The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e15 Episode Script

Oh, God.
3:15? Okay, if I go to sleep right this second, I'd still have three hours and 15 minutes.
I could probably push it to No, I did that yesterday.
It might be my stink that's keeping me awake.
Okay, this is crazy.
Just think about nothing.
Hey, why did the smoke alarm stop blinking? Oh, there it goes.
Wait.
It stopped again.
Oh, there it goes.
Okay, let the smoke alarm do its job.
Go to sleep.
Okay, here we go.
Sleep.
Move! Oh-oh, another bad night's sleep? Another day of unemployment? Wow, you're mean when you're sleepy.
Sorry.
I only slept for about two hours last night.
I'll be fine.
Poor baby.
Don't touch me! Get a job! I You know what? I don't have to take this! I'm a grown man! If you don't start being nicer, I'm going to move back in with Mom! I'm sorry.
You're right.
You don't deserve that.
You know what? You need to get some help.
Your sleep-deprived mood swings has everyone in this house afraid of you.
What? What are you talking about? Nobody's scared of me.
Hey, Mom, how'd you sleep? - Not great.
- Bye.
- Wow, you are really tense.
- Yeah.
Let me just do your neck and we'll see if that does anything.
Okay, just, just relax.
- Let me do all the work.
- Okay.
Don't fight me.
- You're fighting me, Christine.
- Oh, sorry.
Stop fighting me.
Trust.
Trust - You're not trusting me.
- Okay.
Damn you, that's good! Tell me about the sleeping problem you've had.
How long has that been going on? Well, I haven't really gotten a good night's sleep since the baby was born.
How old is the baby? Almost ten.
I mean, I try to get to bed early, but the second I lie down, my mind starts racing.
What are you thinking about? Oh, you know, everything.
I mean, like last night, I was thinking about everything I had to do tomorrow and everything I didn't get done yesterday, and then I hear a cricket.
And then I think of my friend Susan who named her daughter "Cricket.
" I didn't get her a present when she was born and now Cricket has asthma.
That's sad.
And then I start laughing, you know, because Cricket is a, a funny name.
Oh, wait a minute.
Is her name Cricket? God, yes, you bastard! Okay, go ahead and turn over.
You can't function without a good night's sleep.
Have you tried relaxation exercises? Nah, they piss me off.
- Sex? - Same thing.
Have you thought about a sleeping pill? Oh, I don't want to go down that road.
I remember on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mary had insomnia and then she got addicted to sleeping pills.
Well, science has made great strides since the fictional 1970s.
Look, if you want, I'll have my partner write a prescription for you.
Try it and see what happens.
Well, you've always taken such good care of me.
I mean, if you think it'll help, I guess I can try it.
Sweet mother! I love you, Dr.
Mike.
Oh, I feel so relaxed.
Is that a cricket? Burton! Christine, hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Oh, I was just seeing my chiropractor.
What are you doing here? Well, I'm, uh, seeing my therapist.
I didn't know you were in therapy.
How long you been going? About six months.
Oh, that's right around the time we stopped seeing each other.
Yes, right around that time.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was, that was a really hard time for me.
I mean, I broke up with my girlfriend for you because you led me to believe that you loved me, and then you, you made out with your ex-husband.
Oh, yeah.
That was weird, huh? You know, I'm not blaming you.
That's taken a lot of hard work with Sheila.
That's my therapist, and it's cost me the equivalent of a seven-day all-inclusive singles cruise to the Caribbean.
Yeah, I looked into it for a little bit.
It's fun.
Mostly guys.
Mostly gay.
Anyway, um it's really, really nice to run into you.
I should probably be going.
- Oh, okay.
- You look great.
Oh, thanks.
So do you.
- Okay.
Nice to talk - No, I better not.
I just feel so bad for Burton.
I mean, six months with a doctor to get over? Poor guy.
I feel terrible.
And a little great.
He was deeply in love with me, okay? It's awful.
God, I just hope he can get over me.
I hope you can get over you.
Quiet! A man was destroyed! Now, you know what? I'm gonna you to help me, okay? I don't know how these are gonna affect me and you know, I don't really believe in taking sleep aids.
- You don't believe in taking sleep aids? - Right.
Wine? That's different.
It's from the Earth, natural.
Nyquil? It's from the store natural.
This is a whole other league, okay? This is a prescription sleep medicine.
You know what, I've seen the ads for these.
It's got that little sleepy bear who climbs into the clouds and then the clouds float away into a rainbow.
Why don't you just take acid? 'Cause my insurance won't cover acid.
Wow! This stuff is powerful.
Look at the warning.
"Don't drink alcohol.
Don't operate heavy machinery.
Don't make important decisions.
" You should have that sewn into your underwear.
She's been asleep for 11 hours.
You think we should check on her? No, I already did.
She was on her stomach on top of the covers with her nightgown hiked up around her neck.
Closed my eyes so fast it blew the door shut.
Oh, my God! Good morning! Wow, that was the best night's sleep I have ever had.
I feel fantastic! How long was I out? Richie has two kids and his wife doesn't care for you.
Yeah, well, she's no prize either.
Hey, what are you doing here? I was promised waffles.
By whom? - You.
- What? Yeah, you called me in the middle of the night all excited about your new waffle iron.
What? No, no, I didn't call you.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Did we miss the waffles? I called you, too? How can I not remember? It was 4:11.
I remember because my watch said 4:19.
I keep it eight minutes fast so I'm never early or late.
I forget how it works.
God, that is so weird.
I don't remember anything.
You know what? I think I saw something about this on 60 Minutes.
Some of those sleeping pills have side effects.
People do all sorts of crazy things.
They have conversations and go places, don't remember a thing about it.
This one woman went to a Laundromat and folded other people's laundry.
What? Why didn't you tell me this before I took the pill? Well, I figured the chances of you folding laundry were pretty remote.
Well, I appreciated your call.
Just knowing you're so happy for me and Richard means everything to me.
What? I said that? You called me "Cricket.
" You told me the only thing you valued more than our marriage was our friendship.
You were nice.
It was weird.
Nice? That doesn't sound like me.
Who else did I call? Barb, Barb, Richard Uh-oh, Mom.
Oh, that's okay.
She won't remember it either.
Some 3-1-0 number.
Uh-oh.
The 3-1-0 number's calling.
Hey, Matthew! Matthew, I think I erased our outgoing message.
Do you know how I Christine, it's Burton.
You're probably still sleeping, but I just had to call and say that I woke up with a smile on my face this morning after our phone conversation last night.
And I've decided you're right-- screw my therapist.
I can't wait to see you, too.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Sounds like you promised him more than waffles.
What is the deal with the waffles? Barb, forget about the waffles, okay? I made a date with Burton.
I mean, he was just getting over me, and then I call him and renew his hope? I mean, this may actually kill him.
Let's put her in a sack and bring her down to the river.
Why would I call Burton? Maybe you still have feelings for Burton, and the pills tapped into your subconscious.
My subconscious? You think my subconscious still likes Burton? Maybe your subconscious can make me some waffles.
You know, I mean, maybe I do like Burton.
I mean, I did like Burton.
We had a great time together.
He's funny, he's smart, he's handsome.
So you're gonna go out with him? Well, I don't know.
Why not give it a shot, see if the magic is still there.
Maybe the magic can make me some waffles.
Okay! Enough about the waffles.
This is big, you know? I'm going out with Burton.
I might have a great time, you guys.
Third time might be the charm.
Ah.
Speaking of time, I better get going.
I'm late.
Or early.
I'll do it tomorrow.
I tell you, the best thing I did to help me get through the hollydays was getting that cat.
Burton.
Yes, yes, I named him after myself.
Yeah, it was my therapist's idea.
She thought it would be a great lesson in learning to care for myself.
As I learn to nourish Burton, I learn to nourish me.
As I learn to, uh, love Burton, I learn to love me.
A cat named Burton.
Dynamite.
My therapist would kill me if she knew I was out with you right now.
But what the hell, huh? I'm a different person.
Yeah, you certainly seem like a different person.
You're definitely a different person.
The things you said to me last night were so sweet.
Yeah, I guess way down deep I'm a sweetheart.
Way, way down.
Will you excuse me for a second? I'm supposed to call the vet before they close.
Burton has worms.
Don't go anywhere.
- I can't.
You drove.
- I did.
Hey.
I need a hug.
Okay.
Hey, I need a drink.
Okay, we get it.
You've been explaining the game for 20 minutes.
- Let's just play.
- Okay.
I've got a Magic Saber of the Underlord Dragon.
So I have to give you all my monsters whose Power Stars equal six or more as a tribute from the battle.
Your turn.
Go fish.
I knew this wouldn't work.
I do not understand this game.
Want to play for money? Do you take Christine's debit card? Hello? There is nothing in my subconscious or otherwise that still has feelings for Burton.
He's too nice for me.
He's so sensitive.
Like a woman.
And not the kind of woman I like.
Wow, so I guess it was all just the pills, huh? Oh, I'm not gonna make it! Burton is so awful.
And I feel myself being mean to him, you know? I mean, I don't want to, but he's so weak.
And weak guys bring out my mean streak.
- Why don't you just leave? - Oh, I can't-- he's too fragile.
God, those pills made me a completely different person.
I don't know how I'm gonna make it through this night.
- What's she doing now? - She's gonna take a pill.
I know-- I'll take a pill.
I mean, not a whole one.
You know-- like a quarter.
- Well, maybe a half.
- All right, be careful.
No, it's okay-- I haven't had a drink, and he's driving.
It'll just take the edge off, you know? Hey, let me talk to Barb.
How much will you give me for my Lovely Lady of Lorimar? Will you take my Giant Red Sea Serpent? I don't think I'd better.
Oh, Matthew, oh, wow.
I'm sorry.
I hope we didn't wake you up.
Uh, Burton, you remember Matthew, my brother.
My support system.
My rock.
My God.
Sorry it's so late, but we just had a beautiful night together.
- Reconnecting.
- Beautiful! Oh, Matthew, we reconnected.
Okay, that's enough.
Time to disconnect.
No, no, no, no.
Not yet.
I've got to say something to Burton.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- I love you.
And you said it.
- I love you, too, baby.
- And now he's said it.
- Oh, love you, Burton! - Good night, Burton.
Now, listen, tell Burton I hope he feels better, okay? Good night, Burton.
I'll bring you a picture of Burton next time.
He is gonna love you.
Oh and I am gonna love Burton! Meow.
What the hell? Get in the house! I kissed him? It looked like you were trying to eat him.
- Oh, my God! - And you told him you loved him.
- No! - And he said he loved you.
And you invited me on a girls' getaway weekend.
I did all that, and I don't remember any of it? I wonder if I should stop taking these pills.
I wonder.
You're ruining a man's life.
Even that doesn't make me happy.
But I am so well rested, you know? I'm not sleepy, I'm not grumpy.
You're still dopey.
Yeah.
Okay, I know.
Poor Burton.
Well, I'm just gonna have to tell him the truth: that I'm a sleep-deprived Jekyll and Hyde.
Boy, he's gonna be in therapy for the rest of his life over this.
Well, thank God he's got Burton.
Did you sneak another pill? It's Burton.
Oh, shoot.
I have to deal with this.
- No! - No! All right, fine.
You're right, no pills, okay? I'll just have to tell him the truth.
No matter how much it hurts.
- Hi, Christine.
- Burton, hi.
I'm glad you're here-- I need to talk to you about what happened last night.
Yeah, I need to talk to you, too.
Burton, you know I like you.
I know, but I can't keep seeing you.
What? I'm just not really myself right now.
I probably should have told you earlier, but my therapist has me on some pretty serious drugs.
It's a potent cocktail of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication.
What do they do? Apparently, they make you tolerable.
Hey! Hey! Christine, I'm sorry, but you were always a little rough around the edges for me, and the medicine smoothed everything out.
- You said you loved me.
- I know I have hurt you, but I can't keep seeing someone I can only tolerate if I'm on drugs.
Okay! I heard you.
If you want to talk about tolerate, I mean, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I was on something, too.
Yeah, that's right-- I had to take pills to get through the meal with you.
Oh, boy.
So now you're gonna tell me that you were on pills, too.
Yeah.
I was.
I don't remember anything that happened last night.
Of course you don't.
No.
I don't.
Wow.
I really destroyed you, didn't I? Destroyed me? No, I wrecked you.
You're the one who's been in therapy for the last six months, naming cats after yourself.
What are you talking about? I don't own a cat.
Crazy! I'm not the crazy one.
I mean, I can't sleep, yeah, and I've got some hostility issues, but other than that, I am golden.
Sure you are.
What is this? Sheila's number.
Call her.
A little therapy might do you some good.
Hey, I don't need therapy, nut job! What No, no, I'm strong! I'm independent! I'm in the best mental health of my life! Hey, call me!