The Ranch (2016) s02e15 Episode Script

1 Your truck's smoking.
So are you.
I thought you quit.
You know that shit'll give you cancer.
Yeah, well, I thought I had a job.
I'm officially unemployed as of the last day of school.
You serious? - [SIGHS.]
- I'm sorry, babe.
And to top it off, the doughnuts in the teachers' lounge were gluten-free.
Fucking Mrs.
Adams and her celiac disease.
Well, them assholes don't deserve you.
On the plus side, they can't fire you twice, so start stealing shit.
[CHUCKLING.]
I'm already on it.
Who wants to watch the health video Your Body and You? [CHUCKLING.]
Hell yeah, I love that thing.
My favorite part's where the kid looks down and he goes, [BOTH.]
"Where did all the hair come from?" [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, there's a school in Durango.
Might be looking for someone.
I saw in the news the teacher got fired for sleeping with a student.
Thank God that wasn't illegal when I was in school.
Uh, it was.
You were just 18 in the tenth grade.
[SIGHS.]
There's, like, 30 other teachers in Garrison looking for a job.
It's not fair.
At least I teach something people give a shit about! Unlike music or art.
Yeah, you got oil leaking all over the place.
- [SIGHS.]
- You need a new head gasket.
Perfect.
Just add it to the shit I can't afford.
Like paying rent, buying health insurance, our wedding.
Anonymously sending 20 bucks to the school 'cause I feel so guilty about stealing this DVD.
- I can fix the truck.
- It's not about the truck, Colt.
Yeah, but it's one thing I can take off your plate.
- Look, it's gonna be all right.
Okay? - [SIGHS.]
It's like the time I got cut from the Portland Forest Dragons.
Okay, Colt, no offense, but it's not gonna make me feel better when you compare my job to your failed fucking football career.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Okay.
Well, someone gets a free small Blizzard every time he visits the DQ in that town, so I guess I failed.
I'm just frustrated.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, don't worry.
We'll fix this.
And that.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Yeah, looks like she's got a caked udder.
That's why her teats are so engorged.
[CHUCKLING.]
"Engorged teats.
" [CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY.]
Get out.
Hey, I gotta talk to you about something.
Get out.
Abby's losing her job.
Turns out they're closing down Garrison, not Norwood.
How in the hell do you close a school? That's right.
What's she gonna do? [SIGHS.]
We're figuring it out.
I was thinking, for her to save some money how'd you feel about her moving into the house? Whatever Abby wants.
I mean, she's family.
Almost.
Assuming you don't fuck it up.
Thank you.
I promise it won't affect you at all.
It'll be the same rules as when I got that hamster.
You don't have to feed her, you don't have to clean up after her, and I'll be real careful when I'm vacuumin' around her.
- Hey, boys.
- [BEAU.]
Hey.
Oh, am I interrupting? Yeah, you are, and thank you so much.
- Hey, Brenda.
- Hey, Colt.
I could not wait to show you my new purchase.
Since you taught me how to shoot, I wanted to get one of my own.
It's pink.
It's still a gun.
- I know.
I'm conflicted.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I think it's cute.
It's, like, what Barbie would use if she was gonna murder Ken.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh! Guess who's Ken? [CHUCKLES.]
Listen, I, uh I also wanted to stop by to ask you something.
I gotta go to a wedding in Telluride in a couple of weeks, and I know that you hate people, and traveling, and, well, just about everything, but would you like to join me? Uh, I'm not a big fan of weddings.
There'll be bacon-wrapped steak.
- Once again, I'm conflicted.
- [CHUCKLES.]
All right, well, why don't you just think about it? So, we still gonna go out for dinner tomorrow night? Or we just gonna hunt it down ourselves? You know, I've never said this before but I think you might like guns too much.
- Hmm.
- [GUN COCKS.]
How about Charlie's? Oh, Beau, I don't think that Charlie eats at Charlie's as much as you do.
Actually, Charlie passed away last year.
Had a beautiful service.
They cremated him.
Medium-rare.
[GASPS AND CHUCKLES.]
Well, we could go to the Cracker Barrel? We can sit in Joanne's section.
Yeah, I suppose we could do that.
It's just that Honestly, she's a really shitty waitress.
- Why don't we just eat here? - That'd be great.
- All right.
- Thanks.
And if you're looking for something to shoot Colt just bought a couple of gallons of almond milk.
Great, are they in the fridge? I'm not talking about shooting the almond milk.
Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
Alright.
See you [MICROWAVE BEEPS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[GRUNTING.]
Uh, man, that feels good.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Oh, it's like Florida for my balls.
Oh.
What's up, Engineer Jen? And yes, to answer your question, I am alone.
To answer your question, no way.
Not even if it cured cancer.
So, I just came over to let you know we're gonna be doing some surveying in the area.
So, please don't shoot any of my workers.
[CHUCKLING.]
Why would you think I would shoot one of your workers? There are literally signs all over that say, "Trespassers will be shot on sight.
" Oh, yeah, those are my dad's.
He's a little more bark than bite.
[SIGHS.]
I've never actually had to say this, but we're not going to build a pipeline through your land if a worker is killed by you or anyone in your family.
Yeah.
I suppose that makes sense.
You know, you wanna play it safe, why don't you tell your people if they gotta walk by the house, kinda move in a zigzag.
[JEN.]
Hmm.
I appreciate it.
Well, I'll let you get back to whatever you were working on.
I'm guessing a manifesto of some sort.
Hey, uh I know you like rocks.
If you ever want 'em in a glass with some whiskey on top, just swing by the bar I own.
- You mean the bar your mom owns? - [CHUCKLES.]
It's just for tax purposes.
You know, we got a hot chick happy hour.
It starts anytime you get there.
I have a boyfriend.
He's like you, only he's smart, good-looking, and doesn't live in the woods like a Keebler elf.
[CHUCKLING.]
- [DALE.]
Hey, Beau.
- [BEAU.]
Hey.
Good Lord, I hope you bought her dinner first.
Only thing older than that joke is you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, you're a real spring chicken.
You wanna tell me again about Lincoln's inauguration? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
You check on that calf? Yeah, she'll be fine as long as you put her together with her mama.
You know, you got about two gallons of almond milk blown to shit on your front driveway.
Yeah, it was Colt's.
Brenda shot it up.
Made him cry.
Oh, she's shooting up your son's stuff now.
Must be getting serious.
Yeah, she asked me to go away with her for a weekend to a wedding.
Oh.
[CHUCKLING.]
Boy, I love weddings.
I went to one one time, had a chocolate fountain I just dipped my shrimp right in it.
[CHUCKLES.]
There's no rules.
That's a delightful story, Dale.
Thing is, I had dinner with Joanne last week.
And out of nowhere, she tells me she's still interested in me.
[WHISTLES.]
Huh, two women? I knew I shouldn't have got you that cologne sampler for Christmas.
Uh, are you still interested in her? Well, I didn't think so.
I can't deny I haven't thought about her.
Hell, I even lied to Brenda when she wanted to go to the Cracker Barrel.
I don't lie to anyone.
Except that hippie kid in front of the Safeway, when he asked me if I got time to talk about the fucking environment.
[CHUCKLING.]
You know, back when I was first dating Charlene, I worked with a pretty young barrel racer at the rodeo named, uh, Rhonda.
We even made plans to have dinner together.
So what happened? Well, Charlene and I had a picnic that day.
First time I ever had an olive.
Dale Well, I'm just trying to paint a picture.
Fuck me, I guess.
Anyhow, uh, Charlene and I had so much fun at that picnic that I called and canceled my date with Rhonda and spent the weekend with Charlene.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
After a while, I just forgot what Rhonda looked like.
So, if you and Brenda are meant to be then everything else will just fade away.
Yeah, I guess.
I think seeing Joanne just stirred a bunch of stuff up.
Brenda's a really terrific woman.
Plus, you don't wanna piss her off, now that you taught her how to shoot.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Hey, there she is.
How was work? [CHUCKLES.]
Fucking awesome.
Check this out.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why would you take the three-hole punch? I don't know.
But stealing shit is the best! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I've never felt more alive.
Hey, uh, I got a crazy idea how we can save some money.
You're finally gonna let me cut your hair? Nah, I said crazy, not batshit fuckin' insane.
[STAMMERS.]
I talked to my dad and he said it's okay if you move in the house.
[LAUGHS.]
What? What are you talking about? Hey, it's another problem solved.
Uh, truck fix, check.
Rent, check.
Actually, rent, no check.
[CHUCKLING.]
Colt, I can't handle all the stress of moving in on top of everything else.
And if you would've talked to me about it, I would have told you that.
'Cause that's what adults do.
They talk.
Uh, well, apparently, adults also yell at each other when they're trying to help.
I'm sorry I didn't talk to you, but think about all the money we'd save.
On utilities, and rent, and cable, the NFL package.
I don't have the NFL package Well, now you have the NFL package! Abby, do you know what the NFL package is? It's, like It's the entire NFL in a package.
Yeah! I got it.
You're goddamn right, you do! I mean [STUTTERS.]
think about all the money we'd save.
What we could use it on.
Your bills, on the On the wedding, on a big TV.
Or we do no wedding, and a bigger TV.
Oh, but staying in your childhood bedroom? [GROANS.]
It's just temporary.
Eventually, my dad's gonna die.
We'll take his room.
- [SCOFFS.]
Colt! - [STAMMERS.]
Oh, come We'll change the bed.
Come on, babe, I don't say this often, but I think I'm making a lot of sense.
Yeah, I suppose you are.
So? You'll move in? - I guess.
- Fuck yeah! [CHUCKLING.]
- Welcome home, baby.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [ROOSTER SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Look who showed up.
Another blonde.
- The Nazis would love this town.
- [CHUCKLING.]
So, what happened? You finally come to your senses and dump your boyfriend for me? Actually, he dumped me, asshole.
Oh, shit.
I am an asshole.
[JEN.]
Hmm.
Well, here you go.
This'll be on the house.
- She just dumped me! - Yeah, he dumped me! Well, look, I'll tell you, I know how you feel.
Actually just went through a breakup myself.
What ended it? Did you accidentally set her on something sharp and she deflated? [HANK AND SHIRLEY LAUGHING.]
Yeah, that's pretty funny.
You know, we're having a special here.
Drinks are free, but it's five bucks every time you say something mean.
Hmm.
That's fair.
Here's ten bucks.
Has anyone ever told you you look like the in vitro baby of Richard Simmons and Art Garfunkel? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Well, two very successful men.
So, what happened with your guy? [SCOFFS.]
I thought things were going well with Jeff.
Then he shows up, he tells me he's found the love of his life.
She's an ice girl for the Colorado Avalanche.
She's basically a shovel with cleavage.
Oh, shit.
An ice girl, huh? You know, I got their calendar.
You know what month she is? I got dumped for a redhead with big, fake boobs and a tramp stamp that says, "Go puck yourself.
" September.
Look, for what it's worth, I've spent a couple a nights with Miss September, and [CLICKS TONGUE.]
you're way better looking.
Aw.
That's the sweetest, most disgusting thing anyone has ever said to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, at least your ex dumped you for a person.
Mine dumped me for nobody.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, that'll be five bucks.
Shit, I only have a 20.
Here.
You're annoying, that beard sucks and you should really stop shopping for shirts at the babyGap.
So how was your day? [THUNDER RUMBLING.]
Well, that calf finally took to her mama.
[MOUTHING.]
Oh, good.
And Colt was so pissed about his almond milk, he didn't talk to me.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
It was the best day I've had for a while.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, I've been thinking about that wedding.
If your offer still stands, I'd like to join you.
That makes me very happy.
Uh, just so you know, it's Hawaiian-themed.
They want everyone to wear a festive shirt.
I've got a brand new white shirt that got splattered with cow's blood.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
- Colt, what the fuck? - [THUNDER CRACKING.]
Shit.
You know what the rain does to my hair! [SCOFFS.]
Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- [BEAU.]
Hey.
I'm Abby.
That's right, you two don't know each other.
Brenda, this is Colt's fiancée.
- Hi.
- It's really nice to meet you.
Congratulations on the engagement.
If you two aren't busy, Colt's making me a welcome-home dinner.
We'd love for you two to join us.
[COLT.]
Spaghetti and footballs.
It's like, uh, spaghetti and meatballs, except for the meatballs are shaped like footballs.
Thanks for clarifying.
What Beau means to say is yes, we would be delighted to join you.
But only if I get to help.
Hey, what's high in protein and comes back from the dead? I know what you did.
- Well, it was Beau's idea.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
She seems nice.
- Yeah, she is.
- Hmm.
Actually, I'm really happy.
Although, don't tell anyone I said that.
I have a reputation to keep.
Your secret is safe with me.
I just want you to know that I appreciate you letting me stay here, Mr.
Bennett.
Whatever you need for as long as you need.
But if you expect me to ask you to call me Beau, you're wrong.
I didn't even know you had a first name till just now.
I dropped the meat.
We're going to Wendy's.
All right, you guys, time to say goodbye.
What? You never said, "Last call.
" I know my rights.
Come on, Hank.
Let's go home, smoke some dope and watch the bug zapper.
- I do love to watch 'em burn.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Thanks for talking to me tonight.
I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would.
Oh, shit.
Déjà vu.
First girl I ever had sex with said the same thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, you portray yourself as this badass, - but you're really a nice guy.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Damn right.
I'm like the Ryan Gosling of Garrison.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are you doing after this? Ah, you know, close up, head home.
Sometimes I swing by the ranch and [CHUCKLES.]
leave out some tools, so that Colt gets blamed for it in the morning.
Do you wanna get another drink somewhere? I mean, you know, it's kinda the only bar in town.
Although, my boy Shaggy's got a fridge on his porch.
We can swing by there and have a drink.
He'll probably try and sell you some fireworks if you're into that, but Actually, I was thinking there's a mini bar in my hotel room.
Oh, shit.
Uh, there's no tequila because I chugged that when, uh, Jeff broke up with me.
Also, no vodka or Toblerone.
Okay, uh, just to be clear, you are saying you wanna get out of here, go to your hotel and hook up, yeah? Well, I'm assuming you got better at it since the first time.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, if sex was an Olympic sport, I'd be, like, Usain Bolt.
Because you'd be the fastest at it? No, 'cause I'd be the best at it.
I'd be slow.
Or, you know, like, normal speed.
Like, the best speed.
Look, I'm fucking great at sex, all right? Wait, uh, hold on a second.
Oh, no.
Did you just What? No! No! I gotta close up the fucking bar.
Oh.
- Hey, babe.
I saved you some hot water.
- [SIGHS.]
I did my patented "two-minute drill" shower.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just hit the pits and the balls.
Oh, hey, I got a surprise for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Check this out.
- Wait, is that my stuff? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
I know you're stressed about moving in.
And I didn't want you to worry, so I stopped by your place to pick up some stuff.
So, this half is yours, this half is mine.
Uh, can you win husband of the year before you're even married? 'Cause if you can, just Shoo-in.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hey, speaking of shoo-in, check out the closet.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
That your shoes are in.
[CHUCKLING.]
Get it? "Shoe-in"? 'Cause the There's shoes in the closet.
Are you fucking kidding me? Why would you do that? Uh, uh I wanna say, "Because I love you" but I think I should say "'Cause I'm stupid.
" Just stop trying to fix everything, okay? My truck, asking your dad to let me move in here, movin' my shit.
Just stop! Okay.
Yeah.
I will stop being a loving, supporting person.
You got it.
That is not a problem.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I just I [SIGHS.]
I feel like everything I say or do right now is wrong.
It's not.
It's just [SIGHS.]
You were in the shower and I was [CHUCKLES.]
looking at that '99 all-district trophy.
[CHUCKLES.]
I remember when you got it.
[CHUCKLES.]
We were both right here lyin' in your bed, talkin' about what we wanted to do with our lives.
You wanted to be a football player.
I wanted to teach.
But neither one of us is doing that.
[SIGHS.]
[VOICE BREAKING.]
How is it possible that almost 20 years later, we're both in the exact same spot? Oh [SIGHS.]
[SOBS.]
It's just temporary.
[SIGHS.]
I just feel so lost.
[CRIES.]
Everything that I thought I was is gone.
My job.
My house.
Even getting married.
You know? I'm not gonna be Abby Phillips, I'm gonna be Abby Phillips-Bennett.
Don't get me wrong, I love you, and I want to get married, I do.
I just [SNIFFLES.]
I don't know who I am anymore.
You are the strongest smartest most loving person I know.
You make everyone's life who you come in contact with better.
[SIGHS.]
Come on, you remember senior year? We all wanted to TP the school - [CHUCKLES.]
- You made us plant trees instead.
Oh, wait.
[STAMMERS.]
Well, of course we TP'd 'em later, but [GRUNTS AND SNIFFLES.]
You're gonna get through this.
How do you know? 'Cause it's you.
- Listen, if it makes you feel better - Mmm? I'll change my last name.
Colt Phillips.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't have to do that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, thank God.
'Cause I can't have a last name starting with "F.
" I'm kidding! Thank you for being so sweet.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
- Bring it in.
- [BOTH GRUNT.]
I liked it better when my life was together and your life sucked.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Give it time, babe, give it time.
- [CHUCKLES.]
All right.
Two minutes doesn't cut it.
Hit the showers, Bennett.
Whew.
[CHUCKLES.]
- No, you know what? - [LAUGHING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Can I have that gherkin? No.
Every time you eat one of those things, I hear about your heartburn for a week.
When did you become my wife? You know what? Here.
Hope you choke on it.
You know, if you started that sentence with, "I should've married your brother," I'd swear you was Charlene.
I'm gonna do what Charlene should've done years ago and leave you.
Joanne? Oh, pardon me, ma'am, I thought you were someone else.
No problem.
[GRUNTS SOFTLY.]
You know, you was right about that gherkin.
Throw a roll of Tums on that tab, would you? - Hey, Joanne.
- Hey, Beau! [CHUCKLES.]
What are you doing here? You know, I thought I saw you at the diner but I didn't.
Oh, okay.
Well, if you're interested, I also wasn't at the Safeway or the Jiffy Lube.
I've been telling myself I could get over you, but Just thinking I saw you all I wanted to do was What? [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]