The Muppet Show (1976) s02e15 Episode Script
Lou Rawls
Lou Rawls, Oh, Lou Rawls? 24 seconds to curtain, Mr Rawls, Thank you, Scooter, - Mr Rawls, I wanted to tell you that I greatly respect your talent and I've followed your career from its very beginning, Thank you, Sam, It's just too bad it has to end here, It's The Muppet Show with our very speciaI guest star, Mr Lou Rawls! It's time to play the music It's time to light the light It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to get things started We're old men, - Give us a break! It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show! Green smoke, Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Tonight's show is going to be very speciaI because our guest star is the great Mr Lou Rawls! But first, to get things started, here's our own Fozzie Bear, who will perform for you tonight on roller skates! Kermit, I think the act needs just a bit more rehearsaI! Well, so much for the opening number, Now we suddenly arrive at guest star time Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Lou Rawls! That Lou Rawls is one fantastic singer, Yeah, so am I, You wanna hear me sing? Only if you sing solo, Solo? - So low I can't hear, OK, nice and groovy, guys, Very groovy, Hey, chief, I thought Fozzie was going to do the opening spot on the show, That was plan, but he wasn't quite ready so we switched numbers, What now, a news flash or Fozzie's roller skating act? Wow! I'll tell the news man he's on, Here is a Muppet News Flash, Dateline, New York, MedicaI science has been baffled by a sudden epidemic of the rare disease Mallarditis, The illness strikes very quickly and causes its victim to turn into a duck, Mallarditis? That's the silliest thing I ever And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
On to the next patient, What's this? He was here a minute ago, Oh, wow, This is happening a lot lately, What is? - Dr Bob is losing his patients, That's untrue, I never lose my patience! What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerin to? Him, I lost, But I found him again, - Where? In Iowa, Minnesota, North and South Dakota, That was him all over, So, once again, Dr Bob has come to nothing.
Tune in next time when you will hear him say Hey! Who are you? - Who? You! - You know, the voice we keep hearing, I'm the announcer.
I'm the guy who says, "And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
" On to the next patient, What's this? He was here a minute ago, This is happening a lot lately, - What is? Dr Bob is losing his patients, - Untrue, I never lose my patience! What about the one you fed nitroglycerin to? Him, I lost, But I found him again, - Where? Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina, That's him all over! And so, Dr Bob has done all the same jokes twice.
Tune in next time when you will hear Nurse Janice say Shall we go for thirds? No, that would try my patience, You don't have any patients, I would if it weren't for that dumb nitroglycerin, Hey Floyd, AnimaI, What's happening? Hey, Lou Rawls, Whoa, AnimaI! Hey, good to see you, You know, I'm just out walking the drummer, Walking the drummer? Is he friend or foe, man? Lou Rawls, Lou Rawls! HeeI, AnimaI! HeeI! - HeeI, heeI, heeI, Yeah, well, he's a big fan, Lou, Oh, yeah? - Yeah, He bought all your albums, You like them, AnimaI? Delicious! Let me tell you something, AnimaI, You know, you play the drums so good, man, You take the sticks and lay down great percussion, You know what I'm talking about? - Percussion! Lou, you sort of have to consider AnimaI as your basic primitive man, Have to know how to talk to him, - Oh, yeah? How do you tell a man his work with the sticks really is down? I mean he can put some souI in the bowI, You know what I mean? Yeah, OK, That's easy, AnimaI - Yeah? Good drummer! - Good drummer, good drummer Yeah, that's a good drummer, Yeah, Well, listen, let me tell you this, Look, I've got this long road gig coming up, and I'm short a drummer, Think he'd be interested? Oh, no, You couldn't take AnimaI on any long road trips, Lou, Why not, man? The cat's good, - You couldn't get a long enough chain, Chain! Chain! Chain! Come on, Floyd, just let me discuss it with him man to man, you know? Man to man? This dude don't know AnimaI, OK, Lou, There's his chain, but could I just ask one favour? - Yeah, baby, Don't let him chase any cars, OK? - Cars! I think I blew that gig, Cars! I see, I'll tell him, Hey, Kermit? The Swedish Chef says he's not ready to go on, You said he'd be on the second half of the show, Wow! Well, listen, we've had to move things around a little, Kermit! In fact, some things are moving around quite a lot, I think I've almost got it licked, Kermit! Emphasis on the "almost", OK, let's go, Chef, - Come on, OK, OK, frog's legs, Uncle Kermit, somebody, anybody help! Hold it! Stop! Cut, cut, cut! Don't say "cut", say "stop"! So you say your boyfriend's name is "Sy"? Sy who? Clops! So, what did you think of the movie Jaws? Excuse me, Are you the monster who swallowed my harmonica? So, how are the kids, Flo? Oh, not too good, One of the chicks just came down with the "people pox", My horoscope said I should be carefuI today or some great physicaI harm could befall me, Oh, that's a lot of silly superstition, Oh, my son, When you grow up, you know, you might be a halfback, or you might even be a fullback, Or, if you really persevere, you might grow up and be a football, You know, Lou, it's great having you on the show, Thank you, Kermit, It's really a gas to be here, Well, you know, I got all of your records back at my pad, Pad, frog lily pad, That's a little joke there, Only possibly, Kermit, Only possibly, Hey, listen, Lou, could you tell us, what is the secret of singing jazz like you do? Well, Kermit, all you have to do really is just kinda lay back, you know, and lay down some golden tones, with souI and style, Sure, you just gotta lay back and lay down some golden tones with souI and style, No, it doesn't even sound the same when I say it, But listen, would you do a little bit of that for us right now? No, No, I won't, - No? You see, Kermit, you really can't sing jazz without soft light, you know, a little atmosphere, And you gotta have a band, Well, listen, you got it, Kermit, this is an inspiration and an open invitation, you know, for soulfuI syncopation, you dig? - Does that mean something good? Yes, It means let's sing, - WonderfuI, I'll just be over here, Hold it, Floyd, Wait a minute I just love scat, - What? Scat! Scat! - What? Is there a pussycat in here? OK, great number, I loved it, I loved it, Let's see, Now where's Fozzie? If he's gonna roller skate, it'll have to be soon, Very good, Fozzie, You ready to go on? I'm ready, Kermit, I'm just sorry I took so long, But I want you to know, it's tough, Roller skating is very, very difficult, Easy for you to say! Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, Well, our latest development is the nuclear-powered shaver, The honour of shaving for the first time with the nuclear-powered shaver goes to my faithfuI lab assistant, Beaker, Come on in here, Beaker, It's all right, come on, There you go, Now, in order to protect Beaker's fluffy orange hair from nuclear fallout, he will wear this protective helmet, which is made of solid lead, Bend over, Beaker, here, Come on, Hurry up, bend over, There, All right, Up you go, Beaker, Now Beaker is ready for the demonstration, Notice how effective the lead helmet is! Now Beaker doesn't need a shave, As you may have noticed, Fozzie has taken up roller skating, So here he is with funny jokes and figure eights, Mr Fozzie Bear! Hiya, hiya, hiya! How about that? Haven't told one joke and I'm rolling already, Not bad on a ten-cent pair of skates, huh? Speaking of cheapskates Nice blend, Fozzie, Thank you, Fozzie! Hey, hey, hey the next joke I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna do it while skating a figure eight, Here it goes Speaking of cheapskates, I know a guy so cheap, when he goes fishing, he puts a picture of a worm on his hook and he catches a picture of a fish, Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his materiaI, A moving target is harder to hit! Oh, yeah? Well, watch this, I'm gonna tell this next joke while skating backwards, and with my foot in the air, wiggling my ears, Here it goes OK, a guy walks in to a diner, There's a horse behind the counter, The guy just looks at the horse, The horse says, "What's the matter, surprised to see me here?" And the guy says, "Yeah, did the cow sell the place?" He was doing OK untiI he fell off the stage, Wrong, He was doing OK untiI he came on the stage, "Did the cow sell the place?" And now, once again, this time backed by the big band of Dr Teeth, here he is, Mr Lou Rawls! OK, well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go I'm going now As I was saying, before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our speciaI guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Lou Rawls! Thank you, Kermit, - Wait a minute Let's not stop! - Now that we've got things going, Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
I loved tonight's show! - Really? Of course not, Just wanted to see if I could say it,
Tonight's show is going to be very speciaI because our guest star is the great Mr Lou Rawls! But first, to get things started, here's our own Fozzie Bear, who will perform for you tonight on roller skates! Kermit, I think the act needs just a bit more rehearsaI! Well, so much for the opening number, Now we suddenly arrive at guest star time Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Lou Rawls! That Lou Rawls is one fantastic singer, Yeah, so am I, You wanna hear me sing? Only if you sing solo, Solo? - So low I can't hear, OK, nice and groovy, guys, Very groovy, Hey, chief, I thought Fozzie was going to do the opening spot on the show, That was plan, but he wasn't quite ready so we switched numbers, What now, a news flash or Fozzie's roller skating act? Wow! I'll tell the news man he's on, Here is a Muppet News Flash, Dateline, New York, MedicaI science has been baffled by a sudden epidemic of the rare disease Mallarditis, The illness strikes very quickly and causes its victim to turn into a duck, Mallarditis? That's the silliest thing I ever And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
On to the next patient, What's this? He was here a minute ago, Oh, wow, This is happening a lot lately, What is? - Dr Bob is losing his patients, That's untrue, I never lose my patience! What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerin to? Him, I lost, But I found him again, - Where? In Iowa, Minnesota, North and South Dakota, That was him all over, So, once again, Dr Bob has come to nothing.
Tune in next time when you will hear him say Hey! Who are you? - Who? You! - You know, the voice we keep hearing, I'm the announcer.
I'm the guy who says, "And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
" On to the next patient, What's this? He was here a minute ago, This is happening a lot lately, - What is? Dr Bob is losing his patients, - Untrue, I never lose my patience! What about the one you fed nitroglycerin to? Him, I lost, But I found him again, - Where? Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina, That's him all over! And so, Dr Bob has done all the same jokes twice.
Tune in next time when you will hear Nurse Janice say Shall we go for thirds? No, that would try my patience, You don't have any patients, I would if it weren't for that dumb nitroglycerin, Hey Floyd, AnimaI, What's happening? Hey, Lou Rawls, Whoa, AnimaI! Hey, good to see you, You know, I'm just out walking the drummer, Walking the drummer? Is he friend or foe, man? Lou Rawls, Lou Rawls! HeeI, AnimaI! HeeI! - HeeI, heeI, heeI, Yeah, well, he's a big fan, Lou, Oh, yeah? - Yeah, He bought all your albums, You like them, AnimaI? Delicious! Let me tell you something, AnimaI, You know, you play the drums so good, man, You take the sticks and lay down great percussion, You know what I'm talking about? - Percussion! Lou, you sort of have to consider AnimaI as your basic primitive man, Have to know how to talk to him, - Oh, yeah? How do you tell a man his work with the sticks really is down? I mean he can put some souI in the bowI, You know what I mean? Yeah, OK, That's easy, AnimaI - Yeah? Good drummer! - Good drummer, good drummer Yeah, that's a good drummer, Yeah, Well, listen, let me tell you this, Look, I've got this long road gig coming up, and I'm short a drummer, Think he'd be interested? Oh, no, You couldn't take AnimaI on any long road trips, Lou, Why not, man? The cat's good, - You couldn't get a long enough chain, Chain! Chain! Chain! Come on, Floyd, just let me discuss it with him man to man, you know? Man to man? This dude don't know AnimaI, OK, Lou, There's his chain, but could I just ask one favour? - Yeah, baby, Don't let him chase any cars, OK? - Cars! I think I blew that gig, Cars! I see, I'll tell him, Hey, Kermit? The Swedish Chef says he's not ready to go on, You said he'd be on the second half of the show, Wow! Well, listen, we've had to move things around a little, Kermit! In fact, some things are moving around quite a lot, I think I've almost got it licked, Kermit! Emphasis on the "almost", OK, let's go, Chef, - Come on, OK, OK, frog's legs, Uncle Kermit, somebody, anybody help! Hold it! Stop! Cut, cut, cut! Don't say "cut", say "stop"! So you say your boyfriend's name is "Sy"? Sy who? Clops! So, what did you think of the movie Jaws? Excuse me, Are you the monster who swallowed my harmonica? So, how are the kids, Flo? Oh, not too good, One of the chicks just came down with the "people pox", My horoscope said I should be carefuI today or some great physicaI harm could befall me, Oh, that's a lot of silly superstition, Oh, my son, When you grow up, you know, you might be a halfback, or you might even be a fullback, Or, if you really persevere, you might grow up and be a football, You know, Lou, it's great having you on the show, Thank you, Kermit, It's really a gas to be here, Well, you know, I got all of your records back at my pad, Pad, frog lily pad, That's a little joke there, Only possibly, Kermit, Only possibly, Hey, listen, Lou, could you tell us, what is the secret of singing jazz like you do? Well, Kermit, all you have to do really is just kinda lay back, you know, and lay down some golden tones, with souI and style, Sure, you just gotta lay back and lay down some golden tones with souI and style, No, it doesn't even sound the same when I say it, But listen, would you do a little bit of that for us right now? No, No, I won't, - No? You see, Kermit, you really can't sing jazz without soft light, you know, a little atmosphere, And you gotta have a band, Well, listen, you got it, Kermit, this is an inspiration and an open invitation, you know, for soulfuI syncopation, you dig? - Does that mean something good? Yes, It means let's sing, - WonderfuI, I'll just be over here, Hold it, Floyd, Wait a minute I just love scat, - What? Scat! Scat! - What? Is there a pussycat in here? OK, great number, I loved it, I loved it, Let's see, Now where's Fozzie? If he's gonna roller skate, it'll have to be soon, Very good, Fozzie, You ready to go on? I'm ready, Kermit, I'm just sorry I took so long, But I want you to know, it's tough, Roller skating is very, very difficult, Easy for you to say! Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, Well, our latest development is the nuclear-powered shaver, The honour of shaving for the first time with the nuclear-powered shaver goes to my faithfuI lab assistant, Beaker, Come on in here, Beaker, It's all right, come on, There you go, Now, in order to protect Beaker's fluffy orange hair from nuclear fallout, he will wear this protective helmet, which is made of solid lead, Bend over, Beaker, here, Come on, Hurry up, bend over, There, All right, Up you go, Beaker, Now Beaker is ready for the demonstration, Notice how effective the lead helmet is! Now Beaker doesn't need a shave, As you may have noticed, Fozzie has taken up roller skating, So here he is with funny jokes and figure eights, Mr Fozzie Bear! Hiya, hiya, hiya! How about that? Haven't told one joke and I'm rolling already, Not bad on a ten-cent pair of skates, huh? Speaking of cheapskates Nice blend, Fozzie, Thank you, Fozzie! Hey, hey, hey the next joke I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna do it while skating a figure eight, Here it goes Speaking of cheapskates, I know a guy so cheap, when he goes fishing, he puts a picture of a worm on his hook and he catches a picture of a fish, Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his materiaI, A moving target is harder to hit! Oh, yeah? Well, watch this, I'm gonna tell this next joke while skating backwards, and with my foot in the air, wiggling my ears, Here it goes OK, a guy walks in to a diner, There's a horse behind the counter, The guy just looks at the horse, The horse says, "What's the matter, surprised to see me here?" And the guy says, "Yeah, did the cow sell the place?" He was doing OK untiI he fell off the stage, Wrong, He was doing OK untiI he came on the stage, "Did the cow sell the place?" And now, once again, this time backed by the big band of Dr Teeth, here he is, Mr Lou Rawls! OK, well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go I'm going now As I was saying, before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our speciaI guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Lou Rawls! Thank you, Kermit, - Wait a minute Let's not stop! - Now that we've got things going, Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
I loved tonight's show! - Really? Of course not, Just wanted to see if I could say it,