The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e15 Episode Script

1
You want to see me, Drew?
Yeah, Hank, come on in and have a seat.
So how are things on the security beam?
Oh, I can't complain.
You know, I'm just a foot soldier in the
war on shoplifting.
Yeah, so listen, Hank, remember last week
when I fired you?
I just wanted to call you in to remind you
that you're fired.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, Hank.
Come on, listen, you've got to stop coming
into work.
You're making the new guy nervous.
It's his hat.
You've got to give it back.
Well, you may have fired me, Drew,
but you see, I'm not really fired.
It takes two people to do a firing,
and I didn't agree.
Besides, I've got a wife to support.
I thought you were divorced.
Well, she's divorced.
I'm not.
Hank, please, you know, I don't like to do
this, but it's my job.
Now, I had to fire you.
You were overzealous with all the
customers.
No, I wasn't.
You told a 79-year-old woman to keep the
cane over here and eat tile.
Hey, Drew, that's our policy.
Trust no one.
I mean, the minute you enter the store,
you give up all your rights.
No, see, there's two things wrong with
that.
First of all, that's not our policy,
and second of all, you're fired!
Oh, no.
Hey, Drew, about that $10 out of you.
I'll pay you next week.
You said you're going to have it today.
Well, I don't have it.
I can't pay you money.
I don't have.
All right.
Let's see your wealth.
Excuse me?
Let's see if you have the money.
Open your wallet.
Hey, back off, old-timer, okay?
Open it.
No, open it.
Why am I arguing with you?
Weren't you fired?
Well, if I'm fired, then I'm not really
here.
So it's going to be nobody kicking your
ass all around this office in two minutes.
I'm not doing this because I'm afraid.
Yes, you are.
Okay.
Here, Hank.
Sign right here.
What for?
I'm transferring you over to collections.
You start tomorrow.
You can't do that to me.
I'm one of Sallie Mae Cosmetics' best
reps.
Oh, yeah?
I'd like to see you try and repossess my
makeup case.
You'll have to pry it from my dead cold
hands.
Hey, Mimi, I don't see Drew.
Is he here?
Trust me.
If he was here, you'd see him,
no matter which way you look.
Now, get out of my face before I catch a
bad case of the stupids.
Always a pleasure, ma'am.
Oh, wait a minute.
Uh, come back here.
Handsome and handsomer.
Hey, hold on.
Nobody calls us handsome.
This must be a trick.
Oh, I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
I thought you were two other idiots that I
don't like.
It's not a trick.
Come on.
Well, as you know, I'm a sales rep for
Sallie Mae Cosmetics.
More like a billboard.
Well, here's something you need.
A new line of cologne.
I can give it to you for ten bucks.
Oh, hey.
How come it says sample?
Oh, it doesn't.
It's French.
It's called Saint-Plé.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
Well, buy it now.
Get it cheap while the FDA drags its feet
on approval.
Oh.
Oh, by the way, Sallie Mae is not
responsible for loss of vision.
Kidney failure, birth defects,
you know.
Hey, Kate.
Get ready to smell something wonderful.
I'm not gonna pull anything.
No, it's a French cologne called Saint
-Plé.
Wait till you get a load of this.
Ever smell a cigar that's been sitting in
a urinal?
Oh, I get it.
This is one of the pranks you're gonna
play on Drew for his birthday.
Not bad.
But stand back, because this year I have
outdone myself.
Oh, yeah.
I finally found a way to talk last year's
Hey, Drew.
Look over there.
Oh, boy.
All right.
What do you have that's so great?
How about an entire day of practical
jokes?
First, we're gonna reset his scale to make
him think he's gained 30 pounds.
And then we're gonna let out his pants to
make him think he lost 30 pounds.
There he comes.
Hey, guess what?
I'm getting a promotion.
Hey, congratulations.
Yeah, I'm gonna be the
new regional personnel
director for all three
Winford Lauder stores.
Hey, congratulations.
That's exactly how I want you to react
when I actually get the promotion.
You see, we just had
this meeting, and I offered
to update all the Winford
Lauder training videos.
If I do a good job, I'm a shoo-in.
All I need now is an A-OK on the money.
Well, it's about time someone changed
those training films.
They look like they were made in the 50s.
Yeah, I've seen those films.
They always got those guys with the skinny
ties and the crew guns and the big glasses.
Well, I won't look so stupid when I'm
regional personnel director.
For once, I'm gonna celebrate my birthday
by getting ahead.
You know, since Denny's got rid of that
free meal thing, I got nothing.
Hey, why don't you guys go down and watch
without me?
I'll reach you down there and we'll
celebrate.
All right, I'll get one.
Hello?
Oh, Ray, you have an answer for me on the
money for those training videos?
What do you mean you have to inform me by
registered mail?
You're two cubicles away.
Oh, yeah, well, how about this for company
policy?
I can hit you with a stapler from here.
Oh, I got the money?
Thank you, sir.
By the way, after butt call, do you want
your head back?
Hey, Drew, can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, sure, sit down.
This is kind of hard for me
to talk about, but I think my
boss might be coming on to
me, and I'm not sure what to do.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
I was staring at your breasts.
This is sexual harassment, and I'm Drew
Carey.
It's important to define what is and isn't
appropriate behavior in the workplace.
The difference can be something as subtle
as tone of voice.
For example
Yes, ma'am, you wanted a package
delivered?
Yeah, just one question.
Can I get it overnight?
No problem there.
But change the tone of voice and
Yes, ma'am, you wanted a package
delivered?
Yeah, just one question.
Can I get it overnight?
Um, I don't know.
If I can't get it overnight, can you
guarantee it by morning?
Whoa, she stopped talking about a real
package a long time ago.
Obviously, that crosses a line.
Another tricky area is physical contact.
In the course of a normal day,
we touch many people.
Shaking hands, pat on the back,
brushing Lynn off her shoulder,
all perfectly innocent.
But there's right touching and wrong
touching.
Excuse me, your hair clip's falling out.
Right touching.
Excuse me, your hair clip's falling
Oh, no.
Wrong touching.
Hey, buddy, you're fired.
It's important to remember
that you have the right to put
a stop to this kind of
behavior, even if it's your boss.
Good afternoon, Miss Boback.
I have a bottle of Rothschild 67 back at
my place.
And I was wondering if you'd Hold it,
stop the camera.
Sir, what are you doing?
Connery.
Sean Connery.
That's very good, but I
think it's important just
to keep things, you
know, a little more real.
Oh, say no more, I'll do Michael Caine.
Older Burch, adore me, because I've got
sensitive eyes and wavy hair.
Wow, you know, if you close
your eyes, you think that was
Michael Caine himself throwing
my promotion down the toilet.
All right, I'll do it your way.
Pardon me for having a range.
Try one more time.
About your race, Miss
Boback, why don't I pick up some
wine and we go to a cheap
motel to discuss this further?
Let's go to my place.
I got beers.
Hold it!
Amy, you're supposed to say no.
You try looking in those eyes and say no.
Okay, that's it.
I need some cooperation.
I got another video to shoot.
The store opens in an hour.
Amy, just do the line right this time.
Fine.
I'm sorry, sir, but your behavior is
making me feel uncomfortable.
Yes, I think that'd be a little more
convincing if you took your hand off my bum.
Just, uh, keep rolling.
We'll cut that out.
I will not go to your motel, but I will
file a complaint against you.
And if that doesn't stop you, I can take
you to court.
That's right.
Sexual harassment is
a crime, and it's against
the law, and you
don't have to take it.
You can sue, or if you have to,
let your knee be the judge.
Shh, this is the best part.
This has been a Winfred Louder,
Drew Carey production.
Very powerful, Drew.
I laughed, I cried, I fell to rest.
Ooh, I have to get to work.
I'm showing these to the board at 9 o
'clock, which means that they should be
carrying me on their shoulders
to my new executive offices
by 10.30, which should be
easy, because check this out.
My pants are loose.
I'm losing weight.
Losing weight, you say, huh?
How much have you lost?
Have you weighed yourself?
On your scale?
Well, what am I going to believe?
My pants are some silly scale.
I think I must have been that sit-up.
Guys, what's up the pranks?
It's not his birthday till tomorrow.
Oh, that's just a coming attraction.
Tamari wakes up in the little tiny bed.
Not bad, but my prank is going to blow
yours away.
Check out what I did to Drew's office
safety video.
Hi, I'm Drew Carey, and the next few
minutes could save your life.
You know, a lot of people think that
office safety is just a bunch of hot air.
Well, here at Winford Louder, we take it
seriously.
Let's face it, accidents happen.
Oh, my God, where are the sounds?
I put in sounds.
I went to this guy's recording studio and
put in funny sounds.
What do you mean, like
snoring or train whistles or that
exciting sound a squirrel makes
when you chase him around a pole?
What?
Worse, much worse.
And if I've got this tape, that means Drew
has my tape.
Oh, my God.
Thank you for seeing me and for the
opportunity to show you the next
generation of human resource training
films.
What's wrong with the films we use now?
Well, all due respect, Mrs. Louder,
kind of out of date.
I mean, nowadays, women are allowed to
wear slacks, and men can have beards,
and the quote-unquote Nancy boys are now
some of our best salesmen.
Mrs. Louder, I'm not going to make any
bones about it.
I want Owen's job.
Kerry, I like this side of you.
Let me get it, Mrs. Louder.
Let me.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Hello?
Kerry, it's Kate O'Brien for you.
I can't believe she called me here.
Tell her I'll call her back.
Busy, bye.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
after seeing this, I'm
sure you'll view me
in a whole new light.
Hi, I'm Drew Kerry.
And the next few minutes could save your
life.
You know, a lot of people think that
office safety is just a bunch of hot air.
Well, here at Winford Louder, we take it
seriously.
Let's face it, accidents happen.
You'd be surprised how many happen right
here in the office every day.
From your computer monitor to your pencil
sharpener, danger lurks everywhere.
Uh-oh.
This could have been a real problem.
A little bit of a search projector could
start an electrical fire.
Let me guess, Kerry.
You shot this after lunch.
I'm sorry, I'll turn it off right away.
Oh, Kerry, put a cork in it.
I'm enjoying this.
Scissors.
Letter openers.
Stapers.
Don't run with any of them.
Let's take a walk around the office and see
if we can find any other hidden dangers.
For example, let me
show you the right way
and the wrong way to
pick up a water cooler.
Oh, no, not the water cooler.
Never bend at the waist.
Instead, let your lower body do the work.
Bend at the knees.
Slowly.
That feels good.
I don't think I ripped anything.
If you have any heart
conditions, I should
warn you in the next
scene I climb the ladder.
Don't worry!
But in birthday
Oswald, Lewis, get out.
What do we do?
Maybe the laughing stock of the whole
store.
That's what you did.
No one's ever going to take me seriously
now.
There's no way in hell I'm going to get
the promotion.
What, did you think that was going to be
funny?
Well, it would have been if you played it
at your party like you were supposed to.
You?
You did this to me?
Look, Drew, this will all blow over.
Just put it behind you and don't look
back.
Don't play Kate for ruining your
presentation.
She was just trying to keep up with us.
Oh, great.
What kind of hell are you guys going to
put me through?
I better not wake up with another naked
dummy in my mother.
Don't worry, buddy.
After all you've been through, we've
called off all the rest of the pranks.
Yeah, all right.
You know, I've got
to figure out a way to
get back some respect
so I can get that job.
Or at least get people to quit following
me around with matches.
Why don't you guys just go to lunch
without me?
I've been munching on this all day.
Okay, buddy.
Okay.
If you don't think that's an improvement,
you're wrong.
Blowing out your butt when it's not busy.
Look, did you come in here just to make
the worst day of my life worse?
Or do you have something work-related to
discuss?
Well, face it.
You're not going nowhere.
You're going to be in this cubicle
forever.
You better start sucking up to the kid in
the mail room with the dead eyes,
because he's going to be moving up to the
top of this company before you.
No, he won't, damn it.
Judy?
Yeah, put Mrs. Louder on.
It's Drew Carey.
Drew?
And personnel?
Yeah, that's right.
Gassy Carey.
Oh, Mrs. Louder?
Yeah.
Listen, I know you're in the middle of a
big meeting, but I insist
No, I am asking if I can
come down and address
the board for just
a couple of minutes.
No, I don't have any more funny videos.
Thank you.
Show that kid in the mail room.
Today is not just my birthday.
Today is the day I show Winford Louder
that I am no fool.
Ah, damn it!
I was holding Lewis.
How could you leave that cake in your
truck all morning?
You knew it was made of tofu.
Well, Drew didn't seem to notice, and
what's the problem if it got a little warm?
The problem is, wherever
Drew just went, he's armed
with about a quart of
spoiled bean curd in his belly.
Hi,
good afternoon, and just thanks for seeing
me.
Are you going to burp the alphabet today?
No, no, not.
Actually, yesterday just wasn't one of my
better days.
Somebody played A Child Is Prank on me,
but, you know, you have my word that
something like that is never ever going to
happen again.
So, you know, this is crazy.
Here I am trying to ask you to take me
seriously, and what I should be doing is
showing you my record, which is down in my
office.
I'll be back in just ten minutes.
Mr. Carey, don't move.
If you have something to say, say it now.
Okay, if I'm going to
stay, then I'm going to sit,
because I always wanted
to sit in one of these chairs.
Okay, then.
Let's cut to the chase.
I think I'm qualified for this job,
and I think I deserve it.
Notwithstanding that little prank,
which pretty much blew up in your face,
we think you're the man for the job.
Oh my God, really?
You're kidding.
You are our new regional manager.
All right, well, thank you.
Entitled only, and only for the next 30
days.
We're closing one of
our stores, and the other
one's accidentally
burning down next month.
You're getting a new parking space, a
token raise, and a hearty pat on the back.
I wouldn't do that.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Well, I guess there's nothing else for me
to do but to rush out of here and prove to
you that you chose the right man for the
job, huh?
Here I go.
The boardroom looks great.
Those new ceiling tiles?
Because, boy, let me tell you
How about those cavaliers, huh?
Did someone get the door for me?
Harry, you dropped your wallet.
It's yours.
Thank you.
Minimum wage.
Minimum wage plus five cents, thank you.
You're from UPS?
No, ma'am.
I'm with Global Parcel.
Oh, good.
Let me turn on the part of my brain that
gives a damn.
Just get it to Spain.
Well, actually, Global only serves Ohio
and Indiana, but I can get it to the
Pennsylvania border, and then we can give
it over to World Wide Parcel.
And they can get it to Spain?
No, they can get it to Jersey.
Then we give it to Universal.
They're the big boys.
They can get it to Bermuda.
And then what?
Well, do you know anybody in Bermuda?