The Cosby Show s02e15 Episode Script

COCKROACH, DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF THAT GAG? NO, BECAUSE YOU FALL FOR IT EVERY TIME.
YOU READY FOR THE SHAKESPEARE TEST TOMORROW? WE'RE NOT WORRIED.
THAT PLAY'S HARD TO READ.
WE'RE NOT READING IT.
YOU'RE TAKING THE TEST WITHOUT READING "MACBETH"? WE'RE GETTING THE ALBUM.
ALBUM? MADE A RECORD.
NO MUSIC-- JUST WORDS.
WHEN PERKINS ASSIGNED IT TWO WEEKS AGO WE SIGNED UP AT THE LIBRARY FOR THE RECORD.
WE'RE PICKING IT UP AFTER SCHOOL.
TONIGHT WE'LL LISTEN OUR WAY TO AN "A.
" I WISH I'D KNOWN THEY HAD "MACBETH" ON A RECORD.
IT TOOK ME A WEEK TO READ IT.
LATER, FELLAS.
SEE YOU.
A WEEK TO READ THE PLAY.
WE DID THE RIGHT THING.
YEAH.
OOHHH.
WHAT? BURGER ALERT.
OOOHHH.
SHE'S A DOUBLE BURGER.
NO, NO.
DELUXE BURGER WITH THE WORKS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN HER.
SHE MUST BE NEW.
NEW AND IMPROVED.
I'LL INTRODUCE MYSELF.
NO.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO UP TO A DELUXE BURGER.
YOU NEED SOMETHING INTERESTING TO TALK ABOUT.
I'LL TALK ABOUT ME.
I SAW HER FIRST.
THEN YOU GO TALK TO HER ABOUT ME.
HEY, HER LOCKER'S STUCK.
HI.
HI.
HI.
HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR LOCK? I CAN'T GET IT OPEN.
LET ME TRY.
I'M GOOD AT THESE THINGS.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S MY COMBINATION.
ARE YOU NEW HERE? YEAH, WE MOVED HERE FROM CHICAGO.
OH, CHICAGO.
I'VE HEARD IT'S PRETTY NICE THERE.
YEAH, IT IS NICE.
THAT'S WHAT I'VE HEARD.
( BANGING ) THEO, HAVING SOME PROBLEMS? SORRY.
IT WON'T OPEN.
GO TO THE OFFICE AND GET A NEW LOCKER.
GOOD IDEA.
THANKS.
I'LL TAKE YOU.
I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? THERESA.
MINE'S THEO.
I'M COCKROACH.
COCKROACH? MY REAL NAME IS WALTER, BUT I PREFER COCKROACH.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
AND THEO, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP.
ANY TIME.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID TO ME? "THEO, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP.
" SO? SO?! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, BUT WHAT SHE MEANT WAS "THEO, WELCOME TO MY LIFE.
" HI, MOMMY, WE'RE BACK.
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING? WHAT? YOU'RE MAKING PUDDLES.
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR BOOTS BY THE DOOR.
OKAY.
HAVE FUN SLEDDING? YES.
DADDY GOT ON, TOO.
HE DID? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? NO.
YOU'RE MAKING PUDDLES.
OH, I'M SORRY.
COME HERE.
GO DOWNSTAIRS AND TAKE THOSE WET THINGS OFF.
OKAY.
( RASBERRIES ) I "ZRBTT" YOU.
"ZRBTT" MOMMY.
I "ZRBTT" YOU.
THANKS.
GO CHANGE AND COME HAVE SOME HOT COCOA.
WITH LOTS OF MARSHMALLOWS? LOTS.
WITH A CANDY BAR? NO.
OKAY.
WHAT HAPPENED? I'M OLD.
I WATCHED THE CHILDREN AND I STOOD THERE LIKE A FATHER, SMILING.
THE KIDS WERE GOING DOWN THE HILL ON THEIR SLEDS.
ALL OF A SUDDEN I STARTED TO REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID HOW I USED TO RUN WITH THE SLED IN MY HAND AND KEEP IT FROM BANGING THIS ONE KNEE.
YOU HAVE TO RUN THAT WAY.
SO I SAID "HONEY, CAN DAD DO ONE ONE TIME?" SHE SAID, "DAD, YOU DON'T KNOW" I SAID, "WHEN I WAS A KID" THEN ALL THESE KIDS STOOD AROUND ME ACTING LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.
SO THEN, OF COURSE, I REALLY DECIDED TO SHOW THEM.
SO I GOT BACK ABOUT TEN FEET AND I RAN WITH THE THING BESIDE ME.
I STARTED GOING, AND I WAS RUNNING REAL FAST.
AND THEN I PUT IT DOWN AND I HIT THE SLED.
AND, UM WELL, MY STOMACH IS MUCH BIGGER THAN IT USED TO BE.
I KNOCKED THE WIND OUT OF MYSELF AND THE SLED WENT THAT WAY.
ALL I REMEMBER I WOKE UP AND THE LITTLE CHILDREN HAD BUILT SNOW ALL AROUND ME.
CLIFF, I THINK YOU DESERVE EXTRA MARSHMALLOWS.
OH, THANK YOU.
I'D LIKE IT IN MY TEA.
YOU WANT TEA? YES, PLEASE.
WITH A CANDY BAR? NO.
BUT IF YOU GO LIE DOWN I'LL BRING YOU TEA AND GIVE YOU A RUBDOWN.
YEAH? MM-HMM.
JUST TELL ME WHERE IT HURTS.
MISSED US! GOT YOU LAST! HEY, DAD.
HELLO, DR.
HUXTABLE.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DAMAGE A SNOWBALL CAN DO TO A WINDOW? IT'S THEIR FAULT.
YOU DIDN'T THROW AT THEM FIRST? JUST IN SELF-DEFENSE.
OH, NO.
WHAT? I DROPPED THE SHAKESPEARE RECORD.
YOU'VE GOT TO GO GET IT.
HEY, HEY.
GET DOWN.
STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOW.
YOU GO MAN THE DOOR.
GO AHEAD.
ALL RIGHT HIT IT.
AAAGGGHH! ( SNOWBALL BARRAGE ) WE NEED THAT RECORD TO STUDY FOR THE TEST.
DAD, THEY WON'T THROW AT YOU.
PLEASE, DR.
HUXTABLE.
STEP OUT OF THE WAY.
THIS IS DR.
HUXTABLE! I DELIVERED SOME OF YOU! I'M A PARENT AND A TAXPAYER AND I'M PROBABLY THE ONLY ADULT WHO WILL SUE LITTLE CHILDREN! ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, DAD.
HERE YOU GO.
CLIFF, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? A MAN'S GOT TO DO WHAT HE'S GOT TO DO.
WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK? CLIFF? YEAH.
WE BETTER GET READY.
ONE MORE GAME OF TACKLE HOOPS.
WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO "MACBETH.
" YOU GOING TO ASK THERESA OUT? THINKING ABOUT IT.
IF IT DOESN'T WORK, POINT HER TOWARD A REAL MAN.
DO YOU KNOW ANY? MAYBE WE COULD DOUBLE DATE-- YOU, THERESA, ME AND DENISE.
DENISE HUXTABLE? YEAH.
YOUR SISTER IS A MAJOR BURGER.
GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M TALKING DOUBLE, SUPREME-DELUXE BURGER, WITH FRIES ON THE SIDE.
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
COME ON.
WE'VE GOT TO GET STARTED.
WHAT'S YOUR RUSH? LOOSEN UP A LITTLE.
ONE MORE GAME, THEN WE'LL STUDY.
YOU'RE ON.
CLIFF, YOU WERE MAGNIFICENT.
WHEN THOSE TURKEYS SAW I MEANT BUSINESS THEY HEADED FOR THE HILLS.
I DIDN'T EVEN THROW ONE SNOWBALL.
I DID SEE YOU THROW ONE AT THAT CHILD YOU HIT IN THE BACK.
I WANTED TO SEE IF I STILL HAD IT.
( LOUD THUMPING ) WHAT'S GOING ON UPSTAIRS? OH, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? COCKR WALTER CAME HOME WITH THEO.
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO TEAR THE HOUSE DOWN? BECAUSE THEY'RE BOYS, DEAR.
TEENAGE BOYS.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOYS GET TOGETHER AND THE FIRST THING THEY DO IS THEY START TO TALK ABOUT GIRLS.
THEN THAT GETS THEM ALL EXCITED.
THEN THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH EACH OTHER SO THEY START THROWING EACH OTHER UP AGAINST THE WALL.
DAD, YOU MOVED THE BASKET.
REALLY? AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING? WE'RE TAKING A BREAK.
SO YOU HAVE BEEN STUDYING? NO, WE THOUGHT WE'D BREAK FIRST.
LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW THIS HOUSE WAS BUILT.
THERE'S ONLY ABOUT SIX INCHES OF WOOD AND PLASTER BETWEEN YOU AND A TWELVE-FOOT DROP TO THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU ARE LESS LIKELY TO FALL IF YOU ARE STUDYING.
RIGHT, DAD.
GOT YOU, DR.
HUXTABLE.
BY THE WAY THE FRONT OF THE HUXTABLE HOUSE IS NOW FREE OF DESPERADOS.
COME ON, WE BETTER GET STARTED.
YEAH, PUT ON THE FIRST RECORD.
OKAY.
NARRATOR: "THE TRAGEDY OF MACBETH," BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE.
SCOTLAND.
ENTER THREE WITCHES.
( CACKLING ) WITCH 1: WHEN SHALL WE THREE MEET AGAIN? IN THUNDER, LIGHTNING, OR IN RAIN? WITCH 2: WHEN THE HURLY-BURLY'S DONE, WHEN THE BATTLE'S LOST AND WON.
WITCH 3: THAT WILL BE ERE THE SET OF SUN.
WITCH 1: WHERE'S THE PLACE? WITCH 2: UPON THE HEATH.
WITCH 3: THERE TO MEET WITH MACBETH.
WITCH 1: I COME, GRAYMALKIN! WITCH 2: PADDOCK CALLS.
WITCH 3: ANON! ALL: FAIR IS FOUL, AND FOUL IS FAIR.
HOVER THROUGH THE FOG AND FILTHY AIR! NARRATOR: EXEUNT.
WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT'S A "GRAYMALKIN?" I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S A "HURLY-BURLY?!" I DON'T KNOW! WE BETTER SKIP TO THE MIDDLE.
THEY WON'T ASK US ABOUT THE BEGINNING, ANYWAY.
MACBETH: IF IT WERE DONE WHEN 'TIS DONE THEN 'TWERE WELL IT WERE DONE QUICKLY.
IF THE ASSASSINATION COULD TRAMMEL UP THE CONSEQUENCE AND CATCH, WITH HIS SURCEASE, SUCCESS THAT BUT THIS BLOW MIGHT BE THE BE-ALL AND THE END-ALL HERE BUT HERE, UPON THIS BANK AND SHOAL OF TIME WE'D JUMP THE LIFE TO COME.
COCKROACH? YEAH? WE'RE IN DEEP TROUBLE.
THAT'S AMAZING! I COULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.
VANESSA, GET OFF THE PHONE.
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
HOLD ON, JANET.
WHAT'S THE EMERGENCY? WE'RE CALLING THE NEW YORK SHAKESPEARE COMPANY.
WHY? WE HAVE TO SEE "MACBETH" TONIGHT.
JANET, CAN I CALL YOU BACK? YEAH.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WE WERE LISTENING TO THE RECORD OF "MACBETH" BUT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
IF WE COULD SEE WHAT THE ACTORS WERE DOING WE'D UNDERSTAND.
IS THIS FOR A TEST? YEAH, IT'S TOMORROW.
DID YOU READ IT? NO.
WHY NOT? VANESSA, I REALLY DON'T NEED YOUR CRITICISM RIGHT NOW.
FINE.
I'M COMING BACK FOR THE PHONE IN FIVE MINUTES.
HERE IT IS.
GREAT.
WHAT'S THE NUMBER? HURRY UP! OKAY, OKAY.
IT'S RINGING.
HELLO? ARE YOU DOING "MACBETH" TONIGHT? YOU'RE NOT.
"THE TAMING OF THE SHREW"? IS IT ANYTHING LIKE "MACBETH"? OH.
DO YOU KNOW OF ANY PLACE WHERE THEY'RE DOING "MACBETH" TONIGHT? ARE YOU SURE? OKAY, THANKS.
WE'RE SUNK.
HI.
HI, DENISE.
HI, COCKROACH.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DENISE, YOU STUDIED "MACBETH," RIGHT? SURE.
YOU READ IT? YEAH.
TELL US ABOUT IT.
WHAT HAPPENS? DIDN'T YOU READ THE PLAY? WHY IS EVERYBODY CRITICIZING ME?! PLEASE, JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
TAKE IT EASY.
MACBETH IS A SOLDIER.
HE WANTS TO BE KING.
HE AND HIS WIFE DECIDE TO KILL THE KING AND HE DOES.
AND THEN THE KING'S THE KING'S SON COMES BACK WITH HIS FRIENDS AND RIGHT BEFORE MACBETH GETS IT HE TALKS ABOUT HOW LIFE'S MEANINGLESS BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAY.
GOT IT.
I REALLY LIKE YOUR HAIR THAT WAY.
TELL US ALL ABOUT THE SYMBOLISM.
IF YOU KNEW YOU'D BE TESTED WHY DIDN'T YOU READ IT? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? WHAT? CLELAND NOTES.
WHAT'S THAT? THEY'RE STUDY GUIDES FOR SHAKESPEARE PLAYS THAT TELL YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING AND WHAT THE SYMBOLISM IS.
SO WHILE YOU READ THE PLAY, IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
IF YOU HAVE THE CLELAND NOTES WHY READ THE PLAY? YOU SHOULD.
WHERE DO WE GET THEM? AT RENNER'S BOOKSTORE NEAR BROOKLYN COLLEGE.
OOH, COCKROACH.
I'LL BET SOME GREAT BURGERS HANG OUT THERE.
YEAH! COLLEGE BURGERS.
WHAT'S A "BURGER"? A GOOD-LOOKING GIRL.
YOU CALL THEM "BURGERS"?! YEAH.
A BURGER'S A PIECE OF MEAT.
WE DON'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
I DON'T CARE.
THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST SEXIST, DEGRADING REMARKS I HAVE EVER HEARD.
YOU DON'T CALL A WOMAN A "BURGER" OR ANY OTHER OBJECT.
WE'RE PEOPLE.
WHAT IF I WERE TO CALL YOU A "CLYDESDALE"? LOOK AT THAT CLYDESDALE! HE'S A TWELVE-WAGON PULLER! ARE YOU FINISHED WITH THE PHONE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THESE GUYS CALL A GOOD-LOOKING GIRL? YOU MEAN "BURGERS"? YOU KNOW? YEAH.
IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
YOU SHOULD BE INSULTED.
A BURGER IS A PIECE OF MEAT.
I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT THAT WAY.
YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING! WE'RE SORRY.
WE WON'T DO IT AGAIN.
WAIT, DENISE! HOW DO WE GET TO RENNER'S BOOKSTORE? IF YOU WANT TO KNOW FIND ANOTHER BURGER, CLYDESDALE.
THESE CLELAND NOTES ARE GREAT.
"MACBETH" SUMMARIZED IN TWELVE PAGES.
I'M FINISHED READING THE PLAY ALREADY.
ME, TOO.
WE'RE DONE, AND IT'S ONLY 9:00.
WE SHOULD THANK THESE PEOPLE.
YEAH.
WE'LL ACE THIS TEST AND GET B'S FOR THE SEMESTER.
"ALSO AVAILABLE IN CLELAND NOTES: 'JULIUS CAESAR.
'" WE'RE READING THAT NEXT YEAR.
ALL RIGHT, CLELAND! THEY ALSO HAVE "THE HISTORY OF AMERICA" "THE HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION" CHEMISTRY, PHYSICS-- EVERYTHING.
LET'S BUY THE WHOLE SET.
WE CAN GET THROUGH COLLEGE IN ONE YEAR.
I WASN'T EVEN THINKING OF HIGHER EDUCATION TILL I FOUND THIS.
WE COULD MAJOR IN EVERYTHING.
I'M GOING HOME TO WATCH TV.
I'LL GO DOWNSTAIRS AND WATCH IT.
HEY, MOM.
GOOD NIGHT, MRS.
HUXTABLE.
FINISHED STUDYING? YUP.
CAN I WATCH TV? READY FOR YOUR TEST? DEFINITELY.
SEE YOU, THEO.
SEE YOU, COCKROACH.
WALTER, WHAT'S THIS? WHAT? THIS.
CLELAND NOTES.
HELPED US STUDY.
CLAIR: OH.
WELL, I'M OFF TO THE HOSPITAL.
HEY, DAD.
HOW YOU DOING? REMEMBER THIS? CLELAND NOTES.
CLELAND NOTES! SURE I REMEMBER.
KIDS IN OUR SCHOOL WOULD READ THIS WHEN THEY DIDN'T WANT TO READ THE ASSIGNMENT.
BUT THEY WEREN'T AS PREPARED FOR THE TEST AS THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE.
NONE OF OUR CHILDREN WOULD DO THAT.
NEVER! NEVER.
NONE OF THEIR FRIENDS WOULD DO THAT.
CLAIR: OF COURSE NOT.
IF YOU READ ONLY THE CLELAND NOTES YOU'D KNOW CHARACTER NAMES AND MAIN EVENTS BUT YOU'D MISS SOME VERY SUBTLE POINTS LIKE WHAT LADY MACBETH MEANT WHEN SHE SAID: "SCREW YOUR COURAGE TO THE STICKING PLACE AND WE'LL NOT FAIL!" YOU KNOW WHAT TOOK PLACE AFTER SHE SAID THAT.
YES, INDEED! IT DID HAPPEN THEN.
MM-HMM.
WELL, I CERTAINLY AM GLAD THAT I DID NOT GRADUATE FROM THE CLELAND SCHOOL OF MEDICINE.
AND I'M SURE THAT MY PATIENTS AND MY INSURANCE COMPANY ARE HAPPY THAT I DID NOT GRADUATE FROM THE CLELAND SCHOOL OF MEDICINE.
I WILL SEE YOU ALL LATER.
SEE YOU, DAD.
BYE-BYE.
NOT A FIT NIGHT FOR MAN NOR BEAST BUT I'M GOING TO DELIVER THESE BABIES.
ALL RIGHT, YOU ASKED FOR IT! NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT, YOU LITTLE WEASELS! GOOD OLD CLELAND NOTES.
HERE YOU GO.
WELL, AS SOMEONE ONCE SAID: "TOMORROW AND TOMORROW AND TOMORROW CREEPS AT THIS PETTY PACE FROM DAY TO DAY.
" WAS THAT FROM "MACBETH"? IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN.
IT WASN'T IN THE CLELAND NOTES.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE TEST? NO.
ARE YOU WORRIED? NO.
THINK WE SHOULD READ THE PLAY? NO.
AAAGGGHHH! ( SNOWBALLS BARRAGE ) CLIFF, THIS IS WHERE WE SHOULD GO TONIGHT.
"EL RIO DE LA PLATA RESTAURANTE.
" EL RIO DE LA PLATA RESTAURANTE.
YES.
"TASTE OF ARGENTINA "NESTLED IN THE HEART OF GREENWICH VILLAGE.
AUTHENTIC NOUVELLE-STYLE SOUTH AMERICAN CUISINE.
" EL RIO DE LA PLATA RESTAURANTE.
THEY HAVE STROLLING GUITARISTS.
EL RIO DE LA PLATA RESTAURANTE.
STOP IT! HI.
HI.
HOW WAS SCHOOL? GOOD.
AND THE TEST? NOT BAD.
I THINK I DID OKAY.
REALLY? YEAH.
I WAS WORRIED WHEN I HEARD YOU AND DAD LAST NIGHT BUT HALF THE QUESTIONS WERE COVERED BY CLELAND NOTES.
AND THE OTHER HALF? I RECOGNIZED SOME NAMES.
I THINK MY ANSWERS MADE GOOD SENSE.
HOW DID WALTER DO? HE WAS SMILING AFTERWARDS.
SO YOU JUST GOT BY? BETTER THAN THAT.
PROBABLY A "C.
" SO YOU MUST BE HAPPY.
YEAH! I DID PRETTY WELL CONSIDERING I DIDN'T READ THE PLAY.
YOU EVER PLAN TO READ IT? THAT TEST IS HISTORY.
YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN YOUR LAST TEST ON "MACBETH.
" I HAVEN'T? YOU'LL READ "MACBETH" AND YOU WON'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU DO.
AND THEN YOU'LL TAKE ANOTHER TEST GIVEN BY ME.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?! DAD? SHE'S SERIOUS.
I AM VERY SERIOUS.
THE TEST WILL BE ALL ESSAY COVERING ACTS ONE THROUGH FIVE AND FOOTNOTES AND THERE WILL NOT BE ONE QUESTION FROM CLELAND NOTES.
BUT I HAVE A DATE WITH THIS NEW GIRL AT SCHOOL.
YOU BETTER GET STARTED THEN.
OKAY.
AND I KNOW THAT SHAKESPEARE'S LANGUAGE CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND SO IF YOU WANT TO DISCUSS ANYTHING FEEL FREE.
I'LL BE IN MY ROOM FOREVER.
I LIKE YOUR STYLE.
I HAVEN'T READ "MACBETH" IN 20 YEARS.
I ONLY REMEMBER SOME PASSAGES.
YOU BETTER START READING THEN.
COME ON, CLIFF.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
NO.
PLEASE?! YOU ONLY HAVE TO READ THE FIRST TWO ACTS.
I'LL READ THE LAST THREE.
WHENEVER I USED TO READ IT-- "THOU GOEST" I'D SPIT ON MYSELF.
CLIFF, PLEASE? WE COULD SNUGGLE UP UNDER THE COVERS AND READ "MACBETH" AND IT COULD TAKE ALL NIGHT.
REALLY? AND I'LL BE LADY MACBETH.
AND I'LL BE THE BIG BAD WOLF.
THERE IS NO BIG BAD WOLF IN "MACBETH.
" THERE WILL BE WHEN I READ IT.