The Neighborhood (2018) s02e15 Episode Script

1 Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dave.
- Hey, Gemma.
We just came from the farmers market.
Buckle up, persimmon season came early.
Or as I like to call them, apples with attitude.
- You want to try one? - No, thanks.
I had enough attitude from my employees today.
I'll be damned if I get it from a fruit.
Did something happen at the shop? Yeah, another one of our mechanics quit to go work at Motor Boys, so this month alone we're down a Rudy and two Julios.
I mean, Julio I get, that guy was never loyal, but Julio? I thought we were friends.
That's awful.
Yeah.
Why do you think they left? They don't like the way Calvin treats them.
What are you talking about? They love me.
I'm the world's best boss.
It says so on my coffee mug.
You're using the mug I gave you.
And you thought it was a dumb gift.
Yes, because you don't work for him.
All I'm saying, Calvin, is you need to treat the guys with more respect.
I respect them.
It's not my fault they're too stupid to understand.
Okay.
If we lose one more mechanic, we're basically a car wash.
You know, I can help you guys.
This is exactly what I do for my job.
You work at a car wash? No, I'm a conflict mediator.
I can go into your shop, talk to your employees, and come up with ways that you can improve your relationship with them.
GEMMA: He's really good.
At the last school I worked at, he settled a dispute between the football team and the marching band.
[CHUCKLES.]
The football team was beating up the band geeks? No, the other way around.
Our flute section was gangsta.
You know, baby, I think we should let Dave help us.
Fine, but if you screw this up, I'm going flute section on your ass.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Oh, perfect.
On time for dinner, but too late to help set the table.
God is good.
Yeah, God had nothing to do with it.
I saw you peeking through the window.
Yeah, and I saw you stick your finger in the mashed potatoes.
You want to dance? Shh.
- Hey, what's up, boys? - Hey, what's up, Pop? Yo, I heard Julio quit.
Uh, yeah, the hell with that guy.
No, I meant Julio.
Yeah, I'm really gonna miss him.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, hey, Dave.
What's with the clipboard? Well, before I sit down with your employees, I came by to see what you had to say.
Oh, here's what I have to say: bye, Dave.
Come on, Pop, you told Mom you were gonna take this seriously.
Yeah, besides that, you know he's not going away.
DAVE: He's right.
I'm not.
Fine.
Come on, man, let's get this over with.
Okay, first question: what three words best describe your leadership style? World's best boss.
The mug says it, and I agree.
Okay, uh, if that's how you feel, what do you think the root of the problem is at the shop? [CHUCKLES.]
That's easy, everyone else.
Okay, I think I'm getting a clearer picture of what the problem is.
Yeah, and the picture looks like this.
Ha! [LAUGHS.]
Why the hell do your fingers smell like mashed potatoes? Ooh! You know what? [STAMMERS.]
Pop, y-you just afraid that people gonna say bad stuff about you.
Yeah, you know, the truth.
No.
No, the problem is that no one understands I'm not their friend, I'm their boss.
If they want a friend, they need to go on the Facebook.
You know, Calvin, you don't need to be their friends.
Just 'cause you're their boss doesn't mean you can't have a healthy relationship with them.
I have a healthy relationship with them.
I'm like a loving father that they're afraid of.
Move, potato fingers, go.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Ooh.
Isn't that the cute girl that moved in upstairs from you? Yeah, Keira.
All right.
Did you ask her out yet? Yes, every morning in my mirror.
Well, have you done it in front of somebody that's not wearing Star Warspajamas? - I can't, man.
- Why not, Marty? She makes me nervous.
I get all mixed up and tongue-tied around her.
Well, you better get untied because [CLEARS THROAT.]
- here she comes.
- Oh, no! How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? - Hi, Marty.
- [LAUGHS.]
: Hi.
Hey, Keira.
Uh, you brother my Malcolm, remember? Yeah, hi.
So I see you got your mail.
You've got mail! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, too bad it's all bills.
I've got student loans! [LAUGHING.]
It's funny 'cause she's in debt.
You've got no money! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, well, I'll see you guys later.
You're gonna die alone.
All right, guys, I'm here to talk to you about ways Calvin and Tina can make this a respectful atmosphere, productive workplace, and most importantly, - a safe space.
- [LOUD WHIRRING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, a question.
Yes? Yeah, are we getting paid for this? [CHUCKLES.]
Yes, you are.
Great.
Can you start from the top again? Okay, basically, I'm gonna ask you some questions about your issues and concerns.
But won't we get in trouble for what we say? No, because everything you say will be strictly confidential, so none of you have to worry about any of this getting back to Tina or Calvin.
Hey, hey, everybody! Cal-Calvin, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm just bringing some doughnuts for my boys.
There is no "I" in "team," but there is one in "I love you guys.
" Uh, Calvin, I'm-I'm trying to talk to your employees.
Dave, I don't have employees.
These guys are basically like family.
How's your wife, Norm? I'm not married.
Well, too bad because you're a real catch.
Calvin, i-if this is gonna work, you can't be here.
Okay, all right, I'm gonna go, all right? Hey, uh, quick update, guys, I just voted for Employee of the Month, and congratulations, you all won! [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Oh, you're not Keira.
What was your first clue? That I'm not a woman or that I'm talking to you? [LAUGHS.]
Well, for your information, that's about to change.
Oh, you finally asked her out? Better.
I've devised an elaborate plan to lure her to my apartment, where I'll be on my own turf, and therefore, more comfortable to ask her out.
I call it "Operation Date Keira.
" Yeah, that sounds more to me like "Operation Restraining Order.
" No, trust me, man, it's foolproof.
This morning I put a piece of my mail in her mailbox, which she will feel compelled to return to me, and if she doesn't, she's committed a felony, and I'm not interested.
Marty, that is the dumbest idea I've ever heard, and that includes Pop's plan to buy a mannequin so he can ride in the carpool lane.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Dumb you say? [LAUGHS.]
That was the sound of the elevator, and I hear the sound of beautiful little footsteps.
And here we go.
Yeah, would you look at that, you got jury duty.
[LAUGHS.]
Ugh, what is taking so long? I can't even believe I'm about to say this, but when is Dave gonna get here? Baby, relax.
Why are you so stressed out about Dave's report? Because it's gonna be full of lies about me.
And if it says that I called Norm a certain name, I didn't do it.
And everybody laughed.
Baby, you created this situation, and now you have to deal with the consequences.
Like the time that cop pulled you over for driving with that mannequin.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Well, they wouldn't have pulled me over if the mannequin was white.
Oh, stop.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, come on in.
- Hey, Dave.
So, uh, how'd it go down at the shop? Really well, and you were right about Norm.
[CHUCKLES.]
How is that guy single? Okay, so how do we do this? Well, I usually start by explaining my methodology and how I arrived at my findings.
Yeah, sounds good.
We're not gonna do any of that.
Come on.
All right, uh, well, here's what I found: after numerous interviews, it's clear that your employees have serious issues with Norm's a liar! Okay, babe, relax.
I-I thought we agreed that we would accept whatever Dave says, right? Well, I'm-I'm glad you feel that way, Tina, because the complaints weren't about Calvin, they were about you.
What? You heard the man, Tina.
Those idiots love me.
Seriously? I'm the problem? Calvin yells at everybody and calls them names, and they blame me? [CHUCKLES.]
It's funny how that works, huh? Okay, okay, okay, tell me exactly what these egg-sucking, two-bit, no-good punks said.
Well, surprise, surprise, they find you to be a little insulting.
Fascinating.
Go on.
Okay, well, uh, in general, they feel like you don't respect their work and sometimes can be a little unfair.
Oh, my God.
I mean, I-I feel horrible.
I mean, I would never-- Give me that.
I'm sorry, Tina.
These interviews have got to stay confidential.
I took an oath.
Really? Well, it's not an official one, but I made up my own and I take it very seriously.
You know, I respect that, Dave.
Just like I respect our employees at work.
Ah.
[LAUGHS.]
You are just loving this, aren't you? Well-well, come on, Tina.
This isn't about me.
This is about the shop.
And how mean you are there.
Okay, look, the best thing to do at this point is for me to sit down with the two of you and your mechanics and figure out some adjustments that Tina can make.
This is unbelievable! Look, come on, babe, all joking aside, we cannot afford to lose any more mechanics.
So for the good of the shop, you got to do this.
You're right, baby.
You're right.
If it's for the good of the shop-- Give me that! [MUFFLED.]
: I took an oath! Yo, yo, yo.
What's up, man? What you doing here? Oh, I just came to get some supplies for the next phase of Operation Date Keira.
Come on, Marty.
I told you you are making this way too complicated.
No, I heard what you said, which is why I made this one way more simple.
All I need is a tennis racket and a frozen turkey.
You do realize if I hear any more, I will have to testify against you.
Okay, I I know I'm being a little crazy, but I'm-I'm not like you, Malcolm.
You could talk to girls about anything.
I got two subjects: science and science fiction.
[CHUCKLES.]
Marty, you're just making excuses, man.
A-And all these ridiculous plans are just half measures.
If you really want to go out with this girl, you just have to go all the way and ask her out.
Okay.
You're right.
All the way it is.
All right.
- I'll see you later.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Although, I could hire a roller-skating mime to go to Marty.
Fine.
I'll save that for the proposal.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hey, Tina.
Dave told me about the report.
- How are you doing? - Terrible.
I feel so bad about what's going on at the shop.
I could really use my girl's shoulder to cry on.
I'm not giving you the folder.
Damn it! Come on, Tina.
Finding out who said what isn't gonna make you feel any better.
Who said anything about feeling better? I want revenge! Look, I get it.
You're hurt, you're angry, you're looking around for the folder, which isn't here.
Come on, Gemma.
You know, I've been up all night thinking about this, and I think I finally realized what's going on here.
- Really? What? - Sexism.
Think about it.
I am a female boss in a shop full of men, and-- huh-- what a shocker, I'm the problem.
Wow.
I hadn't thought about that.
Come on.
You are a school principal with a bunch of male employees who work under you.
You know they don't treat you with the same respect.
I know.
I've had to deal with them calling me "bossy,"Mm.
"demanding," "bootylicious.
" What? Actually, that was Ms.
Nelson, the P.
E.
teacher.
- So you know what I'm saying.
- I do.
- So you're with me? - Yeah.
- Sisters in arms? - Hell yeah! Oh, God, I'm so lucky to have you as a friend.
I'm still not giving you the folder.
Damn it! Hey.
There's Keira.
Now's your chance to ask her out.
No, man.
Now's not the time.
Our food's gonna get cold.
Marty, we have frozen yogurt.
Okay.
You're right.
No more half measures.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, Keira.
Oh, hey, Marty.
Did you get the mail I put under your door? What? That was you? Oh.
Well, on behalf of the U.
S.
justice system, you are guilty of being a good neighbor.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, so, um I was thinking, maybe Friday night, you and I could go out on a date together.
All the way.
Uh, to-to a restaurant.
That's so sweet, but I actually have a boyfriend back in Houston.
Oh-- uh, uh, right, of course.
Of course.
Uh [CHUCKLES.]
"Houston, we have a boyfriend.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- But if it's okay with you, I'd love to be friends.
[SCOFFS.]
Absolutely.
I love friends.
Almost as much as I love the TV show.
I'm kind of a black Chandler.
- Okay, well, I'll see you later.
- Okay.
Aw, man, she has a boyfriend? Yep.
She wants to be friends.
I'm sorry, little bro.
That's a real bummer.
Are you kidding? I'm in.
It may have taken seven seasons, but Monica married Chandler.
[LAUGHS.]
Could this be a better day? Okay, everyone, this session is for healing and moving forward.
No one should feel threatened or under attack.
[LOUD WHIRRING.]
Okay-- Hey, guys, listen, Tina's gonna say a few words, and I'll just sit back and take a sip from my favorite mug.
Okay, well, let me start by saying that I am sorry.
It was not my intention to make anyone uncomfortable.
It's just, as a boss, it's challenging to work with a bunch of whiny-ass babies! DAVE: O-Okay.
In-in my professional opinion, I think we should focus on the words "I'm sorry" rather than every word that came after that.
TINA: No, no, no, no.
I'm sorry all right.
Sorry that I am surrounded by a bunch of male chauvinists who can't stand having a woman as their boss.
You got it all wrong.
I don't care that you're a woman.
Yeah, neither do I.
I mean, Julio did, but Julio set him straight.
Babe, come on, now.
We're trying to save our business here.
So just admit that you're the problem like I admitted that I wasn't.
You know, I don't believe y'all.
Just because you say you're not a sexist doesn't mean that you're not.
I'm not a sexist.
I just didn't think it was fair that you docked my pay last month.
Lenny, you broke the hydraulic jack.
Calvin wanted to fire you.
I talked him out of it.
You was gonna fire me for that? It had sentimental value.
I changed Quincy Jones's tire with that jack.
Wow.
Okay, but what about when you made us work overtime for a week? LENNY: Yeah.
That's because Calvin wanted you to work on Christmas Day.
I did that so you could be with your families.
- ALL: What? What? - Dang, Calvin.
Hey.
Hey! I was being culturally sensitive.
Any one of you could be Jewish.
Okay, all right.
You know, I see how this is.
It's not about sexism at all.
It's Calvin.
That does make way more sense.
Mm-hmm.
Right, right, right.
So instead of being mad at me, you should be mad at mug man over there.
Tina, be respectful.
This mug was a gift.
NORM: No, no, no.
She's right.
I want to change my answer to "Calvin.
" But can I keep it anonymous? - Sit down.
- Okay, all right.
Well, Calvin, given this new and, well, in retrospect, unsurprising information, is there anything you'd like to say? Yeah.
Dave, you really messed this up.
Calvin, these guys have been with you for a long time.
You really want to lose them to Motor Boys? CALVIN: Okay, look.
Guys, I know that I can be a tough boss, but that's because I care about this place.
And I care about you.
I mean, this isn't some run-of-the-mill chain like Motor Boys.
This is a neighborhood shop.
And that's because of the work that you do.
So, now that I hear you, I'll try to consider your feelings more.
But I think we can all agree that from here on out, you're paying for the doughnuts.
- TINA: Really? - DAVE: O-Okay.
Well, look, Calvin, that's a step in the right direction.
Fellas, w-what do you say? S-Sounds fair to us.
[CHUCKLES.]
Good.
All right, well, as a sign of good faith, why don't you guys take the rest of the day off? Okay.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
We close in ten minutes.
You know what? You're right.
Why bother? Get back to work.
TINA: No, no, no.
Don't listen to him.
You can all leave now and come in one hour later tomorrow.
Right, Calvin? Sure.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Y'all got it.
Well, all right.
Okay.
Another business saved, relationships mended.
You know, it's like I always say: if everyone just slows down and takes the time [LOUD BUZZING.]
This place is a death trap! So none of the mechanics were sexist at all? No.
In fact, Terrell loves strong women.
He has a giant back tattoo that says "Mommy.
" - Aw, that's so sweet.
- Mm-hmm.
I hope Grover never ever does that.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
I was wondering where you were.
Well, to say thank you for what you did at the shop, - I got you a little gift.
- Oh.
Hey-- You shouldn't have.
"World's Best Grandma"? Don't worry, you'll grow into it.