleveland.
Now, let's retire to the smoking lounge for cigars, brandy and a good old-fashioned elephant walk.
Ha, ha.
Count me in.
Thanks to you, Cleveland, we will preserve my family's proud legacy.
Cleveland, thank you so much for joining our effort.
It's gonna be so much easier saving Founders Park with you as the face of our cause.
Oh, I'm just doing what any red-blooded Stoolbendapudlian would do.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
My great giggum's statue.
Cleveland, you gotta stop that bulldozer.
Bulldozer.
If you'd asked me when I was 3 I'd have told you I'd be riding a bulldozer every day.
Ha! - Life.
- Cleveland, you really should You never see a red bulldozer or a yellow fire truck.
- I beg of you.
- Yeah.
Hey, hold it right there, bulldozerer.
If you wanna get rid of this park, you'll have to take me with it.
[CROWD CHEERS.]
And if you think you're gonna unlock me, think again.
[GAGS.]
Going down sideways.
Water, please.
Ah! It's warm.
So you're gonna stay all chained to that bullshit? Over my dead Oh, wait, sorry.
I wasn't listening.
Yes, I'm gonna stay chained as long as it takes.
Okay, fine.
I don't give a shit.
Why a black guy would wanna preserve a statue of the biggest slave-owning piece of shit is a mystery to my ass.
Wait.
"Slave-owning piece of shit"? Colonel Plunkett was a total dick-bag.
Oh, well.
By decree of the mayor of Stoolbend, the park stays the fuck here.
Hold on.
Emerson, did you know about this? Hush, Cleveland.
And now, let us sing the town song.
[SINGING.]
Oh, Stoolbend, my Stoolbend Whiter than whipped cream Whiter than what now? We proudly vow To never have a good basketball team Those are the words? Your white light shines brightly All blackness eschews Oh, my God.
And don't even get us started On taco munchers and Jews Whoa! Let's hear it for Cleveland Brown, who has served his purpose.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
I've been used.
Like that condom on the ground over there.
Or that one over there.
This park is nasty.
Somebody should bulldoze this place.
Open the door, Plunkett.
Open up.
- Should we have brought something? - No.
You're here to yell at him.
Still.
- Oh, hello, Cleveland.
- You used me.
I'm sorry.
I really can't talk.
I'm preparing for tomorrow's reenactment of the Battle of Stoolbend.
Of course you'd enjoy that.
Reenacting a civil war battle the South won.
The South won? There was a Battle of Stoolbend? Yes, it was one of the Confederacy's proudest moments.
And I have the honor of portraying its hero, my great-great grandfather.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go make love to my mistress who is dressed as my great giggum's mistress.
She's got a lot of garments on.
They're gonna take a while to remove, so I must get to it.
What's going on here? I can't believe my small, Southern town has a dark history of racial injustice.
Man, I hate stupid, dumb, stinky old Stoolbend.
Cleveland, I know that's not true.
You love this town.
You sang that whole cracker-ass song about it.
I did, didn't I? And if you love this town you won't let people like that fool keep its racist past alive.
You need to make an example out of him.
Hit him where it hurts.
Ruin the thing he's most excited about.
You're right, Donna.
His mistress.
- Thanks for the free pass.
- No, Cleveland.
He just told you.
The Battle of Stoolbend reenactment.
You're right again.
I've gotta win that battle for my Stoolbend.
That's what I'm talking about.
- This is my town.
- Uh-huh! And when I'm done with him, I shall have his mistress.
I shall have his mistress' mistress.
I shall have Tim's mistre [CLEARS THROAT.]
There will be no mistresses.
No mistresses.
And so when in the course of human events one wants to take down a wealthy racist who tricked one into helping him one has to go to that reenactment tomorrow and win the battle for the North.
To show him that this is our Stoolbend now.
- Who's with me? Tim? - Yes, sir.
- Holt? - Oh, captain, my captain.
Dead Poets.
- Terry? - Damn skippy.
- And you? - I'm in.
I'm Aaron from work, by the way.
Aaron.
I know who you are, Aaron.
Lester, I know you're planning on fighting for the South.
Would you consider switching sides? Cleveland, I went to Robert E.
Lee Elementary Robert E.
Lee Middle, Robert E.
Lee High, back to Robert E.
Lee Middle for a year then I just stopped going.
Anyway, no.
Then I'll see you on the battlefield.
Now, the rest of you get some sleep, for tomorrow, the North shall rise again.
GROUP: Yeah.
- And we get to shoot fake guns.
- Yeah.
With blanks in them like the ones that killed Brandon Lee.
GROUP: Ohh.
NARRATOR: Braving the low 50s Virginia winter and nursing a slight hangover Cleveland Brown set out to win the Battle of Stoolbend reenactment for the North.
CLEVELAND: Dear Donna, I go to battle today and lest I should not be able to call or text I feel I must needs write to you.
Oh, Donna, my love.
How I miss the warmth of your arms, the taste of your lips the caress of your soft hand on my under-satchel.
Yours eternally, Cleveland.
TIM: Dearest Arianna, I fear I may not make it home in time for So You Think You Can Dance.
Please make sure the TiVo does not delete it.
HOLT: Dear Penthouse Forum never thought these stories were actually true till today.
Dressed up like a Civil War guy nailed a chick with pinkeye in a Taco Bell bathroom.
[SOLDIERS CLAMORING & GUNSHOTS.]
Attack their right flank.
There are a lot more bad guys than I expected.
How are we supposed to fake win this fake battle? Who cares? Let's just tell everyone we won.
No.
We have to fight.
Oh, if there was only some way to know what was about to happen in this reenactment of an actual historic event Hello.
Okay.
Boring.
All right.
Boring.
Useful.
Boring.
Word I don't know.
I'll skip it.
Afraid to say it out loud for fear of being judged.
Oh, all right.
Bayonets.
No? Okay, we got what we need to know.
Let's go.
TIM: Bayonets.
The Confederate battalion is approaching.
No time to dilly-dally.
Over that ridge, you scalawags.
Charge.
Wait.
No, no charge.
We've got the entire play-by-play of the Battle of Stoolbend right here.
If we go over that ridge, it's a massacre.
No doi.
We all know what happens.
This is a reenactment.
Now, just stick to the script.
That's an order, lieutenant.
Ugh.
You shot me.
I'm mortally wounded.
But you can't.
That's not what happened.
Well, in the words of Raj, it's what's happening now.
Now, the rest of you, let's make history our bitch.
Any of you losers wanna win for a change? Will we still be done by 4:30? Probably even sooner because we're just gonna sneak up on everybody and kill them.
- Okay.
- Sure.
I seriously need to be done by 4:30.
Hi, guys.
- Hey, that wasn't the way we - The rules, Jeff.
If you get shot, you have to die.
Yeah, do the rules say anything about wearing Tevas? But we're going to the lake after this.
[BOTH GROAN.]
- Yes.
- Hot damn.
HOLT: Die, Daddy.
Die, Daddy.
Die, Daddy.
Die, Daddy.
[SOBBING.]
Die, Daddy.
Good job, Holt.
Not creeping me out at all.
[WHINNYING.]
Dial it back, buddy.
You already got the part.
I think we got them all, Cleveland.
[GUNSHOT.]
Not quite.
Oh, crap.
Okay, here we go.
I heard five pretend bullets come out of that gun.
You got one bullet left.
I only need one.
Damn, I missed.
Terrible shot.
No reason I should've missed you, but I did.
[LAUGHS.]
You should've known you can't change history.
No! Lester, you took a pretend bullet for me.
But why? Turns out a lot of the Confederates here are a bunch of rich dipsticks.
I realized I got more in common with poor people like you.
Comfortably middle class, but yeah.
Yes, the blood I'm not shedding is in the name of loyalty and friendship which are more important to me than any fake war.
Okay, you can take my head out of your lap now.
Touching.
Now die, Yankee.
- Got you.
- No.
You only got me in the arm.
Maybe so, but considering the medical care of the time you would've had it amputated with non-sterile equipment and later died from a bacterial infection.
You're right.
You win.
Hear ye, hear ye.
I hereby declare victory in the Battle of Stoolbend for the North.
NARRATOR: The forces of tolerance won a noble victory that day on the fields of Stoolbend.
There was much revelry and many flagons of the finest pale ale as the victorious Union Army toasted their triumphant rewriting of history.
Things briefly got weird between Tim and Holt, but they're cool now.
And after all the bars had stopped serving, they realized the war was not yet won.
So with the aid of Donna's car they once and for all dismantled the statue of B.
Emerson Plunkett.
ALL: Yeah! NARRATOR: Then they got fined by the city and had to put it back up where it still stands proudly today.
It is the South, after all.