The Last Man On Earth (2015) s02e15 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth Hey, guys, this is my little brother, Mike.
I'm surprised that people aren't calling you by your nickname.
(laughs) - Skidmark.
- (laughter) Our grandmother was dying and this guy went on a kayaking trip.
Good burn.
Looks like we're even now.
No, we're pretty far from even, bud.
Oh, my God.
You know anything about, uh, this? Burn.
(chuckles wryly) CAROL: Tandy, are you all right? 'Cause I found all this hair by the bed.
I'm great.
Oh, my.
(chuckles) (gasps) Did you give yourself a little haircut there? No, this is actually, uh, Mike's work, I believe.
Uh, am I right there, Mike? Oh, yeah, no, it sure is.
Well, Mike, I think you missed a spot.
Oh, no, no, no, Carol, I hit all the spots I was hoping to hit.
See, you got business on the right, there, and party on the left.
Bet you think this is a huge burn, huh? I think it's a considerable burn, yes.
Guess what? The burn's on you.
Yeah, 'cause I friggin' love it.
Yeah, I was going to actually do this to myself at some point, so you just saved me a bunch of time.
So thank you.
Oh, well, you're welcome, Phil.
Tandy, were you really gonna do this to yourself? Because it's wildly uneven.
Yeah, it looks like you got nuked right in the face.
ERICA: You look like two different serial killers.
Yeah, you look like you're from the future, and you're here to warn us about technology.
Give him a break, guys.
You know, I-I-I kind of like it.
Thank you Todd.
And thank you, Mike.
I mean, a-a-again, absolutely love it.
Major time saver.
Well, I hope you were planning on matching your carpet to your drapes, 'cause I went ahead and saved you some time there as well.
(laughs) Yeah, you did, and yeah, I was.
Another round of thanks.
Another round of you're welcomes.
(laughter) (stressed sighing) Friggin' Mike.
(groans) You know, now that I'm used to it, it doesn't look half bad.
Boom.
It's so fun to get to say booms now.
Hardy har har, Carol.
If you don't like it, you can just shave it off.
Oh, and give Mike the satisfaction? No way.
I'm gonna give him something else.
A taste of his own medicine.
(scoffs) No.
- You two are even now.
- What? You made him feel awful for missing your grandma's death.
This is just a classic tit-for-tat situation.
Your head's the tat, and your grandma was the tit.
God, Carol, you're just like my parents.
No matter what Mike did, they always took his side.
I'm on our side.
Maybe you'd realize that if you just stopped focusing on your tits.
Carol, you got to start listening to yourself when you talk.
Hey.
Hey, Sweet Cheeks.
(laughter) I-I just stopped by to say hi real quick.
Oh, you're not gonna stay? I got a bunch of stuff to do.
I-I got to, you know, clean out my desk, uh, (sighs) iron my socks.
Todd, are you going to see Melissa? Yeah.
Okay, why didn't you just say that? I should've.
It's just I've-I've never had two girlfriends before.
We're all adults here, and I think that we should just make a promise that we're always gonna be honest with each other.
- That sounds good to me, okay.
- (chuckles) Good.
So when do you think you'll be done with Melissa? - Uh, ballparking it? - Uh-huh.
Um, I get there around 6:00.
We usually start a movie, then, uh, hop underneath the covers.
Uh, things, uh, uh, get a little-little handsy.
M-maybe some kissing, uh, and then she-she on top of me for some light grinding, uh, maybe five minutes.
Then, we, uh, start taking our clothes off you know that's quick two minutes.
Uh, then, we, uh, have sex.
You know, usually missionary in nature - Okay, I think I've got the picture.
- Okay.
- We-we got this, right? - We got this.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.
TANDY: Hey, Mike, hope you're not allergic to poison oak, 'cause you're about to be sleeping in it.
Burn.
(chuckles) Nice try, you friggin' piece of crap.
But you got to get up a little earlier in the morning to put one over on ole Tandycakes.
What the hell is this? Who cares about money now? - What a dummy.
- (loud pop) He friggin' Smurfed me.
(whining): It's not coming off.
It's not coming off.
What do I do? What do I do? Bingo.
CAROL: So there I am, standing between Denzel Washington's legs, and I'm saying, "Push, Denzel, push.
" And Denzel pops out the most beautiful little Siamese twins.
They are perfect.
And then he says, "Sally?" 'cause he's calling me Sally for some reason He says, "Sally, "you keep my attached babies.
I got my movie career.
" And I have had that dream 50 times, and I do not know what it means.
Oh, that, that wasn't a dream, (imitating echo) Sally Sally Sally Oh, that's not funny.
- I thought it - Good morning.
I didn't mean to scare you.
Tandy, are you wearing makeup? (laughing): Oh, yeah, and I'm also wearing a dress and heels, Gail.
"Am I wearing makeup?" (laughing) But seriously, though, everyone sleep well? Huh? Mike? Yeah, slept like a rock.
Really? Hmm.
I actually tried out this new, uh, house down the road here.
Oh, you did, now? You did, now, huh.
So, uh, bring that, uh, sleeping bag with you? No.
No, didn't need it.
No, I slept in a bed like a big boy.
- Huh.
- Truth be told, it was sad being so far away from you.
Yeah, it made me real blue.
- I'm sure it did.
- It did.
So where is this new place? Local.
(laughing) I'm gonna need an exact address, bro.
I mean, how am I gonna get you your Christmas cards? Well, I'll have to show it to you sometime.
I'm dying to have you over.
I'd like that.
Really, it's like there's makeup on top of blue ink.
It's called a suntan, guys, I mean (laughs) You never seen a suntan before? TODD: So, uh, Gail and I had sex twice, right before I came over.
She had me trying out some new maneuves, and we did that thing where, uh, you hold the woman upside down around the waist, uh God, I know there's a name for it uh, it was Todd, I don't I don't want to talk about that.
Well, I-I just want to be completely honest with you, hon, because, uh, Gail said that that's the only way that this is gonna work.
Look, Todd, I already only have you 50% of the time, I don't want to spend that time talking about Gail.
No, yeah, no, absolutely, you know, and you deserve 100% of that 50%.
Y although, remember, I do have to shave off a little slice for Erica's baby.
Y d say 20%.
Uh, are you sure you're not taking on more than you can handle? Uh, you-you can't be all things to all people.
Look, you are my priority.
You're my number one.
M-m-my co-number one.
And-and-and you deserve, you know, uh, exactly, uh, uh, b-between 40 and-and 50% of me.
So romantic.
Gotcha.
TANDY: Ah, it's go time.
This oak is poison.
(loud thudding) Howdy, Phil.
Mike, what a pleasant surprise, geez, to say the least, yeah.
So, uh, uh, this your new place? Yeah, not bad, huh? What's the, uh, deal with all the-the water bottles and such? Oh, yeah, this is just a little home security system I rigged up.
Why would you need something like that? No reason.
See you got your little suit on, huh? Laundry day.
Can I help you? No, I'm just, you know, I'm just out here, uh, doing my neighborhood watch program.
Yeah, I'm actually a block captain.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Uh, just, uh, sweeping the perimeter to make sure everything's secure.
Clear! See, it's funny, 'cause it kinda looks like you were gonna put poison oak in my bed.
(laughing) That's loco, man.
You're friggin' paranoid.
A friggin' block captain, uh, putting poison oak in your bed? Uh, that's the kind of stuff I'm trying to stop, dude.
Yeah.
Wh-What's in the bag, then? You know, uh, just, uh, nothing, you know.
See, I think that it's poison oak.
Well, then you're a friggin' idiot, 'cause this was gonna be a housewarming gift for you.
Hmm.
I guess I'm a little confused.
Why would my older brother get me poison oak as a housewarming gift? It's not poison oak, Mike! Why don't you look me in the eyes and say that.
It's not poison oak Mike.
Then why don't you go ahead and rub it on your balls for me? Fine.
You happy now? Outside the bag.
Under the suit.
Directly on your balls.
I know it's poison oak, Skidmark.
I know it up here, and you know it.
And I'm gonna get you back.
(screaming) (screaming gibberish) How dare you! Oh, relax, it's only the fourth one.
See? I can't believe you just threw sand at me.
I'm gonna have to get you back for that one.
Oh, you (yells) Oh, I forgot, I have something for you.
You have some nerve! - The fourth one.
- Here, eat sand.
No, the fourth one.
Mike! I didn't even hit you with the sand, man! Mike, you can't get me back for something I didn't do! Come on, man! (sobbing) I didn't do anything! Mike! TANDY: Mike, you in here? - Hey, Tandy.
- (shrieks) I'm worried about you, you're not looking good.
He's too flippin' good, man.
Friggin' guy is everywhere.
I need your help, T.
- I need your spirit.
- I can't.
I've crunched the numbers.
It's a mathematical impossibility.
But I need you, bud.
I need you so hard.
And I want to be there for you so hard, but I'm hanging on by a thread, here.
I've got two girlfriends; something's got to give.
(quietly): You make me sick.
No.
I don't need your help.
I can do this on my own.
(snaps) Get out of here.
(clattering) Enough is enough.
(shrieks) (gasps) Listen, I'm here for you, buddy.
What can I do to help? Mike.
Have you met my friend, Todd? Mike.
This is my house.
This is my friend.
This here Malibu is Tandy country.
You been put on blast.
Okay, this was just supposed to be you and me goofing around.
All right, now you're bringing other people into it? I'm so sorry, Todd.
You win.
I'm out.
Congratulations, Tandy, it's over.
You are so naive, Todd.
It's not over.
He just wants me to think it is so I'll let my guard down.
This is only the beginning.
(loud popping) Whoa.
Carol, stop popping my alarm system.
Okay, okay, this has got to stop.
This is like McDreamy versus McSteamy redux.
I'll stop when he stops, and he will never stop, Carol.
Hey, I want you to see something.
(popping continues) (chuckles) (sighs) Look at these two little boys.
They love each other so much.
I mean, yeah, we had some good times.
Hey, trust me, you show him this stuff, it will turn on his heart light.
Family's everyone's weak spot.
Hmm.
You're right, it is.
(sighs) What's wrong? I was reading this letter that Mom and Dad wrote you while you were in space.
It's really moving.
What? Let me see it.
I'd love to show it to you, bud, but I'm gonna burn it.
No, hey! Don't you dare! The pranks stop now.
I-I already told you I was stopping.
Half of me really wants to give it to you, but the other half needs it for insurance.
All right, I'm gonna go put this in my hiding place, and don't bother looking for it, 'cause you'll never find it.
(bubble wrap popping) Bingo.
(grunts) Now, let's take a wild guess here.
Typical Skidmark.
PATTI MILLER: Our dearest Michael, I miss you so much.
I wish I could say everything has been great down here since you left.
Unfortunately, that's not the case.
We buried your father yesterday, and I know it's only a matter of time for me.
Just know how proud your father and I were to call you our son.
I know we'll be together in the next life.
With all of the love in my heart TANDY: Skidmark.
That's right, I wrote this entire letter this morning.
Burn! Facial! Suck it! Oh, and P.
S.
, this letter is covered in poison oak.
You get Mom's letter? (bubble wrap popping) CAROL: Like, I'm just not gonna sleep anymore.
- That's not a solution.
- It'll be fine.
(clears throat) Good evening.
What in the name of G-O-D.
Looks like Hitler's mustache is sliding off your face.
Yeah, you look like a melon with a mold problem.
It looks like the floor of a barbershop took a dump on half your face.
Well, take a good long look at it, 'cause this is who I am.
My best friend's having a meltdown? No problem.
I shave half my hair, mustache, and mons pubis for him.
Erica, you need me to be your baby daddy? Done.
Carol, you keep having crazy baby dreams, obviously still upset about Tandy's sterility.
Well, I'm here for you.
Just tell me what you need.
'Cause I can give 100% to every person on the face of the earth, and still have 100% to give to you, Gail, and you, Melissa.
Now-now I know that adds up to be about 600%, but what can I say? I've never been good at math.
Just about the only thing I am good at is Todd.
Anybody has any issues with that, there's the friggin' door.
I mean, I'll get it for you.
Well, thank you for listening.
That was hot.
(thud) God, they loved you.
Yeah.
And all that stuff that I wrote in that letter I got it from letters they actually wrote to you.
Hmm.
Good to know.
You don't believe me? Here.
(sighs) I mean, you were all that Mom and Dad talked about.
Even before you went into space.
I mean, they were so proud of you.
And, you know, I was always jealous of that.
You know they were proud of you, too.
Yeah, but it was different.
I was a temp.
So what? They didn't care about that.
I cared about it.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
I miss them.
I do, too.
I swear to God I didn't know we were gonna make up just now.
Great speech.
Thank you, Carol.
Yeah, you know, it got me thinking, maybe there is something you can do for me.
Anything, Carol.
I want you to put Tandy's baby inside of me.
You got it.